Today has been tough. I've been missing Josh really badly today. I think it's because I haven't talked to him since Monday night. I understand the time difference and I understand that it's expensive to call all the time, but I hate not hearing his voice. I hate feeling disconnected.

I woke up in the middle of the night feeling startled but I don't know why. I was thinking about James and how one minute he was here, fine, getting ready for a future, and now he's gone. He died several years ago so I don't know why it hit me so hard last night. I just kept thinking that one minute someone is here and the next minute that person could be gone. Why is this bothering me now?

Maybe it's because I talked to Lindsay last night and she told me about a new guy she started dating at Penn State. She really likes him and she mentioned that she feels a little guilty because a part of her feels like she is betraying James. For the first time I really got what she means. I realized that if something ever happened to Josh I would have a horrible time moving on. I can't even imagine it, but I want it for Lindsay. It's been too long that she's been alone. She deserves some happiness.