It's snowing AGAIN. AAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Okay, temper tantrum over. I can't help it. I'm a Florida girl. I'm not cut out for this weather. Although, I must admit that I liked the early dismissal from school... It's a good thing we had rehearsals for our show yesterday. Otherwise I would have been worried about them being canceled this afternoon.

Nothing much is going on right now. I'm still missing Josh... a lot. Other than that it's the same old stuff. I'm exciting about starting at the dance studio though. That should help cheer me up a little.

Well, I told Aunt Lu I'd help her clear the snow off the driveway. (Another reason to miss Florida.)

I just got off the phone with Josh! He called me. I guess Lauren told him about my car because he was calling to find out the details. He wanted to come down this weekend to see it but then he remembered that he has to work with his group on a group project for school. :(

I'm kind of bummed that he can't come home but I'm thrilled that he called and wanted to come home! It's nice that he hasn't forgotten me just because he's in New York.

Next week is my last week at Mrs. Anderson's office. I decided to take the job at the dance studio. Mrs. Anderson was understanding about it. It turns out Lauren has been bugging her for work but she didn't have enough for both of us. Now Lauren has a job so it all worked out.

More tomorrow...

I was having a horrible day at school. I didn't do so well on my math exam. The teacher is going to let me do some extra credit to up my grade because he knows how hard I've been working on it. Still...I feel like a failure.

All day I was walking around thinking about Josh and then I had Molly on my back, bugging me about the car. The car is still parked in the driveway and Molly wants to take it for a spin. I'm just not ready yet. I have to act annoyed and bitter about my father trying to buy me just a bit longer. Then maybe I'll feel more comfortable driving it.

Missing Josh was the hardest part of the day. I miss the anticipation of knowing I'll see him, or the hope that I'll bump into him. I miss his smile and his shiny eyes and the reassuring way he's always there for me.

So I got home and went to my room. I looked out the window at his old bedroom and burst into tears. I sank down on the bed and Aunt Lu had left a New York postcard on my pillow. I picked it up and saw that Josh had sent it. This is what he wrote:

Hey Nic,

Lauren told me the good news. I guess you'll be driving around town,
probably with Lauren begging you for a ride. I knew you could do it. Next time
I'm in town you owe me a ride! New York is great. It's so nice not worrying
about catching the train to Trenton or dealing with the commuters. Even though
the city is busy and hectic, I feel so much more relaxed. I hope you'll convince
"Aunt Lu" to let you visit some weekend. Call me or email me. Let me know what's
going on in the world of Nicole.

Josh

I know it's crazy but this little postcard completely made my day. He took the time to buy it, write and send it to me. It's so much more than a phone call or an email. It means he's thinking about me and he cares!

I'm wondering if I'm a brat. I know that's a crazy thing to say and most people wouldn't consider whether they're a brat, but this weekend has made me wonder: Am I spoiled brat or are my feelings justified because I really see things for what they are?

My father came to town on Friday. He's an angry drunk and that's why we don't get along. He's emotionally abusive to me and my mother. My mother has enough sense to know it's no good for me - hence, my move to PA to live with Aunt Lu - but she doesn't have enough sense to leave him herself.

After this weekend I think I understand it a little better. My mother and her brother (Uncle Bill) lost their parents to a car accident when they were very young children. Their mother's sister - Aunt Lu - took them in and raised them like they were her own. They struggled though. My grandparents left no money behind and Aunt Lu wasn't financially prepared to take on two children.

Anyway, I think this makes my mom needy for financial security. That's where my father comes in. He may be a big jerk, but he makes big bucks and I think that's why my mom stays with him. She doesn't want to struggle. She doesn't want to give up the bay front property in Sarasota - or the dance studio that my father bought for her.

So how am I a brat? Well, dear old dad came to town and to celebrate my driver's license he bought me a Chrysler Sebring convertible. It's a beautiful car...but I don't want it. None of my friends have a car like that. Besides, I don't want to be bought the way my mother is.

Molly thinks I'm "nucking futs" and has offered to take it off my hands for me. I almost gave it to her but Aunt Lu stopped me. Aunt Lu says I have to keep it.

I'm just so frustrated. I want a car so bad. No more walking or bumming rides and I'll be free. But will I really be free if my father buys it for me? I feel like he's just buying me!

So right now the car is sitting in the driveway - covered by snow. My father's on his way to New York and my mom's on her way to Florida. And I'm left with more emotional baggage to sort through.

I've been spending a lot of time over at the dance studio. I've been taking aerobics classes to work off some of my stress. It really does make me feel better. I don't feel as sad about Josh leaving after I've done a really great workout.

I took my mom by early this afternoon to meet Mona. I thought they'd like to meet since my mom owns a studio in Florida. Well, Mona went on and on about how she'd love to hire me but I won't accept the job. My mom gave me a hard time and told me I should go work at the studio.

I'm really starting to consider it. I love Mrs. Anderson and I'd miss working for her, but I really want to work for the dance studio. Besides, Josh said his mom would understand. I'm going to continue to think it over.

Tonight it's out with Molly, Alex and Tom. It makes me a little nervous...Tom and I going out with Molly and Alex. I wouldn't want him to think it's a double date or anything.

I got my driver's license! My mom, Aunt Lu and I went to Dairy Queen for dinner to celebrate. It's bitter sweet. I can finally drive on my own, but I wish Josh were here. He should be celebrating with me. If it weren't for him taking me out to practice I wouldn't have a license.

Molly wants me to call him to tell him the good news but I don't feel up to it. I don't want to talk to him. I don't want to pretend that I'm happy and that I'm not upset that he's gone.

This weekend should be interesting. My father is flying in tomorrow night after work. He has to conduct some business in New York early next week so he decided to come up early and spend the weekend in Pennsylvania. Lucky Pennsylvania! If I could just convince him to take me to NY with him... It will never happen though. He went to the University of Pennsylvania and he's dead set on me getting into an IV League school as well. There's no way he'd let me miss a day of school to go to NY.

Tomorrow night Molly, Alex, Tom and I are getting together to work on some of the arrangements for our show. Doing this junior project has been a lot of fun. I've been so preoccupied with Josh that I haven't posted much about it. We're doing the show at the end of March and it's about American Popular Music from Ragtime to the present. I have learned so much about American culture just by studying the music. It's amazing, and it's opened up so many different types of music to me. I really appreciate older music now. Aunt Lu likes that I don't mind listening to her stuff anymore. :)

The only problem we've run into is that I was going to ask Josh to play "Maple Leaf Rag" and "The Entertainer" during the Ragtime portion of the show. They sound like difficult songs and I don't know anyone else who can play the piano the way he can. Molly thinks he'd still do it, but I don't know how we'd rehearse it since he's in New York. I'm going to shop around for other piano players. If I don't find anyone we'll either play a CD of the music or ask Josh to come down for the performance.

I really should do some homework. So that's all for now.

I know I haven't posted much this week. I wasn't sure anyone would want to read my self-pity posts this week. I know I should get over it, but I miss Josh. I guess I'm disappointed because he's not here now and so there's no chance that we'll ever be together. How could we if he's in a different state?

I took the day off from work so that I can go take my driver's test. My mom and Aunt Lu are going to take me at 4:00. I'm keeping my fingers crossed. I really do need to get my driver's license so that I don't have to walk everywhere. It's a drag in the rain and snow. Send me positive vibes...!!!!!!!!!

I'm sorry it's been a few days. I've just been feeling down in the dumps since Josh left. Today is a little better though.

Saturday night was interesting. We did the karaoke thing but it was sad. I got up and sang the song "Don't Speak." Nancy made a comment to me in front of Josh that song choices tell a lot about the people that sing them. That girl is just so nasty.

I didn't really talk much to him that night. I just was so afraid I'd break down in tears so I latched onto Molly the whole night. I think she was getting a little frustrated with me. She wanted me to tell him how I feel but I can't. I'm just not going to throw myself at him. If he doesn't know how I feel after that kiss on Christmas Eve than I'm not about to go professing my undying love to him.

Sunday was hard. I stayed in bed half the day until Molly came over and dragged me out of bed for an aerobics class at the dance studio.

Yesterday was hard too. My mood was horrible. The rain and cold weather didn't help. I wanted to stay in bed but I had to go to school. It being Valentine's Day didn't help either.

Today's a little better. The weather is sunny and warm and I haven't cried yet today. I know it's silly but my heart is just broken. I want him and I miss him. I want to see him and talk to him. It's so not fair!!!

By the way, I made an appointment for my driver's test on Thursday. My mom is coming to town tomorrow for a long weekend so she is going to take me. I figured I might as well get my license now that Josh is gone. He won't be here for anymore lessons. :(

The act last night went suprisinly well. There were a few slip ups on my part but I covered well and the audience didn't even notice. We got a standing ovation started by Josh!

After the show Molly met me back stage and told me that the group of guys sitting behind her kept saying how hot I am! I could care less about them, but I love the fact that Josh heard them say it. Molly said his eyes were glued to me the whole time I was on stage.

We met up with Josh, Lauren, Jennifer, Terry, Lindsay and Alex and we decided to go out for pizza. When I saw Josh he smiled at me and said, "All I can say is 'wow.'" They all told me I did a great job but I liked that Josh was so impressed.

As we were walking out of the school, two guys stopped me and asked for my autograph - in case I'm famous someday! It was cute but I'm not going to be famous.

Anyway, we went out for pizza. There were some people from school there and some guy said hi to me as we went in. I made a joke about becoming popular over night and Josh told me that every guy in the auditorium was drooling over me. I wonder if that includes him?

So before we left the waitress comes over with a big ice cream sundae for me. Weird since I didn't order it. She told me it was from a group of guys. I looked over and saw a few guys from the swim team. (I almost joined the girl's team so I kind of know the swimmers.) I took the sundae over to their table and sat with them for a few minutes. I think it kind of bothered Josh. Serves him right for leaving and breaking my heart.

Anway, that wraps up last night. Now I have to give myself a pep talk for tonight. I'm not looking forward to saying good-bye to the love of my life. The idea of waking up tomorrow and knowing that he'll be on his way out of town is so sad.

I feel like I'm going into meltdown mode. This act tonight coupled with Josh's move to New York has me completely drained. All I want to do is crawl into bed and take a long nap. I'm exhausted and I'm tired of putting on a brave front. I'm tired and cranky.

I've been rehearsing non-stop since Wednesday for an act with a bunch of girls that I hardly know! They're all nice and I'm flattered that they think I'm talented enough to lead them tonight, but I still don't want to do it. I don't want to get up on stage and pretend that my heart's not breaking. I just want Josh to tell me he's staying and that he cares about me. Then I want him to pull me into his arms and never let go. That's what would happen if wishes came true. But they don't. Not for me anyway.

Jeez, I hate being so pessimistic. I'm not usually like this. I called Natalie last night and she said I'm becoming cynical and jaded. That's not who I want to be. I want my heart to be open so that I can find Mr. Right (since it doesn't appear to be Josh).

Why did I have to fall for Mr. Unavailable? Mr. Popular? Mr. Most-sought-after-guy? I know why I fell for him...he's amazingly smart, talented and kind. He has an energy about him that draws people in. I want to be just like him. Maybe that's why I want him to want me...because if someone that special wanted me, it would mean that I was special too. When I'm with him, I feel like the luckiest girl, and I don't want to lose that. I don't want to lose him.

And I know I shouldn't judge how special I am, based on what guy I'm dating. I don't really. I know I'm a good person...smart and talented as well. I just love the way I feel when I'm with him.

Molly keeps insisting that I tell him how I feel before he leaves. I just don't see what good it will do. It's not like he'd change his mind...well, Molly thinks he would, but I don't. He's wanted to live in New York since he was a little boy, and he's only known me a year. Besides, do I want to be that girl? That person who keeps him from his dream? No matter how good my intentions are or how much I would love him, I know it's cruel to try to keep a person from their dream.

Anyway, I have to meet the girls at 6:00 to rehearse more before the show. It feels good to get out some of my feelings. This blog is actually pretty therapeutic.

I can't believe I'm getting on stage in front of the school tonight and doing and act that I've only rehearsed for the past two days! I'm a little stressed. Since Deb asked me to fill in on Wednesday I've been rehearsing at every spare seconding I've had. I even asked Mrs. Anderson if I could have off from work yesterday so that I could work on it.

I'm not really nervous about the dancing. I'm a dancer, that comes easy. It's the singing part. If they had asked me to sing backup it would have been one thing, but it was the fact that they needed me to sing the lead part. I love the song (En Vogue's "Don't Let Go" - I'm adding it to my iPod) but I'm not sure it's the best song for my voice. It's a little high in some parts, but the girls said they would cover me with backup vocals.

The song is kind of ironic because it's been what I've been feeling the past few months. Check out these lyrics and tell me it's not what I've been saying:

What's it gonna be? Cuz I can't pretend. Don't you wanna be more than friends?

I often fantasize the stars above are watching you. They know my heart and speak to yours like only lovers do.

Running in and out my life has got me so confused. You gotta make a sacrifice. Somebody's gotta choose.

Doesn't that sound like me the past few months? It's exactly how I've been feeling about Josh...and now he's leaving. I must say this performance has taken my mind off of crying over him, but the song makes me think of him non-stop.

I have wished on every star in the sky that we could be more than just friends. I guess it was in vein. I seriously don't know how I will make it through tomorrow night knowing that he'll be gone, and not knowing when I will see him again. :(

Okay, I don't want to get myself upset. My goal it to not cry over him today. I have to get on stage tonight and knock some socks off. Besides, he'll be in the audience and I only want him to see me at my best.

Well, today was interesting. There's a talent show on Friday night, that I decided not to get involved with because I was asked to help choreograph the spring musical plus Molly and I are working on our junior project. Anyway, this girl, Debbie, asks me to fill in for her friend who has mono. Now let me state again that they show is on Friday - this Friday! I tried to say no but she was so persistant. She thinks I'm the only one who could possibly learn the choreography in that short amount of time. But there's more, because the girl I'm replacing was also the lead singer so now I have to learn a song that I don't know. It's an En Vogue song, which is kind of fitting because it's about figuring out where you stand with a guy that's just a friend. I know I can pull it off. Associating the dance steps with the lyrics help but still...two days. Oh, and I should add that Alex and Tom had a hand in pressuring me into this. They think it will be good for me. Blah!!!!!!

Saturday night is going to be a get together at a place in town that has karaoke. It's a restaurant and not just a bar so we can go there. Molly thought it would be fun since we're all so musical. She thinks it will be fun to make Josh sing "New York, New York." Another Blahhhhhhhhhh!!!! Why am I the only one who thinks this move to New York is a big mistake? Probably because I'm the selfish one in the group. I want him here!

He's supposed to be here to help me with my driving and to hang out with and just be there in case I need him. What am I supposed to do without him, now? I've started to rely on him so much. He's like my tower of strength.

And what about us? Was it all a dream? Did I just make it up in my head? Up until the day he found out his uncle was sick, things with us were looking so promising. I thought he was distracted by his family, but may he just changed his mind instead. IT'S SO NOT FAIR!

I'm so mad! How can he just leave? How can just go? Did our kiss mean nothing to him? It's like it never happened. It's like our friendship barely happened. I feel like we're so far apart right now.

I've been on the phone with Molly for the past 45 minutes. She's planning a get together Saturday night so that we can all hang out with Josh before he leaves. I don't want to go. How am I supposed to spend the evening with him and pretend to be happy that he's walking out of my life?

Molly thinks I should tell him how I feel. I just don't see that happening. What good would it do? It would just add humiliation to the bad feelings I'm dealing with right now. He obviously doesn't care. Our kiss obviously didn't leave much of a mark on him. If it did, he wouldn't be leaving. He wouldn't be able to consider the thought of being away from me!

It's so not fair. I have to forget him. Once and for all, I have to forget him.

He's leaving.

Keith's roommate is leaving school and is subleasing his room to Josh. So Josh is moving to New York.

I know I should be happy for him. I know it's what he has wanted so badly. But my heart is broken. What am I going to do without Josh?

I knew this was coming. I could just feel it or sense it somehow. I knew I was going to loose him and now I that it's true. He's moving on Sunday. Less than a week.

We were so close. So close to becoming something real and now, before that has even had a chance to happen, he's leaving. It's not fair. It's so not fair.

Oh, this *warm* weather is fabulous. 50 degrees...who would have thought that I'd be happy with 50 degrees? It's such a nice change of pace from the bone-chilling weather we've been having. Yesterday Lindsay and I took advantage of it and went into town to do some shoppping. It was great.

Lauren seems to be doing better. I saw her at school today. She's in revenge mode now that her uncle is gone. She's ready to get Craig (not Greg as I accidently called him before) back. She's trying to come up with a prank as a way to get back at him for writing all over her notebook.

Josh called and asked me if he could stop over around 9:00. Aunt Lu wasn't thrilled but she said okay. He said he has to tell me something...hmm...wondering what it could be...

Last night was the viewing for Josh and Lauren's uncle. I hate seeing dead bodies. Not that I've seen a lot - just two - but they never look like the person did in real life. They look like manicans. Josh and Lauren looked like they were hanging in there okay.

Tonight I'm going out with Lindsay, Tom, Molly and Alex. We're going to go out to dinner and then maybe to a movie. I'm glad that Tom's coming with us. I don't want him to feel as lonely as I did when I first moved here.

Sorry there's not more to report. My mood is kind of crappy right now, but I guess death and funerals will do that to you.

Jennifer told me today that she has a date with Terry lined up for tomorrow night. She looked so happy. I'm glad things are working out for her. Terry is a great guy.

We found out today that our choir trip had to be changed. We were supposed to go to Arizona but we didn't raise enough money for the flights out and back so now we're going to New York. Everyone was pretty disappointed but I was kind of happy. I've been trying to get to New York ever since I moved here and now I'll finally have my chance!

Tonight is the viewing for Josh's uncle. Aunt Lu, Molly and I are going to go together. I hope Josh and his family are doing okay. Lauren has been back in school and seems okay. I think it was the shock of him going the way he did that was hardest for them to come to grips with. But what do I know? I have never really had to deal with anything like this before.

Last night I had my driving lesson with Josh but we ended up pulling over and going to Starbucks to talk. I told him I was surprised that he wasn't at home and he told me that he desperately needed to get out of the house. He's having a hard time seeing his mom so broken up.

We talked about his uncle and about New York. It sounds like he's getting more involved with the people in New York. I don't know. I just feel him pulling away and going in a different direction. I don't really know how to describe it but the hunch that I was having yesterday seems more real now than before. I just feel like I'm losing him and it's beyond my control.

I went to the library during lunch today to do my math homework. And to avoid Molly and Alex. I just couldn't bear to watch them make eyes at each other. I'm so thrilled for them, I really am, but I just couldn't deal with it today.

After school I was waiting in the choir room for Lindsay to give me a ride home. Tom, the new guy who's playing the guitar for us, came in and talked to me for awhile. He could tell something was wrong. I didn't really get into things with him but it was nice to have someone care. I can tell he's feeling a little like I was last year when I moved here. I should invite him to hang out with us more. He and Alex get along really well and I'm sure he could use from companionship.

Well that's all for now. I should get some sleep

I haven't talked to Lauren or Josh but I got a text message from Josh today that said "still on for tonight - 7:00" - I guess this means we're still doing our driving lesson. I hope he's holding up. The Anderson's house was dark last night until real late when I saw Josh pull up and go into the house. I don't think anyone else was around though.

Molly and Alex are on Cloud 9. I'm so happy for them but it's hard to feel good right now. I feel bad for the Andersons and I'm so confused about my standing with Josh. I just don't know what we are to each other.

Was our kiss just something to do because of tradition, because of the mistletoe? It couldn't have been though because he kissed me again later that night and then again on Christmas Day. And then again at midnight on New Years Eve! I just don't understand what changed. Was it his uncle's illness and subsequent death?

I've just been having a bag, nagging feeling for the past week or so. I just feel like something is going on that I don't know about. I feel like this thing with Josh isn't going to happen. I told Molly and she thinks I'm nuts. Maybe I am, but I can't explain this feeling. I just feel completely bummed out right now.