I went with Molly to Kelly's birthday party in Princeton last night. There were a bunch of people there that I remember as seniors last year in high school. All of Kelly's friends were there...except Josh. :(

We were playing Tabo when the phone rang. Kelly picked it up and I heard her exclaim, "Josh! How are you?"

My heart started pounding instantaneously, and I wondered if he had taken the train down to see her. In my heart I knew that wasn't the case since he was showing Jennifer around New York, but for a moment I hoped.

So I was trying not to be too obvious, but I was totally listening in on Kelly's end of the conversation. She was saying the usual, "How's New York?" "We're doing well." "When are you coming to visit" - type stuff. The she says, "I"m going to pass the phone around so everyone can say hi to you."

At this point my heart was pounding wildly and I wondered if I'd pass out. I hadn't talked to him in weeks and all of a sudden the phone was moving around the room from one person to another. I'm thinking I'm going to be on the phone with him at any second! What will I say? Molly whispered, "Breath, Nic, breath" to me, and then I had the phone.

I tried to be real casual. I was like, "Hey, Josh. It's Nicole." But he actually didn't sound casual at all. He sounded kind of...I don't know...weird. We exchanged "How are yous?" and he told me that he's been busy with classes, piano lessons and he's playing piano at a restaurant on Wednesday nights. I wanted to tell him so much but we only had a few seconds to talk and Jason was waiting for me to hand him the phone. He told me to "take care," and I said good-bye and practically choked on the words. I hope he didn't notice that.

I just sat there as others talked to him. Then I escaped to the bathroom to try to compose myself. I felt like I was going to break down in tears. I thought talking to him would make me happy but I felt worse. Talking to him made me miss him even more.

Molly dragged me out of the bathroom and we left the party. I guess she could tell I wasn't in the mood to be social. We stopped at a diner in New Hope on our way home.

Molly started in on the "you have to snap out of this!" lecture. Then she started the "why don't you just tell him how you feel?" lecture. I told her that there is no way I'm going to tell him how I feel.

Then she told me that when she got on the phone with him he asked if Tom and I were serious. Molly told him she didn't know what he was talking about. And he told her that Nancy had called him a few weeks ago and told him that Tom and I were dating! Molly told him that Nancy had lied to him, and that there has never been anything more than friendship between Tom and me.

I was livid when I heard this! It just proves what a nasty person Nancy is. She was trying to keep Josh from me by telling him I was with someone else!

Molly said I was right to be mad and that we'd take care of Nancy, but she pointed out that Josh seemed kind of upset that I was seeing Tom. And then she used that as a reason for me to tell Josh how I feel, which still isn't going to happen. Why doesn't he tell me how he feels? Why should I put my heart on the line?

I wish I had more time to ponder this but I have to meet the people in the "Rock Around The Clock" dance number for our show. I think I made the choreography too hard because they're having a hard time with it. Time to think about reality and not what I wish were reality (Josh being madly in love with me!).