Last night was a disaster. And that’s putting it lightly. Once again, things are off with Josh. And considering the way we left things, I’m willing to bet that they will stay off.

We went to the mall last night to pick up some things he needed to take to school. I’ve been feeling sensitive as it is about him leaving so that definitely didn’t help. I was quiet and withdrawn the whole night…not on purpose, I was just feeling sad because I love him so much and he’s leaving.

By the time we pulled up outside his house I think he was really frustrated because he could tell something was wrong. He kept asking me and finally I told him that I thought our time was up. He told me he didn’t see why the end of the summer had to mean the end of us. I should have told him that he was right, that I want to work things out. I should have told him anything, but I told him it was over!

He looked really frustrated and kept asking me why. I started to get more upset and just started going on and on about how I can’t do this anymore, how I can’t pretend that our feelings are equal and how I need to let go.

That’s when he started to get angry. He was like, “what are you talking about?” I told him that I can’t pretend what we have is some big love affair when in reality it was nothing more than a little fling. That made him angrier and he started yelling at me saying that he gave up his summer for me, that he handed it over to me on a silver platter, and how if all he wanted was a fling he could have had one with half a dozen girls in New York. Then he said, “I came home this summer for something real, for something with substance, for something with you. If what we had this summer was only a fling it’s because you made it that way.” And then he stormed off.

I spent the night locked up in my room crying, sitting with both the phone and cell phone beside me. I guess I thought he would call but he didn’t.

This morning I went into work but I was too afraid of running into him so I told Henry that Jennifer needed help cleaning up the drama room now that camp is over. I was surprised but Jennifer was actually really nice about everything. I almost felt better after spending the morning with her. By the time we were finished Josh was gone. He only worked the morning hours and then left.

I don’t know what to do now. I want to take it all back. I want him to call or stop by and tell me that he wants to be with me as much as I want to be with him. I just don’t think it’s going to happen. He looked so mad last night…angrier than I’ve ever seen him.

I’m just so torn. On one hand, I wonder if I screwed up the best thing that’s ever happened to me. Did I lose the one person who’s been on my side since the day we met? The one person who really gets me? Are we soul mates, destined to be together? Then, there’s the other hand that says: “Fool, forget him. He’s going to break your heart and tear it into little pieces, leaving nothing behind but scar tissue. Be glad you let him go before you got in too deep. He’s just not that into you.” I wish I knew who to listen to.

P.S. – Molly and Alex broke up last night too. :(