Tomorrow I'll be in NEW YORK!!!!!!!!!!! I can't believe it. It's really happening. Me in New York! :)

Last night I hung out with Lindsay, Rob, Jennifer and Tom. Rob is a really nice guy and I like him a lot - as a friend. Like I said before, there's no heat, no spark, nothing romantic whatsoever. I told Lindsay I'd think about going to the prom with him but I don't want to make any decisions yet. Right now I'm too excited about New York to think about the prom.

My dream last night didn't help either. I drempt that Josh and I were hanging out. Nothing really happened. He would just stand really close to me and touch my arm or my back. Sort of like real life but better. I woke up feeling like I had just seen him.

I know he was just here a few days ago but so much was going on that I felt like I couldn't concentrate on him. I know it sounds weird. We spent time together but I was so busy worrying about Aunt Lu or the show that I didn't feel like I was really in the moment. I'm hoping with all my heart that he'll be around this weekend so that I can see him. I just want to be in the same place as him, breathing the same air, experiencing the same sounds and scenery.

Well, I have to get back to packing. There's an internet cafe at the hotel so I'll be (so I hope) logging on to keep my blog up-to-date. :)

Tomorrow I'll be in NEW YORK!!!!!!!!!!! I can't believe it. It's really happening. Me in New York! :)

Last night I hung out with Lindsay, Rob, Jennifer and Tom. Rob is a really nice guy and I like him a lot - as a friend. Like I said before, there's no heat, no spark, nothing romantic whatsoever. I told Lindsay I'd think about going to the prom with him but I don't want to make any decisions yet. Right now I'm too excited about New York to think about the prom.

My dream last night didn't help either. I drempt that Josh and I were hanging out. Nothing really happened. He would just stand really close to me and touch my arm or my back. Sort of like real life but better. I woke up feeling like I had just seen him.

I know he was just here a few days ago but so much was going on that I felt like I couldn't concentrate on him. I know it sounds weird. We spent time together but I was so busy worrying about Aunt Lu or the show that I didn't feel like I was really in the moment. I'm hoping with all my heart that he'll be around this weekend so that I can see him. I just want to be in the same place as him, breathing the same air, experiencing the same sounds and scenery.

Well, I have to get back to packing. There's an internet cafe at the hotel so I'll be (so I hope) logging on to keep my blog up-to-date. :)

This week is so hard. We are all ready to bounce off the walls. All my friends and I have been talking about is the choir trip. I can't wait. I am going to be in New York. I have dreamed about being in New York for my entire life and now it's going to happen.

We leave school Friday morning and we get to New York by lunch time. We're going to go to the Natural History Museum. Friday night we'll be hanging out at the hotel. We have dinner there and then a meeting and rehearsal.

On Saturday we sing for the judges. We got lucky because they scheduled us for early morning so we get to go take a city tour in the afternoon. Then we have a banquet dinner dance that night in which we find out how we placed in the competition.

Sunday morning we sing in the park and then can either go on mini group tours with the chaperones or hang out in the park. Lauren said she told Josh he has to spend Sunday with us. I hope he does.

On Monday we go to the Statue of Liberty and then it's back to Pennsylvania.

The trip is all I've been able to think of all day. I wasn't that excited about it before. I was afraid being there would make me sad because it's where Josh is, but now I can't wait. I have dreamed about New York for my entire life. Now I am finally going!

But back to the present...this afternoon we took Aunt Lu to the orthopedic specialist and he said she'd be starting physical therapy soon. He said that the break is clean and should heal okay, but she will need the therapy to help her get back on her feet.

Tonight is dinner with Lindsay, Rob and whoever else she invited. He's a nice guy, but like I said before, there is no chemistry. I just don't know if I want to settle for that.

My friends are really getting on my nerves about the whole prom thing. Molly and Alex, of course, want me to ask Josh. Then there are Lindsay and Jennifer who have decided to find me a date. They just don't get it. I've been asked, I just don't want to go with any old guy.

I was sitting in study hall this afternoon and Lindsay brings this guy, Rob, over to meet me. If I wrote him down on paper he'd sound perfect: good looking, smart, and athletic. He's a junior but is going to take college classes at the University of Pennsylvania this summer. My father would love him. But there was no chemistry. No sparks. He's a nice guy but he doesn't do anything for me.

Lindsay said I should give him a chance. I agreed to go out for pizza with them tomorrow night, but I really don't think that will accomplish anything, but I won't rule anything out. If I see him tomorrow night and we click then maybe I'll consider him for a prom date, but it's a BIG maybe.

Lindsay says Josh is my Achilles' heal and that I have to forget about him now. I know in my head that she's right. My brain tells me I'm a fool to be pining after all of these months, but my heart won't let go. He captured a part of me and I can't shake him. I know Lindsay's intentions are good, but if she thinks this Rob guy is going to suddenly change my feelings for Josh, she's wrong.

Anyway, there are other things going on in my life besides the stupid prom. I have to do a debate for my sociology elective. I have to find someone in the class to debate and then we have to agree on a topic. I've never really debated before and it seems scary, but I've been dancing and singing in front of an audience for years so at least I don't have to worry about the stage fright aspect of it.

I'm also helping with the children's dance recital that the dance studio is doing. I'll be helping out backstage. It's the weekend before the prom so it's coming up soon.

And of course there's New York. Only three days away now. I can't wait. I can't wait to stand in the middle of that big city and feel it's energy. I've always thought there was something so magical about New York. I can't wait to experience it for real instead of through TV and movies. 3 days!!!!

Four days and I'll be in NEW YORK! Yippie! I am so excited! I am finally getting to the Big Apple.

The past weekend was good. Aunt Lu came home on Friday. She's still in a lot of pain and is in a wheel chair. She's going to be doing a lot of physical therapy before she'll be back on her feet. My mom is going to stay up here to help her out. It's nice having my mom around.

Friday night we went to the arcade place. It was fun. We ate lots of junk food and played games. Josh and I paired off which we nice for me. We got to hang out and have fun and it felt like old times. Nothing particularly notable happened though.

I had to work Saturday morning at the dance studio. My mom came with me and took a yoga class. I also had to work Saturday night at the dance party that they have.

Molly wanted to learn to Swing dance - which is what we taught Saturday night - so she brought Alex and Josh with her. It was nice because, despite the fact that I was working, they like us to go out and dance so I got to dance with Josh. One of the guys I work with played a slow song just so that I could slow dance with Josh. It was so nice being that close to him again.

Molly and Alex left after the party was over but Josh hung around to walk me home after I helped clean up. The walk home was really nice. It gave us a chance to talk. We talked about Nancy and how she lied to him about me. He asked her about it the other night and she told him that she thought that Tom and I were dating because we were always together. Josh said she was sorry and said it was an innocent mistake. Yeah Right!

I told him that I don't trust her and that I think she had ulterior motives. It got us into a discussion about how he stopped calling or emailing me because he said he didn't want to "get in the way" or "cause problems" between me and Tom. If he considers himself just a friend...why would he think his presence in my life would cause problems? I wondered that but didn't ask him. I just told him that I have missed him, and I wish that we had done a better job at staying in contact. He said he felt the same way!

The rest of the weekend was spent doing holiday things. We went to Uncle Bill and Aunt Linda's house for Easter dinner yesterday.

Today everyone in choir is in choir trip mode. We're all going to be so distracted this week. I asked Josh if he'd come to our hotel to see us while we're in New York and he promised he would. His parents are chaperones so I know he'll be around to see them and Lauren.

Speaking of Lauren, she and I had an interesting conversation on the way to school this morning. She and Molly were ganging up on me about the prom. Molly said, "I think Nicole should ask Josh." Lauren immediately agreed, and I told her that I don't ask guys out. Then she said, "You should ask him. He'll say yes." I didn't say anything else because I don't want her to know how much I like her brother, but something about the way she said it and the look on her face made me think she knows something. I just don't think I can do it. I'd be devastated if he said no. My heart would be broken into a million pieces.

Molly thinks that I should just suck it up and do it. She told me to look at it this way: either he says yes and I have my dream date, or he says no and I feel sad and rejected but I'll finally be able to move on with my life. I know she's right...I just don't know if I'm ready to face that there might be no chance for us. I know I keep saying I'll get over him, but I'm obviously not ready too because I can't let him.

It's just about 11:30 and I just woke up. I guess I needed that sleep, and I slept great.

The show was awesome last night. I can't remember the last time I had so much fun. Everyone was on and our energy was up. It must have really showed because afterwards we had a little reception with punch and cookies, and the audience was raving about the show. It was awesome. I felt like a movie star. :)

The principal asked if we would do the show as an assembly so that the whole school can see it! Yea!!!!!!

After the reception we had to clean up backstage and then we headed out for a late night snack in town. Josh came along with us, but by the time Molly and I got there all the seats close to him were gone. I ended up sitting at the other end of the table, but every time I looked at him we'd make eye contact. Oh those eyes! Those beautiful blue eyes...

He drove me and Lauren home since my mom is using my car. When we got home he walked over to my car with me so that he could get a look at it. He told me that I had to give him a ride. I also showed him my driver's license and he said he was very proud. He said we should celebrate since I was his first driving student.

He also told me that he was so impressed by the show and he had been in awe the whole time he was watching it. He gave me a hug and then we said good night.

When I got inside my mom was waiting up for me. She said the show was great and that she had been watching Josh during it and said he was staring at me the whole time. She said he was the first person to stand up for my standing ovation!

Today is going to be busy. Mom and I are going out to lunch with Lindsay and Aunt Linda. At 3:00 we're picking up Aunt Lu to bring her home. Tonight the whole gang is going out: Lindsay, Tom, Molly, Alex, Jennifer, Terry, Kelly, Jason, Rhonda, Lauren, JOSH and I. We're going out for dinner and then to some arcade type place. It should be fun.

That's all for now!

I had to drag myself out of bed this morning, but the day got better as it went along...

Last night I had dinner with the Andersons. They did their best to keep me upbeat. I know Aunt Lu is going to be okay but yesterday was an emotional rollercoaster.

After dinner, I went over the beginning of the show for Josh so he'd know when he was playing piano. He played both "Maple Leaf Rag" and "The Entertainer" for me last night so I could hear them. As expected, he played them flawlessly.

Lauren and I made him watch "American Idol" with us. He was a good sport about it, particularly since the show was just a recap of the night before. I missed it on Tuesday night because of dress rehearsal so I was glad to get a chance to vote, but the show wasn't as entertaining as it usually is. I can't help but think someone is going to get screwed. I don't think there are as many people who watch on Wednesday nights.

Anyway, after the show was over we watched "Newlyweds." (Poor Josh. He looked like he wanted to shoot himself.) Then Lauren went to bed and Josh walked me home.

He came inside and we sat up talking until midnight. We talked about New York, my show and Aunt Lu. Before he left he gave me a long hug and kissed my forehead.

I went upstairs and dozed until about 2:00. It was hard to sleep. I kept thinking about Aunt Lu and how worried I'd been, and how Josh had skipped his classes and rushed home because he thought I needed him. It was at 2:00 that I heard my mom's cab pull up outside. I went downstairs to greet her. We stayed up for another 45 minutes talking about Aunt Lu.

This morning we stopped at the hospital around 8:00 to see Aunt Lu who seems to be doing okay, despite the pain in her hip. She's going to need help for a few weeks. I was relieved when my mom said she'd stay up here to help out!

We left by 9:00 and my mom dropped me off at school and then took my car back to the hospital. Getting through school was rough since I was so tired but the school has a rule: you can't participate in after school activities if you are absent and I have to be at the show tonight.

My English teacher sent me to the nurse's office before lunch to take a nap! I thought that was really nice of her. When lunch came the nurse sent me to get some food.

I sat down with Tom, Alex and Molly. They were all relieved to hear that Aunt Lu will be okay. Then Josh showed up! He got the choir teacher to sign off on a guest pass for him. He brought me Red Bull because he knew how tired I probably was! I thought it was the sweetest thing. He sat down with us while we ate our lunch. A few people came over to say hi to him, but Ms. Nancy is in a different lunch period so I didn't have to deal with her. It was so nice to have him there.

When lunch was over he said he had to head over to the choir room. In exchange for the guest pass he promised to play piano for rehearsal. I had to go to European Studies. After that I had choir but Josh had left by the time I got there.

Funny, after seeing him and anticipating seeing him again I was wide awake. Then the adreneline from knowing that I'd be on stage tonight started going. I decided to save the Red Bull for the evening so that I'd have extra energy for the show.

So now I'm just waiting for my mom to pick me up and then I'm going back to the hospital to see Aunt Lu. Then it's back here for the show tonight. Now that I know Aunt Lu will be okay, I can actually enjoy it. I just wish she could be here to see it.

Molly pointed out to me that I can no longer argue that Josh doesn't care about me. When he moved to New York I felt like I meant nothing to him, but after the past two days I know he cares. But that's not enough for me. I don't just want him to care. I want him to want me. I want his heart to long for me the way mine longs for him. So I told Molly that I haven't changed my mind. I am not telling him how I feel.

Today was the day from hell. It started off with a phone call from my father which should have signaled to me right then and there that it was going to be bad. He wanted to discuss my math grade with me. Well, Aunt Lu got on the phone with him and wanted to speak to my mother. I guess my dad started questioning her and she told him it was about Terri Schiavo. Since my parents live in Florida, Aunt Lu wanted my mom to call Jeb Bush’s office to let him know that Terri’s life should be saved. Well, my dad thinks that Terri should be allowed to die. I thought Aunt Lu was going to jump through the phone and strangle him. He really got her fired up.

After they got off the phone I went outside to meet Molly and Lauren. I was going to drive them to school. Aunt Lu walked out with me. She was going to head over to our local US Representative’s office to let him know that she wants to save Terri’s life. Who would’ve thought my Aunt Lu was such an activist?

Well, it was raining today and Aunt Lu slipped on the driveway and hit her head, knocking her unconscious. I was freaking out so Lauren ran to get her mother. Mrs. Anderson called 911 and they had to rush Aunt Lu to the hospital in an ambulance. Molly headed off to school and Mrs. Anderson took Lauren and I to the hospital.

When we got there Uncle Bill, Aunt Linda, Lindsay and Brett met us there. I was freaking out big time. Aunt Lu is all I have. She’s the only person in my life who has been constant. She’s my rock and I need her. The thought of something happening to her was killing me, although I was trying to hold it together.

The doctor told us that she broke her hip and that she was still unconscious. The morning was hell. I called my mom and she tried to change her flight from tomorrow to today but she wasn’t making much progress.

Uncle Bill and Aunt Linda were trying to figure out what care Aunt Lu would need, so Lauren and Mrs. Anderson were trying to comfort me. Around 9:30 they left because Mrs. Anderson didn’t want Lauren to miss school.

Lindsay and I sat with Brett most of the morning praying that Aunt Lu would wake up. Aunt Linda made us get lunch in the cafeteria and when I got back I was at my breaking point because Aunt Lu hadn’t regained consciousness.

I walked around a corner and sat down on the floor and started to cry. I’ve never been so scared in my life. If it weren’t for Aunt Lu I would be in Florida with my drunk, emotionally abusive father. If it weren’t for her I wouldn’t know stability and a happy home. The thought of loosing her scared me to death.

I was sitting there crying when Lindsay walked around the corner. She told me that Aunt Lu was conscious and that she seemed aware of who she was and where she was. I was so relieved! But Lindsay told me that we couldn’t see her until the doctors were finished examining her.

I went into the bathroom to wash my face. When I walked out Josh was standing there. At first I thought I was dreaming it. I asked him what he was doing there and he said, “My sister called and said you might need a friend.” I nodded and burst into tears again. He pulled him into his arms and I cried until Uncle Bill came and told me I could see Aunt Lu.

I went in to see her and told her she better not ever scare me like that again. You know what she said? She said, “Call Jeb Bush and tell him you want him to save Terri Schiavo.” I couldn’t believe her! Here we are going crazy worrying about her and she’s still thinking of others. I knew then that she’d be okay.

The doctors said they wanted to keep her at the hospital because of her hip injury and they want to keep and eye on her head. They told us we should go home so that she can rest.

Mrs. Anderson and Josh took Lindsay and I to school right as school was being let out. We needed to talk to our teachers to find out what we missed during the day. I was kind of annoyed because Nancy cornered Josh when he walked into school with us. I was going through hell and that little b!tch just had to talk to Josh. Grrr…

After we were finished at school we dropped Lindsay off and then they dropped me off at my house so I could get some things. When I got home my mom called and said she was taking a 10 p.m. flight into Philadelphia. She said she’d take a cab to the house and stay there. So I didn’t want to stay with Uncle Bill and Aunt Linda since my mom was coming home and I wanted to be there when she arrived.

Mrs. Anderson told me to spend the evening at her house and then head home around bed time so that I could be home when my mom got there.

I’m relieved about Aunt Lu but I know a broken hip is going to be a big obstacle for her. It’s going to be awhile before she’s back on her feet and I’m scared that she’ll want me to go back to Florida now that it will be harder for her to take care of me. I’m hoping that my mom will stay up here and help Aunt Lu until she’s better.

I was wishing so hard to see Josh. I guess it’s true that you should watch what you wish for. I certainly didn’t want to see him at Aunt Lu’s expense. But it felt so good to see his face at the hospital. No one else could have made me feel better the way he did. He let me stand there and cry and get it out without saying anything or imposing his point of view on me. Lauren told me that when bad things happen there are only a few people in our lives that can make us feel better. She thought Josh was one of those people for me. That’s why she called him. I just can’t believe he dropped everything and came home.

Well, I have some things to do before going to the Anderson’s house. I have to call Florida for Aunt Lu and tell Jeb Bush to save Terri Schiavo. I hope Aunt Lu doesn’t think I’ll actually get him on the phone. I’m sure she knows I’ll just be talking to a secretary, right? Maybe I should tell her I did talk to him…

Back in January I wrote about how this Greg guy (I was mistaken, his name is actually Craig) wrote "Lauren Loves Brett" on her notebook. Well, Brett is a cute senior that all the girls like. He broke up with his girlfriend and needed a date to the prom. He remembered Lauren from that incident and asked her to go with him! As you can imagine Lauren is going crazy. She's only a freshman so getting a date with Brett is a big deal.

Now I'm the only one who doesn't have a date for the prom. Molly keeps pressuring me to ask Josh but it's not going to happen. I'm trying to get over him (failing miserably, I know, I know...) and I think that asking him to the prom would be counterproductive.

I just don't understand why it's taking me so long to move on. I thought that time would help me get over him. I never thought I'd be so slow at letting him go. I just didn't think I'd ever want someone's love so much. It's so hard to let go and move on.

It's even harder right now because I know that in two days he'll walk back into my life for the weekend. I'll see that smile of his...and those eyes...and it will take all the strength I have not to throw myself at him. And I can't help but count down the seconds until he gets here and wish that he would come sooner and then never go away again.

How am I going to get him out of my system? There's got to be a way to get over him. Why can't I do it?

Okay, enough! Enough is enough! I can't sit here writing about my unrequited crush all day. I have to get to dress rehearsal for our show.

I got into Philadelphia yesterday around 10:30 in the morning. It was raining when I got here, but even that couldn't make me want to go back to Florida. I wanted to get home before Josh left, but by the time I got my luggage and met Uncle Bill I knew we'd never get home before he left.

I did talk to him again Saturday night. He called and asked how things were going in Florida. I told him that it was fun to see my friends. I had wanted to stay at the beach longer but the red tide was bothering Natalie so we ended up hanging out by her pool.

He said that he was bummed that I wasn't home, but I reminded him that I'd see him Thursday night when he played piano at my show. After that he had to go because he was meeting Molly, Alex and Kelly at Perkins.

So now I'm back and the day has been pretty uneventful. I just finished choir practice and I'm hanging around until concert choir practice tonight. I think Molly, Alex, Jennifer, Rhonda (one of our choir friends) and I are going to grab a bite to eat in a little while.

I just can't wait until Thursday. I can't wait to see Josh! I've been counting down the minutes until I see those amazing blue eyes again...

Molly was really putting the pressure on me today to tell him how I feel. But I still don't feel that's an option. He lives in New York. He's in college. He's the most amazing person on the planet. He's not going to suddenly fall in love with me, and I'm not going to humiliate myself. And Molly was the person who promoted "The Rules." And the rules state that the guy is the one who has to make the first move, and if he doesn't, it's because he's simply not interested.

Of course "The Rules" would also probably say that I should give up and forget about him, and stop wasting my time. We all know I've been a miserable failure at giving him up. Whenever I try, he pops back into my life again. Last week I was asking for Cupid to drop Mr. Right on my doorstep, instead Josh shows up on my doorstep. I just can't get him out of my head. I think Cupid is going to have to send a really amazing guy to knock Josh out of my system...

AAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Okay, I'm feeling dramatic today but when I tell you why, you'll understand. I woke up this morning and spent a leisurely morning with Natalie in Venice. We then went to Siesta Key to meet Arie and another friend, Lisa at the beach. It was so nice to be at the beach and out in the sun, and I thought it was going to be a perfect day...until the ride home from the beach.

As we're driving back to Natalie's house, Aunt Lu calls and tells me that Josh stopped by yesterday afternoon to see me! He hasn't been home once since I left, but the one weekend I go away is the weekend that he shows up! GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.....................

Oh, you have no idea how frustrated I am. It's just not fair!

After I got off the phone with Aunt Lu, Natalie and I went to sit by the pool at her house. My phone rings again. This time it's Josh!!! He was like, "I finally come home and you're off sitting on the beach in Florida." He was teasing me, and it was cute, and I appreciate that he called to let me know he had stopped by. I'm just so frustrated that I didn't get to see him. I'm going to be home by noon tomorrow but he said he has to get back to the city and is leaving Pennsylvania right after church. It's so not fair. :(

Anyway, I'm going out to St. Armen's Circle with my mom in a little while. We're going to shop and then go to dinner out at Long Boat Key. I'm just going to try to enjoy the rest of my time here in Florida and forget that Josh is in Pennsylvania.

I forgot how much I miss Florida. The sun was shining today. It wasn't hot, but it was a lot warmer than Pennsylvania. I miss the warm weather so much. I can't wait for Pennsylvania to get warm!

I just got home from hanging out with Natalie. I met up with her at school and saw a lot of my old friends. It was nice seeing everyone again. It was kind of weird being back there after all of this time.

I'm getting ready to go help my mom with the recital. She's at the auditorium now, but she's going to be by to pick me up in fifteen minutes. I can't wait to see the dancing. I miss spending time with my mom.

Well, that's all for now.

I think Spring is coming. It's in the air even though it's still cold, I can tell by the sun and the birds. Thank goodness. I'm not sure I'll get get used to winter. I'm so looking forward to being in Florida for a few days. I'm going to go to my old school on Friday afternoon. On Saturday I'm going to hang out with Natalie and my friend Arie. He was away at Thanksgiving so I'm looking forward to seeing him. He kind of reminds me of Alex.

One of our choir songs for the spring concert is "Something's Coming" from West Side Story. I used to hate it but it's growing on me. I think my outlook is changing. I'm finally starting to get out of my rut. I still hate winter, and I still miss Josh, but I feel like something good is coming.

Molly says if I'm not going to tell Josh how I feel, I have to start to accept that Josh isn't going to be the great love of my life. I guess that's the first step in letting him go. But if it isn't Josh, who is it? I just wish the great love of my life would find me. I want him to come along and sweep me off my feet. I'm ready to have my world turned upside down. Where is he?

Terry came to rehearsals yesterday to see Jennifer and there were sparks flying all over the place. They seem so crazy about each other. I want that. I want sparks and electricity. I just want my guy to come along so that I can have that. It was be an extra bonus if he'd come along before the prom.

Here's my open letter to Cupid:

Dear Cupid,

If you can hear me and you're inclined to answer my plea, this is what I want: I want someone who will turn my world upside down to show up. I don't care about height or whether he has brown eyes or blue, he just has to be smart, funny, and cute. Really, you can just use Josh as your model for what I
want. And if you could leave him on my doorstep so that I don't accidently miss him that would be even better.

I know this is a tough order to fill, but the sooner the better, because patience has never been my strong suit.

Thanks, Cupid.

LOVE,
Nicole Bradford

P.S. - Now get out there and start shooting some arrows for me.

The weather is misleading for anyone sitting inside. It's so sunny out - it looks beautiful - but it's so cold! I can't wait to get on that plane to Florida. It's only for a few days but I can't wait to be where it's warm. I miss the hot sun so much!

Molly and I are deciding what to do with Nancy. Do we confront her about her lie? Or do we let Josh confront her next time she calls him? Molly is certain he'll say something to her and thinks it's better if we pretend we don't know anything about it. That way she'll be blind-sided when he asks her about it. The only problem with that is that I don't get the pleasure of seeing her squirm. Of course, she will be humiliated in front of Josh so that is a plus.

Lindsay and Tom are going to the prom together. That means I'm the only one left without a date. That's by design of course. I did get two invitations but both were from guys I don't really know, and frankly, if I can't go with Josh, I don't want to go at all. I'm not going to spend another prom night wishing I were with him. I did that last year and I don't want to do it again. I just don't have the energy to spend lots of money on a dress and ticket so that I can have a miserable time. I can have a miserable time at home. Why bother gussying up and spending money when I can do it for free?

I guess I'm not doing very good at getting over Josh. I've been saying I'd get over him for months but I can't. I just can't get him out of my system. There's just something magical that happens whenever we're together. It keeps me hanging on to the hope that we'll be together. When we talked on Sunday there was something in his voice that made me want to hold on a little longer.

Molly thinks that I should get on with my life for now and then see what happens with Josh once summer comes along and he's home. It's good advice and I think I'll try to do that, but she's only giving me that advice because she wants me to go to the prom. Even if I do get on with my life, I'm not going to the prom. I just know it will be too hard and I don't want to put myself through it.

Last night I was sitting in my room trying to give myself a pep talk about calling Josh. I was about to pick up the phone to call him when it rang. Sure enough, it was him on the other end.

We actually had a really great conversation. I got over being so nervous about talking to him and he didn't sound as strained as he did on Saturday night. We talked about his classes and his piano gig, and I told him about everything going on here in PA. Before I knew it an hour had gone by.

As we were wrapping up the conversation he told me that he had really wanted to talk to me longer on Saturday night. Then the words, "I miss you," just slipped right out of my mouth. I thought I was going to die but he said, "I miss you too. I miss everyone but I really miss you."

I just sat there for a moment trying to figure out if he had really said that. And then I wanted to cry because I want him to come home so badly. He was like, "Are you still there?" He asked me if I was okay since I got so quiet. I told him I was distracted because I thought Aunt Lu was calling me.

Call waiting disrupted us then so we ended the conversation. My mom was on the other line. She was stressed because her kids are having their dance recital on Friday night and the teacher who is her right-hand "man" broke her hip! So I'm going to fly down to Florida on Thursday for the weekend to help her out.

So this morning Jennifer, Molly and I got together for breakfast before school. Seems that Nancy has been trying to make me completely unavailable to Josh. Jennifer confirmed that Josh thought I was dating Tom - thanks to Nancy.

It actually seems like Jen tried to help me out with Josh...which kind of surprises me, but I guess she's moved on. She's totally crazy about Terry so maybe she wants me to be with Josh now. Who knows...I'm just glad that she set the record straight. I think she's the reason he called last night.

Maybe I'll get a better read on the situation with Josh when he comes home next weekend for the show.

Hmm...just had an interesting conversation with Jen on IM. I c&ped it (but changed our IM names):

Jen: Just got back from NY...interesting weekend...thought you'd like to know about it.
Me: How was it?
Jen: I spent a lot of time with Josh.
Me: I really don't want to talk about him.
Jen: Why not?
Me: I'm trying to get him out of my system.
Jen: Why don't you just tell him how you feel?
Me: Everytime I'm with him I just can't find the words, and then he's gone and I still haven't told him. I just think I'm not supposed to tell him. It's so stupid anyway. How could I feel so much for someone who feels nothing?
Jen: For someone who feels nothing he sure talks about you a lot.
Me: What?
Jen: All weekend...on and on.
Jen: He was trying not to be too obvious about it but he wasn't doing a good job.
Me: What did he say?
Jen: After he called you this morning he kept sitting around wondering where you were and why you hadn't called him back.
Jen: Have you called him back yet?
Me: No
Jen: Oh please - you're torturing the poor boy. Will you call him back?
Me: I don't know what to say to him!
Jen: Say "I miss you."
Jen: Go call him!
Me: Thanks. You helped me a lot.
Jen: Call him, okay?
Me: Okay

So now what? Do I call him?

I just got home from Alex's house. We were rehearsing for the show in his basement. He has a huge house so there was plenty of room for dancing.

As I was getting out of the car at his house my cell phone rang. I was in a hurry so I didn't pick it up. But when I got inside I checked to see who called. Josh Anderson. He left me a message asking me to call him back.

I was so distracted at rehearsals it was ridiculous. I kept wondering why he called, what he wanted, etc. Even reciting the alphabet backwards didn't work.

Now that I'm home I can't stop thinking about him, but I don't want to call him back. I know it's weird but I just feel strange calling him. Grr... I'm going to go workout. That should get help me clear my head. I need to decide what I want. Do I want to be hanging on to him? Or do I want to get on with my life?

I went with Molly to Kelly's birthday party in Princeton last night. There were a bunch of people there that I remember as seniors last year in high school. All of Kelly's friends were there...except Josh. :(

We were playing Tabo when the phone rang. Kelly picked it up and I heard her exclaim, "Josh! How are you?"

My heart started pounding instantaneously, and I wondered if he had taken the train down to see her. In my heart I knew that wasn't the case since he was showing Jennifer around New York, but for a moment I hoped.

So I was trying not to be too obvious, but I was totally listening in on Kelly's end of the conversation. She was saying the usual, "How's New York?" "We're doing well." "When are you coming to visit" - type stuff. The she says, "I"m going to pass the phone around so everyone can say hi to you."

At this point my heart was pounding wildly and I wondered if I'd pass out. I hadn't talked to him in weeks and all of a sudden the phone was moving around the room from one person to another. I'm thinking I'm going to be on the phone with him at any second! What will I say? Molly whispered, "Breath, Nic, breath" to me, and then I had the phone.

I tried to be real casual. I was like, "Hey, Josh. It's Nicole." But he actually didn't sound casual at all. He sounded kind of...I don't know...weird. We exchanged "How are yous?" and he told me that he's been busy with classes, piano lessons and he's playing piano at a restaurant on Wednesday nights. I wanted to tell him so much but we only had a few seconds to talk and Jason was waiting for me to hand him the phone. He told me to "take care," and I said good-bye and practically choked on the words. I hope he didn't notice that.

I just sat there as others talked to him. Then I escaped to the bathroom to try to compose myself. I felt like I was going to break down in tears. I thought talking to him would make me happy but I felt worse. Talking to him made me miss him even more.

Molly dragged me out of the bathroom and we left the party. I guess she could tell I wasn't in the mood to be social. We stopped at a diner in New Hope on our way home.

Molly started in on the "you have to snap out of this!" lecture. Then she started the "why don't you just tell him how you feel?" lecture. I told her that there is no way I'm going to tell him how I feel.

Then she told me that when she got on the phone with him he asked if Tom and I were serious. Molly told him she didn't know what he was talking about. And he told her that Nancy had called him a few weeks ago and told him that Tom and I were dating! Molly told him that Nancy had lied to him, and that there has never been anything more than friendship between Tom and me.

I was livid when I heard this! It just proves what a nasty person Nancy is. She was trying to keep Josh from me by telling him I was with someone else!

Molly said I was right to be mad and that we'd take care of Nancy, but she pointed out that Josh seemed kind of upset that I was seeing Tom. And then she used that as a reason for me to tell Josh how I feel, which still isn't going to happen. Why doesn't he tell me how he feels? Why should I put my heart on the line?

I wish I had more time to ponder this but I have to meet the people in the "Rock Around The Clock" dance number for our show. I think I made the choreography too hard because they're having a hard time with it. Time to think about reality and not what I wish were reality (Josh being madly in love with me!).

We just finished up rehearsals. It was a hectic day and I'm exhausted but I have plans to go out with Tom and Lindsay tonight. It's date night for Molly and Alex and Jen's on her way to New York (don't get me started on that!). We're going to Applebee's for dinner. Not sure what's on tap after that. I'm just glad it's Friday. I need a few days to relax. This week has been busy and tiring and I'm sick of thinking about Josh. But I'm on my way towards forgetting him. Every time he pops into my head I recite the alphabet backwards. It takes concentration and it keeps me from daydreaming about him. I'm not sure what I'll do once that gets to be too easy! But for now...Z-Y-X-W-V-U-T-S-R-Q-P-O-N-M-L-K-J-I-H-G-F-E-D-C-B-A...

Still thinking about Josh. Jen's heading up to NY tomorrow after school. I'm so jealous. I know she's totally into Terry now, but I still can't help but hate her a little right now. Molly is totally playing on it too. She wants to cut one of Jen's songs from our show. I don't want to do it because it's Jen's big number. She's been rehearsing it and I'd feel bad about cutting it. Even if she is going to spend the weekend with the love of my life.

I just don't know how to let him go. Molly says I should either tell him or forget him. I can't do either. I think part of me likes being sad because it keeps me holding on to him. I know it's stupid but he's "man" in my life that I've ever been able to really count on and now he's gone. It's just so unfair. I want him home. I miss talking to him, hanging out with him, kissing him. God, do I miss kissing him!

I think that kiss on Christmas Eve really did me in. If I didn't know how amazing it could be, I wouldn't be so hung up on him. I guess what they say is true, "a taste of honey is worse than none at all."

I will get over him eventually right? Maybe I should start today. From now on I'm getting over him. By next week he'll be a thing of the past and I'll be moving on to someone new!

I don't know why my mood is so bad this week. I miss Josh more than ever and I just can't get over the fact that he's not here. It's been weeks since he left. You'd think that by now I would have accepted the fact that he's moved on with his life. I just can't get over it. I keep waiting for the "you'll get over it" part to begin, but it never does. I just want him to come home, pull me into his arms and unbreak my heart.

This week is his spring break and I'm disappointed that he's not home. He was in Connecticut this weekend with him family, and now he's in Baltimore for the week and then back to NY on Friday. I got all of this from Lauren. I was very sly about getting it out of her! Maybe I should invest less time in getting his little sister to run down his schedule for me. Maybe I should concentrate on other things.

There's a lot going on this month: our show is the Thursday before Easter. Josh will be home for it. He's playing the ragtime piano at the beginning of the show for us.

The following weekend is our choir trip to New York. You'd think I'd be bouncing off the walls at the prospect of spending the weekend in NY, but all it does is remind me that he's there and I'm here. :(

You see why I can't concentrate on other things? It's so hard not to think of him. And then there's the prom the last weekend in April. All I wanted last year was to be Josh's date and that's all I want this year. I've already told Molly that I'm not going to the prom. If I can't go with Josh, I'm not going. I really don't want to put myself through the torture of trying to look happy with some random guy. I'd rather mope around the house with Aunt Lu. Or better yet, maybe I can convince my parents to fly me down to Florida that weekend. Anything to distract myself.

Well, lunch is over so I should run. It's going to be a busy day. We have rehearsals for the musical this afternoon and then tonight for our show. It's never ending!

Yesterday was perfect. It was warm. It was sunny. But today? Rainy, then cold, then snowy! I just can't take this. I miss Florida and the thing that I love most (besides Aunt Lu) is in New York. I have to wonder why I don't call my mom and beg her to let me go back. I guess it's because of Aunt Lu, Molly, Alex...and the fact that I can't live under the same roof as my father.

Today was a rough day. I was missing Josh like crazy and I ended up crying at lunch. It's just not fair. Why did the guy I want have to leave? Out of everyone, the one person that I need most is the on that's gone. I'm tired of Molly telling me to get on with my life, that I'll be okay or I'll find someone new, because I don't want someone new. I want Josh.

Then Molly tells me to call him. I'm not going to call him. What am I going to say? "Oh, boo hoo, woah is me. Josh, you're gone and my heart is broken?" NO WAY?

Now Molly's dragging me to Princeton Saturday night to celebrate Kelly's birthday. I like Kelly. I do, but I don't want to spend Saturday night with Josh's friends. All the while Jennifer will be in New York with Josh. It's so not fair! :(

I found out from Lauren that she and her family are all going to Connecticut this weekend. It's her grandmother's birthday. Oops...I guess I was upset about nothing. Frankly, I have no right to be upset anyway. Josh is not mine. He's in New York and we're never going to be together. :(

Sorry, I'm still in a bad mood. It's just not fair. Out of all of the guys, why did the one that I want have to go away? Why can't I fall for someone available? Why can't I just be happy?

The show is coming along well. I've been having fun discovering different musics that I never listened to before. It's also been such a cool way to learn American history. I think our show is going to turn out fantastic. People will hear great music, see great dancing, and learn or relive American culture. I can't wait.

I'm so aggravated. It's like everyone else gets what they want except me. I don't want a stupid car. I don't want fancy clothes or expensive gifts. I just want Josh. :(

First thing this morning Jennifer tells me that she's going to visit Josh next weekend in New York. She has an audition for their acting program. I know she's totally in love with Terry now, but it still makes me uneasy. It's not fair. I want to see him!!!! :(

The other annoyance is that Nancy walks up to me at lunch and mentions that she was talking to Josh on the phone last night. She said she was trying to convince him to come down for the weekend to hang out with her but he had plans to go to Connecticut. I guess it's better that he's going to Connecticut instead of hanging out with her but why was he talking to her on the phone? And what's in Connecticut anyway?

I hate this! Why can't I just get over this guy? It's like he's left an indelible mark on my heart and now I can't shake him. I wish I could just move on and be happy. I just don't know how to let him go.