Christmas was kind of depressing. Well, mostly Christmas Eve. I just couldn't stop thinking about Josh. I kept thinking about his family's party and how we kissed on Christmas Eve for the first time two years ago. I was miserable the whole night. Lauren had called me earlier in the day and made a comment about how mad she was that he invited Laura to the party. It just pushed me over the edge. I spent the night in the guest room with Aunt Lu crying. All I could think about was Josh and Laura and why doesn't he love me anymore?

Around midnight I went up to my room. When I got there I saw that Josh had called my cell phone and left a message. He said he was thinking about me and asked if I had received the package (I hadn't). I felt a little better - at least I knew he wasn't under the mistletoe with Laura. It was late so I didn't call him back. I didn't call him back at all actually.

Yesterday the package came with a Christmas present from Josh. It was a Vera Bradley bag that I wanted. It's so nice but it's so hard to look at it because it just reminds me of him and what we no longer have.

I have discovered every sad Christmas song this year... "Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas," "Blue Christmas," "Bells Will Be Ringing," "Miss You Most At Christmas Time," "You Don't Have To Be Alone," "Lonely Christmas" - the list goes on and on. I just keep hoping that Judy Garland was right when she sang, "next year all our troubles will be miles away." I just hope that next year at this time I'll be so over him that hearing his name won't make me want to cry. I hope that my heart won't break each and every time he enters my minds.