My friends are all out in the other room watching some stupid movie. I couldn't watch anymore of it. I'm not into stupid humor.

Kelly's cabin is sweet. We're having a good time so far. Lauren convinced her mother to let her join us. I guess Mrs. Anderson figured out that Josh would keep an eye on her. She was right, he's been playing chaperon, but Lauren has been on good behavior. She told me last night that she wants to take things slowly with Alex. I'm proud of her because a week ago she was ready to throw herself at him.

Natalie twisted her ankle this afternoon. I was feeling bad for her but Jason and Patrick have been waiting on her all night. I think she's enjoying it.

Josh has been pretty cool about Patrick being here. The other night he was kind of upset about it but we talked, and I explained to him that it was over for me and Patrick the moment Josh and I came face-to-face last May. I told him that I have waited such a long time for him to be here, and I don't want anything or anyone to ruin what we have.

Besides, if Patrick had really wanted me he wouldn't have walked away just because Josh asked him to. And if I had really wanted Patrick, I wouldn't have spent the past four months pining away helplessly for Josh. Don't get me wrong - Patrick is a really great guy, but he is no Josh Anderson.

Oh, and Josh has me under such a spell. Every look we share, and every time he touches me, I become totally weak. It's the whole nine yards: weak knees, pounding heart, sweaty palms, and feeling warm all over. And my helpless heart can't resist those blue eyes and charming smile of his. It would be absolutely mortifying if he wasn't also in this state that I'm in. I know these feelings of "new love" don't last forever so I'm trying to savor every moment and keep it close to my heart because I'm holding on to him this time. I'm not letting him go again.

Josh and I went to Longwood Gardens last night. It was kind of a hike from where we live, but it was so worth it. It was gorgeous there - the place was all lit up with Christmas lights. It was really romantic to walk around there. When Josh first got home and there were people around us constantly I was kind of annoyed because I wanted him to myself, but I think it worked out. It forced us to take things slowly and I think it's more romantic that way.

Molly's party was two nights ago and things kind of worked out in my favor - not that I planned it that way. Josh got held up at home with the guy they hired to tune the piano so I headed over to the party by myself. When I got there I ran into Patrick. I was excited to hear how things were going for him in Florida. It was completely innocent, but when I saw Josh walk in I could tell he wasn't happy. He walked over and shook Patrick's hand and was polite but I could see that he was uncomfortable.

After the party we went back to my house and he said, "I think I finally get it." I didn't know what he was talking about but he continued with, "Is that how you feel when you see me talking to Laura and Tanya?" I smiled at him. He really did get it. Although, Tanya doesn't really bothered me. The problem is Laura because she was manipulative and downright mean. He told me that he's not friends with her anymore and he just puts up with her because of mutual friends - and then he said he wouldn't even do that if it bothers me.

It was sweet. But I found out this morning from Molly that Patrick is going to Kelly's cabin this weekend. I hope this doesn't mess things up for me and Josh. I talked to Josh after I got off the phone with Molly and he didn't sound too happy about it. He said it was "an uncomfortable situation." It could be worse - he could be acting like a big baby - but I wanted to remind him that I have had to put up with his "fan club" for years. Besides, if anyone should be uncomfortable, it should be Patrick. He's the one that got caught up in the middle of our summer drama. Oh, well.

Natalie called me this morning too. I swear, it's only 11 a.m. and it's been a high drama morning. She asked me to pick her up at the airport this afternoon. Apparently she called Andy last night and told him that she doesn't want him to come to the cabin this weekend. She's decided that she's just not that in to him. So he's not picking her up at the airport as planned.

The weekend hasn't even started and already there's stories to tell. I'll try to post a blog or two while we're there. I have a feeling it's going to be an interesting few days.

The Anderson’s house was packed on Christmas Eve. There were family members and people that Mr. and Mrs. Anderson work with, but there were also tons of people I knew too! Josh had invited Mona and Angelo (who I have a feeling are more than friends these days!), a bunch of the dancers from our dancing competition, the doo-wop guys and some of the restaurant employees, and people from his play this summer.

Josh was busy talking to his dad’s friend when I got there so I walked around and talked to people. It was fun seeing so many people that I haven’t seen in a few months.

Molly and Adam showed up, and then our friends started to trickle in. Jennifer brought Lindsay, Laura and Tanya with her. I must have had a lot of Christmas spirit because Laura and Tanya’s presence didn’t bother me. Jason and Kelly showed up and then Alex arrived with his parents. Josh finally pulled himself away from his parents’ friends to hang out with us. He sat down on the couch next to me and whispered, “I’m sorry about that.” I knew he was and I wasn’t mad but I had spent the whole weekend waiting to really spend time with him and it was starting to feel like it would never happen.

Adam was telling us stories about his new job but all I could think about was how charged the small space between Josh and me was. And then Josh took my hand and I could feel the energy flowing between us. It amazes me that just the touch of his hand can have such a profound effect on me. I just sat there watching his thumb move across my hand as if to say, “I’m here with you now.”

Then it was Christmas carol time: Josh at the piano and everyone gathered around him. He and his dad did their annual rendition of “We Wish You The Merriest.” Then he surprised us all by announcing that Lauren would be playing the rest of the Christmas songs. She looked so excited, and I’m not sure why he did it, but it obviously meant a lot to her that she got to play the piano this year. I was happy because Josh came and stood next to me and put his arm around me while we sang. Mona kept smiling at me from across the room. I can’t help but laugh when I think about it – she’s such a cheerleader for me.

After the Christmas carols Josh said, “Don’t we have a date?” I looked at him not sure what he was talking about. “Under the mistletoe,” he clarified and I laughed and told him that he was right. He took my hand and pulled me into the family room where the mistletoe was hanging. He said, “I’m sorry things have been off to a slow start with me being sick and people being around us constantly.” I told him that it was okay and he said, “I promise I’ll make it up to you.” Then he said, “At least it adds to the anticipation.” He’s got that right! Then he leaned in and kissed me, and it wasn’t quick or rushed. It was perfect. I wanted to stay there in that moment. All of the waiting was so worth it.

He stayed by my side the rest of the evening. We talked to some friends for a little while, but I was happiest as the party started to clear out. Josh and I sat together in the little glassed in room that the Anderson’s have in the back of their house. No one was in there with us so we finally got to talk. I told him how happy I was that he was finally home and that we were together. He smiled at me and said, “that makes two of us.”

I heard “Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas” playing in the background – and not the happy remade versions, but the real one: the sad version that Judy Garland sang. I told him that I had listened to it last Christmas and kept thinking about the line: “Next year all our troubles will be miles away.” And how badly I hoped that line was true. I told him that last Christmas was horrible. He agreed and told me that it was the worst Christmas of his life. He said that last Christmas Eve was miserable and that all he wanted to do was sit in his room and mope. He told me that his mother kept going upstairs and dragging him down to the party. It made my heart break all over again, and I told him how I spent the night in my parents’ guest room crying my eyes out to Aunt Lu.

He looked at me and said, “We are never going through that again. Ever. This is how Christmas should be spent – happy and together.” He didn’t have to convince me. Then he said something that surprised me. He said that we should make a promise that no matter what, we will always be together on Christmas. That wasn’t a hard promise to make. Sitting there, warm and happy, snuggled up close to him was much better than being down in Florida in that cold house crying my eyes out over a heart that wouldn’t stop breaking.

Everyone had left at that point and the rest of his family had gone to sleep. It was well past midnight so Josh told me that he wanted to give me my Christmas present. He said that it will be more special at night anyway. I couldn’t figure out what in the world it could be – but it was the coolest gift ever. It was a star projector. We took it down in his basement where it was really dark and turned it on. It projected the night sky on to the ceiling – little stars all over the place! He told me that I could look up the stars all the time now. I loved it, and I loved sitting there in the dark with him looking up at the “stars.” It was so romantic and so special because I could tell he had put a lot of thought into that gift.

On Christmas I spent the day at Uncle Bill and Aunt Linda’s house. We had a nice day. Brett got Guitar Hero and we spent half the day playing it. Aunt Lu thought we were all nuts and we should learn how to play a real guitar.

Last night I spent the evening at the Anderson’s. I had dessert with them and then we all watched the movie “Elf.” Josh had a few more presents for me – mostly stuff from England. He brought me back the most amazing soap. I know it sounds crazy but I love Woods of Windsor soap. Natalie’s mother always had it and I thought it was the nicest soap in the world. So Josh picked up some for me when he went to Windsor Castle. I was so excited!

So that was Christmas. Today I went out to lunch with Molly, Jennifer and Lindsay. Tonight is Molly’s family party. Josh and I are going over there, and then tomorrow he and I are going to spend the day together – a whole day, just the two of us.

That’s all for now. Merry Christmas!

I just got home from an emergency shopping trip with Lauren. She called me last night when I was in Lancaster with Aunt Lu and Mom. She was frantic because she has nothing to wear tonight and Alex and his parents will be at the Christmas Eve party and she has to look perfect. It went on and on. It was 11:30 when we got home and Lauren came over and I tried to help her find something in my closet to wear. She was afraid Alex would recognize all of my clothes (like guys pay that much attention to a girl they are just friends with), so we got up at the crack of dawn this morning to drive down to the mall and buy her a new outfit. It worked out though because I found a new dress to wear.

When we got home Josh and his father were getting ready to make a grocery store run. I could tell that he's feeling better. His eyes were brighter and he looked more energetic. He told me that he has to do some last minute Christmas shopping this afternoon. I was teasing him that he hadn't bought my present yet, but he said, "Your present has been sitting in my room since Thanksgiving - and you're going to love it." Hmm...wonder what it is!?!

His father wanted to get going so Josh said he'll stop over when they get back. In the meantime, Aunt Lu needs my help baking so I better get down to the kitchen.

Josh is sick today. :( When I saw his family at church this morning without him I just knew it. He's been dragging since he got back and I knew it was more than jet lag. I stopped over to see him a little while ago and I could tell he's running a fever. Poor guy. It sucks. He's here and he feels crappy.

We had fun last night though - but even then I could tell he wasn't completely himself. Our evening started off with the dance recital. I did a swing dance with JD to "Rockin' Around The Christmas Tree." Then a little bit later in the show, Josh and I sang our song. It would have been nice to dance with him but singing was fun too. After our performance we ran backstage and he pulled me aside and laid a big kiss on me. So sweet.

After the show was over there was a brief reception. A lot of our supporters from this summer were there to see Josh. It was cute. He's got fans. :) Mostly - no make that ALL - of them are women. No surprise there. Luckily they are mostly older women and married and one of them told me she hopes that Josh and I get married. (You should have seen my mother's face when she heard that. Priceless.)

Then it was over to Angelo's for the Doo Wop Reunion. (I kept calling it that and Josh kept rolling his eyes at me.) The set started at 9:00 and they performed until 10:30. They mixed in some Christmas songs, doo wop style, like "Hey Santa Claus" and of course the famous Drifter's rendition of "White Christmas." Lauren sang "Make Me Your Baby." So obviously for Alex (more on that later).

I sang "Hello Stranger" and Josh knew it was for him. He was sitting in the front row with his parents, my mom and Aunt Lu while I was singing. He kept smiling at me and I was grinning non-stop. The song was just so perfect.

After my song Ron says, "So I guess a lot of you went to the dance recital tonight. I guess you saw that our Josh Anderson sang at a dance recital." Everyone cheered and Josh stood there looking at Ron wondering what was coming. Ron went on, "Who sings at a dance recital, man?" Josh was like, "I've been in England for four months - no time to learn a new dance." So Ron shook his head and said, "If you can sing at a dance show, you can dance at a singing show." Then he looked at me and said, "Josh, get your girl." They started playing "The Morse Code of Love." Josh looked at them and said, "If I dance who will sing?" Ron said, "We'll take care of that."

So Josh and I did our swing routine. He looked scared at first. We haven't done it in almost five months. I was afraid I'd forget it, and we did have to improvise a bit but it came off okay. When I choreographed that song I was still mad a Josh. It was from the very beginning of our dance contest when there were still a lot of hurt feelings. I added to the end a part where Josh is on his knees begging me to come back to him. At the time I liked it but last night when I looked at Josh as he was doing it, we both started laughing and we were hysterical for the rest of the dance. Everyone seemed to enjoy it but it wasn't our best work.

After the show we talked to people but I could see that Josh wasn't himself. He ended up leaving by 11:00 to go home and get in bed. I was walking him out to his car and we were leaving the restaurant through the back door when we spotted Alex and Lauren kissing in the back! Josh and I were standing there in shock and then he grabbed my arm and pulled me away so that we didn't interupt! Oh My God!!!!!! It's about time, isn't it?

Josh and I were going to go out tonight but I told him to stay home and rest up. I don't want him to be sick on Christmas. Instead, I'm going to go with my mom and Aunt Lu to see Aunt Lu's sister. Gotta run!

I finally heard from Josh around 8:00 last night. He sounded strange when I answered the phone and he said, “I’m not coming home tomorrow.” You can probably imagine that I was kind of freaking out. I was like, “what do you mean you’re not coming home?” He said something back but I couldn’t hear him. There was too much party noise. Then he said, “I’m having trouble hearing you over all the noise. Can you step outside?” My heart was pounding and I could feel myself getting angry. I grabbed my coat and walked out the front door.

I stopped short about halfway down the path when I saw Josh standing there leaning against a light pole. I started laughing as he walked over and pulled me into his arms. He said, “Oh, did I forget to mention that I’m not coming home tomorrow because I’m already here?” I punched him lightly in the arm and said, “You jerk!” He kissed me and told me he finished everything up early and called the airline to find out if he could fly home a day early. They told him he’d have to fly standby so he didn’t tell me he was going to try to come home early in case it didn’t work out. If I had noticed that he was calling from his cell phone I would have realized that he wasn’t in England but I did think about that until later!

Apparently Josh was the friend that Alex had to pick up at JFK. I can’t believe I didn’t put two and two together. Looking back on it, it all seems so obvious.

We went inside and Lauren looked so excited to see her brother. It was really cute. Alex looked a little disappointed that he wasn’t getting Lauren’s attention. LOL, he deserves it...

The party was a million times better after Josh got there. I was so thrilled that he was there. I kept holding his hand and smiling at him the whole time. Everything just seemed happier and better with him there.

Around 11:00 Josh looked completely beat. I think it was like 4 a.m. in England. I took him down to my bedroom and told him to go to sleep. I could tell he felt bad about going to bed when the party was still in full swing but I didn’t want him to get sick. I went back to the party for a few more hours. When I finally went to sleep I kept thinking, “I can’t believe he’s really here!”

The next morning I woke up and Josh wasn’t there. I laid there looking at the ceiling wondering if I had dreamed up the night before, but I saw his bags in the corner of my room so I knew it was real. I went upstairs to the kitchen and found Josh and Amanda making French Toast for everyone. It was the perfect start to the day.

Josh and Lauren headed to Pennsylvania a little while ago. Mrs. Anderson found out that he had left yesterday and wasn't too happy. Apparently she had been trying to reach him in England too and was worried, but I think she was really mad that he was in the states but not at home.

I’m going to head home as soon as my laundry is done. Josh and I are going to work on our song this afternoon so that I’m not nervous during our performance tonight.

I’m hoping that I get him alone tonight after the shows. I’m thrilled that he’s here early but between the party and him being so exhausted, we really haven’t gotten to have the reunion I’ve been hoping for. So keep your fingers crossed for me that things go well. The newest chapter in the Nicole and Josh romance has begun. I hope it has some steamy passages!

We're all set for the party tonight. Molly really did go all out with the decorations. Everywhere you look in our house you see something related to Christmas. She even put Santa window clings on the mirror in the bathroom. You literally can't go anywhere without being reminded that it's Christmas time.

Alex called me a little while ago to tell me that he's picking up a friend at JFK tonight and then coming down to our party. I told him that the "friend" better not be a girlfriend. All I need is for Alex to show up at our house with some girl and have Lauren get all upset. Alex promised that the friend is a guy and then he told me that there is nothing going on between him and Lauren and he's free to do what he wants. That's what he says but we all see the way he looks at Lauren. He's got to stop giving her mixed signals. It's just no fair.

I haven't heard from Josh at all today. I'm actually a little worried. We've been talking non-stop this week and I usually get an email from him every day. Molly says he's probably busy packing and saying good-bye to his friends. She's probably right. I just hope he's okay. I left a message for him earlier to call me back but no word yet. It's already 8:30 p.m. over and he has an early flight tomorrow so I assume that I'll hear from him in the next few hours.

My mom is flying in tonight. She's officially done with Florida and is going to be staying with Aunt Lu while she looks for a place of her own. I hope that this works out. I'm a little nervous about having her here, but I want her to be happy so I'm going to be supportive.

I'm still in Pennsylvania. I decided to hang out with Aunt Lu until tomorrow. Although, I spent two hours IM'ing Josh this morning, and then he called me this afternoon and we talked for a half hour because he had one international phone card left that he wanted to use up. He was getting ready to go to a holiday party with some friends tonight so I won't hear from him again until tomorrow. Now I can actually spend some time with Aunt Lu.

Nat and Molly conferenced called me this morning to inform me that they have determined a theme for our party tomorrow night. It's "Totally Christmas" because Molly is sick and tired of the "watering down of Christmas." The plan it to make everything as Christmas-y as possible and just be all out obnoxious Christmas. A few years ago Molly got into a feud with the vice-principle of our high school because he wouldn't let her decorate with a Christmas theme - it had to be "winter theme" or "holiday theme." It was a politically correct thing and it drove Molly to madness. She still hasn't gotten over it. So her yearly protest is to wish everyone she sees a "Merry Christmas." She told me this morning that when she is done, the townhouse is going to be decorated like a department store. Should be interesting to go home to Macy's tonight!

Less than 3 days...how am I ever going to make it? These last few days feel longer than the last few months. Josh and I have been emailing each other all day. I can tell he's eager to get home. I just wish the waiting were over. So much waiting... I can't stand it.

I'm going to Pennsylvania tonight to hang out with Aunt Lu. We're going to go out for dinner. It should keep my mind off of things. I need a distraction. The party planning isn't good enough. I keep thinking, "this party would be so much better if Josh were here."

Lauren is going to come Friday night and spend the night with us. I think she's hoping that Alex will be there, but he went back to Connecticut and I'm not sure if he's going to be down in time for the party on Friday. I called him and made a case for why he should come - after all, I understand the way Lauren feels - but I'm not sure that it made much difference. He said he has things to do and will try to make it.

I learned from Natalie yesterday that I'm a freak because I dance around the house and because I count out the dance timing when I listen to songs. I actually never realized that I do it, but I'll hear a song and wonder what dance it is and I'll start counting out the dance rhythm: "2-3-Cha-Cha-Cha" - I guess it's weird. Okay, it's definitely a little weird, but I can't be the only dancer out there that does it.

Anyway, random ramblings are taking over the blog so I'll sign off. I have to get ready to drive over to Aunt Lu's. More soon...

I've had a busy past few days. Christmas parties, shopping with Aunt Lu and going to see Christmas lights. It feels more Christmasy up here than it ever did when I was in Florida. It can't just be the weather, but I can't pinpoint the reason why. I think I feel like I have more family here. Maybe that's the reason.

Just a few more days until my sweet, smart, talented and incredibly sexy man is home! He sent me a quick email this morning that said, "Saturday: You. Me. Mistletoe. Are we still on?"

I am going crazy waiting for the weekend. I needed something to take my mind off of the waiting so we decided to throw a Christmas party on Friday night. I'm supposed to go out with Natalie later this afternoon to buy decorations and party supplies.

It will be fun, but I still want Saturday to get here as quickly as possible. I can't wait to sing "Hello Stranger" to Josh. And we have the song we're singing at the dance recital. I'm actually a little nervous about that since we've only rehearsed it at Thanksgiving. I hope I don't screw it up, but I'm sure Josh will help cover for me if I do.

That's all for now. I have to get ready for party planning!

It's so nice to be free! Alex, Natalie and I stayed up late talking last night. He told us that he's spent the whole summer trying to convince Lauren to sing with him. He said that he was at the Anderson's one afternoon during the summer and Lauren was in the kitchen singing and he was shocked at how good she is. He asked her why she wasn't up on stage performing but she shied away from the idea. He told us he was really excited that she was finally going to sing. He was kind of talking about her A LOT. Finally Natalie (never one to hold anything back) blurted out, "Why don't you ask the girl out and get it over with already?" Alex looked embarrassed and said that she's too young for him. I reminded him again that they are closer in age than Josh and I are. He just insisted that it was a bad idea. Oddly enough, this morning he showed me the set list for the doo-wop show next week, and a song called "Young Girl" - lead vocals by Alex - was added to the line up...kind of makes you wonder.

Alex and I went shopping earlier today for more Christmas presents. I'm stressing because I haven't found the perfect present for Josh yet. Everyone else I've got covered so I'm getting nervous. I want to get him something special.

Tonight it's a doo-wop rehearsal. I'm only going for the first hour because there's a holiday dance party at the studio tonight and I promised Mona I'd work. She likes us to be there to dance with the guests and show them steps if they don't know the dance that's playing. It should be fun.

That's all for now!

I'm finished for the semester! Yea!!!!!! :) It's such a relief!

I spent the past two days in Pennsylvania. I thought it would be easier to study there. For the most part it was but Lauren kept coming over after school to talk about Alex. I feel for her, I do, but it's getting old now. She's upset because Alex's parents are coming back East for Christmas which means he won't be staying with her family as originally planned. And she's upset because her mother won't let her go with us to the Poconos for the New Year. I wish I could help her but I don't know what to do.

Speaking of Alex, he's driving down tonight and crashing at our place. We're meeting with the doo-wop guys tomorrow evening to rehearse for next week. I'm going to sing "Hello Stranger." It's my little "welcome home" to Josh. Lauren is also singing a song. I'm excited about this because I think she has an amazing voice but she lives in Josh's shadow. This will give her a chance to shine. She's going to sing the second song that I was originally going to do. It's called "Make Me Your Baby"...probably a song for Alex...just a guess.

My count down clock is in the single digits!!!!! It's almost here. Each day has felt like a life time and yet looking back on it, it also seems like it went fast. How is that possible? Less than 9 days now!!!!

I'm ready for my test tomorrow. I have studies the whole weekend. I can't wait until my exams are over so that I can enjoy the holiday season. I'm ready to start the holiday celebration. Natalie and Molly went out and bought a Christmas tree today. We're going to decorate it tonight. I got the Christmas music, Molly made cookies and Amanda ran out to get us gingerbread lattes from Starbucks...yum.

I talked to Josh earlier today. He said he's ready to come home. He's had a good time but he's ready to be home now. Then he sang me a verse of Micheal Buble's "Home."

Less than 13 days left until he's here! I can't wait.

Natalie says that my countdown clock is a little over the top. She's probably right. She's been making fun of me lately. Last night I was baking cookies and listening to Christmas music, and doing the basic East Coast Swing step at the same time. Nat and Molly walked in and starting laughing hysterically. I don't care. I'm just glad my dancing is entertaining.

The rest of the night we baked, ate cookies and danced around the kitchen. Molly did a handstand while singing, "Don't cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me?" It was hysterical. I wish I had recorded it.

I think we're all relieved that classes are over. I'm going to camp out at the library all weekend to study for my exams. I want to be prepared so that I'm not stressed. I have one on Monday and one on Thursday. Then it's break time! I'm so excited!

Anyway, to keep the countdown going...15 days!!! :)

COUNTDOWNCLOCKS.org

My bio test wasn't as horrible as expected. Today I'm working on my paper. I have all of the research done, now I just have to organize it into a paper. Fun Fun! I also have to meet up with Ethan tonight to go over some of the stuff for our last debate.

Andy is here right now working with Nat on their debate. I am tempted to go snoop on them. I really think there is potential for a love connection there. If only Nat would listen to me.

Well, I should get back to work.

17 days left on my count down! :)

Not too much time to write today. It's my last bio lab and we have a test this afternoon. Everyone is kind of freaking out because there is so much information. I had to cancel my dance class with JD last night so that I could focus on studying...something I probably should have done more of.

This is the last week of classes. I will be so happy on Friday. Of course, I'll still have another week of finals but at least I lucked out this semester. There's no final for debate class. For another class we had papers to write all semester and my bio final is pretty small compared to the lab test. That just leaves two real finals to worry about.

I left Josh a message yesterday to thank him for the Hershey Kisses Tower. He emailed me this morning and wrote, "I had to make sure you got your share of holiday kisses. With all of the mistletoe popping up I was afraid some other guy might swoop in and try to make up for me not being there." I emailed him back and told him that no one could replace him.

18 days to go...

I just got home and found a box with my name on it! Fun! So I opened it and it was a Hershey Kisses tower. It came with this gigantic Hershey Kiss and the tag said, "I miss you, Nicole. Love, Josh." So cute! Then there were a bunch of regular sized kisses and the tags all say, "I love you." How cute is that?

19 Days until he's home!!!! I can't wait!

I went up to New York yesterday with Lauren, Molly and Amanda. Jennifer and Sean were supposed to meet up with us at Penn Station but she called me to tell me she was picking up Alex at Grand Central. Needless to say, Lauren was quite happy that Alex surprised us by coming into the city. We all went out to lunch and then did Christmas-y things. I missed Josh, but it was a fun day.

I'm taking it easy today. Yesterday was a whirl-wind day through Manhattan and it's always exhausting. Plus I was out late on Friday. I went dancing with JD and Damon. I only got a few hours of sleep before I had to get up for New York. And we got back home last night around 2:00 a.m.

It was snowing when we got home and even starting to accumulate. I took a few pictures and emailed them to Josh so that he could see the first snow fall of the year.

Well, I don't have much to blog about and I want to bake some cookies so I'm going to sign out now. More later...

I just got back from the dance studio. Our class ended before Thanksgiving but Mona wanted to meet with me about a new idea she had for a dance competition. This time we're doing a "Dancing With the Stars" competition with couples. Each pro will get a couple to teach and the couple will perform each week. Mona thinks this will attract more contestants. I think it's interesting but I know the pro dancers like to perform. I'm not sure if they will want to do it. She wants to start this in January. We're going back to our old format for the summer.

I'm still deciding if I want to do it again this year. I think it will feel weird to go through it again with another guy after last summer with Josh.

I'm still watching Sabrina and Mark's Cha Cha on You Tube. I just can't stop watching it. It's my favorite performance from "Dancing With The Stars." They were robbed. That Cha Cha was better than any of the dances the finalists did. And Mark dislocated his shoulder in the middle of that performance. He passed out and was rushed to the hospital afterwards. It amazes me that he was able to do that dance in that much pain. Wow.

It's been a hectic week. Natalie's car was stolen last night. She's been a wreck all day. Her mom is flying up this weekend to help her get a new car if it hasn't been recovered. This happened in Philadelphia so we're pretty sure that it won't be recovered. Lucky for Nat, her debate partner, Andy was nice enough to drive down to Philadelphia and help her fill out the report. I think it would be really nice if she gave him a chance to be more than friends (hint, hint, Nat, if you're reading this!).

In addition to the stolen car, Amanda has decided to move in with us. She hates her roommate and her ex has been seen hanging around outside of her dorm. She wants to get away from them and Natalie figured it would help with living expenses to have a fourth roommate. Amanda's going to take my room and I'm going to take the room in the basement. I'll have more privacy, it's bigger and it walks right outside at ground level so I think it will be nice. It's just going to be a pain moving all of my stuff - especially since the person mostly likely to help me is in England.

Speaking of Josh, he's back in England. I was up half the night on Monday worried about him, but he got there safe and sound. Just a little over three weeks until he's home for good. I can't wait! Josh told me that Kelly invited us to spend New Years at her aunt's cabin in the Poconos. He asked if I wanted to go. I'm kind of iffy about it but at least I know he wants to spend New Years with me. I think of all the New Years in the past where I've needlessly worried about whether or not he wants to be with me, always to find out that he does. This time there are no worries.

I just have a good feeling. Things seem more right than they ever have before. It's not that I love him more than I did before, because I've always loved him, but the way things are falling into place seems better. I don't know, I don't want to get my hopes up, but at the same time I can't deny how right everything feels. I just keep thinking about us sitting in the restaurant Saturday night smiling at each other and I know I haven't smiled like that in a really long time. We were both just so happy - just pure happiness. It's so rare. I think I'm a generally happy person, but not like that. This was intense happiness.

Okay, I'm rambling. Rambling but hopeful, and excited. Excited because in three weeks I'll get to be with the one I love...

I just got back from dropping Josh off at the airport. The ride home was hell. So much traffic and so much fog. I was afraid Josh's flight would be canceled or delayed but I just checked online and it looks like it got of the ground on time.

I'm sad that he's gone but I'm also grateful for the wonderful two days we had together. It was nice having him home. I guess I looked sad as we were saying good-bye because he said, "hey, we just got two days we didn't expect to have - that's a gift." He told me to think of this as a prelude to what's to come at Christmas time.

He's right so I'm going to focus on how much fun I had this weekend and the fact that I got to see him a whole month sooner than I expected. And besides, if this weekend sets the stage for what's to come, I think I'm going to be a very happy girl in a few weeks. He was so great this weekend - so sweet and gentle. My heart soars every time I think about it.

Now I just pray for his flight to get to England safely. I'm sure I'll be up all night tracking the plane online. I just have to know that he's there and he's safe.

The plane ride home from Florida felt agonizingly long. It was the standard direct flight from Tampa but I was so antsy that it felt like it took forever to get there. When we pulled into the gate at Newark I thought to myself: “he’s here.” And then I couldn’t stop smiling after that.

I made a quick stop in the restroom to freshen up and then I headed toward baggage claim where I knew he’d be waiting for me. I admit, I paused for a moment at the top of the escalator to calm my nerves. I was excited but also nervous that I’d mess things up. I got on the escalator and looked down but I didn’t see him and I was kind of annoyed for a minute but then I spotted him checking out the monitors that tell you which luggage carousel your bags are coming in on. I got to the bottom and he had started heading over and then our eyes met and the next thing I knew I was in his arms.

I was just so happy to see him and look into those beautiful eyes of his (and he was wearing his glasses – so cute!). He said, “I’m so glad you’re here. Being here without you has been torture!” I just laughed. He’s complaining about a few days? I told him he should try going three months.

We got my bags and then headed into Manhattan. There was a lot of traffic so it took us awhile to get to his aunt’s place but it gave us time to talk. It’s weird because we email each other every day and talk several times a week on the phone, but we still had so much to say. And even though we were catching up on things, it also felt like we haven’t missed a beat. We were just back in the groove of things immediately.

We went to a restaurant close to his aunt’s apartment for dinner. We were talking and laughing when the woman at the table next to us leaned over and told us she’d never seen two people smile so much. I was a little embarrassed but she was right, we were grinning at each other all night.

Josh told me that he was frustrated because he’s forgetting the dances from the summer and he wants to learn how to lead. We went back to his aunt’s and pushed the furniture aside so that I could give him a dance lesson. We went over the Fox Trot, Cha Cha and Rhumba. I refreshed his memory on the steps and he caught on pretty quickly. Teaching him to lead was really hard. I don’t usually have to lead and when I do, it just comes naturally. I told him that I’d get JD to help him out when he comes home in December.

Then he said, “how about a slow dance?” I agreed but told him that I got to pick the song. So I put on “Put Your Head On My Shoulder.” I had wanted to dance with him to that song since he sang it. He pulled me close and I just melted right into him. I just had this feeling that I was exactly where I was supposed to be. It almost seemed too good to be true – like I was dreaming and going to wake up at any second. I looked up at him and said, “Tell me this is real.” He looked back at me and said, “I don’t know anything more real than what I feel for you.” It was the perfect night.

This morning we got up and went to brunch and then over to Rockefeller Plaza. We saw the Christmas Tree. It won’t be lit for another week but it was cool to see it. Then we went down to Penn Station to meet Keith who was coming in from Baltimore. We had lunch with him and then we drove back to New Jersey to pick up my car and then headed to Pennsylvania to have dinner with his family.

It was fun. We were asked to dance in the Holiday Recital since we won the contest this summer, but with him being away it’s too hard to learn a dance so we’re going to sing instead. Mr. Anderson helped us pick out a song and we practiced it a little.

Now we’re back at the townhouse in New Jersey – actually, Josh is over at Jason’s right now. He meets with the principle of the school he’ll be student teaching at tomorrow and then I’m taking him back to the airport. I’m already starting to feel sad about him leaving. I know that these last few weeks will probably go by fast because I’ll be busy studying for finals, finishing papers, and doing holiday stuff – but I still wish he could stay. And this weekend has been so perfect – especially last night. He was just so sweet in every way possible. He held my hands and touched my face when he kissed me and said all the right things. I should go enjoy this last night with him here.

I just got home from marathon shopping. I'm exhausted. My mom dragged me out of bed at 4:00 a.m. so that we could get an early start. We shopped for almost 10 hours. I didn't buy much because I don't feel like dragging it back home on the plane with me but my mom was crazy. She may have single handedly revived the American economy. I've never seen anything like it. She gives new meaning to the term "unbridled consumption." I'm kind of worried because I don't know how she can afford to go crazy like that. Now that she and my father are separated she doesn't have access to all of his money. Who is going to pay these bills? Plus, she's planning to move to Pennsylvania in a few months! She has no place to live there. She has no job there. I'm just frustrated by her lack of planning or consideration for the future.

I'm actually glad that I'm spending the evening with my father. He has been surprisingly amazing this trip. He hasn't had one drop of alcohol the whole time I've been here. He's charming and funny and smart. I wish he were always like this. I think I'd really like him if I could just trust him. The problem is that I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. I keep expecting to walk in on him sitting in his chair drinking scotch from the bottle and slobbering all over the place.

I talked to Josh this morning. He's really jet-lagged. He said that he wants to be on Eastern time because he wants to do things with his family and friends, but he knows he's going back to England in three days and doesn't want to have to readjust to their time. I teased him that he was like Elise (my roommate last spring who refused to live on Eastern Time the whole semester.) He insisted it wasn't that bad. I told him that I'd be the judge of that. He laughed and said, "I'm sure you will."

He's going to a party at Ron's house tonight (one of the doo-wop guys). I told him that he better make sure to get enough sleep because I want him to be awake tomorrow when I get home. He said, "I'm pretty sure the jolt of electricity I get from kissing you will keep me from falling asleep." So cute! He assured me that he won't fall asleep on me.

Well, I am going to head over to Natalie's. We're going to Siesta Key to lie on the beach for a few hours before dinner.

Today was a good day. Josh called when his plane landed in Newark. It's so nice to know we're on the same continent. Just a few more days...

I took a walk out on the docks by the bay after dinner and called him to talk. We had the best conversation. It just makes me want to get home to him as quickly as possible. He was asking me how the weather is. I told him it was warm and clear out, that the stars were shining and that I wished he were here with me. He said he wished he were here too. He said, "we could play on the beach all day and kiss under the stars all night." Then he told me that if he were here he'd look into my eyes and tell me how incredible I am. Then he'd brush the hair from my face (I love it when he does that!) and then he'd move closer and softly press his lips against mine. I swear I had goosebumps as he was talking.

Now it's all I can think about. I can't wait to get home and have a real kiss. A real kiss after months of phone calls and emails. I just can't wait to see him in the flesh. It makes me wonder why I ever tried to resist him this summer. All that wasted time. What was I thinking?

I’m in a really good mood today. It’s rainy and dreary out and I’m about to escape to Florida. Warmth and sunshine. Of course and I’d be warm and sunny if I were going to see Josh tomorrow, but I’m trying to make the best of things.

I’m just killing time in the computer lab until we have to leave for the airport. Nat and I had planned to go to our Bio Lab this afternoon and then realized we would never get to the airport on time so we’re skipping class today. I’m hoping that it doesn’t kill our grade. I’m hoping that there isn’t much going on today since it’s the last day before vacation.

I got an email from Josh this morning. He wrote, “Is it Saturday yet? I can’t wait to see you.” I hope he’s going as crazy with anticipation as I am. It’s only fair. :)

Well, it’s off to the airport… Tampa International, here I come!

I spent the afternoon packing for Florida. Natalie and I are heading to the airport straight from our bio lab tomorrow. The weather over the next few days seems pretty crappy so I am looking forward to some Florida sunshine. I still think it will be rough on me being down there with Josh up here. I think the next few days will be harder than any other day since he left. I just want Saturday to come.

I've planned out my time in Florida to both maximize my time with both parents (harder now that they are separated) and keep my mind off of wanting to be in Pennsylvania. My dad is picking me up at the airport tomorrow and I'm going out to dinner with him and my grandparents. Wednesday is brunch with my mother. The rest of the day I'm spending with my father. Thanksgiving will be split - day with dad, night with mom. Friday is shopping with mom and then dinner that night with my dad. Saturday I'm getting my hair done and then flying home. Busy, busy! I'm hoping to sneak in a trip to Siesta Key with Nat on Wednesday. Knowing my father, he's bound to have some work-related emergency that he'll have to take care of. I hope this satisfies them because I will be in Pennsylvania for Christmas - nothing is going to change that!

I can't wait to get this week started. I want to get to next Saturday as quickly as possible. I am so wound up right now. I just want to get to Florida so that I can get back and see Josh waiting for me at the airport. I think the hardest part will be knowing that he's home and I'm stuck down there. I'm afraid I'm going to go out of my mind wishing I were in Pennsylvania.

I just can't wait. I've gotten over being freaked out and now I'm just going crazy with anticipation. I'm sure I seem a broken record, but I've been missing him so much and waiting for him to get home for what feels like forever. I am just so happy that he will be here in a few days.

I keep thinking about how things were in August. I'm not going to pretend it was perfect, but when it was good, it was really good. I was so spellbound when I was in his presence. And then before things could really get started, he had to leave. I just want him back here so we can pick things up where we left off...

Six days to go. How am I ever going to get through this week?

I'm feeling calmer today. I think it's because I have a fun weekend planned. Lindsay has off all next week (lucky!) so she's driving here from State College to spend the weekend. Jennifer is coming down from New York, and Lauren is coming over too so we're all having a girl's weekend. Molly and I just got back from the grocery store. We loaded up on junk food for the weekend and Natalie picked up a bunch of chick flicks - including one of my favorites, "Never Been Kissed."

This weekend will hopefully keep me from going crazy with anticipation. I can't wait until Josh is home. Even just knowing that he'll be in the States will make me feel better. I will just feel more at ease knowing that he's home. I talked to him this morning and he said that he's happy to be coming home but also stressed because he'll be missing a lot of classes since there is no Thanksgiving break in England.

We made our plans for next weekend. He's going to pick me up in Newark on Saturday and then we're going to go into Manhattan Saturday night. We're going to stay at his aunt's place and then hang out in the city on Sunday. Keith will be returning that day so we're going to meet up with him for lunch. I would prefer to have Josh all to myself but I understand that he wants to see his friend. I guess I can share for a little while...

I talked to Alex this morning. He was getting ready to fly to Hawaii for the week to spend the holiday with his parents. He complains about going there which I think is nuts. I wish my parents would move to Hawaii. How great would that be? He had made a compromise with them to go home for Thanksgiving because he wants to spend Christmas in Pennsylvania. He said he's not into the whole "Mele Kalikimaka" thing. (You have no idea how long it took me to figure out how to spell that!) He said he wants the kind of Christmas that he's used to. Lauren is very happy about this because it looks as though the Andersons will be taking Alex in for the holiday.

Well, I've got to get going. I have to pick Jen up at the train station.

I am truly in panic mode. I don’t know why I’m so nervous about Josh coming home. Natalie told me I’m acting like a nut. Molly said, “Josh has been in love with you for years. Chill out.” And Amanda is being the good friend listening to me freak out, but mostly because I listened to her last week and helped her through the ex-boyfriend drama. Maybe I am being crazy, but isn’t it normal to be a little crazy when the one thing you really want is so close and you don’t want to do anything to mess it up?

Molly keeps reminding me that I have done a lot of stupid things (gotta love it when your friends remind you of all the stupid things you’ve done) and that Josh doesn’t seem to care. She even said she thinks he likes it and sees it as part of my charm. Hmm…that could be pushing it a little bit. I would say that he’s more amused by the stupid things I do than actually liking that I do stupid things. The worst of it is that in other parts of my life I don’t act idiotic, but my foolish tendencies come out in spades whenever Josh is around.

I just have to be positive. I have to expect the best and have faith that it will be a good weekend. Amanda and I went to the mall this afternoon after class. I bought a new green sweater to wear the day that he picks me up at the airport. The color makes my eyes pop. And I’m going to go with my mom to get my hair cut at our favorite salon in Florida so I should look pretty good when I see him.

I’m so nervous but I also can’t wait! Only 9 days now!

I'm having a nervous break down. Josh will be on his way home a week from now. Actually he'll be home a week from now. And just a few days later we will be reunited for the first time since August. It's the moment I have been waiting for for weeks. Weeks and weeks of pining finally coming to a pause - a reprieve from the longing. So why am I freaking out?

Well, what if it doesn't go well? What if I say something stupid or do something ridiculous to mess things up? I don't have the best track record in the world. For instance, this summer and the pool incident. Horrific. Or our first date where my drink got spiked, I got drunk and told him he was the sexiest guy on earth. Humiliating. And then there's my personal favorite: the time I spent $200 for a date with him. I have no shame.

So you can see why I'd be nervous. I'm bound to so something stupid. I want this to be perfect. I want him to come home in December and want to be with me. I want him to want this as badly as I do. Now I just have to find a way to play it cool so that I don't come off like a complete lunatic!

I'm back from my weekend getaway. Natalie's father said "no" to her use of the plane - and frankly I don't blame him. It's his company plane and it's probably not okay for his daughter to be flying around on it. We ended up going out to State College to visit Lindsay. We crashed on her floor. We had a good time but it was cold out there and a little snowy. It was fun though. We went to the Penn State Creamery and had the most delicious ice cream on the planet! Yum. It was nice seeing her and good to get away.

Amanda has been having problems with her ex-boyfriend. I don't want to say too much about it because this is, afterall, the internet and anyone could be reading. She just needed to get away from it all. It was a rough week last week.

On a happier note... Less than two weeks until I see my honey! I'm so excited. I can't believe that he will actually be here and I'll be here - at the same time! These past few months have felt so long and drawn out, and now it's so close until he gets home. I can't wait. I can't wait to see his face and hold him close. I honestly don't know how people maintain long distance relationships for a long time because I'd go nuts if there were no end in sight. Phone calls and email are okay, but there is something to be said for true physical contact. 13 days!

It's been a busy week. I've pretty much spent all of my time with Amanda. I'll explain later. There's just been a lot of drama and I've been trying to help her through it. It's been so bad that Natalie called her father to see if we could get out of town this weekend on his company plane. Amanda just really needs to get away.

Some good news though...my father called and we worked out a Thanksgiving compromise. I'm going to get there on Tuesday instead of Wednesday and come home on Saturday instead of Sunday. So one extra day with Josh! :)

Well, that's all for now. I will write more when I have more time!

Jen and I chatted on the phone last night about DWTS. She agrees with me that the Cheetah Girl was cheated! So not right... She said she's watching it with a completely different perspective this time around after our experiences with the dance competition last summer. She thinks she peaked too soon. I think she may be right. If you peak too soon there can be backlash or you can loose momentum. Jen and JD were awesome, but I'm glad Josh and I beat them! :)

We were talking about how obvious it seems that Sabrina and Mark are very close. I asked Jen if it was obvious that Josh and I were close. She told me that people speculated and were always asking if we were a couple. I think it's funny but at the same time I guess people like the idea of seeing a real romance unfold. Looking back on it, I think Angelo was right when he told me to keep the dances romantic. He knew that people like to believe in love. I shouldn't have been so dismissive. I guess I wanted to win based on our talent and not on our hype.

I talked to Josh a little while ago and told him that I was upset that he wasn't more disappointed that I'm going to Florida. He told me he was disappointed but he didn't want to fuel my fire by getting me more worked up over it. He said that he doesn't want me to fight with my parents. So the plan is that he will pick me up at the airport the Sunday after Thanksgiving and we will have that evening and Monday evening together. I guess it's better than nothing. I wish I had more time but at least I don't have to wait until Christmas to see him.

I was upset last night about my fight with my father so I thought I'd watch Dancing With The Stars to cheer myself up. So much for that idea. I am so upset by the outcome of last night's result show. SABRINA got the boot? Something went terribly wrong! That girl can dance and the chemistry between her and Mark was amazing. They just let all the steam out of that show. It was the best season ever and now they've eliminated one of the top contenders. I'm sure Jane and Marie are nice people, but how are they still in the ballroom and Sabrina's not? I've lost all interest now. I just don't care. I loved tuning in and seeing what Sabrina and Mark would do each week. The rhumba they did was AMAZING. It just boggles my mind that they are no longer in the competition.



I talked to Josh earlier today and told him that my father insists that I go down to Florida. He said, "well, we'll still have Sunday night and Monday." Gee, he could be a little more disappointed! I'm crushed that I'm losing all of that precious time with him and he's all blasé about it! It's so irritating.

I know he loves me, but I think I love him more. And I'm sure he would argue with me about that but I'm pretty sure I'm right. I just wish he knew what it feels like to be the one who loves the most. Maybe then he wouldn't be so easy going about things.

I have such a headache. Today was a long day and I had a huge fight with both parents last night. They weren't so understanding about my need to stay in Pennsylvania over Thanksgiving. My mom actually wasn't that bad which was a surprise, but my father told me that I have to go to Florida for the weekend. I told him that I'm not going and he told me that as long as he's footing the bill for my college education and living expenses, I will do what he says.

I'm so aggravated! Since when does he care if I go down there to visit? I'll have to split my time between the two of them anyway so it's not like he gets to see me the whole time. Besides my father only notices if his friends Jack and Johnny (as in Daniels and Walker) aren't there. He usually doesn't pay attention to me anyway!

Why should I go down there and be miserable when the person I want to see is up here? I am so upset about this! I know that Josh will be here until the Tuesday after Thanksgiving and I'll be back on Sunday, but I want more time with him! I have waited so long. I have missed him so much! I don't want to wait. And I don't want to waste a single second.

HE'S COMING HOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I just got off the phone with Josh and he's coming home for Thanksgiving! His mom was depressed about him not being here, and it turns out that he has to meet with the principle of the school that he will be student teaching at in the Spring so his mom bought him a ticket to come home!

I will finally be getting that relief that I've needed. I feel so much better. I can make it until the end of November but not until Christmas. Less than four weeks and he'll be home. I can't wait.

Now there is just one little hurdle to deal with. Well, two little hurdles: Mom and Dad. I am supposed to go to Florida over Thanksgiving to visit them. But I'm sure when I explain it to them they will understand. I mean, the love of my life has been gone for months and he's coming home. I want to see him!

This morning I was feeling kind of down because I had a dream about Josh last night and I was so happy and then I woke up. It made me miss him so much more. But now I know he's going to be home for a few days and my spirits are up. I just can't wait for him to be here where I am. I can't wait for us to be breathing the same air, and experiencing the same time of day, and looking at each other when we talk. And I won't need AT&T to reach out and touch him because he will be here. I am so excited!

I just can't believe it. I can't believe that he will be home - even if it's only for a few days. He will be here. Finally. He will be here. I have to get my act together now. I want to buy some new clothes and get my hair cut so that I look perfect when he returns. I want everything to be perfect.

I'm bored so I thought I'd fill this out...

YOU CAN ONLY TYPE ONE WORD!!! NO EXPLANATIONS.

Yourself:
here

Your Lover:
away

Your Hair:
ponytail

Your Mother:
self-involved

Your Father:
drunk

Your Favorite Item:
iPod

Your Dream Last Night:
Josh

Your Favorite Drink:
water

Your Dream Home:
happy

The Room You Are In:
bedroom

Your Pets:
none

What You Are Now:
longing

Who You Want to be in Ten Years:
same

What You Want to be in Ten Years:
accomplished

What You're Not:
my father

Your Best Friend:
Josh

One of Your Wishlist Items:
Josh

Your Gender:
female

The Last Thing You Did:
eat

What You Are Wearing:
sweater

Your Favorite Weather:
warm

Your Favorite Book:
fiction

The Last Thing You Ate:
turkey

Your Life:
busy

Your Mood:
sentimental

Favorite article of clothing:
scarf

Favorite color:
green

School:
time-consuming

Song:
love

Aunt Lu drove out here to take me to lunch today. We had a nice time. She told me that my mom's having a hard time figuring out to do without my father. My mom has never really been alone and she doesn't know what to do. I guess that's why she's planning to move up to Pennsylvania. I told Aunt Lu that I'm not really that happy that Mom's moving up here. She's always making comments about how I'm too serious with Josh.

Our Halloween party was last night. It was fun. Keith actually came down with Jen and Sean. I talked to him about Josh and I think things are better now. He knows now that I love Josh and wouldn't hurt him.

Jason came with Kelly. I'm a little disappointed because it seems like they are back together. I guess I was hoping he would start dating Natalie. I think they'd make a cute couple and they seem to get along so well. But he's with Kelly again and Nat has her sights set on Ethan from our philosophy class.

I told Jen about my email from Laura. She said that I did the right thing by ignoring it. She said that Laura probably thinks that if she drums up trouble for me and Josh he will turn to her since she's the only person he knows in England. He's made friends there though so I doubt he'd turn to her anyway.

Well, that's all for now.

I meant to post this yesterday and must have saved it instead. It's a post from Friday, Oct. 26th

Here it is...

We're having a Halloween Party tomorrow night. Natalie, Molly and I just got back from a shopping spree. We bought black lights, strobe lights, fog machines, and tons of decorations. Jason is coming over tonight to help us hang everything. I think it will be a good time. Jennifer and Sean are coming down from New York and I even told her she could bring Keith. I'm trying to spread goodwill since he's Josh's best friend from college.

I got an email from Laura this morning. She wrote: "I just think you should know that there's a girl here that is totally putting the moves on Josh." I wrote back an email and then deleted it. I've decided not to respond. I know Laura can't be trusted after the lie she told this summer. And you know what? I trust Josh. Our summer together bonded us in a way that we weren't bonded before. He says he loves me and I believe him. I don't think he's going to let some girl get between us after all that we've been through.

The other thing is that he called yesterday and told me that he's thinking of moving in with Jason next semester. Jason lives two doors away! Josh wanted to make sure I was okay with him living so close. He said he didn't want me to feel like he was invading my territory. I told him that I was thrilled - besides, he lives next door when we're in Pennsylvania. Why would it bother me? I'm even more excited about him coming home now. I just wish it would happen sooner. I miss him so much!

I've been listening to the Barbara Lewis songs as Ron suggested. I found two that I like and one of them will be perfect for Josh's return. It's called "Hello Stranger" and I want to dedicate it to him when he gets back. In the song the singer expresses how happy she is that her love is back, and I know that's how I'm going to feel.

So I hate to admit it, but ever since my ballet teacher told me to lose a few pounds I feel disgusting. Last week at this time I thought I looked pretty good and now I think "ick" every time I look in the mirror. I know it's all in my head. I mean, we all have things about ourselves that we hate -but I wasn't this harsh on myself until my ballet teacher made her little comment.

I was talking to JD about it. He said, "you're not a ballerina - you're a ballroom dancer." I think that was supposed to make me feel better? All of the women in my ballet class are supper skinny. I guess I should say that they are long and lean, but they look like you could knock them over with a feather. I know in my head that I look good and that I'm healthy, but I can't stop thinking that I look bad because of that stupid comment. How dumb is that? Why am I letting one person's idiocy get to me so much?

So now I'm not looking forward to going to ballet tonight. I wish I could quit. I would rather take any other class anyway. But I know that ballet will help my posture, my frame and my extensions. I am loving my Fox Trot classes though and we're almost finished with the Silver Level syllabus. We're deciding whether to go to the Gold Level or whether to do the Tango at the Silver Level.

So how pathetic is it that I walk around all day wishing Josh would come home? I need to get a gripe. Seriously. This is just sad now. He'll be home in two months. I just need to suck it up for a few more weeks. I just want to get things settled. We only had 2 and a half weeks to be together before he left. I want him home so that we can really be together. I just want him here.

Why is it that time moves so slowly when you're away from the one you love, and so quickly when he's here? I just wish I could have one day with him here. I know he'll be back in December. I know that this isn't the end of the world, but missing him eats me up. I thought that by now I'd be used to him being away but I just miss him more and more.

Spending the weekend with Lauren didn't help. Part of it is because she's his sister, but mostly it was because she would talk about Alex and look at Alex the way I used to look at and talk about Josh. She is really crazy about him, and it reminded me of the days before Josh and I got together. Of course, Alex is showing no signs of changing his mind about being with Lauren, but I can't help but cheer her on. I can't help it. I want love to prevail, and I know that Alex cares about her and wants to be with her. He just won't let himself. But maybe that will change.

Anyway, the weekend was fun. Alex's dorm was running a haunted house so we helped them with that. Alex took us on a campus tour and then yesterday we stopped at Lauren's grandparent's house for lunch. That also made me miss Josh. I kept looking around and remembering the night we spend there this summer. We stayed up late, sitting on the back porch and talking. We had had so much fun that night.

I talked to Josh earlier today. His mom left today and is on her way back to the States. He told me about their weekend in Paris. I'm jealous. I would give anything for a weekend in Paris with Josh. Actually, I would give anything for even a day with him. I just wish there were a little relief in sight. December 22nd seems so far away.

I got an email from Josh this morning. He wrote, "DO NOT DIET. You are perfect the way you are." Then he told me he'd call me tonight. It will be nice to talk to him. Email isn't quite the same. Not that the telephone is much better. I just hope we won't spend the whole time talking about my dance teacher's remark about me needing to lose a few pounds.

After dance last night JD and I went over to Angelo's because we heard Mona was there and I wanted to see her. Angelo made us taste his new cheesecake recipe - to die for! So good! I was talking to Ron, one of the doo-wop guys. He told me that the group is going to get back together to perform once Josh is home from England. He asked me if I'd like to sing with them again. I told him I'd like that but I want to sing something besides "The Boy From New York City." He told me to listen to some Barbara Lewis songs and see if I'd like to do a few of them. I went to iTunes and searched for her most popular songs. I downloaded the top three. They are definitely not songs I would normally listen to, but I understand that I have to sing songs that go along with the doo-wop sound. Maybe I just need to listen to them a little more.

Lauren should be here soon. We're heading up to see Alex as soon as she gets here. I'm not real thrilled about driving up there tonight. The weather is supposed to be bad and lets face it, driving anywhere near New York City around rush hour is just plain stupid. The last time I went up there with Josh we got stuck in a backup at the Tappanzee and that wasn't even rush hour. And it always seems like it gets even worse once you're in Connecticut. Oh well. I think I heard the door bell so that means it's time for me to hit the road. I hope this weekend isn't a nightmare!

I haven't talked to Josh at all this week and I'm going crazy. A few emails here and there but no phone conversations. I know he's busy with his mother. They were in London last weekend and they are going to Paris tomorrow. I probably won't get to talk to him until she returns. I miss him so much. Time is going so slowly.

I figured out why Lauren is so desperate to go to Connecticut this weekend. It's because her mother is in England so there is no one to stop her from going away. Very sneaky.

Well, nothing interesting to post so I'll get back to homework.

My ballet teacher told me that she thinks I need to lose a few pounds! I was shocked. I admit that I'm like most other girls and sometimes feel self conscious about the way I look, but I never thought I needed to lose weight. I don't even know what I'm supposed to do. I workout regularly and I dance all the time. I'm not sure I can add more exercise in. So am I supposed to eat less? I've never dieted.

Moving on... I told Lauren that I don't think we should go to Connecticut, but the girl has an amazing power of persuasion. She guilt tripped me into going with her. So I'm going to Connecticut this weekend. I called Alex earlier to give him the heads up. He didn't seem to care either way. I'm so confused. I wish the two of them would figure this out without getting me involved in it.

Just have to say about Dancing With The Stars - "Scary Spice" Mel should not have been in the bottom 2 tonight! I'm going to have to start voting. And it's not just because I love watching Maks. :)

I'm still annoyed about Keith. I know that I shouldn't let it get to me but it does. I thought that Josh was cheating on me Laura last year. My heart was completely broken, but my friends don't treat him like a jerk. I haven't said anything to Josh about Keith. I don't want to cause problems in their friendship.

Lauren emailed me today and asked me to go up to Connecticut this weekend. She wants to visit Alex. I haven't spoken with him yet so I don't know how he feels about this, but I have a sneaky feeling that if Lauren gets her way, Alex won't have a say in the matter. I'm not sure what to do. I'd like to go see Alex, but I don't want to cause any problems. Do I encourage this crush of Lauren's or do I tell her to move on? I know that Alex is in to her, but I also know that he won't date her. I thought he might change his mind, but now I'm convinced that he won't. He spent the summer with her and did nothing. She did everything she could on the camping trip to get his attention and still he did nothing. I think I have my answer. I should tell her I can't go. I don't want to set her up for heartache.

Well, I have to get ready for my Fox Trot lesson tonight. That's all for now!

Okay, hold on to your hats. I am about to confess something that I never thought I would admit. I am kind of enjoying the cool weather. I know - totally unlike my Southern self - but I guess I'm getting used to Pennsylvania seasons. And fall is so pretty here. The leaves are starting to change and that cool crisp air feels really good. I emailed Josh yesterday and told him this. He emailed me back, "Who are you? And what have you done with my girlfriend?" It was cute.

So New York was fun. Jen and I went out to dinner in Little Italy and then we hung out in her dorm room the rest of the night. This morning we ran into Keith - Mr. Congeniality. I'm not sure if he's ever really liked me, but today it was obvious that he's not my biggest fan. In the beginning he thought that Josh shouldn't be dating a high school girl, and then last year he thought I was cheating on Josh with Jordan. He's never really given me the benefit of the doubt.

Jen told me that Josh was miserable last year after we broke up, and Keith is just protective of him. I appreciate that Josh's friend cares about him, but I wish he'd be a little nicer.

Oh, and Jen told me that Keith thinks I won't let Josh drink! Where does he get this stuff? I have never told Josh what to do. Plus, I know a few girls bought him drinks at Angelo's this summer so I don't know what Keith is talking about. I really don't know why he thinks that. I have never told Josh not to drink. Josh knows how I feel about it, but I have never forced him to not drink, mostly he just doesn't do it.

Anyway, I refuse to sit around worrying about Keith. If he wants to hate me, he can hate me. I know that I didn't cheat on Josh and I know that I've never told him what to do. And Josh knows this too. Okay, seriously rant has to end now because I'm putting way too much energy into Keith and his stupidity!

You know the term, "music to my ears?" I've decided that Josh's voice is like music to my ears. It must be all of the phone conversations. I have always appreciated his singing voice, but I never realized how nice his speaking voice is. I told him this yesterday when he called and he laughed at me and told me that I would think that about any man that I loved. Maybe he's right, but I still think he has one of the nicest voices.

Mrs. Anderson is in England now. I know it's ridiculous but I'm a little jealous. I know, she's his mom, but I wish I were the one visiting him. Anyway, she took the Salt Lake City sweatshirt I bought for him with her, and he was calling to thank me for it. He said it smells like me, I guess from being packed in my suitcase. He said he was wearing it and I couldn't help but be glad that he would be able to smell me all day.

As our conversation was wrapping up he said, "Nicole," in a soft, low voice that makes my heart do flip flops. He said, "I want you to know I'm going crazy missing you." I told him I felt the same way and glanced at the calendar to see how much longer I have to be without him. Ten more weeks to go. Somehow I will get through this.

I'm heading up to Manhattan tonight to hang with Jennifer. I was going to go last night but she found out at the last minute that she had to spend the day rehearsing for a small play she's doing, so we decided I'd go up tonight. She thinks this will help take my mind off of missing Josh, but I think being in New York will make me miss him more. We'll see.

Josh called me yesterday and told me that he's disappointed because he can only dance with people who are already good dancers. He said he wanted to show off his moves from the summer but he couldn't lead. I tried to explain that leading is probably one of the most difficult aspects of ballroom dancing for a new dancer. Plus we were doing choreographed dances so he didn't really learn to dance in the usual way. I promised that teaching him to lead would be on the top of my priority list for when he returns. He responded with, "Well, I don't think it should be on the top of your list. I think there are more important things for us to do first." Man, I wish he were home. Time is moving so s-l-o-w-l-y.

I can hear Aunt Lu right now: "Don't wish your life away."

Moving on...

The weekend was fun. Less drama than expected. Jason and Kelly were cozying up and Nat barely batted an eye at them. I think it has to do with one of the guys in our debate group for philosophy. He's caught her eye big time so I guess Jason is a thing of the past.

Still nothing with Lauren and Alex. He told me that he likes Lauren but it's not going to happen because she's still in high school and she's Josh's little sister and he doesn't want to mess up their friendship. He's seeing some girl in Connecticut. I'm so grateful that he didn't bring her along. I'm pretty sure it was to spare Lauren's feelings. I feel bad for them. If they like each other, they should be together.

I spent most of the weekend hanging out with Henry, Lindsay, Jen and her boyfriend, Sean. In the beginning I didn't like Sean because he broke up with his then-girlfriend to be with Jen (right around the time that Josh and I broke up), but the more I hang out with him, the more I like him. He is one of the funniest people I've ever met. No wonder Jen likes him so much. We spent the whole weekend smiling and laughing. I'm so happy for Jen. She's had a lot of heartache. She deserves a really great guy.

So now, I'm being gossipy, but I want this on the record. I see something between Lindsay and Henry. She's dating some guy at Penn State and they have never said that they like each other, but over the years I've noticed that they always gravitate towards each other when we're all in a group. I think that maybe someday there could be a love thing there.

This is the camping weekend. I am waiting for Alex to get here and then we're headed off to the camp grounds. My friends have already hit the road and are getting things ready.

It should be an interesting weekend. I will miss Josh but I think I'll have a fun weekend. At least I won't have to see Laura there this year.

Speaking of which, I asked Josh if he sees her a lot. I know he loves me and but it still pops up in my mind every once in a while that she is with him on another continent and she has proven that she will go to great lengths to win him over. When I asked Josh he said he doesn't see very much of her. Just in one class that they share. He said that she hasn't said much to him since the whole me pushing him in the pool incident. Maybe she's embarrassed about lying. She should be. I would be!

Well, I should get going. Alex will be here any minute.

This season of "Dancing With The Stars" has been amazing so far. I think I'm looking at it differently now that I've been in competition. I'm just really impressed with the choreography and the level of talent. I'm not sure that I have a favorite yet, but I love Julianne and I have a crush on Maks so for now I am rooting for those two couples.

And - oh, My God - Queen Latifah was awesome last night. I had no idea! I know she has been in musicals but I didn't know she sang those types of songs. I was blown away.

I think something is up with my father. He called again last night to say hi. So unlike him. He has plans for us to do things over Thanksgiving. I was shocked. I thought I would just go there and sit around while he works, but he wants to spend time with me. I'm not sure what to make of all of this.

This weekend if the camping trip. I have a feeling there is going to be drama. First with Lauren and Alex, and also with Kelly and Natalie. Nat's not Kelly's biggest fan, and Kelly has been hanging around Jason a lot lately. It wouldn't bother me so much if I didn't think that Nat and Lauren will pull me into their dramas.

Josh called last night. It was the middle of the night in England but he couldn't sleep. It was nice to talk to him for more than just a few minutes. We actually got to talk for awhile. I told him my fears about this weekend. He had no idea that there was a non-relationship relationship going on with Alex and Lauren. He didn't seem to care whether or not Alex wants to date Lauren. I think I'm going to pass that along to Alex. Maybe it will help.

Anyway, I have studying to do. That's all for now!

Tonight is the first night of my Fox Trot lessons. I'm excited to improve in my smooth dances. I usually gravitate towards the Latin dances so I'm glad JD asked me to work on a smooth dance with him. I bought new ballroom shoes today. They are strappy gold metallic. I love them!

Lauren has her sights set on Alex and she wants me to help her "get him." I don't know what to say. I know that Alex is into her but he won't date her because she's Josh's sister and he thinks she's too young. So do I encourage Lauren? I don't want her to have her heart broken. But what if Alex might change his mind? I should just stay out of it as much as possible. Lauren is determined to win him so I should just let her try, right?

Well, good news for me. Aunt Lu told my mother that she can stay at the house temporarily but that she has to get her own place if she's going to live in Pennsylvania. That means my room stays my room. No need to worry about losing my view. :)

I'm staying in Pennsylvania tonight. Lauren asked me if I wanted to go out with her tonight, and I figured it wouldn't hurt to stay in my room so that Aunt Lu has a visual reminder that it is my room. I am not giving up this room without a fight! It's my room!

Anyway, I went over to the Anderson's after work this morning to see Lauren. I talked to Mrs. Anderson for a while. She's flying over to England next week to see Josh. She said they are going to Paris while she's there. I am so jealous. It took every bit of self-control that I had not to beg her to take me with her. I just want to see Josh. I want to see those eyes of his...those eyes that no camera can do justice. Looking at a picture of him just isn't the same. I want to see him in person!

Okay, pity party over, but being at his house made me miss him more. Lauren was playing the piano when I got there and as I walked up to the door my heart actually fluttered because I'm so used to hearing Josh play. I have almost gotten through a month. I just has to remind myself that I'm 3/4 of the way there. Only 3 more months to go.

I have some things planned for the next few weekends to keep myself busy. Next weekend is our annual camping trip. Alex is driving down for it and Lindsay and Terry are driving out from State College. The weekend after that I'm going to stay with Jen in New York. Jen said that as much as she loves Sean, she needs some girl time so we're going to shop and go out to lunch. Girly stuff. :)

I just hope that I'm not completely missing Josh. The camping trip is usually his thing and being in New York without him will be weird. Ugh...3 months is feeling longer than it did 2 paragraphs ago.

I'm going to stop moping now. I am supposed to meet Henry at Starbucks to catch up with him this afternoon. I'm also going to work on convincing him to do the camping thing next weekend. Henry is very...5 star hotel...so we'll see if I persuade him to rough it!

I'm starting to feel better today. Yesterday was a stay at home and in bed kind of day. I just couldn't muster the energy to go out. I slept and watched daytime TV all day.

My mom called last night to tell me that she's selling her dance studio and the condo she moved into. She wants to move up here to be close to me and Aunt Lu. Then she asked if I'd mind if she took over my room at Aunt Lu's house. It's the second biggest room after Aunt Lu's and she thinks she's going to kick me out so that she can move in! I told her that I want to keep my room. We started arguing. I know that I only stay there a few months out of the year now, but I still want that room. It's my room. Besides, the view is the best view in the whole house and I'm not giving it up!

I have been so worked up over that conversation. I called Aunt Lu after I got off the phone with her and pleaded my case for how important that room is to me. I'm even going to stop there before I get to the dance studio tonight to reiterate that I want that room.

I sent Josh an email about it too. He replied with, "it's just a room." I can't believe he thinks it's just a room! I emailed him again and said, "I can't believe you said that." He responded later with, "It doesn't change anything between us and you don't even live there anymore. Is it worth fighting over?" I can't believe his blasé attitude! The side window in that room looks directly into his! I emailed him back and asked him if he wants to look out his window and see my mother. We'll see what he thinks about that!

Well, I should go. I have to get on the road so I can stop at Aunt Lu's house before going to work.

I woke up this morning feeling so sick. Tuesdays are my long day. Two morning classes, bio lab, and then ballet class. I couldn't stay in bed so I dragged myself out the door. I just got home a little while ago and now I'm catching up on "Dancing With The Stars." I figure that if I'm feeling sick tomorrow I'll just skip classes and stay in bed. Tomorrow would be an easier day for me to sit out.

JD asked me if I'll take a private dance lesson with him. We are both only at bronze level Fox Trot and since I always focus on the Latin dances, I think it would be good to move to the next level in the ballroom category. I have to drive to PA twice a week to help teach dance so he's agreed to drive to New Jersey to make things a little easier for me. We start out silver level classes next week.

I ran it past Josh last night so that there wouldn't be a repeat of things with Jordan last year. Josh told me that he was fine with it. He just told me not to have as much fun with JD as I had with him. I reminded him that JD would be more likely to have a romantic interest in him than me. He laughed and said, "I think JD should be your dance partners forever."

Well, I think I might run over to CVS and pick up some zinc and echinecea. Maybe I can ward off this cold before it starts.

Who was it... AT&T that said, "reach out and touch someone?" Well, I'm sorry, AT&T, but the telephone does not replace having the person you love here with you. The telephone doesn't put it's arms around me. The telephone doesn't have the most beautiful eyes that say so much more than words. The telephone isn't warm. The telephone may transmit tender loving words but there's no warm breath in my ears when I hear them.

I miss my boyfriend. I miss him so much. I miss his eyes, his arms and his smile. I'm only two weeks into these four months of torture and I can't take it. I just wish I didn't have to wait so long. I just wish there were a little relief insight.

Maybe it's the past week of no sleep. Maybe it's because my schedule got mixed up yesterday and Josh and I only got to talk for a few minutes. I just want to see him and be with him. I want to be in the same space with him and breath the same air he's breathing. My heart and my mind are thousands of miles away and I don't know what to do with myself.

I need more hobbies or something. I keep telling myself that I have to get out there and keep living. I just feel like I'm failing horribly at it. How do I un "pause" and start to "play" again? How do I get out of this funk?

I'm supposed to be out experiencing life...so why am I sitting home alone on a Friday night? Molly's out with the same guy from last weekend and Nat is at some play she had to see for her theater class.

I supposed to talk to Josh tomorrow and I'm not going to have anything interesting to tell him. I had a week of insomnia and a boring Friday night. I've got to do something to shake things up a bit.

I feel like I'm coming down after an amazing summer and I don't know what to do with myself. This past summer was so perfect in so many ways. I danced all summer and I danced with the guy that I love. What could be better? I just can't find anything that comes close.

I feel like my life is on hold right now. It's like I'm on "pause" and I don't get to "play" again until Josh returns. And I've promised myself that I wouldn't live that way. I just don't know what to do to get back into "play" mode.

I'm having another night of tossing and turning. I had a weird conversation with my father earlier. He called to say "hi." My father never calls to say hi. I just can't stop thinking about it. Something has changed. Maybe it's the divorce. Maybe he's realized what drinking has cost him. Maybe he doesn't want to lose me too. Whatever it is, he's been so much better to deal with. I almost like him.

Natalie and I are trying to figure out what to do with ourselves this weekend. It's going to be hard to top flying halfway across the country for a quick getaway. I wish we could do it again though. It was so nice to be away.

I keep dreaming about being in South Dakota. I see the Black Hills and Mt. Rushmore. That trip across country was a big thing for me, and South Dakota is where I realized I would be okay regardless of my relationship (or lack there of) with Josh. I think I'm dreaming about it as a reminder that I am going to be able to get to December without going crazy.

Now don't get me wrong. I am anxiously awaiting the Christmas music, the cold December air and the snow...anything that symbolizes the return of my love, but I don't want to spend these months pining and wasting my life away. I have to keep living and experiencing so that I'm not some boring and desperate girl for Josh to return to. He's across the ocean experiencing life and I need to do that too. I want to have stories to share when he gets back.

Now if I could only get some sleep so that I'd have enough energy to get out there and do things. I should try again. Tomorrow's Friday but it's still and early morning...

Have you ever been so tired that you can't sleep? That's how I feel right now. I think the weekend adventure may have been too much. I'm so exhausted. I got home from ballet class (tonight was the first night) and I went to bed but I just couldn't fall asleep. I tossed and turned.

I figured I'd use this time to blog since I haven't posted as much the past few days... but what to talk about? I'm sure everyone who reads this blog can figure out that I miss my boyfriend so I won't go into that tonight. How about Salt Lake City...

If you go there you have to swim in the lake. I don't care what people say. It was really cool. Just be aware that it's VERY salty and you'll have a salty, white residue left of you afterwards. It was kind of gross but there are showers there and it's kind of a once in a lifetime thing for people who don't live anywhere near Salt Lake City.

I like being out west. It reminded me of last May when I drove back to PA from Seattle. There is something about being out west that makes me feel free. It's so wide open and the possibilities seem endless. Plus, when I go out west I always feel like I've left my feelings behind. It's good to get away from your problems every once in a while.

Well, I think I'll try the sleep thing again. I have class early tomorrow.

I haven’t been a slacker blogger, I swear. I actually took an unexpected, spur of the moment trip with Natalie this past weekend to Salt Lake City, Utah. I was worried about my first weekend without Josh and she was just plain bored. Her mother sent her father’s company jet to pick us up and take us to Salt Lake City where her mother was spending a couple of weeks.

Nat’s family used to invite me places on the company jet all the time when we were growing up but I was never allowed to go because my mother didn’t like the idea of me flying in a small plane. I just neglected to tell my mom about this trip…which caused some problems, but more on that later.

We left for Salt Lake City Friday afternoon and arrived there at dinner time their time. Nat’s mom picked us up and took us to dinner in the city. The next day I convinced them to drive me to Ogden because I love “Everwood” and that’s where it was filmed. I was such a dork. I kept asking people in the town about the TV show.

After that Nat’s mom took us to Antelope Island so we could see the Great Salt Lake. It was really cool. I went swimming. Nat and her mother thought I was crazy, but who knows when I’ll ever get back to Salt Lake City! I had to seize the moment.

While I was off having my adventure I didn’t realize that my mom was trying to get a hold of me. In my mad rush to get to the plane I left my cell phone in New Jersey. Oops…

Mom and Josh were calling all weekend and I didn’t know it. Molly called me Sunday morning and told me that my mom had called the house looking for me and wasn’t real happy that I was in Utah. I heard about that all Sunday night when I finally talked to her.

I didn’t get to call Josh until today because of the time difference. He said he had been worried about me but he liked hearing about my adventure out west.

There really is nothing like a change of scenery to get your mind off your troubles. It was so much fun being adventurous and not sitting around missing Josh or trying to figure out what to do with myself. I’ve always felt bad about Natalie’s family paying for me to go on trips with them, but this weekend I was just grateful for the opportunity to have fun.

(So if you’re reading this Nat, THANK YOU!!!!)

Last December the girls took me to see a psychic. I wrote all about it.

I was just reading over it and I was shocked at how on target she was! She said that someone I love would leave the country for a while!!! She also said that geography would play a role in keeping me from my soul mate. How accurate is that? Weird.

I'm tired again today. I had another night of restless sleep. I do okay with the missing Josh stuff during the day but at night it kills me. I just lye there thinking about him. I know it could be worse. I could be completely without him. We could be broken up. Or he could be someplace dangerous. I'm just afraid that I'm going to be on edge until the day his plane lands in Newark and he's home again.

I admit that I've checked out flights to London for Thanksgiving. I found a few for less than $500. Not bad but I know I can't go. It's a long flight for just a few days and I've already committed to going to Florida for Thanksgiving. I guess I'll just have to figure out a way to get to December without completely losing it!