The Christmas show was a success. I came clean with Josh and told him that we weren't really replacing another act. I told him that I wanted to spend time with him. He wasn't mad, but I think he was confused. We didn't have a lot of time to talk so I still don't know what he thought of it.

I do know that Jack wasn't too happy with me. It didn't help that Mark talked to him and told him that he was going to be a "casualty in the inevitable reconciliation of Josh and Nicole." I think Mark should just shut his trap. He broke up with me because he couldn't handle things and I don't blame him for that. He was going through a tough time in his life, but he shouldn't go around saying things to other people.

Jack told me he wants to take a break. He's going to North Carolina for the holidays and told me we'll talk when he gets back. I care, but maybe not as much as I should. I don't know, as angry as I am with Mark, there is probably some truth to what he said.

It's just that when I think of my future, and I look at the picture in my head, Josh is the one standing next to me. I just can't seem to let go of that dream.

Okay, I did something. I called Josh last night and told him that one of the acts for my Christmas show canceled and I need his help. He offered to sing a song with me so we'll be rehearsing tonight. I don't know what I'm doing. I'm not sure if I'm making a mistake here or if I'm following my heart. Natalie thinks I'm nuts...soliciting advice on this blog, and making up excuses to see him - especially now that we're both seeing other people. Maybe I am nuts. When it comes to Josh, that seems like the norm.

I'm just so mad at Molly. I really hope I don't run into her next week because it won't be pretty. I can't believe she kept those letters from me. It's such a betrayal. She knew I loved him. She knew I was heartbroken over losing him. How could she keep them from me?

Now I have them and it's killing me to think that he wrote me these wonderful things and all along thought I was ignoring him! I want to tell him I have them, but I need to feel out the status of his relationship with Chelsie first.

Sigh...Why do things have to be so complicated? When do I ever get to happily ever after?

I took the day off to go holiday shopping but I can't get myself moving. I'm so confused right now. I've been seeing Jack for the past few weeks and things have been going great, but then last night Natalie came to see me. She is moving out of the townhouse and cleaning up and she found an envelope in Molly's old room. It was full of the letters from Josh. Molly has taken the letters he sent me and kept them from me!

So Natalie gave them to me and left so that I could read them. They were the sweetest, most romantic letters I've ever read. I'm just feeling so many things this morning. I'm livid that Molly kept these from me. I'm crushed that Josh poured his heart out to me and I didn't know it. I'm confused because I really like Jack, but all I want to do is run to Josh to talk to him about thing. And I'm sad because Josh has started dating someone else and even if I want to forget Jack, I have no idea where Josh's heart is at this point.

So for the first time ever, I'm going to ask anyone who's reading this to comment on what I should do. Do I forget these letters and move on? Or do I throw caution to the wind and go find Josh?

I had a fun Thanksgiving weekend. Jack came to Thanksgiving dinner. I don't know why, but I thought he wouldn't come. But he did. My mother was practically giddy that I invited a new guy. It was almost embarrassing, but Jack didn't seem to notice.

On Friday my mom dragged me out to the door buster sales. I can't stand running around with the crowds but my mom loves it so I go along. On Saturday I picked Natalie up at the airport. She stayed the night and we stayed up watching Christmas movies.

On Sunday Jack called and asked me to go out this Friday night! I can't believe I have a date with Officer Perfect...but I'm glad I do. I don't know when or how it happened, but I see a completely different side of him now. He's smart and sexy and protective. So tomorrow night...me and Jack.

I can't believe how much fun I had last night. I so needed a night out. Natalie, Lindsay and I went out for dinner and then we went over to a bar in town where they have live music. We were sitting there talking and Natalie turns to me and says, "There's a really cute guy over there looking at you." Lindsay's eyes widened and she said, "It's that cop that busted us for stealing the ladder!" (I wanted to say that SHE busted us but I was more interested in Jack). I turned and saw him and he gave me a big smile and waved.

A moment later he walked over to our table to say hello. I introduced him to Natalie and he remembered Lindsay. It was pretty funny because she seemed horrified and it took her a little while to relax. His friends came over and joined us and we all talked for while.

Jack, Lindsay and I were talking about Thanksgiving and he told us his parents moved away and the rest of his family is going to visit them. He has to work that morning so he's all alone on the holiday. Lindsay and I agreed that was horrible and we invited him to Aunt Lu's for dinner. He seemed a little hesitant but finally agreed.

I can't believe the guy I found so annoying a few weeks ago is the guy I invited to Thanksgiving Dinner!

I cannot wait until next week! I need a few days off. It will be so nice to have some down time. Of course after downtime, I'll be in Holiday Show mode as we plan for the holiday show in December. I love what I'm doing but some days I feel overwhelmed. I'm young and I've never run a business before. I see and hear my friends going out after work and having fun but all I do is work. At least it's a labor of love so that makes it worth it.

Josh sent me an email. He took a job as a long term substitute for a music program in New Jersey. He's moving back home with his parents and he's going to work on getting certified to teach in Pennsylvania. I guess he was serious when he said he was going to work on getting back here. Maybe I should have been more patient. Oh, well, what's done is done.

Tomorrow night Natalie is coming to stay with me so that I can drive her to the airport on Saturday. She said she's taking me out tomorrow night for some fun since all I do is work. I'm looking forward to it. I really need a girl's night out!

I've had a miserable cold all week. I'm finally feeling better. I was really dragging around most of the week. You'd think being self-employeed would make it easier, but no, there is so much responsibility with running a business. At least I live right upstairs. I was able to sneak away for a little bit to take a few quick naps.

My other activity this week was scoping out Jack. I hate to admit it, but every time I saw a police car I was looking to see if it was him. I didn't see him. Probably a good thing since my nose resembled Rudolph! I just can't believe that I went from hating the guy to being completely attracted to him. I just can't get him out of my head.

My speech is over. It went well. One of the other presenters was Officer Jack. I guess it really is a small world after all. He’s part of D.A.R.E.

I hate to admit this, but when he’s not pulling me over, suing me or questioning me about a burglary, he’s kind of a nice guy. I talked to him afterwards, and I think if we had met under different circumstances I would probably like the guy. He’s smart and sexy, and well, I guess it kind of sounds like I do like him, doesn’t it? It’s just weird because I thought he was such a pompous jerk and I couldn’t stand running in to him. And now I’m kind of wishing I would.

In fact, we walked out to our cars together yesterday and he said, “With the way things have been going I’ll probably see you again soon.” I laughed and told him I had no plans to break any laws. He just smiled at me and said, “I was thinking that next time we see each other it will be under more positive circumstances.” I wonder what he had in mind…

Josh's fan club has just taken things too far. I know Mona says I should be nice to them because they are potential customers and some of them do take ballroom lessons during the summer when we're running the competition - but I have had it with them.

Josh sang with the guys at Angelo's on Saturday night so I went over to see them perform. It was kind of weird because I'm not his girlfriend anymore, but Nat and Jason were going so I thought I'd tag along. When I got there Josh's parents were there so I was talking to them, and I noticed that Mrs. Anderson was looking at something behind me and she looked worried. I turned around and saw the "Joshies" were all there wearing T-shirts that said, "Team Josh." They obviously think our break up was all my fault.

Natalie wanted to leave but I didn't want them to get to me and Mrs. Anderson said I should stay. So we all sat down and the guys came out - they were all wearing white t-shirts and they wrote on them with magic markers "Team Nicole." Josh actually got up to the microphone and said that he appreciates that people care about him, but he cares about me and doesn't like it when people do things to hurt my feelings. He also said that he is to blame for our break up because he moved away. I was completely shocked. I didn't expect him to take complete responsibility for our break up.

After the show I talked to him and told him it wasn't completely his fault. He just said, "Maybe not, but it was mostly my fault." I still don't think that is true but I left it alone. There's not point it focusing on it anymore. Our lives have gone in different directions and I'm okay with it. It's just good to know that we can still be kind to one another.

So, tomorrow I do my speech at the high school. I finally figured out what I want to say. I've been practicing it all day so I feel pretty confident. Fingers crossed that it all goes well.

Uh oh...the stealing the laddering thing didn't go so well. Lindsay and I took the ladder from Aunt Lu's last night. Lindsay has a friend who's a painter so we gave it to him. Today Lindsay took off from work so we went out to lunch and decided we'd swing by Aunt Lu's to see if she wanted to join us. When we got there we saw a police car out front so of course we freaked out!

We ran inside and Aunt Lu told us she was robbed (she's missing her ladder). And this is the kicker, the cop was my dear old friend, Dudley Do Right - the same cop who pulled me over and then sued me for giving CPR to his uncle (okay, so his uncle sued me, not him, but anyway...). So he's taking a report and Aunt Lu is going on and on and Lindsay gets all nervous and guilty and admits to the cop that we took the ladder! I was ready to kill her. Aunt Lu was ready to kill us. I tried to explain why we did it but Aunt Lu didn't seem to care.

So the cop then decides that it's a family matter and he'll let us work it out. Aunt Lu and Lindsay are apologizing profusely and I'm annoyed all around because now I have to give the ladder back to Aunt Lu. So he leaved and I decide to go out to my car for something (I just didn't want to deal with Aunt Lu).

As I'm walking out Dudley Do Right turns to me and says, "I'm Jack, by the way." Then he said that on the record I shouldn't steal, but off the record he would have done the same thing. I must have smiled then because he said, "You have a pretty smile. You should do it more often." Then he left. So maybe Officer Jack isn't so bad after all.

Lindsay and I are going to Aunt Lu's and stealing that damn ladder. I went over to her house last night and there were Halloween decorations hung everywhere. I asked her about it and she said she did it all by herself. There's no way she didn't use that ladder. I don't understand why she is being so obstinate about this!

One of my ballroom students is a guidance counselor and she asked me if I would speak to some of her students about what it's like to be the child of an alcoholic. I only speak for 10 minutes, but it's been tough figuring out what I want to say. It's not that I can't think of what to say, it's that there is so much I could say. I'm having a hard time narrowing it down. I give the talk next week so I have some time, but I really want to do a good job. I want these kids to walk away with two things: if you're an alcoholic, you are possibly hurting the people who care about you; and if you're the child of an alcoholic, you can overcome their problems. I just hope I can get that across in a convincing way.

I know, I've been so bad at updating this blog. I've been so busy that I feel I hardly have time to breathe! I spent most of last week trying to get myself settled into the apartment. I can't tell you how convenient it is to live above the dance studio. I roll out of bed, into the shower and down the stairs to work. Amazing!

I had my court date for saving a guy's life last week. As my lawyer said it was thrown out because we were covered by the Good Samaritan Law. I'm just annoyed that it happened. But you'll never believe who was there - the cop that pulled me over! He is the guy's nephew! Figures. Both of them are jerks...although, Dudley Do Right tried to stop me on my way out and claimed that he tried to talk his uncle out of the whole thing. He said, "I'm not a bad guy." Whatever. Why should I care? It's not like I plan on seeing him again!

Josh and I had a little time to talk. We both acknowledged that we're disappointed with how things ended this summer. He said he's not angry anymore but he said we should just be friends. I admit that it stung to hear him say that, but I think he's right. Things just got too messed up between us. I'll probably always love him, but we're in different places. I'm okay with it. Really. :)

Lindsay and I are getting frustrated with Aunt Lu. She keeps climbing up her ladder and doing things like cleaning out the gutters and cutting back tree branches. I'm really worried about her hurting herself. She just doesn't listen and insists that she can do these things. I'm just concerned because she broke her hip once already and I don't want anything to happen to her.

I just got back from traffic court. I was really hoping the officer who pulled me over wouldn't show up but of course he did. I swear the guy thinks he is Dudley Do-Right. He was all proper and high and mighty. It just annoyed the hell out of me. Anyway, I got no points but I have to pay the fine. Grrr...

Anyway, now I'm just thinking about court next week. I am still in shock that I am being sued for saving a man's life. Seriously, he'd be dead right now if it hadn't been for me and Josh. It just really makes my blood boil.

My mom is coming to town this weekend. We're going to go up to New York for a little retail therapy. She thinks I need to loosen up a little. She says I'm too stressed. Maybe she's right but I have a lot going on right now. I'm just out of college and I already own my own business. I'm trying to learn and figure things out and on top of that I have to deal with court cases. And for all intents and purposes, I've lost one of my best friends because Josh and I can barely stand to be in the same place at the same time. And it sucks because all I ever wanted was to be in the same place at the same time.

Oh well. Maybe a weekend of shopping, Broadway shows and a stop at the spa will help. Aunt Lu is coming along so it will be a nice girl's weekend.

Next week they will be finished renovating the apartments above the dance studio so I'll be able to move in. Lindsay is going to room with me and Alex is taking the second apartment. This is going to be a good thing. I love living with Aunt Lu but I want my own space. I have a good feeling about this. And it reminds me that I may be stressed right now because I'm trying to learn and I'm in a new role, but things do get easier and there is always something fun and excited to look forward to.

Sorry it's been awhile but I've been dealing with some unpleasantness. I was notified that Josh and I are being sued for breaking the ribs of the guy we gave CPR to! Can you imagine? We saved the guy's life. Now he's suing us. Josh came down from New York today so we could meet with my lawyer.

That was fun (sarcasm...). Josh still isn't real happy with the way we left things so he wasn't exactly Mr. Friendly. My lawyer says this will be thrown right out of court because Pennsylvania has Good Samaritan laws and Josh and I are both trained and certified in CPR. BUT...we still have to go to court. Yea! (More sarcasm...)

So that's life around here. Tomorrow I go to traffic court to fight my ticket. I called up all angry and they pushed me up in the process somehow. Two court dates in two weeks. Ugh.

Things at the dance studio are going great though. Our classes are full and people are having a good time and learning. The Zumba class with Eva turned out to be a great thing. She's bringing in crazy numbers and we're thinking of adding more classes. I guess Mona was right.

Mona and I are having lunch on Friday. She's been hanging back but we always agreed that she would have a place at the studio so I want to get her back in. I know it's weird for her, but I'd love to have her guidance.

That's it for now. I have a private less in 20 minutes so I have to get ready!

So annoyed. I just got pulled over for "rolling through a stop sign." I so did not roll. I stopped. I was so annoyed that I started arguing with the cop. It didn't help and he ended up giving me a ticket and telling me that I could argue it in court. I am so going to argue it in court! Grrrr...!!!

Anyway, the rest of my week is going okay - just very busy. I had no idea that running my own dance studio would be so busy. I like it though. No complaints. I feel like this is the right place for me. Classes are starting up and people are having fun. I like having all of the activity around.

I heard that Josh is back on the east coast, but he's in New York so I'm not sure if I'll be seeing him. I think it's okay though. There was a reason that things played out the way they did this summer. I don't think that this is our time. And I think I've finally accepted that.

So I went from completely ticked off to calm and cool in three paragraphs. Go figure! :)

Hmmm...Josh posted on facebook the following status update: "Project in LA got cancelled. Heading back East this weekend." So...what does that mean? He's coming home? Home to PA? Or home to NY?

He didn't call on my birthday. He's always called before. I know things are bad right now, but he's always called. This year he didn't call. I know things didn't end well. I know he was mad when he left, but for some reason I expected him to call.

I really screwed this up. I should have given it a chance. I shouldn't have kept him at a distance. I should have tried to trust that it would work out, because the fact remains that I love him. And I can't imagine loving anyone else the way I love him. And as much as I try to move on, the truth is that the idea of saying good-bye to him is the worst thing in the world. I can't imagine going through life without him in it. I just don't know how to get him back. What do I do? What do I say? He's obviously done or he would have called. Maybe it's too late.

I hope it's not too late. :(

Busy day at the dance studio. It's good though...keeping my mind off of things.

Last night I had dinner with Raj and Anisha. Anisha said that it's a shame to throw away years of history with Josh when I clearly still love him. She said I should call him, have a serious talk about the future, see what he says and then take a leap of faith.

That was my plan. All the way home I kept thinking about talking to him to see how we might work things out. Then Molly called and she gave me a completely different prospective. She thinks I've wasted enough time and that I need to get over school girl fantasies. She said I'm going to be constantly disappointed if I continue to live in the past. She pointed out that I went back to the swim club this summer and made Josh dance in the All Star number so that I could relive 2007. She thinks I need to let it go and get on with my life. She said, "You can't relive the past. Just appreciate it for what it was and move on so that you can be happy again."

So who is right? I'm so confused now. Do I call Josh up and take a leap or faith? Or do I move on?

Okay, new topic. I had some contractors out to look at the apartments above the studio and it is definitely do-able to renovate them and stay within my budget. Alex wants to rent the other one. I'm going to ask Lindsay if she wants to move in to the second bedroom in my apartment. I'd like to have a roommate and she wants to get out of her parents' house. I think it could work out really well.

One more day to go and I'll be the owner of the dance studio!!!!!

I was trying to save myself heartache and it didn't work. I'm miserable. Josh is gone and we're through and I wasted an entire summer living in limbo. I wish I were more wise or had a better idea of what I was doing instead of just going through the motions and hoping for the best.

I am about to become the owner of the dance studio. Plus I'm the owner of my dad's business. You'd think I'd have better judgment. I hope I can do this. I hope I don't screw up the dance studio. Yesterday Eva stopped by. She got licensed to teach Zumba and she wants to teach at the studio. My initial reaction was to say no - mostly because she had been flirting with Josh earlier this summer (stupid, I know...). Mona pulled me aside and explained that as the runner up in the dance competition, Eva had established a following and would probably attract a large client base. I agreed to let her do it, but I needed Mona to get me thinking like a business person and not a jealous ex-girlfriend.

I am going over to Raj and Anisha's house for dinner tonight. I'm hoping it will cheer me up a little bit. I can't keep sitting around thinking about Josh. I need to get my head on straight so that I can run my business. I'm not a kid anymore. I need to grow up and get my priorities straight.

Josh and I were arguing...again. This time was pretty bad though and he's heading off to California and I just think that the special thing we once had is over. I just couldn't let go of my fears. We were together all summer and I kept him at a distance because I was scared and I couldn't shake it. He promised me last fall that he would move home and then when the time came to do so he stayed here. How can I trust that this time is different? It's always the same old story. We get together and then he leaves.

This time, though, he was really mad. It wasn't the gentle, understanding, "I'm-sorry-for-the-way-things-are" Josh. This was mad Josh. He told me that he'd had enough and that I had finally convinced him, after all of these weeks of hemming and hawing, that we are not meant to be together.

So fine. It's over. What can I do? I can't be with someone who is not around. And I don't think it's fair that he's putting this all on me. He's the one that leaves. I've been a resident of Pennsylvania since 2004. He's the one that has been in New York, England, Tennessee and California. He's the one that disrupts our relationship constantly. How can he expect that I wouldn't have reservations?

I guess things are better this way. I just wish I felt better.

Josh and I had a fight today. He accused me of keeping him at arms length. He's right. I admit he's right, but I have reason to protect myself. He keeps leaving. I'm scared to get too close. I can't stand having my heart broken over and over again.

I don't know what to do. He leaves again in a few days, and we're not together and we're not not together. It's so confusing. I don't know where we stand and I know that it's partially my fault because I'm holding back. I just can't give myself when I'm so unsure of where we stand.

It's times like this that I wish I had a crystal ball.

I'm freaking out. I know I'm freaking out but I can't stop myself. Josh is leaving again in a week and I'm freaking out. I just can't go through it again. He says it's only for a few weeks but I'm scared. Every time he goes, he takes a piece of my heart with him and I'm left heart broken. What if he doesn't come back? What if he gets out there and they convince him to stay?

Lets face it, his father is better. He doesn't have to stay home anymore. They convinced him to stay last winter when he was planning to leave. I just can't take the disappointment again. I've been holding him off at arm's length all summer because I'm scared.

I wish I knew what to do because I can't seem let myself go and be open to him.

Guess who is this year's winner of the Dancing Like the Stars competition?!?!?!?!?!? Raj and me!!!!! Woot Woot!!!

The whole night was perfect. Our Paso, and our Samba went great. Raj actually took to the Samba naturally which is rare. Our free style was to a song called "Om Mangalam." It's a song that I hear Anisha listening to when I had dinner at their house one night and I knew it was the perfect song. So we did a ballroom-bellydance-bhangra fusion to it. The crowd LOVED it. The judges said that it was hands down the best free style they had ever seen!

The All Star dance was awesome we danced to Beat It, Billie Jean and Wanna Be Starting Something. Billie Jean was so much fun. Josh and I started off behind a white sheet with a light behind us so that the audience could only see our shadows. Then when he walked out from behind the sheet, everyone went crazy because they all thought he wasn't going to dance. It was hard staying in character with them all getting so excited.

It was an awesome night. Afterward we had a party at Angelo's. Lots and lots of fun.

Today I slept in real late. I haven't had much time for sleep this week. By the time I hit the sheets last night I was completely beat. When I finally dragged myself out of bed this morning I went to the dance studio. I take official ownership of it on September 1st. I was walking around the place and I decided to renovate the two apartments above the studio. I was thinking I could live in one and maybe rent the other (still thinking about that because I'm not sure if anyone would like all the noise we make). So I've got a new project!!!!

Tonight I'm going out with Josh. We are going to celebrate my second win.

Raj and I are in the finals! It's our last week and we have three dances. We're doing the Paso Doble to "Cowboy Casanova" the Samba to "Fuego" and our free style is to a Bollywood song called "Om Mangalam." Raj has off all next week so we've got lots of time to rehearse. I'm so excited. I can feel victory right within my grasp. I want this win and Raj does too so we're going to be working hard.

I'm trying not to get too distracted by Josh. It's hard because his mere presence is a distraction, but he understands that I want to win and he respects that.

We also found out that his job in LA has been moved up. We thought he would be here until September 7th but now he's leaving August 29th. I haven't had time to freak out. I think I've been keeping him at arms length all summer because I don't want to get too emotionally attached and then have to say good-bye again. It kills me inside when he leaves. I know he says he'll be back, but what does that mean? Will he be back in Pennsylvania or will he be in New York? I guess we need to talk. There's just not a lot of time. I sleep, eat, go to the swim club and rehearse. Then I do it all again.

I guess things will work out one way or the other. They always do.

Yesterday was a busy day. Camp in the morning, rehearsals with Josh in the afternoon and rehearsals with Raj at night. It was a good day though...a very good day.

Josh and I were talking. He wanted to know about my intentions if we do an All Star competition next year. Would I choose him? Would I choose Raj? I said, "How do you not know by now that if you're a choice, you are always *the* choice?" He just smiled at me and said, "I guess I do know." I pressed him and he said, "Well, you do wear your heart on your sleeve." I told him that I do not.

So he walked over to me and said something like, "Come on, Nicole. Don't tell me that being close to me doesn't make you feel a certain way." I just looked at him and said, "What way is that?" He pulled me closer and said, "Your knees are a little weak. Your body temperature a little warmer. Your heart is pounding." I put my hand to his chest expecting his heart to be a steady thump but it was pounding too. I looked up at him and said, "What about your heart?" Then he said, "My heart loves you." So sweet. And then he kissed me.

Then I had to rehearse with Raj and I couldn't concentrate at all. I have no idea how I got through it. All I could think about was Josh.

I rehearsed all morning with Raj. We worked on our Tango. It's coming along well. This afternoon I rehearse for the group All Star number and then tonight it is back to rehearsals with Raj to work on our Mambo. I think I'm going to be exhausted.

Josh and I started work on our Cha Cha to "Billie Jean" last week. I'm excited about how well it's going. I think it's going to knock everyone's socks off. Josh's fans will be really excited because no one knows he's going to be dancing.

Well, not much time to blog. I have to grab some lunch and get ready for rehearsal #2.

My computer has been on the fritz. I finally got it back from the repair shop today but I have a feeling it won't last much longer. Now I'm trying to decide...mac or pc?

So things went well this week on the dance floor. I think it was our break through week. The dance was hot and fun and entertaining. I was really happy with how great it went. We're through to the next week and we're working on two dances now. We're doing the Tango to "El Choclo" and the Mambo to "La Pantera Mambo" (it's a Mambo that samples the theme from "The Pink Panther" - really fun!).

Mrs. Anderson got voted out of the competition this week. She seemed kind of relieved. I know she had fun but it was a lot of work for her. I asked Josh if he would still be coming to the shows. He said he'll be there to cheer me on.

Ocean City was a lot of fun last weekend, but it was hard for me to unwind when I was thinking about all of the rehearsal time I was missing. Still, I managed to have fun. And I beat Josh at our skee ball challenge!!!! :)

I just got home from our Cha Cha lesson at the dance club. Raj and I will be dancing to Lady Gaga's "Telephone." I was nervous about the song at first because I hate using songs that were recently used on "Dancing With The Stars," but I have most of the choreography figured out and I think it will be a hit.

Still no Josh. He's back in town but he was at the swim club tonight so I won't see him until we head out to the shore tomorrow night.

I'll be spending the day with Raj tomorrow. We've got a long day of rehearsing before he heads out of town for the weekend. I came right home after the lesson tonight so that I can pack and rest up. I've got a few very busy days ahead!

I am seriously missing Josh, and we're not even dating! I'm really hoping he shows up tonight. He was supposed to be back from New York this afternoon, but Lauren said he might be up there until Friday. :(

We did chat over IM last night after I got home from my rehearsal with Raj, but I'm pretty sure it just made me miss him more. It was fun and flirty. This is what he said:

J: how have things been going at the club?
N: Busy, but good - I’m just a little frazzled trying to get things done before we head to the shore. I want to have a stress-free weekend.
J: Sounds like a good plan. Are we still on for our skee ball challenge?
N: Yep, be prepared to have your butt kicked!
J: Wow, trash talk, Bradford! I’m shocked!
N: Shocked about the trash talk, or shocked that I’m going to kick your butt?
J: I don’t recall you being the best skee ball player
N: Ouch... That hurts.
J: I’m just saying...
N: Well, I’ve got new tricks up my sleeve. I’ve developed skills.
J: Wow, skills, huh?
N: That’s right. This is the new and improved Nicole.
J: I’ve never thought you needed to be improved, but I’ll admit I’m intrigued... So what other skills have you developed?
N: Wouldn’t you like to know? ;)
J: Actually I would like to know...
J: Everything.
N: A girl can’t give away all of her secrets.
J: Ah, a woman of mystery.
J: Shoot – I just realized what time it is. I have to run.
N: I see...you have big plans for the evening?
J: Wouldn’t you like to know?
N: Touché
J: LOL....See you tomorrow, Nic
N: Bye.

I am so psyched for this weekend at the shore. It really couldn't have worked out better. And I am going to kick his butt in skee ball. :)

I spent a few hours after camp helping out at the swim club today. Josh is in New York for a few days so I am helping out at the club. He's doing a favor for a friend. In exchange he's getting his friends house in Ocean City, New Jersey, so a bunch of us are going down next weekend. It works out great since Raj is out of town this weekend.

Molly's going away party was fun but sad. I just can't believe she's actually going. And I'm shocked that she's going to live with Tim before marriage. That seems like something she would disapprove of if it were someone else.

Tonight is more rehearsal with Raj. Our Fox Trot is going well so far. I know it's still early in the game, but I just feel like we're going to win this thing. I just feel it, and I'm going to do everything I can to make sure it happens!

Our Rhumba went great!!! The judges loved it and said that we totally sold it. They said they could tell that we were connecting. They asked me if it was personal to me. I answered "yes" and I could feel Josh's eyes on me. I got a little emotional and I think that helped people believe it more. I was, of course, pretending Raj was Josh during the dance so that may have helped a little. We were the first couple declared safe so I'm pretty sure we had the highest audience votes of the night.

Afterward Josh came up to me at the reception. He said he liked the dance. Then he told me that he talked to Amber and he broke it off with her. Raj and Anisha came over to us then and Anisha asked if she could come to the Thursday night dance lessons. They are open to the public so I told her she should definitely come and she could dance with Raj. I said I'd just help with the teaching, but Josh offered to try to come as many of them as he can so that I have someone to dance with.

So last night I walked in and the "Joshies" all noticed that Anisha was there and they wanted to know who I was going to dance with. I told them that I had a stand-in and I could see them all looking around for their favorite guy. One woman practically jumped for joy when Josh walked in. It was fun dancing with him. I did help out with the teaching a little bit so Josh danced with a few members of his "fan club."

Today Josh and I started rehearsal for our cha cha to "Billy Jean." I feel like this is one of the strongest pieces of choreography I've ever done. I really feel that the classes I took in New York last winter and spring made a huge difference. I feel like I've gotten to an all new level. Josh even mentioned this afternoon that he's been really impressed with my choreography.

Tonight I rehearse with Raj. It's Fox Trot week. We're dancing to "Am I Blue" by Linda Ronstadt. I'm not too worried. I think he'll be able to handle it without a hitch. I'm a little nervous for next week. Raj has an out of town wedding to attend so we're going to lose an entire weekend. He's taking off from work on Friday and Monday so we can rehearse. I just hope we'll be okay. We'll be doing a Cha Cha that week and I want it to be hot. Our dances so far have been nice and sweet. I want the Cha Cha to be hot and it's going to take some work.

Tomorrow night we're having a going away party for Molly. She has decided to move to California to live with Tim. She's flying out on Sunday. This all just happened and it seems really sudden, but she hasn't found a job here and she loves him so I guess it's the best thing for her. It's just going to be weird to not have her around.

Well, time to get ready for rehearsals...

Raj and I are doing a Rhumba to "No Air" and it's a very personal dance for me. Every bit of feeling behind it has a very real influence from my life, and I'm finding that it's zapping a lot of my energy. But I know that if we pull it off, it will be a huge hit. Raj and I have been told we need to work on our connection. Last week when Mark and I danced the judges commented that Raj and I needed that kind of connection. I'm hoping this dance gets us there.

So Sunday was quite the day. The party at the Anderson's was kind of weird for me. One of the contestants, Eva, was hanging around Josh all day so I tried to ignore him as much as possible. I just didn't want to deal with yet another girl throwing herself at him. Anisha (Raj's wife) told me that he kept looking over at me but I didn't bother to look back. I had had enough of watching girls following him around all the time.

I went to the house to get something out of the kitchen and Mrs. Anderson was in there. We were talking for a few minutes when Josh walked in. Mrs. Anderson asked us both to go to the store to pick up a few items they were running low on. I couldn't say no to Mrs. Anderson so it was off to the store.

Josh and I headed out and I just wasn't really in the mood to deal with him...there was a huge accident on the way there so we got stuck sitting in traffic. I kind of feel bad because he was trying to be nice to me, and I was being short with him. It just doesn't feel right to me to make small talk with someone who knows you more intimately than anyone else. I just can't pretend we can be casual. It just feels too weird.

Anyway, we finally get to the store and we're gathering up a bunch of stuff when we see an older man fall on the ground in pain. Josh rushed over so I followed. The rest is a blur. I just remember Josh starting CPR and me calling 911. The store employees couldn't find the defibrillator and all of the emergency vehicles were tied up at the accident we had passed. Josh and I took turns doing CPR until they got there and then we had to continue in the ambulance all the way to the hospital because they were short on EMT's. I have never been so scared in my life. Oh, and I could hear the guy's ribs breaking when Josh started CPR. I will never forget that.

We got to the hospital and collapsed in the ER waiting room from exhaustion. They don't tell you in CPR training how exhausting CPR is. Josh's car was back at the store so we had to wait for Lauren to come get us. I pretty much had a break down in the waiting room. All of the stress just came to a boiling point and tears just started spilling out of me. I was finally grateful it was Josh that I was with because anyone else would have thought I was a complete spaz. Plus, he's so sweet to me that he just put his arms around me and told me it was completely normal to feel emotional after such an ordeal.

Lauren picked us up and took us back to her house. I figured the party would be over but everyone was waiting there for us to hear about the ordeal. They had been worried when we never showed up and thought we had been in the accident. Well, except for JD who said, "I just figured you and Josh were off canoodling somewhere." I couldn't help but steal a glance in Eva's direction. She was frowning but I hope that helped get the message across that she's wasting her time.

So that was Sunday. My back was so sore that night. Josh had tried to talk me into a dip in the hot tub before I left but I wanted to go home. I'm kind of wishing I had stayed. I just can't be in a hot tub with him right now.

Ug, I really hate the way things are. I want Amber out of the picture and I want to feel sure that he's going to stick around. I have spent our whole relationship waiting for him to come back from some place or dreading when he leaves. I don't know if I can keep doing that. I need him here. I need him to stay.

Rehearsal schedules and dance camp have kept me pretty busy but the competition is going great! We're rehearsing our third dance now: the Rhumba! We got through the Waltz and the Jive with flying colors. The judges only real criticism is that we need to work on our connection a little.

Mark and I did our Cha Cha performance to "Mercy" on Wednesday. It was fun dancing with him again. I couldn't help but enjoy the fact that Josh was there to see what a great dancer Mark is. I guess I wanted him to feel a little jealous since Amber is still in the picture.

I also kind of ticked him off on the 4th of July when I did a karaoke version of "Don't Cha." I don't think he appreciated it and things have been a little icy between us since then.

Mrs. Anderson is having a pool party this afternoon for the cast and I happened to check out the schedule at the swim club. Josh isn't working so I know there is a good possibility that he'll be there.

Josh was supposed to talk to Amber tonight to break things off, but her friend was in an accident and was killed. She's really upset and Josh doesn't think this is a good time. I feel really bad for Amber, but I can't help but feel annoyed that Josh isn't free and clear. It just feels like the universe is telling us that it's not going to work. I don't know what to think. I love him, but the past few years have been an emotional roller coaster. We're constantly trying to get back together and failing.

I know he's home for the summer, but then what? In exchange for the summer in Pennsylvania, he had to agree to go back to California for a few weeks in the fall. I don't know, the timing just doesn't seem right.

Busy few days. Lots of rehearsing and working. I'm glad to have an afternoon to myself.

Okay, so Saturday night I went to Lauren's girls' night. It was all of her sorority sisters so I was kind of the odd one out. I was kind of hoping Josh would be around but he wasn't so I tried to have a good time but I just wanted to get out of there. Later in the evening we went out to the pool and we were sitting there when one of the girls said, "Ooh, hot big brother is home." I turned and saw Josh walking towards us. He smiled and waved at everyone and then he saw me and his face lit up. I finally felt comfortable.

I was sitting on the edge of the pool and he walked over and sat down with me. He had just gotten back from work - which made me happy because I thought he was with Amber. We were talking and the rest of the girls decided to go inside but I stayed there with Josh. We talked for a while about the swim club and then he asked how rehearsals for the All Star performance were going.

I told him we hadn't started yet and that I was bummed because I have great choreography for "Billy Jean" but no leading man to pull it off. He asked why Mark wasn't doing it, and I told him that Mark was a great dancer but I needed a great performer. He said, "It's a shame to let great choreography go to waste."

I nodded and then I felt myself tearing up! Ugh, so embarrassing! But it gets worse because I did what I said I was absolutely NOT going to do! I said, "Why don't you want to dance with me, Josh?" He looked at me and said, "Whoa, who said I don't want to dance with you?" Then he told me that he opted out because he thought I was already dancing with Mark and he didn't want me to reject him! Then he asked if I wanted him to dance with me. I nodded and said, "If you want to." He wiped the tears off my face and pressed his forehead against mine and said, "Of course I want to. I'd do anything for you, Nicole. Anything." Then he leaned in and kissed me. And it was such a good kiss, except that Amber popped into my head. I pulled away from him and said, "you have to break up with her." He nodded and said he would.

Busy day of rehearsing with Raj. Tomorrow I'm working on a showcase piece with Mark, Natalie, JD, Lauren and Damon. We're going to do a dance at the July 4th celebration. Josh asked me to do it and I jumped on it as a way to advertise the dance studio.

Tonight I'm heading over to the Anderson's house. Lauren is having a girl's weekend while her parents are in Connecticut. I'm not really looking forward to it, but I promised I'd go. It's all of her sorority sisters so I'm not really going to know anyone, but Lauren really wanted me there.

That's all for now!

Today was so nice. I got to sleep in! No camp on Fridays. I can't believe how tired I am after just one week of camp and rehearsal. It's just going to get busier and busier as the summer moves along.

We had a meeting last night to go over the numbers for our Michael Jackson tribute. We're doing Beat It, Billy Jean and Wanna Be Startin' Something. We wanted to stay away from doing anything like the number on "Dancing With The Stars." We wanted it to be our own. I still have to figure out what I'm going to do with Billy Jean. We talked about splitting it up. Mona and JD wanted me to talk to Josh about doing it. I'm still not sure. Although I am sure that I am not going to go to Josh and beg him to do it.

Raj and I had an abbreviated rehearsal. I can't believe how good he is. I feel like I hit a gold mine! I really hope he does well when we get on stage. I would love another trophy!!!!

I'm trying to steer clear of Josh. It's best that I stay away from him. He is my boss for the next few weeks and I don't want to get all mad at him over his lack of participation in the All Star performance. I'm just bummed. I told JD and Mona about this great idea I had for the "Billie Jean" portion of the MJ Tribute and it requires a leading man. Josh is really the only male dancer we've had that can pull of a performance that big. There are other dancers who are technically sound, but I really wanted someone with a big stage presence to dance with me. I guess without even consciously thinking about it, I pictured that someone being Josh.

Well, I'm just going to have to get over that. It's not happening. I'm trying to focus on what is happening. I'm focused on Raj. The Waltz is coming along beautifully. I'm not worried at all. In fact, he's learning so fast that we're going to start rehearsing our second dance (the Jive) so that he's ready for week 2. I'm also working with Mark on our Cha Cha to "Mercy." That is one of my most favorite dances that I've ever done so it's nice to relive it. And it's nice to be getting along with Mark again. I really care about him, even if it's just in a friendship sort of way.

I got the low down on the Lauren and Alex break up. He graduated a few weeks ago and decided he wants to live here in Pennsylvania. Lauren freaked out because she has two more years of school in Connecticut and she moved up there to be with him. I guess she was expecting him to stay there. He's not so she gave him an ultimatum and he didn't take it. They are both furious with each other. It's really not good. Lucky for Alex, Aunt Lu is going to let him stay with her until he gets a job and finds a place of his own.

Well, time for a quick dinner and then it's off to dance rehearsal!

My coffee with Mark was nice on Sunday. We got to talk and he doesn't seem mad at my anymore. We're going to start rehearsal for our All Star performance of our Cha Cha. We do it the second week of competition. Natalie is doing the first All Star performance the first week. She is doing her Jive to "Candy Man" - one of the best performances we've ever had so I'm really looking forward to seeing it again.

I found out that Josh opted out of being in the All Star performance. I have to admit that I'm kind of hurt. I don't know why he opted out but it still stings. He's my only winning partner. He's the most popular dancer we've ever had. When Mona told me, I couldn't help but take it personally. I mean, I'm helping him out at the swim club this summer and he can't even do one stinking dance with me? Mona asked me to try to talk to him, but I told her no. I'm not going over there and begging him to dance with me. I need to stay away from him.

Maybe Henry was right. Maybe Josh and I can't get along. Just writing this is getting me all worked up. I'm glad he doesn't live next door or I would probably go over there and give him a piece of my mind. Grrr!!!

Today was my first official day back at the swim club. I was a little nervous but it was fun. The kids were excited and the place was buzzing with the first day of camp and swimming lessons.

My group has swimming lessons at the end of the morning which works out well. We dance for a while, get all hot and sweaty, and then head for the pool. Josh was walking around the pool making sure all was going well when I got out there with my group. I have to admit, I got a small amount of satisfaction out of the double take he did when he saw me come outside in my bathing suit - especially after spending hours and hours over the past few months doing dancer's exercises to tone and shape up. I love that he noticed, even if he didn't come out and say it. When it came to actually talking, he was all business. I didn't seem him again before I left, but I can't help smiling every time I think of the way he looked at me.

Maybe I shouldn't be thinking about the way he looked at me. I just can't help it though. When it comes to Josh no amount of will power is enough to keep my mind off of him.

Ugh. I'm exhausted. Lauren called last night and kept me on the phone for hours telling me about her break up with Alex and asking me questions about what he told me. Then she started in on how much she hates Amber and how I need to steal Josh away from her. Why do I always get caught in the middle of this stuff?

This morning I rehearsed with Raj for a few hours. Things are going well with him. He's a great dancer!!! But my cell kept ringing all morning and it was very distracting. I finally decided I should answer it. It was Mark. It's father's day and he sounded upset. I'm really surprised that he reached out to me instead of holding it in, which is the typical Mark thing to do. I'm going to meet him at Starbucks later to talk.

I also need to get over to the swim club to set up the dance room for dance camp tomorrow. During our last summer at the club I remember lamenting to Josh that it was over, and he said we'd be back. I hate that he's always right. I was hesitant to go back, but now I'm excited about it. I love that place and I can't wait to work with the kids. I only hope that Henry was wrong when he said Josh and I need a referee. I'm going to do my best to get along with him and be a model employee.

I met Raj and his wife, Anisha, last night. They are both really cool. Anisha teaches yoga and belly dancing so we had a nice time talking. They invited me to stay for dinner so I ended up missing the gathering at Nat's. I think it was for the best. I heard that Josh and Amber were there and that would have made me uncomfortable.

Today was my first day of rehearsal with Raj. We're doing a Waltz to "Sam" by Olivia Newton-John. He wasn't thrilled with the song but it was assigned to us. I told him I'd try to have more influence over future songs. I think he wants songs that are a little more current. He seems like a pretty good dancer so far, and he wants to win. I might actually have a true contender on my hands. I'm trying not to let myself get my hopes up too high.

I got home around 5:00 and about 15 minutes later the doorbell rings. Alex was standing there with his bags. He's going to be staying with us for the summer. He and Lauren broke up and he doesn't want to stay at the Anderson's house anymore. I swear there is never a dull moment around here.

I just got back from lunch with Henry and he laughed his ass off when he heard that I'm going to be working for Josh at the swim club this summer. I asked him what was so funny and he said, "who's going to referee the two of you?" I know he's talking about summer of 2007 - a summer that ended well but started off rocky and Henry had to step in a few times to help us keep the peace. I told him that we are past all of that. I know we haven't spent a lot of time together, but so far things with Josh have been very amicable. I really respect the fact that he took a step away from the fast life to help his family. And by running the dance camp I'm helping him. I just seems like the right thing to do.

Mona called this morning and told me that they want to do All Star performances this summer in addition to the MJ tribute. She said she talked to Mark about doing our Cha Cha from last year and he agreed to do it. I'm shocked. He hasn't spoken to me in weeks. Maybe he's ready to bury the hatchet. Lets hope.

I told Josh that if he couldn't find another dance teacher by today I'd take the job. He didn't find another dance teacher. Looks like he's my new boss.

I just got back from the mandatory CPR training. It was good to relearn that info. I'm going to need it anyway since I plan to finally get my fitness instructors certification.

Tomorrow I meet Raj, my dance partner for the summer. I spoke to him on the phone last night. He seemed very nice. He's young, but a little older than me. He's married and has a 9 to 5 job which means rehearsal time might be limited. I'm a little nervous about that but he seems very motivated to win.

I think the competition is going to be fun this year. Mona wants to do a design a dance with the former contestants and we're going to do a Michael Jackson tribute with our former contestants. We've been talking about doing an All Star Competition next year so this is to get an idea of whether people will be interested in watching former contestants.

And finally, the last member of the Anderson family is competing! Mrs. Anderson is dancing with JD! She wasn't going to do it after Mr. Anderson had his heart attach but they convinced her she needed to do something to take her mind off the stress at home.

It looks like it will be an interesting summer!

I'm back from vacation. We got back a few days ago. Then I woke up the next morning and I was sick. I finally got out of the house again today.

I went to the dance studio to do some work and Josh stopped in to see me. I was pretty surprised because I thought he'd be up in New York. It turns out that Josh decided to move home for the summer to help his family out while his father recovers. And get this, his uncle's new swim club manager quit on him after the first weekend so Josh took the job! But that's not where it ends. He needs someone to run the dance camp and naturally he thought of me.

I guess a lot has happened since I left for vacation. So the question is...do I help out at the swim club this summer? I miss the club, but working with Josh? That could be tricky.

Greetings from New Mexico! We are having a blast! This trip has been quite the adventure. We've seen the plains, the Rockies, the Pacific Ocean...and the people we have met along the way have been amazing. Last night we went dancing at a country bar with a bunch of cowboys. It's been a blast.

Today we're going to Roswell. I can't wait. I always thought it would be cool to check it out. Maybe we'll see an alien. :)

Greetings from Chicago! We're actually leaving Chicago today. We got here on Wednesday. We first went to Milwaukee and then we headed here. Our road trip has been fun so far. It's nice to be out on an adventure.

Mr. Anderson is doing well. Josh called last night and said that his dad is headed home from the hospital today. I'm so relieved. In all my heartbreak over Josh I let myself forget how much I love his family. This reminded me how much they mean to me.

So today we leave Chicago and we're headed to Des Moines. I have no idea what there is to do in Des Moines but I'm sure we'll find something. After Des Moines we're headed to Denver. That's going to be a long drive but I can't wait to see Colorado. I've always heard it was beautiful there.

Well, that's about all I have time for right now. Will post more soon.

Yesterday was the graduation party. My family and friends were there to help me celebrate. Mrs. Anderson, Lauren and Josh showed up. Mr. Anderson wasn't feeling well so he stayed home.

I was so glad to have Josh there. It wouldn't have seemed right without him. He was in a good mood and we spent a lot of time talking. I asked him why he wasn't celebrating his birthday with Amber and he told me that they have a very (and he stressed the word very) casual relationship. Then he asked me about Mark. I told him that Mark and I broke up. He asked why and I was about to explain when Lauren walked outside to where we were talking. She looked like someone had punched her in the stomach and she told us that they had to go to the hospital because Mr. Anderson had a heart attack.

The Andersons left and everyone tried to get my mind off of what had happened. I know they wanted me to enjoy my graduation party but I couldn't. The Andersons are like family. Mr. Anderson has always been so kind. I saw the graduation present Josh had brought for me and I knew I had to go to the hospital. Everyone was trying to convince me to stay. I looked at Aunt Lu and said, "It's the Andersons." She nodded and said, "I know, honey." My mother started to give me a hard time and I said, "It's Josh." And then I left.

I got to the hospital and somehow managed to find them. It was like I was being lead to them by divine guidance because thinking back on it, I know it shouldn't have been that easy. I just found them. Josh and Lauren were in the waiting room and Mrs. Anderson was with Mr. Anderson. They were prepping him for surgery.

I stayed through the whole surgery. We all just sat there for hours. At some point Aunt Lu showed up with some food, but we all just sat there, and then Mrs. Anderson and Josh started pacing around. I finally got up and followed Josh down the hall. He told me that I should have stayed at my graduation party. I just told him that he has always been there for me - when Aunt Lu got hurt, when my dad was sick, and any other time that I needed him - and that I wanted to be there for him. He looked at me and said, "Pretty crummy way to end your graduation celebration, huh?" I nodded and said, "Pretty crummy way to spend your birthday." He hugged me and we stood there for a few minutes.

Finally the doctor came out and told us that the surgery was a success. Huge relief. We all finally ate some of Aunt Lu's food. It was really late at this point but no one wanted to leave until Mr. Anderson was out of recovery and moved to his room.

It was the middle of the night when I finally got home. Aunt Lu woke me up early this morning to drag me to church. She said that we had some extra prayers to send up this morning. I was exhausted.

I spoke with Lauren around lunch time and she said her dad was doing pretty well. Josh called later to thank me for staying with them last night.

I was going to leave on my road trip with the girls tomorrow but they agreed that we could leave on Tuesday instead. I just want to be around one more day to make sure that everything is okay.

So that was my weekend. Never a dull moment.

I am a college grad. Wow, it's so weird. No more school. Really weird!

I'm going out to dinner tonight with my family and then tomorrow night is the graduation party.

Tomorrow is also Josh's birthday. I want to get him a present since he's celebrating his birthday at my graduation party, but I have no idea what to get. What do you get an ex-boyfriend? It can't be too personal because we're not together, but it also can't be generic. We've been through too much for that. I wish I had thought about this sooner so that I'd have more time. Ugh. I have to buy something by tomorrow.

I guess even though I'm a college grad not much as changed, huh? Still thinking about Josh...even after all these years. I wonder if I will ever get over him. Is Mark right? Do you always love your first love? Or does that have nothing to do with it? Is it that I just happened to fall in love with my perfect match right from the start and now no one else can compare? Or maybe I'm mentally ill and this is an obsession. Nah, I have my problems like everyone else but I don't think I've gone off the deep end.

I'm not going to worry about this anymore. Whatever will be will be. I have to just let things go and live my life. If Josh is my perfect match we will be, and if he's not, I'll fall in love with someone else and this won't be a problem. Maybe I just need to let life play out a little and have faith that things will work out. Maybe not according to my timeline, and maybe not in the way I think they should, but I do have faith that things will work out.

I have been super busy finishing up my school work. Tomorrow I will be a college graduate!

My mom flew up last Saturday for mother's day and my graduation. We're having a little party Saturday night to celebrate. Aunt Lu invited the Andersons and apparently Josh is coming. I haven't actually spoken to him but he called Aunt Lu and said he'd be there.

At least one of my ex-boyfriends is willing to have an amiable relationship. Mark, on the other hand, is still not talking to me. I hate this. I care about him a lot and I want him to be a part of my life. He's acting like I broke up with him, but he broke up with me. I just don't know how to get through.

Next week Natalie, Molly, Amanda and I are heading out on a graduation adventure. We haven't planned anything. We're just getting in the car and heading west. I can't wait. A few weeks of fun without ex-boyfriends or responsibility. This summer is going to be busy so it will be nice to get away before the craziness begins!

I found out from Lauren last night that the girl Josh is seeing is Amber. In case you don't know, or don't remember, Amber is Keith's friend who moved to LA and was leaning on Josh to show her around. It appears that Amber has moved back to New York. You know, I knew that girl was after him. I could just sense that she was into him. I felt like she was sizing me up when we met...trying to determine if she could steal my man.

Lauren hates her. She calls her "Cut Throat Bitch" because there was a character on House named Amber that had that nickname. Lauren said she's horrible. I'm not sure if that makes me feel better or worse.

I should just forget about it. Josh is in New York so it's not like I have to see him all the time. I'm better off trying to keep moving on with my life. I'm graduating in a few weeks and the girls have been talking about a road trip. Maybe I should do that...get away and have some fun.

Last night was Lauren's birthday party. I saw Josh right away. He gave me a hug and I thought, "now this is where I belong." Unfortunately, it doesn't look like I'll be spending any time in Josh's arms. We were talking and getting along great and then he said, "I know about Mark." I was about to tell him we broke up. I was saying, "About that..." when he cut me off and told me it was okay and that I didn't owe him any explanation. Then he said, "I just started seeing someone."

AAARRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!! I feel so stupid. I totally set myself up for this. It would be just my luck that I'd start thinking about getting back together with him and then he'd start dating someone else. What was I thinking?

I ended up leaving the party early and heading to Nat's. I just couldn't stay over night. I was too annoyed with myself. It was pretty late when I got there so I just crashed. When I got up this morning Molly was the only person around.

I hated having to admit to her what I fool I'd been. She thinks that I should stay as far away from Josh as possible. She told me that I should go find Mark and beg him to take me back. Like that would happen. I don't beg and even if I did, he wouldn't take me back. This is just a disaster.

Just got a call from Lauren. Josh is on a flight home and will be at her party tomorrow night. I'm ready to see him. I can't put it off forever, and I miss him.

For the past week or so I've been dreaming about him at night. I wake up and I miss him so much. Maybe Mark was right when he said we never get over our first loves. I certainly haven't gotten Josh out of my system, and I feel like he'll forever be a part of me. I've wanted to move on, but we've been through so much. Six years of history is hard to ignore. He's been there for some of the best and worst times of my life. I guess it's only natural that I miss him. It doesn't necessarily mean that we should be together, but it does mean that I can't ignore him any longer.

The being together part will have to be determined later. I love him. I'll admit that, but right now there are more questions than answers. I need to figure things out. Why didn't he tell me that he'd be moving to NY? Why didn't he call? What has he been doing all of these months? Does he plan on staying in NY or will work take him back to LA? And what does he feel for me? Natalie says he wants to talk, and Lauren indicated that he was anxious to see me, so why no contact? I guess this will all come in time.

For now, I'll just focus on what's in my control...and that is looking smokin' hot when I see him tomorrow night. :)

Ugh. Things are not going well with Mark. It's over - which is a shame because he was a bright spot in a tough time. It may be for the best. I've been obsessing over whether I'll see Josh this weekend and that's probably a signal that I shouldn't be with Mark. It always comes down to the same thing: Josh. If I'm honest with myself, I have to admit that I still love him. I care about Mark, and I hope with all my heart that he'll let me be a part of his life. But my feelings for Josh run so deep. I can't shake him. I wish I knew how he felt. Why hasn't he contacted me? That's the part I don't understand. I know Nat said something about letters but I never got them. Did they even exist?

I guess I just need to talk to him. I can't truly believe he doesn't want to talk to me. Look at this blog. It's 6 years of him and me - apart or together, he's always been kind. Probably kinder than I've been. I was just so angry when we broke up. I guess I'll have a better idea come Saturday night. Let's just hope he's there.

Lauren called me this weekend. She wants to bury the hatchet so to speak. I told her I'm over it. I don't want to lose her as a friend and it's been a few months now. But I did tell her that she better not ever pull another stunt like that. She agreed. She invited me up to Connecticut for her birthday party this weekend. I'm going to go.

I asked if Josh would be there - just trying to prepare myself. She said he's in LA this week and she's not sure if he'll be home in time. Part of me wants to get it over with and see him, and part of me hopes he doesn't show up.

Things with Mark are not going well. I don't understand it. He just got so weird on me all of a sudden. I'm really not even sure what's going on between us at this point. It's very frustrating.

I just got back from the park. I ran into Mr. Anderson there. We were both there for a run. It wasn't as weird seeing him as I thought it would be. Although we talked about Lauren more than Josh so I'm sure that helped.

I was supposed to go out with Mark last night but he canceled on me because we got into a fight. I'm really annoyed about it. He has been so weird since I told him Josh is back - and Josh isn't really back, he's still in another state and we haven't seen each other. But anyway...I can't believe he just canceled on me. Shouldn't we be talking things out like mature adults? And he hasn't even called me today to talk. I'm so frustrated. I really don't know what to do.

Made it through Easter without any Josh sightings. Maybe he wasn't home for the holiday, although I find it hard to believe that he hasn't come down from New York to see his parents. I'm torn about this because I don't really want to see him. I know that it will stir up all the old feelings, but at the same time I just want to get it over with because I know it's inevitable. There is no way that we won't cross paths and sitting around anticipating it is going to drive me nuts.

I finally told Mark that Josh is back. He asked how I feel about it, and I told him that it doesn't change anything between us. As I predicted, he got all weird on me. He started going on and on about first loves and how we never get over them. I just sat there staring at him during all of this because there was nothing I could say. Josh and I had something special. I'm not going to deny that, but the reality of the situation is that our relationship is over and I am dating Mark now.

Things with Mark have been weird ever since. He has it in his head that our time is limited and we're quickly approaching our expiration date. It's pretty hard to have a relationship with someone when that it their attitude. I'm not sure what to do. I don't want to walk away from Mark, but trying to prove myself to him constantly isn't going to work either. I'll go crazy. It's just not a good place to be.

On a brighter note, my final semester is coming to an end and it's been amazing. I have learned so much these past few months. I realize my posting hasn't been as frequent, but I've been busy. I'm learning how to run a business, doing school work and taking high level dance lessons in New York. It's been a whirlwind semester but I'm so glad it's worked out the way that it has. I feel more ready to take on the dance studio in a few months. It's so weird to think about...that I'll own my own dance studio! I guess if my personal life is going to be a mess, it's a good thing that my professional life is coming together in a way that makes me excited to get up in the morning. I am so lucky that I have the opportunity to make a living doing what I love to do.

I'm not sure what I think of this season's DWTS. There is no one that I particularly love or anyone that I can't stand (although, Pamela Anderson and Kate Gossling could easily fill that role if they stick around for too long). I'm enjoying watching the pros but the celebs do nothing for me. I'm not usually an Edyta fan but she looks amazing this season and I've enjoyed her choreography. She looks so great on the dance floor that I completely forget to watch her partner...maybe that's why he's getting low scores! Like Melissa Joan Hart, I had high hopes for Shannen, but it's just not coming together for her. Mark was unable to help Melissa, but maybe he'll be able to help Shannen. It's great seeing Ashly back on the show. She's one of my favorites, but I'm sure she won't be around for long. I'm predicting that Kate and Buzz will get booted tonight. I mean, Kate wasn't even doing the steps. I understand not getting technique, but you have to do the steps. I just don't see how she goes through if she's being judged by her dancing.

So I had my first gymnastics training on Saturday. I wanted to learn flips, but Eric wanted me to start with basics. Yick. I want to skip ahead to the hard stuff. Then he lectured me on how if you're teaching someone to dance you start with the basics. He has a point, but I'm not trying to become a gymnast. I'm just trying to learn some new moves for my freestyle - which I am determined to make happen.

My dance lessons in New York have just taken me to a whole new level. My technique has improved, my posture has improved, my creativity in terms of choreography has improved. It's amazing how in just a few months I am achieving a higher level. It's so exciting to push harder and see results.

The only weird thing is that now when I go to New York I know that Josh is there. I feel like I'm looking for him every place I go. I try not to think about it but the more I try not to, the more I do. Part of me thinks I should call him and just get it over with. I know we're going to see each other at some point. In fact, with Easter coming, it could be sooner than later. I'm just not ready...

I talked to Eric last night (dance partner from a few summers ago). He's going to teach me some gymnastic moves that I can use in my choreography. I'm planning for the freestyle in this summer's competition. I'm going to win again this summer. I've decided. I haven't won since I danced with Josh and I probably should be happy with that one win, but I want more. I want to win again and this is probably my last summer as a competitor so it has to be this year. I just hope my partner wants to win as badly as I do.

So I've decided that Josh being back in New York doesn't change anything. We're still broken up and moving on with our own lives. There's nothing to do or change. I just don't know why I haven't shared this news with Mark yet. I keep meaning to tell him. It feels like I'm doing something wrong by keeping it from him, but I also feel weird about telling him. I'm just going to have to get it out...one word after the other!

Natalie dropped a bomb on me. A two part bomb. Part 1: She's been dating Jason for months and it's serious. Part 2: As a result of this relationship she has found out that Josh has moved to New York. And she's seen him. Several times.

I was pissed at first. I'm trying to get over being mad. She says he's been writing me letters since I didn't want to talk to him, but I haven't received any letters. I don't know what to think. She said he hasn't called or visited me because he's not sure I want to see him. He also knows about Mark.

Honestly, I don't know what to think. I flipped out a Natalie. How could she hold out on me for so long? I know I insisted that I didn't want to talk about him, but she should have just blurted it out. She should have made me listen. Josh moving back East is a big deal. I'm so confused.

Plus I'm dating Mark now. What am I supposed to do? Just dump him because Josh is near by? Josh hasn't exactly made any romantic overtures. And maybe, just maybe, Mark is the guy for me. I don't have to pine for him. I don't have to worry that he's going to move 3,000 miles away. I like knowing where things stand. I know that Josh loves me, but he's always leaving. I just can't take it anymore.

Why is life always so complicated? Does boy meets girl, boy marries girl, boy and girl live happily ever after even exist? With Josh it's high highs and low lows. With Mark, it's just a steady thing. That's what I need right now: a steady thing.

In Florida and enjoying a change in scenery. It's nice spending some time with my mom. We haven't really spent quality time together in a long time. I was so mad at her for a while but I'm working on forgiveness. I understand that she was doing the best she could do. I think things were harder for her than I realized. I'm starting to understand that now.

It's been nice to have sunshine and warm weather - although I hear it's not much cooler in Pennsylvania right now. Oh well, I'm enjoying it anyway. Nat and I went to Siesta Key yesterday. It was nice to just sit on the beach, feel that soft sand and watch the waves crash. Of course as I was sitting there my mind wandered to Josh. I had gotten pretty good at not letting that happen, but something about the atmosphere there brought him to the forefront of my mind.

Natalie noticed and asked if I was thinking about him. Then she asked if we could talk about him. I told her no and she pressed further. I told her no again. I don't want to talk about him and I don't want to know how he's doing or what he's up to. I can't because then I really start thinking about him. And the thing is that I'm dating Mark now. I want to date Mark. I want to fall for Mark. I know he's got a history as a player but he hasn't been that way these past months and I know we have a real connection. It doesn't make sense but between the two of them, Mark is the safe bet. That's what I need - a safe bet. I can't start walking about with Josh on the brain. All it takes is just a little bit of him and I'm hooked. There's a reason I've put up this wall.

Nat called me today and said she absolutely must speak with me tonight. She has something important that she has to tell me. I really hope she's not going to try to tell me something about Josh. I get the feeling that my friends all know something about him that they're not telling me. Maybe he has a girlfriend...I don't know. I don't want to speculate. I should focus on Mark.

Two and half more hours and Spring Break will be here! I can't wait. I'm heading down to Florida with Natalie. I'm hoping for some warm weather and sunshine. I'm tired of all the dreary weather.

So...I started dating Mark. I know I said I was going to keep it platonic, but Mark and I make sense. We get along great. We have chemistry and because we've both lost a parent we get each other in a way that other people don't. This is all new but I feel good about it. I feel lighter when I'm with him.

Dance lessons have been going amazing. I'm learning the Paso Doble! Mona has been talking about adding this to the competition so I decided I had better learn to dance it. I'm also finding that my fitness level is improving from all of the lessons. I've learned how to stretch differently and I can see a difference in my legs. They look leaner and more toned that before. I'm also noticing a difference in my abs. I wonder what my former ballet teacher would say if she saw me now. I'm just amazed at what can happen in just a few months when you're really working hard. I guess it's no wonder that the celebrities loose weight and get fit from DWTS!

MORE SNOW!!! I can't believe we could possibly be getting more snow. It's just crazy. This winter has been crazy. I decided that I'm going to spend tomorrow making cookies and chili with Aunt Lu if we get snowed in. I kind of like the idea of being stuck at home for a day. It might be nice to loaf around the house and relax a bit.

My weekends have been busy and I could use some down time. Between working at the dance studio, taking dance lessons in New York and classes in New Jersey I'm all over the map. I feel like I'm constantly on the run, but I wouldn't change it. I have learned so much this semester. I'm learning how to run a business and my dancing in just a few weeks has improved so much. I feel like the classes in New York are helping me reach a whole new level. It's not easy but it's worth it. I can't wait to incorporate my new skills into the competition this summer!

I just got back from lunch with JD. We talked about the dance competition this summer. He's got some good ideas to spice things up and wanted my input before he takes the ideas to Mona. I think they're great and I'm sure Mona will be on board. She told me that she thinks I should run and All Star competition next year and JD's ideas fit in nicely with setting that up.

I had this dream last night that I had choreographed another dance to "Billie Jean" and it was amazing. I know I did the dance for Alex back in high school but this was a real Cha Cha and I would love to do it this summer. I just hope to have a good enough partner since this will probably be the last summer I can compete.

I got an email from Jennifer earlier. Her new friends - the neighbors we cooked for last week - want us to go out with them Saturday night. I'm not really looking for romance but Jen is so I told her I'd go with her.

The end of her email said, "P.S. - I talked to Josh last night. Do you want to know what's going on with him?" I told her no. I need to maintain distance. Besides, he's not getting in touch with me. It's better this way. The less I know, the easier it is to pretend there's not still a strong connection there.

Crazy winter weather here! I got snowed in last week up in New York. I went to my dance class Tuesday night and the weather sounded hazardous so I decided to stay over at Jennifer's apartment in Brooklyn. Well, I ended up staying there until Friday afternoon. We made the most of it. We baked cookies and watched movies. Jennifer is newly single so we made a big lasagna on Wednesday night and invited her cute neighbors over for dinner. I don't know if Jen is interested in either of them, but we had a great time.

On Friday I made my way home. Natalie and Jason met me at the train station and helped me clear all the snow off my car. Jason tried to talk to me about Josh but I told him that it's not a topic for discussion. The best thing for me is a clean break, and it's been working. I'm not sitting around feeling bad about things. Even on Valentine's Day I wasn't sitting around thinking about him.

I've been spending a lot of time with Mark, but we're in agreement that it's just a friendship. He's dealing with a loss and I'm recovering from a breakup. There's no room for romance right now and that's fine. I just like being with him. He has no connection to Josh and I feel alive when I'm with him. He's kind of like my Jacob. I just read "New Moon" and while I'm not depressed like Bella was, I can relate to how hurt she was. When I see Mark I feel better. It feels like a weight is lifted. And I think I help him too. I know what he's going through and I constantly reassure him that it's normal.

So that's life in a nutshell. Today I'm back at the dance studio. It's been a quiet day. I guess people are doing other things since it's President's Day.

I know it's been awhile. I've been getting used to my new schedule. I'm doing my internship at the dance studio and taking dance classes in New York with JD. This new schedule is pretty crazy but I'm enjoying it. It's keeping me busy so I'm not sitting around feeling bad about things with Josh.

I've been spending time with Mark. I thought I was just trying to help him cope with the loss of his father, but I've found it to be very therapeutic for me as well. There is finally someone who knows what I was going through, and talking to him about it has really helped me a lot.

I've pretty much moved back in with Aunt Lu. I'm spending the majority of my time in Pennsylvania now so it makes sense. JD and I drive back from the train station together after our dance lessons so there's no need for me to stay in New Jersey. It's kind of nice being with Aunt Lu again. She makes dinner every night and I don't have to worry about her being lonely. I still feel sad occasionally when I look out the window at Josh's old room, but I remind myself that he's not there anymore and that time is in the past. I can't keep wasting my time on it.

Well, that's all for now. I will try to get back to posting more regularly.

Sorry for the delay in posts. I've had a rocky week and a half. When I was in LA I found out that Josh turned down a job in New York. I found out from his friend Amber, who dropped by again and casually mentioned it...not the way I wanted to find out. Josh and I got into a fight about it and it was a mess. I flew home the next day. Josh and I talked on the phone a few times trying to figure things out, but what it really comes down to is that I need him here. If we're going to be in a relationship, I need him here. And I don't like that he told me he was doing everything in his power to move home, and then I find out that he turned down a job that would have brought him home.

This whole time I've known things weren't right. It felt like April of 2007 when we tried to get back together but we weren't ready. I love him, and I wanted this to be the right time, but it's not. I just see it so clearly now. He lives on the other side of the country. I don't know what I was thinking. I should have stuck with my first instincts back in October. I should have worked harder to get over him, instead of falling back into a relationship that cannot be. 3,000 miles is just too far.

So we ended it. Again. I asked him to give me space and to please respect that I need it. I don't want phone calls or emails. I just need time and space away from him so that I can move on.

I'm in LA again. I flew here yesterday. I'm only staying until Sunday this time. It's kind of boring when Josh is working. I mean, there is only so much sightseeing a person can do. It's not much fun going on tours or eating by myself. Josh wasn't lying when he said he works all the time. He did promise to be home in time to go out to dinner though so I'm hoping he gets home in the next hour or so.

I'm bored. I was bored at home and I'm bored here. At least it's warm here. I went to Santa Monica this morning and went for a run on the beach. It was so nice to be away from the 20 degree weather in Pennsylvania. After that I came back to Josh's apartment. I showered, read my book and had lunch. Then I headed out to Beverly Hills and walked around and did some window shopping. Nothing too exciting, but better than the same old stuff I'd be doing back home.

Well, Josh just called and said he's on his way home. I should go get ready to go out.

I spent the day shopping for dance wear. I also bought two new pairs of ballroom shoes. It kept me busy as I get ready for the semester to start. I just can't believe I have three more weeks before classes start. I'm getting crazy. I don't know what to do with myself.

Things are feeling out of sorts. I spent most of Saturday with Mark and that caused some problems with Josh. He said he understood why I did it but he didn't like it. I understand why he didn't like it but I had to do it. It was Josh's last day here before heading back to California so I get it, but I care about Mark and I had to be there for him.

There's also a little bit of a back story that I didn't post about. While I was in LA a girl stopped by Josh's apartment to see him when he was at work. He said she was a friend of Keith's from New York who had just moved to LA. He was helping her out by showing her around and introducing her to some people. So when he said he was a little uncomfortable with me being there for another guy that he doesn't know, I kind of threw Amber back in his face. (That's her name, by the way.) He didn't really appreciate that so things have been tense.

I'm thinking of maybe flying back to LA to spend a few days with him. Tomorrow is the funeral for Mark's father and then I'm free until the 25th so I might as well. It's bad enough that there is geographical distance between us. I don't want there to be emotional distance as well. That just leads to trouble.

I hate New Years. It's one of those holidays that gives people an excuse to act badly. I found out last night that Mark's father was killed by a drunk driver on New Years Eve. I'm just sickened by this. No one should have to go through that. I talked to Mark briefly last night but he didn't feel like being on the phone. I'm going over to his house today around lunch time to see him. I hope that I can be there for him. I know what it's like to lose a parent...just not in such a senseless manor.

It feels like there is a theme in my life: alcohol can be too easily abused. First it was James driving drunk and into death's door. Then it was my father destroying his liver with over consumption. Now Mark's father is the victim of another person's poor judgment. It just seems like such a waste. Lives lost to a drink. I don't understand it. I don't understand it at all.

I hate this time of year. After Christmas everything up north seems so gloomy. In Florida we had nice weather so we could go back to playing sports, swimming and running around on the beach. It made the post-Christmas slump easier to bear. Up here, there's nothing but gloom. The sun hardly shines and it's too cold out to do anything fun. We just sit inside and wait for late-March/early-April to arrive.

Well, not that I sound like Ms. Doom and Gloom I'll sign off. I have to get ready to visit Mark. I'll try to be more upbeat in my next post. I promise.

Happy New Year!

Sorry for no recent posts but it's been pretty busy. I had a great time in LA. Josh took me to a Christmas party at a record executive's house. It was amazing. I've never seen anything like it.

We flew home from LA on the 23rd. The annual Christmas Eve Party at the Anderson's was fun as usual. The party is my most favorite holiday event. There is just something magical about that party. I suppose it could be the memories I have, but it is my favorite Christmas tradition.

This week has just been a lot of running around, meeting up with friends and eating. Lots of eating. :) Last night Josh and I went out to a nice dinner with his family and then celebrated the new year at his parent's house.

This morning I came home early and had New Year's breakfast with my mom and Aunt Lu. My mom is flying back to Florida tomorrow.

Josh flies back to Los Angeles on Sunday. I'm trying to put a brave face on. I know he's working on moving home so I just have to be patient.