I'm staying in Pennsylvania tonight. Lauren asked me if I wanted to go out with her tonight, and I figured it wouldn't hurt to stay in my room so that Aunt Lu has a visual reminder that it is my room. I am not giving up this room without a fight! It's my room!

Anyway, I went over to the Anderson's after work this morning to see Lauren. I talked to Mrs. Anderson for a while. She's flying over to England next week to see Josh. She said they are going to Paris while she's there. I am so jealous. It took every bit of self-control that I had not to beg her to take me with her. I just want to see Josh. I want to see those eyes of his...those eyes that no camera can do justice. Looking at a picture of him just isn't the same. I want to see him in person!

Okay, pity party over, but being at his house made me miss him more. Lauren was playing the piano when I got there and as I walked up to the door my heart actually fluttered because I'm so used to hearing Josh play. I have almost gotten through a month. I just has to remind myself that I'm 3/4 of the way there. Only 3 more months to go.

I have some things planned for the next few weekends to keep myself busy. Next weekend is our annual camping trip. Alex is driving down for it and Lindsay and Terry are driving out from State College. The weekend after that I'm going to stay with Jen in New York. Jen said that as much as she loves Sean, she needs some girl time so we're going to shop and go out to lunch. Girly stuff. :)

I just hope that I'm not completely missing Josh. The camping trip is usually his thing and being in New York without him will be weird. Ugh...3 months is feeling longer than it did 2 paragraphs ago.

I'm going to stop moping now. I am supposed to meet Henry at Starbucks to catch up with him this afternoon. I'm also going to work on convincing him to do the camping thing next weekend. Henry is very...5 star hotel...so we'll see if I persuade him to rough it!

I'm starting to feel better today. Yesterday was a stay at home and in bed kind of day. I just couldn't muster the energy to go out. I slept and watched daytime TV all day.

My mom called last night to tell me that she's selling her dance studio and the condo she moved into. She wants to move up here to be close to me and Aunt Lu. Then she asked if I'd mind if she took over my room at Aunt Lu's house. It's the second biggest room after Aunt Lu's and she thinks she's going to kick me out so that she can move in! I told her that I want to keep my room. We started arguing. I know that I only stay there a few months out of the year now, but I still want that room. It's my room. Besides, the view is the best view in the whole house and I'm not giving it up!

I have been so worked up over that conversation. I called Aunt Lu after I got off the phone with her and pleaded my case for how important that room is to me. I'm even going to stop there before I get to the dance studio tonight to reiterate that I want that room.

I sent Josh an email about it too. He replied with, "it's just a room." I can't believe he thinks it's just a room! I emailed him again and said, "I can't believe you said that." He responded later with, "It doesn't change anything between us and you don't even live there anymore. Is it worth fighting over?" I can't believe his blasé attitude! The side window in that room looks directly into his! I emailed him back and asked him if he wants to look out his window and see my mother. We'll see what he thinks about that!

Well, I should go. I have to get on the road so I can stop at Aunt Lu's house before going to work.

I woke up this morning feeling so sick. Tuesdays are my long day. Two morning classes, bio lab, and then ballet class. I couldn't stay in bed so I dragged myself out the door. I just got home a little while ago and now I'm catching up on "Dancing With The Stars." I figure that if I'm feeling sick tomorrow I'll just skip classes and stay in bed. Tomorrow would be an easier day for me to sit out.

JD asked me if I'll take a private dance lesson with him. We are both only at bronze level Fox Trot and since I always focus on the Latin dances, I think it would be good to move to the next level in the ballroom category. I have to drive to PA twice a week to help teach dance so he's agreed to drive to New Jersey to make things a little easier for me. We start out silver level classes next week.

I ran it past Josh last night so that there wouldn't be a repeat of things with Jordan last year. Josh told me that he was fine with it. He just told me not to have as much fun with JD as I had with him. I reminded him that JD would be more likely to have a romantic interest in him than me. He laughed and said, "I think JD should be your dance partners forever."

Well, I think I might run over to CVS and pick up some zinc and echinecea. Maybe I can ward off this cold before it starts.

Who was it... AT&T that said, "reach out and touch someone?" Well, I'm sorry, AT&T, but the telephone does not replace having the person you love here with you. The telephone doesn't put it's arms around me. The telephone doesn't have the most beautiful eyes that say so much more than words. The telephone isn't warm. The telephone may transmit tender loving words but there's no warm breath in my ears when I hear them.

I miss my boyfriend. I miss him so much. I miss his eyes, his arms and his smile. I'm only two weeks into these four months of torture and I can't take it. I just wish I didn't have to wait so long. I just wish there were a little relief insight.

Maybe it's the past week of no sleep. Maybe it's because my schedule got mixed up yesterday and Josh and I only got to talk for a few minutes. I just want to see him and be with him. I want to be in the same space with him and breath the same air he's breathing. My heart and my mind are thousands of miles away and I don't know what to do with myself.

I need more hobbies or something. I keep telling myself that I have to get out there and keep living. I just feel like I'm failing horribly at it. How do I un "pause" and start to "play" again? How do I get out of this funk?

I'm supposed to be out experiencing life...so why am I sitting home alone on a Friday night? Molly's out with the same guy from last weekend and Nat is at some play she had to see for her theater class.

I supposed to talk to Josh tomorrow and I'm not going to have anything interesting to tell him. I had a week of insomnia and a boring Friday night. I've got to do something to shake things up a bit.

I feel like I'm coming down after an amazing summer and I don't know what to do with myself. This past summer was so perfect in so many ways. I danced all summer and I danced with the guy that I love. What could be better? I just can't find anything that comes close.

I feel like my life is on hold right now. It's like I'm on "pause" and I don't get to "play" again until Josh returns. And I've promised myself that I wouldn't live that way. I just don't know what to do to get back into "play" mode.

I'm having another night of tossing and turning. I had a weird conversation with my father earlier. He called to say "hi." My father never calls to say hi. I just can't stop thinking about it. Something has changed. Maybe it's the divorce. Maybe he's realized what drinking has cost him. Maybe he doesn't want to lose me too. Whatever it is, he's been so much better to deal with. I almost like him.

Natalie and I are trying to figure out what to do with ourselves this weekend. It's going to be hard to top flying halfway across the country for a quick getaway. I wish we could do it again though. It was so nice to be away.

I keep dreaming about being in South Dakota. I see the Black Hills and Mt. Rushmore. That trip across country was a big thing for me, and South Dakota is where I realized I would be okay regardless of my relationship (or lack there of) with Josh. I think I'm dreaming about it as a reminder that I am going to be able to get to December without going crazy.

Now don't get me wrong. I am anxiously awaiting the Christmas music, the cold December air and the snow...anything that symbolizes the return of my love, but I don't want to spend these months pining and wasting my life away. I have to keep living and experiencing so that I'm not some boring and desperate girl for Josh to return to. He's across the ocean experiencing life and I need to do that too. I want to have stories to share when he gets back.

Now if I could only get some sleep so that I'd have enough energy to get out there and do things. I should try again. Tomorrow's Friday but it's still and early morning...

Have you ever been so tired that you can't sleep? That's how I feel right now. I think the weekend adventure may have been too much. I'm so exhausted. I got home from ballet class (tonight was the first night) and I went to bed but I just couldn't fall asleep. I tossed and turned.

I figured I'd use this time to blog since I haven't posted as much the past few days... but what to talk about? I'm sure everyone who reads this blog can figure out that I miss my boyfriend so I won't go into that tonight. How about Salt Lake City...

If you go there you have to swim in the lake. I don't care what people say. It was really cool. Just be aware that it's VERY salty and you'll have a salty, white residue left of you afterwards. It was kind of gross but there are showers there and it's kind of a once in a lifetime thing for people who don't live anywhere near Salt Lake City.

I like being out west. It reminded me of last May when I drove back to PA from Seattle. There is something about being out west that makes me feel free. It's so wide open and the possibilities seem endless. Plus, when I go out west I always feel like I've left my feelings behind. It's good to get away from your problems every once in a while.

Well, I think I'll try the sleep thing again. I have class early tomorrow.

I haven’t been a slacker blogger, I swear. I actually took an unexpected, spur of the moment trip with Natalie this past weekend to Salt Lake City, Utah. I was worried about my first weekend without Josh and she was just plain bored. Her mother sent her father’s company jet to pick us up and take us to Salt Lake City where her mother was spending a couple of weeks.

Nat’s family used to invite me places on the company jet all the time when we were growing up but I was never allowed to go because my mother didn’t like the idea of me flying in a small plane. I just neglected to tell my mom about this trip…which caused some problems, but more on that later.

We left for Salt Lake City Friday afternoon and arrived there at dinner time their time. Nat’s mom picked us up and took us to dinner in the city. The next day I convinced them to drive me to Ogden because I love “Everwood” and that’s where it was filmed. I was such a dork. I kept asking people in the town about the TV show.

After that Nat’s mom took us to Antelope Island so we could see the Great Salt Lake. It was really cool. I went swimming. Nat and her mother thought I was crazy, but who knows when I’ll ever get back to Salt Lake City! I had to seize the moment.

While I was off having my adventure I didn’t realize that my mom was trying to get a hold of me. In my mad rush to get to the plane I left my cell phone in New Jersey. Oops…

Mom and Josh were calling all weekend and I didn’t know it. Molly called me Sunday morning and told me that my mom had called the house looking for me and wasn’t real happy that I was in Utah. I heard about that all Sunday night when I finally talked to her.

I didn’t get to call Josh until today because of the time difference. He said he had been worried about me but he liked hearing about my adventure out west.

There really is nothing like a change of scenery to get your mind off your troubles. It was so much fun being adventurous and not sitting around missing Josh or trying to figure out what to do with myself. I’ve always felt bad about Natalie’s family paying for me to go on trips with them, but this weekend I was just grateful for the opportunity to have fun.

(So if you’re reading this Nat, THANK YOU!!!!)

Last December the girls took me to see a psychic. I wrote all about it.

I was just reading over it and I was shocked at how on target she was! She said that someone I love would leave the country for a while!!! She also said that geography would play a role in keeping me from my soul mate. How accurate is that? Weird.

I'm tired again today. I had another night of restless sleep. I do okay with the missing Josh stuff during the day but at night it kills me. I just lye there thinking about him. I know it could be worse. I could be completely without him. We could be broken up. Or he could be someplace dangerous. I'm just afraid that I'm going to be on edge until the day his plane lands in Newark and he's home again.

I admit that I've checked out flights to London for Thanksgiving. I found a few for less than $500. Not bad but I know I can't go. It's a long flight for just a few days and I've already committed to going to Florida for Thanksgiving. I guess I'll just have to figure out a way to get to December without completely losing it!

Today has been tough. I've been missing Josh really badly today. I think it's because I haven't talked to him since Monday night. I understand the time difference and I understand that it's expensive to call all the time, but I hate not hearing his voice. I hate feeling disconnected.

I woke up in the middle of the night feeling startled but I don't know why. I was thinking about James and how one minute he was here, fine, getting ready for a future, and now he's gone. He died several years ago so I don't know why it hit me so hard last night. I just kept thinking that one minute someone is here and the next minute that person could be gone. Why is this bothering me now?

Maybe it's because I talked to Lindsay last night and she told me about a new guy she started dating at Penn State. She really likes him and she mentioned that she feels a little guilty because a part of her feels like she is betraying James. For the first time I really got what she means. I realized that if something ever happened to Josh I would have a horrible time moving on. I can't even imagine it, but I want it for Lindsay. It's been too long that she's been alone. She deserves some happiness.

Tuesdays are my long day. I have two classes in the morning and then my Bio lab in the afternoon. I think not sleeping real well last night and the rain have also made this a particularly long day.

Nat and I decided to test out the kitchen last night. We made a chicken and broccoli stir fry that went well. Then we decided to bake cookies. Not so well... I guess we have to get used to the oven because the cookies were more like bricks than cookies. Natalie was so upset that she threw one into the living room and almost hit Molly in the head! That could have been bad.

Josh called last night. It was really late in England so we only spoke for a few minutes. He told me that he put "This I Swear" on the playlist because the bartender at Angelo's told him that I would sneak in to hear him sing it. I guess I'm not as sneaky as I thought.

Josh said the time difference is still rough but his roommate is nice and his piano teacher seems really talented so that's good. He said he's getting used to the food. He said the portions are smaller and they don't seem to use as many spices and salt. It was good hearing his voice but it makes me miss him. I long for him so badly and December feels so far away. I also got the feeling that it would be a few days before we would talk again. It's hard with the time difference and the long distance. At least we have email.

Well, I have major studying to do tonight and Nat wants to give the cooking dinner at home thing a try so I could sign off for now.

I was walking to class this morning and scrolling through my playlists on my iPod when I discovered one called "Josh and Nicole Summer Soundtrack." He was on my computer last Friday and I thought he was looking for songs on iTunes but he must have created the playlist for me. The songs are:

1) Morse Code of Love - The Capris (our East Coast Swing)
2) I Could Fall In Love - Selena (our Rhumba)
3) Take My Breath Away - Berlin (another Rhumba)
4) Dance With Me - Debelah Morgan (our Cha Cha)
5) A Time For Us - Andy Williams (our group Waltz)
6) Hungry Eyes - Eric Carmen (our Mambo)
7) Feeling Good - Michael Buble (our Fox Trot)
8) El Tango de Roxanne - Moulin Rouge Soundtrack (our Tango)
9) Put Your Head On My Shoulder - Michael Buble (Josh's song to me)
10) It Had Better Be Tonight - Michael Buble (our Samba)
11) Love Is A Contact Sport - Whitney Houston (our Quickstep)
12) Niagara Falls - Sara Evans (my song to Josh)
13) Can't Fight The Moonlight - Leann Rimes (our 2nd Cha Cha)
14) Zoot Suit Riot - Cherry Poppin' Daddies (our Jive)
15) Do You Love Me - The Hollies
16) The Boy From New York City - The Ad Libs (my doo-wop song)
17) This I Swear - The Skyliners (my favorite doo-wop song)
18) I'll Be Home For Christmas - Josh Anderson, piano and vocals

I guess that last song was his special dedication to me. I'm just wondering how he recorded it and got it on my iPod without me knowing! I was shocked to hear his voice singing it when the song came on. And he sounds so good. I just want to listen to it over and over.

I also wonder why he choose "This I Swear." How did he know that out of all the doo-wop songs they sang, that "This I Swear" was the one that I loved the most? I'm sure he would have said something if he had caught me sneaking in the back to hear him sing. So how did he know that's the song that meant the most to me?

I guess I'll have to wait until the next time we talk. I don't know how much phone time we'll get in since he's over seas. He also doesn't have an international cellphone so won't be easy getting a hold of him. At least I can listen to "I'll Be Home For Christmas" when I want to hear his voice.

Yesterday sucked. I just couldn't get over Josh being gone despite Molly, Natalie and Amanda's efforts to make me forget. We went out for a little while and then I asked them to take me home. I just wasn't in the mood to be out trying to have fun.

We went back to the house and I was going crazy. I kept telling Natalie that I was upset that I looked so horrible when Josh left that morning. Finally she said, "Get up. I'm driving you to the airport so that you can say good-bye to him." I hesitated for a minute and then I grabbed my makeup bag (wanted to make sure I looked good this time) and we were running out the door. As we were getting in the car we saw Jason and the next thing I knew he was going with us.

I was afraid we'd miss Josh, that he'd get through security before we got there, but I didn't want to call him because I was afraid he'd tell me to go home. We got to the airport and raced to the security line. Josh was in the middle of it when we got there and I suddenly felt bad about pulling him out of line. I was ready to turn and walk away but he spotted us and got out of line.

I was ready to apologize for showing up there but he just pulled me into his arms and kissed me. When he pulled away he smiled and said, "I'm glad you didn't listen to me." I told him that I just had to say good-bye one more time because I didn't want his last image of me to be crying with red, puffy eyes and day old makeup running down my face. He just smiled at me and said, "I have never once thought that you looked bad. Even with makeup running down your face, you are the most beautiful person I've ever seen." We talked for a few minutes and even though I was sad, I felt a lot better after talking to him again. He told me that he expects to find me waiting for him under the mistletoe when he returns in December. I promised I'd be there.

Afterwards Natalie, Jason and I went out to dinner and they just kept talking to me non-stop. I'm sure they wanted to keep me from falling apart again.

Today the girls took me out for another get-your-mind-off-of-Josh day. We went to King of Prussia for shopping and as I was walking around the mall I got a call from an unknown number. It was Josh! He wanted to let me know he got there okay. He said he wasn't feeling that great because he didn't sleep on the plane and the jet lag was getting to him. He told me that he misses me. I was just so happy to hear from him. I didn't expect him to call so soon. Hearing his voice made me feel so much better. I just can't wait until he's home again and we're standing together under the mistletoe...

Josh just left about and hour ago and I'm going crazy. I just hate that he didn't want me to go to the airport. I don't know how I'm going to make it through the next four months. I just don't know... It's also killing me that his flight doesn't leave until 6:30 but he has so much to do that we can't spend more time together. Letting him go was so hard.

I'm just glad that last night was good. We went to dinner with our friends. Jennifer and Keith even came down from New York and even though I was sad I managed to have a good time. After dinner Josh and I went out by ourselves. We were walking through town and I was on the brink of tears. He said, "I wish you could be more happy." I told him that I wished he could be more sad.

He told me that he is sad but there isn't anything that we can do about it so we should be be happy for all that we do have. He said that he had the most amazing summer and now he has the "most beautiful, funny, smart, and kind" (I liked that part) girl in his life. He said, "Being on the moon wouldn't change the way I feel about you, so why should being in England?" He told me that his heart is where I am. I told him that my heart is where he is. Then he said, "So we'll promise to take good care of each other's hearts." I agreed and promised that I'd let myself enjoy our last evening together.

This morning, on the other hand, was so hard. I couldn't stop crying. I walked him out to his car and it was agonizing. I didn't want him to leave. I was holding on to him and not wanting to let go. Finally he asked me to go inside the house because he couldn't pull away if I was still standing outside. I went inside and saw my reflection in the mirror and almost died. I looked horrendous. My eyes were red and puffy. I can't believe that is the last look he got at me. Then I cried for about and hour and then got up to write this blog. I would really like to crawl back into bed and cry some more but Molly, Natalie and Amanda had planned a shopping excursion, no doubt to take my mind off of Josh. They just don't understand that nothing will take my mind off of him. It's going to be a long four months.

Yesterday I went to class and then drove back to Pennsylvania to see Josh. I went to dinner with his family and then he came with me to the dance studio. I'm helping JD teach Latin dances on Thursday nights this fall. Afterwards he went home and I was really disappointed because I wanted him to go back to New Jersey with me. I know he has a lot to do to get packed and ready but he's leaving tomorrow and I wanted to see him as much as possible.

By the time I got home I was a wreck. I walked into the house and just started crying, which was so embarrassing because Jason was over hanging out with Nat and Molly. I just couldn't hold it together any more. I've spent the week on the line between okay and falling apart and I finally crossed it.

Josh is going away for FOUR MONTHS. Four, long, lonely months. I can't stand it. I start crying every time I think about it. I wish I could get a grip.

Anyway, Josh noticed that I was upset when I left Pennsylvania and he ended up showing up at the house about 20 minutes after I got there. We talked for a long time about him leaving and I actually told him that I didn't want him to go. I didn't want to do that to him because I know that this is hard for him too but the words just came out. He asked if I remembered that he went up to New York a few weeks ago and then told me that he tried to stay. He was told that it would set him back a semester because he couldn't get the classes he needed and he'd lose the tuition money his parents paid to the school in England. He didn't want to tell me because he thought I'd feel worse, but I actually felt a little better. At least he wants to be here with me.

Still, this is all so hard. We're going out with friends tonight and then the two of us are going to spend some time together. It's going to be so hard. I don't want to share him with everyone else, and I don't want to let him go. I finally got him back. Haven't I spent enough time missing him and crying for him? Shouldn't I finally get my happy ending? I just can't believe I'm going to have to wait until December! AAAUUUUURRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!

Oh, and the other thing is that he won't let me go to the airport with him. He said it will be too hard and that he wants to say our good-byes in private. We argued about that for a while last night because I want to be with him up until the minute he goes through security. I want to spend every second with him that I can and I can't believe he doesn't want the same thing. But he wants to go by himself.

Okay, I can't write anymore because I'm just working myself up. I have to take a shower and get ready to go out tonight. I need good vibes. Happy vibes....

We just got back from Molly's shore house. Josh just left to get the oil changed in my car...I kind of forgot about it and it's kind of a few thousand miles past when it was supposed to be changed. He told me to relax and he would take care of it since it's my birthday and all.

This morning we got up early and the two of us went out to breakfast. I'm feeling sad about summer ending and him leaving. I guess I was wearing it all over my face because he told me I should be happy on my birthday. I almost burst into tears. It's my birthday and I'll cry if I want to!

We had another conversation about him leaving. He thinks the next few days will be the hardest but after he's gone I'll be fine. His theory is that the dread part of it is the worst. Once he's gone I'll just be used to him being gone. It's just so much easier for him because he'll be some place new. He'll be doing something different and I'll be stuck here missing him. It's so unfair. We are finally together and he has to leave. :(

He told me that I have to be happy on my birthday so I'm trying. I have to go to campus this afternoon to buy my books but the rest of the day is mine. Aunt Lu and my mom are driving out to have dinner with me tonight. Josh is coming along too. I am spending every second with him that I can until he leaves on Saturday. And it's my birthday so I told my mom that I get to choose which guests come to my dinner. She didn't say anything.

That's all for now. I need to unpack more of my things and Josh will be back soon.

I'm just relaxing at Molly's. It's just me, Josh, Molly, Natalie, Amanda and Jason left now. Everyone else left to head back to school today. I'm lucky that I have one more day off before school starts again. And it's my birthday tomorrow so I'm especially glad not to be starting classes. :)

Josh and Jason went out to pick up pizza. Amanda and Molly are working on a puzzle and Nat's outside on the phone with Arie. I figured it was a good time to blog.

It's been a fun weekend. Last night was my birthday dinner. Henry drove down to celebrate with us. It meant a lot to me especially since I know that Josh and I made him slightly crazy this summer.

On Saturday night Josh and I went out alone. He took me to a little seafood restaurant on the water. It reminded me of the kind of restaurants that I used to go to in Florida. A woman came up to us while we were waiting for our table and told us we were a cute couple.

That night we went for a walk on the beach. I was looking out at the ocean and Josh said "you're quiet." I told him that I was thinking about him being on the other side of the ocean. He asked me if I was ready to talk about him leaving. I told him I wasn't ready.

We went back to the house to hang out with our friends but no one was there. We went up to the roof deck, and I sat down in the same spot I had sat two weeks earlier. I was thinking the same thing, "is this the end?" Josh sat down next to me and told me that we need to talk about England. I told him my fears: that we wouldn't be able to pick things back up when he returns. He told me that where he is won't change how he feels. I have to give him credit, he was saying all the right things and really trying to assuage my fears, but I still feel uneasy about him leaving. When he says that we're going to be together in December, I believe he believes that now. But what if something happens along the way? What if his feelings change? And how am I going to get to December without going crazy?

Guys are back with pizza. Will post more tomorrow.