Josh and I broke up Friday night...and we're not getting back together. I thought maybe that he'd call yesterday or today but I haven't heard anything. I guess I really didn't expect him to call. We left things pretty final on Friday. I don't know...I kind of did. I kind of didn't. I'm just having a hard time processing that it's over.

He came over on Friday and started telling me we need a break. He said if we don't take some time now, we'll end up hating each other. He said he needs space before we ruin things completely. I told him that we need to work things out or break up completely. I don't want to be phased out, and I don't want him to pull the band-aid off slowly. If it's over, it should be over. Why prolong it? He said he doesn't think we can work things out right now, and that was it. All that we had was gone.

So here I am two days later. I've hardly eaten. I've hardly slept. My eyes are so heavy and tired from no sleep and lots of crying. I have to study for finals and I can't seem to do anything but replay our conversation over in my head. I feel like I'm just stuck in that moment and I can't get out. I can't get past it. I just keep replaying it. What if I said something differently? What if I begged him to stay? What if I had agreed to a break instead of a break up?

I keep replaying it looking for clues to how he felt. He just seemed so tired. Was he tired of me? Was he tired of fighting? Was he tired of trying so hard? When did it happen? When did he decide that things couldn't be worked out? When did he decide that he'd be better off without me? Did he stop loving me? Why did he lose faith? I just keep imagining his eyes and the look on his face wishing I could get more from it.

Pretty much everything since I've moved north from Florida has been about Josh! Now what? What do I do? I can't get myself motivated. Molly and Nat wanted to take me out last night but I just couldn't. I just couldn't pretend to be okay. Molly told me that I have until Monday to mope. But that's tomorrow! How am I going to pull myself together enough to get through finals? And I can't even think about Christmas. The idea of it is way too much for me to handle. I can't even write anymore about it, because every time I think about Christmas I just break down. How can I have a Christmas without Josh?