I want the holiday break to get here NOW! I have no patience at all. I'm ready for a break and I'm ready for Josh to be home for more than two days. It's going to be so nice to have him around. We have plans for next week to do things during the week. We never get to do things during the week. It will be so nice...

So Lindsay is home and we ran into Henry the other day. They really hit it off. I saw them together and I just couldn't help but think how great they would be together. I don't know why I never thought of it before. Not that it matters. Lindsay just has no interest in dating. I don't know if she thinks it's out of respect for James or if she doesn't want to get emotionally attached to someone after losing James. I just wish she'd give herself permission to be happy again.

So this guy, Derek keeps bothering me. All of a sudden he's everywhere I am. He's always around. And he's friends with Nick so that makes it worse. After my "marriage" to Nick I feel really uncomfortable around him. I just want to know why he's always around. It's so weird!

I've got holiday fever so bad! I want the holiday break to start but we still have a week left. I'm going to go crazy! I can't focus. All I want to do is loaf around, eat cookies and watch Christmas movies. I have to get myself together so that I can get all my work done before the break starts.

This weekend should be fun. Lindsay is headed home. We're going out tomorrow night. I can't wait to spend some time with her.

Josh is coming home late in the day on Saturday. We're going to Kim's Christmas party and then he heads back to NY early on Sunday. He has a lot of studying to do for finals so he wants to be up there so he can focus.

I think I'm driving Aunt Lu nuts. I've decided that "Marshmallow World" but Dean Martin is the best Christmas song ever and I've been playing it over and over, non-stop. I know she likes Dean Martin but I think it's starting to get on her nerves. But it's such a fun song!!!!! "It's a marshmallow world in the winter..."

I don't know why but saying good-bye to Josh today was as hard as it was last weekend. I don't know what's going on with me. For some reason I've been having a hard time saying good-bye on Sundays. His response was "I must be pretty lucky to have someone in my life that makes saying good-bye so hard." I'm glad he's flattered but I still hate saying good-bye to him.

I think it's just that we had such a great weekend. Yesterday we spent the day shopping together. We just had so much fun. We sang along to Christmas Carols as we drove to the mall. We went out to lunch. I don't know, there's just something about doing things with him. It doesn't matter what it is as long as we're together.

I just wish that we didn't have to spend the week apart. :(

Today was a snow day - LOVE IT! I have to say this is a major perk of living in Pennsylvania. :-)

Molly and I spent the whole day on the couch in her family room watching TV. It was so nice to veg out and catch up. We've both been so busy lately that we haven't had time to just hang out. We're double dating tonight so I'll get to spend some more time with her. I'm a little worried about her. I know she's crazy about Tim but I think she's still upset about Alex. Especially since he's been getting close with Alicia. I'm hoping to observe her with Tim tonight so I can get an idea of how things are going and whether I should be concerned.

Tomorrow night is the church party. It should be fun. I really like all of the people at the church and the Andersons will be there and we all know how I feel about spending time with one Anderson in particular. ;)

Looks like we're going to have a snow day tomorrow! I have to admit that it is a perk of living in the north. There were no snow days in Florida. I can't wait to wake up tomorrow morning and hear that school is closed! :-) The best part is that the snow should be over by the afternoon which means Josh won't have any problems getting home.

I just got off the phone with him. I mentioned that my mom wants me to go to Florida for the New Year. He asked if I was going to go so I told him that Aunt Lu is going to be away and I don't think she'll let me stay here by myself. He said he would talk to his mom about me staying with them. Then he said, "I really want to spend New Years Eve with you." I don't know why I was so worried. Even after all of these months I'm still such a dork sometimes. He keeps showing me how much he loves me and for some reason I never really get it. I do but I don't. I guess it sounds weird.

Before I talked to Josh I was on the phone with Jen. She called because she's worried about Lindsay. She thinks Lindsay should be out there dating again. I can see her point. I want Lindsay to be happy but I also know she had to be ready to make that move. I told Jen that we shouldn't push her. I don't really know if that's the best advice, but I need to think about it some more.

Well, I'm going to hit the sheets and wake up to a Winter Wonderland. Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow...

Ugh... my mom wants me to go down to Florida the day after Christmas and stay there until New Years. She's laying the guilt on really thick too. :(

I want to stay here but Aunt Lu is going to be visiting her sister that weekend so it seems like my choices are Florida or upstate Pennsylvania. Neither appeals to me. I want to spend New Years Eve with Josh. They say the person you kiss at midnight is the person you spend the rest of the year with...

But none of that matters because he hasn't even mentioned New Years Eve. I don't know if he plans to spend it with me or do something else. Last year he was skiing with Keith that week, and his friends were talking about doing the Time Square thing when I was in NY over the weekend. For all I know he's doing something with one of his friends. I know I should just ask him, but I feel weird about it for some reason. I keep singing that song "What Are You Doing New Years Eve?" in my head.

I hate holidays like this. They put so much pressure on people to have something cool to do. Not to mention that people come up with their stupid resolutions that they have completely forgotten about by February. I'm like the Grinch of New Years...

But I have to say that if I go to Florida, I know I'll have parties to go to because Natalie always has a big New Years Eve bash at her house. What to do... what to do... I really should just talk to Josh.

My weekend in New York was perfect. I am even more sure now that I want to go to school there. Lauren and I hung out with Josh and Jen. They took us to the dining hall so we could get a feel for dorm life. We got the official tour of the campus but then Jen and Josh showed us around from their perspective.

On Saturday we out and did some shopping. Terry ended up driving into the city to visit us which made Jen very happy. We all went to see the Christmas tree that night. It was amazing. I had never seen in person before. It was amazing. I've always dreamed about seeing the Rockefeller Christmas tree.

It was cool seeing where Josh spends his week and getting a glimpse at what his life is like Monday through Friday. I felt a lot closer to him after the weekend. I don't know why but I was really emotional when he took us to the train station. I didn't want to come home, and I was crying about how I didn't want to leave him. I hope he doesn't think I'm a basket case. He was sweet about it but I'm still kind of embarrassed. Poor Lauren had to get on the train with me while I calmed myself down.

That's all for now. Lots of school work to do.

I'm going to New York tomorrow! Yippie! :)

I'm so excited about going but I think Molly's upset that she's not going. It just sort of happened. Josh has been telling me that he wants me to visit him in New York, but I was afraid that Aunt Lu and my mom wouldn't go for it. Then on Thanksgiving Mr. and Mrs. Anderson told me that if I need any help visiting colleges they'd be happy to take me. Josh kind of set it up so that his dad would show me around Columbia and NYU so that I could also stay up there. Lauren just managed to get in on the action. We weren't trying to include or not include anyone. I've explained it all to Molly but she was kind of annoyed about it.

I'm going to have a good time anyway. I can't wait to see where Josh spends his week. It will be so to get a peek at his day to day life. I feel like we're so close but the fact that I don't know what his life is like during the week keeps us from really being close.

Well, I should get back to packing. More to come after the weekend!

I'm so excited! Lauren and I are going to New York City this weekend! I was hoping to go myself but I want to ease Aunt Lu and my mom into the idea of me going up. We're going to play hookie from school on Friday so that I can tour Columbia and NYU. Mr. Anderson is going to go with us so we won't be by ourselves. After that we're going to stay up for the rest of the weekend. I'm staying with Jen but it's still up in the air whether Lauren is staying with us or with Josh. Jen's roommate is going out of town so Jen has plenty of room.

I just can't wait to go up there. And Josh is really excited that I'm going to him for once. I would love to go up more often but like I said, I have to ease Aunt Lu and my mom into it. Maybe next semester they'll let me go up by myself. For now, I'm just happy that I'm going. This will be my first time seeing the Rockefeller Christmas Tree in person! I can't wait!!!!!!!!!!!! Yippie!!!!!!!!!!!! :)

My ballroom dance class for kids is a go!!!!!!! I'm so excited. It's going to be a small class but I'm really excited about it. I love working with kids and I love dancing - and I'm going to get paid for it! What could be better than that?

I asked Alex about him and Alicia and he said, "we're close." Close to what? I guess I shouldn't complain. He's making progress and it did take Josh and I a year to get together. I just want to see him with someone that is a good match, and I see how much she likes him every time I mention his name. It's like her face lights up.

I told Lindsay that she needs a man. I understand that she needed time to deal with what happened with James, and I understand that it's been a long process but she will eventually have to get out there again. I don't want to see her spend her college days alone and lonely because she's still mourning James. It's an odd situation that someone our age really should have to be in. I want to encourage her to move on, but I also want to respect that he needs to deal with his death on her time table - not mine. I just want her to be happy again.

Not much else to report from the weekend. Kelly and Jason still going strong. Jen and Terry seemed happy, as did Molly and Tim. And of course I've got my sweetie so that adds to my happiness. I'm also trying to live by the wisdom of future Nicole. It's working well for me so far.

Oh, and Josh got his glasses. He only needs them for driving and seeing far distances, but he looks so adorable when he wears them. My heart soars just thinking about it.

My week off is over. Tomorrow it's back to school. I love school but it was nice to be off...to go shopping with Molly, hang out with Lindsay, spend time with Josh and enjoy good food with the family. The rest of the weekend was good. Friday night was Kelly's party. It was fun but we didn't stay too long. Josh wasn't feeling that great and I didn't really care that much about being there.

Yesterday I worked at the dance studio and then helped Josh do some Christmas shopping. Last night we went to another party. It was at Kim's house. Alex brought Alicia with him. She is so obviously crazy about him. I hope things happen with those two. They'd be such a cute couple!

Today I went to church with Aunt Lu and then out to brunch with Lindsay and the family before she headed back up to Penn State. Now I have to get myself back into school mode.

Nick and Jessica split! I'm so disappointed. I guess it's the romantic in me. I used to love Jessica but I lost a lot of respect for her. And this is the last straw. I really thought they could make it.

This week has been fun. It was nice having time off from school. Josh came home Tuesday night and we spent all day Wednesday hanging out together.

Yesterday was fun but kind of weird. I didn't realize how much I would miss my mom. I thought I'd be happy to have a holiday without fighting - and I was - but it was kind of strange for me. I'm not used to it. Aunt Lu and I spent the day at Aunt Linda and Uncle Bill's house. Aunt Linda's family was there too. The guys were all watching football so Lindsay and I sat and watched chic flicks on DVD all afternoon in her room.

After dinner I went to the Anderson's house for dessert. They had the best pumpkin cheesecake. It also cheered me up a bit to see Josh. He could tell I was missing my mom. He thinks I should go to Florida for Christmas. He thinks I'm missing my mom because I wanted to be here with him. I tried to tell him that I was here for Aunt Lu and my sanity. Obviously I wanted to spend time with him too, but my world doesn't completely revolve around him.

Today I went shopping with Lindsay and Jen. It was so crowded though. I could barely enjoy it and I didn't buy much. Tonight I'm going to a party at Kelly's house. It should be fun.

It's Friday! Yippie! :) And my honey is already in town. He needed to go to the eye doctor this afternoon so he got home earlier than usual. We're going out to dinner with Molly, Tim, Jason and Kelly tonight. It should be fun. Tomorrow is work and then the homecoming parade followed by the game. Should shape up to be a pretty good weekend.

My horoscope for today says "It may be cold outside, but wherever you are will be nice and warm -- steamy, even -- if you count the smiles and glances you're exchanging. You're due for some good, old-fashioned emotional fireworks. Romance: how nice!"

I'll have to schedule some time alone with Josh after dinner. I've had a fun week but I can't wait to see him! :)

It's almost Friday! I'm saying that because it's been a hectic week - not because I'm living for the weekend. Tonight should be fun though - Powder Puff Football! Not that I'm all that interested in football, but I'm happy to get out and socialize.

Speaking of football, it seems that everyone is talking about it non-stop these days. Geesh, don't people think of anything else? Maybe because I live around Eagles fans and everyone has something to say about T.O. And then there's the homecoming game on Saturday so everyone's talking about that too. I wish I got it but I don't. What's the big deal with football anyway? I understand having a hobby, I just think it's weird that so many people have the same hobby - watching football. And is watching something really a hobby? Shouldn't you be participating in it? Oh well, I don't hate football or anything, I just don't get it.

Okay, this post has been really random. I should get back to homework so I can go out guilt-free tonight.

I'd like to say I'm as wise as the Future Nicole, but I can't take credit for all of the life lessons she wrote about. Most of them came from Aunt Lu. She says these wise things to me all the time and I usually roll my eyes at her, only to find out later that she was right all along. She just has this light around her. So much positive energy and love radiates from her. I hope to be like her someday. I want to be able to see the good in people and show them so much kindness.

Josh, too, taught me some of the lessons. The one about things happening in their own time. Those were his words exactly. At the dance last week I was telling him that I wanted to set Alex and Alicia up and he told me I should let things unfold naturally. I wasn't hearing him. I kept saying that if someone had given us a push we would have been together sooner. He disagreed and said that things happened the way they were supposed to and if they had happened too soon it might not have worked out.

The other thing he taught me was that I don't have to prove myself. Shortly after we became friends we had a conversation and I told him how hard it was starting over and that I had to prove myself. He asked what things were like in Florida, and I told him all about my friends and how I felt like I was a success there. I'll never forget it. He said, "Then you've already proven yourself to be a success. All you have to do is recreate it." It just made so much sense to me and took a lot of the pressure off.

The one about being where you are because of the choices you made came from Dr. Phil. I read a lot of self-help books when I first moved here. I guess I needed a lot of help. That one always stuck with me.

The rest are things I've learned from Aunt Lu. She always says that if it doesn't make sense to just hold on to it because some day it will. She says that the student has to be ready to learn the lesson.

Our senior seminar project for this week is to imagine ourselves at 80 years old and to write a letter to ourselves at our current age. It's one of the coolest assignments I've ever done. It really makes you take a look at yourself and put things into perspective. Who knew Future Nicole would be so wise?

Dear Nicole,

Wisdom, experience and hindsight have given me the perspective I need to give you some advice on life. I know you think you know it all. I was you once, but trust me, there's a lot you don't know, and you have to learn that you have to learn.

I am about to give you some life lessons, but unless you are ready to accept them, they will mean nothing to you. That's okay. Hold on to this letter. Someday it will make sense.

1) Anything worth having is worth working hard for. Things don't always come easy, you have to persevere. Don't give up. If you really want it, you have to work for it. It will all pay off in the long run.

2) People aren't always going to behave well, but that doesn't mean you shouldn’t. Treat others with kindness, be honest and loving and refuse to get pulled into negativity.

3) You cannot control the actions of others. You can only control yourself and your response to them. Don't let their decisions upset you. Respond to them in ways that would make you proud. And if you don't, learn from your mistakes. They only make you a stronger, better person in the long run.

4) You are the only person who can make yourself happy. You can’t depend on others for your happiness. That comes from you and the way you chose to see the world. You have a long life ahead of you, Nicole, the way you chose to respond to the good and bad things will determine how happy you will be. Try to see the positive.

5) There is always good with the bad. Just when you think things will never get better, something good will come along. You learned this when you moved to Pennsylvania. You felt alone and then someone reached out to you and you found more happiness than you had before. Don’t forget this.

6) You don’t have to prove yourself as worthy. You’ve already done that. You just have to recreate it.

7) Everything happens in its own time. I understand impatience. We want what we want when we want it, but you have to learn to sit back and relax. Things happen when they’re supposed to and if you rush, you might miss out on something really good.

8) Don’t be a victim. You are where you are because of the choices you’ve made. You are responsible for your own life. When you let yourself become a victim you give your power away.

9) Don’t judge yourself too harshly. You are doing the best you can. You will make mistakes in life. It’s part of being human. The key is to learn from your mistakes.

10) Listen to you gut. We all have instincts. We have to learn to listen to them and act on them. Trust in yourself to make good decisions.

Now, on a more personal note, there are a few other things I’d like to say to you.

Don’t be so hard on your mother and father. I know you have a hard time seeing the good in your father, but he’s only human and he’s struggling. He’s a sad soul. He’s missing out on giving and receiving love from his wife and child. He needs a substance to quiet the pain. It’s easy to hate him, but you’ll be a better person if you learn to show empathy. Empathizing doesn’t have to mean enabling.

And your mother loves you. She means well, but she’s not strong. She doesn’t know how to stand up for herself and walk away. She’s doing the best she can with what she has. Forgive her.

Listen to your Aunt Lu. She’s a wise woman and you’ve heard all of these lessons from her already. She’s more than your refuge, she’s your teacher. You just have to be ready to accept the lessons.

Josh has been a tower of strength for you but you need to learn to stand on your own. Borrowing his strength will only make you weaker. It’s time for you to see the strength in yourself. He wants you to be happy, but he can’t be the source of that happiness. That’s too much pressure to put on someone…he is only human. Be confident that you make your own happiness. Let him be part of that without being the source of it.

There are many ups and down ahead, but with faith and trust, you will prevail. Just remember the life lessons and remember that no matter where you are or what you do, you will be loved.

With much love,

Future Nicole

Sunday - after the paint fiasco - I walked Josh out to his car as he was leaving for New York. We were saying good bye and I made a comment about it being the saddest part of the week. He agreed that Sundays are hard but he said he doesn't want me to live only for two days of the week.

I looked back over my blogging since he left for school in September and I realized that all I write about is the weekends. It's like everything between Sunday and Friday doesn't matter unless it involves me wishing it were Friday. That's no way to live - especially when it's my senior year and there are all sorts of fun things going on. That's why I'm making an effort to enjoy each day and not spend them wishing it were the weekend. I don't want to sell myself short or center my life around time spent with Josh. I love him, but I have to have a life of my own, or he's going to get bored with me for being so pathetic.

Thursday night is the Powder Puff football game. Kim and Lauren are both on the team so Molly and I are going to go and cheer them on. Molly was going to play but since she's homecoming queen she doesn't want to take a chance on getting hurt before the big game on Saturday.

Tonight we're working on the choir float for the parade. I'm psyched to help build it - even if I don't get to ride on it. I'll be on the homecoming court float.

And in between all of this stuff I have to work at the dance studio, go to choir practice and do homework! I really shouldn't dismiss week day activities! There's so much going on!

If holidays are supposed to bring out the best in people, why do I always feel like they bring out the worst? As a kid, I remember my dad drinking too much and my mom and grandmother getting mad at him. There was always drama. So this year I made a choice: I'm staying in Pennsylvania for the holidays - all the holidays - Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years in the safety and comfort of Aunt Lu's house. I would just once like to experience a holiday without chaos, and since my parents won't be coming up here I thought that's what I'd get. But last night my mother called and gave me grief about not going to Florida for either Thanksgiving or Christmas.

She misses me. I get it. I miss her, but she has chosen to stay with a man who is a drunk and emotionally abusive simply because of the financial security he provides. I know it's hard to walk away but this summer I thought she was finally going to do it. She talked about doing it but she hasn't.

She thinks I'm staying here because of Josh, but that's not the case. I'm staying here because Aunt Lu gives me normalcy and I need that. I want that. I want to spend the whole day without fights and arguments. I want to sit on the couch Thanksgiving morning and watch the Macy's Parade without screaming in the background. I want to watch Brett open presents Christmas morning and see the excitement from a child's eyes. I want all of the good stuff that the holidays are supposed to bring. There's simply no contest between a Pennsylvania holiday and a Florida holiday. I've been there and done that and Florida holidays are always a disaster. I just wish I could make my mom understand.

So this afternoon started with a bang - the bang of a paint can falling on the floor of Molly's living room and breaking open and splattering paint everywhere. Molly got it into her head to paint her room so of coarse I got roped into helping her. Josh drove us over to Home Depot before heading back to NY. We picked up paint and the three of us where carrying the paint into the house, when Molly dropped a can. I heard it drop but I wasn't looking and I didn't think there was anyway the lid would come off the paint but I saw the look on Josh's face and I knew. I turned around and there was paint everywhere. We were on our hands and knees cleaning it up all day. Thank goodness it was waterbased! We were so tired from cleaning that the painting idea was put on the backburner...

Last night I really realized how lucky I am to have such a great boyfriend. I was really nervous about the homecoming court. I knew I wasn't going to win the crown (Molly did though - very happy for her!), and I was afraid Josh would be disappointed in me. I know it's stupid, he's told me a million times that he could care less about me being homecoming queen, but still... So we're at the dance and Josh tells me that he wants to introduce me to a guy who graduated his year. The guy's name is Jake and as we're talking he tells me he's a ballroom dancer! He lives in New York and works for a dance studio there. Anyway, he asks me to dance and damn, was he good! It was fun dancing with a great dancer and we got to show off. I could tell by the smile on Josh's face that he planned it that way so that I could get my fifteen minutes of fame, despite losing the crown.

The rest of the night was really great. You know me, I love any opportunity I can get to dance and get dressed up. And I love to see the guys all dressed up. Josh always looks good but when he's got a suit on it's really sexy. Alex looked really cute too. He was Lindsay's escort - she was there b/c she won the crown last year and had to present it to Molly. I saw him talking to Alicia. She was working the ticket table so she was there alone. She looked really happy to be getting some of Alex's attention.

I just have a feeling about them. I think they're going to end up together - or maybe it's the romantic in me. She just reminds me of me in a lot of ways, and he reminds me of Josh. Molly and Alex never seemed like the perfect fit, but I can see him with Alicia. Now that Molly and Tim seem to be the real deal, I don't feel bad hoping for an Alex/Alicia pairing.

Well, I have a ton of stuff to do today so that's all for now. More later!

Love,
Me

It's been a crazy week. Last Friday I found out that both Molly and I were nominated for the Homecoming Court. Most girls would love this but not me. I just feel a lot of pressure with the whole thing. I don't want to feel like I'm competing with my best friend for starters; and secondly, Josh has escorted the winning girl every year since he was a junior in high school. That puts a lot of pressure on me. I don't want to be the first loser. :(

He thinks I'm being ridiculous. He said he could care less if I'm Homecoming Queen but I don't want him to think of me as a loser. We kept discussing this last weekend at the cabin and I think he was ready to scream. He wants to be supportive but I know I was driving him crazy.

Tonight I'm hanging out with Molly and Kim. We're having a girl's night. Tomorrow I'm going to craft shows with Aunt Lu and then tomorrow night is the dance. Josh isn't coming home until tomorrow. He was asked to fill in for the keyboard player of some band tonight. It's extra money so he wanted to do it.

That's all for now. Dreading tomorrow night. Pray that I'm not too embarrassed by the whole homecoming court thing!

I'm ready for the weekend. We had a change in plans because we thought it was going to rain all weekend.
Instead of going camping, we're going to Kelly's aunt's cabin in the Poconos. It seems that it's not going to rain, but I think things worked out for the best. It's going to be really cold at night and this Florida girl tries to avoid those temperatures at all costs!

I found out why Josh didn't include Amy on the email. It's because she's not coming. She's not coming because she told him she has feelings for him and tried to kiss him. He said he didn't want to be harsh on her but he doesn't feel comfortable being around her anymore. He said he's not going to hang out with someone who doesn't respect our relationship. It's cool that he's so committed to us - and trust me, I'm ready to kick her ass - but I kind of feel bad for her. Not only was she rejected as a potential girlfriend, but she was also rejected as a friend.

It's going to be a long night. Choir practice, choir practice and more choir practice... Don't get me wrong, I love it, but I'm kind of tired and would love to curl up on the couch tonight. At least "7th Heaven" is a rerun tonight so I won't miss anything...not that I care that much anyway. The show has become pretty lame. I used to love it but now it annoys me. I thought it was supposed to be about good family values but the kids are all messed up. I'm not really sure what kind of message they're supposed to be sending. But what do I know? Before Aunt Lu I lived in the most dysfunctional family in Florida!

So I just checked my email and there's a message from Josh to "the gang" about the camping trip we're taking this weekend. The recipient list included me, Mol, Tim, Alex, Jen, Terry, Lindsay, Kim, Lauren, Christine, Kelly, Jason, and Keith. That's all normal, but over the weekend Amy and her friend were talking about coming with us so I wonder why they're not on the list. Molly thinks I'm looking for things that aren't there, but I just have a gut feeling that Josh left them off the list for a reason. Hmmm...

Molly went head to head with the Vice Principal again today about Christmas. It was like a repeat of last year. She wants to decorate the Student Council office for Christmas and he says no. She's now on a mission to tick him off at all costs - without getting herself in trouble of course. I don't want her to get in trouble, but I kind of want her to fight this fight. We're not stopping others from decorating for their holiday, we just want to make things festive for ours. For Christ's sake (no pun intended!) it's not like we want to hang crosses around school and read scripture. We were just thinking some holly! If things keep going like this we'll be canceling the holiday choir concert! Who knows what we'll be able to sing. I just don't understand why people have to ruin other people's fun.

Well, I'm due back in choir practice so I have to run...

It's been a fun weekend. Friday night we managed to get our haunted hayride in despite the off and on rain. I had to fill in at a class at the dance studio Friday afternoon so I went straight to Alex's house from there. We were meeting there for the hayride. I got to see Lindsay! I didn't realize how much I've missed her until I saw her. Molly, Tim, Terry and Jennifer were there as well. Josh brought Keith down with his friends Amy and Tanya. I was kind of surprised to see Amy since I had once thought she was after Josh.

The hayride was fun. I tried not to let it urk me that Amy was there. Josh wasn't paying much attention to her so that helped but I didn't like the idea that they were all staying at the Anderson's house.

Yesterday I had to work at the dance studio again. I was there all morning and then I spent the afternoon doing homework. Later in the day I stopped over at the Anderson's. When I got there Amy was like, "we were just talking about you." I kind of gave Josh a look and he told me they were talking about what schools I was sending applications to. It kind of opened a can of worms. I want to stay within driving distance to Aunt Lu but my mom made me apply to some schools in Florida. I hadn't mentioned it to Josh because I'm not planning to go to school in Florida but when I told him yesterday he looked upset. Never mind the fact that I also applied to a handful of schools in PA, NJ, CT and NY. He just zeros in on the Florida schools, and somehow I couldn't help but think that that is what Amy wanted.

We went to Alex's Halloween Party last night. Josh pulled me aside to talk about the school thing. He said that he didn't want to hold me back if I wanted to move back to Florida, but I could tell that the idea of it upset him. I told him that I only applied to those schools to appease my mom. My first choice is to go to school in New York. I've always dreamed of living there and the fact that he's there is even better. I don't know that I'll be at NYU but I'd love to be in the city. I could take the train home to see Aunt Lu any time and he'd be there too.

The party was fun. We played games, watched scary movies. It was a good time. It was nice having my cousin home and spending some time with her. Also, Alicia from choir showed up with Lauren! Alex had invited her. I could tell she was happy to be there but she also looked really nervous. I was trying to talk to her to keep her calm but she clearly still likes Alex.

This morning I went to the early church service with Aunt Lu, Aunt Linda and Lindsay. Mr. and Mrs. Anderson were there but no Josh or Lauren. I kind of expected that they wouldn't be there today - especially with Josh's friends in town. Molly and I met up with them for lunch and then they headed back to NY and we headed to Macy's for some shopping. Neither of us bought our homecoming dressed but I got a pair of jeans and Molly got a cute sweater. I guess we'll have to hit the mall again to get dresses.

Well, homework time now...

I am so excited for this weekend. The whole gang is going to be here! Lindsay, Terry, Jennifer, Kelly, Jason...my sweetie! :) Josh is bringing Keith and a few friends down for the weekend too. And we're finally dragging Tom out with us. He joined a band over the summer so we haven't gotten to hang out with him in a long time!

This week has been agonizing...For some reason I've been missing Josh more than usual. We've been sending each other quick emails but we've both been on the run so we haven't had a chance to talk on the phone at all. The restaurant that he plays piano at on Wednesday nights has needed him to fill in all week so he doesn't get home until late. Tonight I'll be at the Student Council meeting so I'm not sure if we'll get to talk tonight either. Oh well. I'll see him tomorrow.

I walked into choir this afternoon and Alex was sitting in my seat chatting it up with Alicia. I wonder if he's caught on that she likes him. It's so obvious to me, but I don't think it's always as obvious to the person who is being liked. Does that make sense?

I'm totally itching for Christmas to get here. I'm not sure why. I just want to listen to my Christmas music. I loaded all of Aunt Lu and Uncle Bill's Christmas music onto my iPod last night. I asked Aunt Lu if we could put up the Christmas tree and she just gave me this crazy look. I decided not to push it. She told me to focus on Halloween first. I guess she's right but if Macy's can put up Christmas decorations, why can't I?

Speaking of Macy's...Molly and I are going to head over there Sunday afternoon. We need dresses for the Homecoming Dance. I'm really looking forward to this dance. We find out who's been nominated for the Homecoming Court tomorrow, and I have a feeling that Molly's going to get the crown! Plus I like any excuse I can get to get on the dance floor - especially when my dance partner is Josh Anderson.

I decided to hang out in the library during lunch today. Molly had to go to the dentist because a filling fell out and Alex is helping out in the choir room. I figured I'd stop in and update the blog since it's been a week.

Things are going well. There's a lot of interest in my ballroom dance class for kids! I'm so excited. We're planning to start holding classes in January provided that we get enough boys who are interested. So far a lot of the interest is from little girls.

My weekend was nice. On Friday I went out to dinner with Aunt Lu and then over to the Anderson's to watch movies with Josh. On Saturday Mrs. Anderson asked Josh and I to go out and buy some Halloween decorations for her house. We spent almost the whole day doing that but it was fun. I never really had fall like this when I lived in Florida so I always get excited about doing seasonal things. And it was particularly nice to be outside since it had rained for the previous ten day!

After running around all day we relaxed on the hammock and then went out to dinner. It was a pretty low key weekend but it was nice. Josh and I have been so busy hanging out with our friends that we hadn't had a lot of alone time until this weekend.

Now I'm getting ready for the upcoming weekend. I'm planning a haunted hayride for our friends. Lindsay and Terry are driving home from Penn State this weekend which means Jennifer will probably come down from New York. It will be fun to have everyone together!

Well, Tim asked Molly out! She was so happy today. They are going out Friday night, which means that Josh and I will actually get a Friday night to ourselves this week. It seems that every Friday night we end up hanging out with the gang, which is great - I love my friends - but Friday nights are hard because I've been missing him all week and I want alone time.

This past weekend we didn't get much time together. Friday night we went to Molly's house. It was pouring out so we all hung out inside and watched movies. On Saturday Josh went back into the city for a party and Molly, Jennifer and I had a girl's night. We went to see "Just Like Heaven." It was so good. Total chick flick though. I'm sure Josh is glad I saw it with the girls. He came back to PA on Sunday and stayed until Monday. He and Jen had off for Columbus Day - Lucky! But we have off on Thursday so I guess it evens out.

Things are busy at school. Our newest project for senior seminar is to propose a business idea. I was telling Mona (my boss from the dance studio) about an idea I had as a ballroom dancing class for kids. I decided not to propose it for my class, but Mona asked if I would like to put a class together at the studio! She said she'd cut me in on some of the profits from the class in addition to my regular pay! Awesome. I'm so excited about it. She and I are going to talk more tomorrow when I go in for work.

I know it's been awhile. I had an unexpected trip out of town and away from the computer. Last Thursday my grandfather had a heart attack. My dad thought I should fly down to Tennessee to see him in case he didn't make it so I flew down Friday after school and stayed until Tuesday afternoon. It turns out that if my grandfather changes his diet and exercises he should be okay. It was nice to see my family, but the circumstances were nerve-wracking.

Anyway, I'm home and looking forward to a fun weekend. I missed seeing Josh last weekend so I'm counting down the hours until tomorrow night. I think we're going over to Molly's house for an impromptu party. She's trying to hang out with Tim so she's coming up with excuses to see him. I hope the boy just asks her out. He seems to like her.

Well, that's all for now. More later... NB

The weekend is almost here…I feel like I live for the weekend. It’s not that my week is so bad, it’s just that my weekends are so good. That little moment where Josh and I are alone together for the first time after days is just so good. It makes it all worthwhile.

Tomorrow night we’re going to the football game. Molly has convinced Tim to come hang out with us. Their wedding may be over but I think the relationship lives on. Nothing has happened between them yet, but I can tell that Tim has a thing for her, and she definitely has a thing for him. I think it bothers Alex, but I told him that he has no right to be jealous. He led her on all summer and then dumped her when he got back. He should have been smarter if he wanted to hold on to her.

Speaking of Alex, there’s this girl who’s a sophomore that had a huge crush on him last year. Her name is Alicia, and Alex knew she liked him last year and was always nice to her, but didn’t pay much attention to her because he was in love with Molly. But now that Molly is looking elsewhere, I wonder if I could get Alex to give Alicia a chance… She sits next to me in choir and she lights up every time Alex walks over to talk to me. She’s even chimed in on our conversation a few times. Would it be wrong for me to invite her to hang out with us…in hopes of making a love connection with Alex?

Well that’s all for now. I have a student council meeting tonight. Molly’s the president so she’s insisted that I join the club.

The weekend is over and I begin my countdown to Friday once again. It was a good weekend. Friday night was the pep rally. There was a big bon fire at school. Josh and Jennifer met up with us there. Jen and Alex went off to do their own thing and Josh and I walked around and talked to people. Ms. Matthews was there and Josh wanted to say hello to her since he had her as a teacher. We were talking to her when Nick came over and started yelling at me. “How could you come here with another man?” “How could you cheat on me?” “How could you humiliate me in public?” Frankly, I was glad he flipped out in front of Ms. Matthews so that she could see I wasn’t making it up. She looked truly stunned. So did Josh. (Today Ms. Matthews had a talk with Nick about this being a pretend marriage. I guess he still didn’t get it so she ended the assignment for us. We’re both writing separate papers. Thank God!)

Saturday I spent the day working. That night was date night for Josh and me. We went out to dinner in town and then went to see “Red Eye.” It was good. I like Rachel McAdam. After that we got ice cream and walked around town for a little while. I love when I have him to myself.

Yesterday I went to church with Aunt Lu and then out to brunch with Molly, Lauren, Josh and Jennifer. Poor Jen. Her roommate sounds like such a nightmare. She seems lonely. She misses Terry and Lindsay. She said Josh and Keith try to hang out with her but they are busy so she’s by herself a lot. She said it’s weird to be lonely in a huge city with so many people. Next weekend she’s going to visit Lindsay and Terry at Penn State.

That’s all for now. I have a lot of work to do in order to get my paper on married life written by Friday. Damn that Nick Nicholas!

Thank God It’s Friday! Friday has become my favorite day of the week for more than the obvious reasons…I get to see my honey! I talked to him for a little while last night. He called while I was leaving the dance studio. He’s getting home later tonight than expected. His dad drove up to Connecticut for work and offered to pick Josh up on his way home. Jennifer wanted to come home too so she’s coming down as well.

Jennifer sent me an email last night about how horrible her roommate is. The girl sounds like a nightmare. Jen said she is constantly “sexiled” to the library while her roommate does the deed with whatever random guy she’s picked up that day. Poor Jen. That and getting accustomed to a big city, and missing Terry seems to have her down.

Molly, on the other hand, has become quite fond of her single status. She hasn’t wasted any time crying over Alex. Her “husband” for our project is an Australian exchange student named Tim, and Molly is very taken with him.

Alex is also taken with his partner…a girl named Krissy. And she seems to like him too. It’s like his stock went up after dating Molly. Before Molly barely anyone noticed the poor guy, now he’s a hot commodity. I think he’s going to be the new Josh…the cute, talented guy that all the girls love and has no clue that he’s so sought after. Seriously, the way Alex talks you’d think no one knows he exists. He told me there is no way Krissy would have given him the time of day had it not been for this project.

Kim, too, seems to be hitting it off with her partner. She just broke up with her boyfriend so she’s on the look out for a new guy.

So the married for two weeks project seems to be doing wonders for everyone’s love lives, but it’s driving me insane. I guess it’s because my real love is in New York, and I am on the edge of being repulsed by “husband,” that I’m having such a hard time with it. The problem is that Nick creeps me out. My spider senses go on red alert whenever he is around. There’s just something fishy about the guy.

Oh well, I can forget about him and our fake marriage for the weekend and focus on what’s real.

I want a divorce!

Nick Nicholas is driving me crazy. He really thinks we’re married. It’s sick. He is constantly around. I’ve tried being patient but there’s only so much one person can take! I actually had to go talk to Ms. Matthews about it today. She asked me if I can hang in until the assignment is over because she didn’t want anyone getting a divorce. I agreed because I don’t want to be a problem, but I don’t know if I can continue to deal with Nick.

I don’t want to be Nicole Nicholas. I want to be Nicole Anderson. That has such a nice ring to it, doesn’t it? Thank God Josh doesn’t know about this blog. I wouldn’t want to scare him off…I just can’t help it…Nicole Anderson sounds so good to me. J

Thanks goodness tomorrow is Friday. The week days go by so slow with me waiting for him to come home. Tomorrow night he’s coming with me to a pep rally at school to kick off the fall sports season. On Saturday we’re going to go out alone. We spend way too much time with everyone else.

School is back in full swing and things are going well…mostly. I got “married” in senior seminar on Friday. My husband is this guy named Nick Nicholas…which would make me Nicole Nicholas. Just my luck that not only does my new name suck, but my husband is a complete freak!

Friday after school, Molly and I were heading to the beach and Nick flags me down in the parking lot and asks if I want to hang out over the weekend “since we’re married.” I told him that we were heading down to Molly’s shore house and that I’d talk to him in school on Monday. You’d think that would be the end of it, right?

So we get to the shore house about an hour before Josh, Jen, Keith, Kelly and Jason get there and we make the beds and get everything ready. I lucked out because I was the only one who got my own room. When the gang got there we went to the grocery store and picked up food for dinner and breakfast the next day. We got back from the store, made dinner, and were about to sit down to eat when the phone rings.

Jason offered to get the phone and a minute later comes in and tells me that my “husband” is on the phone! Josh gave me a look and said “husband?” Of course Molly bursts out laughing hysterically and no one knows what’s going on. I took the phone and told Nick not to bother me until Monday (not sure how he got the number to Molly’s beach house), and Molly managed to inform everyone that I was Mrs. Nicholas. Of course Josh kept teasing me about my name.

The rest of the night we played games at the beach house, and everyone decided to go to bed relatively early. Josh came and knocked and my door. He was teasing me about how it was probably inappropriate of him to be visiting a “married woman.” There was a lot of bantering back and forth about extramarital affairs. He kissed me and was like, “I hope your husband doesn’t find out.” He seemed to be having fun with the whole I’m-married-to-Nick thing so I promised him it would be our little secret.

We made plans to meet up early the next morning and go to breakfast together so that we could have a little alone time this weekend. Breakfast was good and it was nice to have him to myself for a few hours. We ate at a little place a few blocks from Molly’s and then we went for a walk on the beach. It would have been perfect except Aunt Lu called then and told me that Nick had called her and was badgering her for my cell phone number. I made her promise not to give it to him.

Josh asked if he needed to have a talk with Nick, which I thought was really cute, but I told him no. I didn’t want to think about Nick.

We spent the afternoon with our friends. We went miniature golfing and then out to dinner. It was fun, but I really wanted Josh to myself. Can you blame me? I spent the whole summer thinking I was in love alone, and now that I know he loves me, I wanted some one-on-one time with him – no husbands, friends or phone calls in the way. So later that night I dragged him back out to the beach to look at the stars with me. It was perfect.

We stayed at the beach until 3:00 on Sunday. That night Josh called to tell me they were back in the city, safe and sound. He told me about the lights in NY where the WTC used to be. I was disappointed with myself for forgetting it was September 11th. Even Aunt Lu didn’t say anything about that.

Yesterday Nick and I ate lunch together to work on our project. He’s scaring me a little. He acts like he thinks we’re really married. It’s creepy!

School is off to a good start. My most interesting class is a senior seminar. They decided this year to have the seniors take a seminar class about the real world rather than doing a senior project. Our first assignment is to get paired up with a partner to “get married,” create a household budget, etc. Should be interesting… We find out who our spouses are tomorrow.

Molly and Alex have been getting along – which is a good thing. I’d hate to choose between them. The love affair is over but I think a friendship could be possible once some of the anger subsides.

I talked to Josh briefly on Tuesday. He wanted to know how school was. We talked a bit longer last night. I’ll be at the dance studio tonight so we figured we’d iron our plans for this weekend. Molly invited us to her shore house. She and I are going to head there after school on Friday. Josh, Jennifer and his roommate, Keith are going to take the train down and Kelly and Jason will pick them up and they’ll all head over to the shore. It should be fun. I’m counting down the hours until I see him.

Well, tomorrow it is back to reality. No more summer vacation. At least this time I'll be a senior so that makes things a little better! Actually, I'm excited about school starting again. I'll need something to keep my mind off of Josh during the week. I just said good-bye to him this morning and already I'm counting down the minutes until he comes back on Friday.

I just hope this school year is awesome. I hope Molly finds a new guy, and a way to hang out with Alex without things being weird. I hope Alex finds a new girl. I hope Josh and I stay together for a very long time!

Friday night while I was out with Molly and Duncan, I got a text message from Josh saying "can we talk?" You know me, I was ready to pounce on the phone and call him. Molly managed to reign me in and told me not to call him right away. I think Duncan was disappointed that his program hasn't been real effective with me. They pretty much spent the evening convincing me to forget Josh.

When I got home I got on the computer and sent him an email. I just typed in an old quote that I remember hearing a few years ago. I wrote: "Loving you is like trying to touch a star, I know I can never reach you, but I can't help but try. Good luck and all my love, Nicole."

Saturday morning I went to the dance studio to help with registration for fall classes. It was busy...tons of kids coming in and out with their moms signing up. I was wiped out by the time I got home around 2:00. My plan was to nap until the swim club party that night.

But...when I walked in the door I found Aunt Lu baking a cake with Josh. I thought he was going to be in the Keys until Sunday so I was stunned to see him standing in the kitchen...and baking with Aunt Lu! Somehow I managed to get out a "what are you doing here?"

Aunt Lu made up an excuse about needing more butter and took off. It was really weird. It was like they were in cohoots with each other. After she left, Josh told me he came home a day early because he wasn't having a good time in Florida, and because he needed to tell me something. I just stood there, not really sure if it was real or if I were in a dream. I couldn't imagine him actually coming home a day early.

I told him to say what he wanted to say. He walked over to me and touched my arms and said, "I wanted to tell you that you did reach me." I thought I was going to cry and he went on about how he was hurt that I called us a fling because it meant so much more to him and I told him I was sorry and that it had meant more to me too.

He said he didn't want things to end just because he would be in New York during the week. And then he said, "we belong together...can we give this a try?" I must have said yes because the next thing I knew I was back in his arms again, back where I belong.

So last night we went to the swim club party and I had to let Duncan know that his plan had been in vain. He seemed okay though and said he just wanted me to be happy. Everyone seemed excited about Josh being back.

We got home from the party a few minutes past midnight and he walked me to the door and commented on how it was past midnight and that it was my birthday. I joked that I was catching up with him. We talked for a few more minutes and then he kissed me good night and said, "there's one other thing that I didn't tell you this afternoon." My heart stood still and I was waiting for the other shoe to drop because things had worked out so well. I just stared at him and he said, "I love you." He said it! He really said it.

I wanted to make sure it was real so I said "what?" And he repeated it again! Then I was like "say it again." He repeated it again. I kept saying "say it again" and he was laughing but he was like "Nicole" in a "I can't believe you're doing this" kind of tone.

Then I pinched him and he was like "what was that for?" I told him I wanted to make sure he was real, that I wasn't dreaming, and he told me that I was supposed to pinch myself, not him. I told him he deserved it for breaking my heart. That caught his attention and he said he'd never break it again, and then told me he loved me again, so I thought I should probably say it back.

What a great way to start my birthday... He went up to New York today to start moving into the dorm, but he's coming back home for my birthday party tonight and he's bringing Jennifer with him. I can't wait!

So Step 2 of Duncan's plan is to get angry. He had me hitting the tennis ball as hard as I could and imagining it being Josh's head. It was fun and it did get some of my frustration out but I'm not really that angry with Josh. I'm just sad that I love him with my whole heart and I can't be with him.

Tonight is step 3. Duncan is taking Molly and I a Moroccan restaurant. It should be interesting. He said they have actual belly dancers! Fun!

Tomorrow Jennifer leaves for New York so we took her out last night for dinner. It was Jennifer, Alex and I. It's the first time I've really hung out with him since he got home. It's weird. Alex was my friend first but I feel more loyalty to Molly. I don't like how he kept her hanging on all summer...especially when he was so in love with her before.

Tomorrow night is the end of the season party at the swim club. I hope it will lift my feelings a little. I'm bummed about Lindsay and Terry leaving for Penn State last week, and Jen leaving tomorrow, as well as Josh leaving when he gets back from Florida. Where Josh is concerned, I'm just all around sad. I really wish we could find a way to be together, but I know I can't go on with him knowing we don't feel the same way.

I started Duncan’s Three Step Program for getting over a broken heart. He told me yesterday that Step 1 is to get upset. He told me to have one last cry and get all of the sadness out of my system. I’m just not sure that’s possible. It seems too easy to just cry and then not be sad about breaking up with Josh.

Tomorrow we are supposed to start Step 2. He told me to meet him at the racquet club. I guess step two has something to do with tennis…Who knows? Maybe it will work.

Today was tough. It was hot and humid and I was at work all day. I used to love being there but every place I turn I see Josh. I keep thinking of him and missing him. It’s torture! Am I ever going to get over him?

I got up the nerve to go talk to Josh before he left on Saturday. It didn't go too well. He just didn't have any interest in talking to me. He was kind of a jerk.

That night I went out with Molly, Kim and Jennifer. It was a girl's night out, and was supposed to be fun but I was upset about things being so bad between me and Josh. We were driving to the restaurant when I got a call from him. They told me not to answer so I didn't and he didn't leave a message. Then at the restaurant he called again and they wouldn't let me answer. Molly said I have to make him sweat.

When we left dinner I checked my message. Molly made me put it on speaker phone so that they could dissect every word and come up with hidden messages. Anyway, he said how sorry he was for being a jerk to me and how he wished we had talked instead of leaving things badly. He said if there was time between getting home from Florida and leaving for New York, he wanted to talk.

He redeemed himself somewhat among the girls. I wanted to call him back but they wouldn't let me. They said I should let him sweat it out until he gets back from Florida. So that's what I'm trying to do but it's torture. I really want to talk to him.

Today at the swim club it was kind of sad. A lot of our co-workers have left for college so it wasn't as much fun. Duncan wants to put me on his three step program for getting over a boyfriend. We start tonight with phase one. Molly thinks it's a scam to get close to me because she thinks he likes me. I hope that's not the case. It's way too soon for another guy, and my heart still belongs to Josh.

Saturday night is the end of the summer bash at the swim club. I hope I'll have fun and not be thinking about Josh the whole time...maybe Duncan's plan will actually work. Sunday is my birthday. I wish I were looking forward to it but I'm afraid I'll be too sad about loosing Josh. :(

I ran into him this morning…Josh, that is. I’ve been avoiding him all week. It was probably a good idea considering how shaken up I felt after seeing him today. I was walking out of the office at the swim club as he was walking in. We just kind of looked at each other for a minute and then he mumbled “hello” and kept walking. The look on his face was just…I don’t even know how to describe it…frustrated, disappointed…I’m not sure either of those are the right words.

I’m so afraid that I made the wrong choice. I don’t know what to think. I know that in my heart I want to be with him more than anything, but I also know that I won’t be happy if I love him and he doesn’t love me back.

I keep going over the same thing again and again. I just can’t stand the idea of not having him in my life. What if I always regret this? What if I’ve lost the chance of a lifetime?

My mom says that I’m young and that there are plenty of other guys and I have a long life ahead of me to find true love. It annoys me that she thinks she knows so well…especially since she’s a part time parent.

Aunt Lu gets it. She understands what he means to me. She understands that he gets me in a way no one else does. She told me I should talk to him.

I’m just paralyzed by indecision. The problem is that he leaves for vacation tomorrow. I need to decide and decide fast. Time is running out. He’s going to leave for vacation and then for school. We could drift so far apart that there’s no chance. This makes it sound like I want a chance, doesn’t it?

I’m so confused.

I'm miserable. I'm so afraid that I did the wrong thing with Josh, but on the other hand I couldn't go on pretending that he feels the same way I do.

This whole summer...everytime he'd kiss me good-night or hold me close I had to bite back the words "I love you," because I was so afraid of scaring him off. I'd walk around singing the Britney Spears song, "Don't Let Me Be The Last To Know." But he hasn't let me know, so what am I to conclude? That he doesn't love me.

We'd be on the phone together late at night and I would long to tell him. He'd hang up and I would stay on the line and whisper, "I love you so much. Why can't I tell you?" Now I know why I couldn't tell him...I couldn't tell him because deep down I knew that he doesn't love me back.

Honestly, I can't wait until he leaves for vacation and then for school. Then I won't have to worry about seeing him.

Last night was a disaster. And that’s putting it lightly. Once again, things are off with Josh. And considering the way we left things, I’m willing to bet that they will stay off.

We went to the mall last night to pick up some things he needed to take to school. I’ve been feeling sensitive as it is about him leaving so that definitely didn’t help. I was quiet and withdrawn the whole night…not on purpose, I was just feeling sad because I love him so much and he’s leaving.

By the time we pulled up outside his house I think he was really frustrated because he could tell something was wrong. He kept asking me and finally I told him that I thought our time was up. He told me he didn’t see why the end of the summer had to mean the end of us. I should have told him that he was right, that I want to work things out. I should have told him anything, but I told him it was over!

He looked really frustrated and kept asking me why. I started to get more upset and just started going on and on about how I can’t do this anymore, how I can’t pretend that our feelings are equal and how I need to let go.

That’s when he started to get angry. He was like, “what are you talking about?” I told him that I can’t pretend what we have is some big love affair when in reality it was nothing more than a little fling. That made him angrier and he started yelling at me saying that he gave up his summer for me, that he handed it over to me on a silver platter, and how if all he wanted was a fling he could have had one with half a dozen girls in New York. Then he said, “I came home this summer for something real, for something with substance, for something with you. If what we had this summer was only a fling it’s because you made it that way.” And then he stormed off.

I spent the night locked up in my room crying, sitting with both the phone and cell phone beside me. I guess I thought he would call but he didn’t.

This morning I went into work but I was too afraid of running into him so I told Henry that Jennifer needed help cleaning up the drama room now that camp is over. I was surprised but Jennifer was actually really nice about everything. I almost felt better after spending the morning with her. By the time we were finished Josh was gone. He only worked the morning hours and then left.

I don’t know what to do now. I want to take it all back. I want him to call or stop by and tell me that he wants to be with me as much as I want to be with him. I just don’t think it’s going to happen. He looked so mad last night…angrier than I’ve ever seen him.

I’m just so torn. On one hand, I wonder if I screwed up the best thing that’s ever happened to me. Did I lose the one person who’s been on my side since the day we met? The one person who really gets me? Are we soul mates, destined to be together? Then, there’s the other hand that says: “Fool, forget him. He’s going to break your heart and tear it into little pieces, leaving nothing behind but scar tissue. Be glad you let him go before you got in too deep. He’s just not that into you.” I wish I knew who to listen to.

P.S. – Molly and Alex broke up last night too. :(

This weekend was crazy. I don’t even know where to start…

I’ll start with Alex. He’s returned from his summer in Europe. There’s something different about him. Josh and I were talking about it last night and we wonder if there was a girl in Europe. There was something keeping him there, and making him act distant from Molly. They’re reunion was awkward and I think they will be broken up by the end of the week.

In other news, my mom decided she wants a trial separation from my dad. She wants to find an apartment in Sarasota and wants me to move back down there with her. I am all for the trial separation but there is no way I’m going back to Florida and I told her that. I am finally seeing just how selfish my mother is. First she ships me off to live with Aunt Lu because she won’t leave my drunken father. And now that I’m happy, and settled, and more secure and safe than I’ve ever been in my life, she wants to uproot me again! The woman has a lot of nerve! I told her to count me out. She wasn’t happy but I don’t think she’s going to fight me on it. I heard her and Aunt Lu having an argument and it sounded like Aunt Lu won.

Things with Josh are stressful too. I just can’t keep going on like things are great. I can’t pretend that our feelings are equal. I know that I’m in this deeper than he is. I love him, but I just don’t think he loves me back. And with him going off to school, I’m afraid that some beautiful New York college girl will come along and make him forget about me. I wish I knew what to do.

I ate dinner last night and went to sleep. I was completely wiped out. Unfortunately I woke up at midnight wide awake, so I signed onto IM. I saw that Josh was logged on and I was debating whether to IM him or not when he sent me a message that said, “answer your phone.” I looked at the phone and sure enough it rang.

He told me that he had stopped by earlier in the day to talk to my mom. I guess whatever he said to her is what turned her around. I tried to get details out of him but all he said was that he assured her that he wouldn’t push me or try to take advantage of me.

By the end of the conversation I understood why my mother had turned around. I went from being grumpy at the beginning of the conversation to feeling much better after talking to him. He has that effect on people.

Today I went into work and just sat around all day. No one was there because of the rain so all of the employees hung out in the snack bar. Josh had his guitar and played our rainy day song, “I Love A Rainy Night.” At the beginning of the summer it was on while we were hanging out in the snack bar on a rainy day and we made it our rainy day theme.

Tonight my mom, Aunt Lu, Lindsay, Aunt Linda and I are going out for a girls’ night. I wish I were more enthusiastic but I’m still upset with my mom. I feel like there’s more to all of this that I don’t know about. I mean, she flew up here supposedly because she was worried about me and Josh, but then she suddenly is okay with everything. It doesn’t make sense. I’m still worried that she wants me to go back to Florida. I can’t let that happen.

I felt like crap this morning. I tossed and turned all night and my eyes hurt from crying. They are so puffy too. I’m ready for a long nap.

I had to work until 4:00 so I was really dragging all day. Josh was scheduled to go home after swimming lessons but we took a few minutes to talk before he left. I told him about the fight with my mom and how she threatened to take me back to Florida with her. He suggested we cool things off so that I can stay. Not what I wanted to hear! I asked him if he was looking for an out…after all this is the second time this week that we’ve discussed cooling things off. He told me that he didn’t want an out and that I shouldn’t worry about things. He gave me a quick kiss and then left.

I spent the rest of the afternoon feeling annoyed. Annoyed with my mom. Annoyed with Josh for being so blasé about this.

I’m starting to think maybe we should cool things off. Not because of my mom, but because of the fact that he’s going away on vacation in a little over a week and then heading to school. I just think I’m going to be crushed when it happens. So why prolong the inevitable? …But I can’t bring myself to do it. I can’t bring myself to turn away because he means so much to me.

When I got home my mom was weird. She apologized for our fight last night and said, “perhaps I overreacted.” WHAT?!?!?!? She flew up here from Florida and now she’s decided that she overreacted?!? I don’t get it. I need a nap. I really need a nap.

This night has been hell. My mom arrived a little while ago and it’s been a nightmare since she got here. She thinks that things are moving too fast between Josh and I. Apparently, Mrs. Anderson told her about walking in on us kissing last week and now my mom thinks that all we do is sit around making out. And that’s totally not the case!

My mom was like, “I like Josh, I really do. I’m just concerned that my sixteen year old daughter-” And then I cut her off and reminded her I’m almost seventeen. She reminded me that he’s nineteen and in college, and living in New York City. It’s like she’s holding it against him that he goes to school in a big city. She also was upset with Aunt Lu for letting me spend the weekend up there. It was so stupid.

I kept getting more and more upset. I told her that I love him and I don’t care what she thinks. She threatened to make me go back to Florida, and I got more upset. I started going on and on about how he was moving back to New York and how that was going to be difficult enough. And there is no way I’m going to move even further away from him!

I ran up to my room. Aunt Lu came up a little later and told me that my mom wouldn’t really make me move back to Florida, but that throwing temper tantrums probably wouldn’t help my case any.

Aunt Lu said she was worried about me because she was afraid my heart would get broken when Josh returns to school. I didn’t want to tell her that I’ve been a little worried about that too. I know that this is not just infatuation. I really am in love with him. He’s it. He’s the one. I look at him and I see my future. I guess I’m just scared that he doesn’t feel as strongly.

I’m just so frustrated right now…with my mom, with the fact that I might be in love alone, with the desire to sneak out so that I can see Josh. I just wish that these things would work themselves out.

I am so annoyed right now. My mother is on a plane to Philadelphia as I write because she thinks I need some parental supervision. Like Aunt Lu isn’t providing that? My mother called Mrs. Anderson and discussed my relationship with Josh with her! She thinks things are moving too fast and that we need to cool things off and take things slowly.

All of this because Aunt Lu came downstairs last night and caught Josh and I kissing on the couch. It’s not like we were in my bedroom, or rolling around naked! We were kissing for Pete’s sake. Grrr… But Aunt Lu said that it looked “pretty intense” and that I should remember that he’s older and probably more experienced and I don’t want to get into a compromising situation. Like Josh would ever do anything I didn’t want him to. It was all so stupid. She mentioned it to my mom this morning and my mom freaked out over it. Now she’s on her way here.

This morning I stopped by the Anderson’s house to get a ride to work with Josh and it must have been right after my mom called Mrs. Anderson. I heard her lecturing him from outside about how I’m only sixteen and he has to be careful. He was like, “Mom, I’m nineteen. You don’t need to lecture me anymore.” She seemed more annoyed and pointed out again that I’m only sixteen. Josh countered with the fact that I’ll be seventeen in three weeks and that she and Mr. Anderson are five years apart. Mrs. Anderson just ignored him and told him he has to be careful because I’m not where he is, that I’m still in high school and that even though I may seem grown up, I’m still a kid.

Josh walked out of the house then. He knew I heard the conversation and looked embarrassed. He told me that the problem wasn’t between the two of us and that no one could keep us from seeing each other.

I wish it had made me feel better. The fact is that my mom is worried enough about this to fly up here. What if she decides to take me back to Florida with her? It’s going to be hard enough having a New York-Pennsylvania relationship. I don’t see how a New York-Florida relationship is possible. God, I hope she doesn’t take me back to Florida. I don’t think I could survive there…not with my Dad’s drinking…not without Josh...and definitely not without Aunt Lu.

The weekend was awesome. We decided to make a weekend out of our dinner cruise to New York. We got two hotel rooms in the city: one for me, Molly and Jen, the other for the guys.

Molly, Jennifer, Josh and I took the train up to the city on Saturday and got there around 12:00. It was so much different from our choir trip. I feel like I really got a feeling for the city. We got hot dogs at Gray Papaya for lunch and ate them in Central Park. We spent the rest of the afternoon walking around Times Square. We spent a lot of time in the Virgin Record Store.

Terry and Duncan (Molly’s date) had to work in the morning but drove up and met us at the hotel before the dinner cruise. The cruise was awesome…even better than last year. It wasn’t raining so we were able to go out on the deck and enjoy it a bit more. It was really hot, but I would have picked hot over raining.

Duncan was trying to talk Molly into breaking up with Alex. He told her to stop pining over him after all that’s he’s put her through this summer. Apparently he’s developed a three step program to help people get over a break up and is willing to help Molly out. I’m not sure what I think of that, but I was happy to see Molly having a good time.

Josh and I danced and stood out on the deck looking at the city skyline. It was incredibly romantic and I’m so glad he bid on me this year.

After the cruise Josh and I separated from the group. We walked along 5th Avenue and around Rockefeller Plaza. It was nice but being in New York reminded me that he would be headed back there soon. It felt like his upcoming return to school was hanging over us, and I couldn’t shake the sadness that came with it. I guess I was unusually quiet, or maybe he just read my thoughts because he asked if I was upset about him moving back to the city.

It’s true, I am worried about him moving back… but mostly because I still feel that I’m in a lot deeper than he is. The words “I love you” are on the tip of my tongue every time we’re together and it takes all of my strength to hold them back. I know it’s stupid but I need to hear him say it and I need to hear him say it first. When he goes back to school, I’m afraid that it will be a set back. Of course I didn’t tell him all of this. I tried to play it cool but he reads me so well that it’s frustrating. So I told him that I thought it would be hard for us to be together with him living in another state.

Then he said, “So…what? You want out?” I started to get worried that he was looking for an out so I said “No. Do you?” I swear my heart was pounding like crazy but he said he doesn’t want out. Then he said, “This is hard for me.” And I had no idea what he was talking about. Aside from ice skating, I’ve never seen Josh have a hard time with anything so I asked him what was hard. He was like, “saying how I feel about things.”

I kind of chuckled, which probably didn’t make him feel much better, but knowing he was scared too was such a relief. I was like, “You can say anything! It’s just me.” And then he laughed and was like “It’s just you? Nicole, do you have any idea how much I want this to work? I have to go back to school but that doesn’t mean that you and I can’t continue.” It was such a relief to talk things out.

On Sunday we got up early – which was torture considering that Josh and I didn’t return to the hotel until 2:30. We went back to Rockefeller Plaza because Molly wanted to see where they do the “Today” show. We grabbed something to eat at Dean and Deluca and shopped in the NBC store before piling into Duncan’s car for a ride back to Princeton (where Josh’s car was parked).

Molly rode back home with Josh and I. She got a call on the way from Alex. He told her he would be back on Friday. Interesting. I can’t wait to see what he has to say for himself!

This week has been so much better than last week. On Tuesday night I was walking out to my car to head over to the swim club to help Jennifer paint the set for the campers' play. As I was walking out, I heard Mrs. Anderson yelling at Josh because he was playing basketball, and I guess Mrs. Anderson thought it was too soon after his head injury to be playing sports. He walked into the front yard and saw me, and I think it annoyed him that his mom was yelling at him in front of me. Then Mrs. Anderson turned to me and said, "Nicole, I'm going out tonight. Will you stop over later and make sure Josh isn't doing any strenuous activity?" I was about to respond when Josh looked at his mother and said, "I can't believe you're asking my girlfriend to baby-sit me!"

"Girlfriend" was the only word that mattered. He called me his girlfriend!!!!!! I told Mrs. Anderson that I would stop over around 9:00. Then I drove off to the swim club as the happiest girl on earth. I called Natalie on my way there to tell her he called me his girlfriend. Then I saw Molly when I got there and we both went crazy!

At 9:00 I stopped by the Anderson's to make sure Josh was taking it easy. The two hours I spent at the swim club felt like torture. All I wanted was to see him since I then knew I was his girlfriend.

When I got there he was the only one home, and he was just sitting around watching TV. When he opened the door I wrapped my arms around and gave him a big kiss. He smiled at me and joked, saying, "maybe you should go back in and we'll do that again."

He was in the mood for cookies, so we sliced up a roll of cookie dough and stuck it in the oven. He had me pressed up against the kitchen counter and was kissing me when his mother walked in. She had her hands on her hips and was like, "I told you not to do anything strenuous!" She was joking and didn't seem all that phased by seeing us kiss, but I was really embarrassed.

The rest of the week has been pretty good with the exception of Alex calling to say he was staying in Europe even longer. I think Molly is really losing patience with him.

That's all for now. The dinner cruise is tomorrow night! Can't wait!

I got to leave work early today. It’s been overcast and rainy the past two days so there wasn’t much going on there. I thought this would be a good time to catch up on blogging.

Friday night was the bachelorette auction. I was nervous about it. I kept thinking that no one would bid for me but I actually had three bidders: Duncan, some random guy I’ve never met, and…Josh. And guess who won? Josh.

I had mixed feelings about it. Part of me thought he was just sleep deprived and didn’t know what he was doing. Another part of me was afraid that this would just stir up more disappointment. And the other part of me was thrilled that he still wanted me despite me breaking up with him.

When the auction was over I went over to him. He told me that Lauren had told him what I had told her…about how I didn’t like being one of many girls. He asked why I thought he was dating other girls. Then he was like, “There are no other girls. Nicole, I moved home this summer to be with you.” I responded with, “No, you moved home to be with your friends.” Then he as like, “No, I moved home to be with you.”

I couldn’t really say anything. I felt like such an idiot for assuming that because other girls wanted him, he would want them back. Especially since he’s never given me reason to think he’d lie or mess around behind my back. So after an agonizing moment of realization I apologized. And I think we’re back together but I’m not completely sure. All I know is that we have a date on the dinner cruise this Saturday night.

After our talk, he left to go home and sleep since it had been almost 40 hours since he’d last slept. Molly and I went out afterwards. On Saturday Josh was still “out sick” due to his head injury and I didn’t see him until Sunday. He was put on desk duty in the office so I got to spend some time with him at work on Sunday. I don’t think he did much work. All of the little kids kept coming in to see him and see how his head was doing. It was kind of cute.

So this weekend is going to be eventful. The camp staff talent show is on Friday night. Jennifer and I are singing two duets: “Emotions” (Destiny’s Child/Bee Gees) and “To Love Somebody” (Bee Gees). Saturday night is the dinner cruise.

Well, that’s all for now. I’m going to take Aunt Lu to the grocery store. She’s still moving really slow from her hip injury. More later!

My world is like crazy drama world. Yesterday was awful. I was outside talking to Molly on the deck of the snack bar when I heard commotion down by the pools. Josh was running over to the diving pool yelling at Duncan (the lifeguard guarding the diving pool) to not let a little boy dive because he didn’t know how to swim. Well, the kid dove in (I think it was a dare or something). Josh dove in after him from the side of the pool and clipped the side of the diving board with his head. Duncan dove in to get the little boy and realized Josh hadn’t come back up. It was horrible. He and Terry both went back in for Josh. Josh came out of the pool conscious but really out of it and his head was bleeding.

Lauren was freaking out. I was freaking out. Henry and Jill were trying to calm us down, get help and tend to Josh. An ambulance came and took him and Lauren to the emergency room. I was going to follow but I was too frazzled to drive so Jennifer took me over.

I knew he was going to be okay but I was really worried, and very upset. I know without a doubt that I love him now, but I can’t go back to being one of a million girls. Ugghhh…

The doctors said he would be okay and that he had a mild concussion and not to let him go to sleep. Mrs. Anderson took us home, dropping Lauren and I off at the swim club to get my car. I guess she thought I needed company. We got in the car and I just started crying. Lauren seemed confused, and was asking me why I broke up with him if I like him so much. I told her about the other girls and she told me that to her knowledge there are no other girls. That kind of made me feel better and worse.

Once I calmed down I managed to get us safely home. Molly, Terry, Jen, Lauren and I hung out with Josh last night trying to keep him awake. It was weird for me. The whole night was awkward. It was like we both wanted to say something to the other but couldn’t.

We finally left this morning at 6:00. I slept until 1:00. Now I have to get ready for the stupid auction tonight. I totally don’t want to do it anymore, but I have to. Maybe I’m just grumpy from a horrible day, stressful night, and lack of sleep.

Well, Josh and I are over. Finished.

It's just so frustrating. I thought that once people knew we were dating that his fan club (all of the girls that are constantly around him) would back off. But they don't. It's like he's more attractive to them because he's taken. I actually saw some girl give him her phone number on Monday. I was standing 20 feet away. I know we don't have any committment to each other, I know he's free to do as he pleases, but I just can't take watching him with other girls. I get so jealous...and it brings out all of the bad in me. So last night I broke things off.

Needless to say, it wasn't a fun night and today hasn't been a fun day. I called out sick to work so I wouldn't have to see him. I know it's just prelonging the inevitable, but I needed a day to regroup.

Molly tried to console me by reminding me that the bachelorette auction is on Friday and maybe a cute guy will bid on me. I think she's hoping that will happen for her. She's still pretty upset that things with Alex aren't going so well. We're going out tonight to try to forget those stupid boys.

I’m exhausted. I worked all weekend plus went out at night. It’s tiring…but fun, so I guess I shouldn’t complain. On Friday night the whole gang got together at Terry’s house. He bought Dance Dance Revolution for PlayStation 2 so we were playing all night. That game is addicting! Everyone thought I’d be the best at it since I’m a dancer but Molly kicked everyone’s butts!

Saturday night was just me and Josh. We went out to dinner and then took a ghost tour in New Hope. It was pretty cool. I had no idea that the area was so haunted.

The rest of the weekend I was running around between the swim club and the dance studio. I love both jobs but it’s hard trying to work both of them at once.

Tonight I have to go back to the swim club to help Jennifer paint sets for the play. I remember how stressed I was last year so I want to try to help her as much as I can.

After that I’m going over to Molly’s. She freaking out a little because Alex is coming home at the end of the week and they haven’t talked much since he left. I don’t know what’s going on with him. He was so crazy about Molly, but he’s hardly called her since he went away. I may have to give him a good kick in the pants!

I know it's been almost two weeks. But it's summer and I've been busy! :)

Last week I was in Tennessee visiting the grandparents. My parents were there as well. My dad was on good behavior since we were visiting his family. Figures.

I missed Josh like crazy the whole time I was there. Molly called me on Friday night and told me that he missed me too, so that's a plus. :) I was counting down the minutes until I got home the whole time I was there.

When I got to the Philadelphia airport on Saturday I was itching to get home. I was on the escalator down to the baggage claim and I saw him standing there waiting for me! I practically squealed when I saw him. I ran into his arms the minute I got to the bottom. So much for playing things cool. He had convinced Aunt Lu to let him pick me up. It was probably better that way since her hip is still bothering her and it's hard for her to drive more than a few minutes.

Things have been really good since I got home. We've been together every day. Things are exactly the way I imaged. The only problem is that I'm afraid that I'm falling faster and harder than he is. Every night when he kisses me good night, I'm so afraid I'm going to confess how deeply I feel. I can feel the words waiting in my throat to come out and I don't want to say them. I don't want to scare him off. I don't want to ruin things. So for now, I'm keeping quiet.

This year the swim club is doing a bachelorette auction instead of a bachelor auction. Henry wants me to do it but I feel weird because of Josh. I don't want to go out with some random guy when I already have the most amazing guy ever!

Today was great. I love rainy days. I went to work but they sent a few of us home because of the weather. So Josh and I went back to his house. We cuddled up on the couch in the basement and watched TV for hours. It was perfect...until the rain cleared and he got called to go back to work. Oh well, it was great while it lasted. :)

I went out to dinner with Lindsay. Now I'm waiting for Molly. She was working the snack bar at the swim club all night. She just got home a little while ago and we're supposed to go over to Kelly's house.

Not too much to report. Just enjoying the summer while I can. I love having Josh around. I think I'm going to go crazy next week when I'm in Tennessee!

I'm worried about Molly. She hasn't been herself lately. I know she's upset about Alex being in Europe for the next few weeks so we went out for a girl's night last night. I was hoping she would talk about Alex but she didn't want to. It was a fun evening but I wish she would open up to me about what's going on. She hasn't been herself since he left last week.

Things have been really busy with work. Between the swim club and the dance studio I'm always working. I've been at the swim club every day this week. I'm working at the dance studio tonight. I'm not complaining though. I'm getting Saturday off and then I have off for a few days next week so I'm meeting my parents in Tennessee so that we can visit my grandparents. I'll be there Wednesday, Thursday and Friday and coming back on Saturday.

This Saturday is another date with Josh. I'm still expecting to wake up and find out that this whole thing has been a dream. He's just so sweet, and so wonderful. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. Can anyone really be that incredible?

We've been spending more time together. We both worked the evening shift Tuesday night, and then went back to his house and watched the movie "Hitch" (very good!). Yesterday we had lunch together at the club. Tonight he's picking me up at the dance studio and we're going to get ice cream. It just all seems to perfect. It's exactly what I've wanted. I just wish I could relax and enjoy it. I'm so afraid that I'm going to ruin it by acting all paranoid. I just can't help it. Good things like this don't usually happen to me. It's hard to believe it's real.

The worrying is all worth it though. Everytime we're together things are so great. I am so crazy about him. I just don't want it to end.

I haven't had much time to write with Natalie here and then getting ready for yesterday's big 4th of July party at the swim club. Things have been busy but really great. Actually, really great is an understatement.

Natalie left last Tuesday and my attention was turned completely to the party. On Wednesday Henry informed me that he wanted Josh to be the main attraction at the kissing booth. I wasn't really happy about it, but Henry reminded me that the money the club makes goes towards scholarships for the campers and that Josh would make the most money at the booth. Josh didn't seem too happy about the idea either but he agreed to do it.

On Thursday, Molly, Henry, Jennifer, Terry, Jill and I spent the day outside putting up the booths for the party. It was a long, hot day, and I learned that even my Florida skin can't handle that much sun. For the first time in my life I was burnt to a crisp. I've never been burnt before and had no idea how painful sunburn is. I guess my skin isn't used to the sun as much now that I'm in Pennsylvania.

That night Josh stopped by after work. Aunt Lu was out so I actually had him all to myself for a little while. He had heard from Lauren that I was sunburnt so he stopped by to make sure I was all right! So sweet... He rubbed aloe on my back for me, and then we started kissing and I realized that I'm falling really hard really fast. Maybe he noticed or thought the same thing because he told me he should get going.

I didn't see him again until Saturday night when I went out to dinner with his parents and grandparents. It was a great dinner. Being from Florida made the conversation roll easily with his grandparents since they just moved down there last year. I told them about some great restaurants and stores.

After dinner Josh and I took a walk through town and he held my hand. I don't know what it is about hand holding, but I almost like it better than kissing him. I guess part if it is me wanting everyone to know that he cares about me, and walking around holding hands says that pretty loud and clear. The best part was running into Nancy. The look on her face with priceless.

Yesterday was the big party at the swim club. I was having a fabulous time watching all of the kids have a fabulous time. The only person not having a fabulous time was Josh. He was supposed to work the booth until 2:30 but around 1:30 Jill found me and told me he wanted to see me. I took a bottle of water and some chapstick with me thinking he just needed a break but he looked stressed and said he didn't want to do it anymore. I got in line behind the last girl to let people know that we were closing until Josh's replacement got there. Henry wasn't thrilled about it but it was almost 2:00 by the time Josh finished up the line.

After that he hung out with me, helping the kids play games and making sure things ran smoothly. I felt really bad that he was miserable at the kissing booth. I teased him that most guys would love to have girls lining up to kiss them. He pulled me close, gave me an amazing kiss and said, "I had to at least kiss a girl that I want to kiss." It was so sweet and I grabbed him and kissed him again. We didn't notice his mother and Lauren walking up to us. His mom was like, "I thought the kissing booth was closed!" It was embarrassing but Mrs. Anderson didn't seem phased.

The swim club closed at 4:00 and we did clean up until 6:00. Then it was off to a BBQ at Kelly's house. After we ate Josh and I went into town and watched the fireworks together. He asked me to go out again Friday night. It's so weird because I still have a hard time believing this is for real. My head keeps expecting something bad to happen because it seems like good things like this don't happen to me. But my heart trusts him, and I keep remembering that that's what I have to hold on to.

I guess I'm just scared because I was crazy about him before but now I'm really falling. Falling hard and falling fast. Everytime he walks me to the door and kisses me good night I'm terrified that I'm going to say something that he's not ready to hear. I just have to remember to continue to play it cool.

Natalie gets here this afternoon. Aunt Linda, Lindsay and I are going to the airport to pick her up in an hour! I can't wait.

The past few days have been good, but busy. I worked all afternoon and evening on Wednesday. It kept storming and then getting sunny and then storming again so there weren't too many people at the swim club and camp doesn't start until next week.

I was standing out on the deck by the snack club talking to Molly when Josh walked up behind me and turned me around. I looked up in the sky and saw a double rainbow! It was so beautiful and I've never seen anything like it before! I thanked him for making me see it. Then he asked if I wanted to get ice cream on Thursday night after work. Of course I said yes! :)

So last night Josh picked me up at the dance studio where I was working. Before going for ice cream he took me to a look out point where you can see everything! It was awesome, and no, it wasn't like Blueberry Hill or some makeout point. We got up there and he started pointing things out to me...the swim club, school, our neighborhood. We got to talking and he told me that he knew I had won the bear! He said he was sorry that I didn't keep it. I felt bad about it but he just laughed it off.

He kissed me while we were up there and I felt like a character in a romance novel. It was so perfect... the moon and the stars were out and he smelt so good. It was perfect. I wanted so badly to tell him how crazy I am about him, but I kept reminding myself to play it cool. I kept thinking about the Rules and how Molly would handle the situation.

He told me that his grandparents are coming up from Florida next week and invited me to have dinner with them and his family. He said he wasn't trying to rush things but he'd like it if I joined them. Like I was going to say no to that! I actually have hope that he likes me as much as I like him now that he wants me to have dinner with his family.

After that we went for ice cream. Things just seem so good, but I have to keep my cool. Having Natalie in town should help because it will keep me too busy to go throw myself at Josh.

Well, I better run. Gotta get ready to head over to the airport.

Last night was my second first date with Josh and it was a million times better than the first first date with Josh. I didn't end up in the emergency room, and I didn't embarrass myself. That alone could have made it a great night, but it was so much more than that. It was perfect. I keep living it over and over in my mind because I don't want to forget this feeling. I want to remember how perfect it was and how amazing I feel for the rest of my life.

We left Pennsylvania around 1:00 and got to Lindsay's beach house a little before 3:00. The place they rented was really nice, and we had fun there but I was kind if itching to leave. I wanted to be alone with Josh. We hung out with Lindsay, Jennifer and Terry until 5:00 and then headed out.

Josh took me to a seafood restaurant in Point Pleasant that overlooks the water. It was perfect, and even though I was nervous about the night going well, things felt comfortable and easy. My food was delicious, and the restaurant reminded me of some of my favorite places in Florida.

After dinner we hit the boardwalk. We played ski ball - my favorite game! Then we walked along the boardwalk and Josh decided to try to win me a stuffed bear. He was trying so hard but he just couldn't seem to win the darn thing. I didn't really care, but I think his ego was slightly bruised because he wouldn't give up on the bear. He actually had to leave to go to the ATM because he was running out of money. While he was gone I decided to give the game a try. I won on the first try. Then I felt bad about winning the bear for myself so I gave it to some little kid before he got back!

When he got back I pulled him away from the game so he would just forget about it. He didn't argue with me so I took it as a good sign. We were standing on the boardwalk looking out at the water and I was telling him about Florida. He asked me if I missed it, and I explained that I'm so much happier in PA. It's amazing, the anger at my parents for leaving me with Aunt Lu, and the loneliness I felt when I got here were so worth it, because my life is so much better. He looked really happy to hear my say that.

His cell phone rang then, and he said he normally wouldn't get it but it was his sister. She told him to turn around so we did and she and her friend came walking over towards us. They were spending a few days down at the shore with her friend's father, but they wanted to go home and proceeded to convince Josh for a ride home. It didn't bother me, but Josh really didn't want to give them a ride. But we did.

We left the beach then and headed for home with Lauren and Christine in the back seat. We stopped for ice cream along the way. I could tell Josh was annoyed with Lauren but he did a pretty good job of controlling it.

When we got home, he sent them into the house and walked me to the door. I thanked him for a great day and he said, "The pleasure was all mine." He gave me one of those heart pounding, heart soaring kisses and then said good night.

It was perfect! Absolutely perfect.