I feel like I'm going into meltdown mode. This act tonight coupled with Josh's move to New York has me completely drained. All I want to do is crawl into bed and take a long nap. I'm exhausted and I'm tired of putting on a brave front. I'm tired and cranky.

I've been rehearsing non-stop since Wednesday for an act with a bunch of girls that I hardly know! They're all nice and I'm flattered that they think I'm talented enough to lead them tonight, but I still don't want to do it. I don't want to get up on stage and pretend that my heart's not breaking. I just want Josh to tell me he's staying and that he cares about me. Then I want him to pull me into his arms and never let go. That's what would happen if wishes came true. But they don't. Not for me anyway.

Jeez, I hate being so pessimistic. I'm not usually like this. I called Natalie last night and she said I'm becoming cynical and jaded. That's not who I want to be. I want my heart to be open so that I can find Mr. Right (since it doesn't appear to be Josh).

Why did I have to fall for Mr. Unavailable? Mr. Popular? Mr. Most-sought-after-guy? I know why I fell for him...he's amazingly smart, talented and kind. He has an energy about him that draws people in. I want to be just like him. Maybe that's why I want him to want me...because if someone that special wanted me, it would mean that I was special too. When I'm with him, I feel like the luckiest girl, and I don't want to lose that. I don't want to lose him.

And I know I shouldn't judge how special I am, based on what guy I'm dating. I don't really. I know I'm a good person...smart and talented as well. I just love the way I feel when I'm with him.

Molly keeps insisting that I tell him how I feel before he leaves. I just don't see what good it will do. It's not like he'd change his mind...well, Molly thinks he would, but I don't. He's wanted to live in New York since he was a little boy, and he's only known me a year. Besides, do I want to be that girl? That person who keeps him from his dream? No matter how good my intentions are or how much I would love him, I know it's cruel to try to keep a person from their dream.

Anyway, I have to meet the girls at 6:00 to rehearse more before the show. It feels good to get out some of my feelings. This blog is actually pretty therapeutic.