Christmas was kind of depressing. Well, mostly Christmas Eve. I just couldn't stop thinking about Josh. I kept thinking about his family's party and how we kissed on Christmas Eve for the first time two years ago. I was miserable the whole night. Lauren had called me earlier in the day and made a comment about how mad she was that he invited Laura to the party. It just pushed me over the edge. I spent the night in the guest room with Aunt Lu crying. All I could think about was Josh and Laura and why doesn't he love me anymore?

Around midnight I went up to my room. When I got there I saw that Josh had called my cell phone and left a message. He said he was thinking about me and asked if I had received the package (I hadn't). I felt a little better - at least I knew he wasn't under the mistletoe with Laura. It was late so I didn't call him back. I didn't call him back at all actually.

Yesterday the package came with a Christmas present from Josh. It was a Vera Bradley bag that I wanted. It's so nice but it's so hard to look at it because it just reminds me of him and what we no longer have.

I have discovered every sad Christmas song this year... "Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas," "Blue Christmas," "Bells Will Be Ringing," "Miss You Most At Christmas Time," "You Don't Have To Be Alone," "Lonely Christmas" - the list goes on and on. I just keep hoping that Judy Garland was right when she sang, "next year all our troubles will be miles away." I just hope that next year at this time I'll be so over him that hearing his name won't make me want to cry. I hope that my heart won't break each and every time he enters my minds.

I spent most of the day at Natalie's. We sat around watching TV and eating cookies. It's a good thing I have dancing to help me burn calories because I've been eating non-stop. There are just so many different types of cookies and each one is equally good. It's so hard to behave myself...

My day at the beach was kind of a bummer. It felt so good being there but I kept thinking about how Josh was with me the last time I was there. And I was thinking about Thanksgiving a few years ago when we first went there together. It was before the relationship had started and everything seemed so new and full of possibilities. It's hard to think about it being over. :(

Aunt Lu gets here today. My mom and I are going to drive up to the airport to pick her up. We are going to stop in Sarasota for dinner on the way home. It will be so nice to see her. At least this time I won't be crying at the dinner table. I'm still upset but I'm handling things better. It's mostly at night that I start to think about him, during the day I do pretty well.

I guess that's all for now. I need to wrap some presents and get myself presentable for dinner.

Well, I'm in Florida. I spent Saturday morning traveling and then I just relaxed at the house with my mom the rest of the day. Yesterday we baked Christmas cookies. Today it is off to Siesta Key to lounge on the beach with Natalie and Arie. So far there has been no mention of "him" and everyone is playing along with my "Josh-doesn't-exist" plan. I've been feeling a little better, but thoughts of him skill creep in, especially at night. I'm doing my best but it's still hard not to think about him.

My father has been uncharacteristically calm and cool about my car being totaled. His response was "we'll get a new one." Very strange. Usually he'd be flying off the handle. I don't understand it. I've hardly even seen him since I got here. He slept most of the day yesterday. Normally I would be ecstatic about not having to deal with him, but something seems weird. My father is not the type to sleep all day. He uses alcohol to relax - not sleep - and he's a work-aholic so for him to be not drunk and not at work at the same time is very strange.

Well, I need to finish getting beach-ready. Today looks like it will be the warmest day this week so I need to take advantage of it. I think the sun will do me some good.

Natalie and I went out shopping today. She wanted to buy some clothes for the break. I tried to warn her that she wouldn't find anything to wear in Florida up here in New Jersey but she didn't want to take my word for it. She didn't find anything for Florida but it did take my mind off of you-know-who for a few hours so I was grateful for that.

I picked up a few Christmas presents while we were out. I haven't bought anything for Aunt Lu or my parents but I want to wait until I'm in Florida so I don't have to drag them down there on the plane. I'm kind of glad I had to wait until tomorrow to go. Natalie is going to fly down with me so I won't be alone.

I called my mom this morning and informed her of the breakup. I told her that I don't want to talk about it and when I'm in Florida my plan is to forget him. She hesitated but agreed not to mention the "J word" while I'm down there.

Classes don't start again until January 22nd so my plan is to spend the next two weeks in Sarasota and then the week after that my mom and I are going to the keys for a few days before I head back up north. I'll still have another two weeks before classes start. I'm not sure what I'll do with myself. Right now I just don't want to run into you-know-who but maybe in a few weeks that will change. If not I might just stay in Florida up until the start of classes. Not sure yet.

Well, I have to pack and then Molly, Nat, Amanda and I are going out for a girl's Christmas dinner tonight.

Aunt Lu came to take me out to dinner tonight. I ended up sitting at the table crying. It was horrible. I'm so embarrassed. The only good thing is that we were sitting in a corner where no one could really see us.

How am I going to get over him? I love him. I want to be with him. I want to see those beautiful, shiny, blue eyes of his looking back at me the way they used to. I want that smile that tells me everything is going to be alright. And those arms...I want those arms wrapped around me. I don't know what I'm going to do. I can't stop thinking about him. He has become such a part of me, and left an indelible mark on my heart that can't be erased.

But what does it matter what's on my heart when he has it anyway? He's walking around New York City with my heart in his hands, probably partying, having a good old time, maybe collecting a few more hearts while I sit here with a chest that would be empty if not for the scare tissue he left behind.

Saturday feels like a lifetime away. All I want to do is get on that plane to Sarasota and leave as much of Josh behind as I can.

I decided the blog needs a new look. You know how you break up with someone and you get a new hair cut? Well, I break up and I give the blog a new look. Hey, I had to do something and there is no way I was going to cut my hair. I refuse to end up looking like "Felicity" after her breakup with Ben.

Anyway, I got tired of waiting for my dad to call me back yesterday so I called my mom and found out that she's in Orlando for some dance competition and my dad is in Miami on business. So I can't go to Florida until Saturday when they are both home. Grrr... So instead of lounging in the Florida sun, I'm stuck here in the dorms in floggy New Jersey while I mope about losing the love of my life.

Amanda was up cramming all night so I sat on my bed downloading "breakup songs" from iTunes. I figure if I'm going to wallow I ought to do it right. Now I have a whole playlist of sad love songs to sit and listen to. There is even a whole website dedicated to breakup songs.

After I downloaded my songs I went back and read through all of my old blog posts which was pure agony. Reading about all of the sweet things Josh has done for me through the years just tore my heart up even more. And yet I couldn't stop reading. I just read and cried, remembering each and every precious moment. I know I should be trying to move on, but I can't. I hoped that going to Florida would help me do that, but since I'm stuck here for two more days I might as well continue to miss him.

Molly hit a deer. While driving my car. :( It's totaled. I'm taking it surprisingly well. Much better than I'm taking my break up. Telling my dad is going to be a major headache though. I'm not sure he'll replace the car, but I really don't care right now. I just can't get myself out of this funk. I've been walking through the days like a mummy...just going through the motions waiting for something to bring me back to life.

Everything reminds me of him. I was sitting in the dining hall studying this morning and two guys were discussing a football game, which made me think of baseball, which made me think of the Philly's games, which made me think of Josh. I was thinking of the game we went to for Lauren's birthday. He was trying to talk me into climbing over the bleachers and I was scared I'd fall. He promised to catch me if I fell. I remember wondering if it was some sort of play on words...and why isn't he here to catch me now? He's the person I run to when my world is falling apart, but I can't run to him this time.

Molly and I were studying together last night when Molly's cell rang. She looked at it and put it away. She had a weird look on her face so I asked her who it was. She said "nobody," and I knew it was Josh calling her. I asked her again this morning but she wouldn't tell me so I know for sure that it was him. Who else would be calling that would make her get all weird like that?

I came to a decision today as I was walking back to the dorm after my exam. I'm going to Florida tomorrow. Another detail I need to discuss with my dad. I called him an hour ago - I wish he'd call me back already. I want to buy my ticket. I need to get out of Dodge. I just feel so restless here. I can't stay here past Saturday and I'm not comfortable going back to Pennsylvania right now. I really don't want to see any one from Josh's family. It would be too hard. In Florida I can hide away and try to get myself together without everyone watching. The people there don't know enough about Josh to be asking lots of questions. I don't want to answer questions. I don't even want to think about him. I just want to plop myself down on a lounge chair and sit in the sun and forget all about him and everything that's happened the past two years. I want him out of my system.

I am so lucky I've done well this semester because I'm afraid I've screwed up both of my finals so far. I have one more tomorrow and then I'm done. I have been really trying to focus and get my act together but I can't stop thinking about Josh. I wonder if Laura has moved in on him yet. I'm sure she's been sitting on the sidelines waiting to pounce for months now.

I have been holding it together pretty well this week. I got up yesterday morning and spent the entire morning at the library studying for my exam. I took the test and then it was on to studying for the second exam. Now that that one is over I am going to focus on the third until I'm finished tomorrow afternoon. Then I'll probably have a nervous breakdown.

I was planning to go back to Pennsylvania for a few days before I leave for Florida but now I'm planning to stay at school until campus closes on Friday. After that I'll meet Aunt Lu in PA and we'll fly down to Florida. I just can't spend a lot of time in PA right now. I don't want to run into Josh's family. I don't want to look out the window and see his house and his room. And I definitely don't want to accidentally run into him - even if the odds are against that happening. I just can't deal with it now.

Josh and I broke up Friday night...and we're not getting back together. I thought maybe that he'd call yesterday or today but I haven't heard anything. I guess I really didn't expect him to call. We left things pretty final on Friday. I don't know...I kind of did. I kind of didn't. I'm just having a hard time processing that it's over.

He came over on Friday and started telling me we need a break. He said if we don't take some time now, we'll end up hating each other. He said he needs space before we ruin things completely. I told him that we need to work things out or break up completely. I don't want to be phased out, and I don't want him to pull the band-aid off slowly. If it's over, it should be over. Why prolong it? He said he doesn't think we can work things out right now, and that was it. All that we had was gone.

So here I am two days later. I've hardly eaten. I've hardly slept. My eyes are so heavy and tired from no sleep and lots of crying. I have to study for finals and I can't seem to do anything but replay our conversation over in my head. I feel like I'm just stuck in that moment and I can't get out. I can't get past it. I just keep replaying it. What if I said something differently? What if I begged him to stay? What if I had agreed to a break instead of a break up?

I keep replaying it looking for clues to how he felt. He just seemed so tired. Was he tired of me? Was he tired of fighting? Was he tired of trying so hard? When did it happen? When did he decide that things couldn't be worked out? When did he decide that he'd be better off without me? Did he stop loving me? Why did he lose faith? I just keep imagining his eyes and the look on his face wishing I could get more from it.

Pretty much everything since I've moved north from Florida has been about Josh! Now what? What do I do? I can't get myself motivated. Molly and Nat wanted to take me out last night but I just couldn't. I just couldn't pretend to be okay. Molly told me that I have until Monday to mope. But that's tomorrow! How am I going to pull myself together enough to get through finals? And I can't even think about Christmas. The idea of it is way too much for me to handle. I can't even write anymore about it, because every time I think about Christmas I just break down. How can I have a Christmas without Josh?

I don't know what to do anymore. I'm so frustrated and I just can't take it. I just logged off IM because the conversation I was having with Josh was going quickly downhill.

It started last night when we went out to dinner. We ran in to Jordan and Josh was a complete jerk to him. I don't understand why Josh feels so threatened by him. I have no romantic interests in Jordan and still Josh feels like he's a threat!

If anyone should feel angry or threatened it's me with that Laura girl hanging all over him. On Thanksgiving she and Jen tagged along to the Macy's parade with us and she was making eyes at him the whole time. I didn't freak out. I didn't cause a commotion, but it annoyed me and now I'm really fired up because he keeps harping on me about Jordan! GGGGGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! I'm so annoyed.

And then just now we're on IM and he was asking me what I did after class today. I said that I stopped by the dance studio and he started grilling me on if I saw Jordan, if I'm going to continue dancing with Jordan. I finally told him that I wasn't going to fight over IM and logged off.

I just can't keep fighting with him. I want what we used to have...I used to look at Josh and he knew what I was thinking. Now it feels like I could right a book, word-for-word detailing every thought and emotion and he still wouldn't get it.

How did we get here? That's what I don't understand. How did something so right go so wrong? We can't seem to be together, and yet the thought of being apart is too much to bear. Last night I was lying in bed thinking back on our relationship. All of the times he's showed up for me...all of the sweet words, sexy smiles and flirty eyes...all of the secrets I've told him...and it's come to this, frustration and tears and an aching that won't go away.

All assignments due tomorrow are done!!! Yippie! It's my last day of classes and then we have a week of finals. I can't wait until it's all finished and I can start relaxing! :)

Josh had to go home this afternoon so he's going to meet me for dinner before heading back to New York. Even though things are kind of weird between us, I'm still excited to see him. I miss him.

So I already found out that one of the psychic's predictions are true! Alex is going abroad next semester to study in Australia. I'm so jealous. I would love to go to Australia. I got an email from Alex letting me know his plans. He's going to Hawaii to spend Christmas with his parents and then to Australia.

So does that mean that her other predictions are correct? I'm a little worried about the health issue that someone close to me is going to have. I wish I had asked her more...is it a serious health issue? I'm so scared that it's going to be Aunt Lu with the health issue.

Well, Josh just called and said he's here so I've got to go. More to come...

This afternoon Molly, Nat, Amanda and I decided that we needed a break from all of the studying so we went in to town and got psychic readings. It was interesting...I don't know what to make of it. I'm curious about those things and read my horoscope from time to time, but I wouldn't say I'm really a true believer. When we started she told me to concentrate on a few things that I wanted to know about so I thought about Josh, dancing, and my roommate situation.

She said that I feel like I'm being pulled in different directions, by my family, by my friends, and by my love. Could that be any more accurate?

She said that what I want right now is an easy solution to a problem, but that in life things don't always resolve themselves easily and that this is a time of change for me. She said that change is coming, and I probably won't like it right away, but in the end it will all work out.

She said that I lack confidence and doubt my abilities, and that I shouldn't because I have a lot going for me. She told me I can't let my fears hold me back and that I should search for my courage and self-belief because they are the keys to my success.

This is all true but I wanted something more specific so I asked her to tell me more. She said that someone I love would leave the country for awhile and I wouldn't see them but that they would be thinking of me while they were gone.

She said that my soul mate is in my life but we would have a lot of stops and starts before finally getting together. She said that geography will play a role in keeping us apart - so I'm thinking he's the one going out of the country. But I wonder what that says about me and Josh? Is he my soul mate? Where would he be going that's out of the country? And geography has been keeping us apart for a long time - not seriously damaging our relationship but it does play a major role. Hmmm...

She said that someone in my life is dealing with a health issue, and that it's going to bring us closer.

She told me there is heartache coming my way, but in the big picture it would be minor, and just something that I have to go through.

Interesting...I guess only time will tell how accurate she is.

My head has been in the books non-stop and I'm desperate for a reprieve. Molly and I sat in Starbucks last night studying and gulping down coffee because we knew it was going to be a long night. Once Starbucks closed we were forced back to campus where we studied some more and drank less than stellar coffee until our brains could take no more.

I'm kind of enjoying this mad rush to finish papers and study for exams. It's distracting. As great as Thanksgiving was, and the night at the Rainbow Room, I'm having a hard time pretending that things with Josh are back to perfect. There's still something...I don't know..."off." I want so badly for things to be the way they used to be. I'm trying so hard to find my way back to him, but something is missing. And I don't know what it is, because I still love him like crazy. He's my first love, and my best friend. I'm lost without him, but I'm lost with him too. Why can't we get this right?

So much for distraction. I guess this is what happens when I stop studying. I start letting my heart think instead of my brain, and that always inevitably leads me back to Josh.

Finally...a moment to blog. :) Things have been busy. Classes are starting to wind down and I have so much school work to do. My mind is in Christmas-mode so I'm struggling to concentrate on school. Classes end on Friday and then I have finals. All of my finals are in the first few days of finals so I'll be finished early.

I'm going down to Florida for Christmas. I hesitated about it at first by Aunt Lu agreed to go down with me. I'm going to miss the Anderson's Christmas Eve party - I think that's the worst part of going - but my mom really wants me home. Since I skipped out on the family festivities last year I figured I had better go.

Not much else to report on right now. I should probably get back to my paper.

I'm blogging from the Big Apple. I drove up last night after my last class. Driving into the city was a little scary and I was driving Josh's car so it was a little different than what I'm used to. I got here safe and sound so I guess that's the most important thing and we won't have to worry about jumping on a train Thursday morning after the parade.

I can't believe I'm going to see the Macy's Parade live. All those years of watching it on TV and dreaming about visiting New York and now I'm here and I'm going to see it in person! It's so exciting.

Josh has class today so I'm just hanging out...pretending I'm a New Yorker. :) Jen's last class ends around noon so we're going to spend the afternoon together. I think we're going to go up to Midtown for some shopping.

That's all for now!

My friends thought I was a complete idiot and up until about 8:25 Saturday night I was agreeing with them. Maybe I should start at the beginning...

Thursday night I was out with Molly searching for a dress to wear to the outing with my parents to the Rainbow Room. I found an amazing green dress that made my eyes pop and all I could think about was how Josh would never see me in it. Molly kept urging me to call him so when we got home that night I did. Except I didn't do exactly what Molly suggested. Instead I left him a message telling him to show up at the Rainbow Room if he still cares about me.

By Friday morning I was a nervous wreck. No returned calls from Josh. I told him he didn't have to call me back, he should just show up or not show up. Why did I do that? I considered calling him again but I was afraid I'd look too pathetic.

So Friday night Molly and I took the train up to Manhattan. My parents had rented me a room at their hotel so I figured Molly could come up with me. We all went out to dinner and then Molly and I walked around town. Well, we walked around down town. We basically walked around the NYU area so that I could bump into Josh. I didn't admit this to Molly but she knew. And she was kind enough not to give me grief for being such a crazy person.

Anyway, we didn't run into Josh but I did drop my cell phone into a grate in the street. Bye-bye cell phone. I had to have the service stopped so that no one would use the phone. I was really freaking out because if Josh did try to call I couldn't answer or retrieve messages. I felt like the cards were stacking up against me.

Saturday came and Molly went back to New Jersey. Mom and I had manicures and our hair done. It would have been a great day if I hadn't been freaking out over whether or not Josh would show.

So the evening comes and I walk in to the Rainbow Room. The place is amazing. The view of the city was awesome. You could look out and see the Empire State Building and it looked like it was just next door (even though it's like 15 blocks away!). The band was playing and all I could think about was Josh and whether he would show up.

So I sit down with the parents and the business people my dad was smoozing with and time started ticking. No Josh. I had pretty much resigned myself to the fact that he wasn't coming. I borrowed my mom's cell phone and walked out by the elevators to call Molly.

I was on the phone with her telling her that Josh wasn't there. That he wasn't coming. That he didn't love me anymore. And then I turned and there he was. Standing there. Looking so perfect. I don't even know what was next. I know I mumbled something in to the phone and hung up and that the next thing I knew I was fighting back tears and telling Josh that I totally didn't deserve him and I couldn't believe he was there.

He told me not to mess up my perfect face with tears and explained to me that he was late because when he woke up that morning he realized his suit was in Pennsylvania. He went all the way home to get that suit! He looked a little exasperated and told me he'd been trying to call me all day.

So we went and sat down and I tried to enjoy myself through dinner but I was pretty emotional. I was afraid I'd start crying at the drop of a hat. Just the thought of Josh rushing all over the tri-state area for me made me realize what a jerk I've been. What guy would do all of that for a girl who has blown him off, accused him of cheating and just been an all around brat?

Now don't get me wrong. Just because he was there doesn't mean he was all warm and fuzzy. He mostly talked to my dad's business partner through dinner, but just the fact that he came meant to much to me.

After dinner we danced and I apologized. He warmed up after that. We didn't stay too much longer. We went outside and walked around Rockefeller Plaza. We talked some things out. It was good. I convinced him to stay with me at the hotel so we had to go back to the dorm to get some things.

Keith, Jen and Laura were all there when we arrived. Laura looked shocked and annoyed to see me. I have to admit that I was a little happy to see her look so annoyed. Especially since I looked pretty good in my dress with my hair and makeup professionally done.

I stayed in New York all day yesterday. I'm going back up tomorrow to hang out with Josh until we head down to Pennsylvania on Thanksgiving. Well, now that I'm finished writing my "novel" here I should get going. I have a piano lesson this afternoon and I've barely practiced!

The weekend and the dance competition were amazing. We didn't win or anything. We didn't even place in the top 25% but it was so cool to do something that I've always wanted to do.

Unfortunately the fun and euphoria of the weekend came to an end as reality has come crashing down on me. First of all, Josh and I still aren't talking. I don't want it this way. I love him. I don't want to lose him. I wanted so badly to call him Saturday night and tell him all about the competition but how could I? I told him not to come. I told him that I didn't want him there. I don't know how I'm going to get things back on track. Things just feel so broken now.

And then I get a call from my mom this morning. She and my father are flying up to New York on Friday so that my dad can meet with some business associate. They invited Josh and I to join them for some shmoozing dinner on Saturday. I couldn't bring myself to tell her that Josh and I aren't even talking. And this place that we're going to is like evening gown attire type of place. I would love to go. I'd love to go with Josh but I'm too scared to talk to him.

What if he hangs up on me? What if he breaks up with me? What if we're already broken up and I just don't know it? What if things end like Logan and Rory on the "Gilmore Girls" where Rory gets a phone call from his sister and finds out from her that Logan has broken up with her? What if Lauren calls me? I'm just not going to pick up the phone if Lauren calls.

Okay, I need to breathe and come up with a plan: a plan to win back Josh. I cannot let Laura win. I can't let him go without a fight. I love him and he's one of the most important people in my life. If there's a chance I will take it. I have to take it. I just need to figure out how.

Tomorrow's the big day! Send me good vibes. Jordan and I have been working so hard for this. In fact, I have to cut this real short. I'm supposed to meet him in 45 minutes. Send me lots of dance spectacular, forget about Josh vibes.

Just got back to my room. It's miserable out there and I have to go back out for rehearsal. I talked to Josh last night and I'm feeling worse than the Republicans this morning.

I told him I don't like him hanging out with Laura. He told me that he doesn't like me hanging out with Jordan. We just were going around in circles. I told him if he has such a problem with me dancing with Jordan that he should just not come to the competition on Saturday.

Now I feel horrible. I want him there! I don't know what to do. I can't call him. The whole thing is just so messed up and out of hand.

I voted for the first time today. I had to drive back to Pennsylvania since that's my permanent address. Aunt Lu suggested that I get an Absentee Ballot but I wanted to go to the polls and do it myself. I was kind of disappointed that they got rid of the lever. I really wanted to pull the lever. Instead they had these buttons you push - not quite as exciting as the lever. Oh well. I did my civic duty.

I called Jen this afternoon. She confirmed that she was invited to Vermont and that it wasn't just Laura and Josh going. She also told me that if anything had happened between Josh and Laura she would have heard about it from Laura. So I guess I can believe that Josh wasn't cheating on me, but I'm still angry at him. He knows I'm not comfortable with him spending so much time with Laura and he did it anyway. It's like the thing with Kelly all over again!

He's supposed to call me later tonight. We played phone tag last night - actually, I have to admit that I called him back when I knew he wouldn't be available. I just wasn't ready to talk yet. So I'll hear what he has to say for himself later I guess.

Well, I need to go. I've got to meet Jordan for rehearsals.

I got a call from Lindsay last night who informed me that my boyfriend took Laura to Vermont with him! I asked Lindsay how she knew about this and she said Jennifer wrote it in her blog. So I tried to find Jen's blog (Lindsay didn't want to give me the address, which I think is totally weird)and then I tried to get in touch with Jennifer but she didn't call me back. Finally I just called Josh and he admitted that he took Laura with him - like it was no big deal! We got into a huge fight over the phone. It was horrible. He said there were tons of people up there and that he invited Jen and Laura to go along and Jen couldn't go. He said that there was no reason for me to feel threatened by Laura - but I do. The girl wants him. She doesn't even try to hide it and I don't think it's a good idea for her to be going away for the weekend with him - even if it's a group thing.

I spent the whole night crying on Molly's shoulder, and then at rehearsal this morning I couldn't concentrate. Jordan asked me what was going on and I started crying. I just couldn't hold it in anymore. I thought he was going to get mad at me, but he was actually really sweet. I told him what was going on and he helped me get it out of my system so we could get back to business. It was tough though. I'm just so torn apart right now. I feel like Josh is gone, like I've lost him and we're over.

I decided not to blow off rehearsals. The competition is a week from Saturday. It would have been completely foolish for me to run off to Vermont this weekend.

So I'm here in New Jersey and Josh is on his way to Vermont. We haven't spoken since the other day, and I feel horrible about it. But I thought about it and I've realized that I have spent too much time thinking about him, going out of my way to see him, going out of my way to be everything he wants, and now it's time to go out of my way for me. I want to dance. I want to develop my talent. I want to compete and this is where I start. I can't give up now. I'd be letting Jordan down and I'd be letting myself down. And I know Josh doesn't want the type of girl who would give up her own dreams for someone else.

I talked to Jordan last night. He reminded me how much work goes in to dance competitions, and how if I want it I have to be willing to work for it. It was a half hour pep talk and it reminded me that I can't just be running around having fun all of the time. If I want to dance I have to work, and I have to work hard. So that's what I'm going to do. Tonight we're going to rehearse. Tomorrow we're going to rehearse. Sunday we're going to rehearse. And when next Saturday comes I will know that I put everything I have into this.

I'm not feeling so great this morning. I'm just really frustrated about the way things are going with Josh. I don't want it to be like this. I miss him. I miss us - but things aren't the same. I was so hopeful that things would get back on track after last weekend but then we were quickly derailed again.

I'm thinking of blowing off rehearsals to go to Vermont. I'm so torn. Where do I invest? Do I put my time into my dancing? Or do I put my time in with the person that means the world to me?

I don't want to lose him. He's my best friend. He's the person I see myself with. I know it sounds crazy since I'm only 18, but when I picture my future I see him in it. I can't imagine him not in it. We're obviously not quite to the point in our lives where we're going to get settled down, but when I think to the future he's the person I see standing next to me. I don't want to lose that. I don't want to lose him, and I feel us slipping away.

Just had another fight with Josh. I just can't take this anymore. I feel like I'm on an emotional roller coaster ride. One minute things are great and I'm up. The next minute we're angry and hurt and I'm down. I just wish things could be normal again.

The thing is that he's not supportive of all of the time I'm putting into dancing. He doesn't like me spending so much time with Jordan, and he thinks my weekends should be dedicated to him. The fight today was over this weekend. He wants me to go up to Keith's aunt's cabin in Vermont. Well, that's like a 6 hour drive from here and I have to rehearse this weekend. I can't spend a total of 12 hours in the car + time there when I need to be dancing and doing school work. Not to mention I'm trying to learn the piano and it would be nice if I could fit that into the schedule as well! He's so unreasonable about it. He acts like I'm trying to ruin his life! I'm not trying to ruin his life - I'm just trying to fit as much as I can into mine, and right now, a trip to Vermont doesn't fit.

Okay, rant over. I have to run to rehearsal. Hopefully dancing will help me shake off some of the tension.

The weekend turned out to be a lot of fun after all. Friday night was Girl's Night. Molly, Nat, Amanda, Kelly and I went out on the town. We actually had a really great night. Molly and Nat were pleasant to one another and everyone seemed happy.

Saturday I stopped rehearsal a little early to go up to New York. Josh was supposed to come down to visit me but there was a Halloween party up there so I went up. I was reluctant about losing rehearsal time but in the end it was worth it. This was the first time in a long time that Josh and I felt like Josh and I. There were no fights, no awkwardness. It was just a fun weekend.

I feel so much better now. Things seem better between Mol and Nat, and things are definitely better between me and Josh.

Molly and I went to Starbucks last night to talk. I was complaining that Josh doesn't care about my feelings (because of our fight over Laura) and Molly said something like, "well, for someone who doesn't care about your feelings, he's sure looking out for you." I asked her what she was talking about and she told me that he called her on Monday. He told her that she and Natalie were putting me in a really awkward position and that the two of them need to stop fighting. Molly apologized for being such a jerk. I was shocked...shocked at Josh for saying something and shocked that Molly acknowledged that it's been really hard for me to be stuck in the middle of my two best friends.

So that was interesting. When I got home I watched "Dancing With the Stars" and saw that they did a cha cha to "Billie Jean." It wasn't as great the the cha cha that Alex and I did, but I enjoyed it. I haven't been watching as closely as I would have liked. My life is just so busy right now that I don't have much time for TV, but I try to catch it whenever I can. I learn a lot by watching others.

I have another jam-packed, yet uneventful weekend planned. Mostly dance rehearsals. Josh is supposed to come down on Saturday, but since things are still weird between us I don't know what's going to happen. I guess I should give him a call and find out.

That's all for now...NB

So Josh finally called last night. I know I could have called him but I was being stubborn and I felt like I deserved an apology. That’s not exactly what I got. He was basically like, “I guess we’ll have to agree to disagree.” I know he wants to make up but he didn’t apologize and I deserve that. Nothing has pointed towards Jordan having feelings for me, and yet, all signs point to Laura being after Josh. She even told Jennifer that it’s okay to go after another girl’s boyfriend. I’m getting angry all over again.

Josh and I aren’t seeing eye to eye on this at all and it’s really disappointing. I thought he was supposed to be on my side, but instead he’s defending Laura! And then throwing out these wild accusations about Jordan.

What am I supposed to do? Should I forget my love of dancing because Josh feels threatened by my dance partner? It doesn’t seem right. Jordan is nothing but professional. He has never once suggested anything that would lead me to believe he wants more than a dancing relationship. I think Josh is grasping at straws because he doesn’t want to be wrong. I just don’t know how to handle it.

I had a frustrating weekend. Well, Saturday night and Sunday... I went up to the city on Saturday to see Josh. His friends were playing so we went to hear them. Keith, Jen and Laura were all there and Laura kept hanging around Josh the whole night. She was giggly and flushed around him like on the camping trip. I don't like it.

Then Jennifer, Laura and I were talking about Jen's crush - a guy who has a girlfriend - and Laura was encouraging her to try to break them up! I was furious. I can't believe she thinks it's okay to break up a relationship! Is that her plan for me and Josh?

So I told Josh that I wasn't happy about this girl's attitude and we got into a huge fight. We were outside of the dorm, in the freezing cold, in the middle of the night arguing. It was not good.

He thinks I don't spend enough time with him. He doesn't like that I spend so much time with Jordan. I tried to explain that it's not about Jordan - it's about dancing but Josh doesn't get it. I told him that Jordan and I are dance partners - that's it. His response was that he and Laura are just friends - that's it.

We finally went to sleep around 3 a.m. but I was still angry and the fight just continued on Sunday morning. I finally decided that I wasn't going to keep going over it so I came home. We haven't spoken since, and I don't feel like I owe him any apology or anything else. I saw first hand the way that girl operates and instead of talking to me about it, he turns the whole thing around and makes it about Jordan - a guy who has shown no interest in me whatsoever! Grrr... I am so mad right now. He better call soon and apologize or I am so done with him. Grrrrr!!!!!!!!!

Last night was just what I needed. Dinner with Aunt Lu, got my school work done, watched "Dancing With The Stars" and talked to Josh on the phone for a while. He apologized for giving me a hard time about all my rehearsing. I'm going to go up to New York Saturday night to spend some time with him. I figure that will give me time to rehearse during the day on Saturday and Amanda invited me to go out with her and some of her friends Friday night.

Now if only I could get Molly and Natalie to straighten out. It's time to put all of this nonsense to rest and start acting like civilized people. I'm tired of the bickering. It's wearing on me and it's upsetting Amanda too. I feel bad for her more than anyone else because she's basically and outsider who got trapped with me and my two best friends. Why can't we all get along?

Well, I need to get moving. I have to get back to New Jersey in time for my afternoon classes.

I'm feeling pulled in so many different directions right now. Everyone wants a piece of my time and I just don't have it to give. I am so busy rehearsing and trying to do a good job in my classes that I just don't have any time to spare. Molly and Natalie give me a hard time and now Josh is unhappy with me too. It's so disappointing. I thought Josh of all people would understand why I need to dedicate myself to my craft. He spends hours a day with his piano!

I'm so frustrated. All of these people in my life not getting along and not supporting me is just becoming too much. I'm tired of everyone fighting. I'm actually going home to Pennsylvania for the night because I need to get away for a little while. I'm just going to hide out there until tomorrow morning. I can study and get away from all the drama. Maybe I'll even squeeze in tonight's episode of "Dancing With The Stars."

Well, I should log off. I want to stop at the library before heading back to PA.

I know...I've been a slacker about posting but I've been rehearsing non-stop. It's taking up so much of my time. The good news is that all the hard work paid off. We're going to be competing! I'm so excited. I think Jordan was a little surprised that I pulled it off. I think he thought I was just some amateur that he'd work with on his way to bigger and better things. Well, now he's stuck with me - at least for this competition.

I've spent so much time rehearsing that I haven't seen most of my friends. Kind of a good thing since Molly and Natalie are still driving me a little crazy. I rarely see Nat. She's always out, but when she's around she's complaining about Molly. I see Mol a lot more but she's always complaining about Natalie. It's such stupid stuff. It drives me nuts because if they could get over the jealousy thing they would probably be great friends. Arrrgggghhhhh!!!!!!!!

Camping was...hmm, interesting? We found out that Lauren and Terry are no longer dating. I think that made Jen feel better about things. I got to hang out with Alex. He told me that he thinks he's going to break up with Alicia. It's a shame but I kind of saw it coming. He goes to school in Connecticut now. His family no longer lives in or near PA so he doesn't go back there. There's just nothing holding them together any more.

I got to spend some time with Josh which was nice. I think Jen's roommate, Laura, has a crush on him. I got up early that Saturday morning and Josh and Laura were outside getting breakfast ready. I don't know what they were talking about but they were laughing and Laura touched his arm playfully. Something about it sent up a red flag. Plus she was all flushed and giggly when she was around him. I don't like it. I don't think he'd dump me for her, but I don't like it.

Well that's what's going on with me. Gotta run and do some homework. After all, that is why I'm in college, right? More later - NB.

Just got home from more rehearsals but I'm feeling good about things and feeling better about the camping trip. I'm looking forward to seeing Alex. Our friendship lately has been reduced to one line emails and text messages. I don't want it to be that way and I'm so scared that with his family living in Hawaii now and him in Connecticut that we'll grow apart. I'm so looking forward to hanging out with him.

It should be an interesting weekend...we have an interesting mix of people coming. Lauren and Alicia are coming from home. Molly and I are bringing Natalie and Amanda with us. Jason and Kelly will both be there even though they don't speak to one another anymore. Josh is bringing Keith. Jen is bringing Laura. And Alex will be there. I wonder how all of these different people will mix. Especially Jason and Kelly, and Lauren and Jennifer. I have a feeling this will not be a boring weekend. Well, I'm picking up the New York crew at the train station in forty minutes so I should probably get moving. Will provide full details of the weekend on Monday!

I have been dancing nonstop for the past four days. Well, I have set aside some time for sleep, school and eating, but Jordan and I have been working really hard so that we can compete. I'm going camping this weekend and it's adding more stress. I feel like I should be here working but I don't want to let my friends down. But will I be letting myself down if I'm not good enough to go on to the competition? I hope that between tomorrow and Friday I'll feel more confident about my moves.

Ballet class is okay. All the girls are like sticks. I feel chunky next to them. I've never felt chunky before. It's like dancing with a bunch of Calista Flockharts. I know in my head that I don't want to be unhealthy or look like the wind will knock me over, but it's kind of weird to feel big when I've always been small. I don't know. I'm probably just being stupid.

Well, I should go. I need to study and sleep.

I went up to New York Wednesday night to spend some time with Josh. We had dinner and then went out with some of his friends. He's gotten friendly with the drummer of a band so we went to see them perform. It was fun. I got to see Jennifer and catch up with her a little.

One of the perks of having early morning Wednesday classes and late afternoon Thursday classes is that I can go up to New York after class on Wednesday and be back in time the next day for my afternoon classes. Not that I'll be doing that every week but it's nice to know I can get up there to see Josh if I want to.

I'm actually going to see him tonight. He's probably already in town. I was rehearsing with Jordan all afternoon so Jason picked him up. Molly, Natalie, and I are going to meet them for dinner. I tried to talk Amanda into coming but she wanted to go home for the weekend. I was a little worried she was leaving on account of Josh staying over but she said she likes to go home. I guess it must be weird to be in college when all of your friends are still in high school. She said she wanted to go to a football game tonight. She's lucky she's so close to home.

I found a piano teacher - one of the students from the choir college. She seems really cool and she's supposedly a great teacher. Josh and I are going to go shopping for a keyboard tomorrow. My dad agreed to help me pay for it. I hate to ask him for money but since school and dancing are taking up so much time, I don't have a job or extra funds.

Anyway, I should go. It's almost time to leave for the restaurant. More later...NB.

So I went out this morning and bought ballet slippers. Yep, I sucked it up and went to the first class tonight. It's probably way past time that I actually did it. I just never really had the interest in it, but if it's going to help me be a better ballroom dancer than it will be worth it. So now I'm winding down with "Dancing With The Stars" - I love this show! I'm still a "Super Mario" fan but the judges were right - great performance but not enough quick step.

So Natalie met a guy over the weekend and it's distracted her from hating Molly. I hope this guy sticks around - anything to keep the two of them from driving me insane. All of the negativity just makes me not want to be around them. I've been so busy though with dancing that I'm not around that much.

I'm also thinking about taking piano lessons. After watching and listening to Josh play for the past two and a half years I've decided that I want to play too. Now I just have to get up the nerve to ask my dad for the money to buy a keyboard. Josh says that I should get one with weighted keys so that I'm used to the weight of piano keys. Of course that makes it more expensive. I wonder if my father will actually go for this.

Well, I should sign off. I need to fold clothes and iron so that I have something to wear tomorrow!

After my last class I ran over to the dance studio to meet with Jordan. We're both in to the Latin dances so we decided that's what we'll focus on. We worked on the Rhumba and Cha Cha. We have to have a dance prepared by Oct. 5th so that only gives us a little over two weeks to get everything ready, but the dance studio picks the best dancers to send to competition.

I'm also enrolled in a Latin class on Thursday nights. Jordan thinks I should sign up for a ballet class. Mona has told me this before. And my mom tells me this all the time, but ballet has never been my thing. Jordan said that it will improve my lines. I know he's right, I just don't have much of an interest in it. He circled the Tuesday night class on the schedule and handed it to me as I walked out. I guess I'll be taking ballet too. I just don't see myself as a ballet dancer, but Jordan seems to know what he's talking about, and if it could make me a better ballroom dancer than I guess it will be worth it.

Not much else to report. I have to meet with some classmates tonight. I have my first test next week in my math class and the TA offered to get together with us on Monday nights to go over problems. Since math is not my strongest subject I figured it would be a good idea.

I just got back from rehearsing with Jordan. It's so nice to really dance like that again. All of the dancing I've been doing has been to demonstrate the steps to others in dance classes. I haven't gotten to seriously dance for awhile - and definitely not with the kind of partner that Jordan is. I'm just so excited about this!

Anyway, the weekend with the parents really wasn't as bad as I expected. Dinner was good on Friday. We went to a fancy restaurant in Princeton and Natalie helped me keep my sanity with my dad.

Josh came into town last night and had dinner with us. We were supposed to have a romantic weekend up in New York but I had to change things around because my parents came up. He was a good sport about it and Amanda went home for the weekend so he could crash in our room.

We have a camping trip planned for two weeks from now. I'm so excited about it. Alex is going to meet up with us. I can't wait to see him!

I met Jordan last night at the dance studio. We took a swing class together. It was a blast. It's been a long time since I've danced with a partner like him. He is fabulous and he thinks the chemistry is right between us! I'm so excited. We're going to meet on Sunday to choose a song and then we'll start rehearsals. I have been waiting so long to compete and it's finally going to happen! I'm also going to audition for the University Dance team. It's just so cool to finally have a place to do all of these things again.

My parents should be arriving in Newark as I write. They're getting a rental car and driving down. Aunt Lu is going to drive up and meet all of us for dinner tonight. Natalie is coming with us. I think that's annoying Molly a little, but my mom called and Nat answered so my mom invited her. Nat's been my best friend since we were babies so it was only natural for my mom to invite her. Besides, Molly is going out with Kelly tonight to some Princeton party. Maybe I'm just making excuses.

I just wish Molly and Natalie could get past the whole who's my best friend thing and be friends with each other. I think that if they met without me being involved they'd be great friends. At least I have Amanda. I'm so glad she's my roommate. She's one of the coolest people I've ever met. She's down to earth, smart and incredibly funny. Plus she loves to watch Dancing With the Stars. We've bonded over our lust for Mario. :)

So Josh decided he'll come down tomorrow night to have dinner with my parents. I'm surprised. I really expected him to stay in New York. He doesn't like being around my father, so I know he's doing it for me and that means a lot.

Well, I should clean up before the fam gets here. I don't want Aunt Lu to think I've turned into a complete slob!

I love that I don't have class until after lunch on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Especially today when it's rainy and cold out. I can just stay in my room, enjoy the quiet, and get some studying and blogging done.

I'm also mentally preparing for the weekend. The parental unit is flying up from Florida to see how college life is treating me. I asked them to wait until Family Day but they have to do everything on their timeline. It just annoys me because they decided this last minute and I had to ditch my plans to go up to New York. And Josh isn't thrilled about coming down here and spending the weekend with my parents. I don't blame him. My dad is always a jerk to him. So I'm not sure if Josh is coming down or not.

Things with Molly and Natalie haven't progressed at all. They are still making little comments to me behind each other's backs. They don't just come out and say anything. Everything is just a little jab at the other. I wish they would grow up and get along.

Well, I've procrastinated enough. I have some chapters to read and a paper to write for tomorrow so I better get to it. More later...NB

I stopped by the dance studio in town after my last class today. I talked to the owner and he told me that they are having a local dance competition in December and he told me he knows of a dancer who's looking for a partner. He gave me the guy's number so I called him and we're going to meet tomorrow night at the dance studio. His name is Jordan and he suggested we take a dance class tomorrow night together to see if we have chemistry. I'm so excited. I really want to do some dance competitions and this will be a great way to ease in to it! I hope things work out.

Last night I came to the conclusion that Mario Lopez is super hot. Amanda, Molly and I watched the premiere of "Dancing With The Stars" and Mario was fantastic! I personally was always a Zack girl, but now I'm an A.C. Slater girl. ;)

Anyway, I should study so that I can watch part 2 tonight.

The feeling of today is...I don't know, weird. I can't quite put it into words. It's like half of the people around here are sad and reflecting on the events of five years ago, and the other half are walking around like today is nothing. We observed a moment of silence in my first class this morning. I went to a remembrance ceremony this afternoon. I still remember being in junior high and hearing about the terrorist attacks. All of us in Sarasota felt connected to the events because President Bush was in town that morning. Even though we were hundreds of miles away we felt the weight of what was happening. Even as a young teen I knew this was something big. It's scary to think that something could still happen.

On a lighter note...

While I was home this weekend I stopped by the dance studio to see Mona. She gave me the name of a dance studio here to check out. I'd really like to find a studio that competes in dance competitions. I'm going over there on Wednesday to see what they are all about and what I need to do to join.

Things here at school are slowly starting to feel more normal. I love Amanda. She is so easy to get along with. I wish my two best friends were so easy to deal with. They both complain to me about the other. It's really annoying. I've known Natalie my whole life and she was always there for me when my parents fought or my dad was drunk. Her family let me into their home and lives when I need them most. Of course I'm going to be loyal to her, but I'm loyal to Molly too. She befriended me and made me feel part of things when I moved up north. She sat and listened as I cried over Josh. She gave me pep talks when I needed them and showed me that life in Pennsylvania wasn't that bad after all. How can I choose between them? Why do I have to? I understand their insecurities, but I don't know how to make them see that I love both of them. I feel like I can't win.

I'm officially a college student now. Yesterday we so weird. I had three classes back to back from 8 until 11 and then I was done. The rest of the day - done. So bizar! It feels kind of like I'm on vacation, like I'm going to go back home, like this is temporary. I'm sure after a few weeks things will feel more normal.

My roommate is named Amanda. She's 17 and graduated from high school a year early. She's kind of shy but seems really nice. Molly and Nat are in the other room in our suite. They seem to be getting along okay so far. I hope it stays that way.

I have two classes today. Both are after lunch. It's so weird to be able to sleep in. It's all just so weird.

Tomorrow night Josh is coming down and we're headed to Pennsylvania. We're finally going to see Jen in "Evita." And I'll get to see Aunt Lu.

I spent the morning at the swim club helping Henry clean up the place. The weather here is absolutely dreadful so the place was completely dead.

Josh is up in New York until Saturday moving into his room. This whole starting school thing is finally happening. Tomorrow we move into our rooms. It should be interesting. I told Molly and Natalie that they are going to have to share a room since I can't decide between the two of them. Neither of them are particularly happy about it but I think they both know it was the only fair solution. I just hope I don't get stuck with some weird girl.

Aunt Lu, Uncle Bill and Aunt Linda are taking me out to dinner tonight to celebrate my birthday. My birthday is actually on Monday but I'll be in New Jersey so we decided to do the family thing tonight. It should be a nice relaxing evening. I need something low key so that I'll be ready for tomorrow.

I don't know why I'm so nervous. I'll have Molly and Natalie there with me...I guess the fact that they are arguing over me is adding to the stress. I keep telling myself that it will all be okay but I'm scared of starting all over again. I'm just afraid that everything will change and not in a good way.

Okay, no more negative thoughts. I've got to stay positive. Everything will be fine. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Well, I feel a little less stressed today. Aunt Linda and Lindsay took me out last night for a get ready for college makeover. We went shopping and got our hair done. I finished off my shopping list for school which was a huge help. Aunt Linda and Lindsay just went through this last year so they knew what I should get and do to be ready. I feel better about things now.

My mom offered to come up this weekend to help me move into my room on Saturday but I told her not to. We're moving in during the day on Saturday and then driving back to Pennsylvania for the end of the season party at the swim club and then on Sunday we're heading down to the shore for the rest of the weekend. Classes don't begin until Wednesday so we figured we have some time to have fun.

The weather has been so dreary since I got back from Florida. It's such a disappointment. I wanted to enjoy my last week at the swim club but it's cold and wet. I didn't even go to work today because they didn't need me. I hope the sun comes out before the end of the week so we can have one last day of fun.

It has hit me that I am starting college in a week. I'm totally unprepared. I've gone through the motions of getting things done but I haven't really faced reality. I'm moving to a new state AGAIN, starting all over AGAIN. I'm freaking out!

While I was in Florida Natalie and my mom just kept going on and on about starting school. I felt like my head was going to explode. Josh and I talked about it a little and he tried to give me a pep talk but what he doesn't get is that I'm tired. I'm tired of starting over, I'm tired of making a name for myself and proving myself. I know that I sound like a big baby but I'm tired of all the moving around.

I guess the one good thing is that my two best friends are going with me. I just hope that they can behave themselves and stop bickering about who is my "real" best friend. It's just adding to my stress level and in all honesty Josh is my "real" best friend, but I don't think the university will allow my boyfriend from another university to be my roommate.

Anyway, the trip to Florida was fun. My dad was out of town until Friday night so we didn't see much of him. When he got home he was exhausted and slept most of the day on Saturday. It was a little strange, he usually is constantly going. I guess the business trip wiped him out.

Josh and I spent a lot of time with Nat and we had dinners with my mom. I got to take him out and show him all of my old stomping grounds - we went over to my old high school, my mom's dance studio, my favorite restaurants. It was fun to show him a little piece of my world from my life before him. He seemed like he had a good time. It was so great to get away, but I kept getting this sinking feeling that everything is about to change, that it will never be this way again. What if starting college means losing Josh? What if it means losing every thing I've worked so hard for the past few years: my friends? my relationship with Aunt Lu? my job at the dance studio? I am so stressed!

I probably won't be posting much over the next few days. I have to work tomorrow morning and then Josh and I are flying down to Florida. I am so excited. I had no idea how much I was missing my southern home. I can't wait to see my mom and Natalie. I'm looking forward to meeting her new boyfriend too. I have a laundry list of places to go and things to do. I want to take Josh to the Sarasota Jungle Gardens and Lido Beach. Oh, and Siesta Key...the most amazing beach in the world. I grew up with it. I was spoiled and had no idea how amazing Siesta Key is until I went to some beaches up here. They just don't compare.

I'm going to miss the last night of the dance competition though and that's kind of making me sad. I really wanted to be there but we couldn't get a good flight on Thursday. Anyway, the competition was a big success for the dance studio and generated a lot of interest in dancing. Mona said that she will definitely be doing it again next summer. I also got a nice bonus check from her for helping bring business to the studio with the kids ballroom classes and the dance competition. She told me I should studio dance and business in college so that I can take over the studio some day.

That's all for now. Got a lot of packing to do!

Henry fired Nancy today. Apparently she dropped the f-bomb on one of the kids. I have no idea what prompted it but Henry doesn't put up with that kind of stuff. I can't say I'm all the disappointed that she won't be around, but it's the end of the summer anyway so I wouldn't have spent much time with her anyway.

The funniest thing is that after Henry fired her she called Josh (we were out to lunch together) and started complaining about it. She acted like Henry was unfair and she was wronged! Unbelievable. Josh told her that she shouldn't use that kind of language towards other people - especially a kid! I wish I could have seen her face. I'm glad he didn't sympathize with her.

I talked to Natalie last night and we're planning my weekend in Florida. She wants me to meet her new boyfriend. She said that we can double date. I can't wait. I'm so excited. I forgot how much I miss Florida.

Last night was relaxing. Josh and I walked into town for ice cream. It seems like life got so busy and hectic and like the summer has just gotten away from us. It was nice to step back and do something that's easy and fun. It kind of reminded me of the summer before we started dating when we'd walk in to town together. Things were complicated then, but somehow easy at the same time.

Anyway last night we talked about school. I was telling him about how Molly and Natalie both want to room with me and how I'm feeling pressured by it all. I haven't really thought about it or talked about it. I guess I was afraid that if I put it out there I'd have to deal with it, but it felt good to bounce ideas off of someone and I think I came up with a solution. I'm going to make Molly and Natalie room together and I'll room with the unknown roommate. That way no one gets me. I think it's the only fair thing to do. Josh thought it was a good idea.

When we got back to his house we got a blanket and cuddled under it on the hammock in the Anderson's back yard. I wish this summer would last longer. I want more nights like that. I want simple evenings in Josh's arms. I'm just so worried that once school starts life is going to get really complicated and I'm going to wish I had gone to Columbia or NYU to be closer to him. But there's no turning back now.

Josh and I are going to Florida next week! I'm so excited. Being there will make my mom happy and having Josh there will make me happy. :-) We were both down there at the same time two years ago but this time we'll be there together which means I can show him around and take him to some of my favorite places. And I can't wait to sit on the beach and watch the sunset over the gulf. I'm definitely taking him back to Siesta Key. We had a lot of fun there last time we went. I would like to squeeze in a day at Disney but it's a 2 hour ride each way and I doubt we'll have enough time.

Things have really started to wind down at work. Now that camp is over a lot of the kids are on vacation before school starts so it's been a little quieter. Jen and I worked in the office today with Alasdair. He and Jen have been sort of dating. The guy is completely smitten with her but I get the feeling she's not as interested. I think it's good though...I mean that she has someone in to her, because I'm afraid that if/when she finds out about Lauren and Terry it's going to be a blow to her ego and heart. :(

Natalie was giving me a hard time last night. She wants to room with me at school. The problem? Molly wants to room with me at school. We have a quad with two bedrooms. We have no idea who the fourth person is. It was driving me nuts. No matter what I decide one of them is left out.

Work was fun today. Henry made Nancy and Paula clean out the costume room. Jennifer and I hung out in the office all morning it was great. I also over heard Henry tell Paula and she wouldn't be asked back next summer. I guess she didn't do such a great job after all. But I would have gotten more satisfaction out of him telling Nancy she wouldn't be asked back. The only reason the girl is around is to try to get close to Josh. So annoying.

Things are winding down at the camp but we still have a few weeks before school starts. My mom invited me and Josh down to Florida for a long weekend. We're trying to work out our schedules and I'm pretty sure it will work out. I really hope so because I'd love to sit on the beach with him at sunset. It would be so romantic!

Josh's grandparents are in town. When I walked into the Anderson's house this morning Mrs. Anderson, Josh, and his grandparents were standing around the kitchen and his grandmother was saying, "boys his age are only thinking about sex." I just looked at Josh and he rolled his eyes. Then his grandmother turns to me and says, "Nicole, do you think Terry is too old for Lauren?"

I just looked at them and said, "You know, I think I left something at home." There was no way I wanted to be apart of that conversation.

Mrs. Anderson grabbed my arm and said, "It's okay, honey. You don't need to answer that. Mother, leave Nicole out of this."

Josh's grandmother kept it up, going on about how she thinks Terry is too old for Lauren, and that he's more experienced and Lauren is going to get hurt. Josh looked incredibly uncomfortable. I think he was afraid they would turn on us since he's two years older than me.

I think it's different though. I was a senior when we really started dating - not a junior. And Josh is two years older than me - not three. And Josh isn't the type of guy to make me feel pressured to do things I'm uncomfortable with. I'm not sure Terry is that type of guy.

I think Terry's a nice guy - don't get me wrong - but I know he's a lot more experienced that Lauren and it worries me. I know it worries Josh and Mrs. Anderson too but neither of them were really getting into it with his grandmother.

Anyway, after her diatribe about Lauren and Terry we all went to a food festival. Josh's grandfather likes to cook so we went to a cook off and then had lunch. It turned into a really nice day once all was said and done. I love Josh's grandfather. Josh always told me how cool his grandfather was but I didn't really know him until today. He's the type of guy who just says it like it is, but does it in a gentle way. I really enjoyed talking to him. He's so smart and wise. We talked a lot about Sarasota since they live down in Bradenton during the winter.

Tonight is the staff talent show. I couldn't decide on a song so Josh and I are going to sing "Cruisin'" - we thought it was appropriate since he helped me learn to drive.

Last night was kind of weird with Lauren and Terry. I know she's always thought he was cute but they just don't seem like they go together. And I just don't see him staying with her once school starts again. And they are more than 3 years apart in age. Maybe I'm just worrying. It's just that Lauren is like the sister I never had and I feel protective of her, and since she hasn't had the best luck with guys...especially the older ones. Oh well, she'll have to find out for herself I guess. And who knows? Maybe it will work out.

Mr. Anderson got voted out of the dancing competition last night. I think he's bummed about not being able to compete but a little relieved because he works so much that it's difficult to rehearse. Anyway, we all went out and celebrated a successful run after the show. Terry even came along...

Speaking of which, Lauren told her family about her relationship with Terry. I don't think Mrs. Anderson is thrilled about it. Lauren is a little young for Terry... Josh hasn't really given an opinion on it. We are going out with Lauren and Terry tonight - that should be interesting.

I feel a little weird about it. I feel like I'm betraying Jen. In fact, that's the only thing Josh has said about the situation: that he feels bad about not telling Jennifer. We both feel like she should know but Lauren and Terry want to keep things low key and private. It's just weird. I hope Lauren doesn't end up with a broken heart from all of this. And I really hope Jennifer doesn't find out and freak out.

I told Lauren she has to come clean about her relationship with Terry - at least to Josh. I just don't feel right keeping a secret like that. I told her that she has until tomorrow to tell him. She wasn't happy but I think she understands.

The staff talent show is this Friday night and I still haven't picked a song to sing. I only have three days to pull something together. I keep picking a song and then changing my mind about it. Nothing really speaks to me right now but I'm sure I'll come up with something.

Tonight Molly and I are going to dinner at the restaurant where Josh plays piano. I wanted to see him and the food there is really good - the best Italian in town. Yum!

Well, that's all for now.

I'm ready for a nap, but afraid that if I take one I won't sleep tonight. This morning it was up early and over to work to make sure that the camps were running smoothly since my boss and co-worker don't do a damn thing. Last night was a late night. Henry and I closed the club and then we went out for a bite to eat. I voiced some of my concerns about Paula and Nancy and although he didn't say much, I could tell that he agreed with me. He said he was going to talk to them about keeping up with their work.

After we finished eating Henry was walking me to my car when we bumped into Lauren and Terry - holding hands!!! It wasn't a friendly holding hands, it was a this-is-a-romantic-thing holding hands. I got the feeling that whatever is going on between them is a secret and that they weren't happy to see me or Henry.

Lauren flagged me down at work this morning. She told me that her mother wouldn't approve of her dating a guy three years older and that they didn't want to hurt Jennifer so they are keeping their relationship a secret. Oh boy...

So now I know this secret that I didn't want to know, that they didn't want me to know, and I'm stuck with it. I hate this. I feel like I'm betraying Jennifer by not telling her that the ex has moved on. And I feel like I'm betraying Josh by not telling him that his little sister is dating an older guy. I really hate this.

So my weekend of relaxation is officially over and it's back to the same old stuff. Paula doesn't know how to manage people, Nancy sits on her you-know-what all day and I end up running around taking care of all the camps. Frustrating but Henry is taking notice and that eases the blow a little.

Friday night Josh took me out to a nice restaurant by the water in Philadelphia. It was so nice to get dressed up and to walk around town and eat at a nice restaurant. I asked him what the occasion was and he said he just wanted to see me all dressed up. I guess I can handle that, I love seeing him dressed up. He is absolutely adorable when he's dressed up...well, he's adorable all of the time but something about a guy all cleaned up and looking good...

Anyway, I have to go back to work again tonight. Henry and I are closing the club. I hope I get a chance to talk to him about some of my concerns. The camp counselors and not happy.

One of the nice things about having a few days off is that I get to catch up on TV shows and play around on my computer. I've become obsessed with my iTunes Top 25 Most Played list. Here it is:


1) Be Without You (Kendu Mix)- Mary J. Blige
2) SOS - Rihanna
3) We Belong Together - Mariah Carey
4) Black Horse and the Cherry Tree (Radio Version)- KT Tunstall
5) Ain't Nothing 'Bout You - Brooks and Dunn
6) A Little Too Late - Delta Goodrem
7) Watch Me Shine - Joanna Pacitti
8) I Want You - Faith Hill
9) Hips Don't Lie (Feat. Wyclef Jean) - Shakira
10) Sway - Michael Buble
11) I'm Like A Bird - Nelly Furtado
12) Yeah! - Usher
13) Breakaway - Kelly Clarkson
14) Breathe - Anna Nalick
15) The Real Thing - Bo Bice
16) Cry Me A River - Justin Timberlake
17) You And Me - Lifehouse
18) Starry Eyed Surprise - Paul Oakenfold
19) Be - Jessica Simpson
20) Hear Me - Kelly Clarkson
21) Shame On Me - Ryan Cabrera
22) Memphis, Tennessee - Elvis
23) Graceland - Paul Simon
24) Fumbling Towards Ecstacy - Sarah McLachlan
25) For The Girl Who Has Everything - NSYNC

I was kind of surprised the NSYNC song made it to the list. "Sway" and "I'm Like A Bird" are songs we use at the dance studio all the time. I always get them stuck in my head. I actually played the Mary J. Blige song 44 times! I like it though...reminds me of me and Josh.

Speaking of Josh, I should finish getting ready for my surprise. I have no idea where we're going or what we're doing. All I know is that I'm supposed to get dressed up. Can't wait to find out what's in store!

I slept in this morning. It was so nice to do nothing - just stay in bed and relax. Aunt Lu and I went out and had a leisurely lunch. Now this is what summer is supposed to be!

I have to work at the dance studio tonight but it's nice to get a few days away from the club. I love my job there but everyone needs a break from time to time. I am going to enjoy every minute of this long weekend. I'm still wondering about tomorrow night. I wonder what Josh has up his sleeve. He won't tell me where we're going or what we're doing. Very mysterious.

Molly got voted out of the dance competition last night. I think she's a little relieved. I think it was nerve-wracking for her.

That's all for now. Back to relaxing!

Work is so busy. Paula doesn't drop by any of the camps to see how things are going so every morning I have to make the rounds. Nancy is supposed to be helping me but she's too busy filing her nails and following Josh around the pool during swimming lessons. The good news is that Henry is starting to take notice and he's not happy with what he sees. I wouldn't want to see Paula go but I'd love for Nancy to get tossed out on her you-know-what.

I've worked non-stop for the past nine days. I have off Thursday through Sunday to make up for it. I'm looking forward to a long weekend. Josh told me this morning to plan on an evening out on Friday. He didn't give me details...just told me to get real dressed up and be ready to go by 6:30. I'm going crazy trying to figure out where we're going. Heck, I'd just like to know what the occasion is! But he won't tell me.

I have to get going. Quick dinner and then off to the dance studio!

I told Jen that I can't do the dance numbers in "Evita." I feel bad about it but, as Aunt Lu would say, I'm burning the candle at both ends. I'm just too tired and too busy. I've been doing so much this summer that I haven't had any time for relaxing. It's work, dance studio, work, dance studio, trying to fit some time in for friends, trying to fit some time in for Josh. And he's equally as busy so it's hectic. Tonight I'm going to the restaurant where he plays piano just so that I can see him. You'd think that by living next door and working at the same place we'd have time to spend together but it's been so crazy lately and I miss him.

And then there's Molly who has been acting wierder and wierder. I know it was hard on her when Tim went back to Australia but now that it's getting closer to school starting she's even more weird. She keeps asking me questions about our living situation at school. I don't know what she's getting at. We have a quad: Molly, Natalie, me and another girl (TBA). I think Molly is afraid I might pick Natalie over her or start ignoring her or something weird. I hope this living situation doesn't turn into a nightmare!

Anyway, gotta run. A few things to do before going out...and then it all starts over again tomorrow!

Well the storm finally came last night. It finally took the edge off things. Today the weather is bright and sunny but not so oppressive.

It's funny when life all starts to line up. Last night was the storm, and last night Josh and I got into another fight about Nancy. She weaseled her way into our movie night. Josh invited some of the people at the swim club to join us and Nancy managed to come along. It wouldn't have been so bad except that she sat on the other side of him and leaned in towards him the whole time. After the movie I told him that I don't want her around. He said I was being overly sensitive and dramatic.

We must have sat in the car for over an hour arguing about it and then we both realized that we were each being overly dramatic. We finally talked things through rationally and for the first time I think he really understood why I dislike Nancy so much. After our conversation things felt so much better. It was like we finally broke through any tension that Nancy had caused. Today things felt better, like Nancy couldn't hurt me anymore. So the storm has past and all is calm now.

My two favorite words for the day: Air Conditioning. This weather is oppressive. It's worse than Florida. At least down there we have the late afternoon thunderstorm to break things up a little.

Last night Josh and I closed the swim club. It was so hot when we finished up right before 10:00 that we got in the pool for a quick swim. It's unbelievable crazy how hot it was.

It was late by the time I got home last night and then I was up early this morning for work. The kids were all grumpy from the heat so most of the counselors let them play in the pool all morning which meant that half of the lifeguards had to guard the pool instead of helping with swimming lessons. It was a mess. I have such headache now. I was so happy to walk into a cool house. Josh mentioned going to the movies tonight. There isn't anything I really want to see but the idea of a cold theater sounds heavenly.

I don't know why I'm writing about this but I thought it was weird. We were talking about our first crushes at Alex's party the other night and I told the gang that my first crush was on Potsie from "Happy Days." There was an episode where he sang "Put Your Head On My Shoulder" to Joanie and she had a crush on him. Well, I had a crush on him too. I haven't seen the episode since I was a little kid but it stuck with me. Well, Josh and I were looking for something to watch on TV last night and his TiVo just happened to record that episode as a TiVo Suggestion! He said it's never recorded "Happy Days" before! Isn't that weird? It's like you put something out there and it comes back to you. Very ironic.

I just added another major event to my already busy schedule. Jen convinced me to be a background dancer in her production of Evita. They need some people for a few dance numbers. I explained to her that I've never been trained in the Argentine Tango. She didn't seem to care. She told me that they need people who catch on quickly and that no one is a professional dancer. She tried to talk Josh into it too but between work, his summer class and his piano playing gigs (plus he's teaching a piano lesson!) he's too busy. Not to mention that I'd like to see him every now and then.

Last night was the last party at Alex's house. I'm going to miss that place. They have the best house for parties, but soon his parent's will be in Hawaii. He's going with them for the last few weeks of summer and then he'll be away at school. It's so sad. I can't believe the gang is splitting up. Some of us have gone away to school already but everyone always returned to Pennsylvania. Now Alex's home will be Hawaii. It's so far away...

I just feel a little overwhelmed. Summer is passing so quickly and I'm struck by the reality that I'm not going to be living here much longer. I'm not going to see Aunt Lu everyday, friends are moving on to new places, and I'm about to start a whole new chapter in my life. Just when I got comfortable here...it's time for things to change again.

It's been a busy few days. Last week we had our Fourth of July Country Fair. I have to give Paula credit, it was a pretty good event.

I sang my song "Jolene." It's about this woman names Jolene who is trying to steal the man of the woman singing. It's a Dolly Parton song but Josh found a more funky version of it that Olivia Newton-John did so I sang it in her style. After my song was over Nancy walked up to me and said in her usually snarky tone, "was that song for me? did you think I'm going to steal your man?" I just laughed at her. Can you believe the nerve of that girl?

Paula sang "Sunshine and Summertime" by Faith Hill. Randy Jackson would have called it a little pitchy, but awright. Jennifer sang "Independence Day" and Randy would have had the dawg pound barking for her. She hit it out of the park. Josh dedicated a song to me called "Ain't Nothing 'Bout You." It's by Brooks and Dunn. I downloaded it from iTunes. It's my new favorite song! :-)

The rest of the week I spent getting ready for tomorrow night. It's the opening night of our local version of "Dancing With The Stars." Last Thursday we met with the contestants to teach them the Rhumba - our first dance of the competition. The way it works is every Thursday night the contestants will learn the dance for the following week, along with anyone in the community who wants to take a dance lesson for that night. It's a quick intro to the basic step and a few turns. Then the contestants spend the week dancing with one of our instructors to learn a performance piece. On Wednesday nights they will perform the dance for an audience. Three judges will score + audience voting to determine who stays and who goes. We had quite a few people turn out to learn the Rhumba last week so I'm optimistic that they will show up for the performance night.

A few friends are in the competition: Molly, Mr. Anderson, and this guy Jeff from church. I'm so glad I'm not a judge!

I'm glad Molly's involved. She needs a distraction now that Tim is back in Australia. I know she's heartbroken over his departure, even though she's putting on a brave face. I hope that learning a few new dance moves will get her mind off of things.

I worked all evening at the dance studio last night. I was exhausted when I got home. When I pulled up in front of the house I saw Josh and Jason shooting hoops outside. I waved but headed straight for the front door because I was still upset with Josh. He ran over and stopped me before I could get into the house.

He asked why I was so upset and I explained to him that I don't want Nancy coming between us. Then he said something like, "She already has! You've barely talked to me for two days!"

Josh 1, Nicole nothing. So he was right...as usual. I normally find it endearing. Last night I found it annoying.

This morning I was feeling differently. After thinking about it I realized that he was right. I was letting her come between us. I'm not going to let that happen again so I apologized to him.

Tonight is a rehearsal for our country concert next week. The songs seem pretty good, and after spending time in Nashville and going to the Country Music Hall of Fame, I feel that I have an appreciation for country music that I didn't have before. I love Faith Hill. I bought her newest CD and I love it. It's summery and fun and it reminds me of my trip to Nashville.

After the rehearsal Josh promised to take me out...just the two of us so that we could spend some time together.

Frustrated. I can't stand having Nancy around. And the fact that Josh wants to go easy on her doesn't help. I've barely spoken a word to him since Monday. And it's disappointing to think that last week at this time we were having a really great vacation together.

This country concert we're putting on next week has me completely stressed. There just isn't enough time to pull it off and pull it off well. I'm singing an old Dolly Parton song called "Jolene." I like the song but I'm still nervous. I really don't have time to rehearse because I'm spending all my time teaching the kids to line dance! It just worries me.

Tonight I'm going to the dance studio to work on promotion for the dancing competition. It starts on July 13th. I'm excited about it. I just wish I was one of the dancers. I'll just have to wait until next year. Josh promised he dance with me.

Gotta run. --NB

I am so mad right now. I got back to work today and found out that Paula had hired Nancy to work at the swim club. Now I have to deal with Paula and Nancy - who just happened to take her dandy ol' time saying hi to Josh this morning. Grr...I'm in such a bad mood. I had a talk with Henry about it but he wasn't very sympathetic. Then I was venting to Josh and he wasn't sympathetic either. I am so angry with him right now.

Today hasn't been fun. Last night I kind of freaked out because I was missing Josh so I called him. I wanted him to come over for a little while but he was doing something with his family. I kind of got mad at him and yelled at him over the phone. I know, it was childish. Very embarrassing.

He didn't say anything about it this morning so I just pretended nothing happened but when he didn't agree with me about how horrible it is going to be working with Nancy, it just set me off again. He's probably still at work talking to that little succubus right now.

And Henry - he's always on my side! But not this time. He thinks I'm being ridiculous - but that girl kept me and Josh apart for months with her lies and her schemes. I'm so tired of always fighting for him. Why do these other girls keep moving in and thinking they can come between us? I've had it.

I'm back in PA after my week long trip to Tennessee with Josh. Usually I like coming home after a long trip but this time I was sad to get home. I've only been home for a few hours and already I'm missing him. We just had such a great time.

We went to Memphis and saw Graceland. We got to tour the house - Elvis had a very interesting taste in furniture. I guess it was the 70's but a Jungle themed room? A little scary... We saw his gold records and some of the costumes he wore.

After Graceland we drove over to Arkansas. Neither of us had ever been there so we drove across the Mississippi so we could say we'd been there. West Memphis, Arkansas wasn't the nicest city so we pretty much turned around and headed back to Memphis. Then we decided to drive south to Mississippi. I've been there before but Josh hadn't so we drove down there for lunch. The rest of the day we spent in Memphis, walking around, listening to music and exploring.

Then it was on to Nashville. My grandparents were so excited to have us there - and so great to Josh. They didn't act like my weirdo father or my overprotective mother. Josh and my grandfather got along really well. It made things nice. We did a lot in Nashville. We went on a riverboat cruise, saw the Country Music Hall of Fame and went on a southern plantation tour. I actually have an appreciation for country music now. I'm kind of looking forward to the country concert we're doing at the swim club now!

So now it's back to reality. Day camp starts tomorrow so I'll be up early and at work helping the kids get settled in. I hope Paula tones things down a little now that she is settled in. I'm trying to give her the benefit of the doubt but she just rubs me the wrong way.

I'm sure I'll have adventures to report tomorrow after the first day of camp!

I don't have a lot of time to post but I wanted to do a quick update. We're in Nashville now and having a great time. My grandparents have been so cool since we've been here. It's amazing to think my father came from them. I keep wondering what happened?

Anyway, we went to Memphis, saw Graceland, then headed East to Nashville. We went to a southern plantation and on a riverboat cruise. Today we're going to check out the Country Music Hall of Fame. I'll post more details when I have more time - probably next week.

That's all for now!

NB

Greetings from Kentucky!

I can officially add two new states to my list of places I've been: Ohio and Kentucky.

I was afraid I wouldn't get a chance to blog much but Josh is in the shower so I thought I'd take advantage of the hotels free wireless internet and update the blog on how things are going.

Graduation was good, but a little sad. I'm glad summer is here but I'm going to miss my friends in high school. My family took me out to dinner after the ceremony. Josh came along. There was weird tension between him and my father.

After dinner we left for the shore. It was fun but too short. We had to be back in Pennsylvania by the afternoon on Saturday so that I could "celebrate" father's day with my dad. What a joke - he's not much of a dad.

Yesterday morning we hit the rode. We stopped for lunch at a Cracker Barrel. Josh says is the ultimate road trip restaurant. It was my first time there, and I have to say it was fun having a country meal. Other than Cracker Barrel, the day was pretty uneventful. We just drove and drove until we got to Louisville.

Today we're going to stop at Churchill Downs. Josh wants to see where they hold the Kentucky Derby. After that we head to Memphis. I went on iTunes and downloaded a bunch of Tennessee-related songs. I know...I'm a dork but I got some Elvis and I got the song "Graceland." It's been in my head non-stop for the past week!

That's all for now. More to come as our adventure continues.

I think the new boss is going to be very high maintenance. Let's just put it this way: Paula is no Henry. With Henry, I'd walk in and get a warm smile and a "Hey there, Sunshine." With Paula, it's "I need to talk to you" the minute I walk through the door.

I stopped over at the swim club this afternoon. I wasn't there to work. I stopped by because Josh called and asked if I could bring him excedrin for his headache. The minute I got there Paula was all over me about the country concert she wants to put on. She wants me to teach the campers a line dance to some country song. But the thing is: 1) I don't know country line dancing (her response was, "you're a dancer, can't you figure it out?", and 2) camp doesn't start until June 26th - that only gives the campers a week and a half to learn a whole routine! I just don't know how I'm going to pull it off. Jennifer offered to help but I'm still stressed over it. Then Paula made a comment about how I can learn to line dance in Nashville...that's just how I want to spend my whole vacation.

The rest of the day was good. We had our senior brunch this morning and then rehearsal for commencement. After that we were dismissed. Molly, Tim, Alex, Tom, Kim and I went out for lunch. Lindsay even met us there so it was a nice afternoon. As we were leaving Josh called and asked me to stop by the swim club with some excedrin. The poor guy...he looked like his head was pounding and he had to wait an extra 10 minutes because of Paula and her one track mind. We're supposed to go out tonight but I have a feeling that's not going to happen. He looked like all he wanted to do was crawl into bed and sleep.

I talked to Jen for a little while before I left. She seems to think that Paula is kind of pushy. I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels that way. I was hoping to get a few minutes to talk to Henry about this whole line dancing thing but he was pretty busy. I don't even know if it's right for me to complain to him. He's not my boss anymore and I don't want to get her in trouble. I just miss working for him. :(

Today was my last real day of high school. Tomorrow is a half day. We have a senior brunch and then graduation rehearsal. Thursday is graduation and then I'm free. I'm excited for summer, but I'm sad at the same time. I'll miss all of the new friends I've made here in PA. I know Molly and I will be at school together next year but I'll miss seeing Alex, Kim, Tom, Tim and Lauren everyday.

Everything is changing. Tim goes back to Australia on June 30th. Molly's really upset about it. We just found out that Alex's family is moving to Hawaii at the end of July. Alex will still be around since he's going to school in Connecticut, but it's weird to think that when he goes "home" for breaks it will be to Hawaii and not Pennsylvania. It's just so far away...

But enough with all the sadness. This is an exciting time. We'll be high school graduates in two day and then summer is here! I'm counting down the days until my road trip with Josh. It will be so much fun, and just the two of us - I can't wait!

Finals are over! It's such a relief. Molly, Alex, Kim, Tom and I are going out tonight to celebrate. The work is all behind us now. The next few days will be a breeze.

My dad made a fuss about me doing something for Father's Day with him so I'm coming back from the shore Saturday afternoon to go to dinner with him. I told Aunt Lu that she and my mom have to join us. It would just be agonizing if I had to go out alone with him. I'm kind of annoyed that I have to cut my graduation celebration short, but it's just not worth it to argue. If I pick a fight about this, my parents might start in on me again about my "serious" relationship with Josh, and how I'm too young to be tied down, blah, blah, blah...

Lauren invited me over after school today to go through her mom's CD collection. Mrs. Anderson likes country music so I thought I could get some ideas for Paula's country fair. I found a few songs I like but I think I'll have to check out the country charts to see what's popular.

Just a few more days and I'll be a high school grad. We have the last of our finals tomorrow. I can't wait. I'm practically bouncing off the walls. I just want summer to be here!

My parents are flying up from Florida on Wednesday. Thursday is commencement and then I'm heading down to Molly's shore house until Sunday. On Sunday Josh and I leave for our road trip to Nashville. I can't wait. I'm excited about going to Memphis. I've never been there before and I can't wait to see Graceland. And Nashville will be much more fun with him than it is with my family. And I'll get to spend some quality time with my grandparents without having to deal with my dad being there and fighting with everyone.

I worked at the swim club today. My new boss, Paula, is...well, I don't know how to put it. It's not that I dislike her, I just don't know if I like her. She's not Henry. He's able to be efficient and effective while still letting his employees be creative and have fun. Paula's just a little too rigid.

She's planning the Fourth of July celebration. She decided to do a Cowboy themed event. It's supposed to be like a small town, country fair. We're going to have an apple pie eating contest and a country music concert. She asked me to come up with country songs. The only problem is that I really don't know country music that well. I hope I'll get some inspiration in Nashville.

Josh is in Baltimore this weekend hanging out with Keith. I miss him but I'm having a relaxing weekend. Last night Aunt Lu and I went to see "United 93." It was weird. I knew what was going to happen, and yet, I found myself wishing that the passengers would take back that plane and land it safely. It was also kind of weird sitting in the theater, eating popcorn and watching a real life nightmare unfold on screen. I'm glad I saw it though. 9/11 was just a week after my 13th birthday, so while I understood that it was horrible, I was too young to be glued to the news and I probably missed a lot of what happened.

Today it's raining so I'm hanging around the house with Aunt Lu. She's not a big TV watcher but TV Land is running a marathon of "Benson." I've never seen the show before but she and my great uncle used to watch it so we're loafing around, watching it. It's actually pretty good, and it's nice to hang with Aunt Lu.