I had a dream last night about Josh. I don’t remember much, just that he was so sweet to me. I woke up missing him so badly. Our rehearsals have been agonizing. We’re not connecting at all. I feel like I’m working with a stranger. It’s so frustrating and awkward.

I think he wants to connect with me, but he’s going about it the wrong way. He has to stop living under the delusion that a few cute little stunts are going to get us back on track. I don't want phone calls from across a restaurant, secret rendezvous, kisses for a dollar, or lines like "reliving kisses over and over." I want the real Josh to show up.

I want the guy who raced home from New York when Aunt Lu was in the hospital so that I could cry on his shoulder. I want the guy who took me to the Empire State Building for the first time because I so desperately wanted to go. I want the guy who took my hand and swore he’d catch me when I fall. I want the guy who promised to be gentle the first time we kissed because he knew I was nervous. God, where is he? I see someone who looks like him. I talk to someone who sounds like him, but he is so closed up. And I am so closed up.

We’re meeting when he gets off of work so that we can rehearse some more. Tomorrow night is our first performance and I’m scared to death. I’m afraid the audience will see how awkward we are. And if we make it through this week, we have to do the Rhumba next week. I just don’t know how we’re going to pull that off. It’s all about romance and sensuality. It’s about everything that used to be Josh and me - everything that we had, but is now gone. Can we find that again? Can we muster up just enough of it to pull of the dance? I just don’t know…