I'm back! I know it's been almost a month since my last post. I've been busy with finishing up the semester and taking care of my father's estate. And then when I got back to Pennsylvania right before Christmas I got a horrible cold that had me in bed for a few days. Thank goodness I was feeling better by Christmas Eve.

It's weird being home. I can't explain it. I guess I feel like my life has been cut in half. The first half was up until the day my father died, the second half just started. It just doesn't flow. I feel like a different person in a lot of ways. I guess it doesn't help to come home and find that things have changed so much.

The Anderson's not being next door is seriously weird. I met the new neighbors. They're nice. They have two daughters in high school - nice girls - and a son in culinary school in New York. I only met him briefly but he seemed nice too. It's just so strange to see new people in that house.

The Anderson's new house is unbelievable. It's not at all what I expected. It's huge. It seems weird that they'd buy a huge house as both of their children are moving away but Josh says his dad always wanted a house like that. It's a gorgeous house. I just wish they could have knocked down the old one and built this one next door (although I guess the lot wouldn't be big enough!).

The Christmas Eve party was exceptional this year. I guess the Andersons decided to go all out since they were in the new house. We had a good time, but it sucked having to drive a half hour to get home.

On Saturday night we went to an engagement party for Mona and Angelo! They are planning to tie the knot this spring! I can't remember if I mentioned that, but I'm very excited for Mona. She deserves lots of happiness.

Now, finally the big news: I had planned to move to Nashville with Josh, but we just found out they are sending him to LA. Josh asked me to go there, but it kind of changes things. In Nashville I'd have my grandparents so I wouldn't be totally dependent on Josh. I would have no one in LA, not to mention it's on the complete opposite side of the country. I can drive home from Nashville in a day (a long day, but still just a day) whereas I couldn't easily come home from LA. I just don't know if I'm ready to move that far away.

I'm really struggling with this. I want to be with Josh. He's my person - the first person I share my good news with and the person I cry to when things go bad - but I don't want to lose everyone else. I'd be giving up Aunt Lu, Uncle Bill, Aunt Linda, my friends, and even my selfish mother. Plus, I keep thinking about something my father said before he died. He said that it's important that I learn to become and independent person. I'm not sure if following Josh across the country would really help me become independent. I just don't know what to do and I keep putting off the decision. The problem is that Josh leaves on Saturday so I really need to decide quick. I hate decisions!

I just got back to Florida. I was supposed to fly home last night but the weather was miserable. I ended up changing my flight today to avoid the delays in Philly. I'm glad I did. Josh didn't get back to Nashville until early this morning and he said it was horrible.

The weekend was great. It was so nice to be home with Aunt Lu. It was really weird having to drive 25 minutes to get to the Anderson's house though. When Josh dropped me off on Friday night he said it was so weird to have to drive home.

I met Mona for lunch on Saturday. She asked me if I want to buy the dance studio. At first I thought she was joking. How could I buy the studio? Then I remembered the money that my father left me... am I crazy to be considering this? I'm still in school, and I don't know the first thing about running a business...but still, it would be like a dream come true. The only problem is that I would definitely have to return to Pennsylvania. I love it there, but Josh isn't there.

I just wish I knew what to do. I was thinking about it on the flight home. The money is my father's money, so I kept wondering what he'd do. And he would buy the dance studio. It feels so right - a little crazy - but right. I just hate that it will mean that I can't move to Nashville.

I'm back in Pennsylvania for the weekend. I got in last night. It's nice to be here with Aunt Lu. It is strange not to have the Anderson's next door. It's really weird, but I'm picking Josh up at the airport tonight so it won't be long before I see him. I haven't seen him since the funeral so I'm anxious for him to get here.

I know I haven't posted that much through this whole ordeal. Usually I have no problem sharing stuff, but I guess I've needed to process this by myself. Most people don't have to deal with the death of a parent until later in life, and since I had no support from my mom it was extra hard. Things are settling down though. It's still hard. I miss my father and think about him all the time, but I'm not as raw as I was when it happened.

I'm still figuring out what I'm doing next semester. Josh still wants me to move to Nashville, but I'm not sure. I want to be with him, but right now things are so up in the air. The times that we've seen each other over the past few months, we have definitely been couple-like - but we haven't really talked about it. Rather, we just fell back into being a couple and I just feel some need for clarification. I don't want to move to Tennessee and find out that we're not on the same page. I think we are, but I need to know for sure.

Anyway, I should get going. Molly will be stopping by soon and we're going to catch up.

Things are finally starting to settle down a little. I'm still in Florida because I have a class to finish off. I've been getting pressure to return to Pennsylvania but I want to finish the class.

I'm not sure where I go after that. Josh said he'd still like me to move to Tennessee with him. Part of me wants to but I also think maybe I should go back to New Jersey. One of the things I've learned the past few weeks is that I want to learn how to make it on my own.

I know it's been some time since I last posted. I've been busy caring for my father. We moved him to a hospice last week. It was becoming too difficult for us to care for him, even with the night nurse. He passed away last night.

My mom and Aunt Lu flew down today (I wish my mother had been here sooner!), and we started making arrangements for the funeral. Josh is flying in tomorrow night and is going to stay a few days. I'm glad he'll be here. My mom has only been here a few hours and she's already driving me nuts. I'm going to need him to help me from going off on her.

She and my grandmother have been fighting. My grandmother is mad that she didn't come while he was still alive. I don't blame my grandmother. I feel the same way. Yes, they were divorced, but she should have been here. I just don't understand her. And when she got here all she could talk about was the estate. She was even pressuring me to give her some of my inheritance. Josh thinks I should tell her to go to hell - but she's my mother. I just don't know what to do. I keep thinking I could let her have the house...after all, what am I going to do with a house in Florida? But at the same time, she has offered me no support through this whole ordeal. I always blamed my father for everything, but now I see how selfish she really is. I just don't know what to do.

I can't even believe that this is what I'm blogging about. I've lost a parent - isn't that where my focus should be? I wish the parent that I have left would let me focus on what's most important instead of aggravating me with all of her nonsense. I actually heard Aunt Lu tell her that much, but I'm not sure it makes a difference to her.

Anyway, I just heard Natalie's parents arrive so I should go downstairs and talk to them. I'll try to be better about blogging!

Things have been much better since Josh visited last weekend. Or maybe I should say that I feel like I have a better handle on things. We talked a lot. He took me out to eat and I actually ate - and my appetite has come back since he was here.

He's back in Nashville now, but at least he knows everything now. I can call him up if I'm having a bad day. I have the support that I needed to help me get through this.

My father's condition is worsening. He's in pain and he refuses to take his pain meds. He thinks that it will just prolong the inevitable. We've tried talking to him. The nurse told him that he needs to pass peacefully and not in agony. He just won't listen.

My mom called last night to find out what I was doing with my dad's Mercedes. I told her I've been driving it - I mean, I need a way to get around down here. Then she asked what my long-term plans for the car are. I don't know! I haven't been real worried about the damn car of all things. Until she called last night, I haven't thought of it as anything more than a mode of transportation. Now I see that it's a status symbol that she wants to get her hands on. I'm so annoyed. She should be asking how I am or how my father is! Not about the damn car! When did she become this thoughtless person? I feel like I don't even know her anymore. It's so disappointing.

Natalie is flying down here tonight and coming over as soon as she gets in. I'm looking forward to seeing her. It helps to have friends around.

I was on the verge of a break down yesterday afternoon when Arie called. He said he was on his way over so I tried to hold it together. It’s just been so much harder since I saw Josh, and I hadn't heard back from him and was frantic.

Arie came over late afternoon. He looked at me nervously and told me that I was either going to hate him or love him. I remember just looking at him and wondering what on earth he was talking about. Then Josh stepped into view and it all started to make sense.

I thought, “he’s got to be so mad,” but he pulled me into his arms and I started to cry. I still thought he was angry but he said, “Sweetheart…Honey, why didn’t you tell me? How could you not tell me?” He sounded frantic but the way he said, “Sweetheart…Honey…” it just made me realize that the distance and strain of the week before were gone. I told him that I was sorry…so very sorry.

He pulled away from me then. His hands were on my face and he was looking me straight in the eye and he said, “I thought it was you. I thought it was you that was sick, Nicole. God, don’t ever do that to me again!” I swear my heart broke into a million pieces. He told me that he’d been frantic all week and then finally he broke down and called Aunt Lu and she told him what was really going on. I guess it was only a matter of time before someone told him, and I felt so relieved that the cat was out of the bag.

I’m not sure when Arie left but he was gone when I finally remembered him. Josh and I sat down and I told him everything. I told him why I had pushed him away. I told him that I wanted him to live out his dream. I told him that all I ever wanted was for him to be happy. I told him that I was so sorry that I hurt him.

He said he accepted the apology but he said I should have let him make the decision on how to handle things. He also said, “if we’re going to be together we can’t keep secrets or push each other away.” I agreed with him. I was just so happy, and so relieved that he was there, and that he was saying the words, “we’re going to be together…”

I feel like I can breathe again. I can finally breathe again, and focus on why I'm here.

Josh went out with my grandfather a little while ago to help him with some shopping. I just can't believe how much better I feel now.

I have been frantically trying to get a hold of Josh. Molly called me last night and told me that he's been leaving her messages all week demanding to know what is really going on with me. He even called Natalie, and apparently Jason has been asking a lot of questions too. I don't want him to hear from anyone else, but he won't answer his damn phone! Grrrr!!!! I mean, if he really wants to know, you'd think he'd answer his phone!

I think I've been really stupid about this whole thing. I was trying to be noble. I wanted what was best for him, but I'm afraid now that once he knows the truth he will hate me forever.

A few weeks ago Natalie mentioned in her blog that Josh sang the song "Trying To Stop Your Leaving" at his going away party. I didn't want to hear it at the time, but I finally bought it from iTunes and now I feel even worse because I know that I hurt him. And the line, "But you don't love me, no you don't love me anymore" just breaks my heart. All of this heartache is BECAUSE I love him.

The thing is that I came here to be with my father and take care of him, and I feel like I'm doing a horrible job because I'm constantly obsessing over my broken heart. I go through the motions here but my heart and my head are with Josh all the time. I can't even do what I came here for. Last night I cried for over an hour to the nighttime nurse. She was so kind about it, but I felt really bad. She's here to take care of my father - not me!

I just wish I could get a hold of Josh so that I could come clean about what's going on.

I got back to Florida on Sunday afternoon. I'm feeling more down than ever. I think seeing Josh again made things worse. Now I miss him even more. I actually looked for him on Sunday before I left. I wanted to tell him everything but I couldn't find him.

Aunt Lu says that "there is no honor in deceit." She obviously thinks I need to tell him. I just wish I could have told him in person on Sunday. It would be so much easier than over the phone. I just want to see his face and look into his eyes when I tell him. I know he's going to be mad, but I also know he'll understand if I say it the right way. Unfortunately, it's hard to gauge whether I'm saying it the right way if I can't see his face.

I was supposed to stay home and rest last night but Molly invited me to go out to dinner and I knew Josh would be there too. I couldn’t stay away. The hug had been the first taste of forbidden fruit…his warmth, his scent…I felt like just that quick encounter had given me a burst of energy and I needed that.

Unfortunately it wasn’t the best idea…

We got to dinner and my appetite was the same – as in, no appetite at all. I could barely eat and everyone was paying attention to how much I ate, which only made things worse. Molly and Natalie kept trying to give me appetizers and dessert and I just couldn’t eat them. I overheard Jason whisper to Natalie, “she doesn’t look good.” Josh was at the other end of the table and he seemed annoyed with me so there wasn’t any interaction.

After dinner we went to the bowling alley. I got my shoes and was waiting for everyone else. Josh walked over and asked me if I was okay. I told him that I was and asked why he was asking. He said (and this will sound bad but he said it kindly) that I look tired and emaciated. I lied and told him that my ballet teacher told me to lose weight and I took it a little too far. Probably not a good lie because he looked horrified. Luckily I managed to get away from him then.

The rest of the night was agonizing. Josh looked disgusted every time he looked at me and my energy was completely zapped. Molly kept force feeding me but I felt horrible. I grabbed my cell phone to walk outside and call Aunt Lu to pick me up. I was getting to the top of the stairs where Josh and Jason were standing and I felt an overwhelming sickness wash over me. I looked at Josh and said, “I don’t feel so good,” and then I was out.

I came too with all of my friends standing over me. Josh had grabbed me as I fainted so at least I didn’t hurt myself collapsing, but it was so humiliating. Josh and Jason kept insisting that I go to the emergency room. I kept trying to tell them that this has happened before and I know what’s causing it. It wasn’t helping. I finally convinced them to let me call Aunt Lu and she could decide what to do with me.

She picked me up and took me home. The night was too exhausting and too draining for me. I just couldn’t take it.

When we got home I saw that another car pulled up behind us. It was Josh. He asked if he could speak to me for a moment. Aunt Lu went inside and I looked at Josh and wished that things were different.

He asked what is going on with me. I couldn’t tell him that it’s caregiver burnout so I told him it was exhaustion…which is true - definitely more true than the lie about losing weight for my ballet teacher. He said, “So you’re not purposely trying to starve yourself?” I assured him that my weight loss was not due to conscious effort and I apologized for lying.

I explained that I was staying with Aunt Lu this weekend because the doctor told me that I need to rest. He asked me why I went out if I was supposed to be resting. I looked up at him trying to decide what to say and realized I could only tell the truth so I looked him in the eye and said, “Because I wanted to see you.”

I saw the disgust and anger in his eyes melt away. I wanted to tell him. I wanted to tell him so badly. It was the perfect time. And I could see that he wanted to know, but I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t lay all of that on him. It wouldn’t be fair and it wouldn’t be right. He needs to be in Nashville. I need to be in Florida. That’s the way it is and that’s the way it will stay.

My heart is beating a million beats per minute as I type this. I have been set up! My friends and family have all set me up! I can't believe it. I don't know whether I should be angry or grateful. I just know that they set me up.

I decided to take a walk this morning. I figured that the crisp fall morning air would do me some good. My mom upset me last night over dinner so I wanted to clear my head. When I got home I noticed that the Andersons are preparing to move out of their house. I saw Mr. Anderson loading some boxes into a van.

I didn't think anything of it. I spent the morning with Aunt Lu. We ran some errands and then had a quick lunch in town. When we got home I saw Mrs. Anderson and stopped to say hello to her. I could tell she was thinking I look too thin but she didn't say anything. So I was standing there talking to her for only a few seconds when it happened - Josh walked out of the house!

I didn't have time to be surprised or worried to see him. I didn't even question why he was there. I was just so overcome with emotion when I saw him. It was like my ability to think just disappeared. I just ran to him, practically flung myself into his arms and said, “Oh, Thank God!” I just kept thinking that all of my prayers to see him again were being answered. I forgot that he probably hates me. He seemed to forget that too because – although he seemed to resist for a second – I felt him soften and wrap his arms around me too.

I realize now why everyone insisted that I come home this weekend. They knew Josh would be here too and they wanted a reunion. I know everyone is trying to help me. They want Josh to know, but I have to keep him in the dark. I have to do this one unselfish thing for him so that he can live the life he deserves. That’s why when he pulled away and asked me if I was okay, I lied and told him that I was fine. I'm not sure if he believed me but he didn't press. In fact, the softness that was there when we hugged seemed to disappear and he became guarded again. Oh, but those few seconds that I was in his arms where the best seconds I've had in over a month, and that's all I have to hold on to right now.

I'm in New Jersey at Nat's townhouse. I came here last night instead of going to Aunt Lu's. Molly is going to drive me over there later this afternoon. I just wanted a night to catch up with my friends. Plus, I wanted to avoid running into the Andersons.

I ate a huge dinner last night. Molly actually gasped when she saw me (Molly isn't always the most tactful person in the world) which made me realize that I really have lost a lot of weight is a very short amount of time. I don't want to be passing out or losing weight so I'm going to make an effort to eat as much as I can. Hopefully my stomach will start cooperating.

Aunt Lu wants me to rest up this weekend and enjoy a few days away from the drama in Florida. It's hard though...I feel so guilty leaving. I feel like I should be down there, trying to spend every second with my father that I can. Our relationship is finally good. For the first time in years I want to spend time with him, and now that I know he won't be around long, I feel like I should get in every second that I can. I don't know how I can be expected to relax when I know time is ticking away.

Natalie and I are going out for coffee before I head home. I think she's just trying to get me to Starbucks because she knows I can't resist their espresso brownies. I don't care. We stayed up half the night talking and I still feel like I have hours and hours of things to say. Luckily, it wasn't all depressing talk. I told her about Patrick's visit, how Arie is constantly stopping by to see me and my class. She told me how she and her cute co-worker have been hanging out more, so it was a good time.

That's all for now. -- NB

I'm watching DWTS. At least we don't have five hours this week - last week was overkill. This season is kind of a bummer so far. I was annoyed with Lance and Lacey trying to do a less traditional Paso. Don't enter a ballroom competition if you don't want to do ballroom!

Anyway, back to real life...I'm flying home on Wednesday for a long weekend. I passed out on Saturday. My grandparents took me to the doctor and he said it was because of exhaustion and lack of food. So of course my grandmother freaked out. She called Aunt Lu and they decided I need a break. I don't really want to leave right now. My father needs me but Aunt Lu was adamant about this. I've never heard her be so stern about anything.

I am trying to eat more. I just have no appetite. I feel like I'm force feeding myself. They act like I'm doing this on purpose. I would never put my health at risk. I just have a hard time eating. I'm obviously not an emotional eater.

Maybe they are right though. Maybe a few days in Pennsylvania will do me good. I'll have Aunt Lu's cooking and my friends around.

Everyone is conspiring against me. My father told me that I should go to Tennessee to be with Josh. Aunt Lu thinks I should go back to New Jersey. My grandmother thinks I'm starving myself. Molly keeps calling me and telling me that I'm nuts. Why is everyone making something that's hard even harder?

Josh emailed me this morning looking for an explanation. "Why the sudden turn around?" He asked. "Why did we go from moving in together to being broken up?"

I've written and rewritten about a million responses to him since then and none of them work. My words fall short every time and he deserves more than that. I know I could tell him everything, but he deserves more than that too. At least for now. I want to make sure that he's settled in Nashville before I explain what's really going on. I just wish I could come up with some sort of answer for him to keep him from hating me until that time comes.

I guess not everything is horrible. Natalie sent a really nice care package down for me. Lots of magazines and goodies - not that I have an appetite for anything these days, but it was a really nice gesture. Her parents had me over for dinner on Tuesday. It was nice to eat a meal without being scrutinized by my grandmother. Tonight Patrick is driving down from Gainesville to take me out. It's almost a three hour ride so it's pretty nice of him to come all that way. He said he wants to help cheer me up.

I had a long talk last night with the nighttime nurse about my father's condition. She told me what I can expect over the next few weeks. He's frail right now - to a scary degree - but he doesn't act like he's dying. He's handling it with such bravery that it's almost hard to accept. She told me about the physical process of dying, how the body slows down and then breaks down. I had never really thought about it before. She encouraged me to talk to her about things any time I want. It was helpful. It is still scary but at least I know what to expect.

I went to Barnes and Noble today to buy some books. I bought two by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross. I heard she's the expert on death. I like the one I'm reading. It's helpful and she talks about death in a way that seems less scary. I just worry that it's so final and that my father will be gone forever.

Right now I'm just so angry about everything. I'm angry that he got sick just as we were getting our relationship on track. I'm angry that my mother is in Pennsylvania instead of here and helping me. I'm angry that I've had to give up everything to deal with this. I keep sitting around thinking how unfair it is, but life isn't fair. My father will attest to that.

My grandmother is making a big deal out of the premiere of "Dancing With The Stars." I think she wants me to have something to look forward to. I appreciate what she's doing, but it's not going to change anything. A TV show can't take away what's going on. I wish it could make me forget, but I don't think it can.

I'm having a really horrible day. I've wanted to pick up and phone and call Josh a million times. I hate this. I hate being without him - especially when I need him so badly. I know why I made the choices I made, but today I want to be selfish. I want to tell him and hear him say that he's on his way. I know that he would come here and suddenly I could handle everything better. But I also know that's not what's right for him.

I had another argument with my grandmother because she thinks I'm not eating enough. I don't know what to do. I'm not hungry. Food just looks disgusting to me. I have no appetite.

My father kept talking to me about his final wishes. He wants to die peacefully at home with little medical intervention. He said he hopes he goes soon. It's just too much.

I went out to Siesta Key this morning to walk and clear my head. It felt good to be out of the house, but then so many memories came flooding back at me. I remember going there with my dad when I was little - before he started drinking - and we actually had a good time. I also remembered the times I'd sit there on that beach with Nat and Arie and tell them how much things at home sucked because he had started drinking. And then there are the memories of being there with Josh, and finally feeling that things were good and they would stay that way. Boy, was I wrong.

I just can't see past this right now. I can't see a future. All I can see is the present. I think it's because I don't want to see the future. The future is a world without my dad, and quite possibly my world without Josh, and I can't stand either scenario. I know that this isn't forever, but when it ends, so does my father's life and it seems so selfish of me to want this to be over. I want him to be here as long as possible, I just want it on my terms and that's not going to happen. So how do I deal?

It's been a weird day. I went to class early this morning and then I got home and met with my father's lawyer. We were going over the estate. I'm the executor and his medical power of attorney. We went over his living will so that I know what his wishes are when he can't speak for himself anymore.

I really wish my mom was down here to deal with this. It's so much to deal with. I have my grandparents here and we've hired a nighttime nurse to take care of my father, but I'm still struggling.

My grandmother is giving me a hard time because I can't eat. I eat, but not a lot. I can't help it. I have no appetite. And why should I? I'm devastated that my father is dying and I'm heartbroken about cutting Josh out of my life.

I want to call him and tell him the truth but it's too soon. I have to wait until I know he's really settled in before I let him know what's really going on. It feels like torture not telling him...letting him think that I walked away for no good reason. All I can do is hope that he'll forgive me when he finds out the truth. And hope that I can last that long without him.

I'm getting myself settled in down here. It's so weird to be back in my old bedroom in this house that I haven't lived in since 2003. It's even weirder not having my mom here. I asked her to come down but she thinks it's better if she stays away. I think she's making a huge mistake, but it's her mistake to make.

I went over to the community college yesterday. I explained my situation and they were really nice. They let me enroll in a class even though the semester started last week. That and my two distance learning classes will keep me from getting behind. I guess I know now why the psychic told me to take summer classes.

I'm trying to make the best of things, but it's hard. My father looks so weak. I can't believe he's the same man. I look at him and I want to cry. My grandparents are holding on so hard. It's so weird. I feel like I'm living in some weird dreamland.

I've been thinking about Josh constantly. I wonder how much he hates me right now. I hate that I hurt him, but I was trying to do what's right for him. I will tell him the truth, I just want to wait until I know he's settled and happy in Nashville. I'm not going to let him change his mind or come running to my rescue. He needs to be where he is, and I need to be where I am. Besides, doesn't loving someone mean wanting what is best for them? I know I could be selfish. I know he'd be here if I asked, but I can't do that to him - not when the stakes are this high. How many people get to work with a major record label right out of school without years of struggling? I just can't let him give up his chance. I won't hold him back.

I've been up all night. I just couldn't sleep. I feel like I'm living a real nightmare. I stared out my window this morning at Josh as he packed up the car and drove away. I know he's on to bigger and getter things. I want that for him, but I need him so badly right now.

Thursday night he stopped over after I got home from my birthday dinner. He gave me my birthday present. I swear it took all the strength I had not to break down in complete agony. Then he tried to convince me to change my mind and go with him to Nashville. That's not a typical Josh thing to do and I know that he put his pride aside to do it, but I had to refuse him. He thinks I don't love him anymore and that's the worst of it.

I went to his going away party last night at Angelo's but I couldn't bring myself to go in. I think he saw me but I left pretty quickly. I ended up calling Eric and crying on his shoulder half the night. He thinks I'm insane. He told me that I should tell Josh about my dad and stop playing games. But I'm not playing games. I'm doing this for Josh. I'm letting him go so that he can have everything he's always wanted.

Aunt Lu has been trying to talk me into flying out tomorrow so I can avoid flying through the storm. But I just need to get out of here. I don't want to run into the Andersons or look out the window at Josh's old room.

I'm going to talk to Molly later this morning and then my flight is late this afternoon. Part of me is dreading what I'm going to find in Florida, but part of me just wants to get here so I'm not constantly reminded of all I've given up.

It's my birthday and it sucks. In the past week my life has been completely turned upside down. I've been trying so hard to process it all, but I'm not doing so well. My dad's health has taken a dramatic turn for the worse. I'm moving to Florida for a while to be with him. I could be there for a few weeks or a few months. It depends on how long he lives.

I knew that if I told Josh this he would insist on coming with me. I can't have him following me to Florida. It wouldn't be right. That would mean giving up his dream and I couldn't let that happen so I broke up with him. Maybe once things are more settled I can tell him the truth, but right now I need him to go to Nashville. And most importantly I need him to be happy and have everything that he deserves.

He hates me right now which makes this all so much more horrible. All of my friends think I've gone off the deep end. I don't blame them. One day I was planning to move to Nashville to be with him and the next I'm breaking up with him and providing no real explanation what so ever. The only person who knows what's really going on is Natalie, and she thinks I'm insane. She says I need Josh right now.

She's right. I do need him right now but I love him too much to let him give up everything to follow me to Florida. It's just better if he doesn't know until after he's in Nashville.

So tonight I'll put on a brave face and go out to "celebrate" my birthday, and then on Saturday I'll board a plane for Florida to help my father and grandparents through whatever is to come.

Natalie won the dance competition! I am so proud of her - she was amazing!!!! It was a crazy, hectic night but so much fun.

Josh and I have been busy packing and getting ready for the move to Nashville. My mother is still freaking out at me about it, but she can't really do anything at this point. I haven't told my father yet. He left me a message earlier today asking me to call him though, so I suspect my mother contacted him to talk me out of it. I'll call him back later. I just can't deal with them ganging up on me right now. I will not let them talk me out of this. The decision has been made and I'm sticking to it!

I can't believe how busy this week has been! I'm not even competing in the competition anymore and I'm swamped. I spent the end of last week working with Eric on our dance for tomorrow. Then I spent the weekend working with Josh on our dance for tomorrow. Last night we had rehearsals for our group performance. It's been crazy.

I broke the news to my mom and Aunt Lu (haven't told my dad yet) about moving to Nashville. My mom freaked, which was to be expected. Aunt Lu was more reserved about her disapproval. She just said that she doesn't believe in "co-habitation before marriage." I can tell that Mrs. Anderson isn't too pleased either. Oh well, I figure it's my life and it's Josh's life and we're going to do what we want. Of course, my father could decide to cut me off, in which case I'm screwed. I'm just hoping that our renewed relationship will prevent him from taking a chance that things could go bad again.

Well, I have to meet up with Natalie and JD. They are competing for the prize tomorrow night and I promised Nat that I would stop by their rehearsal to give her tips. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for her. She wants this so badly!!!

Eric and I got voted out of the competition last night. :(

It was the semi-finals so I was proud that we had gotten that far but I was hoping to get to the finale and do a free-style. Eric never really had a chance to show off his gymnastics moves.

Next week we do a group number and each of the voted off couples get to do a quick dance. I'm also doing a dance with Josh. Mona asked us to do our dance to "Can't Fight the Moonlight" from last year. She thinks it's nice to have last year's winner back again. Looks like I have a busy week ahead.

I still haven't broken the news to my mom or Aunt Lu about moving to Tennessee. I'm so nervous that I keep putting it off. I haven't been a complete slacker though. I went to school today to talk to my adviser. She said it's going to be difficult to transfer this late. She suggested that I take some distance learning classes this semester. That with the summer classes I took this year will keep me on track until I start at a new school. So that's the plan for now! The only thing left to do is get up the nerve to tell my mom and Aunt Lu!

I've decided to do it. I am going to Nashville with Josh. I told him so last night. Now I just have to tell my parents and Aunt Lu. I'm not sure how they are going to respond.

I just know that I don't want to be without him. I spent so much time trying to talk myself out of it, but when it comes down to it, I love him and I want to be where he is. We have spent too much time separated by miles. I don't want to do it anymore. It will be an adjustment but it will be worth it.

Eric and I are taking a break this afternoon from rehearsals. He had to go into work to get his classroom ready for the fall. This week we're dancing the Rhumba to "Me and Mrs. Jones" and the Tango to "La Cumparsita." Both dances are coming along really well so I'm not too worried about taking a few hours off. I'm going to use the day to talk to my adviser at school and see what I need to do to transfer to one of the schools in Tennessee.

Tonight is the night of our Cha Cha! We've gotten more focused and I'm convinced it's going to be great. After rehearsals on Monday, Eric and I watched the Olympics. He wanted to see the men's gymnastics team. It was so cool to watch it with him because he explained things to me. We were really bummed that they let the silver metal slip away at the end. :( I have a new crush on Raj Bhavsar from the gymnastics team. He's so cute!

Anyway, on to real life loves...Josh was asked to move to Nashville to work on future projects! This is huge for him. This could be the beginning of something really big! He asked me to go with him and transfer to a college down there. I'm thinking about it.

I want to be where he is, but I don't really believe in living together before marriage. I don't know...it's not a religious thing, it's just something I feel. I'm not sure what to do. I don't want to lose him, but I'm not sure if moving to Nashville is the best thing for me. Besides, my parents and Aunt Lu will flip if I move in with Josh. So much to think about! I guess that's why I like the dancing distraction right now.

Things have been weird the past few days. Josh wants me to spend time with him - and I want to spend time with him - but I have to make sure that Eric is prepared for this week. Eric is also grouchy because he thinks I'm not focused enough since Josh is back. I feel like I'm being pulled in opposite directions.

Josh's uncle asked him to work at the swim club to fill in for lifeguards that are leaving for college. I'm kind of jealous. It just feels weird that he's there without me. It's our place...our summer place...and this summer has felt really strange to me.

I'm also worried about my father. I talked to him yesterday and he said he hasn't been feeling that great. My grandparents are going back to Florida to stay with him again. I feel so bad...like I should be there.

Well, that's all for now. I'm meeting Josh for a quick dinner and then it's back to rehearsals with Eric.

Wednesday night was awesome. I was hanging out backstage waiting for the show to start when Mona walked over to me and handed me a bouquet of flowers. At first I thought they were from Aunt Lu, but then I saw the card and realized they were from Josh - and the best part is that he was there!!!!

The competition suddenly felt so long. I just wanted it to be over so that I could see him. I mean, I could see him from the stage, but I really wanted to see him for real.

Our Fox Trot wasn't that great. I wasn't concentrating enough because I was thinking about Josh and Eric was just off. The judges hammered us and I was a little worried that we might get sent home, but the audience saved us. We got the second most audience votes! It was amazing since we were having such a hard time getting votes from them in the past weeks.

After the competition Josh and I went back to New Jersey with Natalie. Thursday is my day off from rehearsals so Josh and I drove over to the beach for the day. It was so nice to just relax and hang out with him. I am so glad he's home!

This afternoon will be another long afternoon of rehearsals. This week we're dancing the Cha Cha to Michael Buble's "Sway." I love that song - one of my favorite Cha Cha's so I'm excited! We're also doing a group Samba this week to Gloria Estefan's "You'll Be Mine." We don't rehearse that until tomorrow. I hope Eric can handle two dances. He seemed really discouraged on Wednesday night.

Tonight is performance night and I'm nervous. For some reason Eric isn't clicking with the audience. I don't know what to do about it. Plus, I was upset last night because I haven't heard much from Josh over the past few days. Instead of rehearsing I wasted an hour venting to Eric about how this long distance thing - temporary as it is - is driving me crazy. It was so unprofessional and a complete waste of time. Not to mention it makes Josh look bad in Eric's eyes and I don't want to do that.

I'm just frustrated. I want Josh to come home. I miss him, and his absence is starting to put a real strain on our relationship. We are both super busy so we hardly ever talk, and when we do it's a quick phone call. I feel like we were better connected when he was in England. I just keep reminding myself that he'll be back soon.

Now I have to focus on the competition. Eric and I are meeting after lunch to go over some final things for tonight. I'm really hoping that this routine helps to show off his personality and get the audience excited about him.

This week we're doing the Fox Trot. Eric and I are dancing to "Am I Blue." It's ironic because this song rings true for me too. Not that Josh and I are breaking up or anything but I feel like our plans for August are falling through and there's one line that goes, "Am I blue? You'd be too if each plan with your man just fell through."

I'm not sure when he's going to be back now. It was supposed to be this weekend and then it got postponed to some time next week and now he thinks he might be the following week. I just wish he'd get back so we can have some of our summer together!

Rehearsals are going well. Eric really is a natural. He picks things up so quickly. He gets the steps down fast so we can focus more on technique. It really helps set us apart from the rest. The judges love Eric, but the crowd isn't as enthusiastic about him as I'd hoped. Last year the women rallied around Josh. They had this weird love affair with him and were dedicated to showing up and voting for him. I don't get the same feeling from the audience this year. They can make or break us. I just hope they make us.

Rehearsals have been hectic and I'm exhausted. I'm anxious to for Josh to get back. He was going to be home this weekend but now it's going to be at least another week before he comes home.

I'm a little worried. Eric has been so sweet and kind of touchy and now it's making me wonder if there is something there. I need Josh here to ground me. And ironically our Jive is to "Jimmy Mac." It's a song about girl missing her boyfriend who's away and there's another guy hanging around who is sweet and tempting. There's this one line that keeps ringing true for me: "This loneliness that I have within keeps reaching out to be his friend." Argggg...this really is the last thing I need.

I am not going to pick Eric over Josh, but I don't even like having a mild attraction to anyone else. Josh is the man for me - and I am a one man woman. I just want him home so that I can look into those blue eyes of his and feel his arms wrapped around me.

I keep thinking about last summer and how amazing it was to fall in love with him all over again. This summer has been so boring and dull. Maybe I'm looking for excitement. I don't know...but whatever it is, it has to end. I am not going to allow myself to become interested in Eric. I don't even like that I've written about this. :(

Things have been weird this week. Jason told Josh that he thinks Eric and I have something going on! Josh called me up and asked me if he should be worried. I told him that he has absolutely NOTHING to be worried about. Then he just dropped it. Part of me was relieved and part of me was like, "that's it?" It almost seemed like he didn't even care!

So then I spent Friday and Saturday wondering if there was a reason he didn't care. Back when I danced with Jordan, Josh hated it. But now he's suddenly cool with me dancing with Eric? Especially when his best friend warns him that I could be interested in Eric? It was weird. I called him up Saturday night and kind of freaked out over the phone. He told me that he was more worried than he let on, but he didn't want to repeat past mistakes (like the ones he made when I was dancing with Jordan). So I was feeling better about things but now it's Monday and I haven't heard from Josh since Saturday.

I hate this long distance thing. It's messing us up. I didn't have time to talk to him for a few days last week and now he doesn't have time to talk to me. It makes me wonder if he's doing it on purpose to get me back or if he's truly busy.

Meanwhile, Eric does seem like he'd like to be a little more than friends, if you know what I mean. He's extra sweet and very touchy-feel-y. I don't know if I'm imagining it because of what Jason and Molly said or if there's really something there. It's so confusing. I want this to be about dancing. That's all. Dancing. Why does everything have to be so hard and so complicated?

Week one of the dance competition is over and we're still in the game. Last night went well. We were at the top of the leader board for the men, but in second overall. The number one spot went to Natalie!!!! (Way to go, Nat!!!!)

Next is the Jive. I haven't gotten my song yet (big "grrrr...."!) because too many people were requesting the same three songs, but I'm hoping to get my top pick: "Jump, Jive and Wail." I'll find out tonight.

This is my only day "off." I'm trying to relax as much as possible because I know I've got another big week of rehearsals ahead of me. I'm going to go over to the swim club later and sit by the pool.

That's all for now!

I'm exhausted. Eric and I rehearsed all day. I'm lucky he's a school teacher and has off during the day or this would be difficult. I feel bad for some of the couples were the contestant has to work a regular 40 hour week and then rehearse on top of that. It must be so exhausting.

Tomorrow we put the finishing touches on the dance. Up until today we spent most of our time working on the steps. Today we worked on technique and tomorrow we'll work on that some more.

I took Eric out for ice cream last night after rehearsals because it was so hot and he had worked so hard. Molly freaked out at me about it. She says that I'm getting too close to him. I was shocked. Eric's a great guy, but he is in no way, shape or form Josh Anderson. I can't even believe Molly would think that me dumping Josh is even a possibility. Sure it's lonely here without him, but it's only a few more weeks. I don't feel anything for Eric that is even close to what I feel for Josh. It's just ridiculous.

Well, I am meeting up with Lauren in a few minutes to go over to the swim club. I need a nice, cool swim after a long, hot day!

The Waltz is going well so far. For the first four weeks of the competition the men are competing against the men and the women are competing against the women. Each week two couples will go home: a male contestant and a female contestant. It's a little unnerving because it means more people go home each week, but I'm feeling confident. Eric is picking up the dance really well. I just don't want to get over confident - men tend to pick up the ballroom dances better than the Latin.

Eric and I seem to make a good pair. He is an athlete so he's used to training and doesn't mind when I push him to do better. He has amazing muscle memory and complete control over his body from years of training as a gymnast. And the competitive drive helps too!

We are going to rehearse this afternoon and then we're going to have dinner with Nat and JD. I thought it would be good for Eric to spend some time with other people in the competition.

Jennifer is coming back next week to sing at our first performance. We're trying to get as may people from last year to come back so that people have a reason to show up for the show. It helps to bring them in with someone they are invested in. Mona and I are bummed that Josh isn't around, but he'll be back soon enough and then we'll get him up on stage to attract all of his "groupies" from last year.

Well, gotta run. It's almost rehearsal time!

I'm back from vacation and into dance competition mode. Our first dance is the Waltz and we're dancing to "Sam." My suspicions about Eric were right - his gymnastics background has given him the tools he needs to become a great dancer. I'm really excited. I could have a repeat win!

The vacation was okay. I was missing Josh the whole time. They had live music and dancing at night (ballroom dancing!!!) but I had no one to dance with. My father was tired the whole time. My grandmother was worried about him. Molly was out scoping out guys. It looks like she and Tim are officially over. She realized that they had no future with him living in Australia and her in the US.

I was missing Josh so bad. My father offered to fly me back to Tennessee with my grandparents, but I had to be home for dance rehearsals. So much to do, but it's good - it keeps me distracted.

I just got back from lunch with Henry. His job is going well but he also misses the swim club. It just doesn't feel like summer without the smell or chlorine and the sound of kids screaming. I think I'm going to drag Josh over there on Friday for the annual Fourth of July party.

My meeting with Eric went well. I couldn't see what kind of dance moves he has, but I did see what kind of gymnastics moves he has - and the boy has moves! I am definitely going to incorporate that into our routines. I'm so excited. I just have a good feeling about Eric. How cool would it be if I won two years in a row? :)

I'm back from Nashville. The time went way, way, way too fast. I just keep reminding myself that Josh will be home on Thursday.

Molly and I leave for vacation with my father and grandparents on Saturday. My father suggested that I bring a friend along since he gets tired quickly and my grandparents aren't exactly what you'd call adventurous. It will be nice. Molly and I can go out at night and have fun while the others rest. Plus it will be nice to spend some time with her.

I'm meeting up with Eric tonight for dinner. We're allowed to get together with our dance partners but we can't start teaching anything yet. Tonight I'm hoping to get an idea of what songs he likes and what kind of gymnastics abilities he really has. If he's good we'll be able to use that to our advantage.

Well, that's it for now. I have to get myself on the road. I promised to help Aunt Lu clean the basement for a few hours before dinner.

Greetings from Nashville. I got down here last night. Josh is working right now so I'm just hanging out at the hotel today. He was afraid I'd be bored but I've mapped my day out. I'm surfing the net/blogging this morning and watching mindless television. After lunch I'm going to use the hotel gym and then the pool. It's so nice to just relax after my torturous summer session at school!

Tonight we are going out to dinner with my grandparents. I'm not sure where we're going yet. I was supposed to spend today with them, but my grandfather had stuff he had to take care of so we switched it to dinner.

I was so happy to see Josh last night. It hasn't even been a week that he's been down here, but I've missed him so much. He'll be home next week for the holiday weekend but then it'll be weeks without seeing him. I'm not looking forward to that.

I met my dance parter for the competition on Wednesday night. His name is Eric. He's young but a few years older than me. He's a math teacher and a former gymnastics competitor. I'm psyched. That means we'll be able to use his muscle memory and athleticism to go far in the competition. I have a good feeling about him, but I'm not going to get too excited until I see him dance!

I miss Josh. It isn't so bad during the day because I'm so preoccupied with schoolwork. It's when night time comes that I miss him the most. It just feels so lonely here without him. I know I'm going to see him this weekend so I try not to let myself get too crazy.

My finals are tomorrow and then I'm free and I can finally have my summer. I just hope it's not too depressing without Josh around.

Josh asked me if I'd go to Nashville with him. I told him no. I just can't. I've committed to being in the dance competition again this summer. I get why he has to go - playing the piano is his thing. But dancing is mine. I'm not planning to hit the big time, but I want to compete in this competition and teach professionally some day. He understands but it's still going to be hard for us to be apart.

At least he's on the same continent this time. He can drive home in a day or fly home in a few hours, and the time difference is off by only an hour instead of 5. It will make things easier to handle. And I keep reminding myself that this is only for a few weeks. He's already applying for teaching jobs in the fall so I don't think he's counting on this being a big break, just something fun to do this summer.

Tonight we're going out with a bunch of friends so that they can wish Josh good luck before he leaves. Tomorrow I'm taking him to the airport. We agreed this time that it's better if I go. We don't need a repeat of last fall when I freaked out and followed him up to Newark like a crazy lady! :)

I'm going to Lauren's graduation tonight. I can't believe little Lauren is all grown up!

It's starting to sink in that Josh is leaving in a few days. I've been so caught up in school work that I haven't thought much about it. Now that it's sinking in, I'm feeling depressed. I want him to be happy and have a shot at the big time, but I hate it when he's gone. I feel like I spend so much time waiting for him. I hate waiting.

I'm trying to stay positive. Tomorrow night I'm meeting with the other pro dancers to go over some preliminary information for the dance competition. Mona said there will be some changes this year. I can't wait to get started - I think it will take my mind off of Josh not being around.

Well, I should get going. I have to drive to Pennsylvania for the ceremony and then it's off to dinner with Josh's family.

Why on earth did I take two summer classes this session? Remind me not to take advise from a psychic. I don't know what I was thinking. Why would I make a decision like this based on what a psychic tells me in a supermarket?

I miss the swim club. I miss having time to think. These classes are killing me. I just keep reminding myself that it's almost over and then I'll have summer. The only problem is that I won't have Josh. He'll be gone by then.

The reality of it is starting to hit me. I can't believe he's leaving again. I feel like he's always leaving and I'm always waiting. I hate it. But at the same time, how can I deny him the opportunity to make his dreams come true? It would be cruel to keep someone from their dreams. I love him too much to do that to him.

I'm sure the dance competition will take my mind off of things. I'll be so busy competing that I won't have much time to do anything else. Of course, I have to be paired with a good partner in order to stay in the competition. I hope Mona pairs me up with someone good. I have a feeling I will need the diversion so that I don't sit here pining for Josh all summer.

Josh got a call from the guy in Nashville and was offered a job! He's going to be down there for a few weeks this summer playing piano/keyboard for a new artist. It's really exciting. I'm excited for him. I'm sad that he'll be away for a few weeks but this is an amazing opportunity for him. I think it could lead to something big and no one deserves it more. Josh really has a true talent and he should share it.

He leaves on the 21st and will be down there until August 1st. I'm going to go down for a few days after my summer session ends but I can only stay a few days. I'm going on vacation with my dad the first week in July and then the dance competition begins. It might actually be good that Josh will be away since I'll be in crazy rehearsal mode most of July. I say that, but I know I'll miss him like crazy.

Well, I need to get back to studying...story of my life...I can't wait until the summer session is over and I can relax and have some fun. This summer session is kicking my butt!

I'm going to New York tomorrow - I can't wait. Natalie and I are going shopping. When we were little and living in Florida we would always talk about how when we were "grown up" we'd go for day trips to shop in Manhattan. I guess that means we're grown up. :)

Tonight I'm going to see the guys sing at Angelo's. At least that makes it feel a little bit like summer - even though I'm neck deep in school work.

I'm still getting used to not working at the swim club. It feels so weird not to be there. I keep reminding myself that Josh, Henry and Molly aren't there either and that helps make me feel better. But I miss it. I miss the fun we have and the carefree summery feeling that the place inspires. I like carefree and summery.

I should probably log off. I have to get moving to Pennsylvania. I promised my mom and Aunt Lu that I'd have dinner with them tonight before heading over to Angelo's.

Nicole Anderson...has a nice ring to it, don't you think? No, Josh didn't propose - and I'm not itching to get married any time soon - but we did talk about the future and he sees me in his so that's a good sign. It came up Saturday night when we were sitting on Molly's roof deck. He was looking at me and said, "Wow, our kids would be absolutely beautiful."

I was surprised at first and I asked him if he wanted to have kids with me. And he said "someday" - SOMEDAY! I've always thought Josh would be in my future but I never knew that he saw me in his. I was very happy. :)

Our weekend was fun and it was nice not to have to think about school work. My summer classes are killing me. I guess that's what you get when you cram a whole semester into a few short weeks. The long classes and the overload of homework at a time when I want to be playing and having fun is not going well. (Damn that psychic!) I am counting down the days until July gets here.

Well, back to home work. I want to get it done so that I can enjoy this weekend too!

I'm going to the beach for the weekend - can't wait! It actually looks like it's going to be nice out. The weather the past few weeks has been so rainy! I'm beginning to think they should change the phrase to "May showers bring June flowers."

I'm just waiting for Josh to get back from the city and then we're off for a fun weekend at Molly's. Alex is coming down from New York with Josh, Nat's going to be there, as well as Jason, Amanda, Jennifer, Sean, Lindsay and Lauren. I also found out today that Adam and Patrick will be there. That should be interesting...

We're going to do the boardwalk tonight. I am craving cotton candy and ice cream. I think we'll be spending the rest of the weekend at Molly's. I'm sure there will be plenty to blog about on Monday!

Yippie!!! Mark and Kristi won the mirror ball trophy! I was so excited. I was almost as excited as when Josh and I won our competition! I guess I just really, really wanted to see a woman win the contest.

I've been listening to lots of music so I'm ready for our dance competition this summer. I listen and choreograph in my head until I feel something special taking place. That's when I know the song is right. Of course, I have to get approval to use the song, and that doesn't always happen (like our Rhumba last year). I can't wait to get dancing again. I think all of the school work is dragging me down and I'm not getting any sort of creative outlet right now.

I'm going on vacation with my grandparents and father as soon as classes end. We're going to Michigan to see the Great Lakes. It's not Europe, but at least I'll get to spend some time with my father. He's been feeling better and the doctors are optimistic. Maybe now I'll have a real chance at a relationship with him.

Why did I decide to take two summer classes? I should be relaxing and enjoying my summer but instead I'm up to my eyeballs in school work. Not. Fun.

I did manage to pull myself away from homework last night to watch DWTS. My votes went to Kristi. Jason is a decent dancer but he hit a plateau a few weeks ago and never progressed. I have no idea how/why Christian is in the finals. I think Priscilla should have gotten further - and Mario (as much as I dislike his sour puss partner) was much, much better. I hope Kristi wins this. It's time for a woman to get the mirror ball trophy.

I'm looking forward to the long weekend. We're going down to Molly's shore house for a few days. The weather forecast is looking good (finally, a break from all the rain!). I'm hoping to spend some time on the beach with a good book and lots of relaxation time!

Josh is a college grad!!! I'm so proud of him. Yesterday was his commencement. We went to Tavern on the Green to celebrate. That place is so nice! Today is Josh's birthday so the celebration continues. The Anderson's are having a graduation/birthday bash for him this Saturday. I'm taking him out to dinner tonight to celebrate.

I was reading my blog from last year. I was traveling to South Dakota and going to Mt. Rushmore. I was so stressed about Josh's birthday. I seems so silly now...the crazy way we acted around each other when I got home and all the drama with Patrick, Tanya and the skunk - so glad all of that is behind us!

My summer classes started on Monday. I really wish I had had more down time because I have so much work to do. I guess that's what happens when they cram a semester into six weeks! Well, back to work so that I can enjoy my weekend celebrating with Josh.

I am loafing around the house and acting like a bum today. It's rainy and classes are over so I'm doing nothing. Molly and Amanda are at their parent's houses and Natalie is on her way to Florida. I have the place to myself. It's so relaxing.

I spent the last hour surfing the web for ideas for Josh's birthday present and graduation present. I have no idea what to get him this year. All I know is that it has to be special.

He's in New York today working on a demo. He's stayed in contact with the guy from Nashville and they are still interested in working with him. It's exciting but scary at the same time. I want him to live out his dreams, but I also don't want him to move away and forget about me. It's silly, I know, to be thinking that way. I know that what we share is too special for him to just forget about me. Still, I get worried from time to time.

I read Nat's blog today. It looks like Kelly and Jason are over again and she still has a thing for Josh. At least she's one girl that I don't have to worry about. Josh is disgusted by her.

Well, back to my online shopping...

I'm back! I finished finals yesterday so I'm free now! It's so good to be free. :) At least for a little while anyway.

This week is Josh's exam week but he only has two finals so he's much more laid back about it than I was. He took me out to dinner last night to celebrate my freedom. After dinner we watched "Dancing With The Stars."

I have a lot to say about the show this season. Monday night's episode had me so mad! The scores were so unfair. Christian was way over scored while Kristi and Mario were way under scored. Kristi did an 8 turn spin and Carrie Ann's reaction was, "I didn't care for it." WHAT?!?!? Kristi was the only star to really capture the feel of the Samba and Carrie Ann under scored her because she didn't care for it? I thought Mario was also fantastic. His Jive may have been a little messy, but I thought the Waltz was beautiful. I'm not a Karina fan (I think she's a poor loser) but the choreography was amazing and I thought Mario executed it well. I was really disappointed in the scores they were given and the subsequent dismissal from the show.

The Samba that Jason and Edyta did was a big disappointment for me. Josh and I danced to "It Had Better Be Tonight" for our Samba last year. Not to toot my own horn, but I thought ours was much better - and the Samba was Josh's most difficult dance. It sounded like they slowed down the tempo of the song and I felt like Jason and Edyta were doing the Samba in slow motion. I also thought that Cheryl and Christian were over scored. The Fox Trot was boring, and I couldn't tell what beat they were dancing on in the Mambo. I'm pretty sure they were dancing on one instead of two.

So that's my DWTS review for the week. I'm still hoping for a Kristi win. It's time a woman claims that mirror ball trophy again!

As soon as Natalie gets home from work we are heading down to the shore for the afternoon. It's such a nice day. We're going to lay out on the beach and relax!

Josh just stopped over and our conversation went like this:

Me: What are you doing here?

Josh: I wanted to see how your studying is going.

Me: You aren't supposed to be here. You're banned.

Josh: Seriously?

Me: Seriously. You're banned.

Josh: I'm banned.

Me: You're banned.

I swear it sounded like a script from an episode of "Grey's Anatomy." Seriously!

Anyway, I sent him on his way. I must focus, focus, focus. After tomorrow the load will be a little lighter but for now I must study!

I've banned Josh from the house. I'm trying to study for finals (all of my tests are this week) and he keeps distracting me. He comes over here and he looks so cute and says such sweet things and then I completely lose touch with reality and can't focus. So he's been banned. He's not allowed to see me until Thursday night.

I'm going crazy. Too much fun and not enough studying has added up to a miserable finals week. I probably shouldn't even be blogging. I just needed a break. My brain is on overdrive. I swear smoke is going to start coming out of my head.

Our showcase went well. We rocked. It was so much fun and the audience really seemed to enjoy it. A few people asked about dancing in our summer competition. I'm so ready for summer to be here and for the dancing to begin. Unfortunately I am taking two summer classes that I have to get through first.

Okay, I've got to get back to school work. More soon!

Tonight is another night of rehearsals for our showcase on Saturday. Tonight we're working on the group Cha Cha. Last night Josh and I worked on our Quickstep. I'm really proud of the choreography for it. It's not a strict Quickstep. I've added some Jive and a few Samba walks and rolls. It's a showcase though so I can take more liberties with it.

So we may be nuts, but Natalie and I decided not to go on our cruise this summer. We're thinking of putting it off until next year. The tickets haven't been bought yet so it didn't cause any hardships. I feel like I want to spend my vacation time with family this year. Since I learned my father is sick I've wanted to spend more time with the family. It's where I need to be right now.

Well, tomorrow is the last day of classes so I should get back to finishing up my paper. I'm almost done, but it takes me forever to write because I agonize over every word!

I'm exhausted. The weekend was fun but busy. Friday we headed to the shore for the weekend. Alex and Lauren joined us after the prom. We had a good time. We stayed at Molly's house the whole time just hanging out and relaxing. On Saturday we sat on the beach and enjoyed the warm weather.

Sunday morning Josh and I drove home for rehearsals on our Cha Cha number for the showcase next weekend. It was a long rehearsal. We were all exhausted afterwards. The dance is to "Let's Get Loud" which is a very fast Cha Cha. After hours and hours of dancing we were all ready to collapse.

Now I'm getting ready to see who leaves DWTS tonight. I love Mark and Kristi so I'm hoping that they stick around until the end. I just think Mark is a brilliant teacher, dancer and choreographer. I want to watch him as long as possible!

Wow - I've been a huge slacker with the blog. I can't believe it's been almost two weeks. I blame the nice weather. Who wants to be inside on the computer when it's so beautiful out?

Last weekend was a very musical weekend. Josh and I went to see Michael Buble! Awesome. I love Michael. His show was so good. It's so funny. Who knew? It was like seeing a concert and a comedy act. On Sunday night Josh's parents took us to see a Doo-Wop show in Philadelphia with some old time singers. It was fun. I didn't know all of the songs but I knew enough.

This weekend we are going to Molly's beach house. We're leaving as soon as Natalie gets home. I can't wait to go down there and breathe in some of that salt air. The water is way too cold to swim (and there are rip currents right now!) but we can sit on the beach and go to the boardwalk.

That's all for now. I'll try not to slack off again... XOXO, Nicole

Josh has to get an agent and he has to record a demo. While I've been sick in bed, he's been running around like a crazy man trying to figure things out. I have to give him credit. He's driven. I'm beginning to wonder if he'll rethink the singing thing. He's been pretty excited since he met with the record guy.

I'm slowly starting to feel better. I didn't get home from class this afternoon and collapse in bed like I did all last week. I'm still trying to take it easy though. I don't want to push myself too fast. Next weekend will be busy because I have to learn those dances and I have limited time. Josh went to the rehearsal without me on Saturday and learned his part. He was trying to explain it to me but it wasn't making much sense.

Well, I should stop blogging and start doing homework so that I'll be free to watch DWTS tonight. I can't wait to see what Mark and Kristi do tonight!

I have been sick since Tuesday night. Natalie has had it too. We've been miserable together. We must have gotten in when we were away last weekend. I can't remember the last time I slept so much. It hasn't been a fun week. I just hope I feel better tomorrow so that I can get back to my usual schedule and catch up on school work.

I was supposed to spend this weekend learning the dance routine for our show at the country club. JD wrote out the choreography for me, but it's not quite the same as dancing it. Being sick is so frustrating!

Next weekend Josh is taking me to see Michael Buble so I better feel good by then! I am so excited about seeing Michael in person! I've heard that his shows are amazing.

I was reading the DWTS message boards on ABC's website and they were ragging on the song "El Tango de Roxanne." I LOVE that song! It's one of my favorite tangos! I didn't think Karina and Mario did that great of a dance to it, but the song was not the problem. My favorite dance from last night was Priscilla's. She was fabulous, but of course, she has Louis as her partner and he is amazing!

I've decided not to work at the swim club this summer. It was a hard decision since the past few summers have been the most fun times of my life, but I can't swing it. My trip to Europe would interfere with me performing my duties, plus I'm taking some summer classes during the first summer session, and Mona has asked me to put more time in at the dance studio.

I also know that it wouldn't be the same this summer anyway. Henry has a full time job and won't be back. Josh is up in the air about whether or not he's going back. I think he wants to see what will happen with the record executive.

He's meeting with the guy tomorrow afternoon. He told me that he doesn't want to sing, which leads me to believe that I don't have to worry about him running off and becoming the next Michael Buble (even though I totally think he could do it!). His passion is the piano - not singing - so that is what he wants to pursue. I guess it kind of makes sense. He told me last fall that he was glad he was in England because it was the first time since "American Idol" started that his family didn't hound him to audition.

If Josh isn't off becoming famous this summer I'm going to convince him to meet me in Europe. He was talking about going back to England to visit with some of the friends he made. My cruise doesn't go to England but I'm going to see if I can persuade him to go to Italy since Natalie and I will be there for three days. I think it would be so romantic...

Well, I have a lot of homework to do. I spent the whole weekend playing and not doing enough work. Time to buckle down.

Josh got a call from the record exec. guy that we met through Nat's father! He's coming to New York next week and wants to talk to Josh. I am shocked! How amazing would it be if this guy discovered Josh? Of course, it also scares the crap out of me that Josh could move off to Hollywood and become famous with girls falling at his feet. Still, he's so talented and if this is what he wants, than I have to support him on this.

I'm going away this weekend with Natalie. She's been struggling a bit lately. It's been a confusing winter for her, so we're heading down to DC to get away and just have some fun. I'm looking forward to getting away and getting my mind off of things with my father. I'm constantly worried about him. It's dominating every thought.

We're not leaving until tomorrow so I'll still get to spend a little time with Josh this weekend. We're having "date night" tonight because all of our social time has been spent in groups of friends lately. He's going to spend the rest of the weekend in New York so it worked out. He can go out and party with his friends in New York and I can spend some quality time catching up with Nat.

The Anderson's are putting their house up for sale! :( They told Josh on Easter that they are buying a house closer to New Jersey so that Mr. Anderson doesn't have to travel so far to work. His doctor told him that he has to reduce stress so he's doing that by reducing his commute. They are looking at houses that are about a half hour away from where they are now.

I think I was more upset about it than Josh was. He says "a house is not a home" and that it's people that make a place home. It's a nice sentiment, but I still can't understand how he can be so carefree about his parents selling his childhood home.

I can't imagine him not being next door when we're home during the summers. I can't imagine looking out my window and not seeing his room there. It will be someone else's room - a stranger's room.

I know it's not my place to be upset about this but I am. The Anderson's are my second family and now they are moving away. Yes, it's only 30 minutes away but it won't be the same. They won't be next door anymore. :(

I am so excited about this season of DWTS. The women are awesome this time around. I really, really, really hope one of them wins. I want to see a woman take the mirror ball trophy. I'm thinking either Kristi or Priscilla. Speaking of Priscilla - I was completely shocked. I didn't expect her to be so fabulous!

Mona and I had dinner together last night. We talked about the dance competition this summer. I was worried because my cruise is the first week in July and I thought it would mean I can't dance, but Mona wants to push things back to Mid-July because people complained last year that it interfered with the July 4th weekend. Phew! I would have been really disappointed if I couldn't dance. I'm looking for a repeat win! :)

Alex is coming to town this weekend to perform with the guys. That means Denise and I will be eating free cheesecake at Angelo's on Friday night. I'm going to stay in Pennsylvania all weekend. Aunt Lu is hosting Easter so I'm going to help her out with the cooking.

I had a weird experience yesterday. I was at the grocery store and I ran into the psychic that I saw last year. I stopped her and told her how accurate she had been. She predicted Josh going out of the country and my dad's illness. She told me that I have to take classes over the summer. She was adamant about it. It was weird but she was so right last time I saw her that I picked up a summer course catalog. Maybe I'm crazy but I just felt like I should listen to her.

I'm back from Florida. We got home yesterday afternoon. It was hard leaving. I just feel weird. I don't know how else to put it. It feels like my world is being turned upside down. Looking at wills and talking about estates...it's just more than I thought I'd have to handle at this point in my life. Then yesterday before we left my dad told me that he and Nat's dad bought us each a ticket for a cruise this summer. And it's not just any cruise - it's a Mediterranean Cruise. It's absolutely fabulous, but I can't help but feel like it was a parting gift, like he wanted to do one last really, really nice thing for me.

For years I've hated my dad. I hated his drinking, I hated his workaholic tenancies. Things finally started getting better and now he's seriously ill. It's not fair. I want to have a good relationship with him. I don't want to lose out on that, and I feel like it's being taken from me.

Josh says all of my worry is premature, that the doctors are optimistic and I should be too. But my dad's not and if he's not then I just feel like that lessens his chances.

I'm also worried about losing Josh. I know it sounds crazy because things are really good between us, but I just have this feeling that something is around the bend and it's not good. He keeps assuring me that everything is going to be fine but I can't help it. I don't know why I'm feeling this way, except that Saturday night Josh was playing the piano at Natalie's family party. One of the guests works in Nashville for a record company and he was very interested in talking to Josh.

I want Josh to be happy and I want him to live his dreams, but the idea of him going off and becoming famous scared the you-know-what out of me. I just feel like I'd lose him forever if he left to pursue a musical career, and at the same time I know it wouldn't be right for me to hold him back from that.

Josh and I went to the Sarasota Jungle Gardens today. We had a nice time walking around. I've been feeling down the past few days and Josh thought it would be good for me to go out and do something.

Yesterday we hung out with Natalie and she's been down too. I really don't understand how Jason could have gone back to Kelly when he had a chance with Nat. I get that he has history with Kelly but it's bad history. It's a shame that he missed his chance to start anew.

Nat went up to Gainesville to hang out with Patrick but I'll see her tomorrow night. Her father is having a big party and they invited Josh and I over. Patrick and Arie will be there too as well as a few girls that I kind of knew before I moved up north.

Speaking of people I once knew...Josh and I ran into Jeremy last night at the mall. Awkward. Josh knows that I dated someone last year when we were apart, but it was still weird. Seeing them side by side made it easy for me to see why Josh was the one that I wanted. Jeremy comes off as such a slimy jerk. Josh even said as we walked away, "what did you see in that guy?" A rebound. A distraction. A hope that it would dull the pain of my broken heart.

Well, I should probably go rescue Josh. I'm pretty sure my grandmother is telling him the story (for the millionth time) about how she wanted to be a police officer but in her day women didn't do that...on and on it goes. Seriously, I love my grandmother but I just don't see her as a cop.

Josh and I spent the day out on Natalie's boat with Nat and Arie. It was a nice change of pace over the past few days.

The meetings with my father's lawyer and accountant were just plain depressing. They went over the "estate" with me and discussed taxes. I guess I haven't been paying attention because I had no idea that you have to pay a tax to die! I kept saying to Josh, "I can't believe you have to pay a tax to die!" He kept saying, "It's not exactly like that. Your estate is taxed when you die." Either way, I think it's lousy. My father has already paid income taxes on that money (another thing Josh pointed out). Then they expect him to pay a death tax! It's robbery.

I kept going on and on about the death tax Monday night. Josh finally looked at me and said, "Is that really what's bothering you?" Of course it wasn't. What's really bothering me is that my father is making me go over all of this stuff. This is the first time I wish my parents were still married. I wish my mother was going over all of this stuff and not me. But more than anything I wish my father would focus on health and not death! His prognosis seems good, so why is he showing me wills and explaining estate taxes?

Last night I had a dream where I saw the grim reaper. It freaked me out so badly that I ran downstairs to the guest room where Josh is sleeping and crawled into bed with him. I felt like a little kid who's afraid of the dark. My father caught me sneaking out of Josh's room this morning but he didn't even say anything. It's like he's given up on protecting me from Josh and is now pushing me towards Josh. It's really weird.

Anyway, today was the first day that I didn't have to think about death (until now), so it was a nice diversion. Tonight Josh and I are going out to dinner with his grandparents. I think we're going up to Long Boat Key. I hope Josh hurries up with getting ready because it's a bit of a hike.

That's all for now (as if it weren't enough - I just unloaded a lot!)...

I'm sitting in my father's home office in Florida. We had a nice day. Josh and I went and got shrimp and crab legs and brought them home for a seafood feast with my grandparents and father. He seems to be hanging in. He's tired and his skin color looks off, but he seems to be fighting for his health and that's a huge relief.

Josh went to have dinner with his grandparents in Bradenton. I'm hoping that my grandparents will give me some time alone with my father. I want to talk to him. He mentioned to me at dinner that he wants me to meet with his lawyer tomorrow. It makes me nervous. I'd rather him focus on the getting better than the tying up loose ends.

I have been trying to reach my father all week and having no luck. I found out today that he's been going to work! The man has cancer, he had part of his liver removed and he's been going to work! His recovery time is supposed to be 5 to 6 weeks. He's only been out of the hospital for 2! My grandmother called me this morning all upset because my grandfather keeps driving him to work. I have a feeling that this will be an interesting week coming up.

I hope to talk some sense into my father while I'm down there. I think he is preparing to die and that scares me. I want him to fight for his life. I want him to fight to be here so that we can finally have a good relationship. I want the father that I had when I was little, the father that I had before alcohol consumed his life.

My grandmother said he's been meeting with lawyers and accountants all week, which is what leads me to believe he's trying to get his affairs in order. Now this is speculation on my part, but I know that my mother is driving a brand new Lexus and considering that she doesn't have a job, I have to assume that my father has given her a large sum of money. She also mentioned to me a few times in the past few days that I'm the "sole heir." I don't know why she keeps bringing this up, but it really aggravates me.

And since I'm on the topic of my mom aggravating me...Mona offered her a job at the dance studio and she turned it down! This makes no sense at all. My mother needs a job, and a job was practically handed to her on a silver platter! Why didn't she take it?!?! Probably because my father is funding her midlife crisis.

Josh asked me last night how I can be so functional when my parents are so dysfunctional. I think it's because my mother was functional up until about a year ago. Now she's gone off the deep end.

Josh and I head down to Florida tomorrow morning. I will finally be able to see my father first hand so I'll know what's really going on. That should help to put me at ease. It will just be nice to be away from here. I need a break from the cold weather, and some warm sunshine will be nice.

I am so ready for Spring Break. I can't wait to get down to Florida and away from school work. I'm ready for some relaxation!

Tonight is the final night of the dance competition. I can't wait to see how things go. All of the dancers are doing a group dance. I didn't play a part in the choreography or the training, so I'm really anxious to see how Ron and Denise do. Josh is singing tonight too. I was hoping they'd ask us to dance again but no such luck. I'm sure they'll want him to dance this summer since he was last year's winner. I'm still working on Natalie. I think she needs to shake her groove things. :)

Speaking of Nat, we surprised her for her b-day Monday night. I almost blogged about it twice last week - lucky thing I caught myself before I posted or she would have read it and the surprise would have been ruined!

I had dinner with the Andersons Saturday night. Mr. Anderson was still talking about putting their house up for sale. Mrs. Anderson, Josh and Lauren all seemed to ignore it. I hope they don't move. I just can't imagine them not being there. They are like my second family. The thought of them moving away totally freaks me out. Josh says his father has wanted to move for years and that his mother wants to stay put so it will never happen.

Josh and I had lunch with Adam, Natalie and Patrick yesterday. I was proud of Josh. I know he feels kind of uncomfortable around Patrick, but he handled himself well. I think seeing Patrick and Natalie together helps. I also think things are more solid between Josh and I now so there isn't the same worry that was there a few weeks ago.

I got a phone call last night and when I picked up I heard, "Sunshine!" It was Henry! :) We're going to meet up for dinner Tuesday night. I can't wait to see him. Henry is like the big brother I never had.

A skunk must have been on the prowl last night because the skunk odor was all around the house when I left this morning. Josh was walking out of the house as I was getting in the car. He looked at me and was like, "What is it with you and skunks?" Like I attract them or something! Good grief! I just smiled at him and suggested that the skunks probably flock to HIM the way all of the girls do. He smiled at me and shook his head. I blew him a kiss and headed off to class.

P.S. - Happy Birthday, Natalie! :)

We ended up staying in Jersey last night. Josh was tired and didn't feel like going to a party. Keith came down here and we all went bowling. It was me, Molly and Amanda against Josh, Jason and Keith. We had a nice time and Keith was actually really nice to me the whole time.

Things got competitive and we ended up making a bet that the losers would make the winners a big pancake breakfast this morning. It sounded like a good idea... until we lost. So this morning Molly, Amanda and I made the guys a big breakfast. It was all going very well until Natalie and Patrick came walking down from upstairs. Patrick left and Natalie and Jason had a huge screaming-at-each other fight. Awkward.

After that Josh and I took Keith to the train station and then we went to a store that specializes in dance clothing. I needed some new dance wear. Josh was sitting down on a chair reading a magazine while I shopped. I swear at least three different women stopped and checked him out while we were there. He was totally oblivious to it, but they actually stopped in their tracks to check him out! I totally get it that girls like him when they hear him sing or if he flashes that sexy smile of his, but for the love of Pete, he was just sitting there! You would have thought it was McDreamy sitting there. He thinks I make this stuff up, but I saw it with my own two eyes.

Now I'm home trying to relax, and hoping Natalie shows up so I can find out what this morning was all about. I know things have been rocky between her and Jason the past few days but this was an all out war or words.

I'm going up to New York tonight with Josh. One of his friends is having a party so we're going to go check it out. For some reason I'm really uneasy about it. I guess it's just nerves because I won't really know anyone there. Well, there's Keith, but he's not my biggest fan. We get along okay but I know he still holds a grudge. He thinks that I am the reason that Josh was miserable last year, and that may be true, but it doesn't take into account that Josh is the reason I was miserable last year. You'd think he could cut me some slack - especially since neither Josh nor I meant to hurt each other!

Okay, I can see that I'm just going to continue to rant if I keep writing about Keith so moving on...

Last night I went to Angelo's after dance class to listen to Josh play piano. His parents were there so I sat and talked to them for awhile. Mr. Anderson mentioned that he wants to sell their house! I almost freaked out! The Anderson's can't move. It wouldn't be right. I can't imagine them not living next to Aunt Lu. I mentioned it to Josh later that night but he shrugged it off. His father has wanted to sell their house for years and Mrs. Anderson always fights it. Phew! I was worried there. I can't imagine how sad it would be to look out my bedroom window at Aunt Lu's and realize the room across the way isn't Josh's. Way too weird.

Tonight we teach the dancers the Quickstep. Perfect timing since I got a refresher Monday night. There are only three couples left in the competition but they all keep coming to the dance classes - Ron and Denise included - so it's really fun to watch these people learn and appreciate the art that is ballroom.

Josh is playing piano at Angelo's tonight so we're going to drive over together and then I'll go listen to him play afterwards. Angelo always gives me free desert when I go over there so it's really no hardship. :)

I am so happy it's Thursday because that means the weekend is almost here. I have no plans for the weekend but I'm excited for it anyway. I don't know why but I'm having a hard time focusing this semester. Maybe it's because my father is sick, or it could be because of all of my dancing obligations, but I suspect it's because this is the first semester that Josh and I have lived in the same state since we started dating. He's a distraction, but a really good one. I try to use Tuesdays and Thursdays as my buckle down days. He's not around and I only have morning classes so I spend the rest of the day in the library. My grades aren't suffering so it seems to be working well. I am constantly feeling guilty though - like I should be doing homework all weekend instead of hanging out with him. But as long as my grades are good I am not going to worry about it.

That said, I have another hour of studying to do before I have to leave for the dance studio. I should probably get back to work.

Last night after my dance lesson I went over to Josh's. We were sitting up in his room when he heard the doorbell ring. We figured that Jason had ordered pizza or something so we didn't really think much of it, but a few minutes later we heard Jason and another person walking up the stairs. And then we realized it was Kelly. They went into his room. Josh and I kind of just looked at each other in disbelief because we couldn't understand how Jason could possibly think about taking her back. I said, "He's not...He wouldn't!" Josh made a face and said, "It sounds like he is." So we left the house. We were too grossed out by the idea of Jason taking her back that we had to get out of there. God, what is he thinking?!?!?

This is Josh's New York night so he won't be home to find out what in the world Jason is thinking. I'm so disappointed. Jason deserves so much better than her. Also, I will admit that I don't particularly like the fact that if Jason takes her back, she will be around Josh again. I know he doesn't want her, but I still don't like it.

Anyway, on to other things... I spoke with my dad a little while ago and he's starting to feel stronger. The doctors are optimistic and he seems to be too. He's happy that Josh and I will be down in Florida to visit over Spring Break. Nat will be there too so it should be a good time.

The dance class that JD and I took last night was Silver level Quickstep. The Quickstep is one of the dances that I haven't really paid that much attention too so I'm excited about sharpening my skills. I'm still working on Natalie, trying to get her to dance this summer!

I just got back from Pennsylvania. Now I am officially procrastinating because I don't feel like doing homework. That's the problem with putting it off until Sunday afternoon. It feels like such a drag.

I did have a good weekend though, so I don't really have room to complain. Last night was the dance party. We had a really good time. It was a Swing/Jive/Fox Trot/Quickstep theme. All of the songs were old Big Band style. We had some really good dancers there last night. Josh was happy because he loves to swing dance.

I called Natalie yesterday afternoon and insisted that she come. She's been down so I thought it would lift her spirits. She spent most of the night dancing with JD. I was so impressed. Nat and I met as little kids in a tap class, but I have never seen her do any type of ballroom/latin dancing. She was really good. JD is on a mission now to get her to compete this summer in our "Dancing Like The Stars" competition. I totally think she should do it. She would awesome!

This morning Natalie and Josh joined me for brunch with my mom and Aunt Lu. The place we went to was so yummy! The shrimp were huge. I haven't seen shrimp that big since I left Florida. Everything was awesome, and it was nice having an outing with my mother that was fun. I feel like I haven't had fun with her in a really long time. She was more relaxed and she and Josh were talking and cracking jokes. I was really happy because I know that she doesn't completely approve of our relationship. She likes Josh but she thinks I should be out playing the field. I was glad that she is trying.

Well, I think my procrastinating time is up. The text books are calling my name...

I got my snow day yesterday! There is nothing better than a snow day. It's a free day to do whatever you want. Molly, Amanda and I spend the day watching "Sabrina The Teenage Witch." Amanda has the first three seasons on DVD.

Natalie got home from work mid afternoon. She needed some cheering up so we made kraft mac & cheese (extra butter!) and brownies for lunch.

I thought the weather would prevent Alex from coming down this weekend but he took the train into Manhattan and met up with Josh. They came home on the train yesterday afternoon. We all went to listen to them sing last night. We stayed in Pennsylvania over night because we didn't want to worry about black ice. Besides I have the dance party tonight.

Last night after we got back from Angelo's we were hanging out at the Anderson's house. Josh and I were going through his parent's CDs for a song to dance to. I think we're going to dance to "Opus 1." The minute I heard it I could see the choreography in my head. I think we're going to do more of a show dance. I want to use the Quickstep as the basis but I'm going to incorporate the Jive and maybe a few Samba walks and rolls. It won't be strictly one style. I'm kind of excited because I've always stuck to just one style, but JD has been showing me cool ways to mix and match. It makes things a lot more interesting.

I'm hoping for a snow day tomorrow. I'm in the mood to stay home, bake cookies and watch movies. Molly and I have a snow day tradition where we sit around all day watching a TV show marathon or movies. I would love to do that tomorrow - plus the three day weekend wouldn't be horrible either!

Last night I did my samba with Damon. We had a blast. It was so much fun performing again. The competition is getting interesting too. They are down to the last few couples and these people can dance! I'm so impressed. JD's couple is really impressive. I think they are going to take the grand prize. It's obvious that they put a lot of time into their rehearsals.

JD and I talked about plans for the showcase. The group number is going to be a Cha Cha to "Let's Get Loud." I'm really excited because I love that song, but slightly worried because it's a fast Cha Cha. I just hope the amateurs can keep up. JD has a tendency to use very difficult choreography. He also asked me if Josh would be willing to do a second dance with me. I would have to do the choreography for that one. Josh is willing so we just have to decide what style to do and then get to work on it. So much fun! I'm just so glad that I keep getting opportunities to perform with Josh. He's my favorite partner. :)

I hate Tuesdays. Josh has been staying in the city on Tuesday nights. It makes sense he has an evening class and then early classes on Wednesday, but I wish he'd come home. I miss him when he's gone.

I'm excited about "Dancing With The Stars" coming back. I'm counting down the days. I'm excited about the Mark Ballas/Krisi Yamaguchi pairing. Mark and Sabrina were totally robbed last season. I hope Mark gets a chance to go further this time. He's such a good choreographer and there's just something about him...I think he kind of reminds me of Josh.

Oh! And I'm so excited about Louie Van Amstel coming back. I love his choreography too! The stars this season might be a little boring but the pros are going to rock!

I can't wait to get back on the dance floor. I'm looking forward to doing my Samba tomorrow night, but I'm really excited about the showcase performance with J.D. He was telling me about some of his ideas and it's going to be great!