Christmas was kind of depressing. Well, mostly Christmas Eve. I just couldn't stop thinking about Josh. I kept thinking about his family's party and how we kissed on Christmas Eve for the first time two years ago. I was miserable the whole night. Lauren had called me earlier in the day and made a comment about how mad she was that he invited Laura to the party. It just pushed me over the edge. I spent the night in the guest room with Aunt Lu crying. All I could think about was Josh and Laura and why doesn't he love me anymore?

Around midnight I went up to my room. When I got there I saw that Josh had called my cell phone and left a message. He said he was thinking about me and asked if I had received the package (I hadn't). I felt a little better - at least I knew he wasn't under the mistletoe with Laura. It was late so I didn't call him back. I didn't call him back at all actually.

Yesterday the package came with a Christmas present from Josh. It was a Vera Bradley bag that I wanted. It's so nice but it's so hard to look at it because it just reminds me of him and what we no longer have.

I have discovered every sad Christmas song this year... "Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas," "Blue Christmas," "Bells Will Be Ringing," "Miss You Most At Christmas Time," "You Don't Have To Be Alone," "Lonely Christmas" - the list goes on and on. I just keep hoping that Judy Garland was right when she sang, "next year all our troubles will be miles away." I just hope that next year at this time I'll be so over him that hearing his name won't make me want to cry. I hope that my heart won't break each and every time he enters my minds.

I spent most of the day at Natalie's. We sat around watching TV and eating cookies. It's a good thing I have dancing to help me burn calories because I've been eating non-stop. There are just so many different types of cookies and each one is equally good. It's so hard to behave myself...

My day at the beach was kind of a bummer. It felt so good being there but I kept thinking about how Josh was with me the last time I was there. And I was thinking about Thanksgiving a few years ago when we first went there together. It was before the relationship had started and everything seemed so new and full of possibilities. It's hard to think about it being over. :(

Aunt Lu gets here today. My mom and I are going to drive up to the airport to pick her up. We are going to stop in Sarasota for dinner on the way home. It will be so nice to see her. At least this time I won't be crying at the dinner table. I'm still upset but I'm handling things better. It's mostly at night that I start to think about him, during the day I do pretty well.

I guess that's all for now. I need to wrap some presents and get myself presentable for dinner.

Well, I'm in Florida. I spent Saturday morning traveling and then I just relaxed at the house with my mom the rest of the day. Yesterday we baked Christmas cookies. Today it is off to Siesta Key to lounge on the beach with Natalie and Arie. So far there has been no mention of "him" and everyone is playing along with my "Josh-doesn't-exist" plan. I've been feeling a little better, but thoughts of him skill creep in, especially at night. I'm doing my best but it's still hard not to think about him.

My father has been uncharacteristically calm and cool about my car being totaled. His response was "we'll get a new one." Very strange. Usually he'd be flying off the handle. I don't understand it. I've hardly even seen him since I got here. He slept most of the day yesterday. Normally I would be ecstatic about not having to deal with him, but something seems weird. My father is not the type to sleep all day. He uses alcohol to relax - not sleep - and he's a work-aholic so for him to be not drunk and not at work at the same time is very strange.

Well, I need to finish getting beach-ready. Today looks like it will be the warmest day this week so I need to take advantage of it. I think the sun will do me some good.

Natalie and I went out shopping today. She wanted to buy some clothes for the break. I tried to warn her that she wouldn't find anything to wear in Florida up here in New Jersey but she didn't want to take my word for it. She didn't find anything for Florida but it did take my mind off of you-know-who for a few hours so I was grateful for that.

I picked up a few Christmas presents while we were out. I haven't bought anything for Aunt Lu or my parents but I want to wait until I'm in Florida so I don't have to drag them down there on the plane. I'm kind of glad I had to wait until tomorrow to go. Natalie is going to fly down with me so I won't be alone.

I called my mom this morning and informed her of the breakup. I told her that I don't want to talk about it and when I'm in Florida my plan is to forget him. She hesitated but agreed not to mention the "J word" while I'm down there.

Classes don't start again until January 22nd so my plan is to spend the next two weeks in Sarasota and then the week after that my mom and I are going to the keys for a few days before I head back up north. I'll still have another two weeks before classes start. I'm not sure what I'll do with myself. Right now I just don't want to run into you-know-who but maybe in a few weeks that will change. If not I might just stay in Florida up until the start of classes. Not sure yet.

Well, I have to pack and then Molly, Nat, Amanda and I are going out for a girl's Christmas dinner tonight.

Aunt Lu came to take me out to dinner tonight. I ended up sitting at the table crying. It was horrible. I'm so embarrassed. The only good thing is that we were sitting in a corner where no one could really see us.

How am I going to get over him? I love him. I want to be with him. I want to see those beautiful, shiny, blue eyes of his looking back at me the way they used to. I want that smile that tells me everything is going to be alright. And those arms...I want those arms wrapped around me. I don't know what I'm going to do. I can't stop thinking about him. He has become such a part of me, and left an indelible mark on my heart that can't be erased.

But what does it matter what's on my heart when he has it anyway? He's walking around New York City with my heart in his hands, probably partying, having a good old time, maybe collecting a few more hearts while I sit here with a chest that would be empty if not for the scare tissue he left behind.

Saturday feels like a lifetime away. All I want to do is get on that plane to Sarasota and leave as much of Josh behind as I can.

I decided the blog needs a new look. You know how you break up with someone and you get a new hair cut? Well, I break up and I give the blog a new look. Hey, I had to do something and there is no way I was going to cut my hair. I refuse to end up looking like "Felicity" after her breakup with Ben.

Anyway, I got tired of waiting for my dad to call me back yesterday so I called my mom and found out that she's in Orlando for some dance competition and my dad is in Miami on business. So I can't go to Florida until Saturday when they are both home. Grrr... So instead of lounging in the Florida sun, I'm stuck here in the dorms in floggy New Jersey while I mope about losing the love of my life.

Amanda was up cramming all night so I sat on my bed downloading "breakup songs" from iTunes. I figure if I'm going to wallow I ought to do it right. Now I have a whole playlist of sad love songs to sit and listen to. There is even a whole website dedicated to breakup songs.

After I downloaded my songs I went back and read through all of my old blog posts which was pure agony. Reading about all of the sweet things Josh has done for me through the years just tore my heart up even more. And yet I couldn't stop reading. I just read and cried, remembering each and every precious moment. I know I should be trying to move on, but I can't. I hoped that going to Florida would help me do that, but since I'm stuck here for two more days I might as well continue to miss him.

Molly hit a deer. While driving my car. :( It's totaled. I'm taking it surprisingly well. Much better than I'm taking my break up. Telling my dad is going to be a major headache though. I'm not sure he'll replace the car, but I really don't care right now. I just can't get myself out of this funk. I've been walking through the days like a mummy...just going through the motions waiting for something to bring me back to life.

Everything reminds me of him. I was sitting in the dining hall studying this morning and two guys were discussing a football game, which made me think of baseball, which made me think of the Philly's games, which made me think of Josh. I was thinking of the game we went to for Lauren's birthday. He was trying to talk me into climbing over the bleachers and I was scared I'd fall. He promised to catch me if I fell. I remember wondering if it was some sort of play on words...and why isn't he here to catch me now? He's the person I run to when my world is falling apart, but I can't run to him this time.

Molly and I were studying together last night when Molly's cell rang. She looked at it and put it away. She had a weird look on her face so I asked her who it was. She said "nobody," and I knew it was Josh calling her. I asked her again this morning but she wouldn't tell me so I know for sure that it was him. Who else would be calling that would make her get all weird like that?

I came to a decision today as I was walking back to the dorm after my exam. I'm going to Florida tomorrow. Another detail I need to discuss with my dad. I called him an hour ago - I wish he'd call me back already. I want to buy my ticket. I need to get out of Dodge. I just feel so restless here. I can't stay here past Saturday and I'm not comfortable going back to Pennsylvania right now. I really don't want to see any one from Josh's family. It would be too hard. In Florida I can hide away and try to get myself together without everyone watching. The people there don't know enough about Josh to be asking lots of questions. I don't want to answer questions. I don't even want to think about him. I just want to plop myself down on a lounge chair and sit in the sun and forget all about him and everything that's happened the past two years. I want him out of my system.

I am so lucky I've done well this semester because I'm afraid I've screwed up both of my finals so far. I have one more tomorrow and then I'm done. I have been really trying to focus and get my act together but I can't stop thinking about Josh. I wonder if Laura has moved in on him yet. I'm sure she's been sitting on the sidelines waiting to pounce for months now.

I have been holding it together pretty well this week. I got up yesterday morning and spent the entire morning at the library studying for my exam. I took the test and then it was on to studying for the second exam. Now that that one is over I am going to focus on the third until I'm finished tomorrow afternoon. Then I'll probably have a nervous breakdown.

I was planning to go back to Pennsylvania for a few days before I leave for Florida but now I'm planning to stay at school until campus closes on Friday. After that I'll meet Aunt Lu in PA and we'll fly down to Florida. I just can't spend a lot of time in PA right now. I don't want to run into Josh's family. I don't want to look out the window and see his house and his room. And I definitely don't want to accidentally run into him - even if the odds are against that happening. I just can't deal with it now.

Josh and I broke up Friday night...and we're not getting back together. I thought maybe that he'd call yesterday or today but I haven't heard anything. I guess I really didn't expect him to call. We left things pretty final on Friday. I don't know...I kind of did. I kind of didn't. I'm just having a hard time processing that it's over.

He came over on Friday and started telling me we need a break. He said if we don't take some time now, we'll end up hating each other. He said he needs space before we ruin things completely. I told him that we need to work things out or break up completely. I don't want to be phased out, and I don't want him to pull the band-aid off slowly. If it's over, it should be over. Why prolong it? He said he doesn't think we can work things out right now, and that was it. All that we had was gone.

So here I am two days later. I've hardly eaten. I've hardly slept. My eyes are so heavy and tired from no sleep and lots of crying. I have to study for finals and I can't seem to do anything but replay our conversation over in my head. I feel like I'm just stuck in that moment and I can't get out. I can't get past it. I just keep replaying it. What if I said something differently? What if I begged him to stay? What if I had agreed to a break instead of a break up?

I keep replaying it looking for clues to how he felt. He just seemed so tired. Was he tired of me? Was he tired of fighting? Was he tired of trying so hard? When did it happen? When did he decide that things couldn't be worked out? When did he decide that he'd be better off without me? Did he stop loving me? Why did he lose faith? I just keep imagining his eyes and the look on his face wishing I could get more from it.

Pretty much everything since I've moved north from Florida has been about Josh! Now what? What do I do? I can't get myself motivated. Molly and Nat wanted to take me out last night but I just couldn't. I just couldn't pretend to be okay. Molly told me that I have until Monday to mope. But that's tomorrow! How am I going to pull myself together enough to get through finals? And I can't even think about Christmas. The idea of it is way too much for me to handle. I can't even write anymore about it, because every time I think about Christmas I just break down. How can I have a Christmas without Josh?

I don't know what to do anymore. I'm so frustrated and I just can't take it. I just logged off IM because the conversation I was having with Josh was going quickly downhill.

It started last night when we went out to dinner. We ran in to Jordan and Josh was a complete jerk to him. I don't understand why Josh feels so threatened by him. I have no romantic interests in Jordan and still Josh feels like he's a threat!

If anyone should feel angry or threatened it's me with that Laura girl hanging all over him. On Thanksgiving she and Jen tagged along to the Macy's parade with us and she was making eyes at him the whole time. I didn't freak out. I didn't cause a commotion, but it annoyed me and now I'm really fired up because he keeps harping on me about Jordan! GGGGGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! I'm so annoyed.

And then just now we're on IM and he was asking me what I did after class today. I said that I stopped by the dance studio and he started grilling me on if I saw Jordan, if I'm going to continue dancing with Jordan. I finally told him that I wasn't going to fight over IM and logged off.

I just can't keep fighting with him. I want what we used to have...I used to look at Josh and he knew what I was thinking. Now it feels like I could right a book, word-for-word detailing every thought and emotion and he still wouldn't get it.

How did we get here? That's what I don't understand. How did something so right go so wrong? We can't seem to be together, and yet the thought of being apart is too much to bear. Last night I was lying in bed thinking back on our relationship. All of the times he's showed up for me...all of the sweet words, sexy smiles and flirty eyes...all of the secrets I've told him...and it's come to this, frustration and tears and an aching that won't go away.

All assignments due tomorrow are done!!! Yippie! It's my last day of classes and then we have a week of finals. I can't wait until it's all finished and I can start relaxing! :)

Josh had to go home this afternoon so he's going to meet me for dinner before heading back to New York. Even though things are kind of weird between us, I'm still excited to see him. I miss him.

So I already found out that one of the psychic's predictions are true! Alex is going abroad next semester to study in Australia. I'm so jealous. I would love to go to Australia. I got an email from Alex letting me know his plans. He's going to Hawaii to spend Christmas with his parents and then to Australia.

So does that mean that her other predictions are correct? I'm a little worried about the health issue that someone close to me is going to have. I wish I had asked her more...is it a serious health issue? I'm so scared that it's going to be Aunt Lu with the health issue.

Well, Josh just called and said he's here so I've got to go. More to come...

This afternoon Molly, Nat, Amanda and I decided that we needed a break from all of the studying so we went in to town and got psychic readings. It was interesting...I don't know what to make of it. I'm curious about those things and read my horoscope from time to time, but I wouldn't say I'm really a true believer. When we started she told me to concentrate on a few things that I wanted to know about so I thought about Josh, dancing, and my roommate situation.

She said that I feel like I'm being pulled in different directions, by my family, by my friends, and by my love. Could that be any more accurate?

She said that what I want right now is an easy solution to a problem, but that in life things don't always resolve themselves easily and that this is a time of change for me. She said that change is coming, and I probably won't like it right away, but in the end it will all work out.

She said that I lack confidence and doubt my abilities, and that I shouldn't because I have a lot going for me. She told me I can't let my fears hold me back and that I should search for my courage and self-belief because they are the keys to my success.

This is all true but I wanted something more specific so I asked her to tell me more. She said that someone I love would leave the country for awhile and I wouldn't see them but that they would be thinking of me while they were gone.

She said that my soul mate is in my life but we would have a lot of stops and starts before finally getting together. She said that geography will play a role in keeping us apart - so I'm thinking he's the one going out of the country. But I wonder what that says about me and Josh? Is he my soul mate? Where would he be going that's out of the country? And geography has been keeping us apart for a long time - not seriously damaging our relationship but it does play a major role. Hmmm...

She said that someone in my life is dealing with a health issue, and that it's going to bring us closer.

She told me there is heartache coming my way, but in the big picture it would be minor, and just something that I have to go through.

Interesting...I guess only time will tell how accurate she is.

My head has been in the books non-stop and I'm desperate for a reprieve. Molly and I sat in Starbucks last night studying and gulping down coffee because we knew it was going to be a long night. Once Starbucks closed we were forced back to campus where we studied some more and drank less than stellar coffee until our brains could take no more.

I'm kind of enjoying this mad rush to finish papers and study for exams. It's distracting. As great as Thanksgiving was, and the night at the Rainbow Room, I'm having a hard time pretending that things with Josh are back to perfect. There's still something...I don't know..."off." I want so badly for things to be the way they used to be. I'm trying so hard to find my way back to him, but something is missing. And I don't know what it is, because I still love him like crazy. He's my first love, and my best friend. I'm lost without him, but I'm lost with him too. Why can't we get this right?

So much for distraction. I guess this is what happens when I stop studying. I start letting my heart think instead of my brain, and that always inevitably leads me back to Josh.

Finally...a moment to blog. :) Things have been busy. Classes are starting to wind down and I have so much school work to do. My mind is in Christmas-mode so I'm struggling to concentrate on school. Classes end on Friday and then I have finals. All of my finals are in the first few days of finals so I'll be finished early.

I'm going down to Florida for Christmas. I hesitated about it at first by Aunt Lu agreed to go down with me. I'm going to miss the Anderson's Christmas Eve party - I think that's the worst part of going - but my mom really wants me home. Since I skipped out on the family festivities last year I figured I had better go.

Not much else to report on right now. I should probably get back to my paper.