More drama this morning. I think I killed any last feelings Josh may have had for me. I acted like a lunatic!

Last night I stopped by the swim club because I knew that Laura and this new guy, Jim, were closing and I wanted to make sure there weren’t any problems. Well, Laura totally baited me. She started talking about Josh and insinuated strongly that she and Josh had been more friendly than he admitted to me.

I was fuming because in Connecticut he had told me that he had kissed her a few times when he was feeling lonely and that he felt badly about it but it never went beyond that. So I was mad that he lied. I was mad that he had been with her like that. I was just so upset. I tossed and turned all night and by the time I got up this morning I was ready to explode.

I knew Josh was going to be at the swim club early so I got there and found him up at the upper pool and I just started to freak out at him. I was yelling, “How could you? You lied to me!” He just looked at me like he had no clue what I was going on about. Then I screamed, “you creep” and I pushed him into the pool. He grabbed me to regain his balance and I went in with him.

When we emerged from the water he was yelling at me. Something like, “Have you lost your mind? What’s wrong with you?” I had pretty much lost my mind and what’s wrong with me is beyond my comprehension at his point. But that’s not where it ended. He kept trying to tell me that he had just treated the water and I was going on and on accusing him of sleeping with Laura.

I climbed out of the pool with Josh behind me and he was like. “I didn’t sleep with Laura. If she told you that she is lying.” I must have looked skeptical because he said, “I’ve never lied to you before.” And I knew he hadn’t, but I was humiliated so I told him that I was still mad at him because he broke my heart.

The he said, “I broke your heart?” I told him that he broke up with me, and then he looked really annoyed and he said, “Oh no, don’t rewrite history. I wanted a break. You made it a break up.” Then it was back to the same old argument about how I didn’t want to be dumped little by little or phased out. Then he told me that he never intended to phase me out and then he said, “what makes you think I’d want things to be like this? I love you!” And then I yelled back, “well, I love you too!” He still looked annoyed and said, “Fine.” And I said, “Fine,” and then I walked off to the locker room with him calling to me about how he had treated the water.

So after I got out of the shower I found Jennifer sitting on one of the benches waiting for me. She asked if I was okay and I told her I was mortified. It’s not like Josh is even mine to be so possessive of. He’s free and he was free when he kissed Laura. He doesn’t even owe me any kind of explanation!

Jen explained to me that Laura used to go on and on about Josh and would tell her everything. Jen assured me that nothing more than a few kisses transpired between them. And then she said, “And he said it himself: he loves you.”

I just hope he still loves me after all of that. He probably thinks I’m a complete lunatic. He probably thinks I’m way more trouble than I’m worth. He probably hates me and wants to get away from me as soon as possible. He’s probably is grateful that I made our break a break up.

And I have to rehearse with him this afternoon and I am so embarrassed. I don't know how I'm going to face him. :(