Greetings from Los Angeles! :)

That's right I'm in LA! I know I haven't posted in a week but I've been swamped with finishing the semester and finals. Last weekend was also the holiday show at the dance studio so I've been pretty busy.

On Wednesday I finished up my finals and flew out to LA to send a few days here with Josh. He's been working the past two days so I've been sightseeing on my own. I've seen a lot. I did the Warner Brothers Studio Tour my first day and walked around Hollywood checking out the Walk of Fame. Yesterday I went to Venice Beach and then I went to Venice High School (AKA "Rydell High" from "Grease") to take pictures. Then I spent the afternoon shopping on Melrose Avenue.

Josh is home today so we're going to Santa Monica to do some sightseeing and we're going to do some Christmas shopping. It's going to be in the high 70's here and I'm planning to enjoy the warm weather. Right now my friends and family are getting snowed in. I have to admit, I'm happy to be missing that snow storm in favor of warm weather and time with my sweetie! :)

Busy, busy, busy! I've been trying to juggle a lot the past week. We have our holiday show at the dance studio this weekend so I've been helping get ready and rehearsing. Josh got in to town Saturday night. I had dinner with him and his parents that night and then went up to New York with him on Sunday. The hotel they've got him staying in is s-w-e-e-t! I'm really jealous! On top of all of that, this is my last week of classes and I'm trying to study for my finals and get papers done so that I can hang out with Josh this weekend. It's been crazy but fun.

Well...mostly fun. I guess the studying and paper writing hasn't been that great. The good news is that I only have two finals so that makes things easier. Sunday was a lot of fun. Josh and I went to Rockefeller Plaza to check out the Christmas Tree. I love going there. There's just something magical about New York at Christmas time. I love the hustle and bustle of the city and the Christmas lights and the windows of all the department stores. I'm thinking of going up after my classes tomorrow to walk around and enjoy the city before I meet up with Josh for dinner. I actually contemplated going last night too, but Lauren was meeting Josh for dinner and I didn't want to disrupt.

Things are also still weird between me and Lauren. They are weird between Josh and Lauren too but he's working on it. I hate this, but I just feel so weird about the whole thing. Alex keeps trying to make things better but I think only time will do that. I love Lauren like a sister and her family feels like my family. I don't want to lose my relationship with her. I just need time I guess.

Well, that's all for now. I have put the finishing touches on my paper that I have to turn in tonight and then I can focus on finals.

Had a very busy weekend...no time for posts. It was good though. Lots of fun and good times with family and friends. Wednesday night I went out with my fellow dancers. I can't believe how many people I ran into just being out and about. Most notably, I saw Eric (old dance partner), Terry (from the Swim Club), Wendy (from Swim Club but I didn't talk to her), Patrick and Adam and Mark. Seeing Mark was kind of strange. I spotted him from across the bar. He was already looking at me. He raised his glass to me and smiled but he didn't come over.

Later that night we went to Angelo's to hear the guys sing. Josh was singing with them. They got rid of his replacement a few weeks ago and they were thrilled to have him back. It was a little weird. Lauren was there with her parents and I really haven't spoken with her in a few weeks. I'm still upset about what she did. She saw me with the dancers and of course she wanted to hang out since she knows them all. I tried to keep my distance because I didn't want to have any heavy conversations.

Mark showed up at Angelo's towards the end of the night. It was the first time he and Josh have ever been in the same place and it was kind of awkward when I introduced them. I think it was weirder for Mark though. Josh was surrounded by his good friends and his "fan club" while Mark was just kind of there hanging out with Jenna. It was just strange.

After the show Josh and I went out for something to eat. Mrs. Anderson knows that something is going on between Josh and Lauren and I think she picked up on the discomfort between me and Lauren too. Josh and I talked about that for awhile and then the conversation turned to us. I told him my fears about ruining his dreams. I told him that I don't want to be that person. He told me that his dream is to get paid to play piano...not to be rich or famous. He said his real dream is to have a job that he likes, a nice house, and to live there with the woman and a family that he loves. It was very sweet and I was convinced. By the end of the night we were standing on Aunt Lu's front porch kissing as if no time had passed at all.

Aunt Lu hosted Thanksgiving at her house. I woke up that morning to find Josh in the front foyer waiting to take a walk. I wanted to curl up on the couch at watch the Macy's Parade, but the walk was good. It gave me energy and a chance to hang with Josh. After our walk he headed home and I spent the day with the family. Aunt Lu, my mom, Lindsay and I watched Christmas movies that night. It was fun having a girl's night.

On Friday it was up at the crack of dawn to go shopping with my mother. She lives for Black Friday sales. It was an exhausting morning. We got home around lunch time and found Aunt Lu directing Alex and Josh around the front yard. The came over and put her Christmas lights up for her. This was a huge relief to me and my mom because we worry about Aunt Lu and we didn't want her climbing up on the ladder to hang decorations. It was the first time in a long time that my mom had nothing but nice things to say regarding Josh...and that made me very happy.

That night I went to the Anderson's house for dinner. Again...awkward. I don't know how to stop being mad at Lauren. I heard her mother asking her what was going on and Lauren denying that there was a problem. I feel bad about it and that just makes me even angrier. I shouldn't feel bad. I didn't lie and make up horrible stories. And I'm frustrated because she got what she wanted. Josh and I are back together.

On Saturday Josh and I went out. We had lunch, did some shopping, just had fun being together. I feel like I'm more alive, more awake when we're together. Fun is more fun and life is more lively.

He went back to LA on Sunday, but yesterday morning he called to let me know that he's going to be working on a project in New York for a week! He'll be back on Saturday and then here for a whole week. I'm so excited. Maybe this long distance thing won't be so bad...as long as it doesn't last long...hoping and praying he can move to New York!

I went to Angelo's last night to listen to Josh play piano. I thought about dragging one of my friends along, but I wanted to be by myself. I just wanted to be able to sit there and enjoy the music without having to talk to anyone. He had a good set...he did some of the old songs he always does but he added a few new ones. He sang Michael Buble's "Home" and "You and I." Both of them pulled at my heart. There is something magical about him sitting down at that piano and singing a song.

After his set he said a quick "hello" to some of the regulars and then came over to sit with me. He asked what I wanted for dessert and I thought to myself, "You." Luckily I didn't say it out loud...thank God...totally something I would normally do! Of course the minute I thought it I blushed and he noticed. He asked what I was thinking and I said, "cheesecake." He shook his head and said, "I know you better than that, Nicole Bradford, and I'm pretty sure I'd be happy with whatever you were just thinking." I just smiled at him and said, "Too bad you'll never know." The waitress came over then and took our order for two slices of cheesecake.

After she left Josh turned back to me and said, "So that's how it's going to be?" I looked at him and told him that that's how it's going to be until I find out exactly what he's been doing the past few weeks...inviting me on dates when he knows we can't be together. He said, "what if we can?" I shook my head and started in on the whole no long distance relationship thing but he cut me off. He explained that he's been working on getting moved to New York. That's why he's been up there the past two days. He said nothing is happening yet but he thinks it will happen soon and if I can be patient he's sure he'll be home in the next few months.

I asked him why he didn't just tell me all of this. He said he's been trying to but there's always people around...first my mother, then a house full of people. He asked me if I'd think about it. Well, of course I'll think about it. I want to be with him...I'm just worried about how long it will be until he does come home. What if I say yes to this and it turns out he can't move back? What if he gets a better offer in LA? What if moving to New York kills his career? Will I be able to live with myself knowing that I'm the reason he moved back?

But oh how badly I want to be with him. He's the man I dreamed about as a little girl. He's everything I've always wanted. He's the sweetest, sexiest man I've ever know. He treats me with kindness and respect. He's one of the brightest lights in my life. There is nothing I want more than to be with Josh Anderson...but not if it's going to cost him. That's what I struggle with. I don't want to hold him back from his dreams.

I got home last night to find a small party going on. Molly, Tim, Natalie, Jason, Amanda and a few friends from school were all hanging out...including Bill which kind of annoyed me. Well, the whole thing annoyed me because I was expecting Josh and I wanted to talk to him not party with a bunch of people.

He arrived around 8:00 and looked pretty surprised to see all the people in the house. Dancing With The Stars was blaring on the TV. The girls were trying to watch it, the guys were making fun of it and I was just plain annoyed. Josh sat down and started to talk to Jason. Bill was checking out Josh, obviously aware of who he is and then went over and started talking to him. I could tell it wasn't going well. Josh looked kind of annoyed and I heard him say, "that's funny...I haven't heard of you at all." Then he shot me a look. I knew Bill was goading him but I have no idea what he was saying. He's been such a little sour puss since I turned down his proposal for a date. He had a window of time where I would have said "yes" but he blew it by acting like a jerk. I don't like being blown off. I don't need it or want it and I'm over it. He's too late.

Bill didn't stick around much longer after that and he didn't show up for our lab today. Lucky for me it was a quick lab and we got out early. I was glad he wasn't there.

But anyway, back to last night...after Bill left I was still annoyed. Josh was talking to Jason and things were not going as I had hoped. I went down to my room, turned on DWTS and went online to see what people were saying about the show. Jenna (from the dance studio) IM'ed me and asked if I want to go out with her and some of the dancers Wednesday night. We were IM'ing back and forth when Josh came down.

He asked me what was up with Bill. I said, "he's just bitter because I turned him down for a date." Josh just said, "Ah..." Then he sat down and we made small talk for a few minutes. He couldn't stick around because he had another meeting in New York today but he asked if I'd stop by Angelo's tonight to hear him play piano. I told him I'd be there and then I walked him out to his car. He gave me a hug and said he was sorry we didn't get to talk. He said, "I'll buy you dessert tomorrow if you stick around after my set." I told him I would and said, "It's a date." I blushed when I realized what I'd said but he just smiled and said, "A date it is." So...I guess it's a date.

Ugh. We're broken up and we're dating. How confusing is that? I'm confused. I kind of feel like he's tricking me into getting back together with him...not that I'm resisting, but I have made it clear that I don't want to do the long distance relationship thing...and yet I keep going on dates with him! It's just that he will look at me a certain way or say my name the way only he says it and all of my will power is out the door. He even gets to me in text messages or emails. Everything thing he says is so perfectly worded. Everything he does is like perfection in my eyes. I'm completely under his spell.

Even after all of these years I still get goose bumps when he touches me. My heart still pounds, my knees get weak, my palms sweat and I fall in love with him all over again. That pretty much sums up my Saturday night with Josh. It wasn't just dinner. That much I know for sure.

He picked me up at Aunt Lu's and took me to what is probably the nicest restaurant in the area. It was obvious that he wanted this to be special and it was. The food and the atmosphere were amazing, but the best part was the company. All day I had been reminding myself to play it cool and that this was just dinner, but once I got there it was obvious that there was no need to play it cool.

Earlier in the week Alex had convinced Josh and I to change our after dinner plans to include a stop at Angelo's to see the Doo Wop guys perform. Neither of us were truly excited about going over there to be on display for the guys' fans to gawk at. I'm sure that's why Alex wanted Josh there...to be seen and to get people excited about the group that has lost it's main attraction.

We snuck in the back and found a table off to the side and amazingly we sat there eating dessert and talking without any interruptions. The guys started singing "I Only Have Eyes For You" and Josh insisted that we dance. I know I'm the Dancing Queen and all, but I really didn't want to go out on the dance floor and be noticed. Still, the song is part of our history and Josh was persistent so I let him drag me out to the dance floor. As soon as he pulled me into his arms I knew this wasn't just dinner. What I feel for him isn't just any ordinary love. There is still heat there and a flame that continues to burn on. He sang along to "you are here and so am I..." and those words seemed to just hang there as we both relished in the fact that that we were both in the same place at the same time.

We didn't stick around much longer after that. We'd done as promised. We'd shown up. The regulars had seen Josh there. He took me home and I invited him in hoping that we could talk but my mother was hanging around and I could tell she wasn't about to let us be. She was talking non-stop to Josh and I know why. She thinks it's a bad idea for us to be spending time together. She wants me to move on. Josh must have come to the same conclusion because he headed home with no chance for us to talk.

I was hoping to see him in church yesterday morning but he hasn't adjusted to East Coast time so he wasn't there. He called later in the afternoon and asked if he could stop by tonight. He's in New York so he'll be passing through on his way home. I'm really anxious to hear what he has to say. What exactly are we doing here? He moved to LA. There really is no future for us, and still, I can't bring myself to let him go. I don't even know how to let him go.

Tonight is my night out with Josh. I've been like a crazy lady all day. I drove down to Philadelphia to pick up my mom at the airport this morning but I could barely focus. I just kept thinking about Josh. I can't wait to see him.

He sent me a text Thursday morning and we spent the whole day texting each other...text flirting. Sigh, I can't wait to see him!

I am ready for this semester to be over. I'm tired of school work. Thank God next week is Thanksgiving break. I'm ready for a few days of relaxing.

Tim is coming to town tomorrow night. Molly is all excited. I'm happy for her. Happy for me too because a happy, in love Molly is less likely to be a thorn in my side about Josh. I haven't told her yet that I'm seeing him this weekend. I know she doesn't approve. She was hoping I'd hook up with Mark.

I get it. She wants me to be happy and she knows that I'll be miserable as soon as Josh heads back to LA. But I'm going to be smart about this. We're just having dinner. This is just one night. I know he is going back to LA. I'm not fooling myself. It's just a dinner. And why shouldn't I have dinner with him? He's been a major part of my life for the past six years. We deserve a chance to catch up and hang out. It's just dinner.

Molly is all a flutter. Tim is negotiating with a company to start a job here next year. When I say "here" I mean the United States - we still don't know where in the US he'll be... Nevertheless, anywhere in the country will be closer than Australia. Molly is still really hung up on him. I hope it works out for her. I hope he gets a job in New Jersey! :)

So speaking of long lost loves...mine is returning to town this weekend and I'm confused. We're supposed to be getting over each other, but we're going on a date. Why did I agree to this? It just prolongs the inevitable. Nat suggested I cancel, but I can't. I want to see him. I want to go on a date. I just don't want him to go back to California after our date, and that's the problem. Ugh...!!!

I talked to Josh last night. It was late when he finally called me back, but I was so excited about my internship that I couldn't sleep anyway. On top of the internship, JD called last night and asked if I'd take classes with him up in New York next semester. I'm really excited about it. Some r-e-a-l-l-y good dancers train at this particular studio.

So anyway, when Josh called I was wide awake and really excited. He apologized for calling late, but I told him I was having the best day ever and I was wide awake. He was really happy for me when I filled him in on what was going on. Then I remembered that he needed to talk to me. I asked him what was going on.

He told me that he'll be back next weekend and he wants to take me out. We're supposed to be staying away from each other (admittedly without success), but this is just blatantly going against our agreement. Still, I found myself saying "YES" to his invitation. I just can't stay away from him, and life keeps throwing us together so I decided not to fight it. Dinner next weekend is on.

I got a call voicemail from Josh this morning. He said, "I know we're not supposed to talk, but I need to talk to you. Call me." So I called him back but he hasn't gotten back to me yet! I've been wondering all day what he was calling about.

Today has been good though. I met with my academic adviser this morning. I was telling him that I'm not thrilled with my classes. We started talking about the dance studio and he said that I could work there full time in the spring for 12 intern credits! I'm so excited. I'm going to do that and one night class and that will be my last semester. I'm sooooo glad I had that meeting. I just need Mona to act as my supervisor, which she's agreed to do and I'm all set.

Just waiting for Josh to call me back now. I wish he'd hurry up. I need to know what we need to talk about!

I have an inbox of emails from Lauren begging for forgiveness. I don't know what to do with her. It's not like she told a little white lie. She told a huge lie that hit too close to home, and she did it to manipulate me. I know that I'll forgive her, but I kind of need space right now. I just can't deal with her.

I got an email from Josh on Monday. It said, "I know I'm breaking the rules. Just wanted you to know I got back safe. Are you doing ok?" I wrote back that I'm doing all right. That was the extent of it. I guess we're back to our old arrangement. I hate that things have to be this way. I just know that for my own good I have to find a way to move on.

I talked to Dan about the kiss. He apologized for springing it on me out of the blue. I told him that I'm still hung up on my ex and not ready to date anyone yet. He seemed to accept that.

Then Bill asked me out yesterday as we were leaving our lab. Figures that he waits until now to ask me out. I told him the same thing. I'm still hung up on my ex. After going out with Josh on Saturday, I know that the little crush on Bill was just that...LITTLE. And what I feel for Josh is, (sigh) HUGE. AAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!

Damn that Lauren for doing this to me! Josh is all I can think of. I keep thinking of Saturday night and how perfect things were when we were eating dessert at the bar. We were smiling and laughing. It was the kind of date that was so perfect that you know the guy is a keeper. And then I realize I can't keep him.

So the whole thing was a big scheme cooked up by Lauren to try to get Josh and I back together. Unbelievable!

So on Friday Josh called Alex because he thought Lauren needed to talk to him. Lauren completely freaked out and went nuts. Josh and I thought it was really strange but we didn't know what she was making this whole story up. So Alex came down that night and he was really confused. Josh told him that he needs to talk to Lauren.

Meanwhile, Josh offered to take me out to a nice restaurant for dinner. I jumped on the idea because it meant that I got a nice meal and some time with Josh. We went into Princeton to a place that Mr. and Mrs. Anderson like but there were no tables. We ended up walking around trying to find a place to eat. We eventually gave up and headed to a diner...what else? I had a nice time talking to him, but he felt bad about promising me a meal at a nice restaurant so we agreed to go back to the restaurant for dessert at the bar.

As we were walking to the restaurant I mentioned that I wanted to try a glass of wine to see how I handle it. He took my car keys and agreed to make sure that I wouldn't make a crazy, tipsy fool of myself. We went in and ate, drank, laughed, and flirted...at lot. It was the best date I've had in a long time...figures that it would be with Josh. Why can't I have a great date with anyone else?

When we got back to the townhouse we were walking towards the door when Josh grabbed my hand and pulled me towards him. He said he had had a great time. I told me that I did too. We stared at each other for a minute and then he said, "I've missed you so much." The way he said it, and the way he was looking at me had me melting like a lovesick fool. I told him that I missed him too and he pulled me close and kissed me.

The front door opened and Alex was standing there looking very uneasy. Lauren was behind him smiling and she said, "See?" Alex gave her a look and said her name in a stern voice. Josh and I realized something was up. We went inside and Lauren started to tell us that she's not really pregnant and at first we thought she had made a mistake, but Alex forced the issue and soon it became clear that she had made everything up.

I could see the muscles in Josh's jaw twitching as he tried to keep it together. I have never seen him look so angry before. Understandably so! He flew across the country to comfort and support her and she was making the entire thing up. She said she was doing it because she wants us to be together and since we weren't talking she had to come up with some plan to get him to fly home. I don't understand why it's so important to her that we're together.

Josh was just all around mad. He flew across the county, he felt lied to, he and I shared my pregnancy scare to make her feel better and she used it, she manipulated us, and she kind of set me back on my quest to get over Josh. I couldn't even deal with her. I just walked into the kitchen and stood there while Josh continued to let her have it in the living room. Alex finally decided enough was enough and took Lauren back to Jason's.

Josh found me in the kitchen and asked how I was. I told him I was in a state of disbelief. It was just so weird. I would never have believed Lauren could do something so deceitful. We stood there in silence for a minute trying to take it all in. Then he said, "I'm sorry she tricked you into seeing me when you didn't want to." I told him that it wasn't his fault and that seeing him wasn't the worst thing in the world.

Somehow I ended up in his arms. I looked up at him and said, "This is exactly what she wanted." He shook his head and said, "This isn't about her. It's about the fact that I still love you so much." He kissed me again and we completely forgot about Lauren.

The next morning Lauren apologized again. Josh hugged her, told her he loves her but he's still furious with her. She seemed to accept that. Alex took her back to Connecticut. I drove Josh over to his parent's house in Pennsylvania. They were so thrilled to see him. He didn't tell them about Lauren's little stunt. He told them he flew home to see me and they didn't question it. We ate lunch with them and spent the afternoon there.

I was tired so Josh drove us back to Jersey. I was quiet and he asked if I was okay. I was thinking how easy it was for the Andersons to say good-bye to him. I realized it was because they knew they'd see him again soon. I told him this and he said, "You could see me again soon too. We could try to do the long distance thing." I sat there thinking about it but I knew we can't do it. He's busy with work. He'd be working late and lose track of time but I'd be sitting at home waiting for his call and wondering what he was doing and who he was with. We'd plan a weekend together but he'd get stuck working on a project and have to cancel and I'd be crushed. The reasons we didn't try the long distance thing the first time haven't changed. We rode the rest of the way home in silence.

We agreed that we wouldn't be sad. We enjoyed the rest of our weekend but we also understood that we were past our expiration date. I took him to the airport yesterday. I smiled, told him I love him and kissed him good-bye. He asked if we were going back to our previous arrangement (us not talking for awhile). I told him it had to be that way for now. I can't get over him when he's around. It is just too hard.

So that's everything in the condensed version...and even that was long. I'm mad at Lauren for putting me through all of this again, but it does help a little to know that he still loves me as much as I love him. Still, I feel set back a bit. I caught a whiff of his scent on my jacket this morning and I closed my eyes to take it in...just not a good thing when I'm trying to get over him.

Lauren and I picked Josh up last night at the airport. I was nervous...real nervous, but that didn't change the fact that my heart went wild the minute I spotted him. It amazes me that he can stir such an intense reaction in me...and it's just the sight of him.

I guess that's why I was so disappointed when I got home an hour ago to find out that Josh and Lauren had gone out with Jason. I rushed home from school to see them and they're not even here. I thought about trying to take a nap but I know I can't sleep. I didn't sleep at all last night. I was too worked up. My heart felt full and alive.

Last night was intense. After we left the airport we stopped at a diner for dinner. Josh and I have a running joke about Jersey being the diner state so it seemed appropriate. Lauren didn't seem right. I don't know. I can't pinpoint it, but considering what she's going through I didn't expect her to seem so upbeat.

After dinner I took them back to my place. Jason is in medical school so we knew he wouldn't be home until late. No one was home at my place either so it gave Josh a chance to talk to Lauren. We were trying to convince her that she needs to tell Alex. She kept refusing to call him. Josh looked very stressed...probably because I didn't call him when I had my pregnancy scare. Of course, I'm not pregnant, and if I were I would most definitely have called him - which I told him later when we had some time alone.

We even told her about my scare so that she would know that we understood how she was feeling. She said it wasn't the same, and that Josh is out of college and I'm almost out of college and he makes good money, blah, blah, blah, it would have ended happily ever after...Josh and I just looked at each other at that point. I would have given everything I own to know what he was thinking. We didn't really get anywhere with her.

Natalie and Amanda got home and looked pretty surprised to see Josh in our living room. I have to admit that I'm happy Molly is on a leadership retreat this weekend, because I didn't want to explain this to her. Finally, Jason showed up and that was the end of the evening. Well, except that Josh stuck around for a minute to apologize for Lauren dragging me into this. He said he hoped that his presence wasn't too much of a problem for me. I felt really bad and assured him that I was fine and I wanted to help Lauren all that I can. I reached out and squeezed his arm and he smiled at me, but he looked weary. I hope he's doing alright.

I wish they'd get back to that I can talk to them. I need to occupy myself somehow. I have tons of errands to run but I don't want to leave in case they return. What to do? What to do?

It turns out Lauren is going through the same thing that I went through a few weeks ago...except her test results were positive. She's freaked out. Alex doesn't know and her parents don't know. Josh is flying in so that he can help her break the news to her parents.

She stayed with me last night, but she and Josh will be staying at Jason's tonight. Josh's flight is getting in around dinner time so I'm going to take Lauren up to Newark to pick him up. She was lucky that he had a long weekend and was able to come home.

Right now Lauren's asleep. I've canceled my plans for the day. I figured I'll just try to keep her mind off of things. I might take her to Point Pleasant for lunch. The ocean and the salt air might do her some good.

Going to pick up Lauren at the train station. Josh is flying in tomorrow to see her. Something big is going on...still don't know what.

Natalie and I had a good time in Boston. We got there Friday night. Mark met us outside to help us get out things inside and it was really great to see him. I'm so used to seeing him in competition mode and was happy to see him looking so relaxed. I wish I could have said the same for myself. For some reason I was really nervous.

We went on a haunted hayride that some of his friends had organized. I was a nervous wreck. I kept wringing my hands. He noticed and finally grabbed my hands and asked if I was okay. I told him that I was nervous about someone jumping out at me, but I think I was really nervous about being there with him, even though he gave me no reason to be.

After the hayride we had dinner and Natalie really hit it off with one of Mark's roommates. We had a nice time but I was still really nervous.

By Saturday my nerves had calmed. Mark wasn't making any moves on me so maybe that helped. It's weird. I find him incredibly attractive, but I didn't want anything to happen. I guess it's because I know that my heart is still healing and if Mark were to be more than a friend I want my heart to be ready for him.

We spent Saturday morning touring Boston and then we headed to Salem. We had fun but the weather was a drag so we didn't get to stay out as long as we had hoped. Still, I'm glad we got to go. Salem is truly a cool place to be on Halloween.

On Sunday we headed for home. I got a weird voicemail from Lauren. I tried calling her back but didn't hear from her until today. She left me another message a little while ago telling me that she's coming down tonight. I'm not sure what's going on, but I wish she would call me back! All of these dramatic voicemails are getting to me.

Well, that's all for now!

Heading off to Boston in a few minutes! Looking forward to getting away. :)

My evening class got out early last night because my prof was sick. I thought I'd use the time to do research for a paper I have due in a few weeks. I headed to the library and ran into Dan (one of the guys from "West Side Story"). He sat down at the table I was at and we started talking. I was enjoying our conversation until he tried to kiss me. Yes, out of the blue tried to kiss me! No warning whatsoever. I pushed him away and tried to explain as nicely as possible that I wasn't into him. It was just so awkward and unexpected. Maybe if he had asked me out first, but it just felt very weird. I still feel weird and bad about it. I don't want to hurt his feelings. I really like him...just not that way.

Tonight is my last dance class. We're doing the Samba. Oh, how I'm dreading it. The Samba is just so awkward for new dancers and I just can't imagine some of the students pulling it off. It should be an interesting hour.

I don't know what's up with Bill. He blew me off last week and then acted strange on Tuesday. I don't know if I did something to annoy him or what. Actually, it feels like everyone is acting weird lately. Molly has been acting so strange the past few days. Every time I see her she jumps like I've startled her or something. Is the moon in some strange phase that I'm unaware of?

I'm glad to be getting away this weekend. Mark sent me an email this morning to let me know about some plans for Saturday night. I wish we had more time to spend there. I'd like to see Boston but I don't think we'll have much time for that.

Well, time for me to log off and get back to school work...

Ugh, Monday. At least I had a good weekend. Friday was opening night of the play. It was great. It was so cool to see the whole thing and to watch my dance come to life on stage. Saturday night I went back to see it again and then to the cast party afterward. It was a blast. We did karaoke all night and played games. This group is very entertaining! I guess that happens when you're a bunch of performers. :)

My little crush on Bill is over. He kind of blew me off on Thursday and I decided I don't need that. Once you've been treated like a queen from the most amazing guy ever, it's hard to settle for being treated okay by a guy who is just okay himself. Maybe that sounds mean...I just know that Josh set the bar really high. That's why it feels like I'll never find anyone nearly as special as him.

This coming weekend is my trip to Massachusetts with Natalie. We'll be visiting Mark and going to Salem for Halloween. I'm looking forward to getting away and Mark tells me that Salem is really cool over Halloween weekend.

It will be nice to see him again, although I'm still torn about what I want to happen between us. I remember the day after our date thinking he was amazing, and then I ran into Josh at the grocery store and the feelings that Josh stirs in me are so much stronger. Mark is too good to be a rebound or a second choice.

I know that my heart is holding out for Josh, but my brain is like "don't let Mark get away!!!" Why does the heart have to complicate things? Why can't the brain explain to the heart that Josh isn't coming back? Why can't the heart move on, or at least move aside and let the brain take over for a little while? Because the brain knows that I'd be an idiot to let a guy like Mark get away, but the heart still loves Josh oh so much...

Arrrghhhhhh! Why won't he leave my subconscious alone????????? Okay, I know that Josh isn't really trying to creep into my subconscious, but he is...like every night! Last night I dreamed that he showed up at my door with two big suitcases and told me he was moving home. He told me that he couldn't live without me and then he pulled me into his arms and just as we were about to kiss I woke up. Damn it! I stared at the clock. 1:37 a.m. and groaned because I knew I had several more hours of sleep leaving me wide open for more Josh dreams. I had a second dream that I don't remember as vividly. It didn't seem to have a story to it like the first one did. I just know that I was at some sort of party and Josh was there and we kept looking at each other but we never connected.

It's just so annoying. He's out of my life, but he's still stuck in my head. No, it's more than that. He's in my blood, in my heart and in my head and it runs so deep that I can't shake him. Even my little crush on Bill doesn't seem to be enough to crush my love for Josh.

Sometimes I wonder what I'm doing here. Maybe I should be in Southern California. I get so confused. I shouldn't even be thinking about Southern California. Josh didn't think it was a good idea for me to move there. Maybe he really doesn't love me as much as I love him. Damn that dream for forcing him on me again. I'm better when I'm not thinking about him. I have to keep moving on.

Just finished my lab. I have my 3 hour class tonight. Tuesdays are long days. Lab was fun though. Having Bill as my lab partner definitely makes the time go by faster. Today one of the guys was giving him grief and I started to sing, "Don't mess with Bill." They got a kick out of it. Bill said I have a nice singing voice. I'm not sure why but this made me very happy. I think I might be developing a little crush on him. Rebound crush maybe...

Tomorrow I'm back in the theater for a few hours to watch dress rehearsals. I told the director I'd be there to help clean up any mistakes. I think the cast is pulling it together. I give them a lot of credit because the Mambo isn't easy and they didn't have a lot of time to learn it.

I'm teaching Mambo tomorrow night for my dance class. Henry said he's gotten good feedback on the class so we are talking about running another class. We're going back and forth between running the same class and moving on to a more advanced class for the current students. I'm going to find out tonight if any of them want to continue on. I'd love to spend more than one week on each dance.

Well, off to grab a quick dinner before the next class!

Dinner at the Anderson's old house wasn't as weird as expected. The house looks completely different now. The new neighbors painted and completely redecorated it. Their taste is a lot more modern. Still, I couldn't help but feel sad when I saw the big empty space where Josh's grand piano once sat. And again as I walked past the spot where Josh and I stood under the mistletoe for that very first kiss. Once I got past that I was able to enjoy myself. Dinner was delicious and the new neighbors are very nice. They seem to like Aunt Lu a lot. I was worried she'd be all alone without Mrs. Anderson next door.

This morning was class, class, class and then I spent most of the afternoon studying. I'm trying to be careful about keeping up with my school work. All of these extra activities are keeping me busy...but they are also keeping my mind off of you-know-who, so I suppose that's a good thing.

Well, it's time for me to get moving. I have to meet Bill to write up our lab for tomorrow. Then it's more studying tonight!

I've had a busy weekend. The Haunted House was fun, but we didn't have as many people this weekend. I think the weather kept people away. Bill asked us to help out next weekend too. I'm going to see what I can do. I want to go to the play on opening night. I'm starting to get friendly with the cast and I want to go cheer them on.

Yesterday I spent the afternoon working with the cast of "West Side Story." I helped them rehearse "The Dance at the Gym." I also helped the choreographer work with them on some of the other dances. I really had a good time. Dan, is the guy who keeps telling me to audition next semester. He was trying to talk me into it again yesterday. I'm starting to seriously give it some thought, although I'd be happy just doing choreography again. I've been asked to work on choreography for shows before. I wish I had done it sooner. It's been a good time.

I came to Pennsylvania this morning to go to church with Aunt Lu. I was nervous about seeing the Andersons but they weren't there. It was a relief. I was afraid that seeing them would be rough on me...just more reminders of him. Of course, tonight won't be much easier. The new neighbors have invited Aunt Lu and me to their house for dinner. Their son just graduated from culinary school and is making dinner. Aunt Lu is looking forward to it, but all I can think about is how weird it will be to be in that house with new people living there. I hope it's not too weird.

Lindsay thinks that repressing my feelings for You-Know-Who will just make me more miserable. She thinks it's better to deal with things head on. She could be right, but when I think of him it hurts. So of course last night he filled my dreams...one dream after another all night long. I hate waking up and feeling like we were just together. It makes it all the more crushing when I discover that it was just a dream. It's like I have to start all over again. I guess my subconscious mind is fighting my conscious decision to repress thoughts of him. I don't know what to do. How do you get over someone and move on? I try to do all of the right things, but nothing ever seems to work. The only times that I had semi-success with getting over Josh is when I was on the road trip and met Patrick, and then again when I was dancing with Mark this summer. Then I see Josh again and I'm back at square one. That is why I needed a clean break. I cannot let my dreams hold me back.

Tonight is the Haunted House so that will keep me busy. Tomorrow I'm working with the cast of "West Side Story" on "Dance At The Gym." I've been having a good time hanging out with the cast. One of the guys keeps asking why I haven't auditioned for any musicals. I wish I had thought to, but I don't think I'm much of an actress. I can dance and I can pull off a singing number, but I'm not sure if I could act. I'm thinking of possibly auditioning for a show in the spring just to see what would happen. Worst case scenario is that I don't get cast, and if I do it might be a lot of fun.

Lauren sent me an email this morning apologizing for giving me a hard time. She said she was watching "Glee" last night and when she heard "You Keep Me Hangin' On" it made her think of me...something about the line "seeing you only breaks my heart again." Funny, but that's not the song from last night's episode of "Glee" that makes me think of Him. "No Air" seems more appropriate...but I'm moving on now. I'm trying not to let my mind wander and linger on thoughts of Him too much. Memories are in the past, and no matter how good those memories are, they are just memories.

I spent most of today at the dance studio working with Mona. There's so much to learn. I spent my childhood at my mother's dance studio and never really grasped how much went into running a studio. I thought I'd know more than I do. I guess I'm lucky that Mona is willing to stick around and teach me.

I'm hanging at Aunt Lu's now. I'm thinking of staying here tonight. The weather is miserable and I don't feel like driving back to New Jersey in the rain. Besides, if I stay here I get Aunt Lu's cooking for dinner! :)

I've been busy. I spent all afternoon helping some of the cast of "West Side Story" with their Mambo. Not everyone has picked it up, and with me being so sick a few weeks ago, it kind of messed up their rehearsal schedule. The Mambo is tough because it breaks on the 2 (that's why Baby kept stepping on Johnny's feet in "Dirty Dancing"). Most dances that Americans dance break on the first beat so it can be tough to hold off for that second beat. That has been the biggest problem with the Mambo so far. They open next week so we still have a little time, and it's just a few people who are struggling. I can always move them to the back of the stage if I have to...I just feel bad about that!

My Wednesday night dance class is tonight. We're doing the East Coast Swing tonight. I'm looking forward to it. I think the Fox Trot, Cha Cha and East Coast Swing are the most valuable dances for the social dancer. If you know these three dances you can go to a wedding and dance the night away. Of course, I told this to one of the couples and they went to a Brazilian wedding and they played Sambas all night. Go figure. We're holding the Mambo and Samba for our last two weeks. I wanted them to have some experience before giving them the challenging dances.

Bill asked me to help out with the Haunted House again this weekend. I'm taking Molly and Nat along with me because he needs more help. I'm looking forward to it. I really had fun last week.

I'm starting to feel renewed. Working on the choreography for the show and helping with the Haunted House has gotten me out of my comfort zone a little. I've been meeting new people and having fun. I'm not sitting around moping about Him.

Well, I should probably do some actual school work since I'll be out tonight. The one bad thing about keeping busy is that I'm not keeping up with my classes and I've made it this far (and it wasn't easy with being in Florida for a whole semester!) so I don't want to mess up now. Just a few more months and I'll be a college grad!

I had the best weekend. I haven't had this much fun in a long time. My lab partner, Bill, is in charge of running a haunted house and he needed some extra people so he asked me to help out. I can't believe how much fun it was. I met a bunch of new people and did something different. I needed that. I'm hoping Bill will need some extra help next weekend too.

Today I'm going to Pennsylvania to help Aunt Lu with some housework. She was climbing a latter and cleaning out the gutters when I got there the other day, and I just don't think it's a good idea. She's getting older and I worry about her falling and hurting herself. I'm not there anymore and the Anderson's aren't next door to keep an eye on her. It terrifies me that something could happen to her. I told her that I'd finish the job for her today, so it's off to clean the gutters!

I had a great day at the dance studio. I got there early and took a yoga class. I spent the rest of the morning helping Mona with various things. We went to lunch at Angelo's and talked about the business. She wants me to run the holiday show this year. Its a big undertaking but I feel like I'm up for it.

After lunch we went back to the studio. Jenna was there so I talked to her for awhile. I'm at Aunt Lu's now. I'm going to stay here tonight, have dinner with Aunt Lu, Uncle Bill, Aunt Linda, Brett and Lindsay.

I haven't heard from Josh since last weekend, but I did get a voice mail from Lauren. She kind of let me have it. She doesn't understand. It's okay. I can see where she's coming from. She doesn't want to see her brother hurt. I don't want to see her brother hurt. I love him. That hasn't changed, but we can't be together. I hope that in time Lauren will understand. I have to protect myself. It was time to let go...really let go. Because I realize that I've talked a good talk, but I've never really let go until Saturday.

I am finally feeling like myself again. I have got to rev up my immune system because I don't want to spend the winter sick. That was miserable.

So Friday night was...weird. It was really more than that, but weird is the best way to describe it. I had dinner with Lauren, Alex, Jason, Natalie, Molly and Josh. When I saw him I was both happy and sad. He gave me a big hug and seemed so happy to see me. I melted into that hug and wanted to stay there as long as possible. I knew there wouldn't be too many more of those hugs.

We had dinner and it was awkward. I knew about the conversation that was coming but he didn't. It just felt so weird. I was trying to enjoy myself, but I kept thinking, "things will never be the same again." It was such a strange feeling.

After dinner we went back to Nat's to play Wii. Josh noticed I was acting weird and asked if I was okay. I told him I was but that I needed to talk to him. When we got the chance we broke away from the group and went to my room to talk.

We sat down and I explained to him what has happened since Las Vegas. I told him about the pregnancy scare. He said all of the right things..."why didn't you call me?" "You know I would have been there for you." "I'm so sorry you went through that by yourself." I wouldn't have expected anything less, but that's the problem. I explained to him that there was a part of me that wished I were pregnant, because I know him and I know he would have moved home to be with me.

He was silent for a minute, and then he said, "Yes, I would have. Why is that a bad thing?" It's not. I explained that, and told him what is a bad thing is that I would have used that baby to trap him. He argued that I can't trap someone who wants to stay. Then I explained to him that the problem is with my intention not with what he would have done. My intention was that I wanted him to move home and stay regardless of whether or not that is what he wanted.

We were both pretty exhausted at this point. He told me that he's been trying to get transferred to a project in New York and nothing has come through. He told me that he hates LA and is homesick all the time so he does nothing but work, work, work. He said he has all of these friends from college who were music majors who can't get jobs. He's afraid to move home without work lined up. I understand it. It's rough out there, and he's got a dream job and he's making tons of money. I understand why he doesn't want to leave that right now.

I told him that I'm having a really hard time moving on, that I'm lonely for him all the time and that it's not good for me. He nodded, but I'm not sure if he was really agreeing with me. He seemed like he was somewhere else. I quickly got his attention though when I explained that I need some time without him in my life. He didn't like that, but I made my case. I simply cannot get over him when he keeps popping up every few months. I cannot get over him when I'm facebook stalking him or getting phone calls and emails here and there. I told him that I need a clean break...at least for a while.

After some conversation he finally agreed. No contact for a while. He said he didn't like it, but he'd do it because he loves me and he wants me to be happy. Then he gave me one of the sweetest kisses, lingered there for a minute, and then pulled away and left. I haven't heard from him since, and I know I won't. Josh is very good about keeping his word.

Saturday sucked, but Sunday was easier, and Monday was even easier than Sunday. I know I've made the right decision. I can't keep holding on to yesterday. It's time to move forward towards tomorrow.

I'm finally feeling better. I'm still shaken by what happened, but I consider myself lucky since I got off easy. Josh is in town and I'm supposed to see him tonight. I'm so nervous. I need to tell him that I'm cutting him off. I just can't have him in my life right now. It's too hard for me to let go.

I'm so torn up because the thought of not having him in my life makes me so sad, but then I think about how sad I am by holding on to him. This is for the best. I know that. Molly, Natalie, Amanda and I have discussed this at length and they agree. I just wish it weren't this way. I love him more than I've ever loved anyone, and he's always been so good to me. If it weren't for the 3,000 miles between us...but I can't focus on that. I just have to focus on moving on with my life so that I can enjoy it and be happy. No more pining for Josh. I was doing so great before Vegas. I have to get back to that, and to do that I can't have Josh in my life anymore.

I'm still feeling crappy. I'm going to see the doctor on Monday. I have never been so nauseous or fatigued in my life. I don't know what is wrong with me. Last night was awful. I called the emergency line at my doctor's office and the nurse practitioner called me back. We discussed my symptoms and she said, "Could you be pregnant?" I was about to answer "no" when I realized I was late, and that Josh and I had spent an afternoon together in Vegas when everyone was at the Hoover Dam.

I got off the phone and raced upstairs to Natalie's room in a panic. I pulled her out of bed and made her to take me to an all night pharmacy. We didn't know which pregnancy test to buy so we bought one of each. When we got home Molly had woken up and was waiting for us. We couldn't exactly lie so we told her what was going on. She looked horrified. I love Molly, but she can be a bit judgmental, and she doesn't approve of hooking up...especially me hooking up with Josh.

I took every test, and while we were waiting Molly and Natalie got into a debate about abortion (another reason I wasn't thrilled that Molly was there). Natalie was trying to be supportive and discuss options, and Molly jumped down her throat. It was not what I wanted to hear. I finally said, "Enough. I would never abort Josh's baby so let's just stop this discussion." Well, it turns out - according to all of the tests - that I'm not pregnant.

I am relieved, but there is a tiny part of me that liked the idea of having Josh's baby, and it's really freaking me out. I know that if I were pregnant he'd come home, and I want him to come home so badly. How twisted is that? This whole thing is making me realize more and more that I need to get Josh Anderson out of my system. This isn't good for me. He's moved away and I really, really, really have to move on.

I just got home from class and I feel like crap. I was fine when I woke up this morning but I was sitting in my last class and suddenly I was really tired. I'm going to try to take a nap this afternoon so that I can teach class tonight.

I've been enjoying DTWS this season. Kelly Osbourne - who would have thunk it? I'm impressed.

Josh left me a message this morning. He's coming home next weekend and wants to see me. I called him back but didn't get him on the line. Maybe we'll connect later. For now, I think I need that nap.

I officially love Thursdays! I got up this morning and did a cardio workout and yoga. Then I leisurely started my day, had a nice lunch and then spend the first half of the afternoon studying. I love having a day off in the middle of the week. It's the best. :)

I was asked by one of the theater groups on campus to choreograph a number for their production of "West Side Story." They want to do a real Mambo to the "Dance At The Gym" but their choreographer doesn't do ballroom so I'm going to help her with that number. I'm excited! I'm going to a rehearsal tonight to see what they are working on and meet some of the dancers. They want to teach the routine next weekend so it doesn't give me much time, but after doing the competition the past three years, I've become pretty good at putting choreography together fast.

Well, that's all for now. Study break is over and I have several chapters to read.

I've been listening to Carrie Underwood a lot lately. I was stuck on the song "You Won't Find This." It's kind of my song for Josh right now. But last night I was listening to her other songs and "Wasted" came on and it really got me thinking about the words: "I don't want to spend my life jaded, waiting to wake up one day and find that I let all these years go by wasted." Or "I don't want to keep on wishing, missing the still of the morning the color of the night." It made me realize that I can't let any more time go wasted. I'm supposed to be having fun right now. It's my senior year...my last year before I have to grow up. I want it to be fun and light and carefree. I don't want to spend it sitting around feeling bad about Josh, wishing he were here and moping because he's not.

I talked to Nat last night and she agreed to go to Boston with me for Halloween. I called Mark to let him know that I was coming but bringing a friend. He seemed cool with it. Maybe his intentions are really just platonic. Nevertheless, we'll have a great time I'm sure. :)

Tonight is my second solo teaching experience. I'm excited. We're going to follow the Waltz with the Fox Trot. I think it's a good progression. I have my Fox Trot playlist all ready to go!

Ugh...three hour lab starts in 40 minutes. I'm so unmotivated to go. I definitely have senioritis. I want to spend my time at the dance studio. I guess I'm just ready to get on with my life. I just keep reminding myself that it's one more year and then I'll have my degree and my very own dance studio.

Mark keeps emailing me and asking if I'm going to visit for Halloween. I don't know what to tell him. I want to go, but I don't want him to think I'm going up there because I want something romantic to happen between us. I'm so torn. I hold back because deep in my heart I'm hoping that somehow, someway, I'll be with Josh. But then reality sets in and I remind myself that it's time to move one...and what better way to move on than with handsome, charming Mark? And then I think that Mark is better than a rebound guy. So I'm completely confused! Still, I would love to go up to Boston. I've never been there and the idea of going to Salem for Halloween sounds really cool. What to do? What to do?

Oh my gosh... I completely forgot to mention that I went out to dinner last night with Linds and she told me she's dating Henry!!!! I'm so excited. I've seen the potential there for years! They always seemed like they would make the perfect couple if only the timing were right. I guess the timing is right! I am so happy for her. I hope this works out. I really, really, really want to her to have romance and happiness in her life. She so deserves it.

I'm going to be signing up to get my instructor certification for zumba. Zumba is a form of aerobic exercise that uses a lot of steps from the latin dances. I thought it would be a cool thing to add to my resume...maybe even bring zumba to the dance studio!

My dance class went so well last night! I'm really excited. I have five couples and a woman who dragged her brother there (I think she won a bet, but he seemed like a good sport). We did the Waltz last night. I like to start with the Waltz because I think it's a good foundation for the other dances. Everyone seemed like they were having a good time. It definitely helped me feel better about things.

Today is my day off. On Tuesdays I have a three hour lab and an evening class so I didn't schedule any classes on the Tuesday/Thursday schedule. I'm probably going to spend Thursdays at the dance studio shadowing Mona so that I get more experience, but today I'm hanging out at home. I'm still pretty tired from the trip to Vegas. There wasn't a whole lot of sleeping going on there. We were up all night almost every night. I guess the song is accurate...Vegas turns night into daytime!

Yesterday I posted on facebook that I had the song "You Won't Find This" by Carrie Underwood stuck in my head. Josh must have looked up the lyrics because he sent me a message that said, "There's no confusion here. I know you're my once in a lifetime. J." Ugh...it takes all of my self-control not to drive up to Newark and hop on the first plane to Los Angeles. And then I think, he's always some place else. How can I settle for that? What is worse? Settling for second best, or settling for a once-in-a-lifetime-love that I only get to see on occasion?

Back to school today. It's rainy and dreary here. It's hard to be back after the weekend in Las Vegas.

Josh and I stuck together the rest of the weekend. We hung out with the gang but we were always together. We went to Freemont Street with everyone Sunday night and then we went out to dinner alone on the strip late that night. Afterwards we walked around holding hands just like we used to. He kissed me goodnight outside my hotel room and it felt like old times. On Monday Lauren, Alex, Jason and Jennifer flew home. Lindsay, Henry, Amanda, Molly and Natalie went to the Hoover Dam so Josh and I got to spend some time together that afternoon.

It was great being with him, but it's making me miss him so much right now. It feels like a set back. I was feeling better and now I'm walking around missing him. The worst part is that I don't want to hear Molly say "I told you so." She warned me not to get too close to him this weekend. I knew she was right but I couldn't stop myself.

He called last night to talk and see how my flight was. He told me that he avoided hooking up with me when he was home in the spring, when I visited him in LA and again when he was home two weeks ago because he knew it would hurt too much. I guess the romantic atmosphere of the sunrise at the Grand Canyon got the best of both of us. It doesn't matter. We both knew that this thing would only last the weekend. I knew what I was doing and I knew that there would be no tomorrow. It sucks but it's the reality.

Now I just have to put my brave face on for a few days until I bounce back. I'm sure I will. I guess what bothers me the most is that there is once in awhile love, and there's once in a lifetime love. Josh is once in a lifetime. Am I destined to spend the rest of my life with second best?

Tonight is my first night teaching dance solo (it's Wednesday nights - not Tuesdays as I previously posted). Maybe getting out there and dancing will help me get my groove back.

Leaving Las Vegas...My flight will be taking off in a little while and I'm sad to go. I hate the thought of heading east while Josh is heading west. He might be back over the California border by now. I'll post more about the trip tonight or tomorrow, but for now I should just let everything sink in. It was a great weekend. I wish I could relive it all over again.

The Grand Canyon was AMAZING! We got there around dinner time yesterday. We went to the Canyon because Lauren and Alex wanted to see it but they didn't want to get up early this morning for the sunrise. We walked around and took tons of pictures. We checked into our hotel and then found a bar that serves food. The place was a complete dive, but it was so much fun. They were playing country music, had pool tables and some of the greasiest food I've ever eaten. We ended up hanging out there all night.

Josh and I played pool against Lauren and Alex. We weren't the best pool players, but Lauren was amazing. It was weird...we have no idea how she got so good. She enjoyed it though...lots of trash talking and laughing at the rest of us while she got ball after ball in the pockets.

After a few rounds of pool Lauren and Alex were dancing and Josh and I were sitting together at a table. I thanked him for "for bringing me here." He laughed and said, "to a dive bar?" I said, "yes, to a dive bar and to the Grand Canyon. You're making a dream come true." He leaned over and said, "I'm glad I can still make your dreams come true." Then he kissed my cheek, took my hand and lead me out to dance. It was perfect.

This morning Josh and I got up supper early and head to the Grand Canyon. We found a spot and sat down together. It was on the cold side so Josh put his arm around me to warm me up. It worked.

We sat there together and watched as the sun rose up over the Canyon. The colors were spectacular. It was amazing, and being there with Josh made it all the more better. It was so romantic.

After the sun came up we walked around for a while and took more pictures. It was gorgeous. Josh asked me if it was worth it to miss a night in Las Vegas. I told him I'd pick the canyon over Vegas any day. In fact, I wish I could have stayed there forever. He agreed and told me he was glad we got some time to be alone together. He told me that he misses me and then he kissed me. That's when I really wished we could have stayed there forever.

I know we're not getting back together. Nothing has changed. He's living in LA now, and I'm in Pennsylvania...but I hope we can enjoy the rest of this weekend together. I just want to spend as much time with him as I can.

I'm in Vegas! I had a great birthday. We had a buffet breakfast and then Natalie, Jennifer and I went to the spa for pedicures. After that we met up with the rest of the gang at the pool. Josh had just arrived and was hanging out with them. He looks even better than the last time I saw him. How is that possible?

We spent the afternoon checking out the different casinos. It's amazing but the smoke from the LA wildfires has actually made it's way to Las Vegas. Josh said he was glad to get out of LA for a few days. He said the air quality there is really bad.

So we walked through New York-New York, watched the fountain show at the Bellagio, we walked through the streets of "Paris" and explored MGM. After that we headed to the other end of the strip. We walked around the Venetian and did the gondola ride. It was a fun day.

Last night we went to PF Chang's for my birthday dinner. I got the most amazing b-day present from Josh...he's taking me to the grand canyon. Josh, Lauren, Alex and I are driving out there this afternoon. We're going to stay over night and get up tomorrow morning to see the sunrise!!!! I'm so excited.

Just a few days until Las Vegas. I can't wait. I can't believe I'm going to be 21 and old enough to do all of the things people do in Las Vegas. And even though I'm not a drinker or gambler, I'm really looking forward to this trip. The only thing I'm bummed about is that no one wants to make the trek out to the Grand Canyon and it's something I really wanted to do. I wanted to see the sunrise there. Oh, well. I looked into the tours and it doesn't look like they do sunrise tours anyway.

I'm working on my lesson plan for the dance class. It's introduction to Ballroom and Latin so I'll be doing a different class each week. I with I could do a more in depth class but this is what the hotel wants. It's 8 weeks so I'll be covering Rhumba, Cha Cha, Waltz, Fox Trot, Tango, Mambo, East Coast Swing and Samba. Although I'm kind of thinking of cutting out the Samba and doing two weeks of Swing since people are more likely to swing than Samba. I'm really looking forward to this!

I just got back from a day of shopping with Nat and Molly. We decided we needed some new clothes for the start of school. They both informed me that as a single girl, I need to make sure I'm putting my best foot forward. It's so weird. Josh and I have been broken up since January and yet it's taken me almost 9 months to feel like a single girl. Maybe I'm actually coming to terms with things. I don't care what the explanation is. I just know that I'm feeling happier than I have in a really long time and that is a good thing.

This weekend I'm going up to Connecticut to hang out with Lauren and Alex. That's the cool thing about starting school later than everyone else - I get to go visit them before I get stuck in the thick of things. I have also been invited to go visit Mark in Boston. I've never been there so I think I'll go. He suggested that I visit over Halloween weekend so that we can go to Salem. That sounds like so much fun!

Henry has set up the dance lessons at his hotel that we talked about a few months ago. I'm going to be teaching beginners Ballroom and Latin there on Tuesday nights. I'm so excited about this. It will be my own class. I've always helped to teach someone else's class so this is big for me. I'm so excited!

Saturday night turned out to be a really great night. Molly and I got to Angelo's a little after 9:00 and the first thing I saw was Josh surrounded by his groupies. I must have looked disgusted because Mona told me to wipe the look off my face, and reminded me that those women are big supporters of the dance studio that I'm about to buy. I'm going to try to be more patient with them going forward.

So the guys were on stage singing and I have to admit, although begrudgingly, that the guy who replaced Josh is pretty good. He's not Josh, but he's good. Anyway, they were singing and Josh came over to talk to us. His family was there and a lot of Angelo's regulars were around. Molly and I were hanging out with Lauren and Denise for most of the night.

The guys sang "I Only Have Eyes For You" and Josh and I danced together. It's one of our songs. He pulled me real close, and it felt real good, but I reminded myself that I can't settle for three minutes. I need more.

The guys pulled Josh up on stage to sing "The Morse Code of Love" and "O What A Night" which are two of the songs he used to sing. I was hoping he'd sing "This I Swear" but he didn't. It's not like the song was ever really for me, but I kind of felt like it was for me. Or maybe it was wishful thinking.

The guys also sang the song, "Denise" to Ron's wife Denise. Which is kind of funny since Alex does most of the singing. I guess Ron's bass voice can't hit those high notes. We all danced around her and then they followed up with more fast songs. Lauren and I did some swing dancing. I danced one more time with Josh towards the end of the night. I told him that he should be on stage and he responded with, "right now, I think I'm right where I need to be." He always does that...says the perfect thing.

So that was the evening. Josh and I had some moments but nothing earth shattering. I still want to be with him, but I know that I can't. And for now, I'm okay with it. I'm just going to keep on doing what I'm doing. I'm moving on with my life and hoping that someday I will find someone new.

Last night I was a little crazy. Natalie and Molly just got back in town. Nat was working for her father all summer and Molly had an internship at Disney World. We all met up for dinner in town and then I dragged them around to every place I thought Josh might possibly be. Of course he wasn't at any of the places, and when Natalie got home she called me and told me that Lauren's car was parked outside of Jason's house. I guess that's where he was.

This morning wasn't much better. I was thinking about him like crazy so I immersed myself in Aunt Lu's backing project in hopes of distracting myself. It appears that she is single-handedly trying to supply the entire stock of baked goods for the church bake sale tomorrow. She has been baking non-stop since yesterday. We spent the morning making brownies, cookies, chocolate cake...yum.

Then around lunch time Aunt Lu got a phone call and wandered into the living room to take it. A minute later she called me out there to look at something. She pointed out the window and I saw Josh sitting in his mother's car outside his old house. I ran out and tapped on the window. He looked a little embarrassed and rolled down the window. I asked him if I could get in and he unlocked the door.

He told me he wanted to see if the new neighbors made any changes to the house. He said it feels weird because he feels like it should still be his house. We talked about the house for a few minutes and then I asked him why he didn't tell me he was coming to town. He said it was because Lauren told him I was doing well and that I was happy and he didn't want to mess things up for me. Then he said, "I hear you're seeing someone new. Is he good to you?" I told him that Mark and I only went on one date and that Mark was on his way back to Boston so it was hardly a relationship. I explained that it was really just a friendship and that I was grateful to Mark for opening my eyes and getting me to stop moping around. I told him how Mark said he wouldn't feel sorry for me because I was gorgeous, smart, funny and talented. Josh just smiled and said, "He sounds like a smart guy."

I coaxed him into the house with promises of Aunt Lu's cookies, which she was surprisingly generous with. Josh had to head back into town to pick up his mother so he didn't stay long, but he invited me to Angelo's tonight to see the Doo Wop guys perform. He's not singing (he's been replaced) but he's going and he said a lot of people would be there.

Now I need to figure out what to wear. This time I'm going to be prepared to see him. No run-to-the-grocery-store clothing or old clothes with flour, batter and eggs all over them. Tonight I must look good.

I just got back from the grocery store. I was standing in line to check out when my phone started ringing. I looked at it and saw it was Josh calling. I picked up and said, "Joshua Anderson, to what do I owe this pleasure?" He responded with, "I just wanted to tell you how gorgeous you look." My heart turned over and started thumping away as I scanned the store and saw him standing there just a few feet away. I nearly dropped the butter and eggs Aunt Lu had sent me to fetch.

I walked over to him and he wrapped me up in one of his amazing hugs. He flew in last night. He had wanted to come for Lauren's final dance on Wednesday but he couldn't get out of work so he managed to get home for the weekend.

And now here I am at home blogging about Josh once again. I fully expected to be recounting the details of a great evening out with Mark, and yet all I can think about are the 2 minutes I spent with Josh at the grocery store. I don't understand how he does this to me. I was finally getting my life together and then he waltzes in and I'm like putty in his hands. He smiles at me and his eyes sparkle and I'm a goner. And he looks so good...I guess a little more LA than I'm used to. His hair is a little longer and he wasn't clean shaven, but God he looked good. He shouldn't be allowed to look that good. It's not fair to his poor ex-girlfriend who can't get over him.

He was heading over to the swim club and it's taking all of my will-power not to run over there to see him again. I can't even fake a reason to be there. I just keep hoping that somehow I'll see him again before he heads back to California.

Lauren won the competition. I wasn't really surprised. I know the Joshies would come through for her. I do believe that without them Mark would have won, but whatever. It's just a summer competition and Mark didn't seem too terribly upset about his loss. He looked like he was having a good time and that's what's most important.

So tonight we are going out to dinner and then to see "The Ugly Truth." I think we'll have a nice time. He leaves to go back to school on Saturday, so as I mentioned before this isn't going to become a relationship, but it's still nice to get out. And the fact that Mark is a smart, funny and handsome guy doesn't hurt either.

I'm looking forward to going to Vegas. I want to take one of the bus trips to the Grand Canyon so badly. None of my friends seem too into it though. I'm hoping to convince them before we get there. What could be more spectacular than seeing the Grand Canyon?

Tonight is the night. Will it be Mark? Or will it be Lauren? My instinct is Lauren. She's got Josh's "fan club" behind her. I love Lauren, but I think Mark should win. He has really proven himself over the past few weeks. I was watching him at dress rehearsal last night and he looked really good. I'm keeping my fingers crossed. I can't really campaign for him because most of my friends will be voting for Lauren.

Tomorrow night is our date. I'm kind of nervous about it. I think I might like him more than I thought. I know it won't go anywhere though. He goes to school in Boston so we probably will just have this one date. And if I were going to have a long distance relationship, we all know who that would be with.

I think this is just the thing for me: a date with a guy who I like but have no expectations for. I don't have to worry about getting hurt, or hurting him. I don't have to feel guilty about the fact that he comes in second to Josh. I can just enjoy the date. That's my plan anyway.

Well, I need to get moving. Call time at the dance studio is in a half hour and I have to round up all of my stuff!

Mark made it to the finals! Jenna is back now and they are rehearsing. I went down to Ocean City, Maryland with Amanda for a few days. Her cousins rented a place down there and we hung out with them. It was a lot of fun and a good way for me to unwind after a few stressful days of rehearsal.

I got back yesterday afternoon and spent the rest of the day rehearsing with Matt. We are doing our Fox Trot again at the finale and I needed to get Matt ready for the performance. We rehearsed last night and again the morning.

So after the performance last Wednesday night Mark kissed me. Our Samba was hot and the audience loved it. I kind of thought the kiss was a result of him excitement about doing a good job and getting to the final round, but later that night he made another move. I told him that I do not hook up. On Friday he called me while I was in Ocean City and asked me to go out with him next week. So I'm going on a date with Mark. I admit that I find him incredibly attractive, and we certainly have chemistry, but I'm not over Josh. So I'm not sure how this will work. I'm just going to take it slow and see how things go.

Not much time for blogging this week with two dances. I'm waiting for Mark so I thought I'd pull out the iPhone for a quick post. I heard back from Josh. He's coming to Vegas. Should make for an interesting weekend. Henry is also coming. I still think a love connection could be made with him and Lindsay. Maybe it will happen in Vegas...just hope it doesn't stay in Vegas.

Rehearsals are going surprisingly well. I think Mark and I have discovered a mutual respect for each other. After knocking the socks off the judges the other night, I think Mark realizes that I'm an asset to him in this competition. On some level he knew that, or he wouldn't have requested I take Jenna's place, but now I've proved it to him. He's listening to me better and not answering the phone constantly. I'm impressed.

Lauren asked me if she can invite Josh to Vegas. I totally understand that she wants to see him, and I have to admit that I want to see him too. I told her I'd invite him. It seems like it should come from me. I'm going to call him a little later to see if he's interested.

I'm going to spend the afternoon at the swim club with Molly. Mark had a family thing this afternoon so I'm going to meet up with him again this evening for more rehearsals.

I'm feeling frustrated this morning. There's a group of women who have been coming to the dance competition since Josh was in it two years ago. They love him - like really love him. He actually has fans. They would show up at his doo-wop performances and on nights that he played the piano at Angelo's. I've even run into some of them out and about in town and they are always asking me questions about him. Everyone at the studio has started calling them the "Joshies." So I totally appreciated them when Josh was in the competition but now it's just getting annoying. They've jumped on the Lauren bandwagon and convince everyone to vote for her. Now, I love Lauren, but I want Mark to have a fair shot at winning this thing.

I think the judges made it even worse for us the other night because one of them looked at me and said, "Nicole, this pairing reminds me of another partner you once had. You and Mark are just as hot." I don't think the Joshies liked this. I just hope they don't take it out on Mark and I hope the other people in the crowd will like him enough to keep him safe. I'll feel really bad if he doesn't get to dance with Jenna again.

The other thing that kind of annoys me is that Lauren encourages these women to obsess over her brother. She keeps telling them that he might come to see her dance. Every week they are looking around for him. I'm almost positive that Josh has no plans to come home.

It's just so weird. The whole thing is so weird to me. I just don't understand how they can be so obsessed with someone they don't know. I mean, they don't stalk his house or anything weird like that, but it just seems like overboard adoration. It's not like he's a celebrity. He's just a guy that danced in a community competition. I just don't understand why they are so loyal after two years.

Mark made it through to the semi-finals. The judges loved our Cha Cha! They said it was Mark's best dance of the summer! It was the first time in a long time that I really had fun. I'm so excited that I get one more week in the competition!

My song went off without a hitch. I made Aunt Lu sit in the front row with a copy of the lyrics so that she could lip them to me in case I forgot the lyrics. Luckily it didn't come to that, but it was stressful. It's not easy to learn a song you don't know in one day - especially when it hits so close to home. It was good for me though. Last night was a new start.

I've got to head over to the dance studio in a little while. I have to work out the choreography for our Samba and Quickstep. Two dances equals double the stress! I'm hoping it's not too bad!

Standing back stage waiting to go one. Super nervous...especially about singing. Hoping I don't forget the words.

Yesterday afternoon Mona calls me and asks me if I can sing tonight. Jennifer was supposed to sing, but she got called back for an audition in New York and doesn't think she'll be home in time. So I agreed to sing. The only hitch is that two dancers are going to dance to the song so I have to sing the song that Jen was going to sing. Well, the song Jen was going to sing is called "I'll Never Love This Way Again." Seriously.

So I finally decide I'm going to get on with my life and then I find out I have to sing a song called "I'll Never Love This Way Again." I just have to laugh because it's like some cosmic joke. Oh, well. Maybe it will be my last tribute to Josh.

There's actually a line in the song that I like. It's "A fool will lose tomorrow reaching back for yesterday." It's time for me to move forward. I know that I'll always love Josh, but I hope that there's enough room in my heart for someone new because Josh is 3,000 miles away and I don't think he's coming back.

I also found out last night that Jenna isn't coming back this week. That means I have to get Mark through tonight, and the semi-finals so that Jenna can dance with him again at the finals. Talk about pressure. The up side is that if anyone is up to the challenge it's Mark. He does like to party, and he does get distracted easily, but he also is a great dancer. I can't believe how much improvement I've seen in just a week. It's amazing.

If we get through this week we'll be doing the Samba and the Quickstep next week. It will be a challenging week. I'm hoping we can do our Samba to "Hips Don't Lie" and our Quickstep to "Puttin' On The Ritz." I put in our requests last night.

Well, that's all for now! I have to meet up with Mark in an hour to do some last minute fine tuning for tonight.

Last night Mark said something to me that totally opened my eyes. We were rehearsing and I twisted my ankle. I sat down and was grumbling to myself. He looked at me and said, "Get up. We have to stay in this competition until Jenna gets back." I gave him and look and asked for a second to shake it off. He rolled his eyes and I said, "Jeez, show some compassion. You could at least feel a little sorry for me."

That's when he said it. He looked at me and said, "There is no reason to feel sorry for you. You're gorgeous. You're smart. You're funny and you're talented. I'm not going to feel sorry for you, and I think it's about time you stop feeling sorry for yourself."

Wow. What a wake up call. He doesn't even know what's going on in my life, but he could sense that I've been engaging in a major pity party. He is so right. I do need to stop feeling sorry for myself. My father is gone and Josh has moved away, but that doesn't change the fact that I have a lot going for me (not to toot my own horn, but you know...). I really need to be focusing my attention on all that is good. I have great friends. I have Aunt Lu. I have one year left of college that I want to enjoy, and I have an amazing business that Mona is selling me. What do I have to feel sorry for?

Maybe this partnership is just what I needed. Maybe Mark was brought into my life to get me back on track. Who knows? I'm just going to remind myself of what he said every time I'm feeling a little down, because he was absolutely right.

Mark and I went to visit Jenna last night. It was obvious that he cares about her a lot. He was so sweet to her - it actually made me like him a little more. It's not that I don't like. He's a nice guy, it's just that he's all over the place. I can't keep his attention and the constant phone calls during rehearsals drives me nuts. With that said, he is a pretty good dancer. I have a good feeling that we'll make it to next week.

I just hope that Jenna makes it to next week. She wasn't looking so great. She has some sort of infection that went into her jaw and it's making her feel really crappy. I feel really bad for her. She kind of hinted around that she might need another week off. I just hope I can keep Mark in the competition long enough for her to return.

Natalie decided that we're going to Las Vegas for my 21st birthday! She and Molly are planning it. I'm not sure who all is going yet, but I think it will be fun. We're only going for a few days, but it will be great to get away with my friends. Natalie said it's time for me to have a little fun in my life and I think she's right. I'm going to party it up this year. I deserve a great birthday.

Okay, I gotta run. I'm meeting Mark around 5:00 for more rehearsals and I have tons of stuff to do. This day has totally gotten away from me!

Well, working with Mark has been a bit of a challenge. He's a good dancer and he's a nice guy, but he's also a big partier and he always wants to have fun. I guess it's good to always been ready for fun, but learning to ballroom dance is hard work and Mark does not like work. He has a different girl calling him every 15 minutes and he is so laid back about everything. It really pisses me off.

At the party the other night I had to stop him from drinking because I didn't want to have to train him with a hangover. He was none too pleased, but I held my ground. I am not going to let him get voted out of the competition on my watch. I owe it to Jenna to keep him in.

Yesterday morning Josh posted his status on Facebook. He wrote, "Josh wishes he were in Pennsylvania." I responded "me too." Last night he called and we talked for an hour. God I miss him. It was good to talk to him, but it makes me miss him even more.

I feel a renewed energy from being back in the competition. We worked on the Cha Cha last night. Tonight Mark and I rehearse for the first time one-on-one. I’ve got my choreography figured out and I think it’s going to be a good number. After rehearsal we’re going to a party at Janine’s house (she’s another contestant). I’m really looking forward to it.

I feel like I’m getting back to myself. I’ve made it through the wilderness and I’m ready to get on with my life again. I don’t know if I’ll ever find another love like Josh, but I do know that I can’t spend my time sitting around feeling bad. It’s time to get back to the land of the living.

Mark made it through to the next round so it's official. I'm back in the game - at least for a week. We are doing the Cha Cha to "Mercy" by Duffy. Tonight we have a group lesson and then Mark and I start rehearsing our routine. I can't tell you how excited I am to be back in the competition. Mark started off strong but has wavered a bit the last two weeks. I'm hoping that I can get him to bounce back again.

I'm not in Vegas. I wanted to go but Natalie thought it was a little too close to Los Angeles and wasn't a good idea. I'm not 21 yet anyway so I guess it's a good thing.

It turns out that Jenna has to have two teeth pulled later this week so I'm going to be temporarily back in the dance competition and standing in for her for a week. Her partner is Mark, and he's known back stage as the "ladies' man." Interesting. He requested that I take Jenna's place so this will be interesting indeed. We'll be dancing a cha cha...well, that is of course if he makes it through to the next level. He always seems kind of preoccupied when I see him rehearse. He has phone calls coming in constantly. This might be a challenge for me.

I've been watching So You Think You Can Dance this summer. Why did I never watch this show before? It's great! I was really, really, really disappointed to see Janette go last week. I thought she was one of the best dancers on the show.

Matt and I got voted out of the competition last week. It sucks because I was really counting on dancing all summer. I'm doing a rumba/cha cha mix with JD this week and then Natalie and I are flying out to Las Vegas for a few days. Well, I hope so anyway. Nat hasn't fully agreed to this, but I'm hoping so. I really want to get away for a few days. I could really use a change of scenery and a place that isn't full of memories of me and Josh.

I'm still missing him. I wonder when - if ever - I'll stop. I mean, I have to move on eventually, don't I? How sad would it be if I spent my whole life pining for him? I keep reminding myself that people loose love all the time and get over it. I will just have to get over it too.

Ugh, dance rehearsals are not going well. Matt is a real estate agent which means that he doesn't have weekends off so we have to rehearse around his crazy schedule. I'm pretty flexible, but I don't feel like we're getting enough rehearsal in. He is late for our afternoon rehearsal, and I'm feeling pressured as our time slips away. He's the contestant so it's his choice, but I don't want him to look like a fool on Wednesday because he didn't rehearse enough.

So I'm sitting here at the dance studio now with no one to rehearse with. Jenna and her partner, Mark, are here rehearsing so I was watching them for a few minutes. They look really good. So do Damon and Lauren. I think Lauren feels a lot of pressure though, since Josh won two years ago. She wants to be just as good.

I spent a few hours hanging out with Lauren yesterday. Molly and I went over and lounged with Lauren around the Anderson's pool. It wasn't that weird to be there... I guess it's because Josh has never lived there and I don't have any memories of him there. We had a nice time and the Anderson's new house is amazing. I told Mrs. Anderson that I miss seeing her and she told me I could visit anytime I want. It was nice, but I don't see myself driving a half hour to drop in on my ex-boyfriend's mother.

Oh well. Damon and Lauren are just starting and Damon is asking me to help him help Lauren with some of the female styling so I should go. At least I'll be making myself useful until Matt shows up.

We made it on to the next week of competition. Matt and I are doing a swing this week. I decided to stick with the number I choreographed to "What Was I Thinking?" I'm a little nervous about it, because Matt wasn't picking up the swing steps real easily last night. We'll see how things go.

I spent the Fourth of July with my friends. Molly, Lauren, Alex, Lindsay, Jennifer, Henry and I went to the fireworks in town. We had a fun time, but I found myself missing Josh miserably. It's so frustrating because I felt like I was getting myself together again, and then something about the 4th of July just set me back to missing him like crazy. Aunt Lu plays this old song and it goes, "I get along without you very well except in spring..." and it goes on about how little things make the singer miss the absent lover. I feel like the singer. I'll be getting along very well and then something happens and I'm missing him all over again.

Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever get over him. When you've had a relationship with a real life Prince Charming, how do you ever find someone new? I just can't imagine loving anyone else the way I love Josh.

Alright, time to stop this. It's not helping. I need to focus on dancing, classes and the studio. There is no use in sulking over something I can't change. It's a waste of energy and a waste of time.

I'm going dancing tonight with a bunch of the dance teachers from the dance studio. I can't wait. Eric, my dance partner from last year is coming along as well as some of this year's dancers. I think it's going to be a really good time.

I am struggling right now to figure out what to do with the East Coast Swing that I choreographed for our second dance of the competition. It's to Dierks Bentley's song, "What Was I Thinking?" In my head it's brilliant, but I'm not so sure how great it will look if Matt can't keep up. Part of me thinks I should find a slower song and save "What Was I Thinking" as a showcase performance for the Jive, but I don't want to petition for a new song and then have to redo the choreography. What to do, what to do? I guess I should hope that we get to week 2 before I start worrying about what song to do.

I had lunch with Henry today. He wants to bring dance lessons into the hotel he works at to bring locals into the hotel. He wants locals to come into the hotel so that they see how nice it is and then recommend it to visiting family members, etc. It's pretty smart. He asked if I could help him with it. I'm going to talk to Mona to see if we can do it as an extension of the dance studio - might as well getting marketing for our business too!

I've been working on the dance competition. We start our performance next week. My partner is a real estate agent named Matt. He's a nice guy, although I'm not sure how far he'll go. Right now we're working on a Fox Trot. We're dancing to "Beyond The Sea" by Bobby Darin.

So a lot has happened since I last blogged. Molly and I went out to California. We had a good time. We saw Josh while we were in LA. I told him I wanted to move out there. He told me it wasn't a good idea. He said he's working so much that we wouldn't even see each other, and he doesn't think I should give up the opportunity to buy the dance studio. He's right. I see that now, but it really stung when he told me. I miss him.

It's getting easier. I feel like the cloud around me is starting to lift. I'm not sitting around feeling sorry for myself. I'm going out with friends, taking summer classes and dancing. Molly thinks I should start dating, but I'm taking things one day at a time. I've come to terms with the fact that Josh and I can't be together, but I'm not quite ready to jump back into the dating pool. I've decided I'm not going to go looking for love. If I meet the right guy I'll give him a chance, but otherwise, I'm okay with being on my own.

Finals are over and the fun is about to begin! I am so optimistic about this summer. I don't know why. I just feel like good things are going to happen.

Today is Josh's birthday. I haven't called him yet since it's still early out in LA. I'd like to actually talk to him instead of leaving him a message. I want to let him know that I'm going to be out there so that we can get together.

Molly and I are leaving for San Francisco on Sunday. We're going to stay there for a few days and then we're driving down to Los Angeles. We'll be in LA for a few days and then we're going to San Diego. I'm excited. I'll really get to see California! And I so desperately need some time away!

I've got a busy few months planned out. After I get back from California I'm going down to Florida for a little while to take care of some things. After that I'm going on a cruise with Mona. It's a cruise for dancers so it should be interesting. She's looking for more teachers who are willing to compete in the dance competition this summer. In fact, I'm going to a dance with her tonight to try to recruit some people.

Well, that's all for now!

I convinced Molly to go out to LA with me. She thinks I'm asking for trouble...I probably am...but I can't help it. I want to see Josh again. We had the best time at Mona's wedding. We sat together, we ate together, we danced together. It was all perfect. It was the way things are supposed to be...me and Josh together.

Today is the last day of classes. I'm so glad to have this semester over with. I'm taking two more classes this summer. I'm not really behind anymore, but it will lighten my load for next year which will be good since I'll be taking over the dance studio next winter.

So I saw Josh last night. We only got to spend 45 minutes together. He had flown into Newark and was stopping to see me on his way to his parents' house. His mom made him a special dinner so he didn't have much time to spend with me.

It was kind of weird. I was happy to see him, but it was just weird seeing him and not knowing everything that's going on in his life. He looked a little different too. His hair is longer. He looks more L.A. Still, I have to admit that my heart turned over the minute I saw him. Maybe I will always have that response to him. He is my first love after all. It's just undeniable that being around him does something to me.

It sounds like he's enjoying his work out in L.A. It also sounds like work is all that he does. He said he's been trying to get out to the beach since he moved there and hasn't been there once. I didn't come out and ask him, but it also sounds like he's way too busy to date. And I know it's none of my business, but I was happy about that. I don't want to be sitting here getting over him while he's out there dating someone new. I know that someday it will happen, but I just can't deal with that emotionally yet.

It turns out I'm going to see him again tonight. He'll be at the rehearsal dinner since he's singing at the wedding. I wasn't supposed to go, but Mona offered me an invite at the last minute. I think she's playing cupid, but it won't work. I am not living under any delusions about my relationship with Josh. It is over. Neither one of us wants a relationship with 3000 miles between us.

I've been meaning to post all week, and yet the week got away from me faster than I imagined. I talked to Josh the other night. He called to tell me that he's going to be at Mona and Angelo's wedding. In fact, I'm meeting up with him tonight at Starbucks for a quick get together.

I keep trying to remind myself that it's just a quick meeting. This isn't some big reunion, and there is no chance of us being together again. Natalie thinks I'm setting myself up for heartbreak. She thinks that seeing him will set me back, but I'd see him at the wedding anyway so I think it would be better to get the initial meeting out of the way. I just hope that Nat isn't right. I want to see Josh, but I know my heart and I know that I get weak around him. I have to be smart about this.