I'm going crazy. I don't know what to do. Now that I know Alex and Becky are history, do I tell Molly? Is Alex still in love with her? AUGGGHHHHH! So many questions.

And then there's the Josh questions... Lauren told me this morning that Nancy keeps calling the house for Josh. Grrr... Why is there always some girl waiting on the sidelines to pounce on Josh the minute I finally feel like we're making a connection? Jennifer, Wendy, Nancy. It never ends. Why, oh why, can't I just have some time alone with him to find out if we stand a chance?

I'm counting down the seconds to tonight. I can't wait to see him, to look in his eyes and see what's there. And at midnight if I'm not in his arms then I'll know that it's time to move on. If he doesn't want to kiss me only one week from the most magical kiss of my life, then I'll know that we're not meant to be.

There it's in writing, so if I'm still pining for the guy next week and there was no kiss tonight then we'll all know I'm a big hypocrite.

But if there is a kiss tonight...well, then I'm holding on to him with both hands and any girl that tries to get in my way will be very sorry.

Grr...my computer crashed and I lost my whole post. So here it goes again...

This morning I got up early and went outside to meet Lauren to go pick up Molly's cat. Josh was outside packing up his car to head back to the Poconos. He asked me if I am going to Alex's party tomorrow night. I told him yes and he said, "I think I'll come home for that." Yippie! That means I'll see him tomorrow. I just hope I can be the one to kiss him at midnight!

Lauren and I picked out a cute white female kitten with black and gray patches on her fur. She's adorable. I almost wanted to keep her for myself, but the look on Molly's face when we gave her the kitten was priceless. She was so happy and it reminded me what this season is all about...faith, love and giving.

Lauren and I spent the rest of the day like couch potatoes. Apparently she had ten episodes of "Roswell" saved on the TiVo and Josh was threatening to delete them. We spent the whole afternoon watching the show. I didn't watch when it originally aired but I love it now! Liz and Max remind me of me and Josh...Okay, so I have a one track mind...

After dinner Alex stopped by to see him. He and Beck have been fighting since we ran into them the other night. Becky thinks that Alex is still in love with Molly and broke things off with him today. The poor guy...he looked so depressed that I didn't have the heart to ask him if it's true...if he is still hung up on Molly.

I'm so hung up on Josh. It drives me nuts. It's like today when I was watching TV, I could see us in the characters. It's like I'm obsessed!

What did Josh mean when he said, "I think I'll come home for that?" Was it some sort of message? Did he mean, "I have to kiss you at midnight because you're in my blood and I need you to stay alive?" Or was it just something to say?

Does he even go through half of what I go through? Does he feel like he's holding his breath until he sees me? Does he feel like every second of every day is meant to be preparation for our next meeting? That the only thing that's important is those few moments - so precious and few - that we're together?

Does he think about me non-stop like I think about him? Is he as tortured when we're not together as I am? Does he think about our kiss and relive it in his mind everytime he's alone? Does he lie awake at night wondering what's going to happen between us?

Or is it just me? Am I alone in this? Am I facing unrequited love and inevitable heartache and misery?

Last night Molly and I ran into Alex and Becky last night. Becky was showing us the necklace that Alex bought her for Christmas. Poor Molly looked like she was going to cry. She was so upset the rest of the night.

I saw Lauren this morning who told me that her friend's cat had kittens a few weeks ago and they are trying to give the kittens away. We set up a time for me to go over there tomorrow morning and pick up a new kitten for Molly. Her cat died a few months ago and I asked her mom if it would be okay for me to get Molly a kitten. So tomorrow Molly gets a new pet. I hope it will cheer her up a little.

I'm working for Mrs. Anderson today, but it's slow so I decided to sign in. Josh called a little while ago for his mom. Apparently Keith broke his leg last night so Josh drove him home to Baltimore in Keith's car and now Josh is on a train back to Philadelphia. He needed his mom to go pick him up downtown. I felt bad for him. He's missing his trip to the Poconos and he sounded absolutely exhausted.

It's been a busy past few days and also an amazing past few days.

Friday night - Christmas Eve - was the party at the Anderson's house. The place looked amazing. Mrs. Anderson had the entire house decorated for Christmas. The party was fun. There were a lot of people there and the house was crowded.

When I got there Josh, Molly and I exchanged presents. Molly got me the Ryan Cabrera CD that I've been wanting and a necklace. Josh got me a cashmere scarf and gloves. He said he wanted to make sure I'd stay warm this winter since I'm not used to the cold.

Josh played the piano and everyone sang Christmas carols. And there was so much food there, I thought I was going to stuff myself.

Later in the evening, Aunt Lu and my parents decided to go home. I told them I wanted to say good-bye to Josh first so I went to find him. I told him I was leaving and somehow we got sidetracked and started talking about his trip to the Pocono's (he's there now for the week). Well, his aunt walked by and informed us that we were standing under the mistletoe - which we didn't even notice.

Josh smiled at me and said, "We really shouldn't break tradition," and of course I agreed with him. So he moved closer to me and put his hands on my waist and asked me if I was nervous. I said I was a little nervous and he said, "I promise to be gentle." !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So cute!

So he touched my face and the next thing I knew he was kissing me - finally kissing me. And it wasn't just a friendly peck. It was a real kiss. The most amazing kiss. A kiss that makes my heart soar every time I think about it.

For the first time in my life I really know what they mean when they say "weak in the knees" and "take my breath away" because I felt both. When the kiss was over his mother was calling him so he told me not to leave yet and walked off. I swear I had to grab the wall to keep me standing because my knees were so weak.

Lauren came in and asked me if I was okay. I composed myself pretty well and she told me she wanted to show me a present that she got for her mom.

Later I went back to find Josh and he was taking down the mistletoe. I asked him why and he told me that Denise (some girl I've never even heard of) cornered him under it. I was kind of mad and was like, "you kissed another girl?"

He looked at me and said the sweetest thing I've ever heard. He said, "Nicole, the kiss with her was nothing but lips. But the kiss with you was the kiss that will keep me warm all winter long." He then walked me home and kissed me again at the front door. It was amazing!

***********************************

Christmas Day was great. My dad was on good behavior and everyone seemed happy. Josh stopped over around lunch time and told me that he had another present for me. He said he had chickened out of giving it to me the night before but he really wanted me to have it. I opened it and it was the sterling silver bracelet that I had wanted!!!!!!!!!!

I asked him how he knew about it and he said he had seen me admiring it at Bon Ton's. He asked the saleswoman and she told him that I was always looking at it. It was so sweet. I gave him a big hug and it somehow turned into another kiss!

That was the last time I saw him. On the 26th, he left for the Pocono's with Kelly, Jason and a bunch of his college friends. I'm missing him like crazy. I want to know what's going to happen next, where we go from here, and if he's really as crazy for me as I am for him.

All in all, Christmas was great. I got everything on my list. I also got a cell phone. My mom wants to be able to get a hold of me whenever she wants.

I'm heading down to the mall with Molly this afternoon. We want to use some of our gift cards!

Today is looking good so far. I got to study hall and logged on to my email. One from Josh...he wants me to go out for ice cream tonight. :)

My mom called last night and said that she and my father would be here for Christmas. I told her she could leave him at home but she just ignored me. So they are coming now. I'm glad I'll see my mom but I'm kind of mad that it had to be a big production.

Everyone here at school is in a happy mood. We're all stir crazy though. We want to get out of here and start the fun.

More later.

N.

One more day to go and I am free!!!!!!!!!!! Yippie!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Christmas time is here!

Well, Saturday was great but Saturday night was an almost-disaster. After I finished blogging, I got on the phone with my mom who informed me that my dad wants to go to Tennessee for Christmas instead of coming up here to see their ownly daughter. He'd rather go see my grandparents.

I was furious and went to Jen's house in a huff. When I got there I saw Nancy throwing herself all over Josh - as usual. Grrr... This made matters worse. I decided to go outside for some fresh air - not even thinking how cold it was.

The next part is why it was an "almost-disaster" and not a complete disaster. Josh walked out with my coat and asked me why I was standing outside. I explained it all to him. First he suggested I go to Tennessee but then told me how great a Pennsylvania Christmas would be even without my parents. He told me about the big church party that they have on Sunday night (Aunt Lu and I went the next night). He said that Aunt Lu always goes to his family's Christmas Eve party and that there is no way I'd get a white Christmas if I went south. He also said that everyone on the block goes to Molly's family's boxing day party. I actually started to not care so much about what my parents are doing.

I was feeling better about staying here until Monday morning hit. Okay, let me state for the record that 50 degrees is tough on this Florida bred body, but 20 degrees!!!! You have got to be kidding me! It's like someone is playing a cruel joke on me. I am counting the seconds until a warm front moves in.

Spring...hello? Can you hear me? Get here soon!!!!!

I swear. I will go to Punxsutawney and pull that ground hog out of the ground myself so that spring can get here faster. And now that I live in Pennsylvania that should be easier to do! :)

The only problem is my driver's license. I'm a pretty good driver at this point. I just don't want to get my license. I know it's ridiculous and Molly and Alex are totally on to me, but I'm afraid that once I get the license I'll no longer have an excuse for Josh to take me out for a ride. How lame is that? I can't help it though. I feel so safe when I'm with him...

Seriously, Santa, if you can hear me...bring me Josh for Christmas. I just need him under my tree with a big red bow. That's all I want. Pretty please?

This morning I got up and got on the computer. I signed on to AIM and within seconds Josh IMed me! He asked me what I was doing today. I told him I was going to walk over to Bon Ton's to get some Christmas presents. Next thing I knew we were going Christmas shopping together!

We had so much fun. We went to Bon Tons and the Hallmark Store. Then we headed over to the mall. It was a mad house over there. It took us a half hour to find a parking spot. I didn't care though...there are worse things than being stuck alone in a car with a guy that you adore! :)

Tonight is Jen's holiday party. I bought a red sweater a few weeks ago that I am going to debut tonight. I think Josh will like it.

Well, Aunt Lu just informed me that my mom is on the phone so that's all for now... update on the party coming soon!

Ta ta!

I can't wait. It's only one week away and then Christmas break will be here. I really need this break. I want some time off really badly.

Saturday night is the Christmas party at Jennifer's. I'm looking forward to it. I'm ready to forget school for a little while and enjoy the holidays. I'm feeling festive, and I'm hoping to get Josh under the mistletoe this weekend! (Keep your fingers crossed!)

On Sunday I'm baking cookies with Lauren. She begged me to help her make gingerbread men. I can't wait.

That's all for now!

Love, Me.

Wow, it snowed this morning! I wasn't expecting that at all but there were flurries coming down. I am keeping my fingers crossed for a white Christmas. I've never had one before and I really want my first Christmas in Pennsylvania to be white.

Things are been uneventful. No one is thinking about school. Everyone is thinking about Christmas break. I can't wait to have a week off. It will be so wonderful to not have anything that I have to do! In the interim, it seems that we are all just trying to pass time until December 23rd rolls around.

This weekend is Jennifer's holiday party. She actually invited Molly which I think is quite amazing considering that just last year they hated each other. Josh will also be going so I'll get to see him. I'll also get to see him tomorrow night. We're going out for a ride so I can get some driving practice in! :)

Caroling didn't happen Friday night. The weather wasn't good. But Josh did hang out with us at Molly's house. He even invited me back to his house.

As we were leaving Nancy cornered him outside - in the rain! - while he was sick! Grrr... Lauren and I went inside her house and she asked me if there was something going on between me and Josh. I told her I think he's a great guy and she smiled and said we'd make a cute couple! I told her not to jump the gun, but I was happy that she'd be supportive of a Nicole-Josh pairing!

When Josh came in he looked kind of annoyed about having to stand out in the rain - I was glad about that! Down with Nancy!!! LOL

The three of us were talking for a long time. Lauren left the room at some point and neither Josh nor I noticed. I kind of felt bad about it but we were so engrossed in our conversation that we didn't notice her leave.

He invited me to go to New York with him the next day but I couldn't. I had promised to babysit Brett. I'm not sure Aunt Lu would have let me anyway...but I was happy to get an invite!!!!

Jennifer did her choir project today in class. She sang the Kelly Clarkson song, "Anytime." I knew Jennifer had a good voice but she blew everyone away. She was absolutely incredible. I think everyone was in awe. Brian, this guy that she thinks is adorable, went up to her after class and told her how good she was. I was really happy for her.

I can't get the song out of my head now. I have that CD but I never really listened to the song. There was just one line in it that struck me: "And I can’t help but want you more than I want to..." That line is so my life...

We're supposed to go caroling tonight, but the weather isn't cooperating. We're all meeting and Molly's at seven. We still don't know if Josh is coming. He's still not feeling that great. He told Molly he would give her a call later. I really hope he comes. I've barely seen him since we got back from Florida and it's driving me crazy!!!!

Alex and Becky are coming over to Molly's house tonight. That should be interesting! Molly is going to have Paul there so that she can continue to try to make Alex jealous. Poor Paul, he seems like a nice guy.

Molly had it out with the vice-principal today. She's really upset that she can't decorate the student council office for Christmas. I was really impressed with her. She comes off as a flake sometimes but she's really very smart. She was going off about how political correctness is destroying this country. She said that only unhappy people try to take the joy of the season away from others. It didn't change the VP's mind - he's a cantankerous old scrooge - but it was a good argument.

I'm sorry I haven't posted in a few days. Things are always busy this time of year. The only reason I have time to post now is because our teacher is out sick so we got study hall this period.

Tonight is the choir's holiday concert. Notice I said "holiday" and not "Christmas." God forbid you actually celebrate Christmas these days. Molly and I wanted to put a small Christmas tree in the student council office but we were told we weren't allowed because it might offend someone. We were told we could decorate with a "winter theme" but nothing holiday specific. Molly was so annoyed that she decided that she didn't want to decorate at all.

Alex and I are still living up our "fifteen minutes" after the talent show on Friday night. We stole the show! There were a few mistakes but we covered them well and no one noticed. After the show we went out for ice cream and Molly rubbed her new man in Alex's face. We never went out on Sunday though...Josh got sick so we called the whole thing off.

Molly is organizing a Christmas Caroling group this weekend though and she's demanding that Josh be there. I'm hoping that he feels better so he can come. He called his mom at work yesterday and I answered the phone. I hardly recognized him. His voice was completely gone and he sounded miserable. Poor guy... :(

My mom keeps bothering me for a Christmas Wish List. I've been thinking about what I want for the holidays and this is what I've come up with to give her:

1) Speakers for my MP3 player

2) The first season DVD of Everwood

3) Jessica Simpson Reality Tour Live DVD

4) Rollerblades (my old ones are falling apart!)

5) Cashmere sweater

6) A sterling silver bracelet that I've been eyeing for the past few months. No one knows that I want it though so I probably won't get it. :(

7) Josh - he would look so cute sitting under my Christmas Tree!

Tonight is the talent show. I'm so excited. I can't believe how much I'm looking forward to dancing for everyone tonight. I asked Josh yesterday if he would be there and he said "of course!" He said there was no way he would miss it after watching our rehearsals.

I'm already in a dancing mood. I've been listening to Usher's "Yeah" all afternoon. I like it because it reminds me of when Josh and I danced to it at the Homecoming Dance.

The more I think about Sunday, the more glad I am that Molly insisted that Josh and I go on her date. It means that I'll get to spend more time with him. And now that I know he thinks our first kiss should be special, all I have to do is wait for that perfect moment.

Today was the first day that I've seen Josh since we got back from Florida. He came into his mother's office with a big box of copy paper that she had asked him to pick up. He sat down next to my desk to talk when Molly walked in. (I'm still annoyed with her for visiting me at work!) She tells us that she has a date with some guy named Paul, and that she doesn't want to go out alone with him and asks if Josh and I will go with her. So Josh asks her why she's going on a date with him if she doesn't want to be alone with him, and she tells us she's just trying to make Alex jealous!

Good Golly, Miss Molly!

How will Alex even know? That's the thing. She wants me to mention it to him tomorrow at the talent show. (Yep, tomorrow is the big Cha Cha number!)

Josh laughed at her and told her that she should just talk to Alex instead of playing games with him, but she managed to talk us into chaperoning her little date. The four of us are going out Sunday night.

Now don't get me wrong, I can't wait to see Josh on Sunday, I just wish we weren't going out to make Molly feel safe with her date. And the poor guy - he probably has no idea that he is a pawn in Molly's game to get Alex.

Last night I got a phone call. "It's a boy," my mother told me as she handed me the phone. But it wasn't just any boy... it was the boy. It was Josh. And he wanted to meet up with me today. He said he wanted to see where I grew up.

So this morning I got up at the crack of dawn and hit the stores with my mom for some Christmas shopping. We were back by 11:00 and Josh was here by noon. I gave him a tour of the house and then he, Lindsay and I went to Natalie's house. We hopped on her boat and took a ride through Venice and stopped at Pelican Alley for lunch.

After lunch we all went to Siesta Key. Lindsay and Natalie went for a walk. I think they just wanted to give Josh and I some time alone - which I appreciated.

He told me that he was surprised by how different my life was here. He thought it would be more like Pennsylvania. I wasn't sure what he meant except I don't think he realized how much money my dad has. I think our house surprised him.

We decided to go swimming even though it was kind of on the chilly side. We were walking to the water and Josh said something like, "You look so cute in that bikini it makes me want to pretend to by your boyfriend again." I batted my eyes at him and said, "Me? Cute?" He laughed and was like, "The Pennsylvania Nicole may not know she's cute, but the Florida Nicole knows she's smokin'!"

We were flirting in the water and then he brought up the kissing incident. He said he caught the "first kiss" part of my comment the other day. He said that I was right and that he thought our first kiss should be special!!!!! OH MY GOD! I thought I was going to pass out. Really. Hyperventalating!

Lindsay and Natalie were swimming out so I couldn't really respond. The rest of the day was amazing. I am so crazy for this guy - and now I know he feels it too!!!!!!!!! Yippie!

Last night was amazing!

The party started around 5:00. Josh and Lauren were among the first there so I gave them a quick tour of Nat's house. They couldn't believe how big it was! We then went outside and sat on the beach and watched the sunset. It was great, but it would have been better if Lindsay and Lauren weren't with us...me and Josh alone, now that would have been perfect.

After sunset we went over to the pool where the other guests were gathering. This guy that used to have a huge crush on me was there - his name is Todd. I groaned to Josh that this guy used to follow me around and bother me, so when Todd came over Josh told him that he was my "boyfriend from Pennsylvania!" I couldn't believe it! I knew he was just trying to help me out, but I was still shocked! :)

We played pool volleyball for a while and then we ate dinner. One of the guys had his guitar and then I kind of lost Josh's attention for awhile. They started talking music. It gave me a chance to hang out with Natalie. She told me that she thinks Josh likes me.

Lauren was busy picking up guys! I couldn't believe it! I'm surprised Josh wasn't keeping a closer eye on her.

Later, Josh walked up behind me and put his arms around me. He was like: "Do you think Todd is convinced that we're together?" Before I could answer Todd walked over to us. He started telling Josh how lucky he was. He said that he had been trying to get a date with me since the 7th grade. (By the way, Todd's a nice guy. I just never liked him that way!) Then he goes on to say that he wishes that he had dated me because he imagined that I would be a good kisser. At the point I was pretty embarrassed. Then he asked Josh if I was a good kisser! Twice as embarrassed. Josh even looked a little embarrassed too! Todd started to get suspicious and was like, "You have kissed her right? You're really her boyfriend?" Josh assured him that he was my boyfriend but Todd wasn't convinced and he was like, "Kiss her." So Josh leans in to kiss me - but I pushed him away and told them it was stupid...it wasn't mean and Josh didn't take it that way. I wasn't really mad at him, I just didn't want to our first kiss to be like that.

I walked off and was so completely embarrassed. Josh came over to me and apologized. This is where it gets even more embarrassing, because I said, "I just don't want our first kiss to be because you're trying to prove something to someone else." I was hoping that he missed the "first" part, and he just nodded so I think he did.

The rest of the night was great though. Things kind of went back to normal after that, but Josh was flirting with me a little more than usual. I hope Natalie's right. I just hope I didn't scare him off!

This morning I got up early to watch the Macy's parade. We're getting ready to head over to the beach now. Fun! Fun!

Natalie played hooky from school today so that she could go out to St. Armand's Circle with Lindsay and I. We walked in and out of the shops and had lunch. It was pretty uneventful until we decided we needed some ice cream. We went into Scoopdaddy's and started looking at all of their toys. We got side tracked by the "I Love Lucy" magnets. Lindsay wanted to get one for Aunt Lu because she sometimes goes by Lucy. Anyway, after about fifteen minutes we finally got around to getting our ice cream. We ordered and as we were headed towards the door, the Anderson family walked in! Josh included!

Can you believe it? It was like fate. Of all of the ice cream shops in Sarasota - in St. Armand's alone - they walked into the one we were in. And we were only there because Lindsay had taken so long to make up her mind! I swear that I higher power was working in our favor. I was so destined me to see Josh today!!!!

So we were talking to Lauren who was complaining that she was kind of bored. She said that after dinner they just sit around and watch TV. Natalie mentioned the party tonight and said that she and Josh were welcome to come - and they said they would!

I can't wait! Party tonight! With Josh! Yippie! :)

I've been having a good time since I got here...

Saturday night we went for dinner at the Olive Garden - all of us: mom, dad, gram, gramps, Aunt Lu, Aunt Linda, Uncle Bill, Lindsay, Brett and I.

On Sunday we headed over to the beach. Lindsay couldn't believe how beautiful Siesta Key is. The sand there is amazing. For dinner we had a big cookout on the back patio and did some night swimming. I miss swimming in the fall/winter.

On Monday, I went shopping with the women and we had tea at a place in Venice. It was so much fun. I actually forgot that Josh flew in last night. He flew in from JFK. He went straight from class to the airport.

So much for not thinking of him, huh? I'm obsessed! I'm sick. I've got a Josh sickness. Anyway, I'm doing my best to have fun and not think about him. There's more to life than boys, right?

I went over to my old high school this afternoon and saw a bunch of friends. They have a half day of school tomorrow and Nat's having a party at her house tomorrow night so I'll get to see everyone.

I'm going to Florida! Yippie! I can't wait. Tomorrow I'm getting on a plane and by lunch time I'll be home in Sunny, Sarasota. I can't wait to see my mom and Natalie. My grandparents (on my dad's side) are coming from Tennessee for the holiday. It's going to be a full house! I just hope my father can control himself for a few days.

I keep thinking about the situation with Josh...or, rather, the lack of situation with Josh. I'm thinking that maybe I really should just give up on him.

He's in college - in New York City. I'm sure the girls at NYU are a lot more grown up and sophisticated than I am. I'm a misplaced southern girl who's still in high school and will be for another year and a half. He probably thinks of me as a kid.

I think I'm just going to go to Florida and sit on the beach and try to forget him. I'm not even going to think about the fact that he's only going to be 45 minutes away. I'm going to call Nat and we're going to go out and have fun without any guys!

When I got to work, Nancy, the secretary - who is also pregnant - asked me to run over to Wawa and get her a candy bar and a jar of peanut butter. I guess she's having cravings or something so I went to pick them up. When I got back Josh was sitting in the office. His mom was out for a few hours so he said he was going to wait for her.

So I go to my desk to work - and ignore him - and he follows me and asks me to tell him about cool things to do in Bradenton (the town his grandparents have at house at in Florida - right next to Sarasota). So I tell him about Sarasota Jungle Gardens and Lido Beach.

Then he asked me how far Bradenton was from my parent's house. I told him it was about 45 minutes. He asked if I'd want to meet up some day next week! I played it cool and told him to call me when he gets to Florida!

He finally left and Nancy smiled at me and told me that there was no way he was there for his mother - he didn't even wait for her! She thinks he wanted to see me. She said that he asked for me the minute he walked in the office, and didn't even say anything about his mother until I got there!

I'm going to just keep playing hard-to-get! :)

Last night I went to the library to get some books to take with me to Florida. As I was walking out Josh was walking in! I remembered The Rules and decided to play it cool. I said hello to him and then breezed by as quickly as I could. Well, he came running after me! He "needed advice on what to pack" for Florida!

He he...I could totally tell he was just trying to talk to me. This hard-to-get stuff really works!

I just gave him some quick examples and then I told him I had to get home. I left leaving him wanting more! :)

I love The Rules.

Molly bought The Rules book last night. We were going through it at lunch today and I can tell you I feel even more depressed about Josh. The book basically says that if he doesn't ask you out, he's not interested. :(

That's what's so weird...He doesn't ask me out, but he acts likes he is interested. He's so sweet whenever we're together and he will touch my arm or back when we're walking or talking. Why would he do that if he didn't like me? And the way he looks at me...I LOVE the way he looks at me... And Molly made a good point today. She said, "The guy is teaching you how to drive. He wouldn't do that if he didn't like you."

So why doesn't he ask me out!?!? Maybe The Rules is right. Maybe it's because I'm too available to him. Maybe I should hang back and let him pursue me a little...

On another note...I had the most vivid dream last night. Josh and I were sitting on a bench near the beach. It wasn't in Florida though because the beach didn't look like Florida and we were wearing sweat shirts. We were talking and it was like we were really together. That's all I remember of it, but it felt so real. I could smell and taste the salt air. I could feel the slight chill in the air. I could feel how wonderful it would be if I were Josh's girlfriend.

How am I ever going to get over this guy?

Josh and Lauren just came into work to see their mom. Seeing him drives me crazy. I'm so frustrated with him!

Molly and I were moping together at lunch today. She wants Alex. I want Josh. And neither of us have what we want. We were thinking of trying the "hard to get" act. I'm just worried that they won't even notice... I mean, Alex is so into Becky, and Josh probably doesn't think anything of it.

I tried it on him when he stopped by and he didn't even notice. He said hi to me and then went into his mother's office. It was like he was the one playing hard to get!

My teacher's out sick today so they sent us to study hall...it's been a quiet morning. I'm still thinking about Josh and what I should do in Florida.

I can't help it but I keep holding on to the hope that he feels the connection too. Sometimes when he looks at me there's something in his eyes and I think, he has to feel it too! But he never does anything to act on that feeling...It's so discouraging.

Maybe I'm just seeing things that I want to see. Maybe I just bend everything he says and does into what I want to hear and see.

Okay, I've decided. I'm giving up...again.

It feels like Christmas is getting earlier and earlier... One of the radio stations in Philadelphia is already playing Christmas music 24/7! It's not even Thanksgiving yet!

I'm kind of having mixed feelings about Thanksgiving. I was excited because Josh is going to be in Florida, but now I'm not sure if it even matters...I'm just not getting any where with the boy.

On Saturday he sat with us at the Homecoming game because he was Lindsay's escort for the Homecoming Court. It was fun and we talked but nothing came out of it. Before the night was over he asked if I wanted to go for a drive on Sunday.

So Sunday comes and I'm thinking, he wants to spend time with me, but it's just the same old thing. It's like we're buddies or pals... I don't want to be his pal. I want to be his girlfriend! I'm just so frustrated.

Part of me is thinking that I shouldn't bother to contact Josh or Lauren when we're in Florida. Maybe I just need a break. Maybe I need to forget about Josh.

Today was a great day...Mrs. Anderson just told me that Josh is going to Florida for Thanksgiving! That means he'll be down there the same time that I'll be down there, and just 45 minutes away! Yippie! Lauren already said she wanted to get together. Now all I have to do is convince her to bring her adorable older brother along...

I'm really looking forward to going now. Even though I have to deal with my dad, it won't be so bad because everyone will be there...Aunt Lu, Uncle Bill, Aunt Linda, Lindsay, Brett, my grandparents on my dad's side. And if I'm lucky maybe I'll get to see Josh and Lauren.

I don't think Josh will be down there the whole time I'm there though. I don't care. I just need one day. Just one. Me and him at Siesta Key around sunset...I'm going to make this happen.

I'm going to see Josh on Saturday. He has to accompany Lindsay to the homecoming game. I think he has to be in the parade too. Molly and I are doing the junior class float so we'll be in the parade too.

I do have to admit, I like some of the social activities that the school here in Pennsylvania offers better than what we did in Florida.

Anyway, I'm at work so I should get back to work....

Our Homecoming Dance was this past Saturday. It was awesome - Lindsay won Homecoming Queen! I was so excited.

The dance was fun. Molly and I got there early to decorate and set up. I was in charge of selling tickets and spent the first half hour of the dance waiting for Lindsay and Josh to get there. Molly finally made me take a break because I was getting worried that Lindsay had chickened out and wasn't going to show up.

I went out and danced for a little while and then returned to the table and saw Lindsay and Josh standing there talking to Molly. I was so relieved to see them. Lindsay looked gorgeous and Josh...he always looks gorgeous.

I went back to selling tickets with Molly and Lindsay and Josh went into the dance. That's when Alex and Becky showed up. Molly looked like she was going to jump over the table and strangle Becky. Molly's crush on Alex gets bigger and bigger the more she can't have him. Before I didn't think it was that genuine, but now I think she really likes him. She was kind of bummed the rest of the night.

Once the first hour of the dance was underway we closed up shop and went to have some fun. Molly and I hit the dance floor - conveniently close to Alex. Molly was shaking her thing all around him!

They played the song "Pretty Woman" and Alex and I danced a Cha Cha. At least all of our work is starting to pay off - he actually looked pretty good! I also slow danced with this guy, Nick who is always hanging around me. He's a nice guy, but I have no interest in him. In fact, I was staring at Josh the whole time I was slow dancing...wishing I were in his arms.

A little later in the evening Lindsay was starting to get nervous about the Homecoming Court. She and Jennifer disappeared in the ladies' room for a while so I got a chance to dance with Josh. It was a fast song though...Usher's Yeah!

The Homecoming Court was next and I stood there hoping and praying that Lindsay would be selected. When they called her name I cheered. I was so happy for her! She and Josh had to dance a special dance together, and then I got to congratulate her. I gave her a big hug and she thanked me for helping her get a date. Then she said that I better get some dances in with Josh before the night was over. I felt weird about it though...I know that there's nothing between Josh and Lindsay but he was her date for the evening.

I spent most of the rest of the night hanging out with Molly and counseling her on the situation with Alex. Towards the very end of the night Josh walked over and insisted that I dance with him. I finally got my slow dance!

I can't explain it though...I live for those few moments when I'm that close to him, but I get so caught up in it that I can hardly enjoy it. I just remember that he was holding me very close and that he smelt and felt so good.

After the dance I had to clean up which took an hour. Then we met up with Lindsay, Josh, Jennifer, and her date for a late night snack. Lindsay and I went into the bathroom and she started telling me how great Josh had been all night. I started to get a little worried and asked her if she was developing a thing for him. She assured me that she wasn't and that she knew I liked him.

Josh gave me a ride home. When we got there he said, "I think I forgot to tell you how pretty you looked tonight." He's so sweet!!!!

I haven't posted this week because I've been swamped with school work and I haven't been feeling good. Not too much has been going on anyway. Molly is pining over Alex and he's totally "in love" with his French girlfriend.

I saw Josh last weekend at Molly's Halloween party. Nothing too eventful happened...just the usual: Josh being so adorable and me wanting him. I'm always wanting him.

Good news is that I'm going out with Molly tonight to see The Grudge and she just called me to let me know that she convinced Josh to come with us! Yippie!

More to come soon...

Yesterday I gave you the drama of the camping trip...today I give you the drama of Molly and Alex.

Remember on Friends when Rachel found out that Ross was in love with her? She decided to tell him but found out he had a new girlfriend? Well, the same exact thing happened with Molly and Alex.

Molly was free of Greg and decided that she wanted Alex. On Monday we got to school and she was all ready to tell him how she feels. One problem: Becky.

Alex and Becky met on their trip to Montreal. She's a sophomore who happens to be a year ahead in her French studies so she was able to go on the trip. They hit it off and ooh la la, it wuz eh luv thing!

Molly's completely devastated now...or at least she acts that way. I find it hard to believe that she's really devastated since she never batted an eye at Alex before last week, but she's acting that way. She hates this poor Becky girl with a passion, but it doesn't matter. Alex is taken with her and I don't think he'll drop her for Molly.

Tomorrow night is Molly's party. I can't wait because I know that Josh will be there! I can't wait to see those amazing blue eyes...

I know it's been a while and I've got a lot to report.

The weekend was awesome. I spent a lot of time with Josh!!!

On Friday night we got to the camp ground. We put up our tents. I shared a tent with Jen and Lindsay. Molly wanted to share her tent with Greg...uggghh.

We built a fire and I was getting ticked off because one of the girls from NY (her name was Amy) was hanging on Josh. Why does that always happen? So I decided to sleep, only I couldn't sleep. Jennifer and Lindsay came into the tent and were talking. After tossing and turning I got up to go to the bathroom and found Josh sitting by himself by the fire. Perfect!

I walked over and sat down with him. He said he was sitting there because he wanted to watch the fire burn out, but he looked deep in thought. I wanted to get information from him about his feelings towards Amy so I teased him that she had taken a liking to him. He didn't seem phased so I took that as a good sign.

We talked for a long time and then the fire burned out. I said something along the lines of, "well, the fire's out...now what?" He gave me a flirty look and said, "I'm sure we can think of something to do." I'm sure he was coming on to me but Lauren walked out at that moment. It's like I'm doomed when it comes to Josh because the minute it seems like something might happen, someone or something interupts us.

Lauren had to go to the bathroom and was too scared to go alone. Josh and I walked her to the restrooms. When we got back to our tents Josh said that it was late and that we should go to sleep but "we'll have to finish our conversation later."

The next morning I was the last one up. Everyone was fixing breakfast and I saw Molly and Josh standing away from everyone else. Molly looked upset so I went to see how she was. Apparently things weren't going well with Greg.

Molly left for a minute and Josh and I were standing there talking about Molly and we didn't know she had come back. Josh was saying that she should dump Greg and go out with Alex. He was going on and on about how Alex really likes her and how much better he would be for her. Well, Molly heard the whole thing! I thought Josh was going to have a heart attack - he totally didn't mean for her to hear.

After breakfast we went hiking. Molly and I were walking at the back of the crowd. She was obsessing over her new information about Alex liking her. I kept trying to shut her up. I didn't think Greg would appreciate the conversation and I didn't want it getting back to Alex that Molly knew he likes her.

I kept watching Josh as we were hiking. He was in the very front with Amy and well, my ability to control my emotions had gone out to lunch because I was so jealous. I hate to admit it, but I was really ticked off that she was encroaching on my time with him.

Jennifer started feeling sick so we stopped for lunch a little early. The place had an awesome view. I was sitting with Jennifer and Lindsay and Josh was showing Amy the view. My emotions were really running high at this point. I got up and walked over to them. Amy must have sensed that I was mad because she quickly left.

I started giving Josh a hard time about Amy. He snapped back at me, "I told you last night that I wasn't interested in her! What business is it of yours anyway?" I gave him a look and just told him that he was right. What else could I say? He was right.

I turned away from him to look out at the view and he walked over to me and told me he didn't know why we were fighting. I said "me neither" and then I started to lose my footing or the ground under me wasn't stable because I started to slip. Thank God he had walked over to me because I think I would have been really hurt if he hadn't been standing there and hadn't grabbed me before I could fall down.

It's not like I would have fallen off a cliff or anything, but it scared the you-know-what out of me. Everyone ran over to me to make sure I was okay, and I was, but I was shaken. Josh told them to go back to eating their lunch so that he could calm me down a little. I told him I was sorry for bothering him about Amy and he said it was okay. He told me that I had to stay close to him the rest of the day so that he could make sure nothing else happened to me.

We were getting ready to head out again when Lindsay said that she thought we should head back. Jennifer looked absolutely miserable so we cut the hike short and went back to camp. By the time we got there Jennifer was burning up and Josh wanted to take her to the hospital. Being Jennifer, she refused to go. Finally Josh gave Lindsay the keys to his car and told her to take Jennifer to a hotel, and if things got worse to go to the hospital.

After they left Molly, Kelly and I talked more about Alex. Molly told me she wanted to see if there could be something between her. I told her to make sure of how she feels before talking to Alex. I don't want him getting hurt. She also told me that she was going to break up with Greg. I told her that she couldn't do that until the trip was over. I did not want to deal with their breakup. Our trip had already been too dramatic. Thankfully, Kelly agreed with me.

We had another camp fire that night and Amy wasn't hanging on Josh so I felt better about things. He was playing his guitar and we were all singing along. He started playing "With You" and insisted that I sing it. It was fun.

We made smores and told stories. It was a good time but I was getting nervous about sleeping alone in my tent in the middle of the woods. Everyone was starting to go to sleep and I just sat there, not wanting to go. Josh knew what was bothering me and asked if I wanted him to join me in the tent! I told him I wasn't that type of girl, and he laughed and said he wasn't suggesting anything "tawdry." I told him that it would be fine for him to sleep in my tent.

We got in our sleeping bags and we talked for what seemed like hours, but it couldn't have been too long because Molly showed up with her sleeping bag and joined us in the tent. She had broken up with Greg and didn't want to share a tent with him.

The next day we packed up and waited for Lindsay and Jennifer to get back with Josh's car. Jen was feeling better but not great. She said having a bed, heat and running water helped a lot.

I drove back with Jennifer, Lindsay and Josh. Now, I know you're going to think I'm nuts but this actually worked out well...Lindsay was nominated to the Homecoming Court and needed an escort. I'm working at the dance so I won't have time for a date. I fixed it so that Josh would take her. Lindsay has no interest in Josh so I don't have to worry about that, and this way Josh will get to see me all gussied up.

So that was the weekend. Josh and I defintely got closer this weekend. He took me out driving on Tuesday and we're going to go out driving again on Saturday.

Not much going on this week...just waiting for the weekend to come. I'm so excited for the chance to spend some time with Josh...!

Molly is bringing Greg with her. The only problem is that they haven't been getting along that well so we'll see what happens. I wish she would dump Greg and go out with Alex. Unfortunately, he won't be with us this weekend because he has a trip to Montreal for his French class.

Lindsay and Jennifer are coming though, along with Kelly and Jason, Lauren and one of her friends, Josh and three of his friends from NY. I hope that Molly and Jennifer don't kill each other. Things between them seem to have cooled down a bit though. I'm more worried about Molly and Greg. They are just not right for each other. She only likes him because he's hot. He only likes her because she's popular. After you get past the superficial common ground there's nothing left.

Then there's me and Josh. We have tons of common ground, the chemistry is enough to knock me out, and we're not together. It's just not right. I can't imagine that he doesn't feel it when we're together - it's like there's extra energy floating around us. I feel so alive and aware of everything and yet he's the only thing I notice. Is that weird?

Molly and I went to Starbucks last night and she gave me a lot of insight into Josh Anderson. She told me (which I already knew) that a lot of girls like him. She said that before he dated Kelly, he dated a lot of girls. Molly says that Kelly's the one that got him to settle down and it broke his heart when she left him to date his best friend, Jason. (I'm still amazed that Josh forgave Jason and that they're still friends!) Molly said that even though he dated a lot, he was never a "player" type of guy. He just went out with the girls who liked him, and he just doesn't do that anymore. Molly said whenever he dates someone she turns out to be horrible - like Wendy from this summer. She said he's probably scared and is waiting for a special girl.

He deserves a special girl. He's the most truly genuine person I've ever met. I think that's why so many girls like him. He makes everyone he comes in contact with feel special. I just wish that I could be the really special girl who makes him feel special.

I'm so excited for this weekend. I get to spend the whole entire weekend with Josh! Yippie!

I saw him on Saturday when I was out walking Barkley. He pretended to be scared and said he didn't want to get sprayed by a skunk again. He's so cute! He did come over and talk to me. He sounds excited about our camping trip. I can't wait!

One week from now and I'll be headed up state for a weekend of camping! I can't wait. I'll get to see Josh all weekend long! :) Yippie.

Tonight I'm going to the football game. I'm hoping that Josh will be there. Although, I'm afraid of him seeing Nancy again. I don't understand why there are always so many girls after him...well, I can see why they like him so much but I wish they'd go away. I want him all for myself. Now if I could just get him to want me...!

Uncle Bill, Aunt Linda, Lindsay and Brett are going away this weekend and leaving Barkley (their dog) with me and Aunt Lu. I told Aunt Lu he's all her responsibility. I don't need any more run-ins with a skunk. ;)

It's been a few days...things have been really hectic with choir, driving lessons, school, work and teaching Alex how to dance. He's slowly starting to catch on though. He's so proud of himself too - it's really cute!

Uncle Bill took me out for a driving lesson on Tuesday. He was impressed with how easily I was picking it up. He told me that Lindsay took a long time to learn.

Josh and I are going out tonight to shop for camping gear. I can't wait. I haven't seen him all week.

So we find out tomorrow who has been nominated for the Homecoming Court. Everyone is saying that Lindsay got nominated. She's not real happy about it though. She hasn't thought about a date to the dance yet and I don't think she wants one. I'm not even sure that she wants to go. She'll have to if she gets nominated.

Oops, must have saved this as a draft instead of posting it...

Saturday night was great. Molly, Greg, Alex and I met up with Josh, his friend Keith, and Kelly and Jason. The hayride was so much fun. We were sitting on the ride and Josh leaned over towards me and whispered, "Are you scared yet?" I joked that I was terrified and he put his arm around me and said, "I'll protect you." It was really cute. :)

After the hayride we roasted marshmallows in the fire and made smores. Kelly and Jason went back to Princeton and Molly and Greg wanted to be alone so Josh, Keith, Alex and I went to Nifty Fifties. I went there after Lauren's birthday party. They have awesome milkshakes. Josh then took us home.

I'm hoping that I'll get to see him this week. He said we'd try to find a time to go sleeping bag shopping.

I showed Josh my driver's permit last night (he didn't get home until late on Wednesday so I didn't see him). Mrs. Anderson gave me a ride home from work yesterday and Josh came out to see me. He asked me if I wanted to go for a spin - with him driving of course - but I told him that I had to go to the student council meeting so he offered to pick me up afterwards.

So at the end of the meeting Josh walks in and sits down in the back of the room. When the meeting was over Molly and I had to talk to Mr. Keating about the Junior Class Homecoming Float for the parade. Well, as we're talking to him I see three girls flock over to Josh. They latched on to him like a rottweiler with a pot roast!

After we finished talking to Mr. Keating, Joe Baker, the Junior Class President (Molly is VP) came over to us to talk about the float. The guy is so sleazy. He always makes statements about how he's looking forward to spending alone time with us. Yuck. Luckily Josh went over to talk to Mr. Keating so he wasn't surrounded by girls.

As Josh and I were leaving, this girl, Nancy, walks over and hands Josh her phone number! I couldn't believe it! What if Josh and I were actually together? Have these girls no shame? I told him he was popular and he just rolled his eyes. He didn't seem to have any interest in Nancy, but still...

Before we left, Alicia (the girl who has the crush on Alex) came over to me to talk about the homecoming dance. She wants to volunteer which is great, but I feel so bad for the girl. She's so shy. She could barely get the words out. I think it might be because she knows that I'm friends with Alex.

When we finally got out of there Josh gave me a mini lesson on the car controls and then drove me home. He said he talked to his friend and they will be joining us on Saturday night! Yippie! :)

I can't wait...tomorrow can't come quick enough. I love spending time with him. Every time we're together I know more and more that we are meant to really be together. There's just a little extra electricity in the air when we're together. I can already see it so clearly. I know that he's the one. Now I just have to get him to see it too...

I have a driver's permit! The State of Pennsylvania will allow me to learn to drive! Yippie! I can't wait until Josh gets home so that I can tell him the good news!

Speaking of Josh, I finally saw him yesterday! F-i-n-a-l-l-y!

Yesterday after work I was outside on the back patio teaching Alex the Cha Cha when Josh walked over. He said he had been watching us from his window and wondered what we were doing. Alex explained about the talent show act and told him that he was learning to dance. Josh looked at me and said, "You're a brave woman, Nicole Bradford." It was really cute the way he said it. Alex asked him to stay and watch so that he could get some feedback so Josh actually hung around for a while!

After our dance lesson I walked out front with Alex and Josh. I asked them if they wanted to do a haunted hayride on Saturday night. Molly and I had been planning it, and she was going to ask Josh but since he was there I figured I'd talk to him about it. He said that he'd like to go but his friend from NY might be visiting him. He'd have to find out if his friend would want to go. All I have to say is: His friend had better want to go!

We were also talking about the camping trip - Alex can't go! :( Anyway, Alex left and Josh and I were still talking. I told him that I don't have any camping gear. He said he had a tent that I could use but I'd have to get a sleeping bag. I asked him if he'd go with me to buy one and he said yes!

At that point Aunt Lu walked out and told me to come in for dinner so that was the end of our conversation. I'm just so glad that I finally saw him!

No Josh at the library last night. Maybe I should just forget about him. I don't know. It's so annoying. Why did I have to fall so hard for a guy that I obviously can't have? I mean, he lives next door, I can see his bedroom window from mine, and yet I never see him! You'd think that eventually I'd catch a glimpse of him, but NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! :(

Okay, I'm sorry I'm pouting, but it's so frustrating. How long am I going to have to wait until I see him again? The anticipation is killing me!!! Boy do I have it bad.

At least I'm taking my driver's permit test tomorrow. That will give me an excuse to see him. I can stop by his house and show off my paper work. I can't wait to start driving so that my friends don't have to cart me around.

I think I can guilt trip my parents into getting me a car, after all, they did ship me over a thousand miles away. I think I deserve something for being deserted by them. Not to mention the years of dealing with an alcoholic father - who still hasn't cleaned up is act, I might add. I'm thinking a jaguar convertible...Doubt it will happen but a girl can dream, right? Probably, I'll end up having to borrow Aunt Lu's car. I'll look like an old lady driving around.

Well, I've got to eat some lunch before the period is over. More to come...

I spent yesterday working with Alex on his dance moves. I should get a medal for the patience I displayed. He wants to do his act to "Billie Jean" because he wants to do an 80's theme since last year he did a 70's theme. So, okay, that's great, but Michael Jackson doesn't have the best reputation right now. I'm not sure I would have picked one of his songs.

Anyway, "Billie Jean" is a Cha Cha so I thought that we could incorporate the Cha Cha into the choreography. I started by teaching Alex the basic Cha Cha step. It took almost all afternoon, and he told me that he is working on getting back up dancers which means I'm going to have to teach them too. I think I've gotten myself into more than I expected. :(

I also didn't see Josh this weekend. That means it's been over and week and I'm going through withdraw symptoms. I need a Josh fix! I have to go to the library tonight to study for a test that I have tomorrow. I'm hoping that maybe he'll be there.

Tomorrow night Alex is coming over to learn more Cha Cha. I'm having my mom send me an instructional video that he can do at home. She's a dance teacher in FL so she has access to all of that stuff.

I just got home from work. It was a pretty uneventful day. Mrs. Anderson told me that Josh is staying in New York tonight. :( So much for trying to bump into him.

It drives me crazy. I want to see him so badly that I'm practically jumping all over the place. People must think I'm nuts. I can't help it, the anticipation of seeing him makes me crazy. I was really hoping that I'd run into him tonight and now I know there's no chance.

Plans for the night include dinner with Lindsay, Jennifer and Alex. I'm not sure what we're doing after that.

Molly has a date with Greg tonight but I'm supposed to hang out with her tomorrow. She's going to have a Halloween party and she wants me to help her plan it.

I just hope that I get to see Josh at some point this weekend...grrr... I wonder what he's doing in New York. I hope he doesn't have a date...grrr!!!! Okay, now I'm getting myself upset. I should just stop and get ready for dinner.

Thank God Molly gets use of the car again tomorrow. Walking to school in the rain is not fun. This is motivating me to get my driver's permit. Aunt Lu and I cleared our schedules to go next Wednesday.

I was able to talk Molly into being my partner for our junior project. We're meeting with our advisor next Monday to iron out the details.

Alex is coming over tonight to talk to me about his talent show act. I'm still surprised that he wants to dance, but I'm going to work with him if that's what he wants to do.

There's a freshman girl, Alicia, that has a huge crush on Alex. It's so cute. She looks at him like a love sick puppy (which Alex reminded me is the way I look at Josh...grrr...). Anyway, today Alex and I were walking through the halls and we saw her by her locker looking at him. So Alex walked over to her and shook her hand and said, "Hi, I'm Alex." And she said (nervously), "I'm Alicia." He smiled at her and said, "Nice to meet you. Maybe I'll see you around." I could practically see her heart soaring. She was just melting, and it made me proud to be Alex's friend. He totally made her day.

I kind of wish Molly had seen it, but at the same time I think it would've been wasted on her. Molly is just so obsessed with Greg, the football player, that she doesn't see this great guy who is right in front of her.

Maybe I shouldn't talk. When I first moved here Aunt Lu kept telling me about the great boy-next-door who was cute, talented, smart and sweet. I just rolled my eyes and ignored her. Now I think he's the most adorable thing I've ever laid my eyes on. I just wish I could lay eyes on him more often. I haven't seen him at all this week.

I really need to come up with some sort of plan to bump into him somewhere. I just don't know how to do it without being too obvious. I know he studies at the library a few nights a week, so maybe I'll try that. Once I get the driver's permit I'll be able to use driving lessons as an excuse to see him on a more regular basis.

Aunt Lu said yes! I'm going camping! Yippie! And Josh emailed me back and said he would invite Lindsay and Jennifer - not that it matters since Aunt Lu said yes, but it will be fun having them there. I can't wait!

I'm at the library working on a paper for my Brit. Lit. class and I'm ready to pull my hair out! It needs to be five pages and I'm finished with four. Now I have to go back and come up with another page of material! Grrr...it should be quality not quantity that counts. The paper isn't due until Friday so I still have a little time to get it done.

Another pulling hair out moment this morning...Lauren and I were walking to school together and I told her that I was going to Florida for Thanksgiving. She told me that her grandparents were spending their first winter in Bradenton (which is right above Sarasota) and that her family was thinking of going down to visit at Thanksgiving. At this point I was about to jump for joy because I thought I could meet up with her and Josh. But then she told me that Josh probably wasn't going to go because he can't miss school. :(

Grr... can you believe that? I'm going to be stuck in Florida for Thanksgiving, Josh's family is going to be in Florida but he's not going to be there! Oh well... I told Lauren that we could try to meet some place in between one day while we're down there so that she's not bored. She seemed happy about that.

I still haven't mustered up the strength to ask Aunt Lu about the camping trip. I want to go so badly and I'm scared that she'll say no. I was thinking about asking Josh to invite Lindsay. I think Aunt Lu will be more likely to go for it if Lindsay is going. Hmm...maybe I'll shoot him an email.

I talked to my advisor for my senior project and she thinks I should find a partner because it's a big project for one person to do alone. Since Molly keeps changing her mind about what she's going to do, I think I'll try to get her on board.

So I guess the seniors are starting to think about the homecoming court because I heard that Lindsay might be nominated. I think it's great but Lindsay is freaking out. She spent most of the summer sitting on the couch and eating her sorrows away. She gained a little weight in the process, but she's acting like she's huge. She wants to go on a diet. I think she should just start taking a daily walk or something. She's already lost a few of the pounds just from starting school again. I'm sure they will come off if she stays away from vegging out on the couch constantly. I'm just worried about her. Since James died it has been one thing after another. I know it won't happen over night, but I want Lindsay back to normal. I want her to get better.

Okay, I'm starting to ramble. I should email Josh and then get back to my paper.

Signing off.

NB

I got an email last night from Josh. He was talking to some of his New York friends about camping and they want to go, so he's planning a camping trip for the end of the month. He invited me and a bunch of his friends to go along. I want to go so badly, but I'm not sure if Aunt Lu will go for it.

Alex is doing the fall talent show, which I expected because he's a great singer. What suprised me is that he wants to dance! Alex - not such a great dancer. He knows that I taught Henry to dance and that my mom is a dance instructor so he's twisted my arm into doing the choreography for him. I love that kind of stuff but I'm afraid I'm going to get really frustrated because he doesn't normally dance.

Anyway, the whole dancing thing got me thinking about my senior project. I was thinking about directing a musical, like Smokey Joe's Cafe, where it's all singing and dancing. I could probably cast the whole thing just with my friends, but maybe I'll hold auditions and then we'll perform in the spring. I was thinking that since Molly changed her mind about her project, I could kind of take half of her idea (she already said it was cool). I'm thinking of making my own musical, one that reflects the history of American Music. I have to see if I can get permission to do it, but I think it would be lots of fun!

Well, time to sign off so that I can eat lunch before my whole lunch period is over!

Today was my first rehearsal for Women's Ensemble. I'm loving it. :)

The weekend was fun. Friday night was the football game. Lindsay, Jennifer and I went. I bumped into Josh and Jason at the snack bar and convinced them to sit with us. I don't know what it is about Josh, but when we're together it always feels like no one else is around. The two of us start talking and the rest of the world disappears. I always feel like I'm walking on clouds after spending time with him. It makes me feel special when I know there were so many people at the football game who would have loved to talk to him, but he spent most of the night sitting with me (until Jason made him get up and walk around to talk to people).

After the game we met up with Alex at Perkins. He had just gotten off of work and seemed like a grump. I know he's upset that Molly is chasing around her stupid football player.

Josh, Jason, Lauren and a few of her friends showed up so we all got a big table together. Josh told me that I had to set a date to go get my driver's permit. I've been so busy with school that I haven't really studied. He said the only thing that will really motivate me is to set a date to take the test.

Yesterday afternoon I was sitting on the back porch doing my Algebra2/Trig homework and Josh walked over. He made me get the driver's manual and sat with me for 45 minutes drilling traffic laws into my head. He's a pretty good teacher so I asked him if he could help me with math. He just laughed and said he barely got through it himself. Oh well, at least I'm making some progress in the driving department.

Aunt Lu has been bugging me about getting the permit too. She wants me to get in enough practice before the snow comes so that we can take a break during the winter if the weather gets too bad.

Well, I should get to my homework since we have concert choir rehearsals tonight. I'm going to be here (school) until 9:00.

I was chosen for Women's Ensemble! Yippie! Preparing for the audition payed off. Molly got in also. I knew she would. Our choir teacher loves her.

I'm at work right now. You're probably thinking, "why is she blogging at work?" Well, Mrs. Anderson said it's a slow day and I should just hang out and answer the phone if someone calls.

Josh stopped by a little while ago to see his mom! It's the first time he's stopped by and I wasn't expecting it but I was happy to see him. I haven't seen him at all this week.

I asked him if he was going to go to the football game tonight. He told me that Jason was coming home from Princeton and that they might stop by. I hope they do! Keep your fingers crossed for me. I'm going with Lindsay and Jennifer. Lindsay is starting to perk up but she's still a killjoy sometimes. Unfortunately, Molly is grounded for keeping the car out too late last weekend so she can't go. :(

I am crushing on Josh so badly. I had an amazing weekend. Saturday night we were at Friendly's and he told me he'd help me with my choir auditions. (Which are tonight, BTW).

Yesterday I went over to his house and we worked on my song. Then his mom came in and asked him to go get pumpkins. He was grumbling about it and she asked me if I would mind helping him. Of course I said yes.

We went to one of the local farms. It was so much fun. Florida pretty much stays the same all year long so I've never had autumn before and it was so much fun doing "autumny" things. I think Josh was getting a kick out of how much fun I was having. They had scarecrows all over the place and I was getting really excited about how cute they were. We had candied apples and we bought pumpkins. Josh suggested we go on a haunted hayride in the next few weeks. I can't wait. :)

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Last night was awesome. Molly and I met up with Terry and his friends - Josh was one of his friends! We hung out at Terry's house. His parents have a finished basement with a big screen TV. It was fun.

Tonight I was going to just hang out at home but Lauren called and said that she and Josh were going to get ice cream so I'm going to go out with them. This weekend is turning out better than I imagined. I have to go. We're leaving at 8:30.

bI thought with Josh still living here I'd see him all the time, but I haven't seen him since Saturday. :( He did send me an email about studying the driver's manual but that's it. Grrr...! I have to come up with some excuse to see him.

This week has been pretty boring. Molly's going after her football star and Alex is depressed that Molly has no interest in him. Lindsay has been a grouch and Jennifer has been, well, Jennifer.

My new job is going well though. I like Mrs. Anderson a lot and I like the other two women that work in her office. I'm just hoping that Josh will stop by one of these days.

No big plans for the weekend. I did run into Terry at the library last night and he asked me if I wanted to meet up with him and some of his friends tomorrow night. He's supposed to email me, so I might do that.

Hope things get a little more exciting...but not like last week - I don't ever want to deal with a skunk again!

I started my new job today. I'm working for Mrs. Anderson. So far so good.

Nothing much has happened since the skunk incident. Although Josh has now nicknamed me "Stinky." Just what I want him to call me...he couldn't call me "Sweetheart," "Woman of my Dreams" or "The Most Beautiful Woman to Grace My Presence?" Sigh. I wonder if that will ever happen.

Things at school are pretty uneventful. Molly has gotten Greg's (the football player) attention. He hasn't asked her out yet but I think he will. Poor Alex. He's so bummed about the whole thing. :(

Well, I want to finish up my homework so I can get in some TV time. Till tomorrow...

A few months ago I felt like I was part of a WB drama - now I feel like a character in a sitcom. You'll never believe the night I had.

Molly was supposed to pick me up around 7:00 to go to the football game but I couldn't get Barkely to do his business and I didn't want to leave him in the house to leave "presents" all around so I told her I'd meet her there.

I was upstairs getting ready when I heard Barkely yelp and then go nuts barking. He was barking, growling, the whole nine yards, and I'm thinking - because I'm home alone and my imagination is taking over - that a burglar is trying to get in (like anyone would break in at 7:00 in the evening).

So I went to the back of the house and peeked out the window and then it hits me - like a ton of bricks - the smell of a skunk. Yuck.

I ran downstairs and out back and started calling for Barkely to come but he wasn't hearing it. He was pissed off about getting sprayed and he had the skunk backed into a corner up against the shed. But then he grabbed the skunk in his mouth and started running towards me. I screamed and moved out of the way and he ran into the house - about as far as his chain would go into the house.

I guess Josh heard me from next door because he ran over to see what the commotion was. Hearing Josh's voice got Barkely distracted and he dropped the skunk. Josh grabbed Barkely's chain and pulled him back outside but now I had a skunk running around Aunt Lu's house!

I didn't really need to explain to Josh what was going on. He ran around to the front of the house and opened the front door. The skunk was going crazy running around the house and I was screaming for it to get out, Barkely was still barking like crazy. I don't know how - probably some divine intervention but the skunk ran out the front door.

Josh decided the best thing to do would be to give Barkely a tomato juice bath. We made sure Barkely's chain was secure and then we hopped in Josh's car and drove over to ACME. We got a shopping cart and filled it with tomato juice. People in the store were looking at us weird and it occurred to me that we probably smelt like skunk too. I whispered to Josh, "I think we stink," and for some reason we thought it was hysterical and couldn't stop laughing. The woman at the checkout counter gave us a weird look and Josh and I still couldn't stop laughing.

We got back to the house and the smell was so bad. It was unbearable so Josh suggested we take Barkely to his house for the bath. I got the dog and Josh got the juice and we went to his bathroom, closed the door and went to work.

Josh had to pick Barkely up and put him in the tub. The dog does not like baths. We plugged up the tub and started pouring the tomato juice on his hair. I was trying to rub it in but he kept doing the "doggie shake" and tomato juice was flying everywhere...the sink, the mirror, the toilet, the walls, and all over Josh and me.

This struck us as funny and we were laughing so hard that we were crying. I've heard the term "roll on the floor laughing" but I've never experienced it until last night. Seeing Josh and I laughing so hard got Barkely even more excited and he jumped out of the tub, dripping everywhere and started licking our faces.

They say timing is everything...this is the moment, of course, that the Anderson's got home from their evening out. They must have heard us because they ran upstairs, opened the bathroom door and found Josh and I sitting there, covered with tomato juice and a dripping wet dog who ran over to Mr. Anderson and jumped up on him.

Mrs. Anderson looked like she was going to have a heart attack. Thank goodness she's a quick thinker. She had us rinse Barkely off with water while she make a formula for getting rid of skunk odor. She put it in a spray bottle, sprayed him down and then we rinsed him off again.

The next step was getting everything else cleaned off. She told Josh to take a shower, and she walked me over to Aunt Lu's. We went inside and found that the house smelt so bad. We opened all the windows and then she told me to get some clothes so that I could sleep at their house.

We went back to their house and I took a shower. She made both Josh and I use the skunk odor remover spray too. I then had to call Aunt Lu and explain the mess to her.

At that point the football game was over and I realized I had ruined Josh's Friday night. He said it was cool, and that he had actually had a good time.

Josh offered me his bed so I slept in his room and he slept downstairs in the basement. Barkely slept out on their back porch.

It was so weird being in Josh's bed. Sleeping where he sleeps, cuddled up in his blankets...if only he had been cuddled up there with me...

This morning when we got up we were eating breakfast and Lauren came in and said she could smell skunk. Mrs. Anderson sent Josh and I back upstairs to scrub the bathroom and then take showers again.

After that we went out to search for a skunk odor neutralizer for Aunt Lu's house.

I'm finally at the library now. I can't believe how crazy the past two days have been. Tonight should be quiet though. Molly and I are taking Lauren to see Princess Diaries 2. Josh is going to Princeton to visit Kelly and Jason (his friends who go to school there - he was supposed to go last night...oops.)

Ugh...I have to do a Junior Project. I don't know how I never heard of this before. I haven't even thought of what I'd do. Lindsay did a photo journalistic look at the history of the school. Jennifer directed a play with the kids at the elementary school. Josh coached a special olympics basketball team for his junior project and taught kids how to play the piano for his senior project. These are all great ideas but I can't come up with anything for myself.

Molly is planning to do a look at American music over the 20th Century, and Alex is going to record a CD with original songs. How can I ever come up with anything that great? Grrr... At least I have some time to think about it.

Tonight I'm going to the football game with Molly. She wants to check out her new crush on the football team. We asked Josh to go but he's planning on going to Princeton. :(

The rest of the weekend will be just me and Barkely (Lindsay's dog). I'm watching him until everyone gets back Sunday night.

Molly drove Lauren and I to school today. It was cute. Lauren was so excited to be seen with two juniors! :)

Things aren't looking good for poor Alex. Molly has her sights set on a senior football player. Once Molly gets something into her head she doesn't let it go. I don't think Alex is going to stand much of a chance with her.

This weekend should be interesting. I'm home alone. Aunt Linda's mother died so she and Uncle Bill took Brett up state to make arrangements. Lindsay is staying with Aunt Lu and I until the weekend and then Aunt Lu is going to take her up state too. Aunt Lu was going to see if I could stay with Molly's family but Lindsay's dog will have no place to go so I told them he could stay with me.

I've never been home alone before but I'm not too worried about it. I have plans for the weekend so it won't be like I'm home too much. Friday night it's the football game and then Saturday I'm going to be at the library getting some books that I'll need for the British Lit class. I'm hoping to have plans for Saturday night too but as of now I'm still free. If not, I'll always have Barkely (the dog) to keep me company.

Today we got our music for choir class. It's weird to be singing Christmas music in September, but we're practicing for the holiday concert. There are auditions for the select groups next week. I'm debating whether or not I should audition. I'd love to be part of the groups but I always second guess my talents. I know I'm a good singer but I'm not as good as Jennifer, Alex or Josh. I'm going to have to think about it.

Speaking of Josh...I haven't seen him since Tuesday. :( He took me to get the driver's manual so I can start studying for my permit. I got an email from him today that said, "I hope you're studying." At least he's thinking about me...

That's all, folks!

Today was the first day of school. Junior year is going to be great - I can feel it - so much better than last year.

For starters, I don't have gym first period. I have it last - yippie! That means I won't be gross and sweaty all day.

I have British Lit with Molly. Alex, Lindsay and I have study hall together on the days that I don't have gym class. Jennifer's in my choir class but she's a soprano and I'm an alto so I don't sit with her.

Lunch is great too - I'm sitting with Molly, Alex and a few of Molly's friends. Jennifer and Lindsay are in a different lunch period so I don't have to feel bad about not sitting with them.

I saw Lauren today and asked her how she was adjusting to high school. She seemed pretty calm and collected. She said she's excited about the football game Friday night. I think I'm going to go too.

Well, that's all for now. I have to do homework - yep, first night, can you believe it? Grrr....!

Sorry it's been a few days since I last posted. The past few days have been really busy.

On Saturday night I went with Aunt Lu, my mother and father to a restaurant to meet up with Lindsay's family to celebrate my birthday. I was kind of frustrated because Josh's car was still missing from his driveway and I was mad that I had missed seeing him.

When we got there I was kind of lost in my own little world so I wasn't paying attention to little details. I just followed the hostess to the back room and I didn't even think it was weird that they were taking us into a private room, but when we got there I heard a bunch of people scream "surprise." I looked around the room and saw Molly, Alex, Lindsay, Jennifer, Henry, Terry, Lauren, Uncle Bill, Aunt Linda and little Brett.

I was shocked as everyone ran over to hug me and wish me a happy birthday. The best surprise came about five minutes later when Josh and his mom walked in. Aunt Lu had asked Mrs. Anderson to help contact my friends about the party so she came to celebrate too. She apologized and told me that her car had broken down and Josh had to go pick her up - that's why they were late. I didn't care! I was just happy to see Josh. He gave me a big hug and I didn't want to let him go.

Before I even had a chance to talk to him, Aunt Lu was making us all sit down so that the restaurant could serve us dinner. I ended up sitting at the opposite end of the table from him. It was killing me. My father was trying to talk to me and I couldn't concentrate. I wanted to be where Josh was. I kept catching his eye though, and it reminded me of what Kristen had said... "He's always looking at you." I wonder if there's anything to that.

After dinner we went outside where they had a band and a dance floor. There were also tables outside. It was for all the customer's, not just us, so the music was geered more towards older people.

Terry asked me to dance, and told me that the party is why he acted so weird earlier in the day. He said he didn't want to tell me Josh was in town because he thought it might tip me off to the surprise.

After I danced with Terry, I danced with Henry. He wanted to show off the steps that I had taught him earlier in the summer. It was cute.

After that dance I wanted to finally talk to Josh. He was sitting with Molly and Alex so I walked over to talk to him. Molly *suddenly* felt like dancing so she grabbed Alex's hand so that I could have a moment with Josh. Alex didn't seem too upset about being dragged around by Molly.

I asked Josh how things were going in New York. He told me that he couldn't find a place that he could afford, so he's going to commute from PA until the spring semester and hopefully he'll get university housing then. I tried not to show how happy I was that he's going to be around!

I asked him if a dance would cheer him up and he smiled and said yes. We walked out to the dance floor and danced to "I Only Have Eyes For You." It felt so good being in his arms. I can't explain it. Something just happens to me when I'm that close to him. I feel safe.

When the song was over he didn't let go and kept dancing with me through the next song. I forget what it was but I know I've heard Christina Aguilera sing it.

Anyway, after the song was over we went inside because Aunt Lu wanted me to have my birthday cake. I can't tell you what I wished when I blew out the candles but it looks promising.

I sat down with Josh to eat my cake and he asked me when I was getting my driver's license. I told him that Aunt Lu doesn't want to teach me and that it might be a while. He offered to teach me - much to his mother and Aunt Lu's dismay! They weren't happy about it at first but after we talked it over and Uncle Bill offered to assist in my learning they agreed to it.

We finished up the evening on the dance floor. Henry and I did the Fox Trot. I didn't know it but my mom had taught him a few more moves throughout the night that he wanted to put to use. :)

I also danced with Alex, Terry, my dad and even Molly. Josh and I danced again but to a faster song. It was an amazing night.

On Sunday I had to work but it was fun. Josh was there. They begged him to work since he was home and they were desperate for help. It turned out to be a cold, cloudy day though so the place was empty. He and Terry sat in the snack bar most of the day playing cards.

I also had some time to catch up with Josh. He told me about how crazy it was up in New York. The secret service were checking everyone within a 30 block radius of Madison Square Garden. He said there were so many people that it made apartment hunting difficult.

I told him about Florida, Disney World and the cruise. It felt so good to talk to him.

Yesterday I went to a family BBQ at Uncle Bill and Aunt Linda's house. Lindsay actually seemed happy yesterday. I think school starting up again will help. She'll have things to do instead of sitting on the couch watching TV and eating.

Today is my last day of freedom but I'm spending it well. Josh is taking me to the DMV to pick up the driver's manual so that I can start studying for my permit! Yippie. :)

It's my birthday and I'll cry if I want to!

Actually, I'm not ready to cry yet but I am completely frustrated. I got to work this morning and Terry greeted me by asking if I had any big plans for my birthday. I started to tell him about my dinner plans when Kristen (the little girl from day camp) ran over to me and gave me a hug. She told me that she had been away this week and had missed me since camp ended. It was really cute but then she said, "I saw your boyfriend a little while ago." Now, I know that she thinks Josh is my boyfriend, but I couldn't understand why she thought she saw him. So I told her that she must have been mistaken.

Kristen insisted that she saw Josh, and that he had stopped by the swim club with Lauren, so I looked at Terry who had this weird look on his face. It was obvious that he didn't want to tell me something, so of course I pressed the issue. Terry tried to act casual about it and was like, "yeah, he dropped by."

AAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

That's what I wanted to scream. Josh, the only person on this planet that I've been dying to see, dropped by when I wasn't there! I started asking Terry questions and he told me that he didn't even talk to Josh.

Then Kristen said, "I knew you liked him! He likes you too." I asked her how she knew that and she replied, "He's always looking at you." ?!?!?!?!?!?!?

After that I went to the snack bar and sulked because Josh had been there and I missed him.

It's not fair. He's in town and I haven't seen him. :( I guess that shows where I am on his list of priorities. He doesn't care enough to call or stop by - and I live right next door! Grrrr....

I guess I'm just fooling myself. I should've known that I didn't mean much to him. After all, we just met a few months ago. I'm sure spending time with his family and old friends is a lot more important than giving the girl next door a call.

What a birthday this has turned out to be.

Hmm...just got home from work and Josh's car wasn't outside of his house! I know I'm a weirdo but I wonder where it is! Did his parents take it out? Or did Josh come home to get it? Is he home?

AAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRHHHHHHHHHHHHHHGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!

I need to stop obsessing over this guy! I need to get a life.

Terry was making fun of me this afternoon. We were talking about what a crazy summer it's been and I mentioned Josh and he started laughing. I asked him what was so funny and he told me that I get this funny look on my face whenever I say "Josh." GREAT. Just what I need. I obviously wear my heart on my sleeve.

I told him that I need to get a life and he invited me to hang out with him and his friends tonight. I would have liked to but my parents are going to be here soon. I told him I'll take a rain check.

I have to get ready for my parents. I'm also going to go outside and see if that car is back yet. I'm a woman on a mission. If Josh Anderson is home I'm going to see him!

I closed at the swim club last night. Terry and Jill were with me. I used to think closing was a drag but it's actually kind of fun. The night I closed with Josh was the best though...what is wrong with me? Why can't I get this guy out of my head? It's like I have a one track mind - a Josh track mind.

That's it. I'm not mentioning him again in this post. Josh-talk stops here.

My mom called this morning and said that she and my father are going to fly up for the weekend. They got on a last minute flight and are going to be here this afternoon. They wanted to get away from the hurricane in Florida and since it is a three day weekend and my birthday is tomorrow it made perfect sense. I only wish my mom had left my father behind.

If my mother was coming alone I think I would be able to talk her into a day trip to Manhattan, but my father won't go for it so I'm not even going to bother. He hates cities.

I'm wondering when Molly will be back from her vacation. Her family owns a house in New Jersey at one of the beaches so I'm thinking they'll probably stay down there through the weekend. I wish she would get home though. I need a distraction.

Okay, let me think of what else I can tell you since I can't talk about how much I miss you-know-who...

Well, Lindsay's spirits have improved a lot since Jennifer got back from California. She's still depressed about James but Jennifer has really helped to brighten her up. I'm so grateful for that. I think Lindsay's therapist has helped a great deal as well.

Jennifer got a commercial while she was in LA but no other jobs. She really wants to focus on theater though and is trying to line up some theater auditions in New York. She's also auditioning for some local stuff in New Hope, King of Prussia and Philadelphia. Her guy from LA sounds really cool, but she's bummed because she knows she probably won't see him again unless she moves to California.

Alex has emailed me and called me a million times since this other night ...okay, maybe not a million, but close to it. He wants to make sure I won't tell Molly about his crush on her. I keep reassuring him but he's still worried. I think he should ask her out but he doesn't want to. He says that Molly hardly gives him the time of day.

Aunt Lu is becoming all political all of a sudden. I hear her and Aunt Linda argue about stuff from time to time but I think the convention got her going. We have a sign up in our front yard for Bush now. My father is a big Kerry supporter so I know there will be fireworks when he gets here tonight. I still don't know exactly where I stand, but if the Bush sign ticks off my father than it's made my day! :) (I can't help it, my dad drives me nuts!)

I did watch some of the convention last night with Aunt Lu when I got home from work - mostly because she made me, okay, totally because she made me... It was interesting though. I've never paid much attention before. I still have two years before I can vote so I have time to sort everything out. My mom is pretty middle of the road so maybe I can get her to help me figure it all out.

I talked to Natalie yesterday. I used to have a huge crush on this guy, Tim, from Florida. He asked her out and she wanted to make sure it was okay with me before she started to date him. I told her it was fine. I'm completely over him. I haven't thought about him in months, and I don't think he was ever interested in me anyway.

Well, I did it! I talked about a lot of stuff without mentioning, well, you know...

I need to run. I have to work this afternoon. Last weekend at the swim club. I better enjoy it.

It's been a busy day. Aunt Lu got me up early and we went shopping for some back to school things. I hate to admit it but her music is starting to grow on me a little. She had some song on about how the singer feels like a fool to have fallen in love and how love is not for her. I guess that's how I'm feeling right now. The next song was something like, "everytime we say good-bye I die a little." I can't believe how much I relate to these old songs. Who would've thunk it?

After my morning with Aunt Lu, I went to lunch with Jennifer and Lindsay. Jen had a great summer in LA and met a guy there that she's crazy about - good for me since she won't be thinking about Josh anymore. Lindsay also seemed happier with Jennifer around so I guess it's good that Jen is back.

Not too much else going on. Just the usual...me wishing with all my heart that Josh was still here. I guess that just shows how selfish I am. Shouldn't I want him to be in New York if that's where he wants to be? I'm so torn. I want him to be up there and happy because that's what he wants, and yet, so much of me wants him here so that I can see him. Will I ever get over this guy?

Holy Cow! Alex took me out for ice cream tonight and he told me something I wasn't expecting - he has a huge thing for Molly and he's felt like this for months! How did I miss it?!? I want to ask Molly if she feels the same but I was sworn to secrecy! Grrrr... I can't believe it. They would make such a cute couple.

Alex also told me that Josh has known about his crush since last May but hasn't told anyone.

That's all for now. More tomorrow...

Nic.

I just got home from work. It's boring without Josh and Molly. Even Henry's gone. He started college again, and even though his school is close by, he's finished up for the summer. Terry came in and visited me a for a little while this afternoon. He could tell I was in a grumpy mood and was trying to cheer me up.

Aunt Lu told me to pick a restaurant for my birthday Saturday night. She said she's going to take me out and all I have to do it pick the place. Frankly, I don't care. I'm not in the mood to celebrate. Maybe I'll cheer up by then.

I hate that I miss Josh so much. I hate that I can't let him go. I hate looking out my bedroom window and seeing his window so dark.

I'm so used to looking for his car whenever I get home to see if he's at home. Now I see his car but he's not there. It's just parked there in the driveway waiting for him to return from NY.

Last night I was outside looking up at the stars and wondering where he was and what he was doing and who he was with. I couldn't stop wishing that he would come back home so that we could have a chance. I've never wished so hard for anything in my life. My heart just longs for him so much.

I can't describe how I feel when he's around. There's just so much there. When we're together I feel more alive than I've ever felt in my life. We connect in a way that I've never experienced before... I want him home so bad. I want that connection. I want that chance for something more.

I went to the Anderson's house last night to help Lauren. It was weird being in Josh's house but Lauren was nagging me all day to help her sort out her clothes for school. I think she's nervous about starting high school.

I actually got a chance to talk to her mom for a while. Mrs. Anderson is a career coach and she needs some extra help around the office. She asked me if I'd like to work for her a few days a week after school. I'm so excited - I'll be making some extra money and working for someone that I already know!

She also started talking to me about Josh! She told me that he's staying with his uncle on the Upper East side and that he's having a hard time finding an apartment. She said it's tough getting around up there right now with all of the protestors and he's kind of frustrated. She told me that she wished he would live at home a little longer and commute to school because he only has classes on Monday, Wednesday and Friday. I didn't tell her that I wished the same thing.

Even though I didn't want to go to Josh's house, it turned out to be a good night. There's something about that house... it's warm and there's a lot of love there. It's everything my parent's house never was. Aunt Lu's house is like the Anderson's but there's no family there so I think that's what makes the Anderson's house extra special.

Anyway, I'm still missing Josh but I'm starting to feel a little more upbeat. I'm excited about working for his mom.

Well, speaking of work, I need to get ready to head over to the swim club. The snack bar is awaiting my arrival.