I don't have too much time to blog... I have to go back to the swim club for an hour and then to the dance studio, and then back to the swim club. Things have been hectic with organizing the 4th of July celebration!

So Patrick dumped me. I totally deserved it and I should have been more honest with him about my feelings for Josh. Patrick knows that I still love Josh. I guess I couldn't hide it very well. Patrick was nice about it, but I still feel bad. He deserves better. He deserves someone who will want him and only him.

As expected, Mona paired Josh and me up for the contest. We found out our first dance last night. We are doing swing, which I think is good because Josh already knows how to swing. I just need to pick a song and start the choreography. I told Josh that we're getting up at 6:00 every morning to run. Gotta make sure he's in good shape. He didn't look to happy but he didn't protest.

Okay, that's all for now. I've gotta get back to work!

Hot, humid day = crazy times at the swim club. It was a mad house today. I am exhausted!

Of course, being out late last night didn't help. I was at the dance studio helping out with a Latin class. Afterwards I walked over to Angelo's hoping to catch the end of Josh and Alex's doo-wop act. I was standing in the back hoping that no one would see me when Mona walked in. She saw me right away and walked over. She said something like, "I assume that since you're here, you'll be okay if I pair you up with Josh." I knew that was coming, so I'm glad that Josh and I already talked it over. I told her it was fine.

Tonight I find out for sure if he's going to be my dance partner. Our meeting is in an hour. It's going to be an interesting summer. I want to win this competition and I am going to do everything I can to make sure that I walk away with that trophy!

I went. Did anyone seriously think I wouldn’t?

Well, I guess Josh did. When I got there he looked a little surprised that I had come. I told him I wasn’t sure if I should be there. He said he was glad that I was and I heard myself say, “so am I.” I swear, there are times when words just fall out of my mouth and this particular night was especially bad.

I looked up at him and saw him looking back at me in that way that makes my knees turn to jello and my heart pound a million beats per second. I leaned against the cement wall that surrounds the park for support. He told me that he knew it was wrong to pull me away from my date and said, “it’s just that something happens to me when I see you.” I was thinking to myself play it cool, Nicole. But what I said was, “something happens to me too…I dream about you almost every night.”

As soon as I said it I wanted to turn around and bang my head against the cement wall! So much for playing it cool! But he surprised me when he said, “I dream about you too.” I was so stunned I just said, “you do?” He nodded and said, “yeah, but sometimes I wish I didn’t. It just makes it harder. Harder to get through the day, harder to not be with you.”

I should have asked him if he still wanted to be with me, but that’s when my brain realized it should put up some sort of filter and my words were no longer dropping off my lips. Instead I told him that things were so tangled up and I don’t know how to unravel them.

It was so fast, but I think I saw disappointment flash across his face before he nodded and said, “I don’t want to look back on us a few years from now and think, Nicole is a girl I once knew. I don’t want us to be strangers. I hate not having you in my life. I hate being just your neighbor or your co-worker. We’ve been through so much. We’ve laughed at each other’s stupid jokes and cried in each other’s arms. How can we be strangers?”

I told him what makes it so hard is that I have shared such an intimate part of myself with him. But he wasn’t letting me go. He kept saying, “but we have to start somewhere.” I just looked at him and he said, “Lets do the dance competition. I’m your key to that trophy. None of those other guys is going to have the same chemistry with you that I have, and you know Mona is going to pair us up. It will be good. We’ll get be partners, we’ll be in each other’s lives.”

I frowned knowing how hard it would be to get that close to him again – especially if Patrick and Tanya are in the picture. I started trying to explain it to him, all the while knowing that he was right. He would win me that competition - and I really want to win that competition!

So I came up with an idea… and we made a pact: No discussion of romance. No romantic gestures. No talk of love lives in any way, shape or form. No talk of people we’re dating, have crushes on, etc. The competition would be friendly but professional and we would conduct ourselves under those rules at all times.

He agreed. So if Mona assigns us to work together Josh and I will be dance partners. I won’t fight it.

OMG, just got back from my date with Patrick. Things did not go as expected...

Patrick and I walked in to the restaurant and I felt like someone was watching me so I did a quick look around and sure enough, there were Josh and Tanya sitting across the room. He smiled at me and I smiled back. Patrick was talking about his day, and of course I was completely distracted. I was trying to listen but I couldn’t stay focused on what he was saying.

Patrick started to complain that our waiter hadn’t come over but I couldn’t help but continue to glance over at Josh and Tanya. I saw Tanya get up from the table and I looked to see if Josh would look at me but he was busy messing with his phone. I sighed and sat back trying to force myself to concentrate on Patrick and then my phone rang. My heart suddenly went into overdrive because I knew it was Josh.

I told Patrick I had to get it and pretended it was Natalie calling. He got up from the table to find our waitress and I turned to look at Josh. All I remember saying is, “Are you out of your mind? I’m on a date!” He just laughed and said, “yeah, I could tell you were real into whatever he was going on about.” I had no response to that so I just said, “you’re on a date!”

So then Josh says, “if you’re so into him why were you looking at me?” I just sat there wondering when Josh got so much nerve. So I asked him why he was looking back, and he smiled at me and said, “how could I not look at the most beautiful woman in the restaurant?” At this point I knew he had me. And once I got over the sheer audacity of the phone call, I had to admit to myself that I was thrilled that he had called.

I remembered then that I was on a date with Patrick and looked around for him. Josh chimed back in and told me to call it an early evening with Patrick and meet him at the park. My head was thinking “no way,” but my heart was screaming, “Do it! Do it! Do it!” I told Josh that I couldn’t do that, but all he said was, “Patrick’s on his way back to the table so we should hang up now. I’ll see you at the park at 10:00.”

So I ate a quick dinner with Patrick and then told him I had to get home to call Nat back because she’s in crisis. Now I’m sitting at home, writing this blog, looking at the clock and wondering, do I meet Josh at the park?

I spent the weekend with Natalie. We spent all Friday night and Saturday painting the townhouse. Amanda came over Friday night to help us. We had a lot of fun, even though the work was tedious. But I couldn't stop thinking about Josh and seeing him in his play. I felt really bad about not being there. Finally, around 3:00 yesterday afternoon, Natalie was so tired of hearing me talk about it that she decided we were going to go see it.

So last night we saw the show. It was really good and not as weird as I thought it would be to see Josh and Tanya together on stage. He was good - great during the songs - but Tanya really stole the show. She has an amazing soprano voice.

After the show we went out back with Jason (who was also there...I'm wondering if that's why Nat wanted to go...). Jennifer came out first and we talked to her for a little while. She said that she was glad that I was there. A few minutes later Josh walked out. He smiled at me and said, "You came!" And then he gave me a hug, which was totally unexpected, but really amazing. I feel a lot better about things. I think that showing up for him will officially thaw the ice.

I'm going out with Patrick tonight. I think I need to break things off with him. It seems only fair. My head, my heart, are so obviously with Josh. I don't think it's right to continue to see him.

We had CPR training for some of the camp counselors this morning. Henry asked Josh and me if we could get along long enough to help out. We both agreed but tried to keep our distance for most of it. Our plan was successful until we got to the Heimlich maneuver. The instructor asked us to demonstrate the positioning for it! My heart was pounding because I knew that it would involve Josh touching me, and because I wasn’t sure how I would handle that. I was petrified that he’d touch me and I’d get goosebumps and it would give me away. We exchanged an awkward look and then agreed to do it.

Luckily it wasn’t too bad. He just stood behind me and put his arms around me, and even though there was a moment where I wanted to melt into him, I held it together pretty well.

After the class was over, we were walking back to the office and he said, “You’ve changed your shampoo.” In my head I was thinking, He smelt my hair! He smelt my hair! What does that mean?

I wish I knew what to do. I wish I knew what he wants. I wish I had pulled him away from everyone else last week before things got so messed up and talked to him. I want him in my life. I just don’t know how to be around him. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do or how to act. I just know that he’s important to me, and I don’t want to fight anymore.

I'm heading off to New Jersey now to spend the weekend with Natalie. We are going to start painting the house so it's going to be a busy weekend.

Last night was sign-up night for our dance competition. I had to work at the swim club so I didn’t get there until after nine o’clock. When I got there I was going through the applications with Mona. I saw a few familiar names…Jennifer, Tanya and JOSH! I couldn’t believe he would sign up. I know Mona and I know that she’s going to assign him to be my dance partner because she wants to play cupid – and that is the last thing I need right now! I’m trying to get over him!

So this morning I decided I was going to let him have it. I walked up to him and told him to withdraw his name. We started arguing and Henry came out and told us to get in his office. He lectured us about our behavior, told us we were being immature, and alluded to the fact that if Josh weren’t the owner’s nephew and I wasn’t close to the Anderson family, we would both be fired. Then he looked at me and said, “It’s a good thing you’re going away this weekend. It will give you both a chance to cool down.”

We walked out of his office and Josh was like, “You’re going away this weekend?” I nodded, not really paying attention to him. I kept thinking about what Henry said and then I realized that Josh looked hurt. I asked him what was wrong and he said that he thought I would be there to see him in “West Side Story.” He walked out and I felt even worse. After all the arguments and things we’ve said, he still expected me to be there for him, and I was planning not to.

Got an email from Josh last night. He wrote: “I looked up the lyrics to that song. Do we need to talk?”

AAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!

God, he is so presumptuous – and egotistical – to think the song had anything to do with him (even though it did… but that’s another story!). So I called him and told him that I think he’s full of himself. We started yelling at each other over the phone and then he got quiet.

I sat there for a second and he said, “It is about me. That’s why you are so defensive.” I wanted to jump through the phone and ring his neck. I looked out my window and saw him standing in his room looking back at me. Then he said, “Do you really think that I haven’t felt anything? That I haven’t mourned for you? That my heart hasn’t broken for you?”

I told him that it looked like he had moved on pretty darn easily with Tanya. He gave me a look that I could see all the way from my bedroom, and said, “What are you talking about?” I told him about the kiss and he started to laugh and said, “What you saw was Tony kissing Maria – not Josh kissing Tanya. We were rehearsing for the play.”

Then I told him that it doesn’t matter anyway because I’m dating Patrick and it’s none of my business. He gave me a “whatever” and then we hung up the phone. I collapsed on my bed, feel overwhelmed by the number of emotions hitting me at once. I was furious with him for being so full of himself. I was happy because now I know that his heart has broken for me. I was embarrassed about screaming at him about Tanya. And I was satisfied knowing that Tanya is a co-star and nothing more.

Thankfully, I only saw him from afar today. I worked this morning, came home for the afternoon and then I head back to work the evening hours. He'll be gone by the time I go back. After work I'm stopping by the dance studio to see Mona and go over the applications for the dance contest. I can't wait to get started.

Tomorrow night I'm going out with Patrick and then on Friday I'm heading to New Jersey to spend the weekend with Natalie at her new house! I can't wait to see it!

I saw Josh in town yesterday afternoon talking to Nancy. Nancy! The girl was horrible to me. She kept Josh and I apart for months with her lies and he was talking to her! Unbelievable. Can't he find a better girl? Somewhere? Anywhere?

He saw me and said hello. I looked at him, then at her, and then back to him and said, "I had no idea the pool of women in this town was so shallow." Then I walked away. Nancy looked ticked, but you know what? I don't care. She's a manipulator and a liar.

He came into the office at the swim club this morning and started giving me a hard time about being mean to Nancy! He never stood up for me like that, but he’ll go to bat for her! I am so mad!

Then he comes in later in this morning, and I was listening to “Cry” and he goes, “what’s with you and that song?” I just gave him a look and walked away. Do I owe him an explanation about the songs I listen to now?

And the skunk is out and about again. No one else has been sprayed, but I could smell it again after lunch. I wish we could figure out where the critter is!

Faith Hill's song "Cry" has been in my head for the past two days. It kind of describes how I feel. I just wish Josh felt bad about us not being together. I know he did back in April, but now it's like he's moved on without a second thought. I just want him to think of me and miss me, and "cry just a little for me." Is that too much to ask? I've given him my heart and three years of my life and I'm barely 19!

I feel like I've been travelling on this long road of ups and downs and then all of a sudden I hit a dead end, but Josh's road continued. He's moved on. He's put us behind him. I want to do the same but I'm stuck here trying to figure out what to do next. Where do I go now?

I'm trying to put my energy into other things. Today was the first day of camp so I was at work all day yesterday preparing. Things went off well this morning and then I met up with Jen and Lauren to talk about the 4th of July. I also met up with Kevin (counselor of the tennis camp) and played tennis with him. Natalie and I used to play all the time so it was fun to get back out on the court. I just need to refocus myself so that I'm not thinking about Josh.

I'm going to ask Henry if I can have off this weekend to go spend some time with Natalie as she and her dad close on the townhouse in New Jersey. I'm not sure if Henry will go for it, but I'm keeping my fingers crossed. It will be good to get away from here, and from Josh.

Damn that man! Damn him! I wish I had never laid eyes on him! And to think I was going to talk to him about us getting back together!

Last night when I got home from closing the swim club, I saw Josh's car parked out front so I thought maybe I should talk to him. I decided to change first so I was walking into the house when I heard Josh's voice out back. I thought I'd walk over and see him but as I got to the back of his house I saw him standing there kissing Tanya.

So that's the end of that. He's moved on, and I am moving on. I have Patrick, who is a great guy, and I've been blowing it with him because I had some romantic notion that Josh and I are soul mates.

Seriously, does that even exist? Maybe that kind of love is just what romance novels and chick flicks are made of. Maybe none of it was ever real.

I'm done thinking about him. I'm done wanting him. I am going out with Patrick tonight and I am going to thank my lucky stars that he came into my life. He's smart, funny, adorable and he hasn't broken my heart!

Last night after swing class Mona asked me to go next door to Angelo's with her. All of the dance instructors like it because they have a dance floor and live music every night. Mona hadn't been there yet so she wanted to check it out. I really didn't want to go because I knew Josh was singing with the doo-wop group, and I wanted to continue with my day without guy troubles. But it's kind of hard to turn down your boss so I went.

We walked in and the moment we sat down my eyes locked with Josh's. I gave a little wave and he nodded from the stage. I tried to seem casual but in my head I kept thinking "What am I doing here? He's going to think I'm following him around! Does he want me here? Does he even care at this point?"

Mona was looking around and commenting how great it was. The atmosphere, the music, and opportunity for dancing were big pluses for Mona and she kept telling our waitress how great everything was. It was a little overboard.

The guys took a break and Josh actually walked over to say "hi" to us. He was friendly, but I can't help but feel that he was there more for Mona than for me. Mona was asking him about the place when Angelo himself came out. He had heard how much Mona liked the restaurant. At this point Josh walked off and I didn't even get to talk to him. I wanted to follow after him and have the conversation that we so desperately need to have, but it would have been impolite to get up and leave and I didn't want to be rude to Angelo.

I was looking around the place and was amazed at how many people were there and really loving the music. I had no idea that doo-wop had such a following. I was talking to Aunt Lu about it this morning, because I'm surprised how much I like the music too. She said that doo-wop has a big following in this part of the country, and that I like it because good music is good music whether it's old or new. Such and Aunt Lu thing to say. :)

Anyway, the last song of the evening is the one that I love, "This I Swear." I could feel my heart turn over in my chest as Josh started to sing it. "My love for you will last till time itself is through..." I love this song! I'm so afraid to download it because I'm sure I'll sit around listening to it and fantasizing that he'll sing it to me. Still, I have this urge to go downstairs and search through Aunt Lu's music collection for it.

Josh took off as soon as they were finished so I didn't get to talk to him. I got home, pulled up in front of the house and looked longingly at his window. His car was there but his room was dark so I knew we wouldn't be having any conversations. Am I ever going to get a chance to talk to him? Or should I just let it go and get on with my life?

I've come up with my theme for the 4th of July celebration: American Popular Culture of the last 100 years. I wanted to do something Americana but I also wanted to make it fun. I thought we could set up booths with toys and games from the past few decades. We'll have a hoola hoop contest for the 50's and we're going to get rubik's cube key chains to give out as a prize for the 80's.

Molly and I already produced a show based on the history of American Popular Music so we're going to recreate that with the people at the swim club. Plus, it will give the kids more opportunity to get involved. Instead of all the lifeguards and counselors singing, we're going to incorporate dance and quick monologues about the type of music we're representing. You know, one of the kids can get up and say, "The year was 1956 when the first Rock n Roll song hit #1 on the Billboard Charts. The song: Rock Around The Clock." And then the music can start and we can have a dance or the guys can sing. It will be fun, and educational.

My goal is to make this the best 4th of July Celebration the club has ever seen. I am all over this. Lauren and Jennifer are my assistants this summer so I've asked them to meet with me on Monday to get the ball rolling on this project. It's going to be so much fun!

Last night I went dancing with J.D. We had a really good time. I haven't had a chance to really dance like that since I hurt my ankle. And J.D. is an amazing dancer. Too bad he's gay. :(

Like I need another guy in my life! I already have guy trouble up to my eye balls, and I'm sure it won't be long until I'm in way over my head. I have the guy that I love, who is acting like a complete bonehead right now. And I have the one that I want to love, who is amazing, and who I know I'm not being fair to.

Today has been a Josh and Patrick free day so far, and I have to say that I'm pretty happy about it. I don't feel guilty, or angry with myself, or annoyed that I don't have more control over my feelings. Today is just a good day of not dealing with either one of them. Tonight I'm working at the dance studio which helps to keep me on a path free of both of them. It's good to have a day...a day to myself. Lord knows I have a lot to sort out.

I got to work this morning and was instantly hit but the smell of skunk. Not good.

I walked into the office and Josh looked up at me and smiled! Yes, SMILED! I said hello and we started talking about the skunk. The whole time I'm thinking to myself that the ice has melted, and I'm partly wondering why and at the same time, just glad that he's acting like a normal person.

The rest of the morning was pretty good. It was cool out so there weren't any swimmers coming by. We worked on a plan for the next CPR training. We want to make sure that all of the camp counselors know CPR and how to use the AEDs. Since a lot of them are still in school, we have to work out a second training session. We also talked about the skunk and the 4th of July celebration. I get to pick the theme this year - except I have no idea what to do! :(

After our meeting I was surfing the web for themes when my cell rang. It was J.D. calling to see if I want to go dancing tonight. I was talking to him when Patrick stopped by to see me. I hung up the phone and Patrick was like, "going dancing with another man, huh?" Josh smirked and said, "get used to it, man." I gave Josh a look and then explained to Patrick that J.D. and I teach dance together and we've become friendly and that J.D. is gay so he's no threat (and the irony is that the real threat to me and Patrick was sitting there, rolling his eyes and listening to the whole conversation). Patrick just smiled and told me that he was just joking...and I knew he was but I was defensive because of Josh. Patrick asked if I wanted to go out tomorrow night but I can't because I'm helping to teach a swing class. I told him I'd call him tonight. I wanted him out of there because I could see the ice forming on Josh all over again.

The rest of the afternoon was Arctic again. Josh was grumpy and distant and I felt weird all over. I wanted to talk to him about this but Tanya stopped by. She was hanging all over him and it was my turn to feel bad.

This has got to stop.

There are times when living next door to the man who has your heart is wonderful. You know, when you're first falling for him, or when you're dating. There are also times when living next door to the man who has your heart really sucks. This is one of those times that really sucks.

I hate looking for his car every time I get home or go out. I hate looking to see if his bedroom light is on. I hate wondering where he is or who he's with. And it's especially hard when he window is directly across from mine. Although, he's had his blinds closed for several days now...part of him freezing me out.

We had a CPR workshop at work today for some of the lifeguards. Josh didn't say a word to me the whole time. Our eyes met a few times throughout the morning but he'd just look away and try to ignore me. Instead he spent all of his time talking to Laura. (Eye roll).

He was just as cold last night. Molly and I had just gotten home and we were standing on the street talking by her car when he pulled up. He got out of the car said hello (more to Molly than to me) and then took off to the house.

It's so annoying. And to think I was going to talk to him about us getting back together! I've never seen him like this. He is acting like such a big baby. I can't stand it. I wish he could just act normal long enough for me to talk to him. Enough is enough - tomorrow I'm talking to him and he's going to listen and stop acting like an idiot!

I went to Angelo's last night with Lindsay and Jennifer. I had the full intention of talking to Josh to try to gage if he'd be interested in giving us another try, but things just didn't work out.

He was on stage when we got there. We sat down and it was about 45 minutes before their first break. Alex came over to our table but Josh disappeared out back. I figured he had to do something and then he'd come over and say hello, but he never came out. I wondered if he hadn't seen us, but the place isn't that big and we were in the center, fairly close to the stage. Plus, Alex had seen us so I knew Josh had to have seen us.

They went back on stage for their next set, and another 40 minutes went by before they took another break. I got up from the table and pretended that I was going to use the restroom so that I could grab him before he disappeared but he beelined it straight for the men's room before I ever had a chance. I went into the women's room and gave myself a pep talk and then walked out. He was at the bar so I walked over to say hello. He said hello but was really distant. I stood there for a minute while he talked to the bartender. Then I told him to stop by our table.

I went back to the table and he took his time and coming over. When he did he mostly talked to Jen and Lindsay. I was really annoyed and decided to take off once they got back on stage. I went home, called Amanda and ranted for an hour about what a jerk he was. Then she told me that she thinks he was only acting that way because he was hurt that I'm seeing Patrick. That made sense so I decided I'd try again today.

I went over to the swim club even though I wasn't working. I decided I'd swim some laps and use that as my excuse for being there. Well, I got there and told Josh that I was going to use the upper level pool and he started giving me grief! He kept saying, "we're going to have to put a guard up there if you're going to use it."

I told him that I'm a lifeguard now and I can swim on my own but he kept arguing with me. Henry finally came out of his office to find out what the problem was. I was so aggravated at this point that I didn't want to talk to Josh about us getting back together. My feelings for him at that point were utter annoyance and frustration.

Henry told Josh to go up to the pool with me and sit in the lifeguard chair while I swam my laps. Josh was pissed off, I was annoyed and embarrassed, but also happy that Josh wasn't getting his way. He was acting like such a big baby. I swam laps for about a half hour and then I came home. I thanked him as I got out of the pool but didn't talk to him about us. I wasn't in the mood, and I'm pretty sure he was too mad at me to have a normal conversation.

Yesterday was our Orientation for the camp counselors. Josh was in the office when I got to work and he kind of blew me off. I tried to shake it off but I was annoyed. Despite everything, he's usually friendly and nice to me so I thought it was weird. At lunch I mentioned it to Molly and she told me it was probably because she told him about Patrick.

I was conflicted. Part of me was glad Josh was kind of upset about Patrick, but the other part of me was mad at Molly for telling him. She told me that Josh was going to a party with Adam that night and Adam wanted Josh to know so that things wouldn't be weird. I guess he didn't want Josh to find out at the party.

Last night Amanda slept over. We sat outside listening to music and talking about guys. I told her that I can't seem to stop thinking about Josh. I told her that I want to be with Patrick, but I feel so guilty about the fact that Josh is the one in my dreams and in my thoughts. She said, "You should be with the one you love."

I've been thinking about it all day. It seems so wise, so easy...but what if he doesn't want to be with me? I mean, we already decided that we couldn't make it work. Amanda says I should talk to him. I just don't know...

This morning we went strawberry picking. I didn't realize how good fresh picked strawberries are. They taste so much better when you pick them yourself. When we were finished, Amanda headed back to New Jersey and I came home and just loafed around. It's nice to have a day off. I've needed it. I have tomorrow off too. If I can get up the nerve, I might go to Angelo's tonight to see Josh and Alex sing. Maybe Josh and I can talk...I'm just not sure I'll have the guts to talk to him.

I had dinner with Jennifer last night. She cleared some things up for me in regards to Laura and Josh. Jen told me that Laura had gone to Josh and told him that she had feelings for him. He told her that he wasn't ready to get involved with anyone. She told him she'd wait and he told her not to! (Love it!) Anyway, Josh went and enrolled in the semester abroad program and Laura decided to sign up too. Laura told Jen that she figured once they were away in a foreign country, she was sure Josh would have a change of heart. He must have figured that's why she signed up because he had another talk with her and explained that they were just friends. Jen told me that she was sick of all of this Laura and Josh stuff because Laura just didn't seem to get it. I know I shouldn't care, but I feel a bit vindicated.

Of course, there's Tanya. Jen is in "West Side Story" with them and she said that the attraction seems one sided. She said that Tanya looks at Josh like he's Prince Charming but he treats her like a pal.

I keep telling myself that I shouldn't care about any of this but I can't help it. I'm not ready to deal with Josh being with another girl. I think about the way he used to look at me. I can't bear the thought of him looking at another girl that way. And I know I'm such a hypocrite because I have Patrick, but it's just too much for me. The idea of Josh holding someone else's hand or kissing someone else is horrible...

I woke up early this morning after a weird dream...about Josh, of course. I had this dream where I kept saying, "Josh, I'm with you. I'm always with you - even when I'm not." I just kept saying this over and over. But the weird thing is that when I got to work this morning he was sitting in the office and when he saw me walk in he had a strange look on his face. I asked him if everything was okay and he said, "I just remembered a weird dream I had last night." I'm sure the dream was about me, so we're both dreaming about each other.

I have a confession to make. I snuck into the back of Angelo's last night after dance. I was walking to my car and I heard the music and recognized Josh's voice. I walked in and stood in the back to listen to him sing that song, "This I Swear."

Wow. This is really bad, isn't it? I am not supposed to be feeling this way. I am not supposed to be doing these things. I should not be getting gossip about him. I shouldn't be dreaming about him. I shouldn't be hiding in dark corners of a restaurant listening to him sing while hoping to God that he doesn't see me.

I'm supposed to go out with Patrick tonight and I feel so bad. I should be focused on him, or not dating him. I was so in to Patrick, and then I saw Josh again and now I can't focus. My head says, "Patrick." But my heart keeps calling out for Josh.

Today was a lot of fun. I was at work all day but I had a good time. We had students from one of the middle schools at the club today. We had a big barbecue for them and they swam and played games. Terry, Molly and I helped with the food. We had a good time catching up and talking. Terry thought it was hysterical when I told him about Elise and how she refused to get acclimated to Eastern Time.

After lunch I helped out as a lifeguard. It was my first time putting my new certification to use. It was pretty uneventful. I think I'd be bored if I had to stand there all day. Terry had a super soaker that he kept using to squirt me from the other side of the pool. It was really unfair since I had nothing to get him back with. That's why it was so satisfying later in the day when I pushed him into the pool... after the kids left, of course. :)

I didn't spend much time with Josh. He was guarding the pool the whole time, and it worked out that we were at different pools when I was guarding. It was good, because he would have been a distraction for me. I only saw him at the end of the day when I went into the office and saw him talking to Laura about England. It turns out that they are both spending the fall semester abroad in England.

I guess I could be upset about it, but you know what? He's not my boyfriend anymore, and I need to forget about him. I'm seeing Patrick, and this summer is for me to enjoy. I refuse to spend it feeling bad because I'm not with Josh. I refuse to sit around speculating about whether he's dating Laura or whether he's dating Tanya. Josh is just a guy that I work with now. That's all there is to it.

I should get going. I'm having an early dinner with Jennifer before heading over to the dance studio. J.D. asked me if I'd help out with a swing class that he teaches Thursday nights.

I had a dream about Josh last night. I wasn't even aware of it until I walked in to work earlier and saw him sitting there. The dream came flooding back to me. I started blushing the minute I saw him. It was one of those moments where you want to crawl back into bed and hide all day - except that I don't want to do that because I don't want to have any more dreams about him!

When I sat down, he started telling me that the skunk was still around because he could smell it when he got there this morning. He said he was going to try to find someone who could trap it because we don't want to risk having another kid get sprayed - or worse: bitten by a rabid animal! Now I'm on edge every time I have to walk outside the swim area because I'm afraid of coming face to (raised!) tail with a skunk.

We also had a meeting with Henry this afternoon. Tomorrow and Friday are going to be busy days. We have kids coming from the local middle schools for an end of the school year pool party. We had to work out some logistics. It sounds like it's going to be hectic.

Now things are quiet. Josh is gone for the day and Henry went out to pick up some equipment for tomorrow. I'm just covering the office. If only it could always be this quiet. No ex-boyfriends, no ex-boyfriends' wanna-be-girlfriends, and no skunks!

Alex invited me to go bowling last night after work. It was fun to catch up. It's been so long since Alex and I got to hang out. We went to Starbucks afterwards and ran into Josh and Tanya there. I was shocked to see Josh out and about the same day he had his wisdom teeth out. I figured he'd be home resting. You wouldn't have even known that he had had oral surgery. It's so annoying. How can someone be so perfect all of the time?

The thing is that I'm actually glad things weren't that bad for Josh. I think I'm just frustrated because he was out with Tanya. I need to get over this. This is not what I want to be focused on. I do not want to be thinking about Josh.

Patrick stopped by the swim club this afternoon while I was working and brought me lunch. It was so sweet and I realized that I should be putting my energy into making things work with him. We had such a good time getting to know each other on our road trip and I was absolutely crazy about him. I just let myself start thinking about Josh again and I can't let that continue. Anyway, I'm going to go out with Patrick Friday night. I think we're going to have dinner and then go to a movie or something.

Well, that's all for now.

I'm still thinking about Tanya and her questions about Josh. I can't believe she thinks that she can step in and take my place. I know that Josh loved me. How can she think that she'd be able to recreate that like it was no big deal?

I just don't understand how she could even ask me how I won over his heart? What am I supposed to do...give her a few tips and then he'll just fall in love with her? Not to mention, that it completely minimizes what Josh and by summing up our relationship with a few sentences. I know I should stop thinking about it, but I can't get it out of my head.

This day sucks. Josh is off getting his wisdom teeth out and Henry has today off, so I'm in charge of the swim club today. I got here and the scent of skunk was everywhere. I couldn't find the critter, but I'm on edge that he'll find me and I'll be bathing in tomato juice again.

It was rainy and cold most of the day. Laura was sitting in the office with me asking me what I think about Tanya. She was annoying me so much that I told her to go home. No one was at the club swimming so there was no need for her to be there. Of course now it's sunny and I'm short staffed. Grrr...

Friday night I went out with my friends to see Josh and Alex sing. I got there a little late and sat down at the table with Molly, Lindsay, Lauren, Jennifer, Laura and Tanya (Josh's co-star). It was very weird sitting there with Laura since she obviously has a thing for Josh. And Tanya seemed really in to him too. It made me really uncomfortable.

The worst part of it was that one of the songs they sang was "I Only Have Eyes For You." Josh sang that song to me two Valentine's Days ago so watching him sing it was really hard. I actually got up from the table to use the restroom. I just couldn't sit there. Molly came in and started talking about Patrick to get my mind off of Josh. I finally decided that I had to suck it up and stop feeling sorry for myself over something that ended a long time ago.

I went back out to the table and I saw J.D. - one of the ballroom instructors from the dance studio - and he asked if I wanted to dance. We got up and did the East Coast Swing to one of the songs. Soon everyone was up and dancing, and I forgot about Josh's song. By the end of the night I was actually having fun...until the last song. I had never heard it before, but now I can't get it out of my head. Josh sang it, and it just pulled on my heart. It's called "This I Swear" by The Skyliners and now it's haunting me. He sounded so good and I just sat there wishing he was singing it to me. I can't believe I still feel this way about him! I'm supposed to be past this!

As I was leaving, Josh followed me out to the parking lot and said he hoped it wasn't weird for me when he sang "I Only Have Eyes For You." I told him it was fine and I wanted to get into my car and get out of there, but I noticed he winced in pain. I asked him if he was okay and he told me it was the wisdom teeth and I found myself wanting to comfort him again!

This is not good. I should have known that the minute he came back into my life, I'd want him again. I was so happy on the road trip. I was crazy about Patrick and now I'm back to thinking about Josh! I hate this.

But that's not the worst. On Saturday, Josh called out sick because he was in so much pain with his teeth. I was working in the office when Tanya stopped by. She wanted to see Josh but once she found out he wasn't there, she pulled a chair up to my desk and asked if we could talk one-on-one. She said that she wasn't going to talk to me about this, but since Molly told her I was dating Patrick, she figured it would be okay. So the big question was about Josh. She wanted to know what I did to get to his heart!

She wanted to know what qualities he looks for in a girl, and she kept asking me "what did you do to get him to think of you that way?" I didn't want to be impolite, but seriously!?!?!?!?!? I didn't know what to tell her. She made me feel like what Josh and I had could just be recreated - that I could be replaced in his heart. I'm so annoyed. I just can't stop thinking about it. I would be really disappointed if I thought Josh felt that way.

I just got home from work. Not too much going on there. It's going to be quiet until school lets out. I actually worked with Josh today. The poor guy was in agonizing pain. One of his wisdom teeth are acting up so he's having them taken out on Monday. It was so weird. Part of me wanted to walk over to him, put my arms around him and comfort him like I used to. Then the other part of me kept saying, "that's not your job anymore." It's so weird.

Tonight I'm going out with my friends to see Alex and Josh's doo-wop group sing at this new Italian restaurant in town. It's right behind the dance studio so at least it's convenient. I'm going to go over there to meet with Mona about our "Dancing Like The Stars" competition for the summer. We have to start advertising it and getting dancers lined up.

Well, that's all for now. I don't have much to say but I wanted to make up for the lack of posting over the past two weeks!