I am so torn. I want this competition to be over because I want to tell Josh that I love him. But I don't want it to be over because it kind of holds things together. I mean, right now we have to spend time together - lots of time together. When it's over it's all going to be up to him...whether he loves me, whether he wants to spend time with me.... What if the competition ends and I find out that none of this is real? What if he doesn't want me, doesn't love me the way he used to? What if it's all an illusion?

And I'm so freaked out because when the summer ends, Josh leaves for England - for FOUR Months! I can't stand that idea of him being gone that long. Not that it will matter if he doesn't love me.

It all comes back to that: does he love me like he did before? He looks at me like he does, he does things that indicate that he does, but until I hear the words come out of his mouth I can't be sure. And he can't tell me because I made him agree to this stupid pact! AURRRGGGGHHHH!

DISCLAIMER: Author of this blog has NO CLUE when it comes to men.