On the Tenth Day of Christmas, my true love gave to me ten romantic dances. He created a playlist of songs that have a romantic memories for us. We went down in the dance studio, turned on the mirror ball and colored lights and danced to all ten songs. It was our 2013 do-over, which was a much better Christmas than 2012. We celebrated it by having the mistletoe kiss that he had wanted.

On the Eleventh Day of Christmas, we had a 2014 do-over and celebrated with 11 snow day activities (the kind you do indoors since there was no real snow outside). That was the year he kept showing up to help me out on snow days, and we had so much fun together. I had finally gotten up the nerve to talk to him about us getting back together but the snow never came again, and that dynamic slipped away once more.

I had devised a plan to lure him into my bedroom, but there was no more snow. I confessed this to him, and he seemed both disappointed to have missed out on it, and completely intrigued. He kept pressing me for details of my plan but I was too embarrassed to tell him. In all honesty, as I look back on it, my plan to seduce him was pretty pathetic and the Universe probably did me a favor by not dropping more snow on us!

I changed the subject by thanking him for the Christmas do-overs, but told him it wasn’t necessary. We went through what we went through to get back here. Truth be told, 2006 was my worst Christmas ever. 2010-2014 weren’t that bad. He agreed that 2006 was not a good Christmas for him either. He asked if we should do that one over. I told him I’d rather just leave it in the past and be grateful for Christmas 2015.

On the sixth day of Christmas, half a dozen roses were delivered to me at the dance studio with a note that said, “Six roses for my true love on the sixth day of Christmas. Let’s plan to meet at 6:00 for a quick dinner before the party tonight. Love, Josh.”

The party was Angelo’s holiday party. He and Mona are married now (not sure if I ever mentioned that). They have a spectacular house and the party was hosted there. They have it there every year. I’ve been invited every year but kind of avoided it because of Josh. I actually went two years ago with Josh (as friends) but other than that I’ve declined. It was nice to finally get there with Josh as more than friends.

We were slow dancing at one point and he confessed that he had seriously thought about trying to get me under the mistletoe two years ago. I said, “maybe we should get under it now.” He smiled at me, took my hand and walked me over to the mistletoe and gave me a sweet kiss.

The seventh day of Christmas was different from the other days so far. Josh came over after lunch and announced that for the seventh day of Christmas, we were going to celebrate the Christmas we didn’t have in 2010. He handed me seven letters and said, that they were seven letters that he wrote that year but never sent. He told me after I never responded to any of his letters, he stopped sending them. He wrote them because he felt like he needed to write some stuff out. He wasn’t sure why he kept them until recently, when he decided he was going to give them to me.

Reading them was tough. I was finally able to see what he went through - thinking that I was ignoring him, and trying to let go of me. My heart broke reading them, but it also healed as I learned what was really going on. He said he wanted a 2010 do over, so we went out and pretended it was 2010 (he created a playlist of songs popular in 2010) and we had dinner and walked through town.

The eighth day of Christmas was the day we planned to go to NYC for the day. We took the train up and had a long and exhausting day. When we got home, he gave me a list. He said we were redoing Christmas 2011. That was the year that he had his appendix out and I confessed to him about the pictures in my head of our future together. I thought he was unconscious for my little confession, but I recently found out he had heard all of it.

His list was the 8 pictures in his head of our future: me in a white dress and him in a tuxedo, us standing in front of a house, an ultrasound picture, a second ultrasound picture, us and the kids at Disney World, just the two of us in Paris, the kids’ weddings, and the birth of grandchildren. He said, “you’re by my side in everyone.”

The Ninth Day of Christmas was the day we had a 2012 redo. It was the year that Josh’s dad

got sick. We weren’t together but he leaned on me quite a bit for several weeks that year. I actually thought we might get back together at one point but he was so focused on his family that it didn’t happen. He actually moved home with his parents for the second half of that year.

Christmas in 2012 was kind of depressing. It just had a sad feeling about it. My life was okay, but it was hard to watch the Andersons going through such a difficult time. Things were so uncertain for them, and I had lost a parent so I knew how scared Josh and Lauren were feeling. Now, you’ve probably figured out that Mr. Anderson is okay, but at the time we didn’t know what was going to happen.

There was no big Christmas Eve party at the Anderson’s house that year. There wasn’t much celebration at all. It was a tough year.

I could understand why Josh would want a do-over on 2012, but he didn’t want the sadness of that year to cloud our fun now so we watched “Christmas Vacation” for some laughter, and he gave me a note with the nine reasons I’m “his person.”

The fourth day of Christmas was also the night of the Holiday Concert that Josh’s students do each year so I knew there would be no prolonged romantic moments between us, but I did get an order of 4 large chocolate covered strawberries sent to me at the dance studio.

That night I went to the concert. It was the first time I’ve ever seen Josh’s students perform. It was really cool to watch. It doesn’t feel like all that long ago that we were on the high school stage performing, and now he’s the teacher. It kind of makes me feel old!

They had a small reception after the concert. I was talking with his parents when a few of the girls from his class ran over to me. I recognized them from the audience of the dance competition. They were going on and on about how they loved how I danced with “Mr. Anderson,” and they were so sad when I sprained my ankle. One of them asked if I was dating him. Josh walked up right then and cut them off with, “Ladies, I see you’ve met Ms. Bradford.” One of the girls smiled and said, “We love her! We think you should love her and dance with her again!” Josh just smiled at them and said, “I’ll take that under advisement.”

It was kind of nice to have some audience members that were female that seem to adore me and not just Josh. ;)

On the fifth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, a delicious 5 course meal. I didn’t know what to expect last night. He sent me a text around lunch time and told me to be at his apartment around 7:00 and to come hungry. I got there at 7:00 sharp and found him in the kitchen preparing a 5 course meal for us! He had also decorated his apartment with little white Christmas lights and had candles lit. It was so pretty and romantic.

We had an appetizer, soup, salad, a chicken dish and dessert - all of it prepared by him, with the exception of the dessert, which he confessed to ordering at the local bakery.

I am just so touched by the amount of thought, time and effort that he’s put into this for me. I don’t think anyone has ever made me feel so special before.

I asked him why he was doing all of this. He said, “We promised we’d always be together at Christmas and I broke that promise. I want to make up for the five years that we missed.” I told him he didn’t need to make up for anything and that our five years apart were just as much my doing as his. He said, “I know, but I am making it up for myself as much as I am making it up for you. I really wish we had had those years.” I agreed and told him that I wish had had them too, but I also realize that we needed those years apart to grow up and experience life separately so that we could come together now. I really think that things had to happen in their own time. There have been times over the past five years where I thought maybe we’d be together again, but things never felt right - not like the do now. They feel right now.

I told him that I appreciate all of the gestures, but more than the things themselves, I am grateful for how he’s made me feel. It’s pretty amazing when the person that is so special to you, makes you feel like you are special to them. That is the best Christmas present I could ever have. The gestures themselves are nice, but that feeling is priceless.

The second day of Christmas was equally awesome, even though it was technically the third day. We went for a ride on a two horse drawn carriage. It was so romantic. Josh brought a blanket for us to cuddle under and a thermos filled with hot chocolate.

I’ve been hooked on the Hallmark Christmas movies and I’m starting to feel like I’m living one right now. Since our talk on Saturday, things have been so much better. He’s kissing me again, putting his arms around me and holding my hand. I feel like we’re really together again.

We ended up swapping the 2nd and 3rd days of Christmas. Apparently, the rain put a damper (ha ha, see what I did there?) on the 2nd day of Christmas activity so we are rescheduling that for tonight. Last night we celebrated the 3rd day of Christmas.

On the third day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, 3 hours of doing whatever I wanted. I used them to make him watch a Hallmark Christmas movie with me. We watched the one that came on this past weekend, “On The Twelfth Day of Christmas.” I think Josh actually liked it. He seemed pretty engrossed in it and it was fitting since he’s giving me 12 Days of Christmas.

The movie wasn’t three hours so I wanted to use the rest of my time to start a second movie. I found one on demand, but it wasn’t quite as good. After about twenty minutes in, Josh looked at me and said, “you so want to make out with me right now.” I laughed, “I think you’re bored and you want to make out with me so you’re pretending that I want to make out with you so that you can get the conversation started.” He just shrugged and said, “I was only trying to help you out…” Yeah right! But he kissed me anyway and we did end up kissing through the rest of the movie.

When it was time for him to leave he said, “I enjoyed my evening, but being close to you makes it harder to leave. And to stick with this taking-it-slow thing.” I agreed but told him I would prefer this type of frustration over not getting to be close to him at all.

I had an awesome afternoon yesterday. Josh’s surprise is that he’s doing the 12 Days of Christmas for me! Technically they are supposed to be the 12 days after Christmas but he wanted to lead up to Christmas.

He didn’t get me a partridge in a pear tree, in case you’re wondering. ;)

For the first day of Christmas we had a 1 hour couple’s massage. It was amazing. It was so relaxing, and the best part was that we did it together. I’m not sure if it was our conversation on Saturday or the fact that he was so relaxed, but I was able to convince him to come back to the apartment with me to watch a movie. We cuddled up on the couch together. There was actual physical contact. It was wonderful.

We ordered a pizza and then I told him that I wanted to bake cookies. He accused me of giving him a face to convince him to help. I told him I had no idea what he was talking about and asked what face I was giving him. He said, “It’s the same face that got me to drive you across the state of Pennsylvania in February to watch a rodent look for his shadow at five o’clock in the morning.” I smiled at him, “Sounds like a pretty persuasive face.” Then I grabbed his hand and dragged him into the kitchen to make gingerbread cookies.

I was getting the cookies into the oven when the pizza arrived so we had dinner and then I got him to stick around for another movie. I tried to use my persuasive face to get him to watch a Hallmark Christmas movie with me, but he wasn’t giving in so we watched Elf.

I’m excited to see what we’re going to do for the second day of Christmas. He told me to be ready to go out by 5:00. I can’t wait!

I went over to Aunt Lu’s house yesterday to help Josh put up the Christmas lights. Of course Aunt Lu pulled me into the house to help her bake cookies so I wasn’t much help to Josh. She started asking how things were going with him, and I told her that I didn’t know and that I found his actions confusing. I mean, one minute we’re dancing and flirting, and the next minute, he’s giving me a peck on the lips like I’m someone he doesn’t want to be kissing at all! I actually started to get a little emotional and I found myself crying and saying, “I love him so much and I really, really want this to work out.” She gave me a hug and encouraged me to go back outside with him. I made two cups of hot chocolate and went out and sat down on the front porch.

He said he was almost ready for a break and that he’d be down from the roof in a couple minutes. While I was sitting there waiting, I broached the subject of Lauren coming to live with me. I was saying something like, “At some point I think, I mean, I guess you’ll be staying over and I wasn’t sure how you’d feel about Lauren being in the next bedroom.”

He came climbing down the ladder then and said, “I’m really sorry, Nicole.” I immediately freaked out. I jumped up from where I was sitting and said, “Oh my God. You’re breaking up with me.” I started pacing on the porch and he rushed over to me and said, “No! I’m not breaking up with you. I’m not - I’m apologizing to you.” I looked at him and he continued to tell me that he heard my conversation with Aunt Lu. The back window was open and he had heard everything I said.

He told me that we had agreed to take things slowly, so he was trying to honor that. I told him that I can appreciate slow, but I felt like he put the brakes on things. He agreed and said, “I want this to work so badly that I was trying to do everything right, and I ended up doing everything wrong.” I told him that our private dance party the night before wasn’t wrong at all, but I wished he hadn’t run off as soon as it was over. He pulled me into his arms and said, “I’m sorry about that.” He kissed me then - for real.

Then he pulled away and said, “were you asking me if my sister could move in with you?” I smiled at him and he said, “When I imagine myself staying over at your place, I don’t imagine my sister being there.” I smiled at him again and said, “You imagine yourself staying over at my place?” He said, “of course!” I asked him how often he imagines it and he laughed and said, “It might be easier to list the times I’m not thinking about it.”

We ended up deciding that Lauren shouldn’t move into my apartment, but I am still considering letting her have the second apartment.

So Josh is going to be here in a hour with a surprise for me. I have no idea what he’s up to, but he called this morning and told me to be ready by 2:30 to head out for a surprise. I can’t wait to see what it is!

Things have still be a little weird with Josh, he’s been holding back somehow, but last night we had a good time. I was hosting a dance lesson and party at the dance studio. Josh had a holiday party to go to for work so he came by the studio a little late.

I didn’t see him come in and was on the opposite side of the room when “Hungry Eyes” started to play. I glanced at the DJ because the song wasn’t on my list and saw Josh standing there. He gave me a smile and motioned for me to come to him. I gave him a look and he motioned again. I shook my head and smiled. He walked over to me and held out his hand and I teased him by looking away. He pretended to dance by himself and I just started laughing, and then joined him on the dance floor to Rhumba to the song. He kept trying to break frame and put his hands on my waist, and I kept scolding him and trying to get him back on track until I finally gave up and let him pull me in. He pulled me real close, flashed a smile at me and said, “hi.” He is so adorable. I couldn’t help but grin as I said “hi” back.

After the party ended, Josh stuck around to help me clean up, but we ended up dancing for another two hours! We flirted with each other as we danced to Usher’s “Yeah!” (still love that song), I sang to him while we danced a Rhumba to “Hello Stranger” (a song I once sang to him), and he sang to me while we slow danced to “I Only Have Eyes For You” (a song he once sang to me). It was flirty and fun and just what we needed. And when he kissed me, he really kissed me. He didn’t seem like he was holding back at all while we were on the dance floor.

But then we started to get tired. I really didn’t want him to leave, but he promised Aunt Lu that he’d put Christmas light up on her house this morning and so he wanted to get home to bed. He walked me up to my apartment and kissed me goodnight, and suddenly he was reserved again. I just don’t understand it. I want fun, flirty, doesn’t hold back Josh. I don’t understand why he is keeping me at arm’s length.  

Tonight is the night that Josh and I finally get to perform our routine to “Dear Future Husband.” I’m really disappointed that we didn’t get to do it as part of the competition, but at least we get to dance together on stage again.

Things have been a little weird. I feel like he’s keeping me at arm’s length - literally at arm’s length. We see each other a lot and we go out and have fun and laugh, but when it comes to being physically close he holds back. It makes me nervous about where he stands and that maybe he doesn’t feel as strongly for me as I thought he did...but the way he looked at me the night before Thanksgiving and the way he kissed me were so intense and I could feel his feelings for me. I just don’t understand why he is holding back so much. I feel like he touched me more before we started dating again. It’s frustrating. After so much time apart, all I want is to be close to him. I’m trying not to panic or jump to conclusions the way I would have when we were younger. I am trying to be mature about this and see how things play out.

Lauren got a new job and asked if she could rent out my second bedroom. I’m on the fence about it. I haven’t had a roommate since Lindsay moved out a few years ago. Part of me thinks it would be nice to have the company, but she’s Josh’s sister. Would it be too weird for him if he sleeps over and she’s in the next room? Of course, him sleeping over would have to mean he wants to be near me!

I do have a second apartment that’s been empty. I’ve mostly been using it as a space for my instructors to shower and change after their classes. I could offer that to her. It would be nice to have some extra income and it would be nice to not be alone in that building at night. Hmm...this could work!

It’s amazing how opening up the lines of communication can help everything start to come out, and as things come out, healing occurs.

Josh and I have had some really great conversations this week. I finally told him how I got the letters that went missing after he moved back to the East Coast. He wasn’t happy that Molly had kept them from me, but I reminded him that this happened over five years ago and that I didn’t tell him back then because I didn’t want to ruin their friendship.

We also talked about my visit to his hospital room after this surgery. He brought this up. I thought he was unconscious when I poured my heart out to him but apparently he heard everything I said to him that night, he just didn’t know if it was real or a dream. I told him it was real, and he told me that he wished I had said it when he was more coherent. I get it, but that would have required way more courage than I had back then.

I realized as we talked that I had to let him off the hook for everything that happened in the past if we were going to have a future. I had to forgive and let go of all of the old grievances. I told him that I know it wasn’t his fault, that we were young and we both played our parts. I think a part of me always thought that I didn’t deserve him. He said, “You have to take me off the pedestal and let me be your partner.” Good point.

We agreed that we were going to appreciate the past, the laughter, the smiles, the experiences we shared, but this is a new start. We’ve been apart for five years and this is a good opportunity to reset and come together as two adults instead of two lovesick kids.

That said, I do feel lovesick for him. My heart longs for him with more intensity each second we’re together, but we have decided to take things slowly so that we can do it right.

On an unrelated, but still happy note, the doctor gave me the green light to start dancing again! Woo hoo!

Okay, so a little more about my weekend…

After my song was over and Josh and I stopped kissing, I started to feel kind of woozy. All of the anxiety leading up to the song caught up with me, and I had wanted to look good on stage so I wore high heels - big mistake for my poor sprained ankle.

I asked Josh to help me sit down. We walked over to the edge of the stage and we sat down. Lauren ran over and was so excited that I sang. The Andersons also came over and said I did a great job. (Their presence there was part of the reason I had been so nervous...singing a love song to a guy in front of his parents...scary!)

Once I started to feel a little better, Josh and I walked over to my apartment. I sat down on the couch and iced my ankle and we talked. I told him that I’m confused about a lot of things, but I’m not confused about the fact that I love him and want to be with him. He said he felt the same way.

He brought up my accusation about broken promises and not spending Christmases together, and said that he didn’t realize I had wanted that promise to be kept. I told him how hard Christmas has been for me - not that I’ve had miserable Christmases the past five years, but I always find myself missing him and feeling like there is an empty space without him. Christmas was our holiday. We shared our first kiss on Christmas Eve and I’ve missed him so much. I told him that I would listen to Mariah Carey’s song “Miss You Most At Christmas Time” and think of him.

We talked a bit longer and then he headed home, but we made plans for him to join me at Lindsay and Henry’s for Thanksgiving appetizers and then I’d go to his parents’ house later in the evening for dessert.

Thanksgiving was nice and I was so glad to have Josh with me. His family’s house was beautiful and festive as usual. It was nice to be there with them. After dessert Josh took me into the living room and told me that he wanted to play me a song on the piano. He asked me to sit down next to him and he started to play “I Don’t Want to Spend One More Christmas Without You.”

My heart melted. He looked at me as he sang the words, “we will have the best time that we ever knew, if you forgive me and I forgive you.” It was perfect. Every word in that song was perfect. And he winked at me when he sang “whatever we lost when we were apart, we’ll find it all alone in the dark.” I was feeling a little emotional, but I couldn’t help but grin when he did that.

I hate to gloss over the rest of the weekend, but this blog is getting long. We had a nice time. He helped me put up the Christmas tree on Friday and then on Saturday he took me out to a romantic restaurant - the kind where you get dressed up and dine by candlelight.  It’s been one of the best Thanksgiving weekends I’ve ever had.

It has been a busy Thanksgiving weekend, and I am finally getting to sit down and process it all now.

Wednesday night was my big night. I went to Angelo’s fully prepared to sing, but when I got there I started to chicken out. The guys were in one of their set breaks and Josh was talking to Laura (girl from a long time ago that followed him to England). I couldn’t help it - it really upset me. I told Alex that I didn’t want to sing.

A minute later Josh walked over to me and gave me a big hug and said, “I’m just going to keep my arms around you for a minute so that we can talk uninterrupted.” He pulled back enough to look at me and said, “I saw your face while I was talking to her and I realized I needed to come over here.” He then went on to say that spending time apart isn’t the answer. If we’re going to try to work things out we need to be together and he asked if he could stop over after they were finished for the night.

At this point I decided again that I would sing. I was pretty scared though. Alex gave me a really nice intro. He made Josh go sit in the audience and he told the story of why Josh stopped singing the song and said that they had someone special to sing it that night.

I was still debating whether I’d go out on stage, and Angelo practically had to push me. “If you do this, you and Josh will be back together in three minutes,” he told me. I was scared but I got out there. I started to sing and the look on Josh’s face was so sweet - he looked so happy. I also heard Lauren give a big cheer. It put me at ease momentarily, but then I started to feel really emotional. Alex walked up behind me and put his hand on my back for support but I started to feel like I was going to burst into tears. I saw Alex motion to Josh, and then Josh walked up on stage and sang the last verse of the song to me. Angelo was right - by the end of the song, Josh’s arms were wrapped around me and he was kissing me.

It was a great night.

I am going to do it. I’m scared out of my mind, but I’m going to sing to Josh tonight. Fingers crossed that it works...

I had coffee with Lauren yesterday afternoon. It was a pretty shocking conversation. Somehow we ended up talking about the engagement ring that Natalie found in Josh’s drawer last year. I asked her if she knew who it was for and she said it was for me! She said he bought it years ago when he was still in California - right before he moved home and started teaching. He wanted to buy it while he was making lots of money and figured he’d give it to me when the time was right, but the time hasn't ever been right.

So with that said... Lauren has been known to manipulate and stretch the truth a little... so I don’t know if I should trust this story or not. What if she’s making it up? She has always wanted me and Josh to be together. I don’t know what to think.

She told me that Josh is tired of waiting around for me and is starting to consider moving on. This I believe. I can tell that he’s feeling done.

Alex and I went out to dinner later in the evening and I was talking to him about Lauren’s story. He said he didn’t know anything about an engagement ring, but he did know that Josh hasn’t had any girlfriends serious enough for a ring. He said that if I love Josh I need to go for it.

I agreed with him but complained that I don’t know what to do. He had an idea...he thinks I should sing with the Doo Wop guys on Wednesday night. At the end of the set, he wants to send Josh into the audience and bring me out to sing “This I Swear.”

He confirmed that they used to call it “Nicole’s Song” and that Josh has refused to sing it since we broke up. He is convinced that this will get me back in Josh’s good graces.

I like the idea, but it really scares me to death. Getting up in front of all of those people and laying it on the line...Do I have the guts to do it?

I’m back in Pennsylvania. I got to Florida, and instead of feeling like I could clear my mind, I felt panicked - like leaving was going to be the very end of me and Josh for ever. I moped around for a few days. Lindsay mentioned that Josh was over at Aunt Lu’s house last weekend cleaning her gutters and it made me so sad that he would help her even though he and I aren’t together. On Thursday I worked up the courage and Facetimed him. We talked for a few minutes and I apologized for taking off. He agreed that we could talk some more when I got home.

I hopped a plane the next day and was home that night. Josh came over last night to talk. I told him how disappointed I was that he had to leave the dance competition and that I wanted him to stay in it so that we could stay connected. He said that we didn’t need the competition to stay connected and that he didn’t enter it to win a trophy, he entered it to win me.

He then went on to say that I was right that we didn’t know how to be in an adult relationship, and he doesn’t know how to fix it. He said he needed time to sort it out, but that we could keep talking. So that’s where we left things.

I’m not feeling that good about it. I feel like I’ve lost him. I feel like I had his interest and now I’ve lost it, and I don’t know how to fix it. And I don’t know how we fall in love as adults and put the teenage romance behind us.

Josh and I had an explosive fight Wednesday night. It was bad. I was still mad at him for pulling out of the competition and then all of this stuff from the past came up. I was just so infuriated with him for all of the times he has left me to go to New York, or England or California. I was yelling at him, and then he started yelling at me about how he moved mountains to come home and put down roots here but it was “too little, too late” for me.

It was spiraling downward quickly and I found myself accusing him of breaking promises. He said that was “bull shit” and I reminded him how we promised that we’d always be together at Christmas but he broke the promise. Now all of this stuff was pre-2010 so I don’t even know why we were fighting but we were both so mad.

I finally said, “I can’t do this. I can’t do it, Josh. I can’t revert back to that old person that I once was. I don’t think we can have an adult relationship.” So we ended things...things that had barely begun.

Yesterday John called again and asked if I could come down to Florida for a few days to help out with a few financial decisions that we need to make. I figured “why not?” it’s not like I have a dance competition to be in anymore. I can’t teach any of my dance classes right now because of my ankle so I agreed to go.

I sent Josh a text and told him, “I’m going down to Florida for a bit.” We ended things so I thought I was being considerate by letting him know. He texted me back, “Sure, run away...again.”

He showed up at my door a couple hours later and apologized for our fight, but then got mad at me when I told him that I was still going to Florida. I tried to explain to him that it was only for a couple of weeks. He was acting like I was moving away forever. “You always just run away when things get tough,” he said.

I was really ticked. Yes, I have run away in the past, but it was after years of him coming and going. I just need time to think without him around. I’m in Florida now at my mom’s house and that’s what I plan to do...get some time and perspective.

Josh doesn’t want to dance in the competition without me so we are going to leave the competition tonight. I am really upset about it. I wanted him to continue on. I wanted him to keep dancing. We found another dancer to dance with him and she was willing to have me there for rehearsals and to give input on choreography but Josh refused.

He told me, “I didn’t enter this competition to win, I entered to dance with you. If I’m not dancing with you, I’m not dancing at all.” Sweet right? So why I am so mad?

I am just so mad. He explained to me that it would be weird to dance with someone else, and he thought I would feel weird watching him. He said that we wouldn’t really be spending time together because we’d always have a third person with us.

I am so angry and sad and disappointed right now.

I have been using this time that I have to be off my feet to work on some things for my dad’s business. John keeps asking me if I will consider returning to Florida. I love working down there, but I have my own business here and my family and friends are here. Josh is here. I can’t leave.

I haven’t had any luck convincing Josh to stay in the competition. They are going to use a video of our rehearsal to see if we can advance another week. I am hoping we get through and Josh will agree to dance with someone else. He was meant to win this competition. I can't let him back out.

I sprained my ankle. ARRRRRRGGGGHHHHHHH!!!! I am so upset right now. It happened late yesterday afternoon. We were rehearsing and something went wrong and then agonizing pain. I can’t even put weight on it right now. Jason came over last night and looked at it and diagnosed it as a sprain but told me to go see my doctor in case they want to do X-rays. Josh is off from work today so he took me to see the doctor this morning and it is in fact a sprain and I can’t dance for four weeks. I can’t even begin to tell you how upset I am right now.

I really wanted Josh to win this competition and I’m devastated that we can’t dance together anymore. I didn’t even realize how much I had invested in this. It was my time to be with him, to reconnect with him, to figure out what we are to each other. I am trying to see if I can find him a new partner to help him get to the end of the competition so that I can dance in the finals with him. When I told him this, he didn’t seem to happy about it and said we need to think about that some more.

I just feel like this has brought out so many fears in me. I am so scared that we were connecting and we’ll lose it. I’m scared that he’s going to break my heart again. I feel like the insecure teenager that moved here almost twelve years ago and I can’t stand it, and that makes me scared too. What if being with Josh makes me act like I did back then? What if I can’t have an adult relationship with him because all we know is how to be teenagers together?

I am in total freak out mode right now. I am stuck sitting on my couch with my leg elevated and nothing to do but freak out, and my mind is just playing out everything bad that has happened and can happen. I am so scared that Adult Nicole and Adult Josh don’t really know each other. What if we’re just dredging up an old romance and it was never meant to work? But when I imagine the big moments in my life, I imagine him there. He’s the only one I can see.

Okay, I need to stop. Josh went out to get some things and he’ll be back soon and I need to be calm and collected so that we can discuss the competition.

Josh and I rehearsed all day yesterday. It was a long day but I’m feeling pretty good about this dance. We’re ahead of our usual progress at this point in the week so I’m not stressing over it.

He was getting tired by the end of the day and convinced me to take a dinner break. We went over to his apartment and cooked together. I was impressed that he’s gotten pretty good in the kitchen, and the food tasted great.

After dinner he twisted my arm into staying and watching a movie instead of going back to rehearsals. I don’t normally like to slack on rehearsal because we have such limited time but we were exhausted and the dance is coming along really well. We ended up watching “Pitch Perfect 2,” which really wasn’t that good, but we sat close, shared popcorn and about halfway through, he took my hand. At that point, I couldn’t even really focus on the movie. I just kept thinking how good it felt to hold hands. I kept thinking, “if it feels this good to just sit here holding hands, then how can I even question whether or not I’m still in love with him?”

He walked me home and I kept wondering if we had just had a date and where things were going. “I want more nights like this,” he told me when we got to my door. I told him that I did too and then he kissed me all I could think is “I love this man.”

When he pulled away, he said, “you remember this kiss now, okay?” I laughed and nodded and then said, “but not because it’s our final kiss ever.” He smiled at me and said, “not by a long shot.”

We rehearsed last night for several hours. Josh knows the East Coast Swing pretty well so I was happy that I didn’t have to go through introductory steps. We were able to jump in to learning the choreography pretty quickly. It was a good rehearsal, but we’re both feeling pretty sore from the non-stop dancing.

We took a late evening break to go get some Chinese food with Natalie and Jason. It was fun going out and having fun, and Natalie didn’t say anything to embarrass me this time.

Josh walked me home after dinner. When we got to the door we said goodnight and I started inside. He grabbed my hand and said, “I just want to clarify something: there’s a difference between the last time we kissed and the final time we’ll ever kiss.” I just looked at him not really knowing what to say. I wasn’t sure where he was going, but he continued. “What we had last weekend was the last time we kissed, not the final time we’ll ever kiss. Okay?” I have to admit that I was pretty surprised by this but I nodded and said, “Okay.” He smiled then and said, “okay” and then he left.

So the last time we kissed wasn’t the last time ever. I wonder when the next time will be.

The past few days have gone by in a blur. Lots of rehearsal for the competition - to the point where I’m in pain. It’s been 70 degrees here so on Tuesday night, Josh suggested we drive over to his parents’ house to use the hot tub after rehearsals. We went over there and I wondered if he was expecting anything to happen in that hot tub, but his mom ended up coming outside and sitting next to the hot tub and talking to us.

Yesterday I was sitting at my desk and listening to the song that Josh sang at the bonfire the other night, “Come A Little Closer.” I was kind of daydreaming and listening to the song when I realized that someone was standing in the doorway. It was Josh. He had stopped by the dance studio to see me.

He smiled at me and said, “You’re listening to ‘Come A Little Closer.’”

I am sure I turned all shades of red. I played it off as “I’ve been listening to Dierks Bentley since you sang his song - it reminded me that I like his music” so that he didn’t think I was just playing that one song on a loop. Thankfully, another Dierks Bentley song came on right after it.

He was grinning though and I’m pretty sure he thought I was listening to the song and daydreaming about him, which may or may not have been the case...

We danced our Quickstep last night and it went so well. I couldn’t imagine it going any better than it did. It was fun and danced perfectly. We were both really happy with the way it went. We are doing the East Coast Swing to “Dear Future Husband” this coming week. I’m excited. It’s a great song and now that we’ve hit our stride, I know we’re going to knock everyone’s socks off!

We spent hours rehearsing yesterday. My feet, my legs, and my back are so achy. This isn’t as easy as it was eight years ago.

After a very long rehearsal, Josh offered to buy me dinner so we headed into town to get something to eat. We went to a pretty casual restaurant so what happened was a little weird. We were sitting there, and a mom was there with her three kids and they were kind of noisy but not misbehaving or anything. The man at the table next to her started yelling at her and was telling her to shut her kids up. Josh told him to knock it off and leave her alone. The waitress came over and told the woman that if she couldn’t keep her kids under control they would have to leave. Josh and I were shocked. This poor woman was just trying to eat and the kids weren’t that bad - and it wasn’t like we were in a 5 star restaurant. Josh told her that the man at the next table was way more loud and obnoxious than the kids, and if the restaurant made them leave, we would be leaving too. A few other customers chimed in that they would also leave. The obnoxious guy ended up getting up and going. I was so proud of Josh for standing up for that woman.

Our food arrived and we were eating and I looked across the table at him and realized how proud I was to be sitting with this amazing person, and it hit me pretty hard - he’s my one. He’s got my heart, he’s always had it.

He walked me inside when we got back to my apartment. “I’ve been thinking about our conversation from last night,” he said when we got inside, “and I think I know how to fix the problem of us not remembering our last kiss.” I was a bit puzzled so I said, “okay…” He took my hand and pulled me toward him. He looked in my eyes and then he kissed me. I know it didn’t last long, but it felt like time stood still for a minute because somehow I managed to take in everything about that moment - the warmth of his embrace, the smell of his skin, the softness of his lips… After he pulled away he pressed his forehead against mine and said, “Now we know when our last kiss was.”

It’s all I can think about today.

Last night was the Halloween Bonfire. It was a fun night. Josh and Alex pulled out the guitars and sang a few songs. They did “Ain’t Nothing ‘Bout You” - a song that Josh once dedicated to me. He also sang a song called “Come A Little Closer” by Dierks Bentley. I have to admit that sitting across the fire from him and listening to him sing that song kind of made me want to go jump into his arms.

After the singing was over, I went and sat down next to him. I told him I liked the songs and we sat there talking, and then we realized that we were the only ones left. I told him about the Grey’s Anatomy episode and he looked at me like “why is she talking about this?” and I explained how it made me realize that I can’t remember the last time we kissed. He was quiet for a minute and then he took my hand and said, “I can’t remember either. I do remember the first time we kissed though.” I laughed and asked him “which first time?” He laughed too and said, “all of them.”

Then he went on to say that our real first kiss is definitely high on his list of best kisses. I interrupted him and said, “You mean it’s not the best?”

He told me that the best kiss was after we had a big fight by the pool. “You know, when you pushed me in the pool,” he said. I shook my head, “I did not push you in the pool!” He laughed, “you so pushed me in the pool!” (I don’t remember pushing him in the pool, but I just went back and read my blog entry from that day and I did push him in...oops!)

We couldn’t agree about whether I pushed him in the pool, but I did agree that it’s my #1 kiss too. We kind of just sat looking at each other for a minute. I could tell he was thinking something but he didn’t say. I asked him how many other girls have made his list of top kisses. He said, “No other girls. You’re the only one on that list.” He got quiet again and looked like he was trying to figure out what to do next.

Mr. Anderson walked out and said he wanted to put the fire out. Josh wanted to stick around and help his parents clean up so I left and I still don’t know what he was going to say.

Josh and I just wrapped up our morning rehearsal. His parents are having a Halloween Bonfire tonight for our church so he had to go run some errands for them. I can't say I'm thrilled about missing rehearsal time but he is learning the dance pretty easily so I'll cut him some slack.

I've been re-watching Grey's Anatomy, and I just watched the episode where Meredith has her hand on a bomb inside of a patient and all she can think about is how she doesn't remember the last time she and Derek kissed. Now I am sitting here trying to remember the last time that Josh kissed me.

I can't remember it. It was so long ago, but I wish I could remember it. I wish I could remember what it felt like to just be normal, and comfortable and happy with him. I remember so much drama, but I know there were times when we were just a normal, happy couple. I wish I could remember them. I wish I could remember our last kiss.

Our Rhumba went really well. I think it was the best connection that Josh and I have had so far. It was weird. I felt like I just got lost in the dance and in being with him. It's like I forgot that we were performing. And the way he was looking at me...We were dancing to "The Look of Love" so I'm sure he was just acting, but it still made my heart do flip flops.

One of the judges gave me a hard time about the slow dancing at the beginning and the end. I stand by my choice though. I don't see how it's any different than doing some freestyle and I think it helped our connection.

I explained that I was inspired by memories of having this enormous crush on Josh and how when I would dance with him, I would just try to soak in every feeling and experience - the warmth of his body, the way he smelled, even his breath on my skin. I wanted to bring that feeling to our Rhumba because the song is romantic and the dance is romantic and I knew it would bring a more intimate feeling to the dance.

When we got backstage, Josh pulled me aside and said that he wished he had known all of that back in the day. He confessed that he used to smell my hair when we'd dance. We stood there smiling at each other and then he looked real serious and started to say something like, "I really wish..." but we got interrupted and I didn't get to find out what he was going to say. I hoped that he would bring it up again later in the night but he didn't, and he didn't say anything last night either.

This week we are dancing the Quickstep. We're dancing to a song from the 90's that I wasn't that familiar with but it seems like a cute song. It's called "Take Time." The singer sings, "there's no need to play along like we don't know what's going on." I had to laugh a little when I heard that. It probably would have been the perfect song for Josh and I to dance to back in 2007, but this time I really have no idea if we're playing along or if there is nothing there. I am so confused right now.

I feel like I need to figure this thing out once and for all because as I look back on the past five years, I realize that I've held on to him even though we haven't been together. I've tried dating other guys but I never really let myself get invested because Josh is always in the back of my mind. I just feel like I either need to really go for it with him, or I need to really, truly give him up, and I don't know which is right for me. We still have a long way to go in this competition so at least there is an opportunity to figure it out.

I only have a few minutes to write. I've been a bum all day. I've pretty much blown off work to loaf around the house. I'm fighting a cold so I have a bit of an excuse, but I always feel guilty since it is my business and I should be working. Josh will be here soon and we'll be putting the finishing touches on our dance, so at least I'll be somewhat productive today.

I am still thinking about my post from the other night. I am so torn up inside. I do love Josh. I will admit that. I've always loved him. I probably always will, but I've gotten pretty good over the past five years at pushing those feelings aside. I've done it because I can't deal with how much it hurts when I lose him.

I don't know. I'm just not sure I can go down that road again. Ugh, as I write that, a part of me says, "can you go down a road without him?" I just don't know what to do. I still see him with me when I imagine my life. I see him in wedding pictures, family pictures, new home pictures, vacation pictures...I see him there with me. What will happen if I let fear hold me back? Will I be alone looking at pictures of him with another woman? How long can a smart, funny, handsome and insanely talented guy remain single?

I keep thinking about the fact that Lindsay is married...married! It reminds me that we're at the age where people get married. Josh is 29, he's not going to be a bachelor forever. Will I spend the rest of my life regretting it if I don't go for it?

The past few weeks have gotten away from me. It's been super busy. The dance competition, of course, is taking a ton of time. We're still going strong though! Our first week was a little shaky, but the Waltz went much better. We were really able to connect and one of the judges was even a little teary eyed!

Our third week was the Cha Cha and then last week we danced the Fox Trot. This week we are dancing the Rhumba. We are dancing to "The Look of Love" by Gladys Knight. It's been kind of a weird week. So far Josh and I have been pretty good about keeping our partnership professional, but the Rhumba has been a challenge. It's hard to be so close to each other and dance such a romantic dance.

The other thing keeping me busy has been Lindsay's wedding. She and Henry are officially husband and wife as of yesterday. It was a gorgeous wedding and the weather was so perfect. She made a beautiful bride. I am so happy for her.

It was a big investment of time for me. When I wasn't rehearsing, I was helping her plan and get things ready. I had no idea how much work goes in to a wedding!

I never did get Josh to sing his song. The other guys did it without him, which was kind of a disappointment. Josh sings it so beautifully. Lindsay seemed okay with the other guys singing, but I was sad. I used to sneak into the back of Angelo's to listen to Josh close out their set with that song. He'd start singing and my heart would do flip-flops in my chest. Last night when the song began, I was standing with him. I said to him, "You should be singing. This is your song." He shook his head and said, "No, this is your song." (I'll come back to this.)

Josh and I spent most of the wedding together. He didn't go as my date, but he pretty much was. With the exception of one dance that I had with Henry, I spent the entire night on the dance floor with Josh. When we slow danced, it felt so nice to be in his arms and all of these memories of slow dances from the past came flooding back. I kept remembering moments when a slow dance with him was all I knew of romance, and how just four minutes in his arms was such a gift. It actually inspired me to change up the choreography for our Rhumba. We're starting the song with a slow dance, moving in to the Rhumba for most of the song, and then ending it with another slow dance. I want to show that just swaying to the music can be super romantic on it's own.

So back to the song...We had a post-wedding brunch this morning before Lindsay and Henry headed off to the honeymoon. I ran into Mona and Angelo and I was chatting with them, the wedding came up and I mentioned that Josh wouldn't sing the song. Angelo said, "yeah, he stopped singing that when you two broke up." I asked him if he knew why and he said that one of the guys told him that Josh sang that song for me.

I went back to our table and googled the lyrics. The song really is a promise to love one person forever. I guess I could see why Josh would stop singing it if he considered it my song, but I still find it hard to believe that he thought of it as my song.

After brunch I rehearsed the Rhumba with Josh. He liked my slow dance idea. I asked him about "This I Swear" and he admitted that he always thought of it as my song and that on the set list the guys would write "Nicole's Song" and they all knew which song it was. I had always secretly hoped he sang it for me. I didn't realize that he really did.

I feel like my head is spinning. I've tried to put aside any thoughts about me and Josh being together, and frankly, the idea of getting hurt again scared the you-know-what out of me. Still, I can't help thinking about it. The past few weeks of dancing together have been awesome, all of the texting last summer, and then the dancing last night and the intel on the song are making me think about him that way again. I just hope I'm not setting myself up for pain. Losing him was so painful. I loved him so much. I just don't know if I can put myself through that again.

But it's Josh...the biggest love of my life...how do I not grab a hold of even the tiniest chance at being with him?