The weekend has been an emotional roller coaster. I know things are the way they should be but...well, maybe I should start at the beginning.

Last night Josh and I went out to dinner. We were sitting there, making small talk, and if just felt to strange to me. I mean, there I was sitting with the person that knows me better than anyone else, the person that I love more than anyone else, and yet we were acting like strangers on a blind date!

We got home and he asked if I wanted to go inside. As we were walking up to his front door I told him we needed to talk about Laura and Jordan. He looked at me and was like, "this isn't going so great, is it?" I just shook my head. We started talking for what seemed like hours. We just kept going over the same things over and over again. He was hurt that I was picking dancing (and what he thought was Jordan) over him. I was hurt that he took Laura to Vermont and that he was spending so much time with her. We kept talking and came to the conclusion that there will always be male dancers in my life if I'm going to dance, and he said he's not going to just give up his friends.

He told me that he still loves me. I told him that I still love him. We were both standing there and I was crying and we were saying goodbye. We were really saying goodbye this time. He held on to me and kissed me and told me that he wished we could be together even though we both know that we can't. I was just crying and telling him that I wished things could be different.

We stood there holding on to each other for a long time. Finally I said "eventually we're going to have to let go." He kissed my forehead and then somehow pulled himself away from me and walked into the house. Part of me wanted to just collapse in my sorrow right there, and the other part of me was grateful that he walked away because I'm not sure I would have had the strength to do it myself. I'm not even sure how I managed to walk next door to Aunt Lu's. I kept thinking that I literally had lost my best friend, and the greatest love I've ever known.

It was so much worse then the first time we broke up, because I really hated him then. I hated him for breaking my heart. I hated him because I thought he was okay with all of this. But now I know that he loves me. I saw the pain in his eyes as clearly as I felt my own. The way he stood there holding on to me, not wanting to let go - I know this was as hard on him as it was on me. And while it brings me some comfort to know that he loves me, it also makes it so hard to accept that we're not together any more.

I want to go back to the time when Josh's arms were the safest place on earth...to a time when his smile and his touch could fix every problem. I want to go back to when things were happy and easy. We're just too far away from that now... I know we are. I know this is for the best and it's going to make me stronger, but God, it hurts like hell.

Getting through the day was tough. Aunt Lu was every understanding about me not going to church with her, but getting through Easter dinner with the family, while my heart was breaking was torture. And knowing that he was next door made things even harder. Plus, I remembered that I promised Lauren that I'd go to her birthday party next Saturday and that means Josh will be there. And I seriously don't know how I'll be able to hold it together in front of him.

I'm so exhausted that I'm thinking of being on Elise time and hitting the sheets supper early tonight.