I'm sitting out on Molly's roof deck enjoying a nice day at the beach. Yesterday was hectic with packing and moving. Last night Josh, Nat, Jason, Amanda and I went out for dinner at the Macaroni Grill to unwind. It was fun and a nice way to start off our weekend.

This morning we got up and drove down to Molly's beach house. It's a packed house. Jennifer, Alex (he's driving down from Connecticut tonight), Lauren, Amanda, Natalie, Kelly, Jason, Lindsay, Terry (Linds & Ter are driving out from State College this afternoon), Tom, Adam, Adam's girlfriend, me and Josh are all here, plus Henry is coming down on Sunday. I'm still trying to figure out where everyone is going to sleep. All I know is that I've claimed my bed for the weekend!

Once Alex, Linday and Terry get here we're going to go out to dinner. I think we might drive over to the boardwalk later. I love to play ski ball and eat boardwalk junk food. It's one of the great things about the Jersey shore. I figure I deserve some ice cream and cotton candy. I was so good during that dance competition because I didn't want to drag my energy down with junk food. So now it's time to make up for it. :)

We are going to have my birthday dinner on Sunday night so that Henry can help celebrate. I'm looking forward to it but I'm trying to enjoy every moment of this weekend, because once it's over reality sets in. It's back to school. It's good-bye to Josh.

We still haven't talked about that. He's tried a time or two but I just can't talk about it yet. I want to live in denial a little bit longer. Is that too much to ask? I hate the thought of him leaving...especially now that things between us are so blissfully good...

It's early morning and I'm sitting in my room surrounded by stuff. I hate packing. I don't know where to put anything, how to organize anything, and this blog is just making it easy for me to procrastinate even more. I know I have to get this done. Josh is coming over at 10:00 to drive with me to New Jersey and I am so not ready.

Last night was my last night at the swim club. Josh came over and helped me close because the girl that was supposed to close with me got sick. I wanted to swim and he wanted to go out. I told him that it will be our last chance for a late night swim at the club. He told me that I was crazy. He is convinced that we'll be back at the swim club again. I just don't know... I feel like it's an end of an era.

Maybe I'm clinging to things because I'm freaked out about him leaving for England. Things are finally so good between us. We've had an amazing summer and he's finally back in my life, and now I'm supposed to let him go? How can I do that? What if he goes to England and meets someone else? What if he decides our relationship isn't that important to him? ARRRGGGHHHHHH!!! I need to chill out.

Okay, must go pack and stop obsessing over what ifs...

It's my last night at the swim club. I thought I'd be excited about the weekend but I'm sad. I keep looking around and thinking that this is the end of something. I don't think next summer is going to be the same. Henry is working on getting a full time job. Josh is graduating next spring so he probably won't be back and a lot of my friends are talking about summer internships for next year. It's sad to think that next year this place will be filled with all new faces. :(

Anyway, my date with Josh was good. We went to a nice restaurant in Philadelphia and then walked along Penn's Landing afterwards. It was interesting...he told me that he was worried I was going to tell him that it wasn't going to work out between us. I thought something weird was going on with him, but I never would have guessed that he was worried. It never entered my mind, but I guess after the way we ended things in April I can understand why he was worried. I told him that things are different this time. We've spent the past two months getting to know each other all over again. We have worked through all the stuff from the past and we've ended up in a much better place.

After our conversation things were much more relaxed and we've been hanging out together pretty much every moment that we're not at work. Oh, and last night he was so sweet. I had told him on Sunday night that I missed dancing with him. So last night we were hanging out on his back patio and he put on music and danced with me. It was so romantic with the stars and that amazing moon that was out. I keep asking myself how I got so lucky...

Tomorrow Josh is going to help me move a lot of my things to Nat's. I spent a few hours driving back and forth yesterday. Who knew I had so much stuff? I think Aunt Lu is glad to get it all out of her house!

I think we're going to stay at Nat's tomorrow night and then head down to Molly's house at the beach on Friday. It's my birthday weekend and Molly has promised me that the gang is going to take me out to dinner to celebrate.

I am just so unbelievably glad that Josh doesn't go to England until after my birthday. I am so afraid I'm going to fall apart when he leaves. I can't even bear the thought of it. For now I'm trying not to think about it. When I think about it I start to freak out. We haven't really talked about it and I don't know what's going to happen. For now I just need to enjoy being with him. He's told me that he loves me so I'm just going to try to have faith in that and not stress.

Tonight is the big night - my date with Josh. I can't believe it's happening. Back in April I really thought that he and I were over for good. Things felt so weird back then. But now things seem so right. All the bad things are where they should be: in the past. We've worked through it and now there is just hope. Hope for what's to come. Hope for what could be.

The rest of my weekend was pretty good. After dinner with my mom on Friday, we went to Angelo's so that I could sing with the boys. She went home after I sang and I went out with my friends. Lindsay and Alex both left for school yesterday so Friday night was our last chance to hang out with them. We went midnight bowling.

Last night was our end of the summer party at the swim club. I was running around all day trying to get ready. It turned out well. Lots of food and fun. I actually got to spend more than a few minutes with Josh which was nice. We stuck together most of the night.

Today I spent the day with Molly driving things back and forth to our new home in New Jersey. Natalie is so excited for us to move in. I think she's lonely there by herself. It won't be long now. Classes start up again on the 5th. I can't believe summer is over so fast. My last day at the swim club is on Wednesday and then I head down to Molly's beach house for the weekend. Then I have one more week with Josh before he leaves. I don't want to think about that right now. I want to live in denial a little longer.

Well, I should get ready for my big date!

I spent the day with Jennifer, Lauren and Molly at the swim club. We were planning the end of the summer party that we're having tomorrow night. We sat on the deck all morning coming up with ideas and then the afternoon out shopping for decorations. It was a fun day.

Molly is very sneaky. I am having dinner with my mom tonight but I want to see Josh who is performing with the doo-wop group. I knew my mom wouldn't go for that unless I was singing, but I wasn't invited to sing with the guys tonight. So Molly convinced us to go to Angelo's for lunch because she thought he would insist that I sing tonight if he saw me. Well, it worked. He came out to talk to us and insisted that I sing. I tried to pretend that I couldn't do it, but Molly kept saying, "Nic, you just have too!" Angelo told me he was going to talk to Josh to convince me to sing.

So we got back to the swim club after buying our decorations and Josh came up to me and told me that Angelo has been bugging him all afternoon to get me to sing! I pretended to hesitate for a moment and then I "gave in." Luckily my mom was okay with all of this - since she gets to hear me sing.

I just can't help it. Josh is only here until September 8th. I can't miss out on spending any time with him. I want to be near him all the time, and I'm going crazy. Being in the same place isn't even enough anymore. Standing next to him is not enough. I want to be in his arms. I thought that after the competition ended we'd be together, and we're getting there, but now I feel like I have less contact with him. The dancing meant we were always together. We were in constant physical contact. Now I feel like an idiot every time I see him because I'm so nervous about what's to come. I can't relax. I can't breathe because I want this to happen so badly. I want us to be us again.

Well, the competition is over. It feel so weird to not be working on a dance, to not be rehearsing, or choreographing dance numbers in my mind.

Our night started out with the East Coast Swing. It was much better this time around and I changed up the end of the choreography so it was slightly different. The judges couldn't get over how much better Josh was compared to week one. Our second dance was the Cha Cha to "Can't Fight the Moonlight." I think this was the crowd pleaser. Josh and I really played up our chemistry on this one and when the song was over and the lights went out for our did-they-didn't-they kiss, the crowd went wild. Everyone loved it. Our final number was a freestyle based on the Jive to "Zoot Suit Riot." We had the most fun on this one and I think the audience had fun watching us. There were some group numbers and then it was time for the results.

I have never been so nervous in my life. I was standing there, holding on to Josh's arm, and the seconds that we waited as Mona paused before reading the results felt like hours. My heart was pounding, my mouth was dry, I needed to hold on to Josh because I felt weak. Luckily we were put out of our misery and the results were announced. Josh and I WON!!!!!!!!!!!

I hugged him and he picked me off the floor and spun me around. It almost felt unreal. I really felt like I was dreaming. It was kind of a whirlwind after that.

Our after party was at Angelo's. We ate, danced, celebrated. Jen and J.D. were really good sports about coming in second and they helped us celebrate. We were all pretty happy. Mona gave Josh, Jennifer, J.D. and I each a "gift" that was pretty nice. She made a lot of money this summer off the competition and she shared a little bit of the wealth with us.

The only thing that was kind of crappy was that there were so many people there that I could hardly get more than a few seconds at a time with Josh. His family, my family, his friends, my friends all wanted our time, and all I wanted was to find out about our post-competition, the-pact-is-over, relationship.

We were out pretty late and he drove me home at the end of the night. He walked me to the door and thanked me for teaching him how to dance. He told me it was the most adventurous summer he's ever had, then he told me that he hasn't had a boring summer since he met me. We stood outside on Aunt Lu's front porch for a long time talking and then he said, "So the next few nights are kind of busy but I thought on Sunday maybe we could go out for dinner."

I was really nervous at that point and I said, "Dinner?" He smiled and started to tease me. He said, "You know, we go, we order, they bring us food and we eat." So I said, "Alone? Just the two of us?" He smiled at me and said, "Well, I think it's about time, don't you?" So Josh and I have a date Sunday night.

He was about to leave and I was getting frustrated. I kept thinking, he's not seriously going to leave without kissing me! I mean, after all that we've been through and after the kiss last week, I have been waiting for another moment like that. He turned to walk away and I was thinking, No! Come back. You cannot leave!!!! He stopped though, turned around, walked over to me and pulled me into his arms for another amazing kiss.

I felt kind of bad because he had to work today and I kept him outside talking forever, but I couldn't let him go.

Tonight I had dinner with my father. He told me that he's been sober for three months now. I was shocked but maybe my mom leaving him was the wakeup call that he needed.

Anyway, this afternoon he called me and told me that I had to bring Josh to dinner. Josh was working tonight so I knew that wouldn't happen but I figured maybe he'd meet us for dessert. I stopped by the swim club this afternoon and as soon as I saw him I started to get nervous and act like and idiot. I could barely have a normal conversation. I swear, I'm so socially inept sometimes.

I was trying to ask him to meet up for dessert and I could barely get it out. Finally, he was like, "Nicole, what are you trying to ask me?" So I went on about how I know he's exhausted, and how I know he doesn't like my father. He was trying to be patient but he said my name in that just-say-it kind of way so I asked him. And then he smiled and said, "Sure. 9:00?" Why do I make things harder than they have to be?

I had dinner with my father. It was actually really nice, and then we went to Angelo's and met Josh for dessert. We didn't stay too long, but it went better than any meal I've ever had with both of them at the same time. Josh has never been rude to my father, but he doesn't trust him and doesn't particularly like him. But tonight was good.

Josh drove me home afterwards. We stood outside looking up at the stars for a little while. It's the first night we've seen stars in a while. I thanked him for going out with us and he kissed me and told me "any time."

So things seem like they are on the right track. I'm still impatient to see how things shake out. I guess I'll know more after Sunday night and dinner.

Tonight is the big night. Please, please, please send me good vibes!!!!! I want that trophy!

I spent all day at the dance studio with Josh going over our dances. I feel good about them, but I'm still nervous. Jen and J.D. are good. They could win this thing. I am just trying to stay positive. We have two things that they don't: 1) Undeniable chemistry and 2) Josh's stage presence is like none other.

My father sent a big bouquet of roses to the dance studio for me today. I was shocked. This is the same man that missed most of my childhood recitals, and here he is, all the way from Florida to see me and sending me flowers on top of that! And he was pleasant and sober last night at dinner. It was a nice change. I actually enjoyed spending time with him.

At the swim club they put up a big banner that says, "Congratulations, Jennifer and Josh - You're Both Winners In Our Book!" It was really nice. It's so cool to have so many people excited about dancing and supporting us. It has been a wild ride this summer with ups and downs but I wouldn't trade it for the world.

Josh wrote me the sweetest note. I won't transcribe the whole thing, but the last line is worth typing out: "If Jennifer walks away with the trophy tonight, I will still be a winner as long as I walk away with you." OMG!!!! I called him after I read it and told him that he'll be walking away with both the trophy and me! :)

Well, that's all for now. I have a lot to do in the next few hours. I have to get all of my costumes together, get my hair and makeup done and be back at the studio by 5:00.

Please send us good vibes!!!!

I don't have much time to write because I'm having a quick dinner with my father and then dress rehearsals tonight, but I have to gush. Josh left me the cutest present on my desk at work. It was a stuffed animal skunk (it's Pepe Le Pew) holding a card. The card said, "Life really stinks when you're not in it. I'm so glad you're back in mine. Love, Josh." So sweet!

I'm counting down the hours now until this competition is over. I've been good since Sunday. I admit that I was trying to get Josh's attention by getting gussied up, and it worked. But I know I shouldn't have made things harder on him than they already are. I think I need a chaperon because I can't behave myself. He told me that I had to sing with them because I looked "too good not to be on stage." I agreed and we ended up backstage and I was making him smell my new perfume...on my neck...and we probably would have kissed had Alex not walked in. I realized then that teasing Josh really isn't nice. I know he's just trying to do what is right so I have been good since then.

Rehearsals have been going well. Our dances have come easy this time. I went to the group rehearsal last night and finally found out what song Josh is doing. It's "Do You Love Me." Kind of appropriate and I laughed when he started to sing. It's going to be a great number.

Our Jive is going to be really great, but I think people will like the Cha Cha to "Can't Fight The Moonlight." I took Angelo's advice and made it hot and romantic at the same time. It's kind of hard to rehearse it given the situation between Josh and I right now, but it will be worth it to give the audience what they want. At the end of the song Josh pulls me close, puts his hands on my face and draws me in for what looks like a kiss, but the lights are going to go out and the room is going to be pitch black for a few seconds so that the audience won't know if we really kissed or not. I figure we should keep them guessing. :)

I'm ready to go insane. Actually, I may already be there. If I'm not there, I'm close. I'm walking the fine line between sanity and insanity. I just can't take it anymore. I hate waiting and Wednesday feels so far away.

Last night I pulled Molly aside and told her to seat me at the opposite side of the table from Josh. I just had to be away from him or I would explode. I ended up sitting with Molly and Natalie and as far from Josh as I could get. They did a good job of distracting me.

After dinner we drove to the boardwalk. I stuck to Natalie like white on rice. I needed her there so that there wouldn't be any chance I could throw myself at Josh. He totally knew something was going on. He kept giving me strange looks, but I had to do what I had to do in order to keep my end of the deal.

Tonight Molly and I are going to see him sing with the Doo-Wop guys. Molly says that I should torture him a little so I'm wearing the green shirt that he loves and I've got my hair all curled up for him. I know I shouldn't play games with him, but if I have to go through three more days of torture, he should have to as well.

I don't have a lot of time to write. I'm waiting for Josh to get out of the shower and then we're meeting up with our friends for dinner. It was a long day of rehearsals. Josh and I did get a chance to talk last night.

We were sitting around watching Nat's box set of "How I Met Your Mother." It's a very funny show but I couldn't stop looking at Josh and wondering why he hasn't said anything to me about our kiss. I finally had to get away so I grabbed my iPod and went up to the roof deck.

I was sitting up there listening to Faith Hill's song, "If This Is The End" and feeling bad for myself. Josh walked up and sat down next to me. He pulled one of the ear buds out of my ear so that he could take a listen. Then he looked at me and asked me if I thought this was the end of us. I was trying to fight back tears and he said, "Nic, this is the beginning - the very beginning." So I asked why he hasn't said or done anything since our kiss the other day. He told me that it was because of the pact.

Damn, that pact! I told him that we already broke it, but he said he didn't want to mess things up. He said that he doesn't want us to start things up again on a broken promise. He said he wants to do things right. Then he told me that if we didn't stick to the pact we wouldn't get any rehearsing done because he'd want to kiss me constantly. That made me feel better.

Then he told me we had to go hang out with our friends so that we wouldn't be tempted. I did not want to go back with our friends. I wanted to be alone with him. I said, "I like it here." He said, "I do too - that's the problem." Then he stood up and practically dragged me back downstairs.

So I've compartmentalized my feelings. All day I dealt with Josh, the dance partner. The real test will be tonight because I'm going to be spending the evening with my friends and Josh, the great love of my life.

I got conned into going down to Molly's beach house this weekend. She and Josh convinced me that there would be plenty of time to rehearse. I hope they are right. We did have a good day. We worked all day on our Cha Cha. Lucky for me, Josh remembers most of the choreography for the East Coast Swing so we don't have to put too much time into that.

Things between us are still up in the air. I don't know what's going on. I wish he would say something...anything! I just can't stand not knowing. The summer is coming to a quick end and then he'll be gone! I just need to know. I need us to iron this thing out before he goes. I mean, what if he leaves before things happen between us? What happens when he comes back? Do we start back at square one? Has this whole summer of us getting closer been for nothing? What if he gets to England and meets someone else? I hate all the "what ifs." I need to know where things stand.

Well, no time to fret over that now. I have to pack for the weekend. I'm leaving in 20 minutes!

We are on to the finals! Somehow, someway, we managed to pull it off last night. There are two things that go us through: 1) Josh comes alive in front of an audience and suddenly the Samba clicked. You would never have known it put us through hell all week, and 2) The bonus round where they were given a random dance to dance with the judges was Josh's best round - he had to do a Rhumba and that was the dance that we really worked on.

My song went off without a hitch. I wasn't quite as nervous about putting my heart out there because I had already acted like a nut earlier in the day and I realized that Josh already knows how I feel.

So next week is Josh verses Jennifer in the finals. We have three dances to learn plus the group number. Josh's group number is a Mambo. Actually, it's more of a song and dance routine than a ballroom dance. I haven't been involved in it, but I was told they have a small part for me. The other three dances are:

1. A routine we've already done - we decided to redo our East Coast Swing to "The Morse Code of Love" because Josh is so much better now than he was in week 1.
2. A dance style we've already done but to a new routine - we are going to do the Cha Cha because that's the dance that really got us moving up in the competition. We're going to Cha Cha to "Can't Fight The Moonlight."
3. A freestyle - remember week 1 when I said Josh wanted to Jive instead of Swing? Well the time has come. Our freestyle is based on the Jive and we get to do lifts now so I'm going to put my fate in Josh's hands (literally!) and let him pick me up and flip me around.

Josh hasn't said anything to me about all that went down yesterday. I think he was so surprised last night that we made it through that his head was elsewhere. I'm thrilled that we're still in this competition, but I want to know what he's thinking about us. Has he had more time to process what a nut I am? Does he regret that kiss? I wish he would say something!

Molly thinks he won't say anything because of the pact. She thinks he'll wait until next Wednesday when the pact is over. See, this is why we had the pact in the first place - so that I wouldn't be agonizing over everything he does and everything he says. I can't wait a week to find out what he's thinking! I need to know now! I hate this!

I was standing on the deck by the snack bar looking at the kids playing on the playground, agonizing over this morning and hoping I would be able to look Josh in the eye after all that had gone down. I was and still am completely mortified by my behavior. I shouldn’t have freaked out like that. I just couldn’t stand the thought of him being with her – or anyone for that matter. I agonized over it all night and by morning I had flipped. The only good thing is that there were barely any people at the club that early, but having Josh see me like that was bad enough.

Anyway, I was standing there when a hand reached around me from behind with a lollypop. I turned around and saw Josh standing there, and he said, “a peace offering.” I felt worse and told him that I should be the on extending a peace offering and that I was so sorry. He told me that he was nuts like that when I was dating Patrick and that’s why he asked Patrick to stop seeing me. He told me that we are even now.

I thanked him for being so generous with me. I’m not sure I deserved to be let off the hook that easily. Then he told me he was worried about me being in the pool right after he shocked it. (Still not sure why he shocked the pool in the morning!) I’m fine but I have this fear that we’ll both break out in a rash right before the performance tonight!

He told me that he talked to Laura and told her he didn’t like her spreading false information. She apparently denied it but we both knew better. I really didn’t even care anymore. My behavior was much worse than hers and I kept thinking about what he had said: “What makes you think I’d want things to be like this? I love you.” So I asked him if he meant what he had said. Then he brushed a piece of hair from my face (I love it when he does that!!!) and said, “Every word.” Then he told me he wanted to finish up work so that we could get to rehearsal.

He started to walk away but I grabbed his hand and pulled him back towards me. I said, “I just wanted to keep you here for a few extra seconds.” He looked at me for a second and then he put his hands on my face and pulled me in for the most amazing kiss ever. This was first kiss good. This was better than our Christmas Eve kiss. This was the planets aligning good. It put every other kiss we’ve ever shared to shame.

When he pulled away he looked scared and said “maybe I shouldn’t have,” but I assured him that it was okay. He started talking about the pact and I shushed him and told him not to worry about it.

Henry walked out of the snack bar then and said, “Hey there feuding love birds…or not so feuding?” I could feel my face burning up with embarrassment and Henry said, “could you keep your performance on the dance floor – no more pushing each other in the pool, yelling, kissing, whatever?” I thought I was going to die of shame right there.

The rest of the day was okay. More Samba rehearsal. Tonight we find out if we’re on to the finals.

More drama this morning. I think I killed any last feelings Josh may have had for me. I acted like a lunatic!

Last night I stopped by the swim club because I knew that Laura and this new guy, Jim, were closing and I wanted to make sure there weren’t any problems. Well, Laura totally baited me. She started talking about Josh and insinuated strongly that she and Josh had been more friendly than he admitted to me.

I was fuming because in Connecticut he had told me that he had kissed her a few times when he was feeling lonely and that he felt badly about it but it never went beyond that. So I was mad that he lied. I was mad that he had been with her like that. I was just so upset. I tossed and turned all night and by the time I got up this morning I was ready to explode.

I knew Josh was going to be at the swim club early so I got there and found him up at the upper pool and I just started to freak out at him. I was yelling, “How could you? You lied to me!” He just looked at me like he had no clue what I was going on about. Then I screamed, “you creep” and I pushed him into the pool. He grabbed me to regain his balance and I went in with him.

When we emerged from the water he was yelling at me. Something like, “Have you lost your mind? What’s wrong with you?” I had pretty much lost my mind and what’s wrong with me is beyond my comprehension at his point. But that’s not where it ended. He kept trying to tell me that he had just treated the water and I was going on and on accusing him of sleeping with Laura.

I climbed out of the pool with Josh behind me and he was like. “I didn’t sleep with Laura. If she told you that she is lying.” I must have looked skeptical because he said, “I’ve never lied to you before.” And I knew he hadn’t, but I was humiliated so I told him that I was still mad at him because he broke my heart.

The he said, “I broke your heart?” I told him that he broke up with me, and then he looked really annoyed and he said, “Oh no, don’t rewrite history. I wanted a break. You made it a break up.” Then it was back to the same old argument about how I didn’t want to be dumped little by little or phased out. Then he told me that he never intended to phase me out and then he said, “what makes you think I’d want things to be like this? I love you!” And then I yelled back, “well, I love you too!” He still looked annoyed and said, “Fine.” And I said, “Fine,” and then I walked off to the locker room with him calling to me about how he had treated the water.

So after I got out of the shower I found Jennifer sitting on one of the benches waiting for me. She asked if I was okay and I told her I was mortified. It’s not like Josh is even mine to be so possessive of. He’s free and he was free when he kissed Laura. He doesn’t even owe me any kind of explanation!

Jen explained to me that Laura used to go on and on about Josh and would tell her everything. Jen assured me that nothing more than a few kisses transpired between them. And then she said, “And he said it himself: he loves you.”

I just hope he still loves me after all of that. He probably thinks I’m a complete lunatic. He probably thinks I’m way more trouble than I’m worth. He probably hates me and wants to get away from me as soon as possible. He’s probably is grateful that I made our break a break up.

And I have to rehearse with him this afternoon and I am so embarrassed. I don't know how I'm going to face him. :(

Josh called last night and told me that he wanted to finish our rehearsal. Well, our rehearsal lasted until 3:00 a.m. I was exhausted this morning but the Samba is coming along better. We just kept going over one step until he finally got it. Still...I don't know. This could be the end for us. It's getting better but it's not like the other dances. The Samba might take us down. :(

I just really want to get to the semi-finals. After all that we've been through I don't want it to end yet. I want to get to the finish line. I want all of the time and sacrifice to be worth it. I've spent the past few weeks denying all that I feel for him so that we could win this thing. I can't let it be in vain. I just can't.

The up side is that our Quickstep is great. Every time Josh gets frustrated with the Samba, I make him go over the routine for the Quickstep. It boosts his confidence and he can start the Samba again feeling less frustrated.

I rehearsed the song I'm singing for the first time today. Jen and Lauren are singing backup and Lauren is playing the piano. I had no idea how hard "Niagara" is to sing! I'm getting cold feet - and not so much because it is hard to sing, but because it will tell Josh so much of what I feel right now. I want him to know, but I just feel so vulnerable. I might as well carry around a big sign that says, "I love Josh Anderson and it's completely unavoidable, and completely uncontrollable." Yet, I feel like he put himself out there for me when he sang "Put Your Head On My Shoulder," so it's only right that I do that for him. I just hope I don't wimp out!

I just got back from rehearsals. We were supposed to go for another hour but we needed to stop. The Samba has been so frustrating. I don't get it. Josh is amazing at the other Latin dances, but Samba is so hard for him. We spent an hour going over one step - over and over again - and Josh was getting so frustrated. He thinks I'm being hard on him, but I want his technique to be good. He can't look like he did the first week. He's in the semi-finals. They expect a certain level from him now. I guess the good news is that Jennifer is also struggling with the Samba, so at least our biggest threat is in the same boat.

Needless to say, there hasn't been much warmth between me and Josh the past two days. It's just been hour after hour of frustration. There haven't been any longing looks or sweet words. It's been mostly eye rolls and frustrated sighs. I know it will pass and I know he will conquer this dance, I just wish it would happen sooner than later.

Well, speak of the devil, he's calling. Gotta go. Hopefully I'll report back tomorrow to tell you Josh is awesome at the Samba.

Just got home from Jen's party and I'm still wide awake - even though I know I should probably go to sleep. It was a fun time. A lot of people from the swim club and some of the dancers were there. We played with Jen's karaoke machine. I sang "Before He Cheats." That's such a great song. :)

Josh and I rehearsed all day. The Samba is coming along much better and the Quickstep is good. I love both songs. Josh karaoked "It Had Better Be Tonight" at Jen's house.

The day was long and even though it was cool out, the dancing made us hot and tired. We were rehearsing on the patio in Josh's backyard. Around 3:00 he told me he needed a five minute nap. I told him no and that he had to keep rehearsing. He was going on and on about needing to rest so he collapsed on a lounge chair and then grabbed my hand and pulled me down with him. Then he said, "Five minutes." I agreed and he wrapped his arms around me and pulled me close to him. It felt so good and I just melted. He said, "Maybe ten minutes?" And I agreed. An hour later we finally got up. I just couldn't help it. We had been so tired and it felt so good cuddling up close to him!

Tonight at the party Laura and Tanya were there, but Josh wasn't really hanging out with them too much. Most of the night he spent with Alex, Tom and Terry. I was glad to see him hanging with the guys instead of being hung on by the girls!

I spent most of the night with Lindsay, Henry, Jennifer and J.D. I was trying to keep some distance from Josh because I was afraid that our afternoon nap had put a crack in the pact, and I don't want the pact to break. I like living in my own world right now. I get to be close to him all of the time but I don't have to risk anything. I know it sounds cowardly and self-indulgent, but I couldn't take it if things didn't work out. If I were to confess my love and then be rejected, I couldn't continue to dance with him. I just can't risk it.

There are so many times that I just want to give in. When he smiles at me or looks at me the way he does. When he says my name as if it's the most beautiful word ever created in any language. When we're dancing and his face is so close to mine. I want to wrap myself around him and never let go. I'm just too scared. I want it to work this time. I want it to feel right. I want it to be right. I don't want to mess this up.

Today was a great day. Rain is always appreciated when you have to learn two dances in one week. Plus the semi-finalists all happen to be good singers so they are each doing a song and dance at the finale.

This upcoming week is especially grueling. In addition to the two dances, they are going to have a surprise round. They will each be given a dance style and they will have to dance with one of the judges. I'm trying to make sure that Josh is up on all of the dances. I didn't know about this so I'm so glad I made sure Josh understood the dances and not jut the choreography!

It's only our first day of rehearsals but Josh is frustrated with the Samba. Last night he was having a rough time and I figured it was because he was so tired from a full day in New York, but this morning was just as hard. He was frustrated so we switched over to the Quickstep and that came much easier. The Samba is tough, but Josh is good at the Latin dances so I'm sure he'll be okay.

Tonight is my big debut with the Doo-Wop band. I'm singing "The Boy From New York City." It's a cute song, and Mona is paying me an hours wage for doing it. I'm kind of excited about it, but I'm not going to let her know. I'm doing it to help promote the dance studio so I think I should get paid. :) Mom, Aunt Lu, Uncle Bill, Aunt Linda, Lindsay and Brett are all coming to cheer me on. It should be fun.

We're moving on to the semi-finals!!!! Fox Trot went better than expected and the Tango was awesome. Jennifer did beat us - she came in first for the night - but I still feel good about it. The best part was the song Josh sang.

To properly explain this, I have to give you some background. When I was little my first crush was on Potsie from "Happy Days." There was an episode where he sang, "Put Your Head On My Shoulder" to Joanie and I thought it was the most romantic thing ever. Last year Josh and I watched the episode together when his Tivo just happened to record it.

So last night when it was time for him to sing, all of the dancers sat down on some stands that they had on the opposite side of the stage to watch him. He started playing the piano and when the first words of the song came out of his mouth... "put your head on my shoulder"... I just melted. He was singing it Michael Buble style (which I like better than Paul Anka or Potsie's versions) and it sounded so good. He looked right at me as he sang the line, "If there's a way I'll find it someday and then this fool will rush in." I don't know how I held it together. It was so unbelievable. It was like his way of tell me how he feels without actually breaking the pact!

After the song was over we found out the results for the night and then the show was over and our post-show reception started. I really wanted to talk to Josh. I really wanted to pull him aside and plant the biggest kiss on him, but people kept coming up to us and talking. We got pulled in different directions and I could barely get near him. People always want to ask questions about the dances. Last night people even wanted to ask questions about my personal life. "So are you and Josh dating?" That was awkward!

We kept looking at each from across the room and I saw him try a few times to get to me but someone would always get in the way. Then Angelo came up to me and told me that he thinks I should play up the romance in the dances. He thinks people like the romance because Josh and I have so much chemistry. He told me that people are talking about Josh and I and romance will help us win. More awkwardness. I want to win based on how good we dance, how entertaining we are, not on how much hype we can build!

After the reception Mona asked us to meet backstage to get our songs for next week. I walked back there and Josh was standing alone. I walked over to him and threw my arms around him and we just stood there holding on to each other. Finally we pulled apart and he smiled at me and said, "hi." It was so cute! And then there was me, grinning back at him like a lovesick puppy. All I could think of to say back was "hi." He brushed a piece of hair from my face (heart soar!) and said, "so I guess you liked the song?" I said, "Oh, it was okay." Sarcastic of course and he knew it. Then I started gushing about how he's better than Michael Buble and Paul Anka and that the world is missing out on his talent.

Mona came back then and gathered everyone together. Next week Josh and I are dancing the Samba to "It Had Better Be Tonight" (another Michael Buble song - we ballroom dancers love Michael Buble!) and we're dancing the Quickstep to "Love Is A Contact Sport" (an old Whitney Houston song).

Today was a long day. Josh went up to New York to take care of something at school. I was at work all day missing him like crazy. I spent the whole day thinking about him and how I'm going to get through the rest of this competition without going crazy. And then I was thinking about how things are going to be when the summer is over. Here I am whining about how I haven't seen him today, and I'm going to see him at dance lessons in another hour! In a few weeks he's going to be in England. Today - one day without him - was torture. I'm going to have to go four months. It's going to be agonizing. And he's going to be so far away. I can't even stand to think about it.

I've decided that I'm going to sing the Sara Evan's song, "Niagara," next week. I don't care if it gives me away. I need him to know. I just can't keep going on without him knowing that asking me not to love him is like asking Niagara not to fall.

Tonight is our night for two dances: Fox Trot and the Tango. I'm a little worried about the Fox Trot. The song isn't strict tempo and I've taken some liberties with it. I think the audience will love it but I'm not sure about the judges.

My mom is in town. We went to dinner last night and she told me that she was happy I hadn't rushed into getting back together with Josh. Arggghhhh. She ticks me off. I agree that it's good that I haven't rushed into getting back together with him, but she makes it sound like being with him is a bad thing. It's so stupid. I could really, truly be dating a bad guy, but I actually fell for a guy that any normal (emphasis on "normal") parent would love. He's smart, he's kind, he's talented, he's family oriented, he goes to church on (most) Sundays with his mother. For the love of Pete, what else does my mother want?

After dinner I rehearsed with Josh and he could tell my mother had gotten to me. He's okay with her, and he tolerates my father, but I know it frustrates him to see them get to me. I told him how annoyed I was with her. He put his arms around me and pulled me in for a hug and said, "Thank God for Aunt Lu." How true that is. Don't get me wrong. I love my mom. I even love my father despite all of the pain he's caused, but I am truly blessed to have Aunt Lu.

Our rehearsal went well after I let go of the frustrations. We were at the dance studio and Jennifer and JD stopped in to see how we were doing. I told them not to spy on us (joking of course...well, sort of!). They told us they have no reason to spy because their dances are great. This brought out the competitors in both me and Josh. We're ready to kick some you-know-what! :)

Jen asked Josh which dance he likes best. He told her he likes our Fox Trot song ("Feeling Good" by Michael Buble) better, but he likes the Tango because - and I quote: "Nicole wraps her leg around me." Jennifer laughed and gave me a look that said: this is encouraging! He was joking, I know, but I like it when he's flirty.

He's been very flirty lately. This morning I was sitting at my desk at work and he came in and gave me a flower shaped lollipop just to "brighten my day." So sweet! He said he wanted to make sure my mother wasn't clouding my day because we have to be "Feeling Good" for tonight. This is the Josh that I fell in love with.

There's this song on the Sara Evan's CD that Amanda gave me. It's called "Niagara" and it completely describes the way I'm feeling about Josh right now. And the song sticks with you. It's more than just the lyrics. I keep thinking about it. I'm supposed to sing next week at our dance competition and I keep thinking about that song. It's just that if I sing it, Josh will know everything. It completely gives me away. I'm not sure if I'm ready for that kind of disclosure. There are actually two other songs on that CD that fit how I'm feeling: "Need To Be Next To You" and "I Give In." It's my new favorite CD. (Sorry, Nat, it's Country!)

Another interesting development, Angelo and Mona have teamed up with a new marketing strategy. Angelo noticed that people from the dance studio are spending a lot of time at his restaurant. A lot of our audience as started showing up to hear Josh and Jennifer sing. So they are using the competition to get the dance studio people to the restaurant and the restaurant people to the dance studio. It's actually pretty smart since Jen and Josh both have small "fan" bases from both the competition and their performances at Angelo's. But now they're pulling me in to it. Mona thinks that people have an interest in my "partnership" with Josh so she and Angelo decided I'm singing with the Doo Wop group Friday night. I told Mona I want a raise. She thinks I'm joking.

Well, I think this post is way too long and not really about anything that exciting so I should go. I've got to get to the dance studio to get ready for tonight!

I was pretty out of it yesterday. I couldn’t focus. In fact I couldn’t sleep last night. I kept thinking about that poor woman. It makes me so sad to think about getting to the point where taking your own life seems like the best option. I really hope that she is being taken care of. I hope that things get better and that she doesn’t try to do it again.

Josh and I rehearsed all day yesterday and then went back to work for a few hours. After we closed the club, Josh told me that I was in need of a little fun. He told me we were going outside to catch lightening bugs. I must have been giving him a strange look because he asked me what was wrong, and I said, “you want to catch bugs?” He started to laugh, grabbed my hand and said, “come on!”

So we went outside and started trying to catch the bugs. I caught one and walked over to Josh and asked him what I was supposed to do with it. He gave me a strange look and said, “Nicole, haven’t you ever caught lightening bugs before?” I told him that it wasn’t something my father would have approved us. He laughed and said, “we should catch one for him and overnight it to Sarasota.”

I don’t know how exciting the bug catching was, but the conversation was good. I asked him why lightening bugs light up. He told me it’s a mating thing. The male lights up and if the female is interested she’ll light up too. I said, “So if you start glowing in the dark, I should take that as a sign?” He looked at down at his body and said, “I thought I was already glowing…just waiting for you to glow back.”

I swear, if I were a lightening bug, I would have been glowing back. In fact, I wanted to run over to him, throw myself into his arms and break this stupid pact once and for all, but the look on Josh’s face had changed. I was about to walk over to him but he said, “Don’t move.”

He didn’t have to tell me. I knew what was behind me. It was our friend, the Little Stinker, and I knew that one false move would result in me taking a tomato juice bath. Not fun. I slowly turned around saw the little eyes staring back at me. He started stomping his feet and I knew I had angered him. Josh told me to start moving slowly away from the skunk. I very slowly started to step backwards but the skunk was still stomping. I kept thinking, “this night is not going to end well.” Then the skunk turned and looked over his shoulder at me. At this point I knew I had to make a choice. I could run and potentially freak the skunk out so much that I’d get sprayed, or run and not get as much of the spray on me. I ran. I ran so fast that I collided with Josh and we both kept running until we were back in the office…unscathed but completely freaked out.

Josh looked at me and said, “so much for no stress, huh?” I looked back at him and just started laughing. I had come face to face with the skunk and had gotten out of it without any harm. Josh started laughing too and we ended up sitting on the floor laughing about the skunk until we realized how late it was and went home.

In a way I was grateful to the skunk. I was so distraught over the suicidal woman that I would have been running to Josh to make myself feel better, and that's not how I want things to be. I want to run to him because things are finally right between us and because I love him. The time is coming. I know this. I just need to wait until the moment is right.

Today has been so weird. I got to work at 6:30 this morning because I had a lot of stuff I wanted to do before the day started. I heard a car pull up about 15 minutes after I got there so I walked around to the deck by the snack bar so that I could see into the parking lot. A woman got out of her car, attached a hose to her exhaust pipe and then got in the car and put the hose in the window. I started to freak out. I was afraid to go outside because I thought she might hurt me if I got in her way so I grabbed the phone and dialed 911. The guy told me they would send someone over "soon." I kept saying, "No! Now! Send them now." I couldn't believe it. This woman was trying to kill herself right in front of me, and they were going to send the police soon!!! I must have gotten through to the guy because the police were there in a minute and I saw them pulling her out of the car. It was horrific. I keep getting sick every time I think about it.

Henry pulled in to the lot as they were leaving. I was on the verge of a breakdown when he walked in the door. He took me into his office so I could tell him what was going on. We must have been in there a long time because Lauren knocked on the door to see where I was. Henry told her that we needed a few more minutes. About five minutes later Josh came in to make sure I was okay. Henry sent him back to work and asked me if I wanted to go home. I told him I wanted to stay.

I pretty much walked through the morning like a zombie. As soon as swimming lessons were over Josh found me again and I told him what happened. He was so sweet about making sure I was okay.

I went home as soon as camp let out. I signed on to my account so that I could start blogging and I had two emails. The first was from my mom informing me that her flight gets in tomorrow at 4:00 and she wants to have dinner tomorrow night. She's coming to Pennsylvania for a few weeks to visit. The second was from my father. That email was to inform me that he has some business in Manhattan that coincides with the finale of the dance competition so he will be here to see me win. (I hope we make it that far!)

So now I'm feeling completely stressed out. My morning was horrific. Both of my parents will be here at the same time. Josh is stuck at work until 2:00 which means we've lost at least an hour of our afternoon rehearsal, and we both have to go back at 6:00 and close the club.

But more than anything I can't stop thinking about that poor woman. I hope that the police got her to the help she needs.

I just got back from Connecticut. I had went up there last minute with the Anderson's for Josh's grandfather's birthday party. At first Josh wasn't going to go because we're working on two dances this week, but his mom really wanted him there so he took me with him so that we could rehearse up there.

It was a lot of fun. I love Josh's grandfather - he is such a nice man. The food was good and the music was great. Everyone was dancing and having a good time. It was everything I always wanted a family party to be.

When we got there one of Josh's cousins came over to talk to us and she was like, "is this the Nicole I've heard so much about?" Josh smiled and said, "this is her." And Josh's grandfather kept introducing me to everyone as "Josh's girlfriend." Josh didn't correct him so neither did I.

Later I kind of teased him about it and he just said, "well, you are a girl and you are a friend." I told him that I didn't think that is what his grandfather meant. He agreed but told me that he "didn't want to disappoint the old man." Then he took my hand and said, "come on, Girlfriend, dance with me."

After the party we stayed up late talking. We had a good conversation. We talked a little about things that happened after we went our separate ways in April. He told me that he was restless after things went down and on a whim signed up for the semester abroad in England. He told me how Laura had followed his lead and signed up and that he was really uncomfortable about it. I was glad to hear it from him, even though Jen had told me the same thing.

Anyway, we rehearsed all day and then drove home before dinner. We just got home a little while ago and I'm exhausted, but both dances are coming along pretty well even though they still need work. I should probably sign off and get some rest. I have a feeling that there will be no time for sleep the next few days. We still have a lot of work to do.

I am so torn. I want this competition to be over because I want to tell Josh that I love him. But I don't want it to be over because it kind of holds things together. I mean, right now we have to spend time together - lots of time together. When it's over it's all going to be up to him...whether he loves me, whether he wants to spend time with me.... What if the competition ends and I find out that none of this is real? What if he doesn't want me, doesn't love me the way he used to? What if it's all an illusion?

And I'm so freaked out because when the summer ends, Josh leaves for England - for FOUR Months! I can't stand that idea of him being gone that long. Not that it will matter if he doesn't love me.

It all comes back to that: does he love me like he did before? He looks at me like he does, he does things that indicate that he does, but until I hear the words come out of his mouth I can't be sure. And he can't tell me because I made him agree to this stupid pact! AURRRGGGGHHHH!

DISCLAIMER: Author of this blog has NO CLUE when it comes to men.

Guess who came in first place last night for their Mambo???? .....

... Is the suspense killing you? :)

I'll give you the results - after the break.

Okay, just kidding. It was me and Josh!!!! Finally, finally, finally!!!!! Our rehearsals are starting to pay off and I'm starting to see that trophy as a reality. Our Mambo was spot on and the judges loved that we danced on the 2nd beat since most of the dancers danced on the 1st. Our solo portion of the Waltz also went well.

Tanya was eliminated from the competition last night. She was really emotional about it. There is always a small reception after the show and she was in the back crying. Josh and Damon were back there with her trying to cheer her up. I was kind of bummed because I wanted to enjoy the glory of our 1st place night with Josh. Plus we got the first 10 out of 10 in the competition so far and that was huge!

After things started to wind down I went out with Jen, J.D., Damon and a few others from the competition. Josh decided to stay behind with Tanya because she was "so upset." I don't know, I just kind of think she was milking it. I mean, it's a community competition. I get the professional dancers want to win, but she could care less about dancing. She only signed up because she wanted to be close to Josh.

I had a good time out with the gang despite Josh not being there. We went to Angelo's because they had a jazz band playing and it was great for dancing. Damon and I hit the floor and had a really good time.

Now that we're in the last few weeks of the competition we are doing 2 solo dances each week. Tonight we start on the Fox Trot and the Tango. For the Fox Trot, Josh and I are going to dance to Michael Buble's "Feeling Good." It's a little bit of a risk because the tempo changes a bit but I'm counting on it to be an audience pleaser more than a judge pleaser. For the Tango we're dancing to "El Tango de Roxanne" from Moulin Rouge. I love both songs so I'm really excited!!!

Josh is singing next week as well. Jen sang this week. They try to have some entertainment while they tally up the votes. I can't wait to see what he sings.

Well, that's all for now...

I am so nervous about our Mambo tonight. I don't know why. Josh knows the dance. He's good at the dance. He can actually dance on the 2nd beat! I think my expectations are high and I'm just afraid that we won't live up to them.

The other thing is that Josh and I have been getting along so well, and I'm having a hard time not acting on my feelings...especially when we spend so much time together. We're either at work or rehearsing, and rehearsing means constant physical contact. It's almost more than I can take.

Our song ("Hungry Eyes") is just so perfect too... "I've been meaning to tell you I've got this feeling that won't subside." I just keep thinking about that line and wishing that we could actually talk about things. I just don't want to mess things up. I mean, we're getting along so well. Work is good. Dance is good. What if something romantic happens and then things get royally screwed up? Everything would be ruined. It's why I came up with the pact in the first place. I guess, I just answered my own questions. I've got to see this pact through. Once the competition is over, I'll deal with the feelings. For now I just have to be strong and stay focused.