Just got home from Jen's party and I'm still wide awake - even though I know I should probably go to sleep. It was a fun time. A lot of people from the swim club and some of the dancers were there. We played with Jen's karaoke machine. I sang "Before He Cheats." That's such a great song. :)

Josh and I rehearsed all day. The Samba is coming along much better and the Quickstep is good. I love both songs. Josh karaoked "It Had Better Be Tonight" at Jen's house.

The day was long and even though it was cool out, the dancing made us hot and tired. We were rehearsing on the patio in Josh's backyard. Around 3:00 he told me he needed a five minute nap. I told him no and that he had to keep rehearsing. He was going on and on about needing to rest so he collapsed on a lounge chair and then grabbed my hand and pulled me down with him. Then he said, "Five minutes." I agreed and he wrapped his arms around me and pulled me close to him. It felt so good and I just melted. He said, "Maybe ten minutes?" And I agreed. An hour later we finally got up. I just couldn't help it. We had been so tired and it felt so good cuddling up close to him!

Tonight at the party Laura and Tanya were there, but Josh wasn't really hanging out with them too much. Most of the night he spent with Alex, Tom and Terry. I was glad to see him hanging with the guys instead of being hung on by the girls!

I spent most of the night with Lindsay, Henry, Jennifer and J.D. I was trying to keep some distance from Josh because I was afraid that our afternoon nap had put a crack in the pact, and I don't want the pact to break. I like living in my own world right now. I get to be close to him all of the time but I don't have to risk anything. I know it sounds cowardly and self-indulgent, but I couldn't take it if things didn't work out. If I were to confess my love and then be rejected, I couldn't continue to dance with him. I just can't risk it.

There are so many times that I just want to give in. When he smiles at me or looks at me the way he does. When he says my name as if it's the most beautiful word ever created in any language. When we're dancing and his face is so close to mine. I want to wrap myself around him and never let go. I'm just too scared. I want it to work this time. I want it to feel right. I want it to be right. I don't want to mess this up.