We had CPR training for some of the camp counselors this morning. Henry asked Josh and me if we could get along long enough to help out. We both agreed but tried to keep our distance for most of it. Our plan was successful until we got to the Heimlich maneuver. The instructor asked us to demonstrate the positioning for it! My heart was pounding because I knew that it would involve Josh touching me, and because I wasn’t sure how I would handle that. I was petrified that he’d touch me and I’d get goosebumps and it would give me away. We exchanged an awkward look and then agreed to do it.

Luckily it wasn’t too bad. He just stood behind me and put his arms around me, and even though there was a moment where I wanted to melt into him, I held it together pretty well.

After the class was over, we were walking back to the office and he said, “You’ve changed your shampoo.” In my head I was thinking, He smelt my hair! He smelt my hair! What does that mean?

I wish I knew what to do. I wish I knew what he wants. I wish I had pulled him away from everyone else last week before things got so messed up and talked to him. I want him in my life. I just don’t know how to be around him. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do or how to act. I just know that he’s important to me, and I don’t want to fight anymore.

I'm heading off to New Jersey now to spend the weekend with Natalie. We are going to start painting the house so it's going to be a busy weekend.