Josh and I made an agreement. No talking about love, romance, feelings or anything like any of the previous topics. We made a pact. It's supposed to carry us through this competition.

See, the thing is that I know I can't handle knowing about his love life. I don't want to think about him with another girl. I don't want to imagine him looking at her the way he used to look at me. I have already seen him kiss Tanya while they were in the play and that was agony enough. I just can't deal with it.

I also know that if things were to happen between the two of us, and then suddenly go wrong, we wouldn't be able to be partners. We wouldn't be able to win.

This pact is about self-preservation. I need to go around blissfully ignorant about his love life, or I'll fall apart! I need to think that if the pact weren't there, that he would want me as much as I want him. This pact protects this competition, but more importantly, it protects my heart.

So why is everyone else making this so damn hard for me? I'm tired of hearing how stupid this pact is. I'm tried of people telling me to tell him how I feel. I can't do that. I don't trust it yet. Things aren't like they used to be. I've only seen glimpses of the Josh I loved. He's got so many walls around him that I can barely see him right now. Instead, I'm seeing a guy who tries to use his charm to get what he wants, and that's not the Josh I know.

Last night he tried to talk about the kiss. I gave him a warning look and said "what kiss?" He stood there looking angry and then dropped it. We rehearsed for awhile and then he brought it up again. I replied once again with "what kiss?" This time he just shook his head and laughed at me. He said, "The kiss that sent electricity through the room. The kiss that we've both been reliving in our minds over and over again. The kiss that left you weak in the knees and short of breath." I just stood there, a million thoughts racing through my mind, but all I could manage to say was, "what kiss?" He laughed and said, "That's good. If I didn't know better I'd probably believe you." He looked amused and I was furious, but there was no way I was going to let him know that he was getting to me.