I've been a slacker blogger. Things have been so busy with dance rehearsals this week. The Mambo + the group Waltz has had us busy. And on top of everything else there is work.

This weekend was good and weird. Friday night I was leaving the swim club to head home and Josh called and asked me if I wanted to hang out once his set was over. So I went over to the Anderson's house late that night. Josh and I were playing scrabble and talking and then the storm knocked the lights out. The rest of the night we sat there playing in the dark - in the candlelight. He looked so unbelievably cute with the light flickering on his face. We had so much fun and such a good conversation.

On Saturday he told me that Angelo called him and wanted me to be at the restaurant that night. Angelo thinks that our partnership in the dance competition as brought customers in to see Josh sing. Angelo thinks people will like to see me there. Josh told me that Angelo has been driving him crazy about this so I agreed to go. It didn't take much convincing to get Lauren to tag along with me. It was a nice evening and Angelo gave us a free dinner.

After the show Josh asked me if I wanted to hang out again. I did. I really did, but I declined because Friday night was almost too much for me. Sitting there, in the dark, just the two of us...it was so nice being one-on-one with him, but it was also hard. I've created a situation where I can't act on my feelings. All I can do is sit there and pretend that this thing between us is friendship. I just couldn't do it two nights in a row. It would be like going on a diet and hanging out in a bakery every day.

Our dance rehearsals are going really well. It's just the pause that we're having trouble with, but it's getting better and I think this is our best dance yet.

Last night was our best night so far. We came in 2nd place for the evening! Now it's on to the Mambo. I'm so excited about the song. I love "Hungry Eyes." I have loved it since I was younger and first saw "Dirty Dancing." Speaking of which, last night after the competition I told Josh that he and I were having a movie night. He wanted to go out with everyone but I told him that he was going home and watching "Dirty Dancing." To my surprise, he didn't really protest. I thought it would be good for him to learn a little about the mambo and I could point out some of Baby's mistakes while she's learning. I think it worked out. We talked about frame and dancing on the 2nd beat.

That's the hard part about Mambo. It's pause-2-3-4 and the natural tendency is to want to dance on the first beat. I heard that the judges were going to let us dance on 1, but I refuse. If we're going to do it, we're going to do it right and that means dancing on 2. I'm sure it will also mean that my toes get stepped on a lot during rehearsals.

Tonight is our Mambo class and then we have another rehearsal for the Waltz. This competition is really starting to heat up now. A really good dancer was eliminated last night. You just never know how things are going to work out. Anything can happen.

Last night was the most fun night of the summer so far. We had our rehearsal for the group Waltz. It was so crazy - in a fun way! Everyone was laughing and having a good time learning the routine. It's really easy and everyone was picking it up well.

After rehearsals Josh invited everyone back to his house. His parents are away this week and he thought it would be fun to use their new hot tub (especially since everyone has achy muscles from all the dancing). Not everyone went but a lot of us were there. We called Molly and told her to join us. We ordered pizza and spent the night eating and going in and out of the hot tub. Josh even fired up the grill and threw on some hot dogs that his mom had in the freezer. I love impromptu parties! It was such a nice bonding experience for all of the dancers.

After the party started to break up, I told Josh that I was going to run home to change into dry clothes and then I'd be back to help him clean up. He grabbed my hand and said, "I thought we could go for one more dip in the hot tub." The look on Tanya's face made my day. She looked really annoyed - and part of me feels bad because I don't really want her to feel bad. I actually would really like the girl if she wasn't after Josh. I just can't stand watching her throw herself at him all the time. It drives me nuts!!!!

So anyway, Josh and I took one last dip in the hot tub. He kept smiling at me and I asked him what was up. He told me that I finally look "at ease" and he said he hasn't seen me look that way in a long time. I guess I've been pretty up-tight. But do you blame me? This whole summer has been really weird. There have been times where I thought things were better and then I'd find out they were still messed up. Now, I finally feel like things really are better.

Tonight we do our Cha Cha. I'm feeling really confident about it this week. The dance is fun and flirty and I think the judges will like it. They liked the flirty aspect of the Rhumba so I've kicked it up and notch and replaced the romance with fun. We'll see how it goes. It turns out that adding the Mambo to the line-up was a blessing after all. They've approved "Hungry Eyes" as our song for next week!!! Yea!!! :)

The rain yesterday was like a gift from God. It meant that Josh and I got paid to rehearse all afternoon. The pool was closed but the club has to remain open. Well, no one was there because what is there to do besides swim? So instead of loafing around with the rest of the staff, we rehearsed. Three extra hours of rehearsal!!!!! We needed it too, since we had no rehearsal on Sunday.

Things with Josh have been much better since we talked on Sunday. Not that things were horrible before, but there was always a little awkwardness between us that has finally lifted. We’re more at ease, and having more fun.

It’s so nice to have Molly back in my life. I didn’t realize how much I had missed her. It seems that Josh’s cousin, Drew has a little crush on Molly. He’s too young for her, and she would never look at him that way, but it’s cute. He was asking Josh and me for advice for getting her attention. I felt bad. We didn’t want to crush the poor kid, but we also don’t want him to get his hopes up.

Speaking of crushes…it looks like Lauren’s crush on Alex may not be unrequited after all. He stopped by earlier today to have lunch with me and he told me that he kind of likes her. He also told me that he thinks she’s too young and that he isn’t going to do anything about it. They are only two years apart in age (the same as me and Josh), but Alex said he doesn’t feel right about living in the Anderson’s house and hitting on their daughter. He also thinks it’s useless to get involved when he’s going back to school in a month. I guess I see his point. It’s probably better this way. Alex doesn’t have the best track record and I’d hate to see Lauren get hurt.

Molly and I had our talk last night. She told me that she’s tired of the “Josh and Nicole Saga.” She said she had hoped that I would stay with Patrick because she thought it would be less heartache. I nodded in agreement, but she shook her head and told me she was wrong. She told me that I should be with the one I love.

I told her that things with the “one I love” are so messed up, and now I don’t know if I can trust him. I don’t know what’s real and what’s not. She told me that Josh probably didn’t mean to hurt me by telling Patrick to back off. She reminded me that I’ve known Josh for years and he’s always been real, and that he’s only human and deserves a pass every now and then.

When we got home I walked up to the Anderson’s door and knocked on it. Lauren answered and sent me downstairs to the basement to find him. He was strumming on his guitar when I walked down the stairs and looked up at me surprised. I asked him if we could talk and he nodded and put down the guitar.

I told him that it really threw me when I found out that he was behind Patrick dumping me. I told him that he had no right to do that. I told him that if I had done something like that to him, he would have been beyond angry.

He nodded and said, “I don’t know what to say. You’re right.” He stood up then and put his guitar in its case and I just sat there thinking that it was too easy. He walked over to me and was like, “I was out of line. I just hated the idea of you with someone else. It drove me crazy. And Patrick isn’t good enough for you.”

I didn’t want to debate that. Patrick is a great guy and a damn good catch – and I knew this wasn’t even about Patrick. It was about him manipulating things to his benefit. I just looked at him and said, “You know that you hold a special place in my life and that your opinion means the world to me, but just because you have a claim on my heart doesn’t mean that you get to meddle in my life – especially behind my back.”

He apologized and then smiled and said, “So I have a claim on your heart?” I realized what I had said, and for a moment was embarrassed but I just smiled. I told him that it seems like I have a pretty big claim on his heart. He laughed and told me that we couldn’t discuss such things because of our pact.

I told him that I was going to head out then, and I turned to walk away but he grabbed my hand. We stood there for a second looking at each other and he said, “I really am sorry.” I told him that I knew and then I stepped towards him and kissed his cheek and whispered “good-night, Josh.”

So it was a pretty good day. Molly and I are good. And Josh and I are good.

Yesterday was great. Rehearsals went well. We went for an afternoon hike and then went swimming. It was last night that wasn’t so great.

Josh convinced me to go with him and Alex to Kelly’s party. I was invited but wasn’t planning to go. Molly was still being a jerk to me and I didn’t want to deal with her. I think I only got invited to the party because of Josh, but anyway…Josh talked me into going.

When we got there, Kelly asked Alex to see if he could fix the sound system because it wasn’t working right. Then she grabbed Josh and dragged him off somewhere. I was left standing there by myself. I didn’t want to talk to Molly so I went over to the food table and figured I’d pretend I was getting food while I waited for Josh to return. It felt like forever and I was really uncomfortable. I hate not knowing anyone at parties. I was just standing there when Patrick walked over and rescued me.

We started talking and went out to the back patio to sit down. We were talking about why Molly is mad at me, and then we started talking about his upcoming move to Florida. I was actually having fun when Josh walked out. He did not look happy to see me sitting there talking to Patrick. He gave me a look and then turned and walked back into the house.

I followed him inside and grabbed his arm to stop him. I asked him where he’d been and he said he was looking all over for me. I asked him why, then, did he walk away as soon as he’d found me. He told me that he didn’t want to interrupt. I assured him that there was nothing to interrupt. He seemed to accept that but the rest of the night was weird.

I was in the kitchen a little later trying to clean off a chocolate stain on my white shirt and Molly came in looking ticked off. She said, “I can’t believe you have two guys doing your bidding now!” I just looked at her. Really, I had no idea what she was talking about. My ignorance didn’t last long, though, because she proceeded to tell me that both Josh and Patrick had talked to her about being mean to me. Apparently she’s not talking to Josh now either. I don’t know exactly what happened but she told him off. She then told me that Patrick told her that he broke up with me because Josh asked him to!

At this point I was livid. I was mad that Josh and Patrick were telling her to be nice to me. I can take care of myself! I started telling her this and she seemed less annoyed with me and more annoyed with them. Then I started to get mad that Josh asked Patrick to break up with me! Who does he think he is? I can’t believe he thinks he can manipulate my life like that

Molly seemed to simmer down quite a bit and we made plans to go out tonight to talk things through. Things with Josh, however, are not so great. When we got home, Alex made a mad dash into the Anderson’s house while Josh and I stood outside yelling at each other. I was so mad at him for telling Patrick to break up with me. If I told Tanya or Laura – or any one of his fan club members – to stay away from him, he would be beyond livid.

I was reading my blog entry from exactly two years ago. It made me kind of sad. I was returning home and Josh had picked me up at the airport. I was so happy. I remember the way I felt when I saw him and how I ran into his arms and how he kissed me. Things were so perfect.

Yesterday we spent the day on our Cha Cha. Josh has knowledge of the basic Cha Cha so he caught on pretty quickly. This is week three of the competition and so far we’ve done all Latin dances so he’s getting pretty good at the hip action. The more he understands the dances, the better he gets.

After rehearsal I met up with Amanda and Natalie. We had dinner in town and then went to Angelo’s. Josh asked me to go see them sing, and I wanted to prove to Natalie that doo-wop music is really good. She was a good sport – even when we blasted Amanda’s country music as we drove from place to place.

We had a good time. Josh and Alex came over and sat with us during their breaks. It was a huge difference from a few weeks ago. I was kind of nervous about it when we got there because I was afraid he’d hardly spend any time with us, but he really seemed happy that we were there. After their set was over, the five of us went to another restaurant for more food. I swear, I ate, ate, ate all night. It was late by the time we were finished so Natalie and Amanda spent the night.

Today will be a busy day. Josh and I are rehearsing more this morning. Last night he told me that we are going to do a team building exercise this afternoon…and I thought I was supposed to be the teacher. Oh well, team building is probably a good thing so I’ll go along with it.

I'm in a crabby mood today. I got up early so that Josh and I could work on our Cha Cha (yes, Cha Cha - not the Waltz! I'll get to that later...). Well, Josh got called into work this morning because one of the lifeguards called out and they will be understaffed until 10:00. Very annoying. I really could have used some extra sleep. But now I'm up and wide awake.

So, the competition was good on Wednesday. We weren't #1 but we were at the top end of the leader board. The judges said they saw huge improvements and that our dance was very romantic and very believable! I was thrilled and so was Josh.

After the show, we found out that we are doing the Cha Cha next week. I was kind of pissed since I had already choreographed the Waltz. It turns out that they wanted to add the Mambo to the line-up and so we are doing the Cha Cha next week, and then the following week we are doing the Mambo and a group Waltz.

Yesterday I spent the day at work listening to "Dance With Me" (our Cha Cha song) over and over again to get a feel for it and work out some choreography. Josh and Henry were giving me grief for listening to it so much but I was so stressed. I like to think through the choreography and not just throw something together on the fly!

Last night was had our dance lesson. It was a lot of fun and I got to dance with Josh this time. Afterwards a bunch of people were heading over to Angelo's. I kind of didn't want to go because Tanya was dragging Josh out the door and holding his hand and I didn't want to put myself in the position to feel jealous. But I went anyway.

It was actually kind of fun. They had a jazz band playing so there were a lot of good Swing and Fox Trot songs to dance to. Tanya was hanging all over Josh so I danced with her dance partner, Damon. Later, I was getting a soda from the bar and Jennifer walked over and told me that I should "forget the stupid pact and reclaim my man." It was so funny the way she said it! I appreciate the sentiment, but Josh isn't my man and I can't go around "claiming" him.

Later I was slow dancing with JD but I couldn't keep my eyes off of Josh who was dancing with Tanya. It was like watching a car accident. You know you shouldn't look at it, but you can't stop. I just wanted to gage how close they were dancing, where his hands were, if he looked happy. Well, he caught me looking. Our eyes met and I looked away real quick. Then I realized that he looked kind of sad so I looked at him again and he gave me a sad smile (is that possible?). After that song, he pulled away from Tanya and walked over to me and asked me to dance. He pulled me close and I felt like the planets were realigning back to the way they're supposed to be. He held me close...much closer than the way he held Tanya. Maybe I'm reading too much into things. I don't know what's going on with him and Tanya and I can't ask because of the pact, but I do know that he looked much happier when he was dancing with me than when he was dancing with her.

I spent 16 hours at work yesterday. I wasn't "working" all of those hours, but I still wasn't happy to be there. Josh and I were supposed to rehearse last night, but we had 2 lifeguards call out sick, and Henry was ill so Josh had to go in and cover for people. By 7:00 we were able to close one of the pools so that he could work on the dance with me in the office.

We ended up staying there after closing and rehearsed in the dance room that we have for the camp. We had a good rehearsal and I think he's ready for tonight. We both feel a lot better about this dance compared to the East Coast Swing.

The only weird part about it is the romantic aspect of the dance. I feel weird. I'm pretending that I don't have feelings for him, so therefore, I have to pretend that I'm pretending that I do have feelings for him. It's so confusing! We do a move where I'm facing away from him and he comes up behind me and we sway for a few beats. Every time we do it, I want to melt into him. And then I touch his face at one point and every time I do it I want to kiss him. The worst part is that it's my choreography so I have no one to blame but myself!

And then last night, after working on our routine, Josh was scrolling through the playlists on my iPod. I have some dance related lists: Swing, Tango, Cha Cha, Rhumba, etc. They aren't all strict tempo, but you can dance to them. So he stops at Rhumba and tells me that he wants to try dancing the dance itself and not our routine. I was thrilled because I really want him to learn the dance and not just the choreography. He picked "Hungry Eyes" from the list (also a Mambo song), and we started to dance. He was actually pretty good. He could use some work on leading, but his footwork was good and he knew the steps.

I told him that I was impressed. He actually could Rhumba! It was great. We danced to several songs and I could see his form improving with each one. I think understanding the dance and how it works outside of a routine made him realize why I'm always yelling at him to drop his shoulders and maintain the frame.

After a few songs, the song "Take My Breath Away" came on and about half way through it, he broke the frame and put his hands on my hips and pulled me closer. I said, "I don't think this is the Rhumba." He told me he wanted to dance without thinking and pulled me even closer. I knew we were too close but I couldn't resist so we slow danced to the end of the song. Fortunately (or unfortunately!) that was the last song on the play list so we decided we should call it a night.

When I got home all I could think about was being that close to him. I can't let myself think like that! We have a pact that there will be no romance while we are competing. I told myself I'd just shake it off, but when I got to work this morning I saw him standing outside talking to Laura. I swear I felt some of those unsettling jealous feelings bubbling up to the surface.

I cannot allow this. I cannot allow myself to feel for him in any way that is going to result in me crying my eyes out. I have to remember that the only romance we're going to have this summer is on the dance floor. The Rhumba will be over tonight and then we do the Waltz - another romantic dance - but after that we're in the clear. I think it's Cha Cha and we don't have to gaze into each other's eyes or touch each others face to do a convincing Cha Cha!

Josh and I have been practicing our Rhumba. Sometimes it's great, sometimes it's frustrating as hell. Last night I was lying awake thinking about him - not in the way that I usually lie awake thinking about him, this was about how to make the best dancer out of him. I realized that I have to figure out his strengths and weaknesses.

His strengths are that he's got incredible musicality. He understands timing. He understands what I mean when I tell him to step on the down beat, or start on the second beat. He also has charm and stage presence - and that is huge.

His weakness is that he's good at almost everything he tries. Some may not consider that a weakness, but it is because I don't want him to think he's so good that he doesn't have to try harder. A person who thinks they have all the answers, fails to ask questions, and asking questions is key to learning. When I try to correct him, he gets annoyed because he's so used to getting things right. I have to figure out a way to show him how to do things properly without hurting his ego. I want him to be confident but not over confident!

I had no idea how hard this would be. There is so much to consider. Every dance is different, every dancer is different. The thing is that I want Josh to be able to do these dances - and not just the routines. In 20 years, I hope he'll be able to go out to the dance floor, hear a song, think "this is a Rhumba" and remember the steps.

Okay, enough about that. When I'm not thinking about how to make Josh the best dancer, I'm worrying about things with Molly. She hasn't been friendly in weeks. I think she should be over this by now - and I didn't do anything to her. I didn't even do anything to Patrick! He dumped me, and she's acting like I was a horrible witch to him! She told me yesterday that she didn't appreciate me "luring" Josh away from them at Dairy Queen the other night. I almost laughed, and then realized she was serious! I just don't know what to do. I don't know what I can do. I've apologized. I've told her that I want to continue to be friends, and nothing seems to help.

I just thought that Molly would understand that I can't help who my heart wants. She was there through all of it. She knows that I didn't set out to date Patrick and then find myself wanting someone else. It's not like I picked some new, random guy to like more than Patrick. It's Josh! It's the guy who has had a monopoly on my heart for the past 3 years! I don't know what to do to get through to her.

If it's not one thing, it's another, right? I spent the first half of the summer bickering with Josh, and now it's Molly who I can't seem to get along with. I can't even think about it anymore...

A less maddening topic...the skunk. He - or she - is back. Lauren and I drove into work together this morning and we smelt it right away. I went into the office and Josh was on the phone with animal control. The problem is that skunks come out at night, and we have no proof that the smell wasn't lingering from last night. They will only do something if we see the skunk during the day. We're all on skunk-alert now. If anyone sees it, we have to notify Henry or Josh immediately. I just hope that if the skunk is out and about, I will see it before it see me!

Last night I gave Josh a taste of his own medicine. Nat, Arie and I went out to dinner and then we went to Dairy Queen for dessert. When we walked in I saw Josh sitting there with Kelly, Molly and a bunch of Kelly’s friends. I went over and said “hello” and then went and ordered my blizzard (chocolate chip cookie dough…yum!)

We sat across the room at a table where I had the perfect view of Josh. It wasn’t something I had planned, but when Natalie and Arie both went to the restroom at the same time, I pulled out the cell phone and called Josh’s number. I watched as he pulled his phone out of his pocket and saw the smile on his face when he saw my number. He flipped open his phone and looked at me as he said “hello.”

I said, “Having fun over there?” He grinned back at me in a way that I haven’t seen in a long time and said, “I am now.” I told him that he should ditch his friends and meet Natalie, Arie and I to play mini golf. He said something like, “I just might do that.”

We hung up the phone then and I left with Natalie and Arie. As soon as we got in the car I started to freak out. I couldn’t believe I did that. At the time it seemed like I good idea, but afterwards I was afraid that he’d think I was crazy. Which, in and of itself, is crazy, because I have done a lot of nutty things for the guy and he’s still around, so I don’t know why I was such a mess.

We got to the miniature golf place and I was upset because I didn’t think Josh was coming. Natalie was trying to reason with me. Finally she said, “Nicole, I’m sure he’s -” and then she paused, smiled and pointed “right over there.” I turned around and saw him walking towards us. He smiled at me and said hi and I knew that the real Josh had showed up.

Miniature golf was fun. Josh won. Of course. I said good-bye to Arie and Nat after that and Josh drove me home. We were talking about things at work until we pulled up in front of his house. I was getting ready to head for my house when he stopped me. He told me that he was sorry for not being a better student for the East Coast Swing. I told him not to worry – that the Rhumba was our chance to make things right. He gave me a hug then and all my worries about the competition melted away.

Last night Kim and I went out for dinner. Afterwards we were walking around town and she suggested that we go get dessert. I knew Josh was singing at Angelo’s so I suggested we go there. I know I should have stayed away, but I’m a glutton for punishment.

We sat down to eat and listened to the doo-wop group and Kim kind of gave me a hard time about why we were there. When the guys took their break, Josh and Alex walked over to say “hi” to us. We were talking to them when a waiter came over and handed Josh a note. He said, “Josh, this is from the blond at the bar.” We all looked and saw a Jessica Simpson look alike sitting there. Josh read the note and then said, “I should probably go talk to her.” He walked away and I was ready to scream. I just can’t believe there are always girls all over the place that want the attention of my guy!

Why couldn’t I have fallen for someone less wanted? It’s ridiculous. I’ve never seen anything like it. And I get so mad when I think I’m just another one of those girls!

Today we worked on the Rhumba. I wasn’t in a very good mood. We ended up getting in a fight. I asked him if he was going to call “Jessica Simpson.” He shot me a look and said no. I asked him why not and he got mad at me. He said he thought we had a pact about our love lives. He said something like, “You won’t let me discuss a kiss that happened between the two of us, but you think its okay to interrogate me about things that don’t concern you?”

On one hand he’s right, but on the other, I wanted to scream “Of course it concerns me! I love you, you bonehead!” It’s so frustrating. But I’m glad he’s not going to call her.

Mona walked in on our rehearsal and gave me a look. She said that we don’t look very romantic. She said, “Come on! This is a passionate dance. Pretend you’re in love.” She told us we should make the audience blush.

After she left, Josh made a comment like, “Seems like the only time I make you blush these days is when I piss you off.” I wanted to tell him that I wake up in the morning blushing from the things I dreamt about him, but I knew that would be giving away too much information. Instead I looked him square in the eyes and told him that I miss him…the real him. He nodded and said, “I miss you too.” I saw his eyes soften and I thought I might cry from relief, but I held it together and we got back to work…better and more productive.

Last night was our Rhumba class. It was fun but I didn’t spend much time with Josh. JD was teaching the class and needed my help demonstrating so Josh danced with Jennifer for most of the night. Still, it was a lot of fun. Most of the students were at the show on Wednesday so they were having fun learning along with us. The competitors were all joking around with each other, but also working really hard to master the dance.

Josh and I rehearsed all morning. It gave us some time to get into the rhythm of the Rhumba. He’s taking direction better on this dance and his form is already improving. I think the judge’s comments got through to him. Now if I could just do something to make things feel less awkward between us…

I’m still trying to find a way to get both of us to feel more comfortable together. Things have been at an all time height of weirdness since we kissed on the 4^th of July. We have to just relax, have fun and stop feeling so weird around each other.

I met Josh and Lauren’s cousin, Drew, today. He seems like a nice kid…a little immature, but nice. Josh talked Henry into letting him work at the snack bar at the swim club for the rest of the summer.

While I was at the Anderson’s house I picked our song for the Waltz – if we get through to the Waltz round. The song is “A Time For Us” from “Romeo and Juliet.” Josh was playing it on the piano when I arrived and it’s so pretty. I just hope we get our first choice song for next week.

Well, that’s all for now. I’m at work so I should probably do something work-related…

We made it through the first round and we’re on to week 2! We actually did better than I thought. We were in the middle of the pack, which means that we’re not at the bottom, but we also have room to grow.

Tonight we have “dance class.” All of the competing couples go to the dance studio and take a lesson with regular students (most of them come see the show). Tonight we learn the Rhumba. I’m a little nervous – mostly because of the romantic aspects of the dance.

The judges told us that our lack of connection is what held us back last night (along with some issues with Josh’s form). They said they want to believe the dance and they didn’t believe it last night. Now we have to dance the most sensual, romantic dance and make it believable.

We didn’t get my first pick song (“Hungry Eyes”) so we’re dancing to “I Could Fall In Love” by Selena. I hope we can pull it off.

I’m trying to figure out how I can connect with Josh more. We have to find a way to bridge the distance. We need to have some fun.

I should get going. I’m at work and Adult Swim is about to start. I usually set up musical hoola hoops (like musical chairs) or teach a line dance during Adult Swim to keep the kids entertained. Today we’re playing freeze dance and I’ve got to get outside before the whistle blows!

Tonight is the first performance of the competition. I am so nervous. I feel bad because I think I’m making Josh nervous. I’m trying to be upbeat and positive but I just don’t think our dance is going to *wow* the crowd. I saw Jennifer and JD practicing yesterday and they looked so good. They looked like they were having fun, and Josh and I just don’t look like that.

The other thing is that he knows how to swing. The problem is that he learned at a school event, so he’s been dancing the swing for years without ever learning proper form. I’ve been trying to help him clean up his footwork and drop his shoulders, but old habits are hard to break. As nerve-wracking as the Rhumba may be, at least we’ll be starting from scratch.

Okay, enough with the worry about the dance. I think I know why Alex wants to move out of the Anderson’s house. Lauren kind of let it slip that she thinks he’s really cute. Maybe he’s picked up on her interest and doesn’t want to get involved. It’s just a guess, but it would explain things.

I ran into a high school friend, Kim, last night. She asked me if I want to go out Friday night. I'm really looking forward to it. It will be good to catch up and I've been kind of lonely with Molly being mad at me.

Send me good vibes tonight - 7:00 p.m. EST!!!!

I had a dream last night about Josh. I don’t remember much, just that he was so sweet to me. I woke up missing him so badly. Our rehearsals have been agonizing. We’re not connecting at all. I feel like I’m working with a stranger. It’s so frustrating and awkward.

I think he wants to connect with me, but he’s going about it the wrong way. He has to stop living under the delusion that a few cute little stunts are going to get us back on track. I don't want phone calls from across a restaurant, secret rendezvous, kisses for a dollar, or lines like "reliving kisses over and over." I want the real Josh to show up.

I want the guy who raced home from New York when Aunt Lu was in the hospital so that I could cry on his shoulder. I want the guy who took me to the Empire State Building for the first time because I so desperately wanted to go. I want the guy who took my hand and swore he’d catch me when I fall. I want the guy who promised to be gentle the first time we kissed because he knew I was nervous. God, where is he? I see someone who looks like him. I talk to someone who sounds like him, but he is so closed up. And I am so closed up.

We’re meeting when he gets off of work so that we can rehearse some more. Tomorrow night is our first performance and I’m scared to death. I’m afraid the audience will see how awkward we are. And if we make it through this week, we have to do the Rhumba next week. I just don’t know how we’re going to pull that off. It’s all about romance and sensuality. It’s about everything that used to be Josh and me - everything that we had, but is now gone. Can we find that again? Can we muster up just enough of it to pull of the dance? I just don’t know…

Josh and I made an agreement. No talking about love, romance, feelings or anything like any of the previous topics. We made a pact. It's supposed to carry us through this competition.

See, the thing is that I know I can't handle knowing about his love life. I don't want to think about him with another girl. I don't want to imagine him looking at her the way he used to look at me. I have already seen him kiss Tanya while they were in the play and that was agony enough. I just can't deal with it.

I also know that if things were to happen between the two of us, and then suddenly go wrong, we wouldn't be able to be partners. We wouldn't be able to win.

This pact is about self-preservation. I need to go around blissfully ignorant about his love life, or I'll fall apart! I need to think that if the pact weren't there, that he would want me as much as I want him. This pact protects this competition, but more importantly, it protects my heart.

So why is everyone else making this so damn hard for me? I'm tired of hearing how stupid this pact is. I'm tried of people telling me to tell him how I feel. I can't do that. I don't trust it yet. Things aren't like they used to be. I've only seen glimpses of the Josh I loved. He's got so many walls around him that I can barely see him right now. Instead, I'm seeing a guy who tries to use his charm to get what he wants, and that's not the Josh I know.

Last night he tried to talk about the kiss. I gave him a warning look and said "what kiss?" He stood there looking angry and then dropped it. We rehearsed for awhile and then he brought it up again. I replied once again with "what kiss?" This time he just shook his head and laughed at me. He said, "The kiss that sent electricity through the room. The kiss that we've both been reliving in our minds over and over again. The kiss that left you weak in the knees and short of breath." I just stood there, a million thoughts racing through my mind, but all I could manage to say was, "what kiss?" He laughed and said, "That's good. If I didn't know better I'd probably believe you." He looked amused and I was furious, but there was no way I was going to let him know that he was getting to me.

Things have been all around weird lately. I went over to the Anderson's house last night because Alex and I were going out to dinner. I was standing in the kitchen talking to Mrs. Anderson. She told me that her nephew is coming to stay with them for the rest of the summer and was trying to figure out where she was going to put him. Alex walked in and suggested he move to my house! Mrs. Anderson just laughed it off and told him not to be silly, and that she would work it out.

I wasn't so quick to let it go. The minute we got in the car I was asking him why he wanted to move out of the Anderson's house. He got all weird about it and wouldn't answer me. I told him that he can't just invite himself to move into my house (or rather Aunt Lu's house!) without talking to me first!

That's the story with Alex. The other weirdness is coming from Molly. She's been mad at me since things with Patrick didn't work out. She thinks I shouldn't have gotten involved with him. She's right and I've told her that, but she's still mad. The weird thing is that Patrick and I are still talking. He's not mad or holding a grudge - so why should she?

Everyone else gets it. Amanda told me I should be with the one I love. Natalie said "the heart wants what the heart wants." Aunt Lu told me I shouldn't have to fight so hard to want someone (Patrick) and fight so hard not to want someone (Josh). They all get it. So why is Molly so angry at me? Why does she care so much about who I love?

I should get going. Josh and I are rehearsing this afternoon. Last night was his last show of "West Side Story" so I'm hoping that he will be completely focused on the dance competition.

It's been a busy week of non-stop rehearsals for the 4th of July show. Today was my day off and I spent it teaching Josh the routine for our first dance. The dance is the East Coast Swing and the song is "The Morse Code of Love." Things are...how do I put this? He's driving me nuts!

Maybe I should rewind a few days. The 4th of July was crazy. I think I started running around to get things ready on July 1st and didn't stop until 11:30 p.m. on the 4th! In addition to the July 4th celebration, I had to get Josh started on the swing routine so there was no time for anything.

The 4th of July party went really well. The games, the food, the activities were a huge hit. Our American Music show was awesome. Jennifer and Lauren did a fantastic job of getting the kids involved in it. I convinced J.D. to do a dance to "Rock Around The Clock" with me that really got the crowd going. I also spent a few hours with Terry at the kissing booth. He was there for the girls and I was there for the guys.

Fireworks went off around 9:00. Natalie and Arie (visiting from Florida) came to watch with me. The three of us sat together, eating ice cream and watching the show. I think I probably watched Josh more than I watched the show. He was sitting with our friends and his "groupies" (AKA Tanya and Laura). I caught his eyes a few times and then finally he waved and I felt embarrassed that he'd caught me looking so many times.

After the fireworks were over, Henry and I went into his office and started counting up the money we made (it all goes to a camp scholarship fund). I was so tired I was delirious at this point. All I know is that Henry left and Josh came in to help out. He mentioned the kissing booth and told me he wanted to make a contribution but was afraid it would break our pact. I remember mumbling something about it being for a good cause, and the next thing I knew he was dropping a dollar in the jar and kissing me.

I think it lasted all of two seconds, but suddenly the air was more charged in that little room than outside. We looked at each other for a minute not sure what to do and then he pulled a five dollar bill out and dropped it in the jar and said something about the next kiss far exceeding a dollar. He pulled me close and kissed me again. It felt like it went on forever, but when we heard Natalie and Arie coming, he pulled away and it seemed so short.

Josh made a quick exit when they walked in. They didn't see us kiss but Nat knew. I tried to laugh it off when she questioned me but she shook her head and said, "there are more fireworks in here than outside!"

So that was the 4th of July. The next day was the first day Josh and I had to work on the routine for the East Coast swing. Things were awkward between us. We made a pact: no romance, no talk of romance, no talk of feelings, NOTHING. So we couldn't talk about the kiss that never should have happened.

The other problem was that he was really impressed by the dance JD and I did to "Rock Around The Clock." We did a Jive with a lot of lifts, and Josh wants to do that. I keep trying to explain to him that 1) We are doing East Coast Swing, not Jive; 2) JD has been dancing his whole life so he can do a more complicated routine, and; 3) Even if Josh was at JD's level, the rules say, "no lifts." He just won't get it into his head. He is so stuck on the whole idea of flipping me around in the air, that he can't focus. And I can't focus, because I'm still thinking about that stupid kiss - that never should have happened.

Natalie asked me last week how I was going to dance with Josh. She said she thought it would be tough because there will be so much physical contact. I told her I'd be fine when he touches my arm, or my back or my hand. I can even handle him touching my face. Problems will only start if he touches my heart...and right now I'm so terrified that will happen.