I had dinner with Jennifer last night. She cleared some things up for me in regards to Laura and Josh. Jen told me that Laura had gone to Josh and told him that she had feelings for him. He told her that he wasn't ready to get involved with anyone. She told him she'd wait and he told her not to! (Love it!) Anyway, Josh went and enrolled in the semester abroad program and Laura decided to sign up too. Laura told Jen that she figured once they were away in a foreign country, she was sure Josh would have a change of heart. He must have figured that's why she signed up because he had another talk with her and explained that they were just friends. Jen told me that she was sick of all of this Laura and Josh stuff because Laura just didn't seem to get it. I know I shouldn't care, but I feel a bit vindicated.

Of course, there's Tanya. Jen is in "West Side Story" with them and she said that the attraction seems one sided. She said that Tanya looks at Josh like he's Prince Charming but he treats her like a pal.

I keep telling myself that I shouldn't care about any of this but I can't help it. I'm not ready to deal with Josh being with another girl. I think about the way he used to look at me. I can't bear the thought of him looking at another girl that way. And I know I'm such a hypocrite because I have Patrick, but it's just too much for me. The idea of Josh holding someone else's hand or kissing someone else is horrible...

I woke up early this morning after a weird dream...about Josh, of course. I had this dream where I kept saying, "Josh, I'm with you. I'm always with you - even when I'm not." I just kept saying this over and over. But the weird thing is that when I got to work this morning he was sitting in the office and when he saw me walk in he had a strange look on his face. I asked him if everything was okay and he said, "I just remembered a weird dream I had last night." I'm sure the dream was about me, so we're both dreaming about each other.

I have a confession to make. I snuck into the back of Angelo's last night after dance. I was walking to my car and I heard the music and recognized Josh's voice. I walked in and stood in the back to listen to him sing that song, "This I Swear."

Wow. This is really bad, isn't it? I am not supposed to be feeling this way. I am not supposed to be doing these things. I should not be getting gossip about him. I shouldn't be dreaming about him. I shouldn't be hiding in dark corners of a restaurant listening to him sing while hoping to God that he doesn't see me.

I'm supposed to go out with Patrick tonight and I feel so bad. I should be focused on him, or not dating him. I was so in to Patrick, and then I saw Josh again and now I can't focus. My head says, "Patrick." But my heart keeps calling out for Josh.