I started Duncan’s Three Step Program for getting over a broken heart. He told me yesterday that Step 1 is to get upset. He told me to have one last cry and get all of the sadness out of my system. I’m just not sure that’s possible. It seems too easy to just cry and then not be sad about breaking up with Josh.

Tomorrow we are supposed to start Step 2. He told me to meet him at the racquet club. I guess step two has something to do with tennis…Who knows? Maybe it will work.

Today was tough. It was hot and humid and I was at work all day. I used to love being there but every place I turn I see Josh. I keep thinking of him and missing him. It’s torture! Am I ever going to get over him?

I got up the nerve to go talk to Josh before he left on Saturday. It didn't go too well. He just didn't have any interest in talking to me. He was kind of a jerk.

That night I went out with Molly, Kim and Jennifer. It was a girl's night out, and was supposed to be fun but I was upset about things being so bad between me and Josh. We were driving to the restaurant when I got a call from him. They told me not to answer so I didn't and he didn't leave a message. Then at the restaurant he called again and they wouldn't let me answer. Molly said I have to make him sweat.

When we left dinner I checked my message. Molly made me put it on speaker phone so that they could dissect every word and come up with hidden messages. Anyway, he said how sorry he was for being a jerk to me and how he wished we had talked instead of leaving things badly. He said if there was time between getting home from Florida and leaving for New York, he wanted to talk.

He redeemed himself somewhat among the girls. I wanted to call him back but they wouldn't let me. They said I should let him sweat it out until he gets back from Florida. So that's what I'm trying to do but it's torture. I really want to talk to him.

Today at the swim club it was kind of sad. A lot of our co-workers have left for college so it wasn't as much fun. Duncan wants to put me on his three step program for getting over a boyfriend. We start tonight with phase one. Molly thinks it's a scam to get close to me because she thinks he likes me. I hope that's not the case. It's way too soon for another guy, and my heart still belongs to Josh.

Saturday night is the end of the summer bash at the swim club. I hope I'll have fun and not be thinking about Josh the whole time...maybe Duncan's plan will actually work. Sunday is my birthday. I wish I were looking forward to it but I'm afraid I'll be too sad about loosing Josh. :(

I ran into him this morning…Josh, that is. I’ve been avoiding him all week. It was probably a good idea considering how shaken up I felt after seeing him today. I was walking out of the office at the swim club as he was walking in. We just kind of looked at each other for a minute and then he mumbled “hello” and kept walking. The look on his face was just…I don’t even know how to describe it…frustrated, disappointed…I’m not sure either of those are the right words.

I’m so afraid that I made the wrong choice. I don’t know what to think. I know that in my heart I want to be with him more than anything, but I also know that I won’t be happy if I love him and he doesn’t love me back.

I keep going over the same thing again and again. I just can’t stand the idea of not having him in my life. What if I always regret this? What if I’ve lost the chance of a lifetime?

My mom says that I’m young and that there are plenty of other guys and I have a long life ahead of me to find true love. It annoys me that she thinks she knows so well…especially since she’s a part time parent.

Aunt Lu gets it. She understands what he means to me. She understands that he gets me in a way no one else does. She told me I should talk to him.

I’m just paralyzed by indecision. The problem is that he leaves for vacation tomorrow. I need to decide and decide fast. Time is running out. He’s going to leave for vacation and then for school. We could drift so far apart that there’s no chance. This makes it sound like I want a chance, doesn’t it?

I’m so confused.

I'm miserable. I'm so afraid that I did the wrong thing with Josh, but on the other hand I couldn't go on pretending that he feels the same way I do.

This whole summer...everytime he'd kiss me good-night or hold me close I had to bite back the words "I love you," because I was so afraid of scaring him off. I'd walk around singing the Britney Spears song, "Don't Let Me Be The Last To Know." But he hasn't let me know, so what am I to conclude? That he doesn't love me.

We'd be on the phone together late at night and I would long to tell him. He'd hang up and I would stay on the line and whisper, "I love you so much. Why can't I tell you?" Now I know why I couldn't tell him...I couldn't tell him because deep down I knew that he doesn't love me back.

Honestly, I can't wait until he leaves for vacation and then for school. Then I won't have to worry about seeing him.

Last night was a disaster. And that’s putting it lightly. Once again, things are off with Josh. And considering the way we left things, I’m willing to bet that they will stay off.

We went to the mall last night to pick up some things he needed to take to school. I’ve been feeling sensitive as it is about him leaving so that definitely didn’t help. I was quiet and withdrawn the whole night…not on purpose, I was just feeling sad because I love him so much and he’s leaving.

By the time we pulled up outside his house I think he was really frustrated because he could tell something was wrong. He kept asking me and finally I told him that I thought our time was up. He told me he didn’t see why the end of the summer had to mean the end of us. I should have told him that he was right, that I want to work things out. I should have told him anything, but I told him it was over!

He looked really frustrated and kept asking me why. I started to get more upset and just started going on and on about how I can’t do this anymore, how I can’t pretend that our feelings are equal and how I need to let go.

That’s when he started to get angry. He was like, “what are you talking about?” I told him that I can’t pretend what we have is some big love affair when in reality it was nothing more than a little fling. That made him angrier and he started yelling at me saying that he gave up his summer for me, that he handed it over to me on a silver platter, and how if all he wanted was a fling he could have had one with half a dozen girls in New York. Then he said, “I came home this summer for something real, for something with substance, for something with you. If what we had this summer was only a fling it’s because you made it that way.” And then he stormed off.

I spent the night locked up in my room crying, sitting with both the phone and cell phone beside me. I guess I thought he would call but he didn’t.

This morning I went into work but I was too afraid of running into him so I told Henry that Jennifer needed help cleaning up the drama room now that camp is over. I was surprised but Jennifer was actually really nice about everything. I almost felt better after spending the morning with her. By the time we were finished Josh was gone. He only worked the morning hours and then left.

I don’t know what to do now. I want to take it all back. I want him to call or stop by and tell me that he wants to be with me as much as I want to be with him. I just don’t think it’s going to happen. He looked so mad last night…angrier than I’ve ever seen him.

I’m just so torn. On one hand, I wonder if I screwed up the best thing that’s ever happened to me. Did I lose the one person who’s been on my side since the day we met? The one person who really gets me? Are we soul mates, destined to be together? Then, there’s the other hand that says: “Fool, forget him. He’s going to break your heart and tear it into little pieces, leaving nothing behind but scar tissue. Be glad you let him go before you got in too deep. He’s just not that into you.” I wish I knew who to listen to.

P.S. – Molly and Alex broke up last night too. :(

This weekend was crazy. I don’t even know where to start…

I’ll start with Alex. He’s returned from his summer in Europe. There’s something different about him. Josh and I were talking about it last night and we wonder if there was a girl in Europe. There was something keeping him there, and making him act distant from Molly. They’re reunion was awkward and I think they will be broken up by the end of the week.

In other news, my mom decided she wants a trial separation from my dad. She wants to find an apartment in Sarasota and wants me to move back down there with her. I am all for the trial separation but there is no way I’m going back to Florida and I told her that. I am finally seeing just how selfish my mother is. First she ships me off to live with Aunt Lu because she won’t leave my drunken father. And now that I’m happy, and settled, and more secure and safe than I’ve ever been in my life, she wants to uproot me again! The woman has a lot of nerve! I told her to count me out. She wasn’t happy but I don’t think she’s going to fight me on it. I heard her and Aunt Lu having an argument and it sounded like Aunt Lu won.

Things with Josh are stressful too. I just can’t keep going on like things are great. I can’t pretend that our feelings are equal. I know that I’m in this deeper than he is. I love him, but I just don’t think he loves me back. And with him going off to school, I’m afraid that some beautiful New York college girl will come along and make him forget about me. I wish I knew what to do.

I ate dinner last night and went to sleep. I was completely wiped out. Unfortunately I woke up at midnight wide awake, so I signed onto IM. I saw that Josh was logged on and I was debating whether to IM him or not when he sent me a message that said, “answer your phone.” I looked at the phone and sure enough it rang.

He told me that he had stopped by earlier in the day to talk to my mom. I guess whatever he said to her is what turned her around. I tried to get details out of him but all he said was that he assured her that he wouldn’t push me or try to take advantage of me.

By the end of the conversation I understood why my mother had turned around. I went from being grumpy at the beginning of the conversation to feeling much better after talking to him. He has that effect on people.

Today I went into work and just sat around all day. No one was there because of the rain so all of the employees hung out in the snack bar. Josh had his guitar and played our rainy day song, “I Love A Rainy Night.” At the beginning of the summer it was on while we were hanging out in the snack bar on a rainy day and we made it our rainy day theme.

Tonight my mom, Aunt Lu, Lindsay, Aunt Linda and I are going out for a girls’ night. I wish I were more enthusiastic but I’m still upset with my mom. I feel like there’s more to all of this that I don’t know about. I mean, she flew up here supposedly because she was worried about me and Josh, but then she suddenly is okay with everything. It doesn’t make sense. I’m still worried that she wants me to go back to Florida. I can’t let that happen.

I felt like crap this morning. I tossed and turned all night and my eyes hurt from crying. They are so puffy too. I’m ready for a long nap.

I had to work until 4:00 so I was really dragging all day. Josh was scheduled to go home after swimming lessons but we took a few minutes to talk before he left. I told him about the fight with my mom and how she threatened to take me back to Florida with her. He suggested we cool things off so that I can stay. Not what I wanted to hear! I asked him if he was looking for an out…after all this is the second time this week that we’ve discussed cooling things off. He told me that he didn’t want an out and that I shouldn’t worry about things. He gave me a quick kiss and then left.

I spent the rest of the afternoon feeling annoyed. Annoyed with my mom. Annoyed with Josh for being so blasé about this.

I’m starting to think maybe we should cool things off. Not because of my mom, but because of the fact that he’s going away on vacation in a little over a week and then heading to school. I just think I’m going to be crushed when it happens. So why prolong the inevitable? …But I can’t bring myself to do it. I can’t bring myself to turn away because he means so much to me.

When I got home my mom was weird. She apologized for our fight last night and said, “perhaps I overreacted.” WHAT?!?!?!? She flew up here from Florida and now she’s decided that she overreacted?!? I don’t get it. I need a nap. I really need a nap.

This night has been hell. My mom arrived a little while ago and it’s been a nightmare since she got here. She thinks that things are moving too fast between Josh and I. Apparently, Mrs. Anderson told her about walking in on us kissing last week and now my mom thinks that all we do is sit around making out. And that’s totally not the case!

My mom was like, “I like Josh, I really do. I’m just concerned that my sixteen year old daughter-” And then I cut her off and reminded her I’m almost seventeen. She reminded me that he’s nineteen and in college, and living in New York City. It’s like she’s holding it against him that he goes to school in a big city. She also was upset with Aunt Lu for letting me spend the weekend up there. It was so stupid.

I kept getting more and more upset. I told her that I love him and I don’t care what she thinks. She threatened to make me go back to Florida, and I got more upset. I started going on and on about how he was moving back to New York and how that was going to be difficult enough. And there is no way I’m going to move even further away from him!

I ran up to my room. Aunt Lu came up a little later and told me that my mom wouldn’t really make me move back to Florida, but that throwing temper tantrums probably wouldn’t help my case any.

Aunt Lu said she was worried about me because she was afraid my heart would get broken when Josh returns to school. I didn’t want to tell her that I’ve been a little worried about that too. I know that this is not just infatuation. I really am in love with him. He’s it. He’s the one. I look at him and I see my future. I guess I’m just scared that he doesn’t feel as strongly.

I’m just so frustrated right now…with my mom, with the fact that I might be in love alone, with the desire to sneak out so that I can see Josh. I just wish that these things would work themselves out.

I am so annoyed right now. My mother is on a plane to Philadelphia as I write because she thinks I need some parental supervision. Like Aunt Lu isn’t providing that? My mother called Mrs. Anderson and discussed my relationship with Josh with her! She thinks things are moving too fast and that we need to cool things off and take things slowly.

All of this because Aunt Lu came downstairs last night and caught Josh and I kissing on the couch. It’s not like we were in my bedroom, or rolling around naked! We were kissing for Pete’s sake. Grrr… But Aunt Lu said that it looked “pretty intense” and that I should remember that he’s older and probably more experienced and I don’t want to get into a compromising situation. Like Josh would ever do anything I didn’t want him to. It was all so stupid. She mentioned it to my mom this morning and my mom freaked out over it. Now she’s on her way here.

This morning I stopped by the Anderson’s house to get a ride to work with Josh and it must have been right after my mom called Mrs. Anderson. I heard her lecturing him from outside about how I’m only sixteen and he has to be careful. He was like, “Mom, I’m nineteen. You don’t need to lecture me anymore.” She seemed more annoyed and pointed out again that I’m only sixteen. Josh countered with the fact that I’ll be seventeen in three weeks and that she and Mr. Anderson are five years apart. Mrs. Anderson just ignored him and told him he has to be careful because I’m not where he is, that I’m still in high school and that even though I may seem grown up, I’m still a kid.

Josh walked out of the house then. He knew I heard the conversation and looked embarrassed. He told me that the problem wasn’t between the two of us and that no one could keep us from seeing each other.

I wish it had made me feel better. The fact is that my mom is worried enough about this to fly up here. What if she decides to take me back to Florida with her? It’s going to be hard enough having a New York-Pennsylvania relationship. I don’t see how a New York-Florida relationship is possible. God, I hope she doesn’t take me back to Florida. I don’t think I could survive there…not with my Dad’s drinking…not without Josh...and definitely not without Aunt Lu.

The weekend was awesome. We decided to make a weekend out of our dinner cruise to New York. We got two hotel rooms in the city: one for me, Molly and Jen, the other for the guys.

Molly, Jennifer, Josh and I took the train up to the city on Saturday and got there around 12:00. It was so much different from our choir trip. I feel like I really got a feeling for the city. We got hot dogs at Gray Papaya for lunch and ate them in Central Park. We spent the rest of the afternoon walking around Times Square. We spent a lot of time in the Virgin Record Store.

Terry and Duncan (Molly’s date) had to work in the morning but drove up and met us at the hotel before the dinner cruise. The cruise was awesome…even better than last year. It wasn’t raining so we were able to go out on the deck and enjoy it a bit more. It was really hot, but I would have picked hot over raining.

Duncan was trying to talk Molly into breaking up with Alex. He told her to stop pining over him after all that’s he’s put her through this summer. Apparently he’s developed a three step program to help people get over a break up and is willing to help Molly out. I’m not sure what I think of that, but I was happy to see Molly having a good time.

Josh and I danced and stood out on the deck looking at the city skyline. It was incredibly romantic and I’m so glad he bid on me this year.

After the cruise Josh and I separated from the group. We walked along 5th Avenue and around Rockefeller Plaza. It was nice but being in New York reminded me that he would be headed back there soon. It felt like his upcoming return to school was hanging over us, and I couldn’t shake the sadness that came with it. I guess I was unusually quiet, or maybe he just read my thoughts because he asked if I was upset about him moving back to the city.

It’s true, I am worried about him moving back… but mostly because I still feel that I’m in a lot deeper than he is. The words “I love you” are on the tip of my tongue every time we’re together and it takes all of my strength to hold them back. I know it’s stupid but I need to hear him say it and I need to hear him say it first. When he goes back to school, I’m afraid that it will be a set back. Of course I didn’t tell him all of this. I tried to play it cool but he reads me so well that it’s frustrating. So I told him that I thought it would be hard for us to be together with him living in another state.

Then he said, “So…what? You want out?” I started to get worried that he was looking for an out so I said “No. Do you?” I swear my heart was pounding like crazy but he said he doesn’t want out. Then he said, “This is hard for me.” And I had no idea what he was talking about. Aside from ice skating, I’ve never seen Josh have a hard time with anything so I asked him what was hard. He was like, “saying how I feel about things.”

I kind of chuckled, which probably didn’t make him feel much better, but knowing he was scared too was such a relief. I was like, “You can say anything! It’s just me.” And then he laughed and was like “It’s just you? Nicole, do you have any idea how much I want this to work? I have to go back to school but that doesn’t mean that you and I can’t continue.” It was such a relief to talk things out.

On Sunday we got up early – which was torture considering that Josh and I didn’t return to the hotel until 2:30. We went back to Rockefeller Plaza because Molly wanted to see where they do the “Today” show. We grabbed something to eat at Dean and Deluca and shopped in the NBC store before piling into Duncan’s car for a ride back to Princeton (where Josh’s car was parked).

Molly rode back home with Josh and I. She got a call on the way from Alex. He told her he would be back on Friday. Interesting. I can’t wait to see what he has to say for himself!

This week has been so much better than last week. On Tuesday night I was walking out to my car to head over to the swim club to help Jennifer paint the set for the campers' play. As I was walking out, I heard Mrs. Anderson yelling at Josh because he was playing basketball, and I guess Mrs. Anderson thought it was too soon after his head injury to be playing sports. He walked into the front yard and saw me, and I think it annoyed him that his mom was yelling at him in front of me. Then Mrs. Anderson turned to me and said, "Nicole, I'm going out tonight. Will you stop over later and make sure Josh isn't doing any strenuous activity?" I was about to respond when Josh looked at his mother and said, "I can't believe you're asking my girlfriend to baby-sit me!"

"Girlfriend" was the only word that mattered. He called me his girlfriend!!!!!! I told Mrs. Anderson that I would stop over around 9:00. Then I drove off to the swim club as the happiest girl on earth. I called Natalie on my way there to tell her he called me his girlfriend. Then I saw Molly when I got there and we both went crazy!

At 9:00 I stopped by the Anderson's to make sure Josh was taking it easy. The two hours I spent at the swim club felt like torture. All I wanted was to see him since I then knew I was his girlfriend.

When I got there he was the only one home, and he was just sitting around watching TV. When he opened the door I wrapped my arms around and gave him a big kiss. He smiled at me and joked, saying, "maybe you should go back in and we'll do that again."

He was in the mood for cookies, so we sliced up a roll of cookie dough and stuck it in the oven. He had me pressed up against the kitchen counter and was kissing me when his mother walked in. She had her hands on her hips and was like, "I told you not to do anything strenuous!" She was joking and didn't seem all that phased by seeing us kiss, but I was really embarrassed.

The rest of the week has been pretty good with the exception of Alex calling to say he was staying in Europe even longer. I think Molly is really losing patience with him.

That's all for now. The dinner cruise is tomorrow night! Can't wait!

I got to leave work early today. It’s been overcast and rainy the past two days so there wasn’t much going on there. I thought this would be a good time to catch up on blogging.

Friday night was the bachelorette auction. I was nervous about it. I kept thinking that no one would bid for me but I actually had three bidders: Duncan, some random guy I’ve never met, and…Josh. And guess who won? Josh.

I had mixed feelings about it. Part of me thought he was just sleep deprived and didn’t know what he was doing. Another part of me was afraid that this would just stir up more disappointment. And the other part of me was thrilled that he still wanted me despite me breaking up with him.

When the auction was over I went over to him. He told me that Lauren had told him what I had told her…about how I didn’t like being one of many girls. He asked why I thought he was dating other girls. Then he was like, “There are no other girls. Nicole, I moved home this summer to be with you.” I responded with, “No, you moved home to be with your friends.” Then he as like, “No, I moved home to be with you.”

I couldn’t really say anything. I felt like such an idiot for assuming that because other girls wanted him, he would want them back. Especially since he’s never given me reason to think he’d lie or mess around behind my back. So after an agonizing moment of realization I apologized. And I think we’re back together but I’m not completely sure. All I know is that we have a date on the dinner cruise this Saturday night.

After our talk, he left to go home and sleep since it had been almost 40 hours since he’d last slept. Molly and I went out afterwards. On Saturday Josh was still “out sick” due to his head injury and I didn’t see him until Sunday. He was put on desk duty in the office so I got to spend some time with him at work on Sunday. I don’t think he did much work. All of the little kids kept coming in to see him and see how his head was doing. It was kind of cute.

So this weekend is going to be eventful. The camp staff talent show is on Friday night. Jennifer and I are singing two duets: “Emotions” (Destiny’s Child/Bee Gees) and “To Love Somebody” (Bee Gees). Saturday night is the dinner cruise.

Well, that’s all for now. I’m going to take Aunt Lu to the grocery store. She’s still moving really slow from her hip injury. More later!

My world is like crazy drama world. Yesterday was awful. I was outside talking to Molly on the deck of the snack bar when I heard commotion down by the pools. Josh was running over to the diving pool yelling at Duncan (the lifeguard guarding the diving pool) to not let a little boy dive because he didn’t know how to swim. Well, the kid dove in (I think it was a dare or something). Josh dove in after him from the side of the pool and clipped the side of the diving board with his head. Duncan dove in to get the little boy and realized Josh hadn’t come back up. It was horrible. He and Terry both went back in for Josh. Josh came out of the pool conscious but really out of it and his head was bleeding.

Lauren was freaking out. I was freaking out. Henry and Jill were trying to calm us down, get help and tend to Josh. An ambulance came and took him and Lauren to the emergency room. I was going to follow but I was too frazzled to drive so Jennifer took me over.

I knew he was going to be okay but I was really worried, and very upset. I know without a doubt that I love him now, but I can’t go back to being one of a million girls. Ugghhh…

The doctors said he would be okay and that he had a mild concussion and not to let him go to sleep. Mrs. Anderson took us home, dropping Lauren and I off at the swim club to get my car. I guess she thought I needed company. We got in the car and I just started crying. Lauren seemed confused, and was asking me why I broke up with him if I like him so much. I told her about the other girls and she told me that to her knowledge there are no other girls. That kind of made me feel better and worse.

Once I calmed down I managed to get us safely home. Molly, Terry, Jen, Lauren and I hung out with Josh last night trying to keep him awake. It was weird for me. The whole night was awkward. It was like we both wanted to say something to the other but couldn’t.

We finally left this morning at 6:00. I slept until 1:00. Now I have to get ready for the stupid auction tonight. I totally don’t want to do it anymore, but I have to. Maybe I’m just grumpy from a horrible day, stressful night, and lack of sleep.

Well, Josh and I are over. Finished.

It's just so frustrating. I thought that once people knew we were dating that his fan club (all of the girls that are constantly around him) would back off. But they don't. It's like he's more attractive to them because he's taken. I actually saw some girl give him her phone number on Monday. I was standing 20 feet away. I know we don't have any committment to each other, I know he's free to do as he pleases, but I just can't take watching him with other girls. I get so jealous...and it brings out all of the bad in me. So last night I broke things off.

Needless to say, it wasn't a fun night and today hasn't been a fun day. I called out sick to work so I wouldn't have to see him. I know it's just prelonging the inevitable, but I needed a day to regroup.

Molly tried to console me by reminding me that the bachelorette auction is on Friday and maybe a cute guy will bid on me. I think she's hoping that will happen for her. She's still pretty upset that things with Alex aren't going so well. We're going out tonight to try to forget those stupid boys.